Season Nine Week Four: “Nobody can ride your back if your back's not bent”
I don't really have a relationship with my parents. To be honest I never really did. I only thought so.
My dad molested me from the time I was fourteen until I left home at seventeen. When I filed against him he had a heart attack when he got served. I was (not so) subtly convinced to drop the charges. No one ever believed me and they still don't. According to the whole family (on both sides) I lied about it. My parents swear that I am a pathological liar. And that is what everyone in my family believes. My parents put on a good face. No one gets a chance to see what they're really like.
My dad was gone a lot when I was a kid and my mom never wanted kids. So I was on my own a lot. I wasn't allowed to have friends over very often and my mom never wanted to drive me anywhere. So I spent most of my time with my dogs and my horse and reading books. That probably has a lot to do with the way I am today. I spend most of my time alone with my dogs and my books and I don't have much of a social life. I prefer to be alone.
I don't talk to my parents often but my mom is on my Facebook friends list. And according to my daughter much of what I post really pisser her off. Because I am honest about how I was raised and the way I was treated.
The beatings that were "spankings" and left me bruised from the backs of my knees to the middle of my back? Mom says that never happened.
The molestation? Never happened.
Being ignored? Never happened.
According to my parents the majority of my life never happened. I'm making it all up.
The most recent thing I posted that made my mother mad was about Childhood Emotional Neglect. I didn't matter. My feelings didn't matter. My thoughts didn't matter. And I grew up believing that.
It led me to choose badly in relationships and to stay in relationships long after I should have left. It led me to having unhealthy friendships as well.
It also led me to continue trying to have a relationship with my parents and never understanding why I couldn't. And it was because I chose relationships in which my thoughts and feelings weren't important.
Now I'm trying to change that. Regardless of how much it pisses off my mother I am honest about my past. I am honest about my present. Which isn't so great. But I have plans to change that once my disability (hopefully) gets approved.
I'm learning to stand up for myself. No matter who gets upset with me. I am slowly straightening my back.
My dad molested me from the time I was fourteen until I left home at seventeen. When I filed against him he had a heart attack when he got served. I was (not so) subtly convinced to drop the charges. No one ever believed me and they still don't. According to the whole family (on both sides) I lied about it. My parents swear that I am a pathological liar. And that is what everyone in my family believes. My parents put on a good face. No one gets a chance to see what they're really like.
My dad was gone a lot when I was a kid and my mom never wanted kids. So I was on my own a lot. I wasn't allowed to have friends over very often and my mom never wanted to drive me anywhere. So I spent most of my time with my dogs and my horse and reading books. That probably has a lot to do with the way I am today. I spend most of my time alone with my dogs and my books and I don't have much of a social life. I prefer to be alone.
I don't talk to my parents often but my mom is on my Facebook friends list. And according to my daughter much of what I post really pisser her off. Because I am honest about how I was raised and the way I was treated.
The beatings that were "spankings" and left me bruised from the backs of my knees to the middle of my back? Mom says that never happened.
The molestation? Never happened.
Being ignored? Never happened.
According to my parents the majority of my life never happened. I'm making it all up.
The most recent thing I posted that made my mother mad was about Childhood Emotional Neglect. I didn't matter. My feelings didn't matter. My thoughts didn't matter. And I grew up believing that.
It led me to choose badly in relationships and to stay in relationships long after I should have left. It led me to having unhealthy friendships as well.
It also led me to continue trying to have a relationship with my parents and never understanding why I couldn't. And it was because I chose relationships in which my thoughts and feelings weren't important.
Now I'm trying to change that. Regardless of how much it pisses off my mother I am honest about my past. I am honest about my present. Which isn't so great. But I have plans to change that once my disability (hopefully) gets approved.
I'm learning to stand up for myself. No matter who gets upset with me. I am slowly straightening my back.