Clearly, I should not be left to my own devices
I was feeling goofy. This is completely, entirely, 100% meant to be a joke. I don’t worship Ed Bernero. Nor do I mean to offend anyone, but I do poke some fun at the Bible, so heads up if that bothers you. Oh, and spoilers for the Criminal Minds pilot “Extreme Aggressor.”
The Gospel According to Ed Bernero: Chapter 1
1 In the beginning Ed created the darkness and the light, 2 for Ed saw that the light was good, but knew that he must have something to oppose it, lest his creation fall to the forces of boredom and low ratings. 3 So Ed did create the darkness, 4 and made of it creatures violent and malevolent who did prey upon the innocent women of Seattle. 5 He separated the representatives of the darkness from those of the light, and those from the dark he did call “unsubs” and those from the light he did call “profilers.”
6 For all their cruelty and aggression, the first unsubs were only momentary advocates of the darkness; 7 and Ed did focus instead his creative energies upon the emissaries of the light. 8 Of these did he create seven, for seven is a good number for creation, 9 and were there anymore he would risk falling into the trap of Other Dramatic Programs wherein the audience does need a scorecard just to watch a single episode.
10 The first of these agents of the light, Ed did name the Mighty Warrior; 11 for though it was in the nature of Gideon to spend much time brooding and to be nearly so creepy as his adversaries, 12 he was a mentor unto the other agents and well versed in the ways of catching unsubs and being dramatic. 13 Gideon also taught unto the agents the ways of breaking down that would be of such great importance to them in later days, 14 for Gideon was greatly haunted by his past failure.
15 The second of the agents that Ed did create was Hotch; 16 and from the beginning of time, Hotch had been a Parent unto the other agents, 17 for he did provide council and support and admonishment alike, as he deemed necessary. 18 Ed did first give Hotch much occasion to smile and joke with his agents and his wife, who was with child, 19 before deciding that he must be more stern, and stoic, and given to subtle expressions rather than such rampant displays of emotion such as smiling that the other agents did partake in.
20 The third profiler in the service of the light was dubbed Morgan, 21 and unto him was entrusted the sacred duty of tackling unsubs and kicking down locked doors. 22 He was made a flirt, and a skeptic, and fond of taking direct action. 23 When Morgan did first appear, he was clothed in fine suits, and the fangirls saw that this was good. 24 This was not to last, but as the change detrimentally affected neither Morgan’s aesthetic appeal nor his ability to launch flying tackles upon the enemies of the light, 25 Ed decided that this, too, was good.
26 Reid, the fourth profiler, was made an unusual defender of life and goodness, 27 for he was young and did enjoy spinning in chairs, and did flinch when dogs barked at him. 28 That he was a genius was a fact that was questionable only to himself. 29 In this as in other things, Reid did early display the worry and insecurity that would contribute to the extreme tragedy of his life story; 30 though in these early moments, these were merely shadows of things to come, and Reid did seem more awkward than anything else.
31 In addition to this team, Ed did create Elle, who desired greatly to earn a place as the fifth agent of the light. 32 She did act with little patience or hesitation, and had the dubious honor of slaying the second unsub when he did pose a threat. 33 There was also much kindness in her soul, 34 and she did protect the innocent and aid the BAU and have amusing banter with Morgan.
35 It was granted to the sixth agent only a limited amount of screen time, 36 for fear that too concentrated a dose of her stunning personality and sparkling wit would be overwhelming to the unprepared viewer; 37 yet Garcia did shine in the moments given to her.
38 The seventh agent did rest, for she was not scheduled to appear until the coming of the second episode.
39 Ed saw that the cast was good, yet still he was dissatisfied, for he wanted more drama. 40 Yet to raise to further prominence the warriors of darkness would be to obscure the agents of the light, which he desired not. 41 Instead he deemed that creatures of the light must have conflict within themselves, 42 and so he declared, “Let there be angst!” and there was angst.
43 Ed saw the angst, and it was good.
44 Gideon did become the first instrument of the angst, 45 and his brooding the prelude to future times of doubt and trauma. 46 Hotch did fulfill his roles as leader and Parent and try to talk him out of it, and it seemed to work for a time. 47 Yet the angst was not defeated, merely pushed aside for the moment.
48 And thus were the ways of the BAU established, 49 and they set forth to do great battle with the darkness in the world, and in their own souls.
50 The audience saw Ed’s creation, and it was good; 51 yet Ed did not rest, for that was only the pilot episode, and there was still much work to be done.
Chapter 2
The Gospel According to Ed Bernero: Chapter 1
1 In the beginning Ed created the darkness and the light, 2 for Ed saw that the light was good, but knew that he must have something to oppose it, lest his creation fall to the forces of boredom and low ratings. 3 So Ed did create the darkness, 4 and made of it creatures violent and malevolent who did prey upon the innocent women of Seattle. 5 He separated the representatives of the darkness from those of the light, and those from the dark he did call “unsubs” and those from the light he did call “profilers.”
6 For all their cruelty and aggression, the first unsubs were only momentary advocates of the darkness; 7 and Ed did focus instead his creative energies upon the emissaries of the light. 8 Of these did he create seven, for seven is a good number for creation, 9 and were there anymore he would risk falling into the trap of Other Dramatic Programs wherein the audience does need a scorecard just to watch a single episode.
10 The first of these agents of the light, Ed did name the Mighty Warrior; 11 for though it was in the nature of Gideon to spend much time brooding and to be nearly so creepy as his adversaries, 12 he was a mentor unto the other agents and well versed in the ways of catching unsubs and being dramatic. 13 Gideon also taught unto the agents the ways of breaking down that would be of such great importance to them in later days, 14 for Gideon was greatly haunted by his past failure.
15 The second of the agents that Ed did create was Hotch; 16 and from the beginning of time, Hotch had been a Parent unto the other agents, 17 for he did provide council and support and admonishment alike, as he deemed necessary. 18 Ed did first give Hotch much occasion to smile and joke with his agents and his wife, who was with child, 19 before deciding that he must be more stern, and stoic, and given to subtle expressions rather than such rampant displays of emotion such as smiling that the other agents did partake in.
20 The third profiler in the service of the light was dubbed Morgan, 21 and unto him was entrusted the sacred duty of tackling unsubs and kicking down locked doors. 22 He was made a flirt, and a skeptic, and fond of taking direct action. 23 When Morgan did first appear, he was clothed in fine suits, and the fangirls saw that this was good. 24 This was not to last, but as the change detrimentally affected neither Morgan’s aesthetic appeal nor his ability to launch flying tackles upon the enemies of the light, 25 Ed decided that this, too, was good.
26 Reid, the fourth profiler, was made an unusual defender of life and goodness, 27 for he was young and did enjoy spinning in chairs, and did flinch when dogs barked at him. 28 That he was a genius was a fact that was questionable only to himself. 29 In this as in other things, Reid did early display the worry and insecurity that would contribute to the extreme tragedy of his life story; 30 though in these early moments, these were merely shadows of things to come, and Reid did seem more awkward than anything else.
31 In addition to this team, Ed did create Elle, who desired greatly to earn a place as the fifth agent of the light. 32 She did act with little patience or hesitation, and had the dubious honor of slaying the second unsub when he did pose a threat. 33 There was also much kindness in her soul, 34 and she did protect the innocent and aid the BAU and have amusing banter with Morgan.
35 It was granted to the sixth agent only a limited amount of screen time, 36 for fear that too concentrated a dose of her stunning personality and sparkling wit would be overwhelming to the unprepared viewer; 37 yet Garcia did shine in the moments given to her.
38 The seventh agent did rest, for she was not scheduled to appear until the coming of the second episode.
39 Ed saw that the cast was good, yet still he was dissatisfied, for he wanted more drama. 40 Yet to raise to further prominence the warriors of darkness would be to obscure the agents of the light, which he desired not. 41 Instead he deemed that creatures of the light must have conflict within themselves, 42 and so he declared, “Let there be angst!” and there was angst.
43 Ed saw the angst, and it was good.
44 Gideon did become the first instrument of the angst, 45 and his brooding the prelude to future times of doubt and trauma. 46 Hotch did fulfill his roles as leader and Parent and try to talk him out of it, and it seemed to work for a time. 47 Yet the angst was not defeated, merely pushed aside for the moment.
48 And thus were the ways of the BAU established, 49 and they set forth to do great battle with the darkness in the world, and in their own souls.
50 The audience saw Ed’s creation, and it was good; 51 yet Ed did not rest, for that was only the pilot episode, and there was still much work to be done.
Chapter 2