Fic: you don't have to put on the red light, epilogue
Title: you don't have to put on the red light
epilogue
Author: she_burns1
Pairing: Bret/Jemaine
Rating: R?
Summary: Bret hires Jemaine to be his ‘companion’.
Disclaimer: I do not own the ‘Flight of the Conchords’ or anything connected with them
Notes: *sob* Now it really is over. All loose ends tied up here! And another special guest star!
Back to: Part 15, Part 14, Part 13, Part 12, Part 11, Part 10, Part 9, Part 8, Part 7, Part 6, Part 5, Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1
It was a beautiful, bright day outside and Jemaine and Bret exited their apartment building holding hands. They hadn’t gotten down the steps far when they heard a cheerful, “Hey guys!”
But, to their surprise, instead of finding Mel waiting for them, Miss Kelly Adams stood there, a cheery smile on her face. They both returned the smile, Jemaine in particular, who said kindly, “Miss Ad-Kelly. Good to see you.”
“And you,” Kelly spied their locked hands and smiled, “I see all went well.”
Jemaine scratched at the back of his head and shrugged as an answer. Bret just sort of looked away, a terrible blush forming. Kelly giggled, “Good, good! Glad it worked out. Figured it did…I haven’t seen you since that night and I’ve been…around.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, actually, my friend here,” Kelly jerked a thumb over her shoulder and Bret and Jemaine both became aware of a tall and handsome man behind Kelly, “Was just some insurance I had come around with me.”
Jemaine looked the man up and down. He was, as earlier noted, attractive. With honey colored skin and dark hair and eyes, his body in excellent shape. However, he also looked a little…air headed and Jemaine frowned, confused, “Insurance?”
“Yeah, you know…in case you and Bret didn’t work out. Terry’s been looking for somebody, haven’t you, Terry?”
It took Terry a few minutes to realize he was being spoken to and, once he did, he just sort of blinked, “Huh? What?”
Kelly rolled her eyes and brought a hand up to shield her mouth, talking directly to Bret and Jemaine, “Terry’s a dear, but he’s not all…you know…home upstairs. I guess that’s the price of being a male model. Got him into trouble more than once, let me tell you. What with the former drug dependency and all…”
Jemaine didn’t know what to say in response to that but didn’t have to, as another, ‘Hey guys!’, rang out and everyone turned to see Mel coming in the other direction. She was all beaming smiles and waving as she got closer, “Hey! Kel! You made it!”
Jemaine looked from Mel to Kelly and back again, confused, “You…you’re…glad to see her?”
Mel scoffed, rolling her eyes, “Well du-uh, silly, she’s only my new BFF!”
“BFF?” Bret asked.
Mel sighed, shaking her head, “Yeah, of course, I mean, well, you know, we had our troubles at first,” Kelly nodded in agreement here as Mel continued, “But then it turned out we have completely separate interests.”
Kelly let out a girlish laugh, pointing to Bret and Jemaine, “She thought I liked you guys. As in like like you.”
Mel snorted a little at this, “Yeah, I know, silly, right?! I mean, I should have known better-”
“I know!” Kelly agreed and both girls dissolved into a laughter that made Bret and Jemaine uncomfortable. Terry just continued to look pretty and confused. Kelly was the first to speak again, “Anyway! Mel found out I’m a teacher and, I mean, you know how she works for the university in the psychology department so, similar fields - we totally hit it off!”
“Yeah, been hanging out ever since,” Mel confessed and smiled brightly, “Mel and Kel.”
“Kel and Mel.” Kelly returned.
Bret and Jemaine looked a bit sick now. Terry continued to look pretty and confused - it was sort of his thing. Mel noticed Bret and Jemaine’s clasped hands and took in a sharp breath, “Boys?!”
Bret’s hand sort of squirmed, considering slipping from Jemaine’s, but Jemaine just tightened his grip, voice as confidant as he could muster, “Sorry, Mel, but Bret and I have to go…have a meeting with Murray. Miss Adams, Terry, good to, um, yeah,” Jemaine drew out the last word as he dragged Bret off behind him.
Mel had a hand pressed to her chest, eyes as big as saucers and Kelly shook her head, chuckling as she patted Mel’s shoulder, “Don’t worry…I’ll tell you all about it. Now come on, I’ve got to take Terry back to that street corner where I found him…”
88888888888
“Bret, Jemaine, this is a pleasant surprise! There’s no band meeting today. Just come here to send me off, have you?”
“Send you off?” Bret asked with some confusion.
“Yes, don’t you remember? I told you both last I spoke to you that there would be no band meetings this week. Jim and I are going camping. We’re braving the wilds of New Jersey! Should be quite a dangerous trek!”
Bret frowned, he didn’t remember this at all, “Oh no, Murray, sorry, forgot.”
Murray looked a bit hurt, “Oh? Really?”
“We’ve, um, been a bit distracted,” Jemaine confessed and he squeezed Bret’s hand. Murray, not noticing the hand holding, was about to say more when suddenly Dave showed up in his doorway holding two large bags, “Oh! Hey bros, didn’t know you all would be here.”
“Dave?” Jemaine and Bret said in simultaneous surprise, neither of them having ever seen Dave in this particular setting.
Dave looked disgusted as he rolled his shoulders, scowling, “Yeah, hey, serious, I leave my mo - roommate in charge of the shop for like, five seconds, so I can clean out the mini fridge and she ends up selling a fuckload of camping shit to this ginger-bitch here. And then she tells him I’ll deliver his shit later ‘cuz he’s too much of a pussy to carry it all-”
“David! I am not a-a…what-have-you,” Murray admonished, shifting on his feet where he stood, “You know I have a bad back…not to mention I was in a hurry. Had to get here and finish up some paperwork before-”
“Yeah, yeah, right, don’t give a shit,” Dave grumbled, tossing the bags unceremoniously on top of Murray’s desk, his expression aggrieved as he muttered, “Also, Mom, I mean, fuck, my roommate, said she thought…fuck…she thought the knitted underpants your fucktard boyfriend brought by were…‘cute’…said she wants him to bring by a lot more later…”
“Jim brought his knitted underwear by the Pawn Shop?” Bret questioned, one eyebrow raised, a look of mild displeasure on his face.
Dave groaned and nodded, folding his arms, “Yeah. He came in with Murray - they picked out their broke back camping shit together and, while he was there, he decided to do a lil’ business ploy with my roommate and she fell for it. So now, I gotta sell that creepy ass knitted shit in my store.”
Jemaine frowned, confused, “Your mom has a say in what you sell in the store?”
“My mom?” Dave asked blankly, arms unfolding so he could hold his palms up, his face incredulous, “Dude, do I look like the kind of guy who works for his Mommie? Please…shit,” Dave shook his head, then muttered under his breath, “My roommate owns the store and I run it for her, ‘cause her ass is too old to do that sort of shit…nothing wrong with working for your roommate…”
Bret and Jemaine looked at one another knowingly when Dave suddenly pointed to their joined hands, “Oh. Well. Nice. You both worked out your shit. Good deal…just, you know, don’t-don’t let me see you doing any more shit than that. For real, you two start groping on one another in front of me, and serious, I’ll beat the tar out of both of you.”
Murray looked confused at this comment and then finally noticed Bret and Jemaine holding hands. However, this didn’t really clear up his confusion. If anything, it added to it.
Jemaine, however, just sort of smiled and nodded, as did Bret, who, not knowing until this moment that Dave knew, looked at his feet with great absorption, afraid that if he looked up and met his friend’s eyes he would turn an even greater shade of pink.
Dave sighed and shook his head, “If you bitches come by later, remind me to give you something. My roommate had another tape fuck up on her in the VCR and I thought you’d might like it.”
Jemaine pushed up his glasses with his free hand, “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. ‘Pretty Woman’. Nice, right? Fits you two to a ‘T’. ‘S all about a prostitute who runs off with her john and has the happily ever after shit. Me? I wouldn’t tap Julia Roberts…not with that mouth. It’s like a hover. I’m scared she’d suck my shit right off…and not in a good way. Though, you know, I might snow plow her…oh, and on that note, thank that Miss Lesbian…that French or whatever-the-hell chick she hooked me up with? TOTALLY snow plowed her…she even let me do the ol’ alligator fuckhouse…can you believe that?”
Jemaine, Bret, and Murray all look universally horrified at this and Dave just shrugged again, pointing once more to Bret and Jemaine’s joined hands, “Yeah, well, you know, I’ll see you guys later…make sure you invite me to the wedding.”
Dave left and Murray looked at their joined hands, blinking, “What wedding is he talking about?”
Bret and Jemaine looked at one another, then at Murray, and then held up their joined hands. Murray looked at their hands, still not catching on, as he said, “Yes, I see you're holding hands. So? You making sure you don’t lose one another? Nothing wrong with that. I always tell visiting New Zealanders they should hold hands here in New York, its sound advice for-”
Jemaine rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he and Bret lowered their hands, Jemaine said dryly, “Murray, maybe you’d like to pull out your notepad. We need to tell you something.”
Murray looked concerned, "Really? What is it…you seem serious…is one of you in some…legal trouble…”
“No, Murray, here,” Bret let go of Jemaine’s hand and took up his notepad. He scribbled on it a few minutes and then handed it to Murray, “There. I marked the items for you.”
Murray looked at the notepad, then shrugging, picked it up, comforted, as he cleared his throat, “Okay, all right…just a quick meeting though. An…emergency one-”
“Of a personal nature.” Bret tossed in.
Murray’s head reared back a moment, but then he merely nodded, “All right…an emergency personal meeting. Bret?”
“Present.”
“Jemaine?”
“Present.”
“And Murray, present…all right, item one here says, ‘Bret finished spending his money’. Oh! Bret! Good for you, I suppose…hopefully your purchases weren’t all frivolous.”
Bret took Jemaine’s hand again, squeezing it meaningfully and Jemaine felt his heart skip a beat as Bret breathed, “No. They weren’t.”
Murray continued, “All right, let’s see here then, item two, ‘dating…both Bret and Jemaine are…dating’. Ah! Fellas! What did I tell you about dating and being in a band! They don’t mix!”
“Keep reading, Murray,” Bret urged.
Murray sighed, unhappy, but continued, announcing, “’Item three, Bret is in love with Jemaine.’”
Murray opened his mouth, ready to say something when suddenly the words he had read aloud sunk in. He looked so thunderstruck that Bret couldn’t help but smirk, saying encouragingly, “Keep going, Murray, you’re doing great…”
Murray’s mouth flapped silently and he returned his eyes to the paper, trying to find some solid ground, gasping, “Item four…Jemaine is…in love…with Bret…”
Jemaine smiled and turned, kissing Bret’s cheek, saying softly, “I am.”
Bret just shook his head, delirious happy as he pointed a finger at the pad, “Good job, Murray, just one more…”
“Item…five…Bret and…Jemaine are…dating…each other…that’s redundant…in light of item…two…Bret! Jemaine!” Murray snapped both of their names out in alarm, his eyes darting between the two of them, then, finally, taking in, and understanding, their clasped hands, “You two aren’t…you can’t be…”
“Oh, we are.” Bret said crisply.
“And we can be.” Jemaine added.
“But…you two…I…it’s,” Murray dissolved into disgruntled noises until he managed to finally string a coherent sentence together, “I don’t think it’s even legal in this state! Is it?! I think you can…only…be like that in Nevada! California! San Diego…West Virginia…”
Jemaine and Bret were both shaking their heads and Murray found his seat, sitting in it numbly. He looked at them and their hands again and sighed, rubbing at his forehead, “Well...least this explains why that book publisher wanted to sell the autobiography about the two of you as gay literature…”
Jemaine sighed, “Sorry, Murray…well, mean, I’m not sorry…’bout being in love with Bret because I am, but, sorry for…you know…steamrolling you with it.”
Murray raised an eyebrow, looking slightly anxious, “Steamrolling…isn’t like an-an alligator…house…thing…is it?”
Jemaine recoiled, looking sick, “Aw! God! No!”
Murray looked a bit relieved, then, taking in Bret and Jemaine’s faces once more, he gave them a small smile, “Are you…you both look…happy.”
Bret and Jemaine looked at one another, smiled brightly, and then looked back at Murray, Bret saying easily, “We are happy.”
Murray sighed and rose to his feet, “Then…I’m happy for you…assuming this doesn’t break up the band…”
“It won’t.” Jemaine said firmly.
“Got a new song in the works and everything.” Bret added.
“…’s not about…alligators or-or bumming or what have you…” Murray asked suspiciously.
“No.” Bret and Jemaine said in simultaneous agreement.
Murray looked pleased, “Good, good…well…good then. I guess when I get back we can talk more about it,” he pressed a finger to his lips in thought, “Maybe…there’s a way I could spin this…get us some gigs at some new venues…how do you both feel about the YMCA? I hear they really like the gays there, this whole subculture with a song or some thing…”
“We’ll…we’ll talk about it when you get back.”
“Ah, yes, right then!” Murray said and he watched as Bret and Jemaine turned to leave, tossing out, “Bret, watch out for Jemaine! Jemaine, watch out for Bret! I’m…I’m sure you will now…in light of recent…events…”
Both Bret and Jemaine exited the office leaving a stunned, but, oddly happy, Murray. He took his seat back at his desk, still reeling a bit, when suddenly Bret stuck his head around the door, “Hey, Murray?”
“Yes, Bret?”
“If…if you do decide to sell the book…which um, by the way you shouldn’t…but…I thought, maybe for a title…you could call it ‘Flight of the Conchords: Don’t Wait on This One’…just a thought.”
88888888888
To say Bret and Jemaine were making out on the bus was something of an understatement. Once again they had the vehicle mostly to themselves (the driver was upfront, naturally, but he seemed to be distracted by cursing in his native tongue at other various drivers on the road) and they sat in the back, mouths hungry, hands clutching greedily at one another.
“…can’t….can’t-oh-believe we…waited...mmm…this long…to do this,” Bret managed between kisses, his body wriggling impatiently against Jemaine’s.
“…know…could’ve…could’ve been making out…oh…yeah…months…years ago…”
“…got to…get home…have to…need-”
“Uh huh,” Jemaine agreed and he felt the whole bus shudder. He tried to peek out the window but it was rather difficult with Bret practically wrapped around him. He managed to see their stop and he pulled away reluctantly, “We’re…almost home.”
“Good,” Bret purred, his eyes dark, his mouth edging towards Jemaine’s ear, tongue licking it as he whispered wickedly, “Just wait ‘till I get you upstairs…”
Jemaine shivered, voice shaky with a mix of anticipation and humor, “Jesus, Bret…you’re insatiable.”
Bret just eased even closer, breath hot, “I’m going to get you off…”
Jemaine just moaned, because there was no other proper response, and as the bus came to a halt, Jemaine took Bret’s hand and squeezed it hard, before using it as a lifeline to hurriedly drag him off the bus. The pair rushed up into the building, the elevator not fast enough and, once on their floor, were prepared to make a break for their front door when they noticed a box sitting in front of it.
Surprised, their fervor cooled a bit, and Bret picked up the box carefully. They entered the apartment and set it on the kitchen table. They both looked at it apprehensively, Jemaine speaking first, “We…going to open it?”
“Don’t know.”
“You…you think it’s…something scary. Something from Mel?”
“…don’t know.”
Jemaine took in a loud breath through his nose, then walked bravely forward and opened it, he pulled out a carefully folded white note and read it aloud, “’Thanks for a warm welcome to the neighborhood, Sid and Nancy.’”
Bret reached into the box and drew out two nice, and very expensive looking, binoculars. Jemaine paled, “Oh god…they-they knew we were…watching them.”
Bret blinked, set one of the binoculars down, and, with the other, turned it over in his hands a few minutes before trying them out, “…and…they must have liked it…these are really nice.”
Jemaine picked up his pair and tried them out, surprised to see that they were, indeed, really nice.
He set his down and looked at Bret, his expression smoky, voice rough edged, “Well…only fair if we even the score.”
Bret looked at him and, seeing his expression, swallowed thickly, “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Jemaine came forward and cupped Bret’s face in his hands, his head tilting to one side as he came in for a kiss, “Let’s give them a show…”
88888888888
Later, sated and cuddled up on the couch, their clothes messy piles around the living room, a blanket wrapped around them, Jemaine saw ‘Alice in Wonderland’ lying on the floor and, with an eagerness that parallel to that of a child on Christmas, he snatched it up and pushed it towards Bret, “Come on then! We’re right at the end!”
Smirking, Bret took the book and, clearing his throat, began to read aloud, “Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make THEIR eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days.”
Bret closed the book and Jemaine sighed happily, “I like that book…it has a good ending…”
Bret smiled lazily, still tired from the earlier activities and he eased forward to give Jemaine a long, slow, languid kiss. He drew back, planted a second, even softer kiss, and then whispered, “Me too.”
epilogue
Author: she_burns1
Pairing: Bret/Jemaine
Rating: R?
Summary: Bret hires Jemaine to be his ‘companion’.
Disclaimer: I do not own the ‘Flight of the Conchords’ or anything connected with them
Notes: *sob* Now it really is over. All loose ends tied up here! And another special guest star!
Back to: Part 15, Part 14, Part 13, Part 12, Part 11, Part 10, Part 9, Part 8, Part 7, Part 6, Part 5, Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1
It was a beautiful, bright day outside and Jemaine and Bret exited their apartment building holding hands. They hadn’t gotten down the steps far when they heard a cheerful, “Hey guys!”
But, to their surprise, instead of finding Mel waiting for them, Miss Kelly Adams stood there, a cheery smile on her face. They both returned the smile, Jemaine in particular, who said kindly, “Miss Ad-Kelly. Good to see you.”
“And you,” Kelly spied their locked hands and smiled, “I see all went well.”
Jemaine scratched at the back of his head and shrugged as an answer. Bret just sort of looked away, a terrible blush forming. Kelly giggled, “Good, good! Glad it worked out. Figured it did…I haven’t seen you since that night and I’ve been…around.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, actually, my friend here,” Kelly jerked a thumb over her shoulder and Bret and Jemaine both became aware of a tall and handsome man behind Kelly, “Was just some insurance I had come around with me.”
Jemaine looked the man up and down. He was, as earlier noted, attractive. With honey colored skin and dark hair and eyes, his body in excellent shape. However, he also looked a little…air headed and Jemaine frowned, confused, “Insurance?”
“Yeah, you know…in case you and Bret didn’t work out. Terry’s been looking for somebody, haven’t you, Terry?”
It took Terry a few minutes to realize he was being spoken to and, once he did, he just sort of blinked, “Huh? What?”
Kelly rolled her eyes and brought a hand up to shield her mouth, talking directly to Bret and Jemaine, “Terry’s a dear, but he’s not all…you know…home upstairs. I guess that’s the price of being a male model. Got him into trouble more than once, let me tell you. What with the former drug dependency and all…”
Jemaine didn’t know what to say in response to that but didn’t have to, as another, ‘Hey guys!’, rang out and everyone turned to see Mel coming in the other direction. She was all beaming smiles and waving as she got closer, “Hey! Kel! You made it!”
Jemaine looked from Mel to Kelly and back again, confused, “You…you’re…glad to see her?”
Mel scoffed, rolling her eyes, “Well du-uh, silly, she’s only my new BFF!”
“BFF?” Bret asked.
Mel sighed, shaking her head, “Yeah, of course, I mean, well, you know, we had our troubles at first,” Kelly nodded in agreement here as Mel continued, “But then it turned out we have completely separate interests.”
Kelly let out a girlish laugh, pointing to Bret and Jemaine, “She thought I liked you guys. As in like like you.”
Mel snorted a little at this, “Yeah, I know, silly, right?! I mean, I should have known better-”
“I know!” Kelly agreed and both girls dissolved into a laughter that made Bret and Jemaine uncomfortable. Terry just continued to look pretty and confused. Kelly was the first to speak again, “Anyway! Mel found out I’m a teacher and, I mean, you know how she works for the university in the psychology department so, similar fields - we totally hit it off!”
“Yeah, been hanging out ever since,” Mel confessed and smiled brightly, “Mel and Kel.”
“Kel and Mel.” Kelly returned.
Bret and Jemaine looked a bit sick now. Terry continued to look pretty and confused - it was sort of his thing. Mel noticed Bret and Jemaine’s clasped hands and took in a sharp breath, “Boys?!”
Bret’s hand sort of squirmed, considering slipping from Jemaine’s, but Jemaine just tightened his grip, voice as confidant as he could muster, “Sorry, Mel, but Bret and I have to go…have a meeting with Murray. Miss Adams, Terry, good to, um, yeah,” Jemaine drew out the last word as he dragged Bret off behind him.
Mel had a hand pressed to her chest, eyes as big as saucers and Kelly shook her head, chuckling as she patted Mel’s shoulder, “Don’t worry…I’ll tell you all about it. Now come on, I’ve got to take Terry back to that street corner where I found him…”
88888888888
“Bret, Jemaine, this is a pleasant surprise! There’s no band meeting today. Just come here to send me off, have you?”
“Send you off?” Bret asked with some confusion.
“Yes, don’t you remember? I told you both last I spoke to you that there would be no band meetings this week. Jim and I are going camping. We’re braving the wilds of New Jersey! Should be quite a dangerous trek!”
Bret frowned, he didn’t remember this at all, “Oh no, Murray, sorry, forgot.”
Murray looked a bit hurt, “Oh? Really?”
“We’ve, um, been a bit distracted,” Jemaine confessed and he squeezed Bret’s hand. Murray, not noticing the hand holding, was about to say more when suddenly Dave showed up in his doorway holding two large bags, “Oh! Hey bros, didn’t know you all would be here.”
“Dave?” Jemaine and Bret said in simultaneous surprise, neither of them having ever seen Dave in this particular setting.
Dave looked disgusted as he rolled his shoulders, scowling, “Yeah, hey, serious, I leave my mo - roommate in charge of the shop for like, five seconds, so I can clean out the mini fridge and she ends up selling a fuckload of camping shit to this ginger-bitch here. And then she tells him I’ll deliver his shit later ‘cuz he’s too much of a pussy to carry it all-”
“David! I am not a-a…what-have-you,” Murray admonished, shifting on his feet where he stood, “You know I have a bad back…not to mention I was in a hurry. Had to get here and finish up some paperwork before-”
“Yeah, yeah, right, don’t give a shit,” Dave grumbled, tossing the bags unceremoniously on top of Murray’s desk, his expression aggrieved as he muttered, “Also, Mom, I mean, fuck, my roommate, said she thought…fuck…she thought the knitted underpants your fucktard boyfriend brought by were…‘cute’…said she wants him to bring by a lot more later…”
“Jim brought his knitted underwear by the Pawn Shop?” Bret questioned, one eyebrow raised, a look of mild displeasure on his face.
Dave groaned and nodded, folding his arms, “Yeah. He came in with Murray - they picked out their broke back camping shit together and, while he was there, he decided to do a lil’ business ploy with my roommate and she fell for it. So now, I gotta sell that creepy ass knitted shit in my store.”
Jemaine frowned, confused, “Your mom has a say in what you sell in the store?”
“My mom?” Dave asked blankly, arms unfolding so he could hold his palms up, his face incredulous, “Dude, do I look like the kind of guy who works for his Mommie? Please…shit,” Dave shook his head, then muttered under his breath, “My roommate owns the store and I run it for her, ‘cause her ass is too old to do that sort of shit…nothing wrong with working for your roommate…”
Bret and Jemaine looked at one another knowingly when Dave suddenly pointed to their joined hands, “Oh. Well. Nice. You both worked out your shit. Good deal…just, you know, don’t-don’t let me see you doing any more shit than that. For real, you two start groping on one another in front of me, and serious, I’ll beat the tar out of both of you.”
Murray looked confused at this comment and then finally noticed Bret and Jemaine holding hands. However, this didn’t really clear up his confusion. If anything, it added to it.
Jemaine, however, just sort of smiled and nodded, as did Bret, who, not knowing until this moment that Dave knew, looked at his feet with great absorption, afraid that if he looked up and met his friend’s eyes he would turn an even greater shade of pink.
Dave sighed and shook his head, “If you bitches come by later, remind me to give you something. My roommate had another tape fuck up on her in the VCR and I thought you’d might like it.”
Jemaine pushed up his glasses with his free hand, “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. ‘Pretty Woman’. Nice, right? Fits you two to a ‘T’. ‘S all about a prostitute who runs off with her john and has the happily ever after shit. Me? I wouldn’t tap Julia Roberts…not with that mouth. It’s like a hover. I’m scared she’d suck my shit right off…and not in a good way. Though, you know, I might snow plow her…oh, and on that note, thank that Miss Lesbian…that French or whatever-the-hell chick she hooked me up with? TOTALLY snow plowed her…she even let me do the ol’ alligator fuckhouse…can you believe that?”
Jemaine, Bret, and Murray all look universally horrified at this and Dave just shrugged again, pointing once more to Bret and Jemaine’s joined hands, “Yeah, well, you know, I’ll see you guys later…make sure you invite me to the wedding.”
Dave left and Murray looked at their joined hands, blinking, “What wedding is he talking about?”
Bret and Jemaine looked at one another, then at Murray, and then held up their joined hands. Murray looked at their hands, still not catching on, as he said, “Yes, I see you're holding hands. So? You making sure you don’t lose one another? Nothing wrong with that. I always tell visiting New Zealanders they should hold hands here in New York, its sound advice for-”
Jemaine rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he and Bret lowered their hands, Jemaine said dryly, “Murray, maybe you’d like to pull out your notepad. We need to tell you something.”
Murray looked concerned, "Really? What is it…you seem serious…is one of you in some…legal trouble…”
“No, Murray, here,” Bret let go of Jemaine’s hand and took up his notepad. He scribbled on it a few minutes and then handed it to Murray, “There. I marked the items for you.”
Murray looked at the notepad, then shrugging, picked it up, comforted, as he cleared his throat, “Okay, all right…just a quick meeting though. An…emergency one-”
“Of a personal nature.” Bret tossed in.
Murray’s head reared back a moment, but then he merely nodded, “All right…an emergency personal meeting. Bret?”
“Present.”
“Jemaine?”
“Present.”
“And Murray, present…all right, item one here says, ‘Bret finished spending his money’. Oh! Bret! Good for you, I suppose…hopefully your purchases weren’t all frivolous.”
Bret took Jemaine’s hand again, squeezing it meaningfully and Jemaine felt his heart skip a beat as Bret breathed, “No. They weren’t.”
Murray continued, “All right, let’s see here then, item two, ‘dating…both Bret and Jemaine are…dating’. Ah! Fellas! What did I tell you about dating and being in a band! They don’t mix!”
“Keep reading, Murray,” Bret urged.
Murray sighed, unhappy, but continued, announcing, “’Item three, Bret is in love with Jemaine.’”
Murray opened his mouth, ready to say something when suddenly the words he had read aloud sunk in. He looked so thunderstruck that Bret couldn’t help but smirk, saying encouragingly, “Keep going, Murray, you’re doing great…”
Murray’s mouth flapped silently and he returned his eyes to the paper, trying to find some solid ground, gasping, “Item four…Jemaine is…in love…with Bret…”
Jemaine smiled and turned, kissing Bret’s cheek, saying softly, “I am.”
Bret just shook his head, delirious happy as he pointed a finger at the pad, “Good job, Murray, just one more…”
“Item…five…Bret and…Jemaine are…dating…each other…that’s redundant…in light of item…two…Bret! Jemaine!” Murray snapped both of their names out in alarm, his eyes darting between the two of them, then, finally, taking in, and understanding, their clasped hands, “You two aren’t…you can’t be…”
“Oh, we are.” Bret said crisply.
“And we can be.” Jemaine added.
“But…you two…I…it’s,” Murray dissolved into disgruntled noises until he managed to finally string a coherent sentence together, “I don’t think it’s even legal in this state! Is it?! I think you can…only…be like that in Nevada! California! San Diego…West Virginia…”
Jemaine and Bret were both shaking their heads and Murray found his seat, sitting in it numbly. He looked at them and their hands again and sighed, rubbing at his forehead, “Well...least this explains why that book publisher wanted to sell the autobiography about the two of you as gay literature…”
Jemaine sighed, “Sorry, Murray…well, mean, I’m not sorry…’bout being in love with Bret because I am, but, sorry for…you know…steamrolling you with it.”
Murray raised an eyebrow, looking slightly anxious, “Steamrolling…isn’t like an-an alligator…house…thing…is it?”
Jemaine recoiled, looking sick, “Aw! God! No!”
Murray looked a bit relieved, then, taking in Bret and Jemaine’s faces once more, he gave them a small smile, “Are you…you both look…happy.”
Bret and Jemaine looked at one another, smiled brightly, and then looked back at Murray, Bret saying easily, “We are happy.”
Murray sighed and rose to his feet, “Then…I’m happy for you…assuming this doesn’t break up the band…”
“It won’t.” Jemaine said firmly.
“Got a new song in the works and everything.” Bret added.
“…’s not about…alligators or-or bumming or what have you…” Murray asked suspiciously.
“No.” Bret and Jemaine said in simultaneous agreement.
Murray looked pleased, “Good, good…well…good then. I guess when I get back we can talk more about it,” he pressed a finger to his lips in thought, “Maybe…there’s a way I could spin this…get us some gigs at some new venues…how do you both feel about the YMCA? I hear they really like the gays there, this whole subculture with a song or some thing…”
“We’ll…we’ll talk about it when you get back.”
“Ah, yes, right then!” Murray said and he watched as Bret and Jemaine turned to leave, tossing out, “Bret, watch out for Jemaine! Jemaine, watch out for Bret! I’m…I’m sure you will now…in light of recent…events…”
Both Bret and Jemaine exited the office leaving a stunned, but, oddly happy, Murray. He took his seat back at his desk, still reeling a bit, when suddenly Bret stuck his head around the door, “Hey, Murray?”
“Yes, Bret?”
“If…if you do decide to sell the book…which um, by the way you shouldn’t…but…I thought, maybe for a title…you could call it ‘Flight of the Conchords: Don’t Wait on This One’…just a thought.”
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To say Bret and Jemaine were making out on the bus was something of an understatement. Once again they had the vehicle mostly to themselves (the driver was upfront, naturally, but he seemed to be distracted by cursing in his native tongue at other various drivers on the road) and they sat in the back, mouths hungry, hands clutching greedily at one another.
“…can’t….can’t-oh-believe we…waited...mmm…this long…to do this,” Bret managed between kisses, his body wriggling impatiently against Jemaine’s.
“…know…could’ve…could’ve been making out…oh…yeah…months…years ago…”
“…got to…get home…have to…need-”
“Uh huh,” Jemaine agreed and he felt the whole bus shudder. He tried to peek out the window but it was rather difficult with Bret practically wrapped around him. He managed to see their stop and he pulled away reluctantly, “We’re…almost home.”
“Good,” Bret purred, his eyes dark, his mouth edging towards Jemaine’s ear, tongue licking it as he whispered wickedly, “Just wait ‘till I get you upstairs…”
Jemaine shivered, voice shaky with a mix of anticipation and humor, “Jesus, Bret…you’re insatiable.”
Bret just eased even closer, breath hot, “I’m going to get you off…”
Jemaine just moaned, because there was no other proper response, and as the bus came to a halt, Jemaine took Bret’s hand and squeezed it hard, before using it as a lifeline to hurriedly drag him off the bus. The pair rushed up into the building, the elevator not fast enough and, once on their floor, were prepared to make a break for their front door when they noticed a box sitting in front of it.
Surprised, their fervor cooled a bit, and Bret picked up the box carefully. They entered the apartment and set it on the kitchen table. They both looked at it apprehensively, Jemaine speaking first, “We…going to open it?”
“Don’t know.”
“You…you think it’s…something scary. Something from Mel?”
“…don’t know.”
Jemaine took in a loud breath through his nose, then walked bravely forward and opened it, he pulled out a carefully folded white note and read it aloud, “’Thanks for a warm welcome to the neighborhood, Sid and Nancy.’”
Bret reached into the box and drew out two nice, and very expensive looking, binoculars. Jemaine paled, “Oh god…they-they knew we were…watching them.”
Bret blinked, set one of the binoculars down, and, with the other, turned it over in his hands a few minutes before trying them out, “…and…they must have liked it…these are really nice.”
Jemaine picked up his pair and tried them out, surprised to see that they were, indeed, really nice.
He set his down and looked at Bret, his expression smoky, voice rough edged, “Well…only fair if we even the score.”
Bret looked at him and, seeing his expression, swallowed thickly, “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Jemaine came forward and cupped Bret’s face in his hands, his head tilting to one side as he came in for a kiss, “Let’s give them a show…”
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Later, sated and cuddled up on the couch, their clothes messy piles around the living room, a blanket wrapped around them, Jemaine saw ‘Alice in Wonderland’ lying on the floor and, with an eagerness that parallel to that of a child on Christmas, he snatched it up and pushed it towards Bret, “Come on then! We’re right at the end!”
Smirking, Bret took the book and, clearing his throat, began to read aloud, “Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make THEIR eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days.”
Bret closed the book and Jemaine sighed happily, “I like that book…it has a good ending…”
Bret smiled lazily, still tired from the earlier activities and he eased forward to give Jemaine a long, slow, languid kiss. He drew back, planted a second, even softer kiss, and then whispered, “Me too.”