Fic: Five Stages
Title: Five Stages
Author: she_burns1
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,990
Summary: Paradise - I see flowers from the cottage where I lie. - Yaitsu
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The plot is all mine. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Angst. Crazy, crazy angst! If you don’t like angst - don’t read this!
Notes: Leave it to me to take one of the happiest, funniest sitcoms ever and write this. That’s just how I rollins’.
1. Denial
“Penny?”
“Penny?”
“Penny?”
Penny floated in and out of consciousness for a moment, then pressed a hand to her forehead and gave Leonard a weak smile, “Hmm?”
“Penny, I asked if you had any three’s?”
“Huh? Oh,” Penny looked down at her hand of cards, eyes swimming a little and then shook her head, “Yeah, no, no. No three’s. Go fish.”
Leonard reached into the pile of messy cards near her lap and sighed, hands fidgeting, “You know, maybe we should stop…you need your rest.”
“No, no, Leonard, it’s-it’s fine,” Penny pleaded, shrugging listlessly, “’S nothing. Just…I was a little out of it there, for a minute.”
“Because you’re tired,” Leonard stressed, folding his cards together, “Yeah, we should stop. I’ll just clean this up.”
Leonard started collecting all the cards and Penny let out a breath, annoyed with how even the simplest of tasks seemed cumbersome these days, “Are you sure? I was this close to kicking your butt.”
Leonard looked over his glasses, giving her a conspiratorial grin, “Yeah, you were. That’s why I really stopped playing; I didn’t want to deal with you gloating over a landslide victory.”
Penny shook her head; closing her eyes, ignoring how heavy the lids felt as she muttered grumpily, “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t…Leonard, just because I’m…look, I know I’m here,” she waved around the sterile white room, “but…doesn’t mean you have to be overly nice, okay? Can’t we…can’t we just act like we always do?”
“Like we always do?”
“Leonard,” Despite everything, she still did an excellent job of spearing him with one hard glance, “You were kicking my tail just now and you know it. You would have been the one gloating so…you know…”
Leonard’s shoulders rose and fell sheepishly as he finished cleaning up the cards, “Yeah, yeah, okay. Sure. I was winning, but-”
“No, there is no ‘but’, you were winning. Admit it and move on. Just because I’m in this bed doesn’t mean I get special privileges.”
“Penny-”
“It doesn’t,” she stressed, “It doesn’t. Okay. Please?”
“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he repeated, as he swallowed thickly. There was a thick silence and then he spoke, trying his best to be jovial again, “Howard and Raj said they’re coming by tomorrow.”
Penny sat up a little, pleased, “Really?”
“Yeah, they said they’re sorry they haven’t really come by much since…well…you know Howard,” Leonard chuckled nervously, “He’s all ready struck out with most of the nurses here.”
Penny laughed, rolling her eyes, “I can imagine.”
“And Raj is…well, Raj…this is...it’s hard for him.”
“I know.”
“I mean, he’s…it’s not like he’s…unfamiliar with…this sort of thing, but he’s…he doesn’t want you to…you know,” Leonard fumbled with the words and Penny shook her head, saying quietly, “You can tell him…it’s…it’s okay. I don’t-I don’t care if he-”
“He doesn’t want to cry in front of you,” Leonard said firmly, “He doesn’t.”
“Leonard-”
“He knows it’ll make you feel bad-”
“Well, you can tell him breathing feels bad at this point, if that’ll make him feel better,” Penny said this more bitterly than she would have liked, and she could see the effect of it hit Leonard hard, so she tried again, “No, Leonard, really, please…tell him I’d like to see him. No matter what.”
Leonard nodded, swallowing again.
The silence returned, just as awful as before but Penny let it sit a while because she wanted to close her eyes. She had lied before. She was tired. But she didn’t want to sleep. Didn’t want to think about sleeping. About that place in dark, dreaming, sub conscious where you didn’t remember anything…where it was like you didn’t exist.
Instead she forced her eyes to stay open and smoothed down the crisp, standard-hospital-issue sheet over her lap. She tried to reach behind her to adjust her pillow but Leonard, who had just slipped the deck of cards back into his hoodie jacket, stood up and wordlessly began to do it for her.
She thanked him, her voice nothing more than a breath and, once settled; she licked her lips and asked the question that had been nagging her for weeks now, “What about Sheldon?”
Leonard pulled back after adjusting the pillow, hands going into his pockets, “What about him?”
“He hasn’t stopped by. I haven’t-haven’t seen him since-”
“He’s fine,” Leonard offered sharply, a tic forming in his jaw, then, seeing her face, he softened, “He’s…been busy. I’m sure he’ll stop by soon.”
“Is it-” Penny took in another difficult breath, ignoring the pain in her lungs and her spine and her legs and oh yeah, everywhere. Annoyed by this, she continued determinedly, “Is it hard for him, too? Is that why he hasn’t-”
“He’s been busy,” Leonard said again and she could tell by the way he said it that it was something Sheldon had said and something that was definitely a source of heated contestment between the two of them.
“Oh,” she said, then, with a little smile, “Well, I’m sure it’s important. He’ll stop by when he can.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
The moment was interrupted by the nurse coming in. She was all apologetic, but she still scooted a little tray table forward and Leonard looked over its contents dispassionately; he spoke to Penny, not taking his eyes from it, “I should go.”
Penny sighed, “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Nurse Ratchet is here with my daily dose.”
Leonard looked at the nurse, and then at Penny, confused, “I thought her last name was Roberts?”
The nurse looked at him, smiling and shaking her head, “It is, Mr. Leonard. I am Nurse Roberts and Penny, she’s just making a joke. My patient, she thinks she’s so funny.”
“I am so funny,” Penny interjected and she looked down at the tray and then looked away, more content to focus on her forearms. God, they were pale. She hated that. She wondered if she could somehow bribe Nurse Roberts into taking her to a tanning bed.
Her lips quirked at the idea, the short daydream it brought to mind. Then she shook her head and looked at Leonard, “You coming back tomorrow?”
“You bet!”
“…maybe you can bring Sheldon with you.”
Leonard turned and left as Nurse Roberts carefully filled a syringe.
2. Bargaining
“Okay, try one out on me!”
“Penny-”
“Howard,” she said his name with steely resolve, “Please. I have to hear one. Just one.”
He sighed, hands raised in mocked surrender, “All right. But you’re not going to like it-”
“Shoot.”
“What's your diagnosis? I'm a Cancer.”
“Oh god!”
“Howard, Christ!” Leonard hissed.
Penny burst into uncontrollable laughter. She clutched at her sides, shaking her head, trying to speak but finding herself unable to. It felt good to laugh. Leonard relaxed, laughing a little himself and Howard was, well, ‘guffawing’ was the only way to describe it.
Penny wiped at her eyes, “That’s a good one. You…you’re not a Cancer, right? I think …a Taurus?”
Howard shrugged, “I don’t know. Just…I just tried that one. On Nurse Roberts.”
Penny’s giggles returned full force, a hand pressed to her chest, “Oh no! No! Please say you didn’t-”
“Oh, I try a new one on her each time!” Howard said earnestly, “Last week-”
“Yeah, yeah!” Penny goaded.
“Last week, I tried out ‘I’m an organ donor, need anything?’”
Penny tried to stop laughing but it felt near impossible and there was nothing in the world better than that. Howard looked ridiculously pleased with himself and even Leonard was chuckling full force now.
Penny shook her head, clearing her throat as she said smartly, “Next time you should try this one, you should, you should, no, listen, stop laughing! You should try, ‘Have you ever given any thought to being a private nurse?’”
“Too late.”
Penny laughed some more, then broke off into coughs. Instantly Leonard and Howard looked concerned, moving closer to her but she waved them off. She grabbed a glass of water nearby and took a sip, then sighed, fanning herself, “Woo! That…hoo, that was good.”
“That’s what all the ladies say about me,” Howard offered and Penny rolled her eyes, a smile bright on her face, “Sure they do.”
Leonard sighed, shaking his head, “Think I’m going to go check on Raj again. You two keep catching up.”
Penny slowly curled one hand into a fist and, with as much strength as she could manage, waved it at Howard, “Just you and me, huh? Don’t try any funny stuff, mister, or you know what’ll happen.”
“A punch to the face? Penny, please, you’ve all ready had your turn. Try to let someone else have a go.”
Penny’s weak fist fell limply to the bed, coming apart as she sighed, “Howard, Howard, Howard, what am I going to do with you?”
“I have a list.”
“And the jokes keep coming…”
He shrugged, “It…helps.”
“It does. Thank you. I can’t remember the last time I had a good laugh.”
He sat down near her and he looked at her hands a moment or two before boldly taking one of them between his own. She raised an eyebrow, surprised, but let him because he patted it gently, “I promise I’ll try to come by more. Give you some more laughs.”
“I’d like that.”
He drew his hands from hers, and, not looking at her, said quietly, “Jokes in exchange for you getting better. Sound good?”
Penny’s lips quirked in one corner, “I’m trying, sweetie. I sure am trying.”
“I know….just…maybe…try harder?” he offered the last bit lamely and she didn’t know what to add to that. Instead, she found her thoughts floating elsewhere, “Howard?”
“Yes, Penny?”
“Leonard…I’ve asked him but he’s been…sort of dicey about it. I mean, I don’t know if they’re fighting right now or what, but, um, do you know when Sheldon is going to come by?”
Howard didn’t say a word.
Penny pressed on, “’Cause I’d…I’d like to see him.”
Howard’s mouth flapped silently a second, and then he offered, “Raj is going to come in here today. Swear! He’s just…working up to it, you know?”
Penny sighed in defeat, settling for what he gave her, “I know.”
“It’s-it’s been a while since-since he’s seen you.”
“Well, tell him I’m still a natural blonde.”
“I will.”
“And, if he wants, tomorrow I can be a natural brunette.”
“Brunette, huh?”
“Oh yeah, I got a whole collection. Blonde, brunette, redhead…whatever you want.”
“I think I prefer Penny blonde.”
“Penny blonde, huh?”
“It’s how I remember-” Howard stopped short, tugged at his collar and tried again, “Blonde, Penny. Just blonde.”
“Hmm.”
“Your…family been by?”
“Yeah, they’re staying down here full force right now. My dad bought me a new catcher’s mitt.”
“For real?”
Penny’s eyes cast to one side of her bed and Howard suddenly noticed the catcher’s mitt resting there. He picked it up, looking it over with some amusement, “Nice.”
“He got it signed.”
“’To Slugger’.”
“That’s me.”
“Wow…nice.”
“Mom got the balloons and the teddy bear over there in the corner, but no flowers. Can you believe that? Number one thing to bring someone in the hospital and I have yet to see one flower,” Penny sighed and shook her head before moving on, “Still, been getting some nice swag regardless, like my cousin-”
“Cousin?”
“Yeah, my cousin, Fiona; we were pretty close as kids so she feels the need to-”
“Is she hot?”
Penny laughed again.
3. Depression
“Hey, sweetie.”
Raj didn’t say a word. He just looked at her, eyes dark and hollow.
“It’s okay, I can do all the talking, trust me,” Penny laughed, then winced (god, she wished she could hide that better), and then feebly waved a hand near her bedside, “Come on, have a seat, I’ll tell you all about my entire life from beginning to end.”
She saw his back stiffen at her last word and sighed, “Come on, Raj, please sit down.”
Raj took a seat and she looked down at him, smiling softly, “That’s better. Now, how’ve you been? Oh, yeah, right, okay, well…um…how about I make it up for you? Okay, well, you’ve been good, good. Made some big new discoveries in the field of…what science do you do? I’ve forgotten…”
He pointed upwards and she sighed, “Oh, yeah, okay, so the stars…something with them and science and it’s awesome, right? So you’ve been working on that and then, what? That ‘Terminator’ girl…Summer Glue or whatever, she tracked you down, and she said something to you like ‘Oh, Raj, you sexy beast! I used all my Hollywood connections to find you because of our magic moment on the train and now I want to have my dirty, dirty way with you right here in this lab!’”
She looked at him, hoping for a reaction and was pleased to see a smile tugging at his lips, “Ah ha! I knew it! Good going, Raj! I’m proud of you!”
Raj just shook his head and then took in that telltale shaky breath and she scrambled for something, anything, to help, “No, look, hey, Raj, it’s…let’s talk about something else. All right? How-how about that, um, Doctor Who? I mean, okay, sorry, I don’t know much about that show-”
Raj let out a deep breath and his eyes were watering but he kept it at bay and, as she looked at him, she sighed, voice quiet, “I’m glad you came to see me, Raj.”
He nodded weakly.
“I’m also…okay, this is going to sound totally self-serving but…I’m also glad to see you alone because…I’ve been alone with Howard and Leonard and neither of them will tell me…Sheldon, Raj…I haven’t seen Sheldon. Leonard says he’s busy and Howard, Howard just grunts and changes the subject and I just…I’d-I’d like to see him and I thought…maybe you could get to him and, and maybe get him to come...”
He pointed to himself, eyes wide and less glazed and she was grateful for that, so she pressed on, “Yeah, yeah - you, Raj. I mean, I don’t know. I get this impression that you might… be good with him. Maybe better than Leonard. Especially right now. I know that seems ridiculous because you barely talk to me but…I just…I thought maybe you could get him to come. I’d really like to see him.”
Raj looked at her, eyes completely dry now, determined, and he nodded firmly and she brightened, giving him her best smile, “Aw, thanks, sweetie! See, this is what Summer sees in you, you are one sexy, sexy beast!”
4. Anger
“…says Bell, who provides the voice of the unseen title character on the CW’s ‘Gossip Girl’ and stars in the upcoming comedy ‘When in Rome’ with Josh Duhamel-”
“Leonard.”
“…and her’, wait, what?” Leonard blinked suddenly realizing that Penny had spoken to him. Her eyes had been closed long enough that he thought she had drifted off to sleep.
“Leonard.”
“Oh, Penny, hey,” his voice was quiet as he closed the magazine in front of him, “I thought you had fallen asleep.”
“No.”
“Oh, okay, do you - do you want me to keep reading?”
“No.”
“Really? I thought you wanted to hear all about Kristen Bell and her décor ideas-”
“Leonard, sweetie, please, I know you don’t really want to read that InStyle magazine article to me.”
“What? No! I’m enjoying it! Really! It’s fascinating how she hangs her drapes when she’s not on set-”
“Honey, please,” Penny sighed, her eyelids fluttering because, yes, she had almost been asleep but she had never gotten a decent answer to her earlier question, so she tried again, “Please tell me what happened to your face.”
“What, this?” Leonard gently prodded the cut on his lip and shrugged, “It’s nothing.”
“Leonard.”
“I…slipped and fell.” He offered sheepishly.
“Leonard.”
He let out a groan and twisted the magazine in his hands, “Okay, okay…look…I didn’t want to burden you with this but, I mean, things haven’t been so good at home.”
“Oh?”
“Yeeeah. Actually….I’ve been staying with Howard.”
“Howard?!”
“Well I’d rather stay with Raj but he’s been…it’s…I don’t understand him, Penny. I really don’t. Taking his side and all-”
”Wait, whose side?”
Leonard’s jaw set, that tic back again, “Sheldon.”
“Sheldon?”
”I tried, Penny, Jesus, I tried to get him to come here, okay? But he’s just - I mean, you know him, he’s impossible! He’s always been a pain in the neck, but this-”
“He…doesn’t want to come?”
“It’s not that…he doesn’t…he…look, I just, I don’t want to talk about it, all right?!”
Penny leaned back a little, startled by the venom in his voice, and offered a quiet, “Okay.”
All the heat left him and Leonard slumped in his seat. He tossed the magazine aside and ran his hands over his face, “I’m…Penny…Howard, Raj, and I…we’re here for you.”
“I know.”
“And I’m…I’m sorry that Sheldon isn’t.”
“It’s…Leonard, its okay.”
“No. No, it is not okay.”
“Leonard, if he’s not ready-”
“He’ll never be ready,” Leonard muttered, and then, “None of us will be.”
“Oh Leonard…”
Leonard pressed one of his hands over his eyes, wiping at them as subtly as he could, and then looked at her, “Penny.”
“Leonard.”
“I…you know how I felt…how I still feel, right?”
“Leonard-”
“Maybe, I mean, I am back together with Stephanie…this whole thing, we…you know, we reconnected-”
“And I’m happy about that.”
“I am too. I am. But then...I’m not, because-”
“Leonard, shh, no, hey, hey, don’t-don’t feel guilty. I mean, I’m glad. Really. Glad and happy and thankful. She’s great, you know, I mean, she comes by and visits sometimes and she’s…I like her. I really do.”
“Penny-”
”Leonard…you and me, we, we just…I don’t think it would have ever…gone that way. You know? But…I mean, I do love you, Leonard. As a friend. I always will. And I want you to be happy.”
Leonard let out a sound that she was sure was a sob and he tried to cover it with a cough. She let him.
5. Acceptance
Penny blinked in the darkness.
She wondered what time it was and wondered why she woke up in the middle of the night when she realized someone was sitting in the chair next to her bed. She blinked some more, trying to adjust her eyes to the night. She looked the person over and whispered cautiously, “Sheldon?”
“I’ve tried, Penny.”
Penny blinked some more and reached a hand haphazardly to one side of her hospital bed, searching for the light. He sat up and, in one smooth, efficient motion, clicked on the lamp near her beside. The room was still muted in shadows but there was a little light now, the lamp putting out a weak amber glow.
He reclined back in the chair, fingers linked, pressed to his lips as he looked at her. There was a horrid, black bruise above his left cheek bone and, even in the bad lighting, she could make out his eyes - they looked bloodshot, red rimmed.
Sheldon licked his lips, hands lowering and he wouldn’t look at her, voice a hollow caricature of its normal tone, “I’ve tried, Penny, and I’ve failed. I’ve failed.”
“Sheldon-”
“I’ve failed,” he said this quiet and cold, a strange air behind it, as if the words, the very idea, was alien to him, “I’ve done graphs. I’ve done charts. My whiteboard is covered in equations and nothing, nothing seems to…I can’t find the answer. The lab work I’ve done is inconclusive and all the other experiments, other hypothesizes, I’ve come up with…they’re fruitless.”
She kept her mouth shut, just looking at him while he continued to not look at her, his eyes staring off into some far off place she couldn’t see, much less imagine, “Physics, is, at its heart, the study of matter and motion. Energy and force and…I’m missing something. Some key, some focus, some…it’s just out of my reach.”
“I’m sure you’ll find it.”
Sheldon finally looked at Penny and it was almost like he looked through her and then she realized he looked lost as he said, “I won’t find it in time.”
Penny’s breath caught, heart squeezing, “Sheldon…”
“I couldn’t be bothered with banalities, Penny. Don’t you understand? I couldn’t just come here and sit in this place and talk to you. Watch television with you. Play card games with you. Pass pointless time with you. Time is too precious for that, Penny, far, far too precious and it’s a commodity I don’t have enough of.”
Penny felt her eyes well up. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time they had done so since she had first received her diagnosis.
“I failed, Penny. I failed and I’m sorry.”
Penny gasped, a few tears squeezing out and somehow, she managed to smile, nodding her head, “Sheldon, its okay.”
“No,” he said looking at her, voice empty, “It isn’t.”
She wiped away the tears that had managed to escape, smile still on her face, “How did you…how did you get here?”
“I walked.”
“You walked? This is…its miles from the apartment.”
”Hence why I’m here at night.”
“Sheldon-”
”The walk was good for me,” he insisted, “I’ll live.”
Had those words come from anyone else she might have found the strength to be angry, to be hurt, given her situation. From him, it was just fact. Nothing harmful intended.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to be in here. This late at night. I’m sure it’s past visiting hours.”
“No one said anything when I came in.”
“Oh,” She let out a breath, the smile growing warmer as she reached a hand towards him, holding it out, hoping vainly that he would take it in his own, “I missed you.”
He looked at her hand a moment, but didn’t take it. She let it fall back down to the bed, disappointed but understanding. The silence was deafening. He kept looking at her, then looking away, and then back again, his head moving in these slow, measured actions.
She never looked away from him.
She finally spoke, “You look awful.”
Sheldon sighed, rubbing at his temple, ignoring her, “I’m sure I’ve missed something, Penny. Something important. Something that would…fix this.”
“Fix this?”
“There is always an answer to a problem, Penny. Always some…definitive end. Motion, Penny. Physics is about motion, keeping things in motion,” he sat up, edging closer to her and he waved a hand over her, near her chest, and said, “I’ve got to keep this in motion.”
“Sheldon,” her voice was calm, clear, “Sheldon, you can’t fix this.”
His hand floated away from her and his eyes met hers. She had never really noticed until now how blue his eyes were. They were as blue as the sky - it had been a while since she’d been outside, really seen the sky. This was a nice substitute.
She wanted to voice that, but her throat felt constricted, so, instead, “Have you been sleeping?”
He shook his head, “I’ve been busy.”
“Busy?”
He looked at her, looked at this woman who had been his sunny, bright blonde neighbor. Lying here now, on the hospital bed, she was a pale, pathetic ghost of the person he knew. He hadn’t seen her in weeks, in months, in forever and he hardly recognized her.
She looked fragile. Delicate. Tubes and wires ran all throughout her and her skin seemed translucent. Violet crescents rested under her eyes and it would appear she was not sleeping either, but he knew that wasn’t the truth. Knew it was something far worse and far deeper than that.
And her hair - her lovely, bright, Penny blonde hair - was now nothing more than a cheap facsimile made of synthetic hair. Had this been any other time, any other world, any other place where things were different he would have sat there and told her the origins of wigs and how they were made.
Instead he just looked away from her, unable to bear looking anymore, “I failed you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did…just as I failed my father.”
She didn’t know what to say.
She didn’t know what to say.
He saved her the trouble, “But I won’t give up, Penny. I won’t.”
He said this so firmly, with such overwhelming authority, that she could do nothing else but believe him. He stood up and reached into his pocket. He pulled out something crumpled and pink and she thought she actually heard him curse under his breath when he saw it but she wasn’t sure because then he edged close to her, hovering over, “I brought this for you.”
She recognized the pink, sparkling flower barrette. He gently affixed it the blonde wig she wore, smoothing it out as best as he could, his breath brushing her face as he whispered, “Penny…please…blossom.”
She closed her eyes and licked her lips, whispering back, “I love you.”
His hands left her and his voice cracked, “Penny…we…I mean Leonard and Wolowitz, Koothrappali-”
“No, Sheldon, not…not ‘we’. Not…I love them too, but…not in the same way that I,” she shook her head, “You…just you,” her eyes opened slowly and she looked up at him, “I love you.”
“Penny-”
“I know we never really…we never got the chance to…I just...I wanted you to know.”
Something fell on her then. Something wet and cold and she looked at his face and she reached up a hand, cupping his cheek and he let her.
He let her.
She smiled then, a warm, healthy smile, the best smile she had had since this started and for once she didn’t feel any pain at all, “Kiss me.”
He did.
Author: she_burns1
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,990
Summary: Paradise - I see flowers from the cottage where I lie. - Yaitsu
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The plot is all mine. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Angst. Crazy, crazy angst! If you don’t like angst - don’t read this!
Notes: Leave it to me to take one of the happiest, funniest sitcoms ever and write this. That’s just how I rollins’.
1. Denial
“Penny?”
“Penny?”
“Penny?”
Penny floated in and out of consciousness for a moment, then pressed a hand to her forehead and gave Leonard a weak smile, “Hmm?”
“Penny, I asked if you had any three’s?”
“Huh? Oh,” Penny looked down at her hand of cards, eyes swimming a little and then shook her head, “Yeah, no, no. No three’s. Go fish.”
Leonard reached into the pile of messy cards near her lap and sighed, hands fidgeting, “You know, maybe we should stop…you need your rest.”
“No, no, Leonard, it’s-it’s fine,” Penny pleaded, shrugging listlessly, “’S nothing. Just…I was a little out of it there, for a minute.”
“Because you’re tired,” Leonard stressed, folding his cards together, “Yeah, we should stop. I’ll just clean this up.”
Leonard started collecting all the cards and Penny let out a breath, annoyed with how even the simplest of tasks seemed cumbersome these days, “Are you sure? I was this close to kicking your butt.”
Leonard looked over his glasses, giving her a conspiratorial grin, “Yeah, you were. That’s why I really stopped playing; I didn’t want to deal with you gloating over a landslide victory.”
Penny shook her head; closing her eyes, ignoring how heavy the lids felt as she muttered grumpily, “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t…Leonard, just because I’m…look, I know I’m here,” she waved around the sterile white room, “but…doesn’t mean you have to be overly nice, okay? Can’t we…can’t we just act like we always do?”
“Like we always do?”
“Leonard,” Despite everything, she still did an excellent job of spearing him with one hard glance, “You were kicking my tail just now and you know it. You would have been the one gloating so…you know…”
Leonard’s shoulders rose and fell sheepishly as he finished cleaning up the cards, “Yeah, yeah, okay. Sure. I was winning, but-”
“No, there is no ‘but’, you were winning. Admit it and move on. Just because I’m in this bed doesn’t mean I get special privileges.”
“Penny-”
“It doesn’t,” she stressed, “It doesn’t. Okay. Please?”
“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he repeated, as he swallowed thickly. There was a thick silence and then he spoke, trying his best to be jovial again, “Howard and Raj said they’re coming by tomorrow.”
Penny sat up a little, pleased, “Really?”
“Yeah, they said they’re sorry they haven’t really come by much since…well…you know Howard,” Leonard chuckled nervously, “He’s all ready struck out with most of the nurses here.”
Penny laughed, rolling her eyes, “I can imagine.”
“And Raj is…well, Raj…this is...it’s hard for him.”
“I know.”
“I mean, he’s…it’s not like he’s…unfamiliar with…this sort of thing, but he’s…he doesn’t want you to…you know,” Leonard fumbled with the words and Penny shook her head, saying quietly, “You can tell him…it’s…it’s okay. I don’t-I don’t care if he-”
“He doesn’t want to cry in front of you,” Leonard said firmly, “He doesn’t.”
“Leonard-”
“He knows it’ll make you feel bad-”
“Well, you can tell him breathing feels bad at this point, if that’ll make him feel better,” Penny said this more bitterly than she would have liked, and she could see the effect of it hit Leonard hard, so she tried again, “No, Leonard, really, please…tell him I’d like to see him. No matter what.”
Leonard nodded, swallowing again.
The silence returned, just as awful as before but Penny let it sit a while because she wanted to close her eyes. She had lied before. She was tired. But she didn’t want to sleep. Didn’t want to think about sleeping. About that place in dark, dreaming, sub conscious where you didn’t remember anything…where it was like you didn’t exist.
Instead she forced her eyes to stay open and smoothed down the crisp, standard-hospital-issue sheet over her lap. She tried to reach behind her to adjust her pillow but Leonard, who had just slipped the deck of cards back into his hoodie jacket, stood up and wordlessly began to do it for her.
She thanked him, her voice nothing more than a breath and, once settled; she licked her lips and asked the question that had been nagging her for weeks now, “What about Sheldon?”
Leonard pulled back after adjusting the pillow, hands going into his pockets, “What about him?”
“He hasn’t stopped by. I haven’t-haven’t seen him since-”
“He’s fine,” Leonard offered sharply, a tic forming in his jaw, then, seeing her face, he softened, “He’s…been busy. I’m sure he’ll stop by soon.”
“Is it-” Penny took in another difficult breath, ignoring the pain in her lungs and her spine and her legs and oh yeah, everywhere. Annoyed by this, she continued determinedly, “Is it hard for him, too? Is that why he hasn’t-”
“He’s been busy,” Leonard said again and she could tell by the way he said it that it was something Sheldon had said and something that was definitely a source of heated contestment between the two of them.
“Oh,” she said, then, with a little smile, “Well, I’m sure it’s important. He’ll stop by when he can.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
The moment was interrupted by the nurse coming in. She was all apologetic, but she still scooted a little tray table forward and Leonard looked over its contents dispassionately; he spoke to Penny, not taking his eyes from it, “I should go.”
Penny sighed, “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Nurse Ratchet is here with my daily dose.”
Leonard looked at the nurse, and then at Penny, confused, “I thought her last name was Roberts?”
The nurse looked at him, smiling and shaking her head, “It is, Mr. Leonard. I am Nurse Roberts and Penny, she’s just making a joke. My patient, she thinks she’s so funny.”
“I am so funny,” Penny interjected and she looked down at the tray and then looked away, more content to focus on her forearms. God, they were pale. She hated that. She wondered if she could somehow bribe Nurse Roberts into taking her to a tanning bed.
Her lips quirked at the idea, the short daydream it brought to mind. Then she shook her head and looked at Leonard, “You coming back tomorrow?”
“You bet!”
“…maybe you can bring Sheldon with you.”
Leonard turned and left as Nurse Roberts carefully filled a syringe.
2. Bargaining
“Okay, try one out on me!”
“Penny-”
“Howard,” she said his name with steely resolve, “Please. I have to hear one. Just one.”
He sighed, hands raised in mocked surrender, “All right. But you’re not going to like it-”
“Shoot.”
“What's your diagnosis? I'm a Cancer.”
“Oh god!”
“Howard, Christ!” Leonard hissed.
Penny burst into uncontrollable laughter. She clutched at her sides, shaking her head, trying to speak but finding herself unable to. It felt good to laugh. Leonard relaxed, laughing a little himself and Howard was, well, ‘guffawing’ was the only way to describe it.
Penny wiped at her eyes, “That’s a good one. You…you’re not a Cancer, right? I think …a Taurus?”
Howard shrugged, “I don’t know. Just…I just tried that one. On Nurse Roberts.”
Penny’s giggles returned full force, a hand pressed to her chest, “Oh no! No! Please say you didn’t-”
“Oh, I try a new one on her each time!” Howard said earnestly, “Last week-”
“Yeah, yeah!” Penny goaded.
“Last week, I tried out ‘I’m an organ donor, need anything?’”
Penny tried to stop laughing but it felt near impossible and there was nothing in the world better than that. Howard looked ridiculously pleased with himself and even Leonard was chuckling full force now.
Penny shook her head, clearing her throat as she said smartly, “Next time you should try this one, you should, you should, no, listen, stop laughing! You should try, ‘Have you ever given any thought to being a private nurse?’”
“Too late.”
Penny laughed some more, then broke off into coughs. Instantly Leonard and Howard looked concerned, moving closer to her but she waved them off. She grabbed a glass of water nearby and took a sip, then sighed, fanning herself, “Woo! That…hoo, that was good.”
“That’s what all the ladies say about me,” Howard offered and Penny rolled her eyes, a smile bright on her face, “Sure they do.”
Leonard sighed, shaking his head, “Think I’m going to go check on Raj again. You two keep catching up.”
Penny slowly curled one hand into a fist and, with as much strength as she could manage, waved it at Howard, “Just you and me, huh? Don’t try any funny stuff, mister, or you know what’ll happen.”
“A punch to the face? Penny, please, you’ve all ready had your turn. Try to let someone else have a go.”
Penny’s weak fist fell limply to the bed, coming apart as she sighed, “Howard, Howard, Howard, what am I going to do with you?”
“I have a list.”
“And the jokes keep coming…”
He shrugged, “It…helps.”
“It does. Thank you. I can’t remember the last time I had a good laugh.”
He sat down near her and he looked at her hands a moment or two before boldly taking one of them between his own. She raised an eyebrow, surprised, but let him because he patted it gently, “I promise I’ll try to come by more. Give you some more laughs.”
“I’d like that.”
He drew his hands from hers, and, not looking at her, said quietly, “Jokes in exchange for you getting better. Sound good?”
Penny’s lips quirked in one corner, “I’m trying, sweetie. I sure am trying.”
“I know….just…maybe…try harder?” he offered the last bit lamely and she didn’t know what to add to that. Instead, she found her thoughts floating elsewhere, “Howard?”
“Yes, Penny?”
“Leonard…I’ve asked him but he’s been…sort of dicey about it. I mean, I don’t know if they’re fighting right now or what, but, um, do you know when Sheldon is going to come by?”
Howard didn’t say a word.
Penny pressed on, “’Cause I’d…I’d like to see him.”
Howard’s mouth flapped silently a second, and then he offered, “Raj is going to come in here today. Swear! He’s just…working up to it, you know?”
Penny sighed in defeat, settling for what he gave her, “I know.”
“It’s-it’s been a while since-since he’s seen you.”
“Well, tell him I’m still a natural blonde.”
“I will.”
“And, if he wants, tomorrow I can be a natural brunette.”
“Brunette, huh?”
“Oh yeah, I got a whole collection. Blonde, brunette, redhead…whatever you want.”
“I think I prefer Penny blonde.”
“Penny blonde, huh?”
“It’s how I remember-” Howard stopped short, tugged at his collar and tried again, “Blonde, Penny. Just blonde.”
“Hmm.”
“Your…family been by?”
“Yeah, they’re staying down here full force right now. My dad bought me a new catcher’s mitt.”
“For real?”
Penny’s eyes cast to one side of her bed and Howard suddenly noticed the catcher’s mitt resting there. He picked it up, looking it over with some amusement, “Nice.”
“He got it signed.”
“’To Slugger’.”
“That’s me.”
“Wow…nice.”
“Mom got the balloons and the teddy bear over there in the corner, but no flowers. Can you believe that? Number one thing to bring someone in the hospital and I have yet to see one flower,” Penny sighed and shook her head before moving on, “Still, been getting some nice swag regardless, like my cousin-”
“Cousin?”
“Yeah, my cousin, Fiona; we were pretty close as kids so she feels the need to-”
“Is she hot?”
Penny laughed again.
3. Depression
“Hey, sweetie.”
Raj didn’t say a word. He just looked at her, eyes dark and hollow.
“It’s okay, I can do all the talking, trust me,” Penny laughed, then winced (god, she wished she could hide that better), and then feebly waved a hand near her bedside, “Come on, have a seat, I’ll tell you all about my entire life from beginning to end.”
She saw his back stiffen at her last word and sighed, “Come on, Raj, please sit down.”
Raj took a seat and she looked down at him, smiling softly, “That’s better. Now, how’ve you been? Oh, yeah, right, okay, well…um…how about I make it up for you? Okay, well, you’ve been good, good. Made some big new discoveries in the field of…what science do you do? I’ve forgotten…”
He pointed upwards and she sighed, “Oh, yeah, okay, so the stars…something with them and science and it’s awesome, right? So you’ve been working on that and then, what? That ‘Terminator’ girl…Summer Glue or whatever, she tracked you down, and she said something to you like ‘Oh, Raj, you sexy beast! I used all my Hollywood connections to find you because of our magic moment on the train and now I want to have my dirty, dirty way with you right here in this lab!’”
She looked at him, hoping for a reaction and was pleased to see a smile tugging at his lips, “Ah ha! I knew it! Good going, Raj! I’m proud of you!”
Raj just shook his head and then took in that telltale shaky breath and she scrambled for something, anything, to help, “No, look, hey, Raj, it’s…let’s talk about something else. All right? How-how about that, um, Doctor Who? I mean, okay, sorry, I don’t know much about that show-”
Raj let out a deep breath and his eyes were watering but he kept it at bay and, as she looked at him, she sighed, voice quiet, “I’m glad you came to see me, Raj.”
He nodded weakly.
“I’m also…okay, this is going to sound totally self-serving but…I’m also glad to see you alone because…I’ve been alone with Howard and Leonard and neither of them will tell me…Sheldon, Raj…I haven’t seen Sheldon. Leonard says he’s busy and Howard, Howard just grunts and changes the subject and I just…I’d-I’d like to see him and I thought…maybe you could get to him and, and maybe get him to come...”
He pointed to himself, eyes wide and less glazed and she was grateful for that, so she pressed on, “Yeah, yeah - you, Raj. I mean, I don’t know. I get this impression that you might… be good with him. Maybe better than Leonard. Especially right now. I know that seems ridiculous because you barely talk to me but…I just…I thought maybe you could get him to come. I’d really like to see him.”
Raj looked at her, eyes completely dry now, determined, and he nodded firmly and she brightened, giving him her best smile, “Aw, thanks, sweetie! See, this is what Summer sees in you, you are one sexy, sexy beast!”
4. Anger
“…says Bell, who provides the voice of the unseen title character on the CW’s ‘Gossip Girl’ and stars in the upcoming comedy ‘When in Rome’ with Josh Duhamel-”
“Leonard.”
“…and her’, wait, what?” Leonard blinked suddenly realizing that Penny had spoken to him. Her eyes had been closed long enough that he thought she had drifted off to sleep.
“Leonard.”
“Oh, Penny, hey,” his voice was quiet as he closed the magazine in front of him, “I thought you had fallen asleep.”
“No.”
“Oh, okay, do you - do you want me to keep reading?”
“No.”
“Really? I thought you wanted to hear all about Kristen Bell and her décor ideas-”
“Leonard, sweetie, please, I know you don’t really want to read that InStyle magazine article to me.”
“What? No! I’m enjoying it! Really! It’s fascinating how she hangs her drapes when she’s not on set-”
“Honey, please,” Penny sighed, her eyelids fluttering because, yes, she had almost been asleep but she had never gotten a decent answer to her earlier question, so she tried again, “Please tell me what happened to your face.”
“What, this?” Leonard gently prodded the cut on his lip and shrugged, “It’s nothing.”
“Leonard.”
“I…slipped and fell.” He offered sheepishly.
“Leonard.”
He let out a groan and twisted the magazine in his hands, “Okay, okay…look…I didn’t want to burden you with this but, I mean, things haven’t been so good at home.”
“Oh?”
“Yeeeah. Actually….I’ve been staying with Howard.”
“Howard?!”
“Well I’d rather stay with Raj but he’s been…it’s…I don’t understand him, Penny. I really don’t. Taking his side and all-”
”Wait, whose side?”
Leonard’s jaw set, that tic back again, “Sheldon.”
“Sheldon?”
”I tried, Penny, Jesus, I tried to get him to come here, okay? But he’s just - I mean, you know him, he’s impossible! He’s always been a pain in the neck, but this-”
“He…doesn’t want to come?”
“It’s not that…he doesn’t…he…look, I just, I don’t want to talk about it, all right?!”
Penny leaned back a little, startled by the venom in his voice, and offered a quiet, “Okay.”
All the heat left him and Leonard slumped in his seat. He tossed the magazine aside and ran his hands over his face, “I’m…Penny…Howard, Raj, and I…we’re here for you.”
“I know.”
“And I’m…I’m sorry that Sheldon isn’t.”
“It’s…Leonard, its okay.”
“No. No, it is not okay.”
“Leonard, if he’s not ready-”
“He’ll never be ready,” Leonard muttered, and then, “None of us will be.”
“Oh Leonard…”
Leonard pressed one of his hands over his eyes, wiping at them as subtly as he could, and then looked at her, “Penny.”
“Leonard.”
“I…you know how I felt…how I still feel, right?”
“Leonard-”
“Maybe, I mean, I am back together with Stephanie…this whole thing, we…you know, we reconnected-”
“And I’m happy about that.”
“I am too. I am. But then...I’m not, because-”
“Leonard, shh, no, hey, hey, don’t-don’t feel guilty. I mean, I’m glad. Really. Glad and happy and thankful. She’s great, you know, I mean, she comes by and visits sometimes and she’s…I like her. I really do.”
“Penny-”
”Leonard…you and me, we, we just…I don’t think it would have ever…gone that way. You know? But…I mean, I do love you, Leonard. As a friend. I always will. And I want you to be happy.”
Leonard let out a sound that she was sure was a sob and he tried to cover it with a cough. She let him.
5. Acceptance
Penny blinked in the darkness.
She wondered what time it was and wondered why she woke up in the middle of the night when she realized someone was sitting in the chair next to her bed. She blinked some more, trying to adjust her eyes to the night. She looked the person over and whispered cautiously, “Sheldon?”
“I’ve tried, Penny.”
Penny blinked some more and reached a hand haphazardly to one side of her hospital bed, searching for the light. He sat up and, in one smooth, efficient motion, clicked on the lamp near her beside. The room was still muted in shadows but there was a little light now, the lamp putting out a weak amber glow.
He reclined back in the chair, fingers linked, pressed to his lips as he looked at her. There was a horrid, black bruise above his left cheek bone and, even in the bad lighting, she could make out his eyes - they looked bloodshot, red rimmed.
Sheldon licked his lips, hands lowering and he wouldn’t look at her, voice a hollow caricature of its normal tone, “I’ve tried, Penny, and I’ve failed. I’ve failed.”
“Sheldon-”
“I’ve failed,” he said this quiet and cold, a strange air behind it, as if the words, the very idea, was alien to him, “I’ve done graphs. I’ve done charts. My whiteboard is covered in equations and nothing, nothing seems to…I can’t find the answer. The lab work I’ve done is inconclusive and all the other experiments, other hypothesizes, I’ve come up with…they’re fruitless.”
She kept her mouth shut, just looking at him while he continued to not look at her, his eyes staring off into some far off place she couldn’t see, much less imagine, “Physics, is, at its heart, the study of matter and motion. Energy and force and…I’m missing something. Some key, some focus, some…it’s just out of my reach.”
“I’m sure you’ll find it.”
Sheldon finally looked at Penny and it was almost like he looked through her and then she realized he looked lost as he said, “I won’t find it in time.”
Penny’s breath caught, heart squeezing, “Sheldon…”
“I couldn’t be bothered with banalities, Penny. Don’t you understand? I couldn’t just come here and sit in this place and talk to you. Watch television with you. Play card games with you. Pass pointless time with you. Time is too precious for that, Penny, far, far too precious and it’s a commodity I don’t have enough of.”
Penny felt her eyes well up. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time they had done so since she had first received her diagnosis.
“I failed, Penny. I failed and I’m sorry.”
Penny gasped, a few tears squeezing out and somehow, she managed to smile, nodding her head, “Sheldon, its okay.”
“No,” he said looking at her, voice empty, “It isn’t.”
She wiped away the tears that had managed to escape, smile still on her face, “How did you…how did you get here?”
“I walked.”
“You walked? This is…its miles from the apartment.”
”Hence why I’m here at night.”
“Sheldon-”
”The walk was good for me,” he insisted, “I’ll live.”
Had those words come from anyone else she might have found the strength to be angry, to be hurt, given her situation. From him, it was just fact. Nothing harmful intended.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to be in here. This late at night. I’m sure it’s past visiting hours.”
“No one said anything when I came in.”
“Oh,” She let out a breath, the smile growing warmer as she reached a hand towards him, holding it out, hoping vainly that he would take it in his own, “I missed you.”
He looked at her hand a moment, but didn’t take it. She let it fall back down to the bed, disappointed but understanding. The silence was deafening. He kept looking at her, then looking away, and then back again, his head moving in these slow, measured actions.
She never looked away from him.
She finally spoke, “You look awful.”
Sheldon sighed, rubbing at his temple, ignoring her, “I’m sure I’ve missed something, Penny. Something important. Something that would…fix this.”
“Fix this?”
“There is always an answer to a problem, Penny. Always some…definitive end. Motion, Penny. Physics is about motion, keeping things in motion,” he sat up, edging closer to her and he waved a hand over her, near her chest, and said, “I’ve got to keep this in motion.”
“Sheldon,” her voice was calm, clear, “Sheldon, you can’t fix this.”
His hand floated away from her and his eyes met hers. She had never really noticed until now how blue his eyes were. They were as blue as the sky - it had been a while since she’d been outside, really seen the sky. This was a nice substitute.
She wanted to voice that, but her throat felt constricted, so, instead, “Have you been sleeping?”
He shook his head, “I’ve been busy.”
“Busy?”
He looked at her, looked at this woman who had been his sunny, bright blonde neighbor. Lying here now, on the hospital bed, she was a pale, pathetic ghost of the person he knew. He hadn’t seen her in weeks, in months, in forever and he hardly recognized her.
She looked fragile. Delicate. Tubes and wires ran all throughout her and her skin seemed translucent. Violet crescents rested under her eyes and it would appear she was not sleeping either, but he knew that wasn’t the truth. Knew it was something far worse and far deeper than that.
And her hair - her lovely, bright, Penny blonde hair - was now nothing more than a cheap facsimile made of synthetic hair. Had this been any other time, any other world, any other place where things were different he would have sat there and told her the origins of wigs and how they were made.
Instead he just looked away from her, unable to bear looking anymore, “I failed you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did…just as I failed my father.”
She didn’t know what to say.
She didn’t know what to say.
He saved her the trouble, “But I won’t give up, Penny. I won’t.”
He said this so firmly, with such overwhelming authority, that she could do nothing else but believe him. He stood up and reached into his pocket. He pulled out something crumpled and pink and she thought she actually heard him curse under his breath when he saw it but she wasn’t sure because then he edged close to her, hovering over, “I brought this for you.”
She recognized the pink, sparkling flower barrette. He gently affixed it the blonde wig she wore, smoothing it out as best as he could, his breath brushing her face as he whispered, “Penny…please…blossom.”
She closed her eyes and licked her lips, whispering back, “I love you.”
His hands left her and his voice cracked, “Penny…we…I mean Leonard and Wolowitz, Koothrappali-”
“No, Sheldon, not…not ‘we’. Not…I love them too, but…not in the same way that I,” she shook her head, “You…just you,” her eyes opened slowly and she looked up at him, “I love you.”
“Penny-”
“I know we never really…we never got the chance to…I just...I wanted you to know.”
Something fell on her then. Something wet and cold and she looked at his face and she reached up a hand, cupping his cheek and he let her.
He let her.
She smiled then, a warm, healthy smile, the best smile she had had since this started and for once she didn’t feel any pain at all, “Kiss me.”
He did.