The Paladin Protocol (2/?)
Title: The Paladin Protocol
Author: SpaceAnJL
Summary: Sheldon Cooper. In armour. With a sword.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Episodes to date, including 'The Bozeman Reaction'
Robert E Howard was from Texas. I'm just sayin', is all....
.
Pt. 1 http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/830557.html
Sheldon takes less than five minutes to turn into a vengeful maniac, striding about, swinging his sword and yelling at people in Klingon.
He fits right in with the rest of the vengeful maniacs bounding around and beating seven kinds of snot out of each other with gleeful abandon. The StormFist War-Guild favour a dynamic method of conflict resolution. The only use for 'rock, paper, scissors' here would be as a club, kindling or stabbing someone. The Army is the human side of the War-Guild. Opposing them are the Horde, who tend to a slightly more undisciplined approach, and a greater incidence of fangs and clubs. But there are swords and short spears and axes and spiked maces aplenty on both sides, and the first order of the day is the melee, just to get nicely warmed up.
Leonard himself has never wielded anything more dangerous than a toy lightsabre, and Howard has arms like pipe-cleaners. They are not suited for this. Surprisingly, Raj gets quite into it. He has acquired a couple of scimitars, and flails away with a will. (Leonard and Howard both think there might be some unresolved Comic-Con issues, from the wild eyes and disjointed mutterings about green skin.)
As for Penny - well, he supposes that there are many men who fantasize about their hot blonde girlfriend in a leather outfit. He's fairly sure that the standard fantasy does not involve the war-axe and the swearing, though. Probably.
“Die, you hellspawn!” Penny screeches, pauses, panting, “Leonard, sweetie, I've wounded this one. Would you like to finish him?”
“No, I'm good, thanks...”
“Watch your back, woman!” Sheldon thunders, catches a descending blade on his, wallops the offender. “Honestly, Leonard. Do try to keep up.”
“It's his first battle, honey...”
“Don't mollycoddle him, Penny. He's going to have to learn to kill on his own.” (Slash, parry.)
Penny bites her lip, as she swings her axe.
“I know, but he looks so tiny in amongst all the big warriors...I worry about him.” (Smack.)
“You have to let him go sometime...” (A particularly vicious overhand blow to finish.)
Penny sighs, nods. Brightens suddenly.
“Oooh, Sheldon, look...Now, Leonard, will you be okay if Sheldon and I go and fight that big demon? Good.” Pats him absently on the shoulder with her free hand, and then charges someone who looks like a grey-green Hellboy-clone. “I'm gonna gut you like a deer, you stump-horned sonovabitch!”
“You engage him from the left, and...Penny, you aren't listening to my carefully judged combat tactics...” The demon takes a swing at her with a spiked mace. “Oh, good lord...Leonard, I have to go and deal with this.”
“Oh, don't mind me...” Leonard says to his retreating back.
War is hell. Particularly if you are a short bespectacled physicist. Deciding that discretion is the better part of valour, he dodges and weaves through the battle, trying desperately not to lose his glasses or his footing. Each side has a 'time out' redoubt, for the 'dead', and despite his nominal live status, Leonard hauls himself over the little barrier, and drops thankfully to the ground.
Howard is already slumped there. Turns a haggard face to him.
“It's like High School all over again. The gauntlet past the lockers...”
“...Phys. Ed class...”
“...being beaten up by the jocks...”
“...being beaten up by the band kids...”
“Leonard, you played the cello...”
“I got beaten up by the chess club, Howard.”
Pause.
“Me, too. And some of those Magic Card guys were mean.”
Penny appears, escorting a twitching Raj, leans over the edge of the barrier.
“Oh, Leonard, sweetie, did you get killed? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you.” Turns to Raj. “Now you just sit quietly with Leonard and Howard for a bit. None of the nasty green thingies can get you in there.”
Raj nods gratefully, hunches in the corner. Penny gives them all another bright smile, and then flings herself enthusiastically back at the fight. Raj huddles, clutching his scimitars.
“Penny has brought us to a place full of crazy dangerous people.”
“Yeah, and one of them is Sheldon.” Howard shudders. “I don't know who scares me more, her or him.”
“Him.” Leonard says flatly. “I'm...reasonably sure that Penny wouldn't try and kill us.”
“She killed me.” Howard says glumly.
“Dude,” Raj points out. “Never tell a barbarian queen that she looks booty-licious.”
“Leonard! Did you manage to get yourself killed?” Sheldon looms over them, looking disapproving. “Really, I can't leave you alone for a moment.”
Leonard glares up.
“This is a bit different to paint-ball, Sheldon.”
“Yes, you are all pitifully unsuited to taking part in actual combat. It is a shame that your modest competence in the virtual realm doesn't extend to the physical world.”
“I thought you were too evolved to mix it up.” Howard snaps.
“It seems that my genetic superiority extends to enhanced dexterity and hand-eye co-ordination. And I do have the advantage of height and strength.” Since he's still holding his broadsword, Howard merely snarls weakly, and plots to kill him in his sleep.
A green-haired woman in neat leather armour jogs up to the redoubt, and looks them over. Focuses on Sheldon.
“Tall scary-ass warrior in the red cloak - you're Sheldor, right? Queen P says 'emergency override, come help her level up, she's saving you an ogre that looks like Kripke.'”
“Ooh, goody.” And Sheldon plunges off.
“It's so cute when couples have a battle-language of their own.” She grins at them. “Well, I'm gonna go kill my husband. Sword ho!”
“What the frack...”
“I don't even wanna know any more.” Leonard puts his head in his hands.
0000000000
The green-haired woman is Penny's friend Beth, and her husband Sven turns out to be huge and scary, with an impressive pair of horns. (“He likes to dress up before we drive here, and grin at folks at the stop-lights.” Beth sighs, fondly.) He's also one of the weapons-makers for the War-Guild, and he checks the weapons for damage in the coffee break. Penny is greeted by the slightly weird sight of a hulking demon with a pair of glasses on his nose, turning the blades over in his large hands and conversing in cultured tones with a tall super-genius in a suit of armour.
“Hello, Penny. Sven has loaned me a longsword.” It's an evil-looking thing, all black, with silver runes running up a slender leaf-shaped blade. “He has sworn to take my skull for a battle-standard, and I have retorted that I will gut his carcase and leave him for the crows.”
“Come and drink your herbal tea first.” (Nobody is giving Sheldon coffee again. Ever.) “I brought your tea-bags from home, and I used bottled water.”
“Thank you, Penny. I have never been convinced of the efficacy of physical combat before, deeming superior intellect sufficient, but there is something viscerally satisfying about this.”
Penny puts that through the filter of 'Sheldon' into English.
“You're having fun beating up the monsters, honey?”
“That is what I implied.” And then he actually smiles at her, a sweet genuine smile, which makes him look about twelve.
She's so used to the way he holds himself in, all small steps and tight shoulders, the legacy of a childhood spent knocking things over with unco-ordinated elbows, always being taller than everyone around him. Now he's striding about, and he's got a flush along his cheekbones and his hair slightly mussed, and he looks...normal.
Apart from the whole heavily-armed warrior thing, of course.
.
.
(a/n - Yes, Sheldon now has a replica of Stormbringer. Other kids had posters of pop stars on their walls. I had Elric. I still maintain that reading 'The Hobbit' at the age of five had no detrimental long-term effects. Your Mileage May Vary...)
Author: SpaceAnJL
Summary: Sheldon Cooper. In armour. With a sword.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Episodes to date, including 'The Bozeman Reaction'
Robert E Howard was from Texas. I'm just sayin', is all....
.
Pt. 1 http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/830557.html
Sheldon takes less than five minutes to turn into a vengeful maniac, striding about, swinging his sword and yelling at people in Klingon.
He fits right in with the rest of the vengeful maniacs bounding around and beating seven kinds of snot out of each other with gleeful abandon. The StormFist War-Guild favour a dynamic method of conflict resolution. The only use for 'rock, paper, scissors' here would be as a club, kindling or stabbing someone. The Army is the human side of the War-Guild. Opposing them are the Horde, who tend to a slightly more undisciplined approach, and a greater incidence of fangs and clubs. But there are swords and short spears and axes and spiked maces aplenty on both sides, and the first order of the day is the melee, just to get nicely warmed up.
Leonard himself has never wielded anything more dangerous than a toy lightsabre, and Howard has arms like pipe-cleaners. They are not suited for this. Surprisingly, Raj gets quite into it. He has acquired a couple of scimitars, and flails away with a will. (Leonard and Howard both think there might be some unresolved Comic-Con issues, from the wild eyes and disjointed mutterings about green skin.)
As for Penny - well, he supposes that there are many men who fantasize about their hot blonde girlfriend in a leather outfit. He's fairly sure that the standard fantasy does not involve the war-axe and the swearing, though. Probably.
“Die, you hellspawn!” Penny screeches, pauses, panting, “Leonard, sweetie, I've wounded this one. Would you like to finish him?”
“No, I'm good, thanks...”
“Watch your back, woman!” Sheldon thunders, catches a descending blade on his, wallops the offender. “Honestly, Leonard. Do try to keep up.”
“It's his first battle, honey...”
“Don't mollycoddle him, Penny. He's going to have to learn to kill on his own.” (Slash, parry.)
Penny bites her lip, as she swings her axe.
“I know, but he looks so tiny in amongst all the big warriors...I worry about him.” (Smack.)
“You have to let him go sometime...” (A particularly vicious overhand blow to finish.)
Penny sighs, nods. Brightens suddenly.
“Oooh, Sheldon, look...Now, Leonard, will you be okay if Sheldon and I go and fight that big demon? Good.” Pats him absently on the shoulder with her free hand, and then charges someone who looks like a grey-green Hellboy-clone. “I'm gonna gut you like a deer, you stump-horned sonovabitch!”
“You engage him from the left, and...Penny, you aren't listening to my carefully judged combat tactics...” The demon takes a swing at her with a spiked mace. “Oh, good lord...Leonard, I have to go and deal with this.”
“Oh, don't mind me...” Leonard says to his retreating back.
War is hell. Particularly if you are a short bespectacled physicist. Deciding that discretion is the better part of valour, he dodges and weaves through the battle, trying desperately not to lose his glasses or his footing. Each side has a 'time out' redoubt, for the 'dead', and despite his nominal live status, Leonard hauls himself over the little barrier, and drops thankfully to the ground.
Howard is already slumped there. Turns a haggard face to him.
“It's like High School all over again. The gauntlet past the lockers...”
“...Phys. Ed class...”
“...being beaten up by the jocks...”
“...being beaten up by the band kids...”
“Leonard, you played the cello...”
“I got beaten up by the chess club, Howard.”
Pause.
“Me, too. And some of those Magic Card guys were mean.”
Penny appears, escorting a twitching Raj, leans over the edge of the barrier.
“Oh, Leonard, sweetie, did you get killed? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you.” Turns to Raj. “Now you just sit quietly with Leonard and Howard for a bit. None of the nasty green thingies can get you in there.”
Raj nods gratefully, hunches in the corner. Penny gives them all another bright smile, and then flings herself enthusiastically back at the fight. Raj huddles, clutching his scimitars.
“Penny has brought us to a place full of crazy dangerous people.”
“Yeah, and one of them is Sheldon.” Howard shudders. “I don't know who scares me more, her or him.”
“Him.” Leonard says flatly. “I'm...reasonably sure that Penny wouldn't try and kill us.”
“She killed me.” Howard says glumly.
“Dude,” Raj points out. “Never tell a barbarian queen that she looks booty-licious.”
“Leonard! Did you manage to get yourself killed?” Sheldon looms over them, looking disapproving. “Really, I can't leave you alone for a moment.”
Leonard glares up.
“This is a bit different to paint-ball, Sheldon.”
“Yes, you are all pitifully unsuited to taking part in actual combat. It is a shame that your modest competence in the virtual realm doesn't extend to the physical world.”
“I thought you were too evolved to mix it up.” Howard snaps.
“It seems that my genetic superiority extends to enhanced dexterity and hand-eye co-ordination. And I do have the advantage of height and strength.” Since he's still holding his broadsword, Howard merely snarls weakly, and plots to kill him in his sleep.
A green-haired woman in neat leather armour jogs up to the redoubt, and looks them over. Focuses on Sheldon.
“Tall scary-ass warrior in the red cloak - you're Sheldor, right? Queen P says 'emergency override, come help her level up, she's saving you an ogre that looks like Kripke.'”
“Ooh, goody.” And Sheldon plunges off.
“It's so cute when couples have a battle-language of their own.” She grins at them. “Well, I'm gonna go kill my husband. Sword ho!”
“What the frack...”
“I don't even wanna know any more.” Leonard puts his head in his hands.
0000000000
The green-haired woman is Penny's friend Beth, and her husband Sven turns out to be huge and scary, with an impressive pair of horns. (“He likes to dress up before we drive here, and grin at folks at the stop-lights.” Beth sighs, fondly.) He's also one of the weapons-makers for the War-Guild, and he checks the weapons for damage in the coffee break. Penny is greeted by the slightly weird sight of a hulking demon with a pair of glasses on his nose, turning the blades over in his large hands and conversing in cultured tones with a tall super-genius in a suit of armour.
“Hello, Penny. Sven has loaned me a longsword.” It's an evil-looking thing, all black, with silver runes running up a slender leaf-shaped blade. “He has sworn to take my skull for a battle-standard, and I have retorted that I will gut his carcase and leave him for the crows.”
“Come and drink your herbal tea first.” (Nobody is giving Sheldon coffee again. Ever.) “I brought your tea-bags from home, and I used bottled water.”
“Thank you, Penny. I have never been convinced of the efficacy of physical combat before, deeming superior intellect sufficient, but there is something viscerally satisfying about this.”
Penny puts that through the filter of 'Sheldon' into English.
“You're having fun beating up the monsters, honey?”
“That is what I implied.” And then he actually smiles at her, a sweet genuine smile, which makes him look about twelve.
She's so used to the way he holds himself in, all small steps and tight shoulders, the legacy of a childhood spent knocking things over with unco-ordinated elbows, always being taller than everyone around him. Now he's striding about, and he's got a flush along his cheekbones and his hair slightly mussed, and he looks...normal.
Apart from the whole heavily-armed warrior thing, of course.
.
.
(a/n - Yes, Sheldon now has a replica of Stormbringer. Other kids had posters of pop stars on their walls. I had Elric. I still maintain that reading 'The Hobbit' at the age of five had no detrimental long-term effects. Your Mileage May Vary...)