After Love
HELLO LOVELIES. SOME OF YOU PROBABLY HEARD ABOUT THE DEATH OF MY LAPTOP. HENCE WHY I'VE BEEN ABSENT. OOPS CAPSLOCK. XD anyways being the rarepairing gengwhore that i am, here is a little KyuChun for dokssuri who wanted it :D
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After Love
After his heart dies, Kyuhyun dreams about empty beds and cold frying pans. He lies on the ground of the practice rooms and he thinks he can hear soft footsteps and light jumps and happy laughter, so he closes his eyes and he sees bodies turned inside out and a great big hole in the earth and a house where everything was in the wrong place. He wakes up not remembering how to breathe.
The others try to be there for him, even if they’re hurting too and Kyuhyun is glad to have Sungmin and Eeteuk fuss over him and Donghae trying to cheer him up and Zhoumi offering comfort and love. He’s thankful and happy they care so much and a large part of him counts his blessings everyday to be surrounded by such people.
A small part of him hates them for still being alive, when he isn’t.
The funeral is the single most horrible thing Kyuhyun has ever been to. It was never suppose to happen, never, not even when they were all old men with white hair and bad backs, because this was Hankyung, and the beautiful dancer had always been so full of life. Kyuhyun thinks it’s stupid, because even if he was to die, it should have been something like saving the planet or sacrifing himself for others or defeating some evil monster. Not some ridiculous, thing like a car crash. It’s so unbelievable that sometimes Kyuhyun thinks that everyone just misunderstood the doctors.
But now with Ryeowook crying and Hyukjae crying and every single person crying, it’s too real and it’s horrible and Kyuhyun feels like someone’s clenching at his insides and using his intestines as a mop. Eeteuk is on his knees like someone burying their child and Heechul sobbing cuts like a knife just because it’s Heechul (Kyuhyun would take his bitching over this any day) and Kangin bawling is just wrong. Jaejoong’s there in a wheelchair and Kyuhyun wonders since when did ice statues cry anyway. It comes out of nowhere but then he’s giggling, hysterical and breathless and the others snap around to stare at him in horror. A sharp slap across his face makes the laughter die on his tongue like dead babies and then as Yoochun shakes him, the tears come flooding out and he howls like a wounded animal, sinking to the ground, dragging Yoochun along with him.
He tries to love Siwon, because he knows that’s what Hankyung would have wanted. The dancer had loved both of them and had always wanted them to love each other. So Kyuhyun seeks comfort in Siwon’s arms and for a moment it seems to work, because they’re clutching at each other to stop themselves from drowning and they haven’t died yet so it must be working. But then they’re clutching at each other so tight, that one of them is going to break, or maybe both of them, because they weren’t the right shape and they didn’t fit and everything grated like sandpaper on their tongue.
It was as if they both loved too fully and now there was nothing left to give.
After a while, it gets better and Kyuhyun remembers how to smile again, how to sing, how to breathe without someone else reminding him. Everyone still looks at him like he’s about to break and Kyuhyun wants to tell them all he won’t, but he’s scared they’ll start to look at him like Yoochun does, like they’re trying to figure out how to fix him.
They can’t fix him. Kyuhyun isn’t broken (he’s shattered).
He’s in the music rooms with Yoochun and they’re working on a piece the older man is composing, when Yoochun suddenly leans over and kisses him. Kyuhyun kisses him back, but he doesn’t know what to think, so he tries not to think, not about whether he liked it or why it feels wrong or if there is something important he’s forgetting; he stops thinking and starts singing. Singing was familiar; Kyuhyun knows what to think about singing.
It’s almost an hour later when Kyuhyun is practicing Wish, attempting to cover a quartet all by himself, when he hits that high note- the one that’s usually left to Ryeowook or Changmin, the one Hankyung used to tease him-
Hankyung
Kyuhyun clutches at his throat and drops to the floor, the note still ringing in his ear.
Yoochun is screaming at him, but all Kyuhyun can hear is that note and somehow it sounds like hankyunghankyunghankyung...
Kyuhyun doesn’t see Yoochun for a week and he doesn’t answer the phone either. The others gaze at him in concern, but he can’t make himself meet their eyes, because he feels so dirty. It hasn’t even been a few months since the love of his life has passed away and here he was kissing another boy.
He feels like his skin is missing and he’s walking around naked. He sits at the dinner table, terrified someone is going to chuck their plate at him and tell him what a shameless slut he is. At the same time he wishes someone would, because maybe he’ll feel a little less guilty.
Someone puts the radio on and Wish comes on and Kyuhyun’s hand jerks hard enough to slosh soup onto the table and he blurts an apology and he keeps on apologizing. He apologises to Eeteuk for worrying him and to Ryeowook for dropping his soup and to everyone until they’re all frantic and confused, until he starts apologizing to Hankyung for kissing Yoochun. Henry drops his fork, Donghae sits down like someone just slapped him and Ryeowook looks like he’s about to cry.
Kyuhyun goes to sleep clutching a photo of their lost dancer and muttering ‘sorry’s like a prayer.
It’s Jaejoong who actually asks him and the older man is walking around by himself now, although there’s still heaviness to his steps and a husky quality to his voice as if everything is still hurting.
“You like Yoochun don’t you?”
“I love Hankyung.”
“Yes. But you like Yoochun.”
“Geng’s the love of my life.”
“Yunho’s the love of my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love Geng more than the entire world.”
Kyuhyun stares at the bold declaration and he’s jealous that Jaejoong can just say such things out loud and Kyuhyun is too scared to even think about it.
I love Hankyung. And I like- like…
One day when he comes home, Yoochun is just there, lounging on his couch, playing with his PSP like nothing’s wrong. Kyuhyun’s face tightens he’s not sure if he wants to go hug this man or throw him out.
“Yoochun hyung, what are you doing here?”
”I’ve come to see you! Don’t you miss me Kyu-ah?”
“N-no, I mean yes, but in a friend way, like I miss Jaejoong hyung and Yunh-”
Yoochun suddenly stands up and pulls him into a hug, “Let me take care of you Kyu-ah. I want to be the one to-”
“I love Hankyung hyung.”
Yoochun stills then pulls back and smiles at him, “I know.”
“I’ll always love him…”
“I know.”
“I’ll still look at his picture and I’ll still cry over him and dream about him-”
“Kyuhyun. I know.”
Kyuhyun was tearing up now, “I don’t even love you yet…”
Yoochun pulls the younger man into a tight hug, “I know.”
Kyuhyun hugs him back and starts to cry.
Yoochun takes Kyuhyun’s hand after Super Junior’s comeback and slips a small band of silver onto his pinky. Kyuhyun’s expression flickers through half a dozen emotions, but Yoochun speaks first.
“Now, now it’s not an engagement ring or anything, it’s a happy ring!”
Kyuhyun is now smiling with one eyebrow raised, “a happy ring?”
Yoochun shakes his head ignoring the other’s tone, “yeah, as long as you wear it, you have to be happy!”
Kyuhyun’s expression softens and he examines the ring with a grin, slipping his other hand into Yoochun’s.
Yoochun smiles and his eyes drifting to the other thin band on Kyuhyun’s ring finger. Kyuhyun catches him looking and fingers the ring lovingly, “I treasure these both equally, would you mind?” “Of course not, if hyung doesn’t mind, why would i?” “He always was too kind…you know, Geng would’ve wanted you to put the ring where his is…” “I know, but this is what I want.”
-flashback-
“Hyung!”
“Chunnie? You’re bleeding…”
Yoochun’s arm was dangling uselessly by his side, blood oozing from where a piece of metal had pierced his forearm. But he found it astounding that Hankyung was worrying about him, when he himself was pinned under a twisted chunk of metal, blood gushing from his chest and head, breathing shallow, face twisted in agony. Jaejoong next to him was coughing painfully, his right leg clearly broken.
“Hyung, don’t worry about me! Are you okay? Just hold on okay, you’re going to be fine, the ambulance is on its way-”
Hankyung reached out and grabbed his hand, silencing him with a pained look. “Chunnie-ah…I know you like Kyu…”
Yoochun’s eyes widened, “Hyung! I- I do, but I promise, I won’t anymore, anything you want-”
“No!” Hankyung coughed and more blood trickled out, “Chunnie…I want you to promise me, you’ll take care of him for me…make sure he’s happy…always…”
The light was fading in those eyes and Yoochun was crying as he pinky promised the older man. Hankyung pulls off his own ring and hands it to Yoochun with a smile, before turning to Jaejoong, “Jae-ah…I love you, you know that right? Be happy with Yunnie, ok? Tell him I’ll miss dancing with him…”
Jaejoong shook his head, angry tears burning and Yoochun thinks his best friend is about to lose it completely. “Tell him yourself idiot!”
Hankyung smiled softly, “Of course…I’m just rehearsing, pabo…tell Siwon, I still want to be sworn brothers with him in the next life…tell Donghae that my home will always be his…and Wookie…that he can bug Siwon to buy him food……and tell everyone I love them…”
Jaejoong is shaking with tears and he grits his teeth, “Don’t you dare think about making me your messenger!”
“Oh shush you…come here…”
Hankyung pulls the sobbing man into his arms as best as he can and then reaches out a hand for Yoochun, who quickly takes it and holds it desperately. They lie there until they can hear the sirens and Yoochun tightens his grip, enough to hurt (how he hoped the other could still feel it).
-flashback ends-
Kyuhyun’s right, Hankyung would’ve wanted Yoochun to take his place, but the pinky was what he swore by and it’ll be where he’ll keep his promise.
Yoochun fingers the ring around his neck and stares at Kyuhyun dancing around dorkily with Donghae and Henry. One day, Yoochun will show Kyuhyung the exact extent of Hankyung's kindness.
Hyung, I’ve kept my promise. Thank you for trusting me.
//
♥
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After Love
After his heart dies, Kyuhyun dreams about empty beds and cold frying pans. He lies on the ground of the practice rooms and he thinks he can hear soft footsteps and light jumps and happy laughter, so he closes his eyes and he sees bodies turned inside out and a great big hole in the earth and a house where everything was in the wrong place. He wakes up not remembering how to breathe.
The others try to be there for him, even if they’re hurting too and Kyuhyun is glad to have Sungmin and Eeteuk fuss over him and Donghae trying to cheer him up and Zhoumi offering comfort and love. He’s thankful and happy they care so much and a large part of him counts his blessings everyday to be surrounded by such people.
A small part of him hates them for still being alive, when he isn’t.
The funeral is the single most horrible thing Kyuhyun has ever been to. It was never suppose to happen, never, not even when they were all old men with white hair and bad backs, because this was Hankyung, and the beautiful dancer had always been so full of life. Kyuhyun thinks it’s stupid, because even if he was to die, it should have been something like saving the planet or sacrifing himself for others or defeating some evil monster. Not some ridiculous, thing like a car crash. It’s so unbelievable that sometimes Kyuhyun thinks that everyone just misunderstood the doctors.
But now with Ryeowook crying and Hyukjae crying and every single person crying, it’s too real and it’s horrible and Kyuhyun feels like someone’s clenching at his insides and using his intestines as a mop. Eeteuk is on his knees like someone burying their child and Heechul sobbing cuts like a knife just because it’s Heechul (Kyuhyun would take his bitching over this any day) and Kangin bawling is just wrong. Jaejoong’s there in a wheelchair and Kyuhyun wonders since when did ice statues cry anyway. It comes out of nowhere but then he’s giggling, hysterical and breathless and the others snap around to stare at him in horror. A sharp slap across his face makes the laughter die on his tongue like dead babies and then as Yoochun shakes him, the tears come flooding out and he howls like a wounded animal, sinking to the ground, dragging Yoochun along with him.
He tries to love Siwon, because he knows that’s what Hankyung would have wanted. The dancer had loved both of them and had always wanted them to love each other. So Kyuhyun seeks comfort in Siwon’s arms and for a moment it seems to work, because they’re clutching at each other to stop themselves from drowning and they haven’t died yet so it must be working. But then they’re clutching at each other so tight, that one of them is going to break, or maybe both of them, because they weren’t the right shape and they didn’t fit and everything grated like sandpaper on their tongue.
It was as if they both loved too fully and now there was nothing left to give.
After a while, it gets better and Kyuhyun remembers how to smile again, how to sing, how to breathe without someone else reminding him. Everyone still looks at him like he’s about to break and Kyuhyun wants to tell them all he won’t, but he’s scared they’ll start to look at him like Yoochun does, like they’re trying to figure out how to fix him.
They can’t fix him. Kyuhyun isn’t broken (he’s shattered).
He’s in the music rooms with Yoochun and they’re working on a piece the older man is composing, when Yoochun suddenly leans over and kisses him. Kyuhyun kisses him back, but he doesn’t know what to think, so he tries not to think, not about whether he liked it or why it feels wrong or if there is something important he’s forgetting; he stops thinking and starts singing. Singing was familiar; Kyuhyun knows what to think about singing.
It’s almost an hour later when Kyuhyun is practicing Wish, attempting to cover a quartet all by himself, when he hits that high note- the one that’s usually left to Ryeowook or Changmin, the one Hankyung used to tease him-
Hankyung
Kyuhyun clutches at his throat and drops to the floor, the note still ringing in his ear.
Yoochun is screaming at him, but all Kyuhyun can hear is that note and somehow it sounds like hankyunghankyunghankyung...
Kyuhyun doesn’t see Yoochun for a week and he doesn’t answer the phone either. The others gaze at him in concern, but he can’t make himself meet their eyes, because he feels so dirty. It hasn’t even been a few months since the love of his life has passed away and here he was kissing another boy.
He feels like his skin is missing and he’s walking around naked. He sits at the dinner table, terrified someone is going to chuck their plate at him and tell him what a shameless slut he is. At the same time he wishes someone would, because maybe he’ll feel a little less guilty.
Someone puts the radio on and Wish comes on and Kyuhyun’s hand jerks hard enough to slosh soup onto the table and he blurts an apology and he keeps on apologizing. He apologises to Eeteuk for worrying him and to Ryeowook for dropping his soup and to everyone until they’re all frantic and confused, until he starts apologizing to Hankyung for kissing Yoochun. Henry drops his fork, Donghae sits down like someone just slapped him and Ryeowook looks like he’s about to cry.
Kyuhyun goes to sleep clutching a photo of their lost dancer and muttering ‘sorry’s like a prayer.
It’s Jaejoong who actually asks him and the older man is walking around by himself now, although there’s still heaviness to his steps and a husky quality to his voice as if everything is still hurting.
“You like Yoochun don’t you?”
“I love Hankyung.”
“Yes. But you like Yoochun.”
“Geng’s the love of my life.”
“Yunho’s the love of my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love Geng more than the entire world.”
Kyuhyun stares at the bold declaration and he’s jealous that Jaejoong can just say such things out loud and Kyuhyun is too scared to even think about it.
I love Hankyung. And I like- like…
One day when he comes home, Yoochun is just there, lounging on his couch, playing with his PSP like nothing’s wrong. Kyuhyun’s face tightens he’s not sure if he wants to go hug this man or throw him out.
“Yoochun hyung, what are you doing here?”
”I’ve come to see you! Don’t you miss me Kyu-ah?”
“N-no, I mean yes, but in a friend way, like I miss Jaejoong hyung and Yunh-”
Yoochun suddenly stands up and pulls him into a hug, “Let me take care of you Kyu-ah. I want to be the one to-”
“I love Hankyung hyung.”
Yoochun stills then pulls back and smiles at him, “I know.”
“I’ll always love him…”
“I know.”
“I’ll still look at his picture and I’ll still cry over him and dream about him-”
“Kyuhyun. I know.”
Kyuhyun was tearing up now, “I don’t even love you yet…”
Yoochun pulls the younger man into a tight hug, “I know.”
Kyuhyun hugs him back and starts to cry.
Yoochun takes Kyuhyun’s hand after Super Junior’s comeback and slips a small band of silver onto his pinky. Kyuhyun’s expression flickers through half a dozen emotions, but Yoochun speaks first.
“Now, now it’s not an engagement ring or anything, it’s a happy ring!”
Kyuhyun is now smiling with one eyebrow raised, “a happy ring?”
Yoochun shakes his head ignoring the other’s tone, “yeah, as long as you wear it, you have to be happy!”
Kyuhyun’s expression softens and he examines the ring with a grin, slipping his other hand into Yoochun’s.
Yoochun smiles and his eyes drifting to the other thin band on Kyuhyun’s ring finger. Kyuhyun catches him looking and fingers the ring lovingly, “I treasure these both equally, would you mind?” “Of course not, if hyung doesn’t mind, why would i?” “He always was too kind…you know, Geng would’ve wanted you to put the ring where his is…” “I know, but this is what I want.”
-flashback-
“Hyung!”
“Chunnie? You’re bleeding…”
Yoochun’s arm was dangling uselessly by his side, blood oozing from where a piece of metal had pierced his forearm. But he found it astounding that Hankyung was worrying about him, when he himself was pinned under a twisted chunk of metal, blood gushing from his chest and head, breathing shallow, face twisted in agony. Jaejoong next to him was coughing painfully, his right leg clearly broken.
“Hyung, don’t worry about me! Are you okay? Just hold on okay, you’re going to be fine, the ambulance is on its way-”
Hankyung reached out and grabbed his hand, silencing him with a pained look. “Chunnie-ah…I know you like Kyu…”
Yoochun’s eyes widened, “Hyung! I- I do, but I promise, I won’t anymore, anything you want-”
“No!” Hankyung coughed and more blood trickled out, “Chunnie…I want you to promise me, you’ll take care of him for me…make sure he’s happy…always…”
The light was fading in those eyes and Yoochun was crying as he pinky promised the older man. Hankyung pulls off his own ring and hands it to Yoochun with a smile, before turning to Jaejoong, “Jae-ah…I love you, you know that right? Be happy with Yunnie, ok? Tell him I’ll miss dancing with him…”
Jaejoong shook his head, angry tears burning and Yoochun thinks his best friend is about to lose it completely. “Tell him yourself idiot!”
Hankyung smiled softly, “Of course…I’m just rehearsing, pabo…tell Siwon, I still want to be sworn brothers with him in the next life…tell Donghae that my home will always be his…and Wookie…that he can bug Siwon to buy him food……and tell everyone I love them…”
Jaejoong is shaking with tears and he grits his teeth, “Don’t you dare think about making me your messenger!”
“Oh shush you…come here…”
Hankyung pulls the sobbing man into his arms as best as he can and then reaches out a hand for Yoochun, who quickly takes it and holds it desperately. They lie there until they can hear the sirens and Yoochun tightens his grip, enough to hurt (how he hoped the other could still feel it).
-flashback ends-
Kyuhyun’s right, Hankyung would’ve wanted Yoochun to take his place, but the pinky was what he swore by and it’ll be where he’ll keep his promise.
Yoochun fingers the ring around his neck and stares at Kyuhyun dancing around dorkily with Donghae and Henry. One day, Yoochun will show Kyuhyung the exact extent of Hankyung's kindness.
Hyung, I’ve kept my promise. Thank you for trusting me.
//
♥