gargleblasted NPCs
×Vogons
Vogons are employed by the Captains of the S.S. Thor to keep the incoming and outgoing refugees coming and going as smoothly as possible. They are thick-skinned, thick-headed, and are about as sexually appealing as a road accident. The only thing Vogons respect is money, and the only thing that will move them to do what you want is paperwork - correctly filled out, signed, dated, and in triplicate where applicable (and it's always applicable.) If you've missed a line or filled out the wrong form, you will be corrected with something resembling bored contempt and sent after the correct form ("Form 34B, not 34A, it's the goldenrod one, not the yellow.") and sent to the back of the queue. If you're used to getting your way through intimidation, you'd have a better chance of intimidating a rock, so it's recommended you save your energy and efforts for someone who cares.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about Vogons:
Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy - not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.
The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
On no account allow a Vogon to read poetry at you.
Please direct any questions or concerns to the Information Desk, and don't forget to bring with you forms 72, 72a, 72b, and 72b (supplemental).
×The Captains
The S.S. Thor is run and maintained by her captains, a group of mice (or mouse-like creatures) who are in charge of making sure the vessel runs smoothly. People often attribute to them more power and sway than they actually have, which, from their point of view, is extremely frustrating. The captains are NOT all-knowing and all-seeing. They're really just a group of more-or-less regular folks who happen to be in charge of a very cool space station. The only problem is, none of the refugees they pick up seem to realize that.
The main function of the captains is to oversee and coordinate the S.S. Thor's large crew, and to make sure that the station and all its myriad systems (life support, power, gravity, the Infinite Improbability Drive...) remain in top working order.
They don't have anything to do with who comes aboard (that's the Improbability Drive's function) or with who just as often disappears (wormholes occasionally caused by the IID are to blame for that.) In fact, the captains are subject to the same whims and vagaries of improbable wormhole appearances, right along with the rest of the five-million NPC inhabitants of the Thor (and, of course, the PC refugees).
Current Captains:×) capnfluffums has been on board the longest, though he's often not treated like it. He's often the butt of jokes made by the others, partially because he is a mole and not a mouse at all but mostly because he's just got the sort of personality that makes him an irresistibly easy target.
×) capnpoco is the newest and most inexperienced of the current captains. What he lacks in confidence he makes up for in knowledge - there's very little Captain Poco doesn't know about the Thor and all her inner workings!
×) capnsmudgy has been a captain for nearly, but not quite, as long as Fluffums. She started her career with a bright attitude, a delightful twinkle in her eye and a jaunty curl to her whiskers, but long years of dealing with the vogons, the general incompetence of those around her, and hoards of ungrateful refugees have hardened her into the cynical, snappish captain known today.
Former Captains×) capnbeetlebob is greatly missed by both his former crewmates and fellow captains, as well as by many of the Thor's citizens and refugees. Competency and politeness together are a rare combo, after all.
×) capncuddles will long be remembered as 'even ruder than Smudgy' and 'the meanest ever to Fluffums'.
×The Babel Fish
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the Babel fish:
The Babel fish is small, yellow and leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centers of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish.
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God.
The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'
'But,' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'
'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as a central theme of his best-selling book, Well That about Wraps It Up for God.
Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.
In other words, everyone on the ship is speaking the language he or she always has. However, what the listener hears is whatever language he or she understands. This applies not only to humanoids and aliens, but also to pet species like dogs and cats - everyone can understand what any species attempts to communicate - at least, for verbal communication. This means that things that deliberately involve a mix of languages will all sound the same to people listening. You can't exclude anyone by voice-posting in English and then switching half-way through to Japanese!
On the other hand, this does not apply to text - signs, menus, alien books etcetera, are likely to be a complete mystery to the average refugee. The Guide has a handy translation feature, however, which helpfully translates any written languages your character might encounter into one they can understand. Mileage may vary depending on the languages in question, of course, so you're free to have fun with that!
Vogons are employed by the Captains of the S.S. Thor to keep the incoming and outgoing refugees coming and going as smoothly as possible. They are thick-skinned, thick-headed, and are about as sexually appealing as a road accident. The only thing Vogons respect is money, and the only thing that will move them to do what you want is paperwork - correctly filled out, signed, dated, and in triplicate where applicable (and it's always applicable.) If you've missed a line or filled out the wrong form, you will be corrected with something resembling bored contempt and sent after the correct form ("Form 34B, not 34A, it's the goldenrod one, not the yellow.") and sent to the back of the queue. If you're used to getting your way through intimidation, you'd have a better chance of intimidating a rock, so it's recommended you save your energy and efforts for someone who cares.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about Vogons:
Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy - not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.
The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
On no account allow a Vogon to read poetry at you.
Please direct any questions or concerns to the Information Desk, and don't forget to bring with you forms 72, 72a, 72b, and 72b (supplemental).
×The Captains
The S.S. Thor is run and maintained by her captains, a group of mice (or mouse-like creatures) who are in charge of making sure the vessel runs smoothly. People often attribute to them more power and sway than they actually have, which, from their point of view, is extremely frustrating. The captains are NOT all-knowing and all-seeing. They're really just a group of more-or-less regular folks who happen to be in charge of a very cool space station. The only problem is, none of the refugees they pick up seem to realize that.
The main function of the captains is to oversee and coordinate the S.S. Thor's large crew, and to make sure that the station and all its myriad systems (life support, power, gravity, the Infinite Improbability Drive...) remain in top working order.
They don't have anything to do with who comes aboard (that's the Improbability Drive's function) or with who just as often disappears (wormholes occasionally caused by the IID are to blame for that.) In fact, the captains are subject to the same whims and vagaries of improbable wormhole appearances, right along with the rest of the five-million NPC inhabitants of the Thor (and, of course, the PC refugees).
Current Captains:×) capnfluffums has been on board the longest, though he's often not treated like it. He's often the butt of jokes made by the others, partially because he is a mole and not a mouse at all but mostly because he's just got the sort of personality that makes him an irresistibly easy target.
×) capnpoco is the newest and most inexperienced of the current captains. What he lacks in confidence he makes up for in knowledge - there's very little Captain Poco doesn't know about the Thor and all her inner workings!
×) capnsmudgy has been a captain for nearly, but not quite, as long as Fluffums. She started her career with a bright attitude, a delightful twinkle in her eye and a jaunty curl to her whiskers, but long years of dealing with the vogons, the general incompetence of those around her, and hoards of ungrateful refugees have hardened her into the cynical, snappish captain known today.
Former Captains×) capnbeetlebob is greatly missed by both his former crewmates and fellow captains, as well as by many of the Thor's citizens and refugees. Competency and politeness together are a rare combo, after all.
×) capncuddles will long be remembered as 'even ruder than Smudgy' and 'the meanest ever to Fluffums'.
×The Babel Fish
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the Babel fish:
The Babel fish is small, yellow and leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centers of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish.
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God.
The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'
'But,' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'
'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as a central theme of his best-selling book, Well That about Wraps It Up for God.
Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.
In other words, everyone on the ship is speaking the language he or she always has. However, what the listener hears is whatever language he or she understands. This applies not only to humanoids and aliens, but also to pet species like dogs and cats - everyone can understand what any species attempts to communicate - at least, for verbal communication. This means that things that deliberately involve a mix of languages will all sound the same to people listening. You can't exclude anyone by voice-posting in English and then switching half-way through to Japanese!
On the other hand, this does not apply to text - signs, menus, alien books etcetera, are likely to be a complete mystery to the average refugee. The Guide has a handy translation feature, however, which helpfully translates any written languages your character might encounter into one they can understand. Mileage may vary depending on the languages in question, of course, so you're free to have fun with that!