"Suffering is the Best Punishment" - Chapter 5
Title: Suffering is the Best Punishment
Author: Shannon - shannyfish
Disclaimer: I do not own “The Mentalist” or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.
Warning: Severe spoilers for season one.
Chapter 5 - “A Simple Remembrance”
Author’s Note: Thanks to those who gave me the episode title! I really appreciate it! : )
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“Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.” - Becky Aligada
CBI Headquarters
One month. Three days.
It was like she hadn’t been found. Lisbon had been brought back to Sacramento, but he’d yet to see her since the car ride back, which had been uneventful. Van Pelt had been staying with her and had made sure she was checked out the day after they got back. Apparently, she checked out okay, but they were still waiting on the blood work results.
At the very least, Van Pelt was keeping him up to date. He still felt like she was gone. He hadn’t thought that it would be this hard...to still be at a distance. Of course, he hadn’t expected this. It felt almost as if she had been found dead. She was dead to him...or was he dead to her? If someone didn’t remember you, would they feel your death?
Jane knew that he shouldn’t dwell on it. It wasn’t her fault. There was no helping it. What had been done was done.
He stared up at the ceiling tiles and wondered if you could die from too much staring or too much studying of such things. He was starting to wish it. At least with him gone, Lisbon would be safe from Red John; there would be no other reason to pursue her if she was gone.
“Are you going to lie there all day again?”
The voice belonged to Rigsby and Jane rolled his head so that the man came into view. “It’s possible.”
“She’s going to remember,” Rigsby told him. “Van Pelt said that she’s remembering a bit more every day.”
“That’s only because she remembers Grace...and she remembers you and Cho.”
“Not like we know how she could have forgotten you,” Rigsby told him. “I would have bet on her remembering you before the rest of us.” He thrust his hands into the pockets of his pants. “It probably has something to do with the head injury she had sustained.”
“Yeah,” Jane said and sat up in his seat. “The head injury that she must have incurred upon deciding that I was useful here.”
“Don’t be like that.”
“Look, I don’t need you to take over Grace’s job of trying to make me feel better,” Jane told him shortly and then got to his feet. “Let me suffer. It’s why I’m still alive.” He moved past Rigsby and made his way towards the elevator. He was done. Done for the day...maybe longer.
He pressed the elevator’s call button and then waited. He stared down at the floor as he waited. When the doors opened, he started in and ended up bumping into people trying to get out. His head snapped up and he stared a bit as he stepped around them and into the elevator.
“Where are you going?” Van Pelt asked.
“Who is it?” Lisbon asked immediately.
“No one,” Jane responded to Lisbon quickly. He turned to Van Pelt. “And I’m going home. Nothing exciting happening today.”
He didn’t miss Van Pelt’s look, but he didn’t know what she expected out of him. He truly was happy that Lisbon was safe and with them, but he couldn’t be ecstatic about her being at CBI at the moment. It seemed like she was remembering everything, but him. Jane did notice that Lisbon seemed to be getting around better and even her color seemed better. For that, he was happy.
Before the elevator door could close, he found Lisbon trying to get back into the elevator. “You’re going the wrong way,” Jane informed her and watched as Van Pelt tried to retrieve her.
“I just need a minute with Mr. Jane,” Lisbon told her as she pushed off her arm. “I promise I won’t get off the elevator.”
Jane frowned and then shrugged at Van Pelt. “I promise not to let her off. Can’t have her following me into traffic,” he tried to joke. He didn’t get a smile from Van Pelt.
He doors started to close again and he stared at Lisbon. “You have me for more like twenty seconds, Agent Lisbon.” He found himself being groped by Lisbon as she tried to locate him in the elevator.
“I can’t imagine putting up with your crap every day, but Van Pelt assures me that I do,” Lisbon told him. “Now, I may not remember you yet-”
“Do you know who Minelli is?”
“My boss.”
Jane’s hands went up in the air. “I’m way more exciting than all of them, especially Minelli and you remember him...great...”
“It’s not like I chose this!” she shouted at him.
His face softened and then hardened into a frown. “No, no you didn’t. This is my fault...” he said a bit sadly. Taking her hands and moving it off of him, he let them rest at her sides. “Red John went after you because you got to close to me. I’m not going to let him hurt you anymore.”
“I remember Red John.”
Her voice had been quiet and it had been deflected because she’d looked downward when she’d said it. Lisbon looked back up now though, waiting. Jane stared at her and then pulled the emergency stop. He knew they were close to the first floor where he had intended exiting. “What do you remember?” Jane asked. Her statement could mean a million things to him, to the investigation, to her own safety... Jane had to know, even if it didn’t really matter. If she just remembered the name, it was still something.
“I’m not really sure what goes together,” she admitted. “It’s been a blur,” she tried to explain while motioning to her head.
“I understand...” he told her, though he more understood the blindness she was experiencing. His life had been a blur at one point. An angry hateful blur and in some ways it still was. Jane was angry for the death of his wife, for the death of his child, and for Lisbon...though she was still alive, time had been stolen from her. He just hoped that her vision and memory would return and wouldn’t fall victim to him as well.
“What he’s done to people...” Lisbon said and then was quiet for a minute. “I remember a woman...cut up...her toenails painted in her own blood.”
Jane stared at her. She was right, the details were right. She’d remembered. Did she remember his wife’s murder or the twin’s? Jane wasn’t sure, he thought about pushing for further details, but decided against it. He really didn’t want to bring up only ugly and violent memories. He’d rather she remembered him.
“You’re quiet,” she said, she released her grip on him. Lisbon took a step back. “You’re upset because I don’t remember you.”
“My ego is a bit bruised,” Jane told her. And it was. Of anyone to forget, him? He still didn’t understand it. “But I wouldn’t say upset... I know I shouldn’t be upset with you. The amnesia and the blindness isn’t your fault.” He kept his voice low, gentle, calm. He didn’t want to freak her out or piss her off.
“You’re...difficult for me to figure out,” Lisbon admitted.
“Excuse me?”
“How well we knew each other...” she tried to explain.
He watched her for a moment. He wasn’t sure how she saw it. All he knew was how he saw things. Lisbon was a mystery to him, though he felt close to her. Mostly anyways. He didn’t know things for sure, just what he suspected. Though, he didn’t like to use his “talent” so much on the team, at least not in a serious way. Fun tricks was always allowed, it kept morale up.
“To me, you’re the person I’m closest to at the moment. You call me on all my schemes and when I cross the lines you draw. You allow me some leeway, but you set your own limits. You choose life for me when I would have rather died,” he admitted.
And she had. He’d wanted to die if that meant that she could have Red John. She hadn’t allowed it. Jane could remember that very clearly...and he’d chosen her life over possible revenge. He’d killed a man that had the information he needed on Red John in order to save hers. He’d said before that he wanted to kill Red John and watch him suffer slowly, but he wasn’t sure if he could actually do it. It was definitely an experience for which he didn’t think you could ever be prepared for. To be responsible for a death. To be the bringer of it. Though, he didn’t regret it. Lisbon was alive.
“Really?”
He smiled at her expression. It was classic. It made him feel warm inside. Lisbon was there. Somewhere. “Yes, and you were right. I was being selfish,” he told her.
“So, you’re just going to leave now?” Lisbon asked.
“That was the plan,” he admitted.
“That’s it? You’re leaving because your ego is bruised because I don’t remember you?”
Jane stared at her for a minute. He didn’t know whether or not to take the bait and challenge what she was saying. He doubted she’d fall for “I have a migraine” or that he was just stepping out for lunch. “Today is just...difficult,” he tried to say. He didn’t want to make her feel bad; it was the last thing he wanted. He turned away from her. Jane faced the elevator doors and sucked in breath. This was harder than he had thought it was going to be.
“I’m sorry.”
Her words were unexpected, yet sincere. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he told her. Jane noticed that she was looking down, or at least her gaze was downward. Jane reached out and lifted her face. “I’ve missed you,” he confided in her quietly.
“I know.”
Those words made him wonder if she did remember, but Jane also knew that Van Pelt had been with her. There was a good chance that Grace had said a bit too much about his month of moping. He made a mental note to ask her about it when he saw her next.
“So?” she asked.
“So?” Jane asked her back. He didn’t know what she was talking about. He hadn’t asked a question or stated anything.
“Are you staying or are you going?”
It was a simple enough question. Though, he was never one for simple answers, especially when it came to Lisbon. He thrust his hands down into the pockets of his pants. He looked up and studied her. He had missed her. Before him stood Teresa Lisbon, the woman who had brought his world to a state of despair with her disappearance and her non-remembrance of him. Now, here she stood offering to know him again.
“I do have to get lunch,” Jane told her with a smile. “I promise to return if you like.”
“I have yet to eat,” Lisbon told him.
Jane smiled wider. He liked the idea she was offering. It was forbidden, which made it all the more sweeter...and tempting... “I promised Van Pelt that I wouldn’t let you leave the elevator.”
“And I promised not to leave the elevator,” she told him.
“I could pull the fire alarm. Then I would be irresponsible if I didn’t lead you to the nearest exit,” Jane suggested with a bright smile. He’d missed Lisbon, even if she still didn’t remember him.
Her face suddenly got very serious. “That would be a felony,” Lisbon pointed out. “And I’d have to arrest you.”
Jane felt like laughing. At least her personality was intact. “Okay, so how about we just get out and then tell them that I lied to you...”
Lisbon’s face softened and she smiled again. “I think that they’d believe.”
“They would,” Jane told her. He reached down and took her hand. “So? Let me cover?”
“Why do I think you pull this kind of thing all the time?” she asked.
Jane allowed the laugh to erupt from inside. He pressed the button, so that the elevator would continue down. It only took a moment before they were at the first floor. He held her hand and kept her close. Soon, his hand pulled from hers and wrapped around her shoulders. Jane figured that it was easier to keep her from bumping into things, namely people.
Stepping out of the elevator, they didn’t get far before Jane stopped. He let out a sigh. Mission scrubbed. Waiting for them were Rigsby and Van Pelt. Jane figured that Van Pelt had talked Rigsby into joining her. He’d refer to Rigsby as a traitor, but the man was in love and men in love did things they wouldn’t normally do for the woman they loved.
“I was just explaining to her how many steps it was out of the elevator,” Jane tried to cover quickly upon seeing them. “I think it was nine,” Jane said and then looked to Lisbon.
“Seven,” she pretended to correct.
He could tell that Van Pelt didn’t buy it, but he continued anyway. “Anyway, since you’re both here, why don’t we go out to lunch? We’ll call Cho down.”
“I am hungry,” Lisbon offered.
“Jane, you promised not to take her out of the elevator,” Van Pelt told him.
Jane shrugged. “I didn’t until just now.”
“You pulled the emergency stop,” Rigsby pointed out.
“I did,” Lisbon lied. “The twenty seconds it took from our floor to here wasn’t nearly enough time for me to discuss things with Jane.”
She’d dropped the mister. He didn’t miss it. Although she claimed not to remember everything, she seemed to be remembering enough. Her personality was definitely the Teresa Lisbon he knew and loved. He waited to see if Van Pelt and Rigsby would buy it. He could see that neither were, but they remained silent. Maybe they feared Lisbon’s reprimand or maybe they just didn’t want to upset her.
“Cho already ate,” was all Rigsby said.
“I’ll call up and let him know,” Van Pelt replied.
“Great!” Jane exclaimed with a bright smile. He didn’t wait for Van Pelt to get off the phone; he just started to lead Lisbon out of the building and towards the vehicle.
Though their encounter in the elevator had been brief and not constructive in the way of remembering him, Jane still held out hope. Lisbon had seemed like she was nearly back, there were just some memories that she was missing. Now, he just had to wait until those memories resurfaced.
................................
TBC...