Fic: The Alice Cooper Avouchment
Title: The Alice Cooper Avouchment 2/?
Author: obfuscus
Spoilers: Season three through ‘The Precious Fragmentation.’
Rating: PG-13, for some naughty words
Word Count: 3130
Summary: Meemaw comes to town, and sweet Jesus- who knew she carried a Supreme Dictator and Life Meddler card in her hand-quilted purse?
Disclaimers: I don’t own TBBT, or any other shows mentioned, and am only borrowing them for what I hope is an entertaining diversion. No copyright infringement is intended.
Part One: http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/1030113.html
A/N: Meh- so I had to divide this chapter into two because it was getting so long, and all the fun stuff seems to have fallen after the break, leaving a big ball of awkward tension in this half. I’m not in love with it, but I’m also sick to death of editing it. So hopefully, it’s not too horrid.
~~~
It felt weird.
Penny shifted on the big squashy chair again, trying to get comfortable. God help her, but this wasn’t her favorite place to sit, and the worst part, hands down, was the sneaking suspicion that Sheldon had rubbed off on her. She flatly refused to have a ‘spot.’
Meemaw was occupying the middle couch cushion, happily picking through her plate for the water chestnuts. She loved the damn things- had even asked Raj and Howard if they were going to eat theirs. “So, Leonard, I trust you’ve made it up to Sheldon?”
“Meemaw,” Sheldon whined quietly. He tried not to think about that failed expedition at all, because when he did, he had the very unnerving urge to harm someone. Someone that was supposed to be his friend. “We’ve discussed it, and I’ve forgiven them. Leonard brought my impossible behavior to my attention and I’ve promised to try to ameliorate such issues should we ever collaborate again.”
Penny winced as Meemaw’s fingers spasmed around her fork. She’d known the guys had talked about things, but she hadn’t pushed, figuring four grown men could hash things out once in awhile without her butting in. And then it set in- had Leonard really pinned it all on Sheldon? Oh, this was going to be bad. She scowled down at her shrimp rice. And if Meemaw left anything other than bones and entrails, she’d be having words of her own with Leonard later.
Leonard was on the computer chair next to her, looking entirely too unconcerned for his wellbeing. “I apologized, and so did he, Mrs. Cooper, and we put it behind us.”
“Well that don’t sound like any apology to me, Leonard. It sounds like you sabotaged my grandson’s work, wasted Lord only knows how many dollars of that science group’s money and wrecked the reputation he’s been buildin’ since he was fourteen.” Her cheeks had flared a deep fuchsia to rival her shirt. “And you’re sayin’ it’s his fault ‘cause he gets persnickety on occasion?”
Howard and Raj exchanged a look, simultaneously edging away from Alice. They’d managed to avoid being dragged into this so far.
A finger snapped out in their direction. “An’ don’t you boys be thinkin’ you’re gettin’ off scot free, either. We’ll be havin’ a little talk later. It may have been awhile since I last saw you, but that don’t mean I won’t blister your ears if I think you deserve it.”
Eyes wide, Raj made a break for the bathroom.
Apparently, Leonard finally got exactly how far he’d shoved his shoe down his throat, the blithe arrogance sliding out of his voice. “Look, Mrs. Cooper, I really am sorry- I told Sheldon how sorry I was, I went down to Texas to bring him home and I offered to tell our boss, Dr. Gablehouser, what happened, but Sheldon refused. He forgave me. I know it was wrong, but I’ve tried to make amends. I hope you’ll forgive me, too.”
Those blue eyes looked like floes of ice in the open ocean, and it sent a shiver down Penny’s spine. This was not a woman to cross. Her eyes flickered to Sheldon, who was looking back at her with something akin to panic written across his face. He might as well have been holding up a sign that said, “Penny, do something! Save us!” Her eyebrows furrowed and her shoulders hitched as she mouthed back, “What do you want me to do?”
Rolling his eyes, Sheldon carefully set his plate on the table and turned, laying a hand on Meemaw’s arm. “It’s okay, Meemaw. I’m asking you to please let it go.”
She held his gaze for a long moment before giving a thin-lipped smile. “All right, Moonpie. You’re a big boy, and a sight more forgivin’ than I’d be in your place.” The smile became a little sharper as she turned back to Leonard and held out a papery-skinned hand. “We’ll let bygones be bygones, Leonard. A friend of Sheldon’s is a friend of mine.”
Penny slowly released her death grip on her food container. She had the sudden feeling that maybe Texan meemaws and Sicilian mob wives had something in common. What was the saying? Oh, yeah- A kiss on each cheek and a knife in the back.
~~~
Dinner went on in awkward silence for some time, broken only by Raj’s tentative return.
“So… um, Alice.” Penny cleared her throat. God, you could feel the tension in the room. Her eyes cut to Leonard next to her, who apparently had decided that he’d done enough to smooth things over. He was eating like nothing had happened. “Was Sheldon’s dad your son?”
Alice took a long pull from the orange soda in front of her. “Oh, sweet virgin Mary, no.” She poked through her food with a frown. “You gonna eat them water chestnuts, Penny?”
“No, ma’am.” Yeesh. There it was again. The woman just had a no-nonsense air about her. Holding out her plate, Penny bit her lip as Meemaw scraped the pile of vegetables onto her own dish. Sheldon never even batted an eye. Figured- she touched one of his stupid onion rings and kicked off a war, but Meemaw could practically lick her plate without him saying a word. She frowned at him, feeling slightly better when he gave her a startled look in return.
Meemaw hummed happily at her new supply of treats. “No, darlin’, Mary’s my girl.” She popped a chestnut into her mouth with a happy hum. “Had her straight outta high school, an’ her sister two years after that.”
She exchanged a look of confusion with Raj, who just shrugged and sank lower on his end of the couch. “Well, then how come your name’s Cooper?” Hopefully, it wasn’t a story like her cousin Loreen’s. That had been a big ol’ scandal back home- people still talked about it.
“Nothin’ so salacious as you’re thinking, girlie,” Meemaw said with a sly grin. “I seen them Jerry Springer shows. You rest assured I ain’t never taken off my shoes an’ earrings to try to beat some woman down.”
Howard gaped. “You’ve watched Jerry Springer?”
Snorting, Meemaw settled back against the cushions, plate on her lap, clearly relishing the telling of the story. “Course. One of the girls in my poker group’s niece was on the show. We had a big viewin’ party for it. Can’t remember the last time I’ve had so much fun.” She waved a hand. “Anyways, short story is my Mary married George Cooper right outta high school, just like I married her daddy. My Jack, Sheldon’s Papaw, passed on a long time ago, an’ I just didn’t see the point of bein’ all on my own for another thirty or forty years, so I snapped up George’s uncle. Good man, too. Steady job, nice to the animals, an’ didn’t spend too much time down at the titty bars or the racetrack. Plus, the Cooper men’ve always been a handsome lot.” She popped another water chestnut in her mouth. “An’ here I am, a Cooper like my Mary and her babies.”
Penny took a long sip of water to give herself time to think of something to say. “Oh.” She sighed. Good going, slick. Way to express yourself. “So, um, anything on TV tonight, guys?”
Sheldon perked up. “There’s a program on the History Channel I’ve been wanting to-”
“Great,” Penny cut in with a bright grin, only a little desperate. Bastards. They were leaving all the conversation-making to her, the cowards. She’d watch The Miracle of Birth at this point- it couldn’t be any more awkward.
The tension seemed to slowly dissipate after Leonard clicked through to the correct channel and everyone got a little more comfortable- well, everyone but Penny. Stupid squashy chair. She wiggled again for what seemed the thousandth time. “Oh, hey! It’s that guy!” she said excitedly, pointing her fork at the screen. “Alex something. Alex Phillips?”
Howard rolled his eyes good-naturedly. He’d been on his best behavior since they’d walked through the door and discovered Sheldon’s grandmother- he still remembered what happened her last visit. He shuddered- it wasn’t a great stretch to imagine Meemaw as the tougher, scarier version of his mother. He’d never see a bar of soap the same way again. “Fillipenko. He’s from Cal- Berkeley, and on a lot of these shows.”
Raj nodded his agreement.
Penny bounced in her seat a little. “Yeah! He’s that astrophysicist guy that was on the show I told you about,” she said, turning to Leonard. “He actually made the stuff you guys do seem… I don’t know- less weird and kind of cool. Plus, he was funny.”
“He’s a CalTech alum, you know,” Leonard offered with a proud little grin.
Raj waved his hands about and meeped before sighing heavily. “I worked on a project of his when I was doing my doctorate,” he added, through Howard.
“The show you’re referring to is called ‘The Universe,’ Penny.” Sheldon sat stiffly and regarded them all as if they were a little insane, much like he usually looked at them. “And he’s the dancing bear of physics. He demeans our field with his lowest-common denominator approach to teaching.”
“Well, I liked him,” Penny threw back stubbornly, dumping her plate on the table to curl her legs under her, turning to face Sheldon head-on. “I understood more of what he was saying than I did when you tried to teach me physics.”
One of Meemaw’s penciled eyebrows arched up. “Sheldon tried to teach you his physics?” Her voice held a note Penny couldn’t identify. “Well, now. Isn’t that interestin’.” Her drawl, which was pretty conspicuous to begin with, drew out to epic levels of twang.
“Sheldon, stop being so pretentious,” Leonard sniffed, his lips twisted with a faint smile. “I think it’s nice that he can explain some pretty complicated stuff in layman’s terms. It gives our field some really good exposure.”
Howard added, “Don’t forget that ‘dancing bear’ won Professor of the Year honors a few years back, not to mention his Guggenheim fellowship or oh, I don’t know, how he created the KAIT over at the Lick Observatory.”
Right. So maybe the TV idea hadn’t been so hot after all. “Are you originally from Galveston, Alice?” Penny interjected, before Sheldon really lost his cool and started lecturing them all. She shivered. The last time, he’d even busted out the schematics, leading to the Penny-created rule that there will be no activities involving dry erase markers during dinner ever again, upon pain of castration with a rusty Exacto blade. Yeah… that flow chart had been painful.
“Near enough. How ‘bout you, honey? Moonpie said you were from Nebraska.”
She nodded. “Omaha.” Lord, how much longer until she could plead a headache and make a break for her place?
“Oh. I had a beau once from Omaha way. After Jack died.” Meemaw smiled at her.
Penny returned the smile hesitantly. It still felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop- because if she knew one thing, it was that this Betty White-lookalike was a heck of a lot more than she seemed. This was a lady with a plan- she only needed to figure out what that plan was, and whether she was going to get sucked into it. “That’s so nice.”
“Oh, no. He was a real jackass. Worst decision I ever made.”
Immediately, Penny turned to Sheldon with an ‘Is she serious?’ look on her face.
One fragile-looking hand landed on her stomach and gave it a good, lazy rub as Meemaw settled more comfortably. “Still, I suppose Nebraska is better than Oklahoma.”
Penny nodded firmly. Hatred of Oklahoma and the Sooners was the only topic of possible agreement for a Texan and a Nebraskan. Well, maybe a shared loved of beef, but that always devolved into whose beef was better and who grilled it better. Nope. Oklahoma was it. “So… did you watch Oklahoma get whipped by Iowa State?” she asked, happily noting that Alice Cooper looked equally gleeful. After all, Iowa State had ripped Oklahoma by more than thirty points. It had been an absolute bloodbath.
~~~
Okay, so that had been massively uncomfortable, Penny thought as she helped clear up the food containers. She’d help with the dishes, but Sheldon never let her- he always insisted she was incapable of using enough dish soap, or scrubbing hard enough, or keeping the soap on long enough for the antibacterial compounds to destroy all of the germs. “Well, I’m going to head out,” she chirped, getting ready to make a mad sprint for the door. If she had to hurdle Howard, so be it. She wasn’t slowing down long enough to go around him.
“Penny?” Sheldon’s head swiveled towards her from his station at the sink. “I would like to call upon the implied addendum of our friendship agreement that allows me to make requests of you in specific instances.”
How could you not smile at a statement like that? He’d made so much progress since she’d first met him. “Yes, sweetie? You want to ask me a favor?”
Leonard stood to the side, in the hallway, frantically waving his hands back and forth in the universal sign of ‘Good God, NO!’ That reminded her- she still had a few things to say to him, too.
“I’ve informed Meemaw that it won’t be necessary for her to spend her limited funds on a hotel while she’s here,” Sheldon began, soap bubbles clinging to his yellow rubber gloves. “If Leonard is amenable, and you are also, I would like to ask you to take in Leonard for the week.” He paused, a thoughtful frown creasing his forehead. “As a favor.”
Leonard’s head whipped around the corner, pinning his roommate with a dark look. “I’m not moving out for a week, Sheldon. She can have your room, and you can take the couch.” He kept casting surreptitious looks over his shoulder at the couch like Meemaw would abandon her animated discussion with Raj to eviscerate him. Well, animated discussion at Raj, complete with flamboyant hand gestures.
Blue eyes rounded in shock. “But I can’t sleep on the couch, Leonard. I’ve never slept on the couch. It hasn’t been properly disinfected, and I don’t have sheets that size. I need to sleep in my own bed.”
Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “Fine. I’ll stay with Penny, Sheldon.”
Oh, now that annoyed her. “Hello? Penny here? Hi. Yeah, maybe you could ask instead of assume, Leonard. Unless you’d rather sleep on my floor.”
That sent Sheldon’s eyebrows beetling together. “Leonard, have you changed your sheets and sanitized the hard surfaces in your room since you and Penny last engaged in coitus there?”
“No.” His voice was flat, his gaze even more so. For years he’d put up with Sheldon’s brand of crazy, and frankly, he’d had enough. “And I’m not going to, either. If it bothers you so much, you do it.”
Sheldon glared at him, noting with pleasure that Penny seemed to have taken his side in this discussion. He studied her thoughtfully. “Very well, Leonard, if you’re intent on being intractable about this. Penny, may I once again sleep in your bed?”
Leonard’s hands fisted impotently at his side. That hadn’t been a big deal at the time, but the thought of Sheldon in Penny’s bed now did horrible things to his blood pressure. He said, “No,” at the same time Penny said, “Sure.” Her head slewed in his direction, murder in her light green eyes.
“Leonard, sweetie, can I have a word?” Her voice was as sweet as poisoned honey. She took a threatening step towards him, stopped and met Sheldon’s worried eyes. “All right, Sheldon, here’s the deal. We know your room is clean enough for your meemaw, so she’ll stay there, and we know you can sleep in my bed, so you can stay at my place. I’ll stay here.” Her grin was positively feral. “With Leonard.”
Leonard gulped. Maybe he should have just knuckled under. Again. Like always.
Peeling off his rubber gloves, Sheldon crowded towards her and lowered his voice conspiratorially. “And while I’m sure it’s outside the bounds of favors, can you please refrain from coitus while Meemaw is here? I don’t want you to traumatize her as you have me.”
“You’re okay with Sheldon in your apartment, alone, every night, for a week?” Leonard burst out incredulously.
She’d had about enough of his childish temper tantrums tonight. “It’s not like he hasn’t slept there before- he’ll be fine,” she snapped back.
Leonard glared at her mutinously. “It’s not him I’m worried about.”
Was he jealous? Of Sheldon? Penny scowled. “I could always sleep on my own couch, Leonard, if you want to push it.”
His chin dropped, and the air seemed to go out of him. “No, that’s okay.”
~~~
Howard stared at Meemaw with wide eyes, all rapt attention. “Isn’t that, like, check fraud?”
“Course not,” she snorted. “Sheldon gave me a general power of attorney years ago, in the event something horrible happened to him. Gave me a medical proxy, too. Said he didn’t trust his momma or Missy to make ‘life altering decisions’ for him should he be incapacitated. Anyways, I’ve got a nice savings account, an IRA and a big ol’ mutual fund going for the boy. Hopefully, by the time I kick the bucket and he finds out what I been doin’ at the will reading, he’ll either be a little less paranoid or married to a nice, practical woman who’ll browbeat him into followin’ what his ol’ Meemaw started for him.” She shook her head and snorted. “Machines risin’ up. All them smarts, and the good Lord forgot to give him a lick o’ common sense. This is why I keep tellin’ him to find a good level-headed girl to settle down with. He’ll always have his head in the stars- he needs a girl with a solid pair of feet on the ground.”
Raj’s eyes wandered to the kitchen, where Penny stood halfway between Leonard and Sheldon, looking like she was about to strangle somebody. He thought about trying to explain to Meemaw how much Sheldon’s level of batshit craziness had decreased since Penny moved in across the hall, but thought better of it. She might take it the wrong way, might think that it meant Sheldon had a soft spot for her. He turned back to the discussion. No, he was so not going to be held responsible for opening that can of worms.
After all, Sheldon was his boss now, and you don’t piss off the guy holding your work visa in his neurotic hands.
Part Three: http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/1047238.html#cutid1
Author: obfuscus
Spoilers: Season three through ‘The Precious Fragmentation.’
Rating: PG-13, for some naughty words
Word Count: 3130
Summary: Meemaw comes to town, and sweet Jesus- who knew she carried a Supreme Dictator and Life Meddler card in her hand-quilted purse?
Disclaimers: I don’t own TBBT, or any other shows mentioned, and am only borrowing them for what I hope is an entertaining diversion. No copyright infringement is intended.
Part One: http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/1030113.html
A/N: Meh- so I had to divide this chapter into two because it was getting so long, and all the fun stuff seems to have fallen after the break, leaving a big ball of awkward tension in this half. I’m not in love with it, but I’m also sick to death of editing it. So hopefully, it’s not too horrid.
~~~
It felt weird.
Penny shifted on the big squashy chair again, trying to get comfortable. God help her, but this wasn’t her favorite place to sit, and the worst part, hands down, was the sneaking suspicion that Sheldon had rubbed off on her. She flatly refused to have a ‘spot.’
Meemaw was occupying the middle couch cushion, happily picking through her plate for the water chestnuts. She loved the damn things- had even asked Raj and Howard if they were going to eat theirs. “So, Leonard, I trust you’ve made it up to Sheldon?”
“Meemaw,” Sheldon whined quietly. He tried not to think about that failed expedition at all, because when he did, he had the very unnerving urge to harm someone. Someone that was supposed to be his friend. “We’ve discussed it, and I’ve forgiven them. Leonard brought my impossible behavior to my attention and I’ve promised to try to ameliorate such issues should we ever collaborate again.”
Penny winced as Meemaw’s fingers spasmed around her fork. She’d known the guys had talked about things, but she hadn’t pushed, figuring four grown men could hash things out once in awhile without her butting in. And then it set in- had Leonard really pinned it all on Sheldon? Oh, this was going to be bad. She scowled down at her shrimp rice. And if Meemaw left anything other than bones and entrails, she’d be having words of her own with Leonard later.
Leonard was on the computer chair next to her, looking entirely too unconcerned for his wellbeing. “I apologized, and so did he, Mrs. Cooper, and we put it behind us.”
“Well that don’t sound like any apology to me, Leonard. It sounds like you sabotaged my grandson’s work, wasted Lord only knows how many dollars of that science group’s money and wrecked the reputation he’s been buildin’ since he was fourteen.” Her cheeks had flared a deep fuchsia to rival her shirt. “And you’re sayin’ it’s his fault ‘cause he gets persnickety on occasion?”
Howard and Raj exchanged a look, simultaneously edging away from Alice. They’d managed to avoid being dragged into this so far.
A finger snapped out in their direction. “An’ don’t you boys be thinkin’ you’re gettin’ off scot free, either. We’ll be havin’ a little talk later. It may have been awhile since I last saw you, but that don’t mean I won’t blister your ears if I think you deserve it.”
Eyes wide, Raj made a break for the bathroom.
Apparently, Leonard finally got exactly how far he’d shoved his shoe down his throat, the blithe arrogance sliding out of his voice. “Look, Mrs. Cooper, I really am sorry- I told Sheldon how sorry I was, I went down to Texas to bring him home and I offered to tell our boss, Dr. Gablehouser, what happened, but Sheldon refused. He forgave me. I know it was wrong, but I’ve tried to make amends. I hope you’ll forgive me, too.”
Those blue eyes looked like floes of ice in the open ocean, and it sent a shiver down Penny’s spine. This was not a woman to cross. Her eyes flickered to Sheldon, who was looking back at her with something akin to panic written across his face. He might as well have been holding up a sign that said, “Penny, do something! Save us!” Her eyebrows furrowed and her shoulders hitched as she mouthed back, “What do you want me to do?”
Rolling his eyes, Sheldon carefully set his plate on the table and turned, laying a hand on Meemaw’s arm. “It’s okay, Meemaw. I’m asking you to please let it go.”
She held his gaze for a long moment before giving a thin-lipped smile. “All right, Moonpie. You’re a big boy, and a sight more forgivin’ than I’d be in your place.” The smile became a little sharper as she turned back to Leonard and held out a papery-skinned hand. “We’ll let bygones be bygones, Leonard. A friend of Sheldon’s is a friend of mine.”
Penny slowly released her death grip on her food container. She had the sudden feeling that maybe Texan meemaws and Sicilian mob wives had something in common. What was the saying? Oh, yeah- A kiss on each cheek and a knife in the back.
~~~
Dinner went on in awkward silence for some time, broken only by Raj’s tentative return.
“So… um, Alice.” Penny cleared her throat. God, you could feel the tension in the room. Her eyes cut to Leonard next to her, who apparently had decided that he’d done enough to smooth things over. He was eating like nothing had happened. “Was Sheldon’s dad your son?”
Alice took a long pull from the orange soda in front of her. “Oh, sweet virgin Mary, no.” She poked through her food with a frown. “You gonna eat them water chestnuts, Penny?”
“No, ma’am.” Yeesh. There it was again. The woman just had a no-nonsense air about her. Holding out her plate, Penny bit her lip as Meemaw scraped the pile of vegetables onto her own dish. Sheldon never even batted an eye. Figured- she touched one of his stupid onion rings and kicked off a war, but Meemaw could practically lick her plate without him saying a word. She frowned at him, feeling slightly better when he gave her a startled look in return.
Meemaw hummed happily at her new supply of treats. “No, darlin’, Mary’s my girl.” She popped a chestnut into her mouth with a happy hum. “Had her straight outta high school, an’ her sister two years after that.”
She exchanged a look of confusion with Raj, who just shrugged and sank lower on his end of the couch. “Well, then how come your name’s Cooper?” Hopefully, it wasn’t a story like her cousin Loreen’s. That had been a big ol’ scandal back home- people still talked about it.
“Nothin’ so salacious as you’re thinking, girlie,” Meemaw said with a sly grin. “I seen them Jerry Springer shows. You rest assured I ain’t never taken off my shoes an’ earrings to try to beat some woman down.”
Howard gaped. “You’ve watched Jerry Springer?”
Snorting, Meemaw settled back against the cushions, plate on her lap, clearly relishing the telling of the story. “Course. One of the girls in my poker group’s niece was on the show. We had a big viewin’ party for it. Can’t remember the last time I’ve had so much fun.” She waved a hand. “Anyways, short story is my Mary married George Cooper right outta high school, just like I married her daddy. My Jack, Sheldon’s Papaw, passed on a long time ago, an’ I just didn’t see the point of bein’ all on my own for another thirty or forty years, so I snapped up George’s uncle. Good man, too. Steady job, nice to the animals, an’ didn’t spend too much time down at the titty bars or the racetrack. Plus, the Cooper men’ve always been a handsome lot.” She popped another water chestnut in her mouth. “An’ here I am, a Cooper like my Mary and her babies.”
Penny took a long sip of water to give herself time to think of something to say. “Oh.” She sighed. Good going, slick. Way to express yourself. “So, um, anything on TV tonight, guys?”
Sheldon perked up. “There’s a program on the History Channel I’ve been wanting to-”
“Great,” Penny cut in with a bright grin, only a little desperate. Bastards. They were leaving all the conversation-making to her, the cowards. She’d watch The Miracle of Birth at this point- it couldn’t be any more awkward.
The tension seemed to slowly dissipate after Leonard clicked through to the correct channel and everyone got a little more comfortable- well, everyone but Penny. Stupid squashy chair. She wiggled again for what seemed the thousandth time. “Oh, hey! It’s that guy!” she said excitedly, pointing her fork at the screen. “Alex something. Alex Phillips?”
Howard rolled his eyes good-naturedly. He’d been on his best behavior since they’d walked through the door and discovered Sheldon’s grandmother- he still remembered what happened her last visit. He shuddered- it wasn’t a great stretch to imagine Meemaw as the tougher, scarier version of his mother. He’d never see a bar of soap the same way again. “Fillipenko. He’s from Cal- Berkeley, and on a lot of these shows.”
Raj nodded his agreement.
Penny bounced in her seat a little. “Yeah! He’s that astrophysicist guy that was on the show I told you about,” she said, turning to Leonard. “He actually made the stuff you guys do seem… I don’t know- less weird and kind of cool. Plus, he was funny.”
“He’s a CalTech alum, you know,” Leonard offered with a proud little grin.
Raj waved his hands about and meeped before sighing heavily. “I worked on a project of his when I was doing my doctorate,” he added, through Howard.
“The show you’re referring to is called ‘The Universe,’ Penny.” Sheldon sat stiffly and regarded them all as if they were a little insane, much like he usually looked at them. “And he’s the dancing bear of physics. He demeans our field with his lowest-common denominator approach to teaching.”
“Well, I liked him,” Penny threw back stubbornly, dumping her plate on the table to curl her legs under her, turning to face Sheldon head-on. “I understood more of what he was saying than I did when you tried to teach me physics.”
One of Meemaw’s penciled eyebrows arched up. “Sheldon tried to teach you his physics?” Her voice held a note Penny couldn’t identify. “Well, now. Isn’t that interestin’.” Her drawl, which was pretty conspicuous to begin with, drew out to epic levels of twang.
“Sheldon, stop being so pretentious,” Leonard sniffed, his lips twisted with a faint smile. “I think it’s nice that he can explain some pretty complicated stuff in layman’s terms. It gives our field some really good exposure.”
Howard added, “Don’t forget that ‘dancing bear’ won Professor of the Year honors a few years back, not to mention his Guggenheim fellowship or oh, I don’t know, how he created the KAIT over at the Lick Observatory.”
Right. So maybe the TV idea hadn’t been so hot after all. “Are you originally from Galveston, Alice?” Penny interjected, before Sheldon really lost his cool and started lecturing them all. She shivered. The last time, he’d even busted out the schematics, leading to the Penny-created rule that there will be no activities involving dry erase markers during dinner ever again, upon pain of castration with a rusty Exacto blade. Yeah… that flow chart had been painful.
“Near enough. How ‘bout you, honey? Moonpie said you were from Nebraska.”
She nodded. “Omaha.” Lord, how much longer until she could plead a headache and make a break for her place?
“Oh. I had a beau once from Omaha way. After Jack died.” Meemaw smiled at her.
Penny returned the smile hesitantly. It still felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop- because if she knew one thing, it was that this Betty White-lookalike was a heck of a lot more than she seemed. This was a lady with a plan- she only needed to figure out what that plan was, and whether she was going to get sucked into it. “That’s so nice.”
“Oh, no. He was a real jackass. Worst decision I ever made.”
Immediately, Penny turned to Sheldon with an ‘Is she serious?’ look on her face.
One fragile-looking hand landed on her stomach and gave it a good, lazy rub as Meemaw settled more comfortably. “Still, I suppose Nebraska is better than Oklahoma.”
Penny nodded firmly. Hatred of Oklahoma and the Sooners was the only topic of possible agreement for a Texan and a Nebraskan. Well, maybe a shared loved of beef, but that always devolved into whose beef was better and who grilled it better. Nope. Oklahoma was it. “So… did you watch Oklahoma get whipped by Iowa State?” she asked, happily noting that Alice Cooper looked equally gleeful. After all, Iowa State had ripped Oklahoma by more than thirty points. It had been an absolute bloodbath.
~~~
Okay, so that had been massively uncomfortable, Penny thought as she helped clear up the food containers. She’d help with the dishes, but Sheldon never let her- he always insisted she was incapable of using enough dish soap, or scrubbing hard enough, or keeping the soap on long enough for the antibacterial compounds to destroy all of the germs. “Well, I’m going to head out,” she chirped, getting ready to make a mad sprint for the door. If she had to hurdle Howard, so be it. She wasn’t slowing down long enough to go around him.
“Penny?” Sheldon’s head swiveled towards her from his station at the sink. “I would like to call upon the implied addendum of our friendship agreement that allows me to make requests of you in specific instances.”
How could you not smile at a statement like that? He’d made so much progress since she’d first met him. “Yes, sweetie? You want to ask me a favor?”
Leonard stood to the side, in the hallway, frantically waving his hands back and forth in the universal sign of ‘Good God, NO!’ That reminded her- she still had a few things to say to him, too.
“I’ve informed Meemaw that it won’t be necessary for her to spend her limited funds on a hotel while she’s here,” Sheldon began, soap bubbles clinging to his yellow rubber gloves. “If Leonard is amenable, and you are also, I would like to ask you to take in Leonard for the week.” He paused, a thoughtful frown creasing his forehead. “As a favor.”
Leonard’s head whipped around the corner, pinning his roommate with a dark look. “I’m not moving out for a week, Sheldon. She can have your room, and you can take the couch.” He kept casting surreptitious looks over his shoulder at the couch like Meemaw would abandon her animated discussion with Raj to eviscerate him. Well, animated discussion at Raj, complete with flamboyant hand gestures.
Blue eyes rounded in shock. “But I can’t sleep on the couch, Leonard. I’ve never slept on the couch. It hasn’t been properly disinfected, and I don’t have sheets that size. I need to sleep in my own bed.”
Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “Fine. I’ll stay with Penny, Sheldon.”
Oh, now that annoyed her. “Hello? Penny here? Hi. Yeah, maybe you could ask instead of assume, Leonard. Unless you’d rather sleep on my floor.”
That sent Sheldon’s eyebrows beetling together. “Leonard, have you changed your sheets and sanitized the hard surfaces in your room since you and Penny last engaged in coitus there?”
“No.” His voice was flat, his gaze even more so. For years he’d put up with Sheldon’s brand of crazy, and frankly, he’d had enough. “And I’m not going to, either. If it bothers you so much, you do it.”
Sheldon glared at him, noting with pleasure that Penny seemed to have taken his side in this discussion. He studied her thoughtfully. “Very well, Leonard, if you’re intent on being intractable about this. Penny, may I once again sleep in your bed?”
Leonard’s hands fisted impotently at his side. That hadn’t been a big deal at the time, but the thought of Sheldon in Penny’s bed now did horrible things to his blood pressure. He said, “No,” at the same time Penny said, “Sure.” Her head slewed in his direction, murder in her light green eyes.
“Leonard, sweetie, can I have a word?” Her voice was as sweet as poisoned honey. She took a threatening step towards him, stopped and met Sheldon’s worried eyes. “All right, Sheldon, here’s the deal. We know your room is clean enough for your meemaw, so she’ll stay there, and we know you can sleep in my bed, so you can stay at my place. I’ll stay here.” Her grin was positively feral. “With Leonard.”
Leonard gulped. Maybe he should have just knuckled under. Again. Like always.
Peeling off his rubber gloves, Sheldon crowded towards her and lowered his voice conspiratorially. “And while I’m sure it’s outside the bounds of favors, can you please refrain from coitus while Meemaw is here? I don’t want you to traumatize her as you have me.”
“You’re okay with Sheldon in your apartment, alone, every night, for a week?” Leonard burst out incredulously.
She’d had about enough of his childish temper tantrums tonight. “It’s not like he hasn’t slept there before- he’ll be fine,” she snapped back.
Leonard glared at her mutinously. “It’s not him I’m worried about.”
Was he jealous? Of Sheldon? Penny scowled. “I could always sleep on my own couch, Leonard, if you want to push it.”
His chin dropped, and the air seemed to go out of him. “No, that’s okay.”
~~~
Howard stared at Meemaw with wide eyes, all rapt attention. “Isn’t that, like, check fraud?”
“Course not,” she snorted. “Sheldon gave me a general power of attorney years ago, in the event something horrible happened to him. Gave me a medical proxy, too. Said he didn’t trust his momma or Missy to make ‘life altering decisions’ for him should he be incapacitated. Anyways, I’ve got a nice savings account, an IRA and a big ol’ mutual fund going for the boy. Hopefully, by the time I kick the bucket and he finds out what I been doin’ at the will reading, he’ll either be a little less paranoid or married to a nice, practical woman who’ll browbeat him into followin’ what his ol’ Meemaw started for him.” She shook her head and snorted. “Machines risin’ up. All them smarts, and the good Lord forgot to give him a lick o’ common sense. This is why I keep tellin’ him to find a good level-headed girl to settle down with. He’ll always have his head in the stars- he needs a girl with a solid pair of feet on the ground.”
Raj’s eyes wandered to the kitchen, where Penny stood halfway between Leonard and Sheldon, looking like she was about to strangle somebody. He thought about trying to explain to Meemaw how much Sheldon’s level of batshit craziness had decreased since Penny moved in across the hall, but thought better of it. She might take it the wrong way, might think that it meant Sheldon had a soft spot for her. He turned back to the discussion. No, he was so not going to be held responsible for opening that can of worms.
After all, Sheldon was his boss now, and you don’t piss off the guy holding your work visa in his neurotic hands.
Part Three: http://community.livejournal.com/sheldon_penny/1047238.html#cutid1