Fic: The Vartabedian Substitution
Title: The Vartabedian Substitution or: The Measure of a Man(‘s Upper Body Strength)
Author: eerie_descent
Spoilers: Perhaps a ridiculously tiny one for The Precious Fragmentation, but it's more of a reference and doesn't really spoil anything.
Rating/Warnings: G, no warnings.
Word Count: ~ 3,700
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: What would Mrs. Vartabedian do?
Notes: My first Big Bang fic. My first written het, even if nothing sexy actually happens. Also I’m new to the fandom, so please to be being nice to me. It's set in an AU season 3 in which Leonard and Penny are amicably broken up or never got together in the first place. Because that's how we roll in the Shire.
“But Leonard’s the muscle!”
“What?”
“I’m the smart one. I can’t be the smart one and be the muscle, Penny. It just isn’t done.”
“Well buck up, smartypants, ‘cause it’s anything can happen Thursday and I can’t do this by myself.”
“But I don’t want to.” Sheldon said sullenly, his slight accent running the words together.
“Well fine!” Penny threw her hands up and crouched down beside the box, wrapping her arms awkwardly around the bulky package.
“You really shouldn’t do that without a back brace.” Sheldon told her. She glared back. He edged away from her but was unable to keep silent as she struggled to stand. “Lift with your knees.”
“Sheldon!”
“What?”
She had her mouth open around a threat of castration but it quickly turned into a squeak of pain. The box tumbled back to the ground and Penny followed it gracelessly. She rolled flat and winced, groaning deep in her chest.
“Are you alright?” Sheldon asked, shuffling forward ever-so-slightly.
“No, Sheldon, I’m not.” Penny said tiredly.
“D’you want to borrow my back brace?”
“Just help me up, would you?”
“Oh alright.” He tucked his mail into his satchel and stepped close enough to extend a hand down. She wrapped her fingers tightly around his wrist and began to pull herself up.
“Ow ow ow!” She let go quickly and curled up onto her side.
“What’s wrong?” Sheldon asked, pulling has hand back and fiddling with the strap of his satchel.
“I hurt my back, Sheldon, that’s what’s wrong.”
“Don’t yell at me. I told you to wear a back brace.”
Penny groaned and thumped her head against the lobby floor.
Sheldon peered down at her, worried. “Do you require medical assistance? Should I call an ambulance?”
“I don’t need an ambulance; I just need to lay down.”
“You need to lie down.” Sheldon corrected. “And you’re already lying down.”
Penny rolled her eyes. “You know what, Sheldon? You can just go ahead and leave me here. Go on.” She flapped a hand at him. “I’m sure when Mrs. Vartabedian gets home she won’t mind helping me up the stairs.”
Sheldon eyed her warily.
“She would have helped me with the package to begin with.”
He squinted down at her, left eye twitching.
“Yup. If Mrs. Vartabedian were here, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place.”
Sheldon’s suspicions were confirmed. “You’re trying to guilt me into helping you, aren’t you?”
“What gave it away?”
“It took me a while to recognize it. When my mother employs the “Guilt Trip” she uses Jesus as the character I fail to measure up to, not Mrs. Vartabedian.”
“Does she now?” Penny muttered flatly.
Sheldon nodded.
“Sheldon?”
“Yes, Penny?”
“Jesus would definitely carry me up the stairs.”
Sheldon huffed out a sigh and turned to leave. Penny watched him disappear up the stairwell with dull eyes and rolled slowly onto her back. She stared at the ceiling. There was a cobweb in the Northeast corner. She’d have to point it out to Sheldon later.
She was scrolling through the contacts on her phone, trying to figure out who, (besides Leonard) would actually come to help her if she called when Sheldon returned. He’d lost his satchel and had the bottoms of his orange thermal and Superman shirt tucked between his chin and his chest. She watched silently as he fastened the back brace tightly around the outside of his white undershirt. He tugged his outer shirts back into place and looked down at her speculatively. She stared up at him.
“You came back.”
“Of course I came back.” He gave her an exasperated look and shook his head slightly. Moving forward slightly he contemplated her for a moment. “How much do you weigh?” he asked, circling around her as if searching for the best angle of attack. She raised an eyebrow and continued to stare.
Rolling his eyes and crouching down beside her, he sighed. “Well don’t get mad at me if I can’t do it.”
“I’m not going to get mad at you, sweetie.” Penny softened marginally as she planted her feet flat on the ground to allow him to snake an arm under her knees. “At least you’re trying.” Sitting up painfully, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held tightly to her own wrist.
“Ready?” he asked, adjusting his stance slightly and clearly making last-minute calculations in his head.
She smiled brightly. “Lift with your knees!”
“The key to carrying any heavy load is to keep the bulk of the weight as close to your body as possible.” Sheldon was explaining as he crouched beside Penny’s bed and set her down gently.
“Sheldon, sweetie?”
“Yes?”
“Did you just call me a heavy load?”
“…Not directly, no.”
“Not directly.”
“I have to go get your package, now.”
“You do that.”
“Those look heavy.” Sheldon stated, unfolding himself and stepping out of Leonard’s car as Penny used her elbow to shut the trunk of her own. She shifted the paper bags in her arms.
“They are, kinda. Lotsa cans.”
Sheldon hesitated for a brief moment before leaning forward and snatching them from her grip. “Let me take them.” He turned and marched towards the building’s entrance.
Leonard stared after him. “What was that about?”
Penny shrugged and readjusted the strap of her purse against her shoulder. “I guess he’d rather carry my bags up the stairs than risk having to carry me up again.” She watched Sheldon back into the glass door and slip into the lobby. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so much ice cream.” Looking down at her thighs dubiously, she began to follow Sheldon’s path to the door.
Leonard shook his head and jogged to catch up. “Wait! What do you mean again?”
“You’re talking about Sheldon?” Leonard asked again, “Our Sheldon?”
Penny sighed. “Yes, I’m talking about ‘our’ Sheldon.”
“Why are you talking about your Sheldon?” Sheldon asked, waiting patiently by Penny’s door.
“You carried her up the stairs?” Leonard asked.
“Well Mrs. Vartabedian certainly wasn’t going to do it.” Sheldon told him, following Penny inside her apartment once she’d unlocked the door.
“Thank you for bringing those up. You can just set them on the counter.” Penny tossed her keys on the bookshelf by the door and tugged off her sweater. Sheldon clutched the bags tighter to his chest. Penny raised an eyebrow, “What’s wrong?”
“There are cans.” He said, peering into a bag.
“Yeah?” Penny ducked into her room to change out of her uniform
“Your cans go on the top shelf.”
“What’s your point?” She yelled through her bedroom door.
Sheldon sent a frustrated look towards her bedroom and headed towards the kitchen. “You could strain your back!” He explained loudly. “I’ll do it.” He pulled the ice cream out of the first bag and found a space for it in the freezer.
“Sheldon, you don’t have to put my groceries away.” Penny’s voice emanated from beyond the closed door.
Sheldon gave a disbelieving laugh as he shelved the Spaghetti-Os. “Well I doubt very much Leonard could reach the top shelf.”
“I have a foot stool.” Leonard said defensively, edging towards the kitchen and looking up at the height of the top shelf.
“Good.” Sheldon said, turning around, “You can let Penny borrow it for when she needs to get the cans back down.”
“I don’t need a foot stool!” She hollered, yanking the door open. “Sheldon, sweetie,” She began again, softer, “I appreciate everything you’re doing, but I’m fine. My back is much better, see?” She lifted her elbows and twisted her upper body from side to side.
Wincing, Sheldon set a can down on the counter harder than necessary. “Don’t do that!”
“Relax!” She laughed, dropping her arms. “You’re not going to have to carry this heavy load up the stairs again anytime soon, I promise.”
“Penny,” Sheldon said, shoulders slumped and voice disappointed. “I don’t mind carrying weighty objects up the stairs. We’ve already established that I am capable of doing so without injuring myself. I simply do not wish to have to carry you up the stairs.” He raised his eyebrows at her, as if daring her to comprehend what he was saying, and then turned once more to the cabinet. Leonard was standing by it, holding a can of creamed corn and looking contemplatively at the top shelf.
“Aww, Sheldon, you don’t like it when I get hurt!” Penny exclaimed, grinning at him.
“Of course I dislike it when you injure yourself, Penny; we’re friends.” He answered without turning around. She gave herself a happy little hug and moved to sit down on her couch. Sheldon continued, spinning to face her briefly for the airquotes, “And as your “friend” I am obligated as per our social contract to come check on you when you’re injured and ascertain whether or not you need anything and then provide that thing if I am able. It’s much more convenient for me to prevent you from becoming impaired in the first place.”
“Oh.” Penny slouched back against the couch cushions. “How sweet.”
He looked over and gave her one of his genuine, crooked smiles. “Why thank you,” he said, pleased, “I try.”
Leonard, who was standing on his tip-toes and trying to nudge the corn up next to the other cans, lost his balance and pulled the whole shelf down, crumpling beneath the onslaught of Campbell’s soup and Chef Boyardee.
“I’m okay.” He said weakly, once the avalanche had ended, feebly attempting a wave.
Sheldon was the first of the boys to the fourth floor, a plastic takeout bag dangling delicately from the fingers of his left hand. He had left Howard, Raj and Leonard arguing in the lobby about Leonard’s new laser and whether or not Howard could reheat leftover brisket with it. He was distracted from withdrawing his keys from his coat pocket by a conversation between Penny and a man he’d never seen before. He turned towards them in time to see her pull her arm from his too-tight grasp.
“No, you listen, buster. You don’t get to touch me unless I say, and I definitely don’t say.”
Sheldon watched, eyes wide, as the man took a step into her personal space and she shoved hard at his chest.
There was a moment of quiet following the crack of the man’s palm across Penny’s cheek, a split-second of silence broken by the sound of a plastic bag full of Thai food containers hitting the ground.
“You don’t hit Penny.” Sheldon ground out, looking up at a slight angle into the man’s startled eyes. The man’s cheeks bloomed an unflattering red, whether from embarrassment or Sheldon’s fingers digging into his neck, it was hard to say. He was pressed flat against the wall beside Penny’s door, both hands wrapped around one of Sheldon’s thin wrists, toes of both loafers barely scraping the hall carpet. Sheldon decided his previous statement was too ambiguous. “No one hits Penny.”
The man gurgled angrily. Sheldon continued to glare.
“Sheldon!” Penny exclaimed.
The physicist turned to Penny. “Yes?”
“Sheldon, honey, let him go; he’s turning purple.”
Sheldon turned back and seemed to finally realize what he was doing. His arm buckled and he stumbled back as the other man’s feet dropped flat to the floor. He was gazing in astonishment at his own hands when the fist connected with his mouth. Sheldon went down hard.
It had been a long time since he’d tasted blood, but the tang was still familiar. Running a tongue over the split in his lip, Sheldon stared up at the man and processed the pain throbbing through his coccyx.
“Dude, what the hell?” Raj exclaimed at the tableau laid out before him. When he noticed Penny he yelped slightly.
“What’s going on?” Howard asked, pushing Raj up one more step and then taking in the sight for himself.
“He hit Sheldon!” Penny pointed at the man as Leonard, too, came into sight.
All three of the newcomers turned their gazes to Sheldon, who also pointed at the man. “He hit Penny.”
The man, still red in the face and snarling slightly, began to look nervous.
“So you like to hit geeks.” Howard drawled from behind Raj, looking the man up and down. “And when that’s not enough, you big yourself up by hitting women, too.” He smiled and raised his eyebrows. “You are such a badass.”
Raj nodded and leaned back slightly to whisper in Howard’s ear as Leonard and Penny moved to help Sheldon up.
“My friend here wants to know if you’re always such a douche or if today is just a special occasion.”
Raj cocked his shoulders and made a ‘What?’ gesture with his hands, but tensed when the man made as if he were going to charge them.
Penny cut him off. “Seriously, Rick?” she looked at him, incredulous. “You’re really going to start something? It’s five against one, and I don’t know about these guys, but I could kick your ass all by myself. I might even let them experiment on you when I’m finished.”
“We have lasers.” Leonard said, raising his chin defiantly. “And Sheldon’s been making some interesting adjustments to his death ray.”
Sheldon turned to Leonard, a puzzled look on his face, but Leonard cut him off with an elbow to the side and a whispered, “Just nod and smile, Sheldon, kill Batman.”
Sheldon’s artificial smile, a truly grotesque sight with blood smeared across his teeth, followed Rick as he retreated down the stairs.
“Well that was weird.” Howard announced once Rick was safely out of sight. Raj nodded in agreement. “I mean, I understand why he’d want to hurt Sheldon, but why’d he go after you?” he asked Penny.
“Penny refused his advances.” Sheldon answered for her, probing gingerly at his busted lip. “That smile exacerbated my injury, Leonard. I don’t understand why I had to do that.”
Leonard rolled his eyes.
“Are you okay, Sweetie?” Penny gently took hold of his chin and he leaned down obligingly, allowing her a closer look.
“It’s fine.” He said dismissively, looking past her to the take-out on the floor. “I don’t know if I can say the same about my mee krob.” His eyes shifted suddenly to the angry red splotch on Penny’s left cheek. “What about you?”
“I’m okay.”
“So,” Leonard began hesitantly as he unlocked the door and stepped over Howard, who had crouched down to inspect the fallen Thai food, “What exactly happened? Who was that guy?”
Penny snorted. “That was my date, unfortunately. He was much less violent when he asked me out. You guys got enough food for one more?” Penny brushed the pad of her thumb across the corner of Sheldon’s mouth as she lowered her hand.
“You may have some of mine. It’s unlikely that I’ll be able to consume it all in my present state.” Sheldon said, straightening his shirts nervously.
She looked at him quizzically.
“My lip hurts.” He explained as he edged around Howard, Raj and their identical bewildered expressions, and headed into the apartment.
“Ohhh.” Penny nodded in understanding and followed him, grabbing the food from Howard as she did.
Penny stomped into 4A and plopped dourly onto the middle cushion of the couch. Sheldon paused his game and turned to her calmly. “Hello.”
“Hi.” Penny responded, voice low and inflectionless. She stared at the dark television, perfectly manicured brows drawn together in a pissy-looking frown.
Sheldon took it all in and set the laptop on the coffee table. He turned back to her, twisting his body to angle towards her slightly, and folded his hands in his lap. “How’d the audition go?”
She swallowed, frown still in place, and flicked her eyes towards him.
Sheldon waited for a verbal response, but when it became obvious that none was forthcoming he licked his lips and then drew the bottom one between his teeth, carefully avoiding the healing scab. He narrowed his eyes as he studied her. After a few moments he hazarded his guess. “You didn’t get the part.” He leaned forward slightly, awaiting confirmation.
“No, Sheldon.” Penny sighed and the frown fell away, leaving a dejected look in its wake. Looking at her hands, she continued in a small voice. “I didn’t get the part.”
He gave a brief victory smile at his accurate inference, then resumed his examination. “Well did they tell you why?” He asked, turning even further towards her.
She looked up at him, the misery written on her features quickly being replaced with annoyance. “Why?”
“Yes. Why. Was there perhaps a line of dialogue you were unsuccessful at articulating correctly? Some emotion you failed to convey? Were you once more too “Midwest” for the part?” He paused shortly, “Did you get nervous and hyperventilate until you lost consciousness? Because that can happen, you know, and it’s not your fault.”
Penny, having given up on her anger halfway through his questions just shook her head and gave him a slight, tired smile. “I didn’t pass out. I didn’t mess up. I wasn’t even too Scandinavian this time.”
Sheldon raised his eyebrows, curious.
“This time,” she dropped her gaze from his and once more inspected her hands. “This time they said I just wasn’t pretty enough.”
Sheldon was silent for a beat, before snorting derisively. “That’s absurd.” He dismissed. “Anyone with a functioning brain and adequate eyesight would be able to see that you’re exceptionally attractive. No, that’s not it.” He gazed at her and tapped one long index finger against his chin. “Are you certain it wasn’t something you did?”
“You know what, Sheldon?” Penny stood and looked down at her neighbor. “You are the most infuriating person I know.”
Sheldon watched her warily for signs of anger, though there were no dangerous inflections in her voice. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re the only person I’ve ever known who can make me want to kiss you and kick you at the same time.”
Sheldon crossed his legs and angled his knees away from her.
“But then it turns out I can’t do either of those things because you don’t even realize you’re doing it.”
“Doing what?”
“Exactly!”
“I don’t understand.”
“Why are you so anxious to figure out the reason I didn’t get the part?”
“To improve your chances at the next audition you must first know what went wrong at the previous one.”
“See! See, now that, on the face of it, is sweet. You’re trying to help me improve my chances.”
Sheldon remained silent, watching with wide eyes as Penny began to pace on the other side of the coffee table.
“But,” she held up a finger. “Why do you want me to nail the next audition?”
“So you can finally get a paid acting job.” He answered.
“Aha! And why do you want that?”
“Because you’ve wanted to be an actress ever since you were twelve years old and you saw a production of Guys and Dolls at the Orpheum Theater. Your Aunt Arabelle took you in your new blue dress and your father was furious because you skipped softball practice.”
Penny opened her mouth to reply but shut it again before she could make a sound. She looked at Sheldon, slightly confused. “When did I- Never mind. Are there any other reasons why you want me to get an acting gig?”
Sheldon hesitated slightly. “It would supplement your current income, allowing you more financial freedom. You could come over to eat more often instead of having leftovers at the Cheesecake Factory.”
“Really? Those are your reasons?” At Sheldon’s nod Penny deflated and once more flopped down onto the couch. “I thought you were gonna say like, an acting job would increase my serotonin levels and make me a more pleasant person to be around so your stress levels would decline and your productivity would increase, bringing you that much closer to the Nobel prize, or something.”
Sheldon’s eyes lit up. “Oh I hadn’t thought of that. What an excellent idea. You may certainly add that to your list.”
Penny sighed and flicked her hands up into the hair. “And now I can’t even be mad ‘cause I totally started it.”
“Penny.”
“Yes, Sheldon?”
“You’re very confusing.”
“Thanks.”
“Have I said something to upset you?”
“Sort of.”
“Would you please let me know what it was so that I may adjust my speech accordingly in the future?”
“Sheldon, it’s a thousand things.”
He looked shocked. “A thou- This has been going on for some time! Penny, why didn’t you tell me? How am I ever going to understand acceptable social behaviors if no one corrects me when I do something wrong?”
Penny looked at him, tilting her head down and raising her eyebrows. “You’re really asking me to correct you more often?”
Sheldon pondered that for a moment. “I see your point.”
“And besides, half the time you’re not doing it wrong, you’re just not doing it at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you have about zero tact. So that means you have a tendency to point out the bad things about a person without thinking about how it makes them feel. But it also means that when you point out the good things you’re being totally sincere, and that’s a really good feeling.”
“I don’t try to hurt people’s feelings.”
“Trust me, I know. That’s pretty much the only reason you’re still alive right now.”
“But how am I to know what some people would think of as good or bad traits?”
“I don’t know, Sheldon. That’s something you’re gonna have to figure out on your own, I guess.” Penny leaned back into the couch and watched as he contemplated this new information.
Sheldon sighed and twisted his lips up, gaze wandering as he thought.
A short time later he turned to her, smiling faintly, “I suppose I could always ask Mrs. Vartabedian. I’m told she’s somewhat of a moral standard around these parts.”
~The End~
Thanks for reading ♥
Author: eerie_descent
Spoilers: Perhaps a ridiculously tiny one for The Precious Fragmentation, but it's more of a reference and doesn't really spoil anything.
Rating/Warnings: G, no warnings.
Word Count: ~ 3,700
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: What would Mrs. Vartabedian do?
Notes: My first Big Bang fic. My first written het, even if nothing sexy actually happens. Also I’m new to the fandom, so please to be being nice to me. It's set in an AU season 3 in which Leonard and Penny are amicably broken up or never got together in the first place. Because that's how we roll in the Shire.
“But Leonard’s the muscle!”
“What?”
“I’m the smart one. I can’t be the smart one and be the muscle, Penny. It just isn’t done.”
“Well buck up, smartypants, ‘cause it’s anything can happen Thursday and I can’t do this by myself.”
“But I don’t want to.” Sheldon said sullenly, his slight accent running the words together.
“Well fine!” Penny threw her hands up and crouched down beside the box, wrapping her arms awkwardly around the bulky package.
“You really shouldn’t do that without a back brace.” Sheldon told her. She glared back. He edged away from her but was unable to keep silent as she struggled to stand. “Lift with your knees.”
“Sheldon!”
“What?”
She had her mouth open around a threat of castration but it quickly turned into a squeak of pain. The box tumbled back to the ground and Penny followed it gracelessly. She rolled flat and winced, groaning deep in her chest.
“Are you alright?” Sheldon asked, shuffling forward ever-so-slightly.
“No, Sheldon, I’m not.” Penny said tiredly.
“D’you want to borrow my back brace?”
“Just help me up, would you?”
“Oh alright.” He tucked his mail into his satchel and stepped close enough to extend a hand down. She wrapped her fingers tightly around his wrist and began to pull herself up.
“Ow ow ow!” She let go quickly and curled up onto her side.
“What’s wrong?” Sheldon asked, pulling has hand back and fiddling with the strap of his satchel.
“I hurt my back, Sheldon, that’s what’s wrong.”
“Don’t yell at me. I told you to wear a back brace.”
Penny groaned and thumped her head against the lobby floor.
Sheldon peered down at her, worried. “Do you require medical assistance? Should I call an ambulance?”
“I don’t need an ambulance; I just need to lay down.”
“You need to lie down.” Sheldon corrected. “And you’re already lying down.”
Penny rolled her eyes. “You know what, Sheldon? You can just go ahead and leave me here. Go on.” She flapped a hand at him. “I’m sure when Mrs. Vartabedian gets home she won’t mind helping me up the stairs.”
Sheldon eyed her warily.
“She would have helped me with the package to begin with.”
He squinted down at her, left eye twitching.
“Yup. If Mrs. Vartabedian were here, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place.”
Sheldon’s suspicions were confirmed. “You’re trying to guilt me into helping you, aren’t you?”
“What gave it away?”
“It took me a while to recognize it. When my mother employs the “Guilt Trip” she uses Jesus as the character I fail to measure up to, not Mrs. Vartabedian.”
“Does she now?” Penny muttered flatly.
Sheldon nodded.
“Sheldon?”
“Yes, Penny?”
“Jesus would definitely carry me up the stairs.”
Sheldon huffed out a sigh and turned to leave. Penny watched him disappear up the stairwell with dull eyes and rolled slowly onto her back. She stared at the ceiling. There was a cobweb in the Northeast corner. She’d have to point it out to Sheldon later.
She was scrolling through the contacts on her phone, trying to figure out who, (besides Leonard) would actually come to help her if she called when Sheldon returned. He’d lost his satchel and had the bottoms of his orange thermal and Superman shirt tucked between his chin and his chest. She watched silently as he fastened the back brace tightly around the outside of his white undershirt. He tugged his outer shirts back into place and looked down at her speculatively. She stared up at him.
“You came back.”
“Of course I came back.” He gave her an exasperated look and shook his head slightly. Moving forward slightly he contemplated her for a moment. “How much do you weigh?” he asked, circling around her as if searching for the best angle of attack. She raised an eyebrow and continued to stare.
Rolling his eyes and crouching down beside her, he sighed. “Well don’t get mad at me if I can’t do it.”
“I’m not going to get mad at you, sweetie.” Penny softened marginally as she planted her feet flat on the ground to allow him to snake an arm under her knees. “At least you’re trying.” Sitting up painfully, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held tightly to her own wrist.
“Ready?” he asked, adjusting his stance slightly and clearly making last-minute calculations in his head.
She smiled brightly. “Lift with your knees!”
“The key to carrying any heavy load is to keep the bulk of the weight as close to your body as possible.” Sheldon was explaining as he crouched beside Penny’s bed and set her down gently.
“Sheldon, sweetie?”
“Yes?”
“Did you just call me a heavy load?”
“…Not directly, no.”
“Not directly.”
“I have to go get your package, now.”
“You do that.”
“Those look heavy.” Sheldon stated, unfolding himself and stepping out of Leonard’s car as Penny used her elbow to shut the trunk of her own. She shifted the paper bags in her arms.
“They are, kinda. Lotsa cans.”
Sheldon hesitated for a brief moment before leaning forward and snatching them from her grip. “Let me take them.” He turned and marched towards the building’s entrance.
Leonard stared after him. “What was that about?”
Penny shrugged and readjusted the strap of her purse against her shoulder. “I guess he’d rather carry my bags up the stairs than risk having to carry me up again.” She watched Sheldon back into the glass door and slip into the lobby. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so much ice cream.” Looking down at her thighs dubiously, she began to follow Sheldon’s path to the door.
Leonard shook his head and jogged to catch up. “Wait! What do you mean again?”
“You’re talking about Sheldon?” Leonard asked again, “Our Sheldon?”
Penny sighed. “Yes, I’m talking about ‘our’ Sheldon.”
“Why are you talking about your Sheldon?” Sheldon asked, waiting patiently by Penny’s door.
“You carried her up the stairs?” Leonard asked.
“Well Mrs. Vartabedian certainly wasn’t going to do it.” Sheldon told him, following Penny inside her apartment once she’d unlocked the door.
“Thank you for bringing those up. You can just set them on the counter.” Penny tossed her keys on the bookshelf by the door and tugged off her sweater. Sheldon clutched the bags tighter to his chest. Penny raised an eyebrow, “What’s wrong?”
“There are cans.” He said, peering into a bag.
“Yeah?” Penny ducked into her room to change out of her uniform
“Your cans go on the top shelf.”
“What’s your point?” She yelled through her bedroom door.
Sheldon sent a frustrated look towards her bedroom and headed towards the kitchen. “You could strain your back!” He explained loudly. “I’ll do it.” He pulled the ice cream out of the first bag and found a space for it in the freezer.
“Sheldon, you don’t have to put my groceries away.” Penny’s voice emanated from beyond the closed door.
Sheldon gave a disbelieving laugh as he shelved the Spaghetti-Os. “Well I doubt very much Leonard could reach the top shelf.”
“I have a foot stool.” Leonard said defensively, edging towards the kitchen and looking up at the height of the top shelf.
“Good.” Sheldon said, turning around, “You can let Penny borrow it for when she needs to get the cans back down.”
“I don’t need a foot stool!” She hollered, yanking the door open. “Sheldon, sweetie,” She began again, softer, “I appreciate everything you’re doing, but I’m fine. My back is much better, see?” She lifted her elbows and twisted her upper body from side to side.
Wincing, Sheldon set a can down on the counter harder than necessary. “Don’t do that!”
“Relax!” She laughed, dropping her arms. “You’re not going to have to carry this heavy load up the stairs again anytime soon, I promise.”
“Penny,” Sheldon said, shoulders slumped and voice disappointed. “I don’t mind carrying weighty objects up the stairs. We’ve already established that I am capable of doing so without injuring myself. I simply do not wish to have to carry you up the stairs.” He raised his eyebrows at her, as if daring her to comprehend what he was saying, and then turned once more to the cabinet. Leonard was standing by it, holding a can of creamed corn and looking contemplatively at the top shelf.
“Aww, Sheldon, you don’t like it when I get hurt!” Penny exclaimed, grinning at him.
“Of course I dislike it when you injure yourself, Penny; we’re friends.” He answered without turning around. She gave herself a happy little hug and moved to sit down on her couch. Sheldon continued, spinning to face her briefly for the airquotes, “And as your “friend” I am obligated as per our social contract to come check on you when you’re injured and ascertain whether or not you need anything and then provide that thing if I am able. It’s much more convenient for me to prevent you from becoming impaired in the first place.”
“Oh.” Penny slouched back against the couch cushions. “How sweet.”
He looked over and gave her one of his genuine, crooked smiles. “Why thank you,” he said, pleased, “I try.”
Leonard, who was standing on his tip-toes and trying to nudge the corn up next to the other cans, lost his balance and pulled the whole shelf down, crumpling beneath the onslaught of Campbell’s soup and Chef Boyardee.
“I’m okay.” He said weakly, once the avalanche had ended, feebly attempting a wave.
Sheldon was the first of the boys to the fourth floor, a plastic takeout bag dangling delicately from the fingers of his left hand. He had left Howard, Raj and Leonard arguing in the lobby about Leonard’s new laser and whether or not Howard could reheat leftover brisket with it. He was distracted from withdrawing his keys from his coat pocket by a conversation between Penny and a man he’d never seen before. He turned towards them in time to see her pull her arm from his too-tight grasp.
“No, you listen, buster. You don’t get to touch me unless I say, and I definitely don’t say.”
Sheldon watched, eyes wide, as the man took a step into her personal space and she shoved hard at his chest.
There was a moment of quiet following the crack of the man’s palm across Penny’s cheek, a split-second of silence broken by the sound of a plastic bag full of Thai food containers hitting the ground.
“You don’t hit Penny.” Sheldon ground out, looking up at a slight angle into the man’s startled eyes. The man’s cheeks bloomed an unflattering red, whether from embarrassment or Sheldon’s fingers digging into his neck, it was hard to say. He was pressed flat against the wall beside Penny’s door, both hands wrapped around one of Sheldon’s thin wrists, toes of both loafers barely scraping the hall carpet. Sheldon decided his previous statement was too ambiguous. “No one hits Penny.”
The man gurgled angrily. Sheldon continued to glare.
“Sheldon!” Penny exclaimed.
The physicist turned to Penny. “Yes?”
“Sheldon, honey, let him go; he’s turning purple.”
Sheldon turned back and seemed to finally realize what he was doing. His arm buckled and he stumbled back as the other man’s feet dropped flat to the floor. He was gazing in astonishment at his own hands when the fist connected with his mouth. Sheldon went down hard.
It had been a long time since he’d tasted blood, but the tang was still familiar. Running a tongue over the split in his lip, Sheldon stared up at the man and processed the pain throbbing through his coccyx.
“Dude, what the hell?” Raj exclaimed at the tableau laid out before him. When he noticed Penny he yelped slightly.
“What’s going on?” Howard asked, pushing Raj up one more step and then taking in the sight for himself.
“He hit Sheldon!” Penny pointed at the man as Leonard, too, came into sight.
All three of the newcomers turned their gazes to Sheldon, who also pointed at the man. “He hit Penny.”
The man, still red in the face and snarling slightly, began to look nervous.
“So you like to hit geeks.” Howard drawled from behind Raj, looking the man up and down. “And when that’s not enough, you big yourself up by hitting women, too.” He smiled and raised his eyebrows. “You are such a badass.”
Raj nodded and leaned back slightly to whisper in Howard’s ear as Leonard and Penny moved to help Sheldon up.
“My friend here wants to know if you’re always such a douche or if today is just a special occasion.”
Raj cocked his shoulders and made a ‘What?’ gesture with his hands, but tensed when the man made as if he were going to charge them.
Penny cut him off. “Seriously, Rick?” she looked at him, incredulous. “You’re really going to start something? It’s five against one, and I don’t know about these guys, but I could kick your ass all by myself. I might even let them experiment on you when I’m finished.”
“We have lasers.” Leonard said, raising his chin defiantly. “And Sheldon’s been making some interesting adjustments to his death ray.”
Sheldon turned to Leonard, a puzzled look on his face, but Leonard cut him off with an elbow to the side and a whispered, “Just nod and smile, Sheldon, kill Batman.”
Sheldon’s artificial smile, a truly grotesque sight with blood smeared across his teeth, followed Rick as he retreated down the stairs.
“Well that was weird.” Howard announced once Rick was safely out of sight. Raj nodded in agreement. “I mean, I understand why he’d want to hurt Sheldon, but why’d he go after you?” he asked Penny.
“Penny refused his advances.” Sheldon answered for her, probing gingerly at his busted lip. “That smile exacerbated my injury, Leonard. I don’t understand why I had to do that.”
Leonard rolled his eyes.
“Are you okay, Sweetie?” Penny gently took hold of his chin and he leaned down obligingly, allowing her a closer look.
“It’s fine.” He said dismissively, looking past her to the take-out on the floor. “I don’t know if I can say the same about my mee krob.” His eyes shifted suddenly to the angry red splotch on Penny’s left cheek. “What about you?”
“I’m okay.”
“So,” Leonard began hesitantly as he unlocked the door and stepped over Howard, who had crouched down to inspect the fallen Thai food, “What exactly happened? Who was that guy?”
Penny snorted. “That was my date, unfortunately. He was much less violent when he asked me out. You guys got enough food for one more?” Penny brushed the pad of her thumb across the corner of Sheldon’s mouth as she lowered her hand.
“You may have some of mine. It’s unlikely that I’ll be able to consume it all in my present state.” Sheldon said, straightening his shirts nervously.
She looked at him quizzically.
“My lip hurts.” He explained as he edged around Howard, Raj and their identical bewildered expressions, and headed into the apartment.
“Ohhh.” Penny nodded in understanding and followed him, grabbing the food from Howard as she did.
Penny stomped into 4A and plopped dourly onto the middle cushion of the couch. Sheldon paused his game and turned to her calmly. “Hello.”
“Hi.” Penny responded, voice low and inflectionless. She stared at the dark television, perfectly manicured brows drawn together in a pissy-looking frown.
Sheldon took it all in and set the laptop on the coffee table. He turned back to her, twisting his body to angle towards her slightly, and folded his hands in his lap. “How’d the audition go?”
She swallowed, frown still in place, and flicked her eyes towards him.
Sheldon waited for a verbal response, but when it became obvious that none was forthcoming he licked his lips and then drew the bottom one between his teeth, carefully avoiding the healing scab. He narrowed his eyes as he studied her. After a few moments he hazarded his guess. “You didn’t get the part.” He leaned forward slightly, awaiting confirmation.
“No, Sheldon.” Penny sighed and the frown fell away, leaving a dejected look in its wake. Looking at her hands, she continued in a small voice. “I didn’t get the part.”
He gave a brief victory smile at his accurate inference, then resumed his examination. “Well did they tell you why?” He asked, turning even further towards her.
She looked up at him, the misery written on her features quickly being replaced with annoyance. “Why?”
“Yes. Why. Was there perhaps a line of dialogue you were unsuccessful at articulating correctly? Some emotion you failed to convey? Were you once more too “Midwest” for the part?” He paused shortly, “Did you get nervous and hyperventilate until you lost consciousness? Because that can happen, you know, and it’s not your fault.”
Penny, having given up on her anger halfway through his questions just shook her head and gave him a slight, tired smile. “I didn’t pass out. I didn’t mess up. I wasn’t even too Scandinavian this time.”
Sheldon raised his eyebrows, curious.
“This time,” she dropped her gaze from his and once more inspected her hands. “This time they said I just wasn’t pretty enough.”
Sheldon was silent for a beat, before snorting derisively. “That’s absurd.” He dismissed. “Anyone with a functioning brain and adequate eyesight would be able to see that you’re exceptionally attractive. No, that’s not it.” He gazed at her and tapped one long index finger against his chin. “Are you certain it wasn’t something you did?”
“You know what, Sheldon?” Penny stood and looked down at her neighbor. “You are the most infuriating person I know.”
Sheldon watched her warily for signs of anger, though there were no dangerous inflections in her voice. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re the only person I’ve ever known who can make me want to kiss you and kick you at the same time.”
Sheldon crossed his legs and angled his knees away from her.
“But then it turns out I can’t do either of those things because you don’t even realize you’re doing it.”
“Doing what?”
“Exactly!”
“I don’t understand.”
“Why are you so anxious to figure out the reason I didn’t get the part?”
“To improve your chances at the next audition you must first know what went wrong at the previous one.”
“See! See, now that, on the face of it, is sweet. You’re trying to help me improve my chances.”
Sheldon remained silent, watching with wide eyes as Penny began to pace on the other side of the coffee table.
“But,” she held up a finger. “Why do you want me to nail the next audition?”
“So you can finally get a paid acting job.” He answered.
“Aha! And why do you want that?”
“Because you’ve wanted to be an actress ever since you were twelve years old and you saw a production of Guys and Dolls at the Orpheum Theater. Your Aunt Arabelle took you in your new blue dress and your father was furious because you skipped softball practice.”
Penny opened her mouth to reply but shut it again before she could make a sound. She looked at Sheldon, slightly confused. “When did I- Never mind. Are there any other reasons why you want me to get an acting gig?”
Sheldon hesitated slightly. “It would supplement your current income, allowing you more financial freedom. You could come over to eat more often instead of having leftovers at the Cheesecake Factory.”
“Really? Those are your reasons?” At Sheldon’s nod Penny deflated and once more flopped down onto the couch. “I thought you were gonna say like, an acting job would increase my serotonin levels and make me a more pleasant person to be around so your stress levels would decline and your productivity would increase, bringing you that much closer to the Nobel prize, or something.”
Sheldon’s eyes lit up. “Oh I hadn’t thought of that. What an excellent idea. You may certainly add that to your list.”
Penny sighed and flicked her hands up into the hair. “And now I can’t even be mad ‘cause I totally started it.”
“Penny.”
“Yes, Sheldon?”
“You’re very confusing.”
“Thanks.”
“Have I said something to upset you?”
“Sort of.”
“Would you please let me know what it was so that I may adjust my speech accordingly in the future?”
“Sheldon, it’s a thousand things.”
He looked shocked. “A thou- This has been going on for some time! Penny, why didn’t you tell me? How am I ever going to understand acceptable social behaviors if no one corrects me when I do something wrong?”
Penny looked at him, tilting her head down and raising her eyebrows. “You’re really asking me to correct you more often?”
Sheldon pondered that for a moment. “I see your point.”
“And besides, half the time you’re not doing it wrong, you’re just not doing it at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you have about zero tact. So that means you have a tendency to point out the bad things about a person without thinking about how it makes them feel. But it also means that when you point out the good things you’re being totally sincere, and that’s a really good feeling.”
“I don’t try to hurt people’s feelings.”
“Trust me, I know. That’s pretty much the only reason you’re still alive right now.”
“But how am I to know what some people would think of as good or bad traits?”
“I don’t know, Sheldon. That’s something you’re gonna have to figure out on your own, I guess.” Penny leaned back into the couch and watched as he contemplated this new information.
Sheldon sighed and twisted his lips up, gaze wandering as he thought.
A short time later he turned to her, smiling faintly, “I suppose I could always ask Mrs. Vartabedian. I’m told she’s somewhat of a moral standard around these parts.”
~The End~
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