Season Nine Week Five: Build A Better Moustetrap
I've talked before about having Borderline Personality Disorder and some of its symptoms. For me one of the worst is the effect it has on my relationships. I am 41 years old and I have a frayed string of broken relationships and friendships behind me. I've been married four times. The first time when I was seventeen.
Marriage number one ended when my husband started cheating on me with my boss. One night he told me that I just wasn't what he wanted anymore and gave me until midnight to be moved out.
Marriage number two ended when I cheated. My husband wouldn't spend any time with me at all and constantly pushed me off on one of his friends to do things with me instead. I ended up cheating on him with that friend. After all, he paid attention to me and spent time with me. He was filling the space that my husband refused to. It was still wrong, but that's what happened. I felt abandoned by my husband so I filled the empty space.
Marriage number three just ended. We grew apart. I was working and he was job hopping. I got tired of his refusal to hold a steady job and wondering if the lights would turn on when I got home. So I left. I couldn't take the instability that was our life.
Marriage number four ended for reasons I still don't know. One night he just said he wanted a separation. But when I went back to the house all of his belongings and furniture was gone and a month later he filed for divorce. I don't know why. I knew I was unhappy with how much time he was spending on World of Warcraft every day but I really believed that as far as things between US, we were okay. Apparently I was very wrong.
I can't even count the relationships in between or the friendships that ended over the years. I do know that I am always left feeling abandoned and for a Borderline that is a very bad thing.
I will freak out when I feel that I am being abandoned. I will do anything at all for the person leaving to get them to stay. I will give them anything they ask for. But in the end they leave anyway and I am left crushed and terrified.
I will beg and plead and blow up their phone. I will ask for the reason why, I will promise to fix whatever they say I have done wrong. But nothing I say or do brings them back. Recently one of these people told me that I make people treat me that way. I'm not sure I understand that because there isn't much I won't do for someone I love, whether friend or romantic partner. I'll do anything to keep from being left behind.
I finally threaten to tell all of their secrets. Or I do tell all of their secrets. I turn vengeful. I'll do anything to hurt them in the way they've hurt me. I will find anything and anyway to cause them pain or distress. I want them to understand how I feel and to feel it themselves.
I have threatened and even attempted suicide. I've ended up in the hospital.
Of course everything I do to get someone to come back only pushes them further away. But I don't and can't see that in the moment. I have little to no emotional control. I'm a walking nerve ending and everything sparks an emotional reaction. While I enjoy alone time, I am terrified of being truly alone. And even when I seem confident and secure and okay with being on my own, deep down that's not the case. Deep down I am wondering how I can get someone to stay. How can I get someone to follow through on promises of "I'll never leave you"? Because I know that eventually everyone leaves and I don't know how to keep it from happening. Maybe it really is me. Maybe I do make people leave me.
I hope that some day I'll learn how to have a healthy and lasting relationship.
I hope that someday I'll find that magic key that makes someone stay through the good and the bad.
I hope that someday I won't be counting the days until someone leaves me.
Marriage number one ended when my husband started cheating on me with my boss. One night he told me that I just wasn't what he wanted anymore and gave me until midnight to be moved out.
Marriage number two ended when I cheated. My husband wouldn't spend any time with me at all and constantly pushed me off on one of his friends to do things with me instead. I ended up cheating on him with that friend. After all, he paid attention to me and spent time with me. He was filling the space that my husband refused to. It was still wrong, but that's what happened. I felt abandoned by my husband so I filled the empty space.
Marriage number three just ended. We grew apart. I was working and he was job hopping. I got tired of his refusal to hold a steady job and wondering if the lights would turn on when I got home. So I left. I couldn't take the instability that was our life.
Marriage number four ended for reasons I still don't know. One night he just said he wanted a separation. But when I went back to the house all of his belongings and furniture was gone and a month later he filed for divorce. I don't know why. I knew I was unhappy with how much time he was spending on World of Warcraft every day but I really believed that as far as things between US, we were okay. Apparently I was very wrong.
I can't even count the relationships in between or the friendships that ended over the years. I do know that I am always left feeling abandoned and for a Borderline that is a very bad thing.
I will freak out when I feel that I am being abandoned. I will do anything at all for the person leaving to get them to stay. I will give them anything they ask for. But in the end they leave anyway and I am left crushed and terrified.
I will beg and plead and blow up their phone. I will ask for the reason why, I will promise to fix whatever they say I have done wrong. But nothing I say or do brings them back. Recently one of these people told me that I make people treat me that way. I'm not sure I understand that because there isn't much I won't do for someone I love, whether friend or romantic partner. I'll do anything to keep from being left behind.
I finally threaten to tell all of their secrets. Or I do tell all of their secrets. I turn vengeful. I'll do anything to hurt them in the way they've hurt me. I will find anything and anyway to cause them pain or distress. I want them to understand how I feel and to feel it themselves.
I have threatened and even attempted suicide. I've ended up in the hospital.
Of course everything I do to get someone to come back only pushes them further away. But I don't and can't see that in the moment. I have little to no emotional control. I'm a walking nerve ending and everything sparks an emotional reaction. While I enjoy alone time, I am terrified of being truly alone. And even when I seem confident and secure and okay with being on my own, deep down that's not the case. Deep down I am wondering how I can get someone to stay. How can I get someone to follow through on promises of "I'll never leave you"? Because I know that eventually everyone leaves and I don't know how to keep it from happening. Maybe it really is me. Maybe I do make people leave me.
I hope that some day I'll learn how to have a healthy and lasting relationship.
I hope that someday I'll find that magic key that makes someone stay through the good and the bad.
I hope that someday I won't be counting the days until someone leaves me.