I Think I Love You...
Hello my lovelies, it's been a while since I posted and I miss you guys! Here is the longish fic that I have been working on with the new writing style and was taking up all my time. Hope you guys like it! This is for you, mawaru_berry and you omgorgasm <3
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I Think I Love You…
~
The first time they meet, it’s in a dark alleyway off in the shadows of restaurants and high rise buildings. There are three men cornering Hankyung and there’s filthy words flowing from their mouth, Korean and horribly mangled grunts in what must have been an attempt at Chinese. The leader has his shirt unbuttoned to reveal disgustingly pale skin and a toothpick dangling in his mouth; Hankyung wants to slam that toothpick into that filthy tongue.
“What does a little girl like you doing here all alone? Why don’t you run back to your little mommy and your own pathetic country!”
Hankyung wasn’t out for a fight tonight, he had been out to get some bungeoppang from the corner stall, because Sungmin had insisted that he just had to try it. But no one insults his country as well as his mother and gets away with it. Hankyung kicks out and the leader hits the opposite wall, but there are two others quickly there and he has to move quickly. Then before he can do anything there’s a fist flying out of nowhere and Hankyung is so stunned that some stranger is helping him, that he just stops and stares. Then the man cops a sharp right hook and Hankyung jumps back in and the goons are soon lying on the ground.
“Hey-” Hankyung barely gets out, before a hand is pulling him along and out of the alley and doesn’t let him go as they run past the food stalls and the fancy clothing shops and they’re almost out of the shopping district, before Hankyung remembers that he lives in the opposite direction and he pulls at the other to stop.
“What are you doing?”
It comes out in a rushed breath and it’s harsher than Hankyung intends. He watches as the other man blinks, then blink again and Hankyung knows that the other doesn’t know the answer either. So he was right, there was absolutely no reason to be running through the streets of Seoul with a stranger.
“I- I was…we were running away from the- and I-”
The man had a low, husky voice and Hankyung thinks that there’s something different about it, it wasn’t like Siwon’s or Jaejoong’s, there was just something off and he doesn’t know what it is, only that it’s there. He looked bewildered though as if Hankyung was the one that was out of his mind and that they should still be running. Hankyung doesn’t point out that it’s the goons who are lying in the alleyway and instead he bows quickly and pulls back his hand.
“Thank you.” It’s mostly sincere. Even if he didn't need help, the other had meant well.
Hankyung leaves the other standing there and walk off hurriedly. He walks around until he finally gives up and calls Jaejoong. Jaejoong’s worried voice fill the cold air and Hankyung smiles as he waits for his best friend to come pick him up and he only thinks of the stranger once in the entire half hour it takes for Jaejoong to come.
~
Hankyung’s in the practice rooms dancing with Yunho and Junsu and there are cheers from the other trainees as they engage in a heated dance battle. No one pays attention to the figure that slides the door open and stands in the doorway staring in awe and amazement. Hankyung is dripping with sweat and Yunho has his arms around him, pulling him towards the cafeteria and Hankyung’s in the middle of flicking a wet towel at Junsu’s butt, when he catches sight of the man from last night standing in the doorway and stops so abruptly that Yunho almost dislocates his arm still slung over Hankyung’s shoulders.
“What are you doing here?”
There’s shock in the murmured Korean and written all over Hankyung’s face as he stares at this man that he didn’t think he’d ever see again (there’s a bruise sprinkled across sharp cheekbones and Hankyung winces slightly inside). Yunho shifts so that he is standing partly in front of Hankyung and eyes the newcomer with suspicion, “Yah! have you been bothering our Hankyung?”
“I’m Park Yoochun, I’m a new trainee…” It comes out as a whisper.
There’s uncertainty in those words, much like how Hankyung had talked at first and he seemed almost scared of Hankyung (as if he wasn’t the one to drag barge into Hankyung’s business and then drag him around aimlessly for half a night). Hankyung thinks of his first day, of how utterly alone he had felt until Jungsoo had spoken to him and he softens, “Want to come eat with us?”
The man- Yoochun- brightens immediately and Yunho drags Hankyung off, whispering increasingly impossible possibilities of how they might know each other into his ear as Hankyung just laughed.
It’s even more crowded then usual at the table and the others take to the new presence in true form, Shiwon and Jungsoo all smiles and welcome, Donghae and Hyukjae quickly jumping in with the curious questions and Heechul and Jaejoong just eyeing Yoochun with cool eyes. Hankyung is pulled next from Yunho’s side and dragged between Heechul and Jaejoong and a plate is shoved in front of him. There are too many voices and it’s too loud and they’re speaking too fast and Hankyung just sit and eat and he meets Yoochun’s equally bewildered and confused eyes across the table and Hankyung thinks that maybe this stranger could become a friend.
He’s left fuming and shouting Chinese and broken Korean at the departing crowd, when Shiwon asks him if he was alright after Yoochun had rescued him yesterday. Shiwon’s eyebrows rise wildly into his hair as Hankyung splutters and flails his arms around as he rambles about being good at martial arts and not a girl that needs rescuing and who the hell does Park Yoochun think he is.
Hankyung remembers that name after that.
~
Yoochun is actually not a bad dancer, Hankyung thinks as he watches the other dance in the middle of the floor. He doesn’t have the same inate talent as Hankyung or Yunho and Hyukjae and Junsu and Donghae could all kick his arse, but there was enthusiasm there, passion and determination and Hankyung thinks he likes watching Yoochun dance.
The examinations were coming up and Hankyung practices hard because he was going to rise to Group A, because that was where all the best dancers were. He practices and practices, late into the night that soon blends into the early rays of dawn and it’s just as the darkness is giving way to the light, that he runs into Yoochun.
He helps Yoochun practice, even though he wants nothing more than to go to sleep, because there was a look in the other man’s eyes that was exactly like Hankyung’s when he had danced his way from Group D to Group C then to Group B in a matter of months. They dance the night away and the next and the next, and it’s the night before the examinations and Heechul is yelling at Yoochun, because Hankyung was burning up with fever.
(exhaustion and not eating properly had lowered his immune system and above all that he was barely sleeping at all, the doctor had said, followed by long words that Yoochun couldn’t understand and didn’t need to understand, because all he needed to know was it was all his fault ).
Hankyung misses the examinations and Yoochun does too; refusing to leave Hankyung’s bedside even after Heechul had threatened to throw him out. Hankyung wakes up to see Yoochun’s tear stricken face and he only smiles and tells him that it’s not his fault. And it was that smile that kept him sane through the next few days of Yunho and Junsu giving him the silent treatment and Donghae hmmmfing everytime he say Yoochun and Heechul being downright mean and Jaejoong giving him one of his infamous icy stares. He apologizes over and over and promises to fix it and Hankyung only ruffles his hair and says, “of course!”
He’s smiling like nothing happened and Yoochun feels like he's murdered someone.
Two weeks later, there’s an impromptu examination and Hankyung gets into Group A and Yoochun laughs freely as Hankyung breaks away from being sandwiched by Yunho and Junsu and throws his arms around Yoochun’s neck and shouts, “You were right, Yoochun! You made it happen Yoochun!”
Yoochun inhales each time the other man says his name and he thinks of all the nights he spent standing outside Lee Soo Man’s office and he thinks, fuck if this wasn’t worth every single second of waiting and begging.
~
Hankyung is walking up the stairs, up to the singing practice rooms, to find Jaejoong, because they were suppose to be cooking hotpot for the others today. He peers into all the rooms and he’s down to the second last one along the corridor, when he pushes open the door and finds a figure curled up in the corner and it takes him a whole five seconds and a half to realize that it’s Yoochun.
There’s a hollow sound in the air and Hankyung thinks of endless wells and dark corners and soaked pillows. It takes him a moment longer to realize it’s the sound of crying and Hankyung has his arms wrapped around the younger man before he could stop himself. Yoochun stiffens and Hankyung remembers things called privacy and wanting to be alone and pride, but it’s all too late, because Yoochun turns around and Hankyung sees the wetness on his cheeks and the lost, uncertain eyes that stare at him with a silent plea and he sinks down completely onto the floor and wraps his arms more securely and presses his cheek into the the thin fabric, into Yoochun’s shoulders and neck and they shake through the tears together.
Hankyung watches his phone vibrate on the floor, Jae flashing again and again, and he thinks of all the others at their dorms and he stares at the sleeping man collapsed in his arms and texts Jaejoong (Yoochun needs me).
Then he turns the phone off completely.
~
Hankyung’s the last person to hear. The others are muttering and he sees the frown marring Jungsoo’s cheerful face and Yunho is biting his lips softly; it’s Jaejoong who tells him though, “Yoochun is thinking of leaving.”
He runs through the corridors and he searches through all the singing rooms and the recording studio and the little storage room that Yoochun likes to go to (the other had stolen Shindong’s chips once and the two of them had sat on the floor next to the brooms and the window wipers and shared the packet of chips like it was the most precious thing in the world). Hankyung’s out of breath when he finds Yoochun and he’s pissed off, because Yoochun was suppose to be predictable and Hankyung should have found him immediately and not nearly an hour later, in the fucking dance rooms of all places. He’s angry and confused and he doesn’t hug the other this time, he grabs Yoochun by the collar of his shirt and pulls him to his feet and shoves him against the wall.
“Why?” It’s hissed through pursed lips, angry and low. Yoochun hangs his head and doesn’t answer.
“Why?!” It’s lower, but sharper this time and Hankyung tightens his grip on Yoochun’s collar, twisting it until Yoochun is forced to look up, forced to answer.
“Because I’m tired.” Hankyung considers punching Yoochun in the face for a second, but the other continues.
“Tired of being different, tired of this endless road, tired of having no control of my own life,” Yoochun mutters and it’s soft and without power, but those eyes burn into Hankyung’s, because Hankyung knows exactly how the other feels, what tiredness is. And it makes him angrier, because he was still here, Jaejoong was still here, Jungsoo was still here, Junsu still was and they had all poured sweat, blood and tears into endless practice and neverending days and they had done it together (they belonged together and the dream wasn’t complete if there was a missing piece) and Yoochun didn’t have a right to fucking just leave.
Hankyung tells Yoochun all this and he leaves the other slumped against the wall with a snarl, “Don’t you dare leave Park Yoochun. I’ll never forgive you if you do.”
You’ll never forgive yourself.
Yoochun is still there the next morning.
~
They go out for soju one night after practice. Donghae and Yunho were suppose to come, but had to stay behind for some reason. It’s in one of the food stands on the side of the road and they knock back enough to loosen their tongue, but they’re not drunk.
“Have you ever been in love?” Hankyung asks out of nowhere, because it seemed right at that moment.
“I don’t know,” it comes out in a slur.
“Why not?”
Yoochun looks up at Hankyung suddenly and he leans forward across the table and his eyes are too bright and clear for a tipsy person. That gaze is still burning into him as Yoochun knocks back another shot.
He doesn’t answer and Hankyung doesn’t ask anymore questions after that.
~
It happens one summer afternoon.
There had been rumors floating around for weeks of a new boyband. It had sparked excitement and competitiveness and jealousy, but now none of that mattered because there had been people called into the boss’ office and Hankyung was not one of them. There’s a brief moment of Why? and an equally brief moment of This isn’t fair!, but he understands because he wasn’t good enough, not yet and Yunho and Jaejoong and Junsu deserved this more, more than anything and Hankyung was happy for them, even if something inside of him was curling up when he thought of not being able to achieve his dreams with them
(it was as they were washing the dishes and it was Yunho who had blurted it out, let’s all achieve our dreams together, and even though Jaejoong had rolled his eyes, the three of them had clasped hands- soap foam and all- and promised).
But Hankyung’s not alone, he sits on the polished floor of the empty practice room with Hyukjae. They don’t dance and they don’t speak, they just wait. They wait with heavy hearts and Hankyung doesn’t know what to do, because Hyukjae is here and Junsu is not and this was not how things were meant to be at all (it was suppose to be loud, happy laughter and joyful tears of finally being able to be together) and everything was just wrong.
It feels like hours later when the doors open and Hankyung knows something is wrong by the way that the footsteps sound on the wooden floor; slow and dragging (like Heechul’s when he is forced to dance, Hankyung thinks somewhere in the back of his mind).
There’s a dark look on Junsu’s cheerful face (something seems wrong with that twist of the lips, because it wasn’t a smile and Junsu always smiled) as he grabs Hyukjae and pulls him out, shoving Yoochun roughly out of the way without a glance. Yoochun is staring at the floor and Hankyung trades glances with Yunho and Jaejoong and the tall kid behind them shuffles awkwardly.
They don’t say anything for 3 minutes and 46 seconds.
“Congratulations,” he lets out a breath, then after a pause, “everything will be fine.” He says it all in the same breath, because breathing seemed hard all of a sudden.
~
Hankyung spends a night sleeping between Jaejoong and Yunho on the lounge room floor, thinking of what could have been. Of the smells that would filter through the kitchen and the new dances that they would make up, of schedules and hard work and beautiful eyes and strong arms.
He hugs himself to sleep, until Yunho pulls him closer and he is holding Jaejoong’s hand and he thinks it’ll be alright.
(Because they won’t just break like this)
He spends another night thinking about what will be and he does it pressed between Shiwon and Donghae after some stupid movie that they didn’t really finish. Shiwon is leaning his head against Hankyung’s and Donghae is just sprawled all over his lap and Hankyung can already see the crowded dorms and wild promotions and crazy pranks.
Hankyung falls asleep and doesn’t shove them off even though he knows that his arm and leg will be numb in the morning, and he knows that everything will be alright.
(As long as he’s not alone.)
Hankyung ends up in a bed with Yoochun one night and he thinks of what might happen. He thinks of alcohol and practice rooms and music sheets and a thousand other places and things and none of it explain why he is feeling so lost at the thought of Yoochun leaving.
He doesn’t sleep that night and stares at the sleeping face next to him and he wishes.
(For chances and courage and fate and one more day)
~
The last day they all dance together, Yunho and Jaejoong and Junsu have their arms around him and Hankyung laughs even though he feels like crying and bats at their hands.
(he wishes they could stay forever)
Hankyung grabs Donghae and Hyukjae’s hands and they make a promise to work hard together, until they can all be on the same stage together and Hankyung feels wetness against his neck.
Hankyung hugs them all tighter and the whole group is pulled together and there are whispers of we’ll wait and I don’t want to go and hyung and I love you muttered in his ear and against his skin and Hankyung wonders wildly if they could just stay in a big ball like this and never let go.
He tells Yoochun later with a laugh and the other smile. It doesn’t reach his eyes.
~
Hankyung gets calls and texts from Yunho and Jaejoong and Junsu and even Changmin once or twice and they tell him about new fancy dance routines and better food and a cool new apartment.
They don’t tell him about the grueling practices that hurt and how they never have time to eat and an apartment that’s never seen for more than a couple of minutes before they collapse on to couches and beds and the floor.
He hears it anyway.
It’s in the way Jaejoong pauses over certain words and how Junsu laughs a little too high and Yunho stutters over things and tells him he has to go.
Yoochun doesn’t call Hankyung.
~
It’s months after and the night before DBSK is about to debut and Jungsoo and Heechul had dragged all of them in front of a tiny little TV and Hankyung was practically sitting in Shiwon’s lap as they all squeezed in to watch.
Hankyung’s phone ring and there’s a cheerful voice in his ear, “Hey hyung, wish me luck! I’m really handsome tonight!” and Hankyung barely has time to comprehend the fact that Yoochun had just called him after months of silence and it was as if nothing had happened. There’s a “Yah! Park Yoochun!” in his throat, but it dies when they finally appear on stage and all Hankyung can think of was how much weight they had lost.
The better food was killing them, he thinks.
~
Hankyung was woken by the vibration in his pocket. He shoves Sungmin and Hyukjae off him and steps into the kitchen to answer the phone. He sees the flashing 'Yoochun' on the screen and gets ready to give the younger an earful for being such a bad dongsaeng.
“hyung…,” it comes out before Hankyung has a chance to say anything and the word is so quiet, barely a whisper, that Hankyung doesn’t know what to say.
“Yoochun?” Hankyung whispers back. He doesn’t know why he’s whispering, he just does.
“Hyung…” It comes again. “Hyung…I miss you.”
Hankyung smiles, but the words “Maybe you should call more than, you rascal. I miss you too,” freeze on his lips as he hears a pause and a small choke on the other end.
“I think I love you... And I don’t know how to stop.” The words are choked out and then the phone clicks.
Hankyung doesn’t call back.
~
Super Junior had debuted and Hankyung didn’t have time anymore, enough to exchange lazy conversations with Jaejoong (whilst Yunho yelled out int the back and often stole the phone, which would in turn be stolen by Junsu), but not enough time to wait for Yoochun to call.
Hankyung’s glad.
He doesn’t know why it has to be Yoochun to call, when he often has Yoochun’s number up on the screen and his finger on the call button. But it’s just something between them, the way things are, how they work. Yoochun calls sometimes and Hankyung waits all the time.
Hankyung hates it. It’s as if he needs permission.
He doesn’t need permission to call Shiwon at 2am in the morning (it’s all slurred words and random giggles) and he doesn’t need permission to hug Donghae (the other ends up being the one wrapped aroung him like an octopus) or go shopping with Heechul (carry bags and dressed up more like) or cook with Ryeowook (they bake ridiculous amounts of things and force the others to eat it), And he certainly doesn’t need permission to have someone love him.
Hankyung’s sick of needing permission and he tells Yoochun one day, calling him up for the first time and Yoochun’s happy, Hankyung can tell (there’s an extra bouncy to his words) and they chat about activities and members and the weather and then Hankyung pauses and he tells Yoochun, “Kibum loves me.”
There’s silence on the other end and Hankyung counts to three (one, two, two and a quarter, two and a half…)
then he throws his phone at the wall.
It makes a loud bang and the screen is cracked on the floor and Hankyung smiles.
~
Hankyung tells Kibum straight out and he doesn’t hold back.
“I don’t love you.” It’s not cold, but it hurts.
Kibum looks up with a smile on his lips and something brewing in those eyes, “It doesn’t matter…because I love you.” It’s warm, but it hurts.
Hankyung nods and lets Kibum take his hand.
~
Kibum announces that they are dating the next morning at the breakfast table.
Hankyung ignores the look that Heechul and Shiwon are throwing him; he doesn’t want to know.
They eat breakfast in silence.
~
Hankyung doesn’t know why he does the things he do, only that something flares inside him when Yoochun is near and he’s so angry because Yoochun doesn’t care.
Then he turns up to the DBSK dorms one day to fix this, whatever it is, because he just can’t stand it anymore and he’s got Yoochun’s favorite chocolates in a nice box with a pretty bow that took him minutes to do. He opens the door with a smile and he sees Yoochun and a girl kissing on the bed and he realizes why and it hits him like a truck.
He was fucking in love with Yoochun.
Jaejoong finds the box of chocolate on the floor later.
~
He remembers a phone call of not so long ago, of the words whispered and buried.
He calls Yoochun and he gives the other those words back and there’s still only silence on the other end.
Hankyung hangs up the phone first and thinks bastard. Fuck.
Then he says it again even though Siwon is just through the thin walls and swearing always pissed off the usually sweet tempered man.
He says it under his breath and out loud to the empty room, because well, fuck.
He was still in love with the bastard.
~
Hankyung’s happy with Kibum.
Kibum doesn’t push or force anything to happen when they are alone, a kiss once in a while, some cuddling, a few hugs. Kibum is a smart kid and he knows that he can’t force Hankyung into anything unless he wants to lose him.
But it’s different in front of Yoochun.
The first time, they hold hands, their fingers entwined tightly and they don’t let go the entire time the DBSK members are there. Yoochun glances at them and then away.
The second time, Kibum’s hand is around Hankyung’s waist, pulling him closer and whispering words in his ear. Yoochun pauses and clears his throat and does nothing.
The third time, Kibum has his hand on Hankyung’s ass and pressing kisses onto his neck. Yoochun freezes and opens his mouth as if to speak, then walks off. Still nothing.
Hankyung corners Yoochun afterwards and his mouth is red and his hair mussed and he leans close (too close) and it’s a soft, silent whisper.
“You know what happens next. You know.” He doesn’t elaborate, but he stands close enough (close enough for Yoochun to smell Kibum on him) and the spark in those eyes tell him that Yoochun understands perfectly.
~
They all go on a show one day, all eighteen of them and they all stay in the same hotel afterwards. There’s lots of dancing and Hankyung dances with all he got, all turns and long legs and thrusts.
Hankyung finds Kibum in the shower afterwards and the man has his hands around his hard member and he was stroking himself in rhythm to the soft moans of ‘Hankyung’ escaping from his lips.
Hankyung stands there until Kibum notices him and blushes red in embarrassment. Hankyung only smile and tell him, “tonight. Tonight, you won’t have to do that anymore.” Understanding flare in Kibum’s eyes followed directly by desire and lust. Hankyung leaves the bathroom and he shuts the door so he doesn’t have to hear the long, drawn out moans of his name.
They all have dinner together and Hankyung is sitting directly opposite Yoochun. They are sitting so close that their knees are touching. Hankyung stares at Yoochun throught the entire meal and he likes that there is something swirling in those dark orbs.
That something jumps and flares when Kibum suddenly jerk and almost kick Yoochun in the shins as Hankyung unexpectantly slides a hand under the table and squeezes.
Hankyung keeps his eyes locked on Yoochun’s the entire time and Kibum is twitching and hard under his hands by the time dinner finishes, but not as hard as the look in Yoochun’s eyes.
Hankyung tells Kibum to go up first and wait for him. Kibum is desperate to get out of there and he gives Hankyung’s butt a squeeze before he leaves.
~
The rest of the group is already gone and it’s just the two of them.
“Whatever it is that we have between us,” Hankyung tells it to Yoochun in a firm, clear voice, “whatever this is, it ends tonight. When I go up there, I’ll be Kibum’s and we won’t be anything anymore. Not ever again.”
This is Hankyung’s last gamble. If Yoochun didn’t care about this, then he doesn’t care at all and Hankyung will be doing this with someone who actually loved him.
“Tell me to stop. To not go.” It’s not a plea, it’s a lifeline.
Yoochun says nothing and Hankyung walks away without a backward glance.
I think I love you…But I know how to stop.
~
Kibum’s waiting when Hankyung gets back to the room and there’s something different in those eyes and Hankyung is slammed up against the door as soon as it closes. There are lips and tongue and teeth on his neck and hands sliding under clothes and touching him everywhere. There’s too much closeness and he wants to push off the weight, but Kibum is stronger and Hankyung reminds himself that this is his fucking boyfriend for godsake.
It’s this mentality that carries him through as he’s maneuvered to the bed and pushed down. He thinks of Kibum’s care and kindness and devotion and he lets Kibum lie down on top of him and grind that hardness into his still limp member. He thinks of that brilliant smile and those eyes and he lets Kibum strip him of his pants.
It’s not quite enough when he feels Kibum’s mouth close over his member and suck and lick and bite. It’s definitely not enough when Kibum leaves marks on the inside of his thighs and forcefully grind and tug at Hankyung’s member until it’s stiff and standing up. It’s nowhere near enough when Kibum reaches over Hankyung to grab the lube and his dripping member drags across Hankyung’s chest and over his mouth and then it’s in his mouth and Hankyung’s gagging because Kibum is moving his hips and fucking his mouth and the member shoves all the way down his throat.
Yoochun…why aren’t you here?
Hankyung is shaking and he pushes at Kibum, no let’s stop, wait, but the calm man had a lustful look all over his face and he pins Hankyung’s hands above his head and he gasps when there’s suddenly a cold finger pushing into him. Hankyung squirms and tries to draw away which only causes him to tighten around Kibum’s finger and Hanyung wants to yell when he sees Kibum’s eyes glaze over and then he’s screaming into Kibum’s hand tight across his mouth as a couple more fingers are added in suddenly.
Yoochun! Save me!
The fingers move fast and rough inside of him and Hankyung is choking back sobs at the pain. Hankyung wants to curl up (away from those fingers, away from the pain, away from Kibum) but they just keep pushing and pushing. Then the hand is gone and Hankyung’s drawing in great big breath of oxygen and he thinks maybe Kibum had woken to what he was doing, but then there’s there’s hands gripping him hard and flipping him over roughly and Hankyung freezes in fear.
“No! Kibum! Stop…stop it!”
His cries go unnoticed and Kibum’s pinning him down and when he feels the tip of the large member at his entrance, the tears finally break free. Then the hardness is nudging and moving and pushing slowly into him and it hurts so much that he wants to die.
Yoochun….I thought you loved me…Yoochun…
The pain was blinding and Kibum wasn’t even halfway in and Hankyung is hoping he faints because then it won’t hurt like this. Then Kibum pulls all the way out of him and Hankyung is limp on the sheets and he thinks it’s over, but then the hands grip him tighter and his hips are lifted and his pushed until he’s on his knees and Hankyung is fighting but Kibum is so strong as he lines up his penis with Hankyung’s entrance again and moves back and forth and his fucking, aiming and Hankyung’s halfway through a scream as he feels those hands tighten and Kibum’s hips pull all the way back for a hard, deep thrust that would push him all the way into Hankyung.
He closes his eyes and bites his lips and waits for the excruciating intrusion, for the pain and blood and darkness and death even.
“Kibum….Stop please I beg you…”
Where are you Yoochun?
He braces himself and the thrust moves the bed and it‘s just inside of Hankyung, before it’s jerked out again. And Hankyung collapses on to the bed in pain (even that bit was threatening to rip him apart) and confusion as the hands are gone too. It hurts too much to turn around and sit up, but he hears the thump and curses and he flinches when hands touch his shoulders.
But the hands are soft and warm and when he opens his eyes, he’s looking into Yoochun’s eyes and he sees all the anger and apologies and shock and self hatred and fear.
“Yoochun…you rescued me again.”
Hankyung smiles as Yoochun chokes on a sob and a broken laugh. It’s the last thing he remembers, before everything just stops.
~
Hankyung wakes up in darkness and and the clock tells him that it’s 3:08am and he glances over to see Yoochun still kneeling beside the bed, tears wet on his face even as he slept at an unnatural angle.
He looks at the hand holding his and he sees in the moonlight the bruised and bleeding knuckles and he feels twisted, because he’s aching everywhere, but he’s happy.
~
The morning dawns bright and as the sun peeks over the horizon, bright and pure, he feels the sadness wash away.
The pain is still there though, when he moves and the gasp of pain that escapes is enough to send Yoochun jerking up with wide, darting eyes that fly around the room before settling on Hankyung’s.
They don’t say anything for a long time, because Hankyung doesn’t know how to admit he was wrong to resort to such ways and Yoochun didn’t have enough words to say how sorry he was, how weak and how undeserving of Hankyung’s love.
“You’re stupid,” Yoochun mutters as he rubs at Hankyung’s palm.
“You’re late,” Hankyung whispers back as he leans against Yochun’s shoulders.
Their lips touch and the both smile into the light kiss. They made no promises and no confessions.
They just leaned into each other and it feels like home.
~
They don’t tell the others about them, because there’s nothing to tell. They couldn’t say they were together, because they weren’ t dating, and they couldn’t say that they were in love, because they haven’t even said that to each other properly and they don’t say that they never want to be apart, because well, that was just impossible.
There’s a word for them somewhere, Hankyung knows that there is, something between friends and lovers and not in between anything at all.
They’re not friends because friends don’t sneak long drawn out kisses in dressing rooms and vans and in empty corridors. And they most certainly don’t make love in the dark, swallowing each other’s cries and moans and just swallowing each other (it takes them almost a year after that night, but it happens and Hankyung cries because Yoochun is so much larger than Kibum and Yoochun kisses away all his tears and tells him he loves him through the way he stops even though he’s aching, then Hankyung’s pulling him closer and then everyone knows about them after that).
They’re not lovers, because lovers talk to each other and see each other all the time and they rarely do. Hankyung doesn’t like talking on the phone and neither does Yoochun and they send each other letters sometimes (Heechul calls it old fashioned and Sungmin cooes over it), but they don’t chat for hours on end each night, because that was not how they were. They dont go on dates, they go outside in disguises and just sit opposite each other in a tiny little coffee shop at the edge of town and they just drink their coffee and read the paper and they don’t cuddle or make eyes at each other or touch each other under the table like lovers; they don’t even talk sometimes, just sitting there saying nothing, knees barely touching and it’s beautiful because they’re together and no one knows (except maybe he waitress if she ever realizes that their coffees are always switched over by the time they leave).
Soulmates, Hankyung thinks sometimes, but it’s still not quite right.
It’s not enough, not them.
~
Yoochun spends months composing a song towards the end of the year and there’s music sheets littered all over the piano and the couch and the floor and Yoochun’s bed and Hankyung wonders what it is. Yoochun doesn’t show him though, doesn’t even let him near and Hankyung spends his time lounging in his best friend’s room, instead of his boyfriend’s whenever he visits.
Jaejoong just rolls his eyes at Hankyung’s mopey look and shoves him off the bed, telling him to cheer up and be fun, so they can hang like old times. Hankyung stares at Jaejoong and jumps on top of his best friend and there’s screaming and laughing and shouting as Hankyung mercilessly tickles Jaejoong until both of them can’t breathe. They don’t leave the room for hours and the others go without dinner and Yunho finds them curled up on the bed in the morning.
Yoochun lets Hankyung into his room after that.
~
Hankyung is allowed to hear the piece for the first time on his birthday.
It’s breathtaking and there are soft tilts and soaring crescendos all mixed with powerful chords and flowing notes and it’s sad and melancholy at times and passionate and intense at other times and the whole thing fits together like an epic, untold love story of random meetings and missed opportunities and phone calls and new chances and forever.
Hankyung cries and cries and Yoochun wipes away his tears and tells him that he can’t think of a title and they spend the rest of the night hugging and kissing and coming up with names, like they were naming their child.
They fall asleep in a pile of crumpled pages and crossed out lines and there’s a Polaroid on top of the finalized music sheets, of two entwined hands and a title scribbled onto the back of one of the hands.
I think I love you…
~
One day Yoochun takes Hankyung’s hand in the late afternoon as the sun sets and they run through the streets of Seoul again, only this time they’re not running from goons, they’re running from themselves.
They run from their fears and their mistakes and their insecurities and uncertainties. They run from obstacles and rules and an invisible barrier. They run from everything and anything that’s keeping them apart.
They run until they’re breathless and gasping and their lungs heave and their feet hurt. They run until Yoochun pulls Hankyung past the food stall with the good bungeoppang he still haven’t tried yet and into the dark alleyway where they had met all those years ago.
There are no insults or toothpicks or fights this time, only the two of them and the darkness.
Hankyung reaches up and touches the spot where the bruise had long faded and Yoochun puts both hands on either side of Hankyung’s head and kisses him until oxygen had long ran out and there’s something swirling in those eyes.
“Hankyung,” Yoochun whispers into his ear, "Geng..." “I think I love you…” It’s whispered into his neck and Hankyung shivers. The last is whispered into his lips and they don’t part because Hankyung is afraid of letting the beautiful words escape from him.
“…and I don’t ever want to stop.”
~
Hankyung stop trying to find that one word, because they were each other’s and that was all that mattered.
//
end
*****************************************
I Think I Love You…
~
The first time they meet, it’s in a dark alleyway off in the shadows of restaurants and high rise buildings. There are three men cornering Hankyung and there’s filthy words flowing from their mouth, Korean and horribly mangled grunts in what must have been an attempt at Chinese. The leader has his shirt unbuttoned to reveal disgustingly pale skin and a toothpick dangling in his mouth; Hankyung wants to slam that toothpick into that filthy tongue.
“What does a little girl like you doing here all alone? Why don’t you run back to your little mommy and your own pathetic country!”
Hankyung wasn’t out for a fight tonight, he had been out to get some bungeoppang from the corner stall, because Sungmin had insisted that he just had to try it. But no one insults his country as well as his mother and gets away with it. Hankyung kicks out and the leader hits the opposite wall, but there are two others quickly there and he has to move quickly. Then before he can do anything there’s a fist flying out of nowhere and Hankyung is so stunned that some stranger is helping him, that he just stops and stares. Then the man cops a sharp right hook and Hankyung jumps back in and the goons are soon lying on the ground.
“Hey-” Hankyung barely gets out, before a hand is pulling him along and out of the alley and doesn’t let him go as they run past the food stalls and the fancy clothing shops and they’re almost out of the shopping district, before Hankyung remembers that he lives in the opposite direction and he pulls at the other to stop.
“What are you doing?”
It comes out in a rushed breath and it’s harsher than Hankyung intends. He watches as the other man blinks, then blink again and Hankyung knows that the other doesn’t know the answer either. So he was right, there was absolutely no reason to be running through the streets of Seoul with a stranger.
“I- I was…we were running away from the- and I-”
The man had a low, husky voice and Hankyung thinks that there’s something different about it, it wasn’t like Siwon’s or Jaejoong’s, there was just something off and he doesn’t know what it is, only that it’s there. He looked bewildered though as if Hankyung was the one that was out of his mind and that they should still be running. Hankyung doesn’t point out that it’s the goons who are lying in the alleyway and instead he bows quickly and pulls back his hand.
“Thank you.” It’s mostly sincere. Even if he didn't need help, the other had meant well.
Hankyung leaves the other standing there and walk off hurriedly. He walks around until he finally gives up and calls Jaejoong. Jaejoong’s worried voice fill the cold air and Hankyung smiles as he waits for his best friend to come pick him up and he only thinks of the stranger once in the entire half hour it takes for Jaejoong to come.
~
Hankyung’s in the practice rooms dancing with Yunho and Junsu and there are cheers from the other trainees as they engage in a heated dance battle. No one pays attention to the figure that slides the door open and stands in the doorway staring in awe and amazement. Hankyung is dripping with sweat and Yunho has his arms around him, pulling him towards the cafeteria and Hankyung’s in the middle of flicking a wet towel at Junsu’s butt, when he catches sight of the man from last night standing in the doorway and stops so abruptly that Yunho almost dislocates his arm still slung over Hankyung’s shoulders.
“What are you doing here?”
There’s shock in the murmured Korean and written all over Hankyung’s face as he stares at this man that he didn’t think he’d ever see again (there’s a bruise sprinkled across sharp cheekbones and Hankyung winces slightly inside). Yunho shifts so that he is standing partly in front of Hankyung and eyes the newcomer with suspicion, “Yah! have you been bothering our Hankyung?”
“I’m Park Yoochun, I’m a new trainee…” It comes out as a whisper.
There’s uncertainty in those words, much like how Hankyung had talked at first and he seemed almost scared of Hankyung (as if he wasn’t the one to drag barge into Hankyung’s business and then drag him around aimlessly for half a night). Hankyung thinks of his first day, of how utterly alone he had felt until Jungsoo had spoken to him and he softens, “Want to come eat with us?”
The man- Yoochun- brightens immediately and Yunho drags Hankyung off, whispering increasingly impossible possibilities of how they might know each other into his ear as Hankyung just laughed.
It’s even more crowded then usual at the table and the others take to the new presence in true form, Shiwon and Jungsoo all smiles and welcome, Donghae and Hyukjae quickly jumping in with the curious questions and Heechul and Jaejoong just eyeing Yoochun with cool eyes. Hankyung is pulled next from Yunho’s side and dragged between Heechul and Jaejoong and a plate is shoved in front of him. There are too many voices and it’s too loud and they’re speaking too fast and Hankyung just sit and eat and he meets Yoochun’s equally bewildered and confused eyes across the table and Hankyung thinks that maybe this stranger could become a friend.
He’s left fuming and shouting Chinese and broken Korean at the departing crowd, when Shiwon asks him if he was alright after Yoochun had rescued him yesterday. Shiwon’s eyebrows rise wildly into his hair as Hankyung splutters and flails his arms around as he rambles about being good at martial arts and not a girl that needs rescuing and who the hell does Park Yoochun think he is.
Hankyung remembers that name after that.
~
Yoochun is actually not a bad dancer, Hankyung thinks as he watches the other dance in the middle of the floor. He doesn’t have the same inate talent as Hankyung or Yunho and Hyukjae and Junsu and Donghae could all kick his arse, but there was enthusiasm there, passion and determination and Hankyung thinks he likes watching Yoochun dance.
The examinations were coming up and Hankyung practices hard because he was going to rise to Group A, because that was where all the best dancers were. He practices and practices, late into the night that soon blends into the early rays of dawn and it’s just as the darkness is giving way to the light, that he runs into Yoochun.
He helps Yoochun practice, even though he wants nothing more than to go to sleep, because there was a look in the other man’s eyes that was exactly like Hankyung’s when he had danced his way from Group D to Group C then to Group B in a matter of months. They dance the night away and the next and the next, and it’s the night before the examinations and Heechul is yelling at Yoochun, because Hankyung was burning up with fever.
(exhaustion and not eating properly had lowered his immune system and above all that he was barely sleeping at all, the doctor had said, followed by long words that Yoochun couldn’t understand and didn’t need to understand, because all he needed to know was it was all his fault ).
Hankyung misses the examinations and Yoochun does too; refusing to leave Hankyung’s bedside even after Heechul had threatened to throw him out. Hankyung wakes up to see Yoochun’s tear stricken face and he only smiles and tells him that it’s not his fault. And it was that smile that kept him sane through the next few days of Yunho and Junsu giving him the silent treatment and Donghae hmmmfing everytime he say Yoochun and Heechul being downright mean and Jaejoong giving him one of his infamous icy stares. He apologizes over and over and promises to fix it and Hankyung only ruffles his hair and says, “of course!”
He’s smiling like nothing happened and Yoochun feels like he's murdered someone.
Two weeks later, there’s an impromptu examination and Hankyung gets into Group A and Yoochun laughs freely as Hankyung breaks away from being sandwiched by Yunho and Junsu and throws his arms around Yoochun’s neck and shouts, “You were right, Yoochun! You made it happen Yoochun!”
Yoochun inhales each time the other man says his name and he thinks of all the nights he spent standing outside Lee Soo Man’s office and he thinks, fuck if this wasn’t worth every single second of waiting and begging.
~
Hankyung is walking up the stairs, up to the singing practice rooms, to find Jaejoong, because they were suppose to be cooking hotpot for the others today. He peers into all the rooms and he’s down to the second last one along the corridor, when he pushes open the door and finds a figure curled up in the corner and it takes him a whole five seconds and a half to realize that it’s Yoochun.
There’s a hollow sound in the air and Hankyung thinks of endless wells and dark corners and soaked pillows. It takes him a moment longer to realize it’s the sound of crying and Hankyung has his arms wrapped around the younger man before he could stop himself. Yoochun stiffens and Hankyung remembers things called privacy and wanting to be alone and pride, but it’s all too late, because Yoochun turns around and Hankyung sees the wetness on his cheeks and the lost, uncertain eyes that stare at him with a silent plea and he sinks down completely onto the floor and wraps his arms more securely and presses his cheek into the the thin fabric, into Yoochun’s shoulders and neck and they shake through the tears together.
Hankyung watches his phone vibrate on the floor, Jae flashing again and again, and he thinks of all the others at their dorms and he stares at the sleeping man collapsed in his arms and texts Jaejoong (Yoochun needs me).
Then he turns the phone off completely.
~
Hankyung’s the last person to hear. The others are muttering and he sees the frown marring Jungsoo’s cheerful face and Yunho is biting his lips softly; it’s Jaejoong who tells him though, “Yoochun is thinking of leaving.”
He runs through the corridors and he searches through all the singing rooms and the recording studio and the little storage room that Yoochun likes to go to (the other had stolen Shindong’s chips once and the two of them had sat on the floor next to the brooms and the window wipers and shared the packet of chips like it was the most precious thing in the world). Hankyung’s out of breath when he finds Yoochun and he’s pissed off, because Yoochun was suppose to be predictable and Hankyung should have found him immediately and not nearly an hour later, in the fucking dance rooms of all places. He’s angry and confused and he doesn’t hug the other this time, he grabs Yoochun by the collar of his shirt and pulls him to his feet and shoves him against the wall.
“Why?” It’s hissed through pursed lips, angry and low. Yoochun hangs his head and doesn’t answer.
“Why?!” It’s lower, but sharper this time and Hankyung tightens his grip on Yoochun’s collar, twisting it until Yoochun is forced to look up, forced to answer.
“Because I’m tired.” Hankyung considers punching Yoochun in the face for a second, but the other continues.
“Tired of being different, tired of this endless road, tired of having no control of my own life,” Yoochun mutters and it’s soft and without power, but those eyes burn into Hankyung’s, because Hankyung knows exactly how the other feels, what tiredness is. And it makes him angrier, because he was still here, Jaejoong was still here, Jungsoo was still here, Junsu still was and they had all poured sweat, blood and tears into endless practice and neverending days and they had done it together (they belonged together and the dream wasn’t complete if there was a missing piece) and Yoochun didn’t have a right to fucking just leave.
Hankyung tells Yoochun all this and he leaves the other slumped against the wall with a snarl, “Don’t you dare leave Park Yoochun. I’ll never forgive you if you do.”
You’ll never forgive yourself.
Yoochun is still there the next morning.
~
They go out for soju one night after practice. Donghae and Yunho were suppose to come, but had to stay behind for some reason. It’s in one of the food stands on the side of the road and they knock back enough to loosen their tongue, but they’re not drunk.
“Have you ever been in love?” Hankyung asks out of nowhere, because it seemed right at that moment.
“I don’t know,” it comes out in a slur.
“Why not?”
Yoochun looks up at Hankyung suddenly and he leans forward across the table and his eyes are too bright and clear for a tipsy person. That gaze is still burning into him as Yoochun knocks back another shot.
He doesn’t answer and Hankyung doesn’t ask anymore questions after that.
~
It happens one summer afternoon.
There had been rumors floating around for weeks of a new boyband. It had sparked excitement and competitiveness and jealousy, but now none of that mattered because there had been people called into the boss’ office and Hankyung was not one of them. There’s a brief moment of Why? and an equally brief moment of This isn’t fair!, but he understands because he wasn’t good enough, not yet and Yunho and Jaejoong and Junsu deserved this more, more than anything and Hankyung was happy for them, even if something inside of him was curling up when he thought of not being able to achieve his dreams with them
(it was as they were washing the dishes and it was Yunho who had blurted it out, let’s all achieve our dreams together, and even though Jaejoong had rolled his eyes, the three of them had clasped hands- soap foam and all- and promised).
But Hankyung’s not alone, he sits on the polished floor of the empty practice room with Hyukjae. They don’t dance and they don’t speak, they just wait. They wait with heavy hearts and Hankyung doesn’t know what to do, because Hyukjae is here and Junsu is not and this was not how things were meant to be at all (it was suppose to be loud, happy laughter and joyful tears of finally being able to be together) and everything was just wrong.
It feels like hours later when the doors open and Hankyung knows something is wrong by the way that the footsteps sound on the wooden floor; slow and dragging (like Heechul’s when he is forced to dance, Hankyung thinks somewhere in the back of his mind).
There’s a dark look on Junsu’s cheerful face (something seems wrong with that twist of the lips, because it wasn’t a smile and Junsu always smiled) as he grabs Hyukjae and pulls him out, shoving Yoochun roughly out of the way without a glance. Yoochun is staring at the floor and Hankyung trades glances with Yunho and Jaejoong and the tall kid behind them shuffles awkwardly.
They don’t say anything for 3 minutes and 46 seconds.
“Congratulations,” he lets out a breath, then after a pause, “everything will be fine.” He says it all in the same breath, because breathing seemed hard all of a sudden.
~
Hankyung spends a night sleeping between Jaejoong and Yunho on the lounge room floor, thinking of what could have been. Of the smells that would filter through the kitchen and the new dances that they would make up, of schedules and hard work and beautiful eyes and strong arms.
He hugs himself to sleep, until Yunho pulls him closer and he is holding Jaejoong’s hand and he thinks it’ll be alright.
(Because they won’t just break like this)
He spends another night thinking about what will be and he does it pressed between Shiwon and Donghae after some stupid movie that they didn’t really finish. Shiwon is leaning his head against Hankyung’s and Donghae is just sprawled all over his lap and Hankyung can already see the crowded dorms and wild promotions and crazy pranks.
Hankyung falls asleep and doesn’t shove them off even though he knows that his arm and leg will be numb in the morning, and he knows that everything will be alright.
(As long as he’s not alone.)
Hankyung ends up in a bed with Yoochun one night and he thinks of what might happen. He thinks of alcohol and practice rooms and music sheets and a thousand other places and things and none of it explain why he is feeling so lost at the thought of Yoochun leaving.
He doesn’t sleep that night and stares at the sleeping face next to him and he wishes.
(For chances and courage and fate and one more day)
~
The last day they all dance together, Yunho and Jaejoong and Junsu have their arms around him and Hankyung laughs even though he feels like crying and bats at their hands.
(he wishes they could stay forever)
Hankyung grabs Donghae and Hyukjae’s hands and they make a promise to work hard together, until they can all be on the same stage together and Hankyung feels wetness against his neck.
Hankyung hugs them all tighter and the whole group is pulled together and there are whispers of we’ll wait and I don’t want to go and hyung and I love you muttered in his ear and against his skin and Hankyung wonders wildly if they could just stay in a big ball like this and never let go.
He tells Yoochun later with a laugh and the other smile. It doesn’t reach his eyes.
~
Hankyung gets calls and texts from Yunho and Jaejoong and Junsu and even Changmin once or twice and they tell him about new fancy dance routines and better food and a cool new apartment.
They don’t tell him about the grueling practices that hurt and how they never have time to eat and an apartment that’s never seen for more than a couple of minutes before they collapse on to couches and beds and the floor.
He hears it anyway.
It’s in the way Jaejoong pauses over certain words and how Junsu laughs a little too high and Yunho stutters over things and tells him he has to go.
Yoochun doesn’t call Hankyung.
~
It’s months after and the night before DBSK is about to debut and Jungsoo and Heechul had dragged all of them in front of a tiny little TV and Hankyung was practically sitting in Shiwon’s lap as they all squeezed in to watch.
Hankyung’s phone ring and there’s a cheerful voice in his ear, “Hey hyung, wish me luck! I’m really handsome tonight!” and Hankyung barely has time to comprehend the fact that Yoochun had just called him after months of silence and it was as if nothing had happened. There’s a “Yah! Park Yoochun!” in his throat, but it dies when they finally appear on stage and all Hankyung can think of was how much weight they had lost.
The better food was killing them, he thinks.
~
Hankyung was woken by the vibration in his pocket. He shoves Sungmin and Hyukjae off him and steps into the kitchen to answer the phone. He sees the flashing 'Yoochun' on the screen and gets ready to give the younger an earful for being such a bad dongsaeng.
“hyung…,” it comes out before Hankyung has a chance to say anything and the word is so quiet, barely a whisper, that Hankyung doesn’t know what to say.
“Yoochun?” Hankyung whispers back. He doesn’t know why he’s whispering, he just does.
“Hyung…” It comes again. “Hyung…I miss you.”
Hankyung smiles, but the words “Maybe you should call more than, you rascal. I miss you too,” freeze on his lips as he hears a pause and a small choke on the other end.
“I think I love you... And I don’t know how to stop.” The words are choked out and then the phone clicks.
Hankyung doesn’t call back.
~
Super Junior had debuted and Hankyung didn’t have time anymore, enough to exchange lazy conversations with Jaejoong (whilst Yunho yelled out int the back and often stole the phone, which would in turn be stolen by Junsu), but not enough time to wait for Yoochun to call.
Hankyung’s glad.
He doesn’t know why it has to be Yoochun to call, when he often has Yoochun’s number up on the screen and his finger on the call button. But it’s just something between them, the way things are, how they work. Yoochun calls sometimes and Hankyung waits all the time.
Hankyung hates it. It’s as if he needs permission.
He doesn’t need permission to call Shiwon at 2am in the morning (it’s all slurred words and random giggles) and he doesn’t need permission to hug Donghae (the other ends up being the one wrapped aroung him like an octopus) or go shopping with Heechul (carry bags and dressed up more like) or cook with Ryeowook (they bake ridiculous amounts of things and force the others to eat it), And he certainly doesn’t need permission to have someone love him.
Hankyung’s sick of needing permission and he tells Yoochun one day, calling him up for the first time and Yoochun’s happy, Hankyung can tell (there’s an extra bouncy to his words) and they chat about activities and members and the weather and then Hankyung pauses and he tells Yoochun, “Kibum loves me.”
There’s silence on the other end and Hankyung counts to three (one, two, two and a quarter, two and a half…)
then he throws his phone at the wall.
It makes a loud bang and the screen is cracked on the floor and Hankyung smiles.
~
Hankyung tells Kibum straight out and he doesn’t hold back.
“I don’t love you.” It’s not cold, but it hurts.
Kibum looks up with a smile on his lips and something brewing in those eyes, “It doesn’t matter…because I love you.” It’s warm, but it hurts.
Hankyung nods and lets Kibum take his hand.
~
Kibum announces that they are dating the next morning at the breakfast table.
Hankyung ignores the look that Heechul and Shiwon are throwing him; he doesn’t want to know.
They eat breakfast in silence.
~
Hankyung doesn’t know why he does the things he do, only that something flares inside him when Yoochun is near and he’s so angry because Yoochun doesn’t care.
Then he turns up to the DBSK dorms one day to fix this, whatever it is, because he just can’t stand it anymore and he’s got Yoochun’s favorite chocolates in a nice box with a pretty bow that took him minutes to do. He opens the door with a smile and he sees Yoochun and a girl kissing on the bed and he realizes why and it hits him like a truck.
He was fucking in love with Yoochun.
Jaejoong finds the box of chocolate on the floor later.
~
He remembers a phone call of not so long ago, of the words whispered and buried.
He calls Yoochun and he gives the other those words back and there’s still only silence on the other end.
Hankyung hangs up the phone first and thinks bastard. Fuck.
Then he says it again even though Siwon is just through the thin walls and swearing always pissed off the usually sweet tempered man.
He says it under his breath and out loud to the empty room, because well, fuck.
He was still in love with the bastard.
~
Hankyung’s happy with Kibum.
Kibum doesn’t push or force anything to happen when they are alone, a kiss once in a while, some cuddling, a few hugs. Kibum is a smart kid and he knows that he can’t force Hankyung into anything unless he wants to lose him.
But it’s different in front of Yoochun.
The first time, they hold hands, their fingers entwined tightly and they don’t let go the entire time the DBSK members are there. Yoochun glances at them and then away.
The second time, Kibum’s hand is around Hankyung’s waist, pulling him closer and whispering words in his ear. Yoochun pauses and clears his throat and does nothing.
The third time, Kibum has his hand on Hankyung’s ass and pressing kisses onto his neck. Yoochun freezes and opens his mouth as if to speak, then walks off. Still nothing.
Hankyung corners Yoochun afterwards and his mouth is red and his hair mussed and he leans close (too close) and it’s a soft, silent whisper.
“You know what happens next. You know.” He doesn’t elaborate, but he stands close enough (close enough for Yoochun to smell Kibum on him) and the spark in those eyes tell him that Yoochun understands perfectly.
~
They all go on a show one day, all eighteen of them and they all stay in the same hotel afterwards. There’s lots of dancing and Hankyung dances with all he got, all turns and long legs and thrusts.
Hankyung finds Kibum in the shower afterwards and the man has his hands around his hard member and he was stroking himself in rhythm to the soft moans of ‘Hankyung’ escaping from his lips.
Hankyung stands there until Kibum notices him and blushes red in embarrassment. Hankyung only smile and tell him, “tonight. Tonight, you won’t have to do that anymore.” Understanding flare in Kibum’s eyes followed directly by desire and lust. Hankyung leaves the bathroom and he shuts the door so he doesn’t have to hear the long, drawn out moans of his name.
They all have dinner together and Hankyung is sitting directly opposite Yoochun. They are sitting so close that their knees are touching. Hankyung stares at Yoochun throught the entire meal and he likes that there is something swirling in those dark orbs.
That something jumps and flares when Kibum suddenly jerk and almost kick Yoochun in the shins as Hankyung unexpectantly slides a hand under the table and squeezes.
Hankyung keeps his eyes locked on Yoochun’s the entire time and Kibum is twitching and hard under his hands by the time dinner finishes, but not as hard as the look in Yoochun’s eyes.
Hankyung tells Kibum to go up first and wait for him. Kibum is desperate to get out of there and he gives Hankyung’s butt a squeeze before he leaves.
~
The rest of the group is already gone and it’s just the two of them.
“Whatever it is that we have between us,” Hankyung tells it to Yoochun in a firm, clear voice, “whatever this is, it ends tonight. When I go up there, I’ll be Kibum’s and we won’t be anything anymore. Not ever again.”
This is Hankyung’s last gamble. If Yoochun didn’t care about this, then he doesn’t care at all and Hankyung will be doing this with someone who actually loved him.
“Tell me to stop. To not go.” It’s not a plea, it’s a lifeline.
Yoochun says nothing and Hankyung walks away without a backward glance.
I think I love you…But I know how to stop.
~
Kibum’s waiting when Hankyung gets back to the room and there’s something different in those eyes and Hankyung is slammed up against the door as soon as it closes. There are lips and tongue and teeth on his neck and hands sliding under clothes and touching him everywhere. There’s too much closeness and he wants to push off the weight, but Kibum is stronger and Hankyung reminds himself that this is his fucking boyfriend for godsake.
It’s this mentality that carries him through as he’s maneuvered to the bed and pushed down. He thinks of Kibum’s care and kindness and devotion and he lets Kibum lie down on top of him and grind that hardness into his still limp member. He thinks of that brilliant smile and those eyes and he lets Kibum strip him of his pants.
It’s not quite enough when he feels Kibum’s mouth close over his member and suck and lick and bite. It’s definitely not enough when Kibum leaves marks on the inside of his thighs and forcefully grind and tug at Hankyung’s member until it’s stiff and standing up. It’s nowhere near enough when Kibum reaches over Hankyung to grab the lube and his dripping member drags across Hankyung’s chest and over his mouth and then it’s in his mouth and Hankyung’s gagging because Kibum is moving his hips and fucking his mouth and the member shoves all the way down his throat.
Yoochun…why aren’t you here?
Hankyung is shaking and he pushes at Kibum, no let’s stop, wait, but the calm man had a lustful look all over his face and he pins Hankyung’s hands above his head and he gasps when there’s suddenly a cold finger pushing into him. Hankyung squirms and tries to draw away which only causes him to tighten around Kibum’s finger and Hanyung wants to yell when he sees Kibum’s eyes glaze over and then he’s screaming into Kibum’s hand tight across his mouth as a couple more fingers are added in suddenly.
Yoochun! Save me!
The fingers move fast and rough inside of him and Hankyung is choking back sobs at the pain. Hankyung wants to curl up (away from those fingers, away from the pain, away from Kibum) but they just keep pushing and pushing. Then the hand is gone and Hankyung’s drawing in great big breath of oxygen and he thinks maybe Kibum had woken to what he was doing, but then there’s there’s hands gripping him hard and flipping him over roughly and Hankyung freezes in fear.
“No! Kibum! Stop…stop it!”
His cries go unnoticed and Kibum’s pinning him down and when he feels the tip of the large member at his entrance, the tears finally break free. Then the hardness is nudging and moving and pushing slowly into him and it hurts so much that he wants to die.
Yoochun….I thought you loved me…Yoochun…
The pain was blinding and Kibum wasn’t even halfway in and Hankyung is hoping he faints because then it won’t hurt like this. Then Kibum pulls all the way out of him and Hankyung is limp on the sheets and he thinks it’s over, but then the hands grip him tighter and his hips are lifted and his pushed until he’s on his knees and Hankyung is fighting but Kibum is so strong as he lines up his penis with Hankyung’s entrance again and moves back and forth and his fucking, aiming and Hankyung’s halfway through a scream as he feels those hands tighten and Kibum’s hips pull all the way back for a hard, deep thrust that would push him all the way into Hankyung.
He closes his eyes and bites his lips and waits for the excruciating intrusion, for the pain and blood and darkness and death even.
“Kibum….Stop please I beg you…”
Where are you Yoochun?
He braces himself and the thrust moves the bed and it‘s just inside of Hankyung, before it’s jerked out again. And Hankyung collapses on to the bed in pain (even that bit was threatening to rip him apart) and confusion as the hands are gone too. It hurts too much to turn around and sit up, but he hears the thump and curses and he flinches when hands touch his shoulders.
But the hands are soft and warm and when he opens his eyes, he’s looking into Yoochun’s eyes and he sees all the anger and apologies and shock and self hatred and fear.
“Yoochun…you rescued me again.”
Hankyung smiles as Yoochun chokes on a sob and a broken laugh. It’s the last thing he remembers, before everything just stops.
~
Hankyung wakes up in darkness and and the clock tells him that it’s 3:08am and he glances over to see Yoochun still kneeling beside the bed, tears wet on his face even as he slept at an unnatural angle.
He looks at the hand holding his and he sees in the moonlight the bruised and bleeding knuckles and he feels twisted, because he’s aching everywhere, but he’s happy.
~
The morning dawns bright and as the sun peeks over the horizon, bright and pure, he feels the sadness wash away.
The pain is still there though, when he moves and the gasp of pain that escapes is enough to send Yoochun jerking up with wide, darting eyes that fly around the room before settling on Hankyung’s.
They don’t say anything for a long time, because Hankyung doesn’t know how to admit he was wrong to resort to such ways and Yoochun didn’t have enough words to say how sorry he was, how weak and how undeserving of Hankyung’s love.
“You’re stupid,” Yoochun mutters as he rubs at Hankyung’s palm.
“You’re late,” Hankyung whispers back as he leans against Yochun’s shoulders.
Their lips touch and the both smile into the light kiss. They made no promises and no confessions.
They just leaned into each other and it feels like home.
~
They don’t tell the others about them, because there’s nothing to tell. They couldn’t say they were together, because they weren’ t dating, and they couldn’t say that they were in love, because they haven’t even said that to each other properly and they don’t say that they never want to be apart, because well, that was just impossible.
There’s a word for them somewhere, Hankyung knows that there is, something between friends and lovers and not in between anything at all.
They’re not friends because friends don’t sneak long drawn out kisses in dressing rooms and vans and in empty corridors. And they most certainly don’t make love in the dark, swallowing each other’s cries and moans and just swallowing each other (it takes them almost a year after that night, but it happens and Hankyung cries because Yoochun is so much larger than Kibum and Yoochun kisses away all his tears and tells him he loves him through the way he stops even though he’s aching, then Hankyung’s pulling him closer and then everyone knows about them after that).
They’re not lovers, because lovers talk to each other and see each other all the time and they rarely do. Hankyung doesn’t like talking on the phone and neither does Yoochun and they send each other letters sometimes (Heechul calls it old fashioned and Sungmin cooes over it), but they don’t chat for hours on end each night, because that was not how they were. They dont go on dates, they go outside in disguises and just sit opposite each other in a tiny little coffee shop at the edge of town and they just drink their coffee and read the paper and they don’t cuddle or make eyes at each other or touch each other under the table like lovers; they don’t even talk sometimes, just sitting there saying nothing, knees barely touching and it’s beautiful because they’re together and no one knows (except maybe he waitress if she ever realizes that their coffees are always switched over by the time they leave).
Soulmates, Hankyung thinks sometimes, but it’s still not quite right.
It’s not enough, not them.
~
Yoochun spends months composing a song towards the end of the year and there’s music sheets littered all over the piano and the couch and the floor and Yoochun’s bed and Hankyung wonders what it is. Yoochun doesn’t show him though, doesn’t even let him near and Hankyung spends his time lounging in his best friend’s room, instead of his boyfriend’s whenever he visits.
Jaejoong just rolls his eyes at Hankyung’s mopey look and shoves him off the bed, telling him to cheer up and be fun, so they can hang like old times. Hankyung stares at Jaejoong and jumps on top of his best friend and there’s screaming and laughing and shouting as Hankyung mercilessly tickles Jaejoong until both of them can’t breathe. They don’t leave the room for hours and the others go without dinner and Yunho finds them curled up on the bed in the morning.
Yoochun lets Hankyung into his room after that.
~
Hankyung is allowed to hear the piece for the first time on his birthday.
It’s breathtaking and there are soft tilts and soaring crescendos all mixed with powerful chords and flowing notes and it’s sad and melancholy at times and passionate and intense at other times and the whole thing fits together like an epic, untold love story of random meetings and missed opportunities and phone calls and new chances and forever.
Hankyung cries and cries and Yoochun wipes away his tears and tells him that he can’t think of a title and they spend the rest of the night hugging and kissing and coming up with names, like they were naming their child.
They fall asleep in a pile of crumpled pages and crossed out lines and there’s a Polaroid on top of the finalized music sheets, of two entwined hands and a title scribbled onto the back of one of the hands.
I think I love you…
~
One day Yoochun takes Hankyung’s hand in the late afternoon as the sun sets and they run through the streets of Seoul again, only this time they’re not running from goons, they’re running from themselves.
They run from their fears and their mistakes and their insecurities and uncertainties. They run from obstacles and rules and an invisible barrier. They run from everything and anything that’s keeping them apart.
They run until they’re breathless and gasping and their lungs heave and their feet hurt. They run until Yoochun pulls Hankyung past the food stall with the good bungeoppang he still haven’t tried yet and into the dark alleyway where they had met all those years ago.
There are no insults or toothpicks or fights this time, only the two of them and the darkness.
Hankyung reaches up and touches the spot where the bruise had long faded and Yoochun puts both hands on either side of Hankyung’s head and kisses him until oxygen had long ran out and there’s something swirling in those eyes.
“Hankyung,” Yoochun whispers into his ear, "Geng..." “I think I love you…” It’s whispered into his neck and Hankyung shivers. The last is whispered into his lips and they don’t part because Hankyung is afraid of letting the beautiful words escape from him.
“…and I don’t ever want to stop.”
~
Hankyung stop trying to find that one word, because they were each other’s and that was all that mattered.
//
end