[Fic] It's back! Only took me half a year, too.
Title: Secrets are Made to be Spilled
Author: sayasama
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character/Pairing: Russia/Latvia, some background Leit/Pole, US/UK, Sealand, Prussia, and China is mentioned.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Teacher!Russia, Student!Latvia. Illegal happenings. Use of human names. Kirkland abuse. un-beta'd.
Summary: Suspicion is spreading like wildfire, and it might be too late to do damage control.
1. This Cannot be Good 2. In Which Ivan is Made to Feel Increasingly Awkward in His Own Home 3. The Sin is in Drunkness
A/n: What do you mean I'm late for Christmas and New Years? It's still winter, isn't it? Eheh... This chapter was sort of... difficult, and I can't really place why. It's getting a bit heavier with each chapter, too. Enjoy anyway?
Ivan side
.001
Ever since the incident with the vodka, Ivan has refused to have Raivis over his house alone. He does not trust himself alone anymore, knowing that just a few too many drinks will make him a monster. Often, he invites Toris over. They get along fine, and it’s good to get to know Raivis’ family, but as they spend time together Ivan is realizing with increasing clarity that Toris is dangerously trusting. That thought probably should have come to him sooner than it does.
“Mr. Braginski,” Toris says quietly one afternoon, when Raivis has left the room to use the toilet, “I appreciate that you’re trying to be responsible and gain my trust by having me over, but… I do trust you with him. You don’t need to go out of your way to invite me.”
Ivan can’t help but let a very confused, vaguely frustrated expression cross his face.
“That is… very counterintuitive, all things considered,” Ivan says slowly, measured. Toris laughs, a bit shaky but otherwise genuine.
“I guess so. But you’ve shown yourself to be a fairly responsible individual with him, so…” Ivan would correct that notion, but he’s really not looking forward to prison.
“So please, feel free to spend a weekend or two without me every now and then, okay?” Toris says his expression reassuring. Ivan just stares blankly for a moment before replying, “…Da.”
.002
It’s their first weekend alone in what feels like months, and it has been. They are, in fact, near the onset of winter vacation, which explains the cheery decorations strewn about his living room, and the fake tree that stands between the two of them as they hang ornaments on it; Raivis decorates the bottom while Ivan covers the top. They’ve been comfortably quiet for a few minutes now, the only sound being the little strain of “Silent Night” he’s humming and the Christmas special playing in the background.
Ivan is suddenly struck with the urge to speak when he realizes that even in this peace Raivis’ hands are still shaking. He wonders if such a question would ruin the amiable mood, but then comes to the conclusion that there certainly wouldn’t be a better time to ask about it.
“Little Raivis…”
“Hm?” Raivis raises his head to look directly at Ivan and he’s nearly knocked off his feet by the effect. Being that, that cute should be criminal.
“I, uh, if it’s not too personal to ask… Why do you always shake, even when you aren’t nervous?”
Raivis’ eyes widened at the question, and he quickly ducked his head, becoming unnecessarily concentrated on the task at hand.
“Wh-when I was li-little, I was sick a-a-a lot. I need, needed a lot of medi-medications… And when, when I stopped taking them, I-I started shaking… I started dr-drinking regularly when I real, realized it calmed me down and, and stopped the shaking… But, but it always comes back worse when I’m not… ”
Oh, oh dear. Ivan really wishes he hadn’t asked now. He murmurs a quick apology, and Raivis murmurs back not to worry about it, but the silence between them becomes heavier.
.003
“Would you like to put the star on top?” Ivan asks, breaking the silence. Raivis’ first reaction is to look to the top of the tree, far out of reach, and then back to Ivan, with a flat expression that clearly asks if Ivan’s trying to be an ass about his height or if he’s just forgotten about his lack of vertical growth.
“I’m too short,” he says bluntly, assuring Ivan that he has indeed interpreted the boy’s expression correctly. The taller man just sighs, a small grin stretching across his lips as he walks behind the boy and hugs him tightly about the waist.
“Not for long, little Raivis,” is all he says as he slips the tree’s star into the boy’s hands. Raivis gives him a questioning look that quickly turns into one of surprise as Ivan lifts him up (lift from the knees, the knees), and brings him up to the tree.
Flushed and glowing with joy (glowing! Ivan swears it), Raivis gently places the star on the topmost branch of the tree, making sure it stands straight and proud. He’s blushing hard and smiling widely when Ivan lowers him back down to earth. Ivan feels a bit silly when he realizes his heart skipped a few beats and he too, just might be blushing.
“I-Ivan.”
“Yes?”
“L-lift me up again?”
“Why?”
“I can’t kiss you from down here.”
And who is he to deny such a great reason?
.004
Ivan cannot remember the last time he’d held a New Year’s party in his own home, nor does he remember one in which he stayed particularly sober. This is a pleasant change of pace, he feels, even though the gathering is small and the group is sort of… strange.
“Kid, are you like, even old enough to drink?” Feliks asks A Certain American Who Should Not Be Allowed In His House Nor Fridge. Alfred pouts over his shoulder at Feliks, then points to Raivis, who has lifted his self-inflicted ban on alcohol for the night and is being carefully monitored by Toris while Arthur stares on disapprovingly and lectures Peter on the evils of alcohol and underage drinking. The rum he’s got on hand sends a clear “do as I say, not as I do” message.
“Rai is like, a total heavyweight though. I bet the only thing you drink is like, that piss water you call beer. Like, seriously, you can’t handle Braginski’s vodka.”
Warm as the whole scene makes him on the inside, Ivan can’t help but wonder just how this many people ended up deciding it would be a good idea to spend New Year’s at his apartment.
Oh, yes. It was because Raivis wanted to spend New Year’s with him, and Feliks insisted that Toris and he spend the night as well. The boy also has a standing tradition of celebrating with Peter, and so Peter dragged over Arthur, who couldn’t bear to be without his boy toy for the evening, and so brought Alfred, whom Ivan harbors an unreasonable hate for.
“Hey! I can so hold my liquor! Better than Artie can, that’s for sure.”
“Like, everyone can hold their drinks better than he can.”
“Oi! I’m right bleedin’ ‘ere you know!”
“Pft, you’re like, totes sleeping on the couch for a week.”
“Mm…yes, good idea.”
“Artie!”
Ivan sighs and moves over to Raivis, relieving him of his drink and taking a generous sip for himself. Much better.
.005
“I seriously called it, dude. Like, my gosh, they are totally trashed.” Ivan can’t find it in himself to agree with Feliks more on this, as the troublesome drunkard couple sing along terribly off-key with whichever singer is performing in Time’s Square. Toris and Feliks are snuggling up together in the recliner, looking equal parts worried and entertained by the drunken spectacle. Ivan, from his position lying on the long couch, tries to ignore it as Raivis catnaps on his chest. Peter, the lucky boy, has passed out in the kitchen from the rum he took from a plastered Arthur.
He couldn’t be more grateful when the performances stop on the television screen and subsequently, the singing in his sitting room stops as well. Ivan starts nudging Raivis back into full consciousness, hoping he’s not so far gone that waking him up will make him violent. He’s not, so instead of a glare Ivan is greeted with two beautiful, cutely blinking amethyst eyes.
“The countdown’s starting,” Ivan whispers in explanation, his nose rubbing the boy’s in an Eskimo kiss when the younger lift’s his head. Raivis blushes and rubs the sleep out of his eyes before turning them to the screen, watching as the last seconds of the year are ticked away. There’s a large explosion of lights on the screen, Ivan’s sure, but neither of them see it as they are terribly engrossed in their first kiss of the New Year.
.006
“Holy shit, you mean you come here willingly after school?” Gilbert Beillschmidt. Ivan’s number one headache and currently the only student in the entire school to have managed getting detention on the first day back from vacation. Usually Raivis doesn’t come by when someone else has detention with Ivan, but to be fair, neither of them expected him to have anyone for detention on the first day back from vacation.
“Silence, Mr. Beillschmidt. This is detention, after all?” Ivan’s well aware that his voice is a thousand times more frightening than usual. It is only fair that he be angry when Gilbert was the one who’d thrown a wrench in their evening plans.
“Jesus Christ Galante, you’ve gotta have balls of fuckin’ steel to hang around this guy willingly,” Gilbert mutters and drops his head to his desk. Tense silence reigns for a moment after that, until Raivis motions for Ivan to come over. Ivan wonders what he could possibly need help with; Raivis is his best student and he hasn’t even given homework today besides. Ivan shakes his head when he sees what Raivis wants help with. Algebra. Of course. Yao would give homework on the first day back.
Quietly, Ivan helps Raivis through problem after problem. Surprisingly, considering that Gilbert is in the room, there is no noise outside of the two of them. It’s quiet enough to forget that the albino is even there.
Which turns out to be a very bad thing.
.007
“You’re slipping, Ivan,” Arthur remarks to him over a pint of beer at a pub the English teacher seems to frequent. Somehow, they have become drinking buddies.
“What do you mean?” Ivan asks, his expression confused.
“Apparently, you were the topic of conversation at the boys’ lunch table today. Raivis wasn’t there, he was down at the nurse’s or something, and both Beillschmidt and Von Bock took the opportunity to voice their suspicions about your intentions for Raivis.”
Eduard Von Bock. Raivis’ roommate and close friend. Ivan knew he’d become a problem eventually.
“Peter tried to run interference, or so he said, but both were rather convinced that your treatment of Raivis was curious at best and indicative of something positively illegal at worse.”
Ivan swears under his breath for a good five minutes and downs his shot of vodka.
“How’d you do it?” Ivan asks after his drink is well and gone. Back then, it seemed as if Arthur’s only problem was Ivan. How’d he do that?
“Well, to start with, we actually had a reason to meet during and after school. I’m the adviser for the student counsel, remember? And he was the president, though bullocks if I know how he got there. It also helped that he was the one pursuing me and I’m naturally predisposed to be nasty toward anyone, romantic interest or not.”
“So because you’re a bastard, you got away with it.” If that’s all it took, then Ivan really shouldn’t be having this problem.
“No, I treated him the same way I treated everyone else, for the most part, so I got away with it. Do you treat Raivis differently, even in front of other students?”
“… Da, but he is a delicate student, any teacher would-“
“But you’re Ivan Braginski!" Arthur declares in shock, even going so far as to point. "You’ve made a name for yourself by being the one teacher who wouldn’t! And then you get the student that anyone would assume would be running out of your room in tears at least once a week, and you’ve made him your class pet! I can’t even believe this is a problem for you, or all people.” Arthur looks incredulous and exasperated at the same time. The words hit him like a tidal wave and make Ivan realize he’s going soft, and if he didn’t toughen up again he was going to ruin everything.
.008
“Ivan, I, I know this is going to seem really weird, b-but in, in school, I want you to-to be me-me-mean to me.” The statement comes as a surprise to Ivan, but he realizes that it probably shouldn’t. Raivis has likely heard from Peter the same story Ivan heard from Arthur.
“That’s silly,” Ivan says, though he knows he should really consider it and try to be a little less kind in class.
“No, it’s not! Thi-this is your j-jo-job! I-I-I don’t wanna get you fired!” Raivis looks so determined about this; Ivan can’t help but stare with a bit of wonder. He denies the statement all the same, because he just doesn’t want to see the problems that are popping up around them. He wants to go on as though nothing is wrong, as though no one has any suspicions and he’ll never have to say a mean word to Raivis. Because he’s not like Arthur, who can say terrible things to the people he cares about because they all know he means the opposite. Ivan has never been able to be intentionally mean or frightening to people he loves (intentionally being the key word).
“Please, I don’t, don’t want to get you into tro-trouble an-and I’ll know you don’t me-mean any of it! Just… We’ve gotta be more, more careful. Please?” Raivis has climbed into his lap, holding Ivan’s face so that he’d have to look at Raivis and see the problem, and he doesn’t want to but he has to.
“Please, they’ll fire you or, or make you transfer to another, another school system if we, if we don’t.” The boy's eyes are watery, very much on the verge of tears. It rends his heart to know he's causing this.
“I…” Ivan wants to promise Raivis that everything will be alright, but, “I don’t know if I can.”
.009
Ivan must’ve given the wrong response last weekend or something, because Raivis has been avoiding him completely for an entire week. He’s even been petulant in class, barely answering in class and even then only with a challenging edge to his voice that was extremely unexpected.
And then the weekend arrived and now Raivis is completely back to normal again.
It is honestly starting to annoy Ivan, a little. Really, what is Raivis doing? Ivan is too old to be getting played with like this by a little boy. He wasn’t really coping well with the emotional whiplash.
“Why are you behaving so strangely,” Ivan asks in bewilderment after an exceptionally normal Friday evening together. An exceptionally normal Friday evening that had been preceded by Ivan practically wanting to strangle Raivis during class. (He just seemed all the more intimidating because of it. Not confused and angry and upset, just plain old intimidating. He is very good at channeling his negative emotions into positive endeavors.)
“Because it makes you mad.” A beat, in which Ivan sort of wants to throw Raivis out, “It makes you treat me differently. That’s good.”
Ivan looks down at Raivis, who’s head has just taken up residence in his lap. The things this boy would do to keep them safe… Ivan feels like he’s coming up short compared to the boy. And it’s a real feat to feel short when compared to Raivis.
“Yes, well, I don’t think you need to try quite so hard anymore,” Ivan says, his smile a mix of ire and relief, “I’ll just remember what a brat your were this week and we’ll be all set.”
Raivis’ responding smile is so cheeky Ivan just has to kiss him for it.
.010
“Goddamn you’re a creeper, aren’t ya? I always knew there was somethin’ off with you, ya commie fuck.”
“And you’re too young to be drinking Arthur’s gin. Leave the adults alone and go play in the sandbox with the other children.”
“Oh for the love of-“ Arthur lets out a troubled sigh, probably wondering how drunk he must’ve been to think it’d be a good idea to have Ivan and Alfred over together. Very, very drunk, Ivan thinks.
“Artie, he’s bemoaning his, his issues with a lack of restraint concernin’ his student. His sixteen-year-old student! You’ve gotta admit that’s creepy!”
Arthur, rather than taking his cue and agreeing with the American, makes a face like he’s been sucker punched in the gut and drops his head onto the table with a loud “thunk”. Ivan feels a similar urge, but settles for just burying his face in his hands. Alfred just puzzles over their reactions.
Raivis side
.001
Raivis pulls on his winter boots with a sigh, looks to his overnight bag and realizes that he won’t be needing it. Again. At this rate, he won’t need it again until he graduates.
“Almost ready Rai?” Toris asks, popping into the breezeway. Raivis lets out another sigh and nods. Really, it’s not that he doesn’t love his cousin and like spending time with him, it’s just… He sort of misses those weekends he and Ivan spent alone.
Toris has never been particularly oblivious, so Raivis’ dull mood does not go unnoticed. Neither does the reason for it.
“Um, Raivis… Is there a reason why I’m always invited to spend the evening with you two? Not that I don’t like Ivan, but well, Feliks is getting a bit annoyed with it and I don’t really see a reason for it…”
“It’s because he doesn’t, doesn’t trust himself alone with me,” Raivis grumbles out, deciding to cut out the reason why Ivan feels that way. This behavior will seem warranted if he does.
“Oh. Um… I take it you don’t think he needs to worry?”
“Right.” As long as Ivan doesn't get drunk, he's fine.
“Then... I’ll talk about it with him for you…?” Toris says, sounding questioning. Raivis cheers up a bit at the thought.
“Please.”
.002
Last weekend, when Raivis heard that Ivan didn’t have Christmas decorations, he’d brought the older man out shopping (three cities away, where they were sure no one they knew would be, and with Toris so that if they did see anyone, it could be passed off as a family outing).
This weekend, they’re putting up said decorations. They’ve already attacked the interior of the apartment with tinsel and all manner of hanging decorations, and now they’re taking on the Christmas tree. This is actually the second tree he’s helped decorate this year, but this is more special than helping Toris with the family tree. It’s Raivis helping Ivan decorate his apartment for their first Christmas together.
Ivan is humming “Silent Night” while Raivis hangs up a shining red bulb on one of the lower branches, the lights give off a soft glow while the television plays “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” and the generally festive atmosphere makes Raivis feel warm from the inside out.
“Little Raivis…” Ivan stops humming in favor of addressing him.
“Hm?” Raivis looks up questioningly.
“I, uh, if it’s not too personal to ask… Why do you always shake, even when you aren’t nervous?”
Raivis is caught off-guard by the question; why would Ivan ask that right now? He follows Ivan’s line of vision to his hands and realizes then that they are still shaking. He stares hard at them for a moment, wondering, not for the first time, if he could make them stop from sheer force of will alone.
When they do not, he sighs. Well, the question was bound to come up sometime anyway, so he might as well answer it now.
“Wh-when I was li-little, I was sick a-a-a lot. I need, needed a lot of medi-medications… And when, when I stopped taking them, I-I started shaking… I started dr-drinking regularly when I real, realized it calmed me down and, and stopped the shaking… But, but it always comes back worse when I’m not… ”
Raivis understands that having been a sick kid who needed medicine isn’t really anything to be ashamed of, but he is nonetheless. It’s something he’s sure he'll accept more with time, but for now not even Ivan’s apology can get him to stop staring at his hands, willing them to stop shaking.
.003
“Would you like to put the star on top?” Raivis is somewhat tempted to chuck the ornament in his hand at Ivan when he asks that. The tree, fake as it is, still clears six feet easily and Raivis is, well, having trouble getting far beyond five.
“I’m too short,” Raivis says, giving Ivan an “if that was your attempt at humor, it failed” look. Once he’s sure the full effect of the look has been felt, he turns back to the tree. He concentrates too hard on finding a free branch to put the last of the ornaments on, and misses it when Ivan moves away from the tree.
It’s just as he’s finally found a place for that last ornament that Ivan says, “Not for long, little Raivis,” slips the star into his hand, and lifts him up high enough to look down on the top of the tree. For a minute, he’s struck motionless by just how sweet the gesture is. Ivan is so, so good at doing things that make him feel a thousand feet tall (figuratively; literally it’s closer to eight).
Feeling so warm and happy he could burst, Riavis puts the tree up on the highest branch. He’s already smiling like a fool when he comes back to the ground, but seeing Ivan’s expression mirroring his own makes him smile that much more.
“I-Ivan,” he says, determined to not sound as embarrassed as he feels asking this.
“Yes?”
“L-lift me up again?” ‘Don’t ask why, don’t ask why.’
“Why?” ‘We need to work on our telepathy.’
“I can’t kiss you from down here.”
They’re connected at the lips before he can even blink.
.004
“Bleh, why do adults like this stuff?” Peter asks, scrutinizing the bottle of vodka he has in hand. Raivis considers taking it away from him, but realizes from the way Peter is holding it at arm’s length that the burn of the alcohol has done his job for him.
“I couldn’t say,” Raivis says, decides that taking a swig right after saying that would be a pretty dumb idea.
“Then why do you like it?” Peter’s giving Raivis a look like it’s somehow unfair that he likes alcohol when Peter doesn’t.
“Ah…” Raivis doesn’t know how to answer that, and he doesn’t think Mr. Kirkland would appreciate him going on about the virtues of hard liquor to his little brother, either.
“Peter! I’ve told you not to touch alcohol! It’s poison to a man’s reason.” Speak of the devil. Both Raivis and Peter take a good hard look at the rum in Arthur’s hand, before looking at his face.
“You’re such a hypocrite, jerk-Arthur!” Peter shouts, pointing to the incriminating bottle. Arthur is set to stuttering for a moment.
“Indeed, this is no way to properly teach children how to behave.” Raivis can’t help but laugh at the way Arthur jumps when he realizes that Ivan’s snuck up behind him. He raises an eyebrow at Ivan when he gently slips the bottle out of the other man’s hands and passes it off to Alfred.
“Oh, we playin’ ‘Keep the Rum Away from Artie’ now?” The older boy asks, happily taking a swig before passing the drink to Toris.
“Da, so please keep it away from him as long as possible. The person to give it to him loses,” Ivan says, grinning like a shark.
The “game” shouldn’t make him want to laugh, and Ivan’s behavior shouldn’t make his heart go all aflutter, but all the same it does.
.005
Raivis is only half aware of what’s going on in Ivan’s apartment by the time the last few minutes of the old year roll around. He’s done a pretty good job of blocking out Arthur and Alfred’s drunken singing (unfortunately he has a lot of practice in this area from all the time he spends at Peter's), and is so comfortable on Ivan’s chest that he could just fall asleep. The New Year isn’t here quite yet though, so he struggles to keep himself just barely conscious. But it’s so hard when the soft thump-thump of Ivan’s heart is right under his ear.
He is very nearly gone into the world of the dreaming when Ivan whispers, “The countdown’s starting.” Dazed and not exactly comprehending what’s been said, he looks up to Ivan, only to bump noses with him. He lets the little accident warm him, before he registers what was said to him and looks to the screen. Less than ten seconds, nine, eight…
He looks to Ivan, intending to say Happy New Year, because that’s what he stayed up to do, to celebrate the new year, but he’s promptly cut off by the other’s lips, and he thinks he likes it better than a few words.
.006
Raivis is very quick to leave the classroom when he’s done with his algebra homework, worried that if he sticks around too long it’ll look suspicious to Gilbert, who isn’t actually as oblivious as Raivis would like to believe. But for all that Raivis rushes out to minimize Gilbert’s suspicions it’s not enough to stop the older teen from tracking him down later in the day. It’s very impossible to avoid someone you share a dormitory with.
“So, what’s up with you and the big bad Russian bear?” Gilbert, having cornered him while leaving the dining hall, asks. Raivis, stupidly, takes a moment to consider the comparison between Ivan and a bear. Scary on the outside, but really just a big sunflower-loving teddy bear on the inside. How appropriate.
“No-no-nothing’s up,” Raivis replies, once he has his wits about him. Gilbert makes a face of disbelief.
“Kid, you hang around that guy willingly and often, and leave the school with him on weekends. He’s known for chewin’ kids like you up and spittin’ ‘em out, but he treats you like some sorta flower all the time. There’s something going on here, don’t try to act like you don’t know.”
“He-He’s a family fr-friend. I li-live with my cous-cousin over breaks an-and weekends. They went, went to sc-school to-together and are friends. He drives me home so, so that he can visit To-To-Toris.” The story is one he’s rehearsed to the mirror a million times in case someone ever asked, but he stutters through it all the same. His eyes bore holes into the worn carpeting, self-conscious and afraid, until suddenly Gilbert jerks his face up and makes him look right into his startling red eyes. He’s paralyzed, a rodent about to be eaten by an eagle.
“That’s a great excuse kid, but you made the mistake of not lookin’ me in the eyes,” Gilbert says, and Raivis knows he’s not really a scary person, but in that moment he’s scared as ever. And so instead of standing his ground, maintaining eye contact and insisting his story is the truth like he knows he needs to, he runs. He runs until he’s in his room with the door locked, knowing he’s probably just made his situation that much worse.
.007
Peter sees him before the rest of their lunch table does, and jumps up to pull him aside before he can get anywhere near it.
“Raivis it’s bad! Both Ed and Gilbert know what’s going on!” Peter says, looking worried. Somewhere along the way Peter had accepted that Ivan and Raivis have a “weird thing” going on (he refuses to call it a relationship) and that since it makes Raivis happy, he’d help keep it a secret. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like they’ll need a secret-keeper so much as they’ll need a lawyer, soon enough.
“Wha-what do you mean?” Raivis knows what he means but he has to ask anyway.
“The minute you left, Gilbert brought it up and Eduard was all “yeah, and this stuff too” and Liz was like, swoonin’ and stuff, it was really weird-“
“So you, you’re telling me that now our, our whole lunch table is talking a-about me? An-and I-Mr. Braginski?” Forget a lawyer, they'll need to skip town completely.
“Yeah, I guess he treats you real nice in class or something and they think it’s weird. Which it is, ‘cause that jerk is scary.”
Raivis would reprimand Peter for calling Ivan a jerk and scary, but he calls all adults jerks and Raivis is too busy having a mental breakdown to care about the scary part. Damnit, he knew he should’ve just stood his ground the other night, just lied boldly and outright! If he could just be confident..!
“S-so it’s be-because of, of how he treats m-me,” Raivis says, sounding almost questioning. If that’s it, then maybe it isn’t too late to stop the other students from speculating.
.008
Raivis wonders how he’s going to talk Ivan into treating him like the rest of the students. He is well aware that his boyfriend is the sort who finds it difficult to be harsh toward those he’s accepted as close to him. So should he be direct or try to work his way up to it…? But if he tries to work up to asking, he’ll end up stalling and that would get him nowhere fast.
‘So it’s direct then.’
“Ivan, I, I know this is going to seem really weird, b-but in, in school, I want you to-to be me-me-mean to me.” Ivan looks surprised but not confused about the statement. Raivis wonders.
“That’s silly,” Ivan says in a tone that says he’d like the conversation to end with that. Raivis would rather continue.
“No it’s not! Thi-this is your j-jo-job! I-I-I don’t wanna get you fired!” He doesn’t want Ivan to have to leave. He doesn’t want to get Ivan into trouble. He doesn’t want to be the reason why he faces nasty rumors at work and a ruined reputation. But he undoubtedly will be if things continue like this, and Ivan’s making a face like he clearly doesn’t want to be cooperative.
“Please, I don’t, don’t want to get you into tro-trouble an-and I’ll know you don’t me-mean any of it! Just… We’ve gotta be more, more careful. Please?” He makes Ivan look him the eyes, hopes that he can somehow transfer his desperation on the matter though touch. Maybe Ivan just needs to be assured that Raivis will understand he’s faking it if he’s a little rougher on him in class?
“Please, they’ll fire you or, or make you transfer to another, another school system if we, if we don’t,” Raivis pleads, wondering in a dark part of his mind if maybe that’s what Ivan wants, to be sent away with to somewhere he can start off with a clean slate.
The realization that they could be separated seems to ring true with Ivan though, as finally, finally he gets a response.
“I… I don’t know if I can.”
It isn’t really the response he wants, but it’s better than nothing.
.009
There are a few times in the week when Raivis is genuinely afraid of the way Ivan looks at him. He knows Ivan hates being pulled around (he prefers to be the one controlling the mind games) but well, he’d rather Ivan be here and hate him than be away and love him. So it’s completely worth it to act like a total brat for a week. It’s almost a little fun, even.
It’s thoughts like that which make him realize that he’s spent far too much time around Ivan.
But he’s not all bad. He intends to make it up to Ivan the moment the opportunity presents itself. It presents itself on the weekend, as it so often does. He tries his best to show that he hasn’t turned into some terrible brat, that he’s not just playing with Ivan’s feelings. Ivan just looks very confused until finally, he gives in and says something about it.
“Why are you behaving so strangely?” Raivis takes a minute to wonder how he should answer this. Well, honesty is always the best policy… But he’d better try to play up his more endearing qualities, just in case Ivan gets angry.
“Because it makes you mad.” He says, looking up at Ivan from where’s he’s taken up residence in his lap. He rarely attempts to make himself look cute (and thereby less manly than he already does) but he tries to now. “It makes you treat me differently. That’s good.”
Ivan makes a complicated expression, one Raivis can’t really decipher. A few seconds later he recovers enough to smile and say, “Yes, well, I don’t think you need to try quite so hard anymore. I’ll just remember what a brat you were this week and we’ll be all set.”
Ivan’s smile makes him smile, and his smile makes Ivan kiss him, and that’s one chain reaction he can really appreciate.
.010
Since the incident with the vodka Ivan has been incredibly careful with him, but even so sometimes they forget their circumstances (and Raivis is pretty sure Ivan was getting revenge for his behavior that week) and they do something dumb. Sometimes Raivis just wants to look at Ivan and say “I’m a hormonal teenager, but what’s your excuse?” However, he is pretty sure that would end in Ivan feeling a bit guiltier about their situation than he already does, and Raivis doesn't want that.
Still, Raivis really hates wearing cover-up until the marks go away. It seems that even when getting revenge Ivan is careful to only make love bites where they can be easily hidden, but Raivis still feels the need to cover up the ones on his collar bone. Thank goodness Feliks gave him that compact. He loves his cousin’s boyfriend just a bit more for it.
When he got back to his dorm for the week it was empty, and it still is as Raivis makes his way out of the bathroom and to his dresser, the bottom drawer of which has been the hiding place for the compact. He doesn’t even want to know what Eduard would ask if he found Raivis with make-up.
Which unfortunately, is exactly what he does when he comes into the room unannounced making Raivis jump in surprise and drop the compact. Dread coils in the pit of his stomach at the compact rolls over to the other side of the room, where Eduard’s standing (‘It’s like something out of a bad movie,’ Raivis thinks) and his roommate picks it up.
“This is… cover up?” Eduard inspects the compact, opens it, closes it, and looks at Raivis with a most piercing, yet concerned, gaze.
“Raivis, I think we need to have a talk.”
-----
I like to justify Ivan's inability to be intentionally cruel to people he cares for by his canon description as "childishly cruel" and his relationship with his sisters. I can't think of any instance in canon where he was really mean to either Ukraine or Belarus (the whole collecting money for the gas thing seems more like a sad circumstance to me) so I don't see him as a person who'd be intentionally mean. More like, well-meaning but misguided.
Author: sayasama
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character/Pairing: Russia/Latvia, some background Leit/Pole, US/UK, Sealand, Prussia, and China is mentioned.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Teacher!Russia, Student!Latvia. Illegal happenings. Use of human names. Kirkland abuse. un-beta'd.
Summary: Suspicion is spreading like wildfire, and it might be too late to do damage control.
1. This Cannot be Good 2. In Which Ivan is Made to Feel Increasingly Awkward in His Own Home 3. The Sin is in Drunkness
A/n: What do you mean I'm late for Christmas and New Years? It's still winter, isn't it? Eheh... This chapter was sort of... difficult, and I can't really place why. It's getting a bit heavier with each chapter, too. Enjoy anyway?
Ivan side
.001
Ever since the incident with the vodka, Ivan has refused to have Raivis over his house alone. He does not trust himself alone anymore, knowing that just a few too many drinks will make him a monster. Often, he invites Toris over. They get along fine, and it’s good to get to know Raivis’ family, but as they spend time together Ivan is realizing with increasing clarity that Toris is dangerously trusting. That thought probably should have come to him sooner than it does.
“Mr. Braginski,” Toris says quietly one afternoon, when Raivis has left the room to use the toilet, “I appreciate that you’re trying to be responsible and gain my trust by having me over, but… I do trust you with him. You don’t need to go out of your way to invite me.”
Ivan can’t help but let a very confused, vaguely frustrated expression cross his face.
“That is… very counterintuitive, all things considered,” Ivan says slowly, measured. Toris laughs, a bit shaky but otherwise genuine.
“I guess so. But you’ve shown yourself to be a fairly responsible individual with him, so…” Ivan would correct that notion, but he’s really not looking forward to prison.
“So please, feel free to spend a weekend or two without me every now and then, okay?” Toris says his expression reassuring. Ivan just stares blankly for a moment before replying, “…Da.”
.002
It’s their first weekend alone in what feels like months, and it has been. They are, in fact, near the onset of winter vacation, which explains the cheery decorations strewn about his living room, and the fake tree that stands between the two of them as they hang ornaments on it; Raivis decorates the bottom while Ivan covers the top. They’ve been comfortably quiet for a few minutes now, the only sound being the little strain of “Silent Night” he’s humming and the Christmas special playing in the background.
Ivan is suddenly struck with the urge to speak when he realizes that even in this peace Raivis’ hands are still shaking. He wonders if such a question would ruin the amiable mood, but then comes to the conclusion that there certainly wouldn’t be a better time to ask about it.
“Little Raivis…”
“Hm?” Raivis raises his head to look directly at Ivan and he’s nearly knocked off his feet by the effect. Being that, that cute should be criminal.
“I, uh, if it’s not too personal to ask… Why do you always shake, even when you aren’t nervous?”
Raivis’ eyes widened at the question, and he quickly ducked his head, becoming unnecessarily concentrated on the task at hand.
“Wh-when I was li-little, I was sick a-a-a lot. I need, needed a lot of medi-medications… And when, when I stopped taking them, I-I started shaking… I started dr-drinking regularly when I real, realized it calmed me down and, and stopped the shaking… But, but it always comes back worse when I’m not… ”
Oh, oh dear. Ivan really wishes he hadn’t asked now. He murmurs a quick apology, and Raivis murmurs back not to worry about it, but the silence between them becomes heavier.
.003
“Would you like to put the star on top?” Ivan asks, breaking the silence. Raivis’ first reaction is to look to the top of the tree, far out of reach, and then back to Ivan, with a flat expression that clearly asks if Ivan’s trying to be an ass about his height or if he’s just forgotten about his lack of vertical growth.
“I’m too short,” he says bluntly, assuring Ivan that he has indeed interpreted the boy’s expression correctly. The taller man just sighs, a small grin stretching across his lips as he walks behind the boy and hugs him tightly about the waist.
“Not for long, little Raivis,” is all he says as he slips the tree’s star into the boy’s hands. Raivis gives him a questioning look that quickly turns into one of surprise as Ivan lifts him up (lift from the knees, the knees), and brings him up to the tree.
Flushed and glowing with joy (glowing! Ivan swears it), Raivis gently places the star on the topmost branch of the tree, making sure it stands straight and proud. He’s blushing hard and smiling widely when Ivan lowers him back down to earth. Ivan feels a bit silly when he realizes his heart skipped a few beats and he too, just might be blushing.
“I-Ivan.”
“Yes?”
“L-lift me up again?”
“Why?”
“I can’t kiss you from down here.”
And who is he to deny such a great reason?
.004
Ivan cannot remember the last time he’d held a New Year’s party in his own home, nor does he remember one in which he stayed particularly sober. This is a pleasant change of pace, he feels, even though the gathering is small and the group is sort of… strange.
“Kid, are you like, even old enough to drink?” Feliks asks A Certain American Who Should Not Be Allowed In His House Nor Fridge. Alfred pouts over his shoulder at Feliks, then points to Raivis, who has lifted his self-inflicted ban on alcohol for the night and is being carefully monitored by Toris while Arthur stares on disapprovingly and lectures Peter on the evils of alcohol and underage drinking. The rum he’s got on hand sends a clear “do as I say, not as I do” message.
“Rai is like, a total heavyweight though. I bet the only thing you drink is like, that piss water you call beer. Like, seriously, you can’t handle Braginski’s vodka.”
Warm as the whole scene makes him on the inside, Ivan can’t help but wonder just how this many people ended up deciding it would be a good idea to spend New Year’s at his apartment.
Oh, yes. It was because Raivis wanted to spend New Year’s with him, and Feliks insisted that Toris and he spend the night as well. The boy also has a standing tradition of celebrating with Peter, and so Peter dragged over Arthur, who couldn’t bear to be without his boy toy for the evening, and so brought Alfred, whom Ivan harbors an unreasonable hate for.
“Hey! I can so hold my liquor! Better than Artie can, that’s for sure.”
“Like, everyone can hold their drinks better than he can.”
“Oi! I’m right bleedin’ ‘ere you know!”
“Pft, you’re like, totes sleeping on the couch for a week.”
“Mm…yes, good idea.”
“Artie!”
Ivan sighs and moves over to Raivis, relieving him of his drink and taking a generous sip for himself. Much better.
.005
“I seriously called it, dude. Like, my gosh, they are totally trashed.” Ivan can’t find it in himself to agree with Feliks more on this, as the troublesome drunkard couple sing along terribly off-key with whichever singer is performing in Time’s Square. Toris and Feliks are snuggling up together in the recliner, looking equal parts worried and entertained by the drunken spectacle. Ivan, from his position lying on the long couch, tries to ignore it as Raivis catnaps on his chest. Peter, the lucky boy, has passed out in the kitchen from the rum he took from a plastered Arthur.
He couldn’t be more grateful when the performances stop on the television screen and subsequently, the singing in his sitting room stops as well. Ivan starts nudging Raivis back into full consciousness, hoping he’s not so far gone that waking him up will make him violent. He’s not, so instead of a glare Ivan is greeted with two beautiful, cutely blinking amethyst eyes.
“The countdown’s starting,” Ivan whispers in explanation, his nose rubbing the boy’s in an Eskimo kiss when the younger lift’s his head. Raivis blushes and rubs the sleep out of his eyes before turning them to the screen, watching as the last seconds of the year are ticked away. There’s a large explosion of lights on the screen, Ivan’s sure, but neither of them see it as they are terribly engrossed in their first kiss of the New Year.
.006
“Holy shit, you mean you come here willingly after school?” Gilbert Beillschmidt. Ivan’s number one headache and currently the only student in the entire school to have managed getting detention on the first day back from vacation. Usually Raivis doesn’t come by when someone else has detention with Ivan, but to be fair, neither of them expected him to have anyone for detention on the first day back from vacation.
“Silence, Mr. Beillschmidt. This is detention, after all?” Ivan’s well aware that his voice is a thousand times more frightening than usual. It is only fair that he be angry when Gilbert was the one who’d thrown a wrench in their evening plans.
“Jesus Christ Galante, you’ve gotta have balls of fuckin’ steel to hang around this guy willingly,” Gilbert mutters and drops his head to his desk. Tense silence reigns for a moment after that, until Raivis motions for Ivan to come over. Ivan wonders what he could possibly need help with; Raivis is his best student and he hasn’t even given homework today besides. Ivan shakes his head when he sees what Raivis wants help with. Algebra. Of course. Yao would give homework on the first day back.
Quietly, Ivan helps Raivis through problem after problem. Surprisingly, considering that Gilbert is in the room, there is no noise outside of the two of them. It’s quiet enough to forget that the albino is even there.
Which turns out to be a very bad thing.
.007
“You’re slipping, Ivan,” Arthur remarks to him over a pint of beer at a pub the English teacher seems to frequent. Somehow, they have become drinking buddies.
“What do you mean?” Ivan asks, his expression confused.
“Apparently, you were the topic of conversation at the boys’ lunch table today. Raivis wasn’t there, he was down at the nurse’s or something, and both Beillschmidt and Von Bock took the opportunity to voice their suspicions about your intentions for Raivis.”
Eduard Von Bock. Raivis’ roommate and close friend. Ivan knew he’d become a problem eventually.
“Peter tried to run interference, or so he said, but both were rather convinced that your treatment of Raivis was curious at best and indicative of something positively illegal at worse.”
Ivan swears under his breath for a good five minutes and downs his shot of vodka.
“How’d you do it?” Ivan asks after his drink is well and gone. Back then, it seemed as if Arthur’s only problem was Ivan. How’d he do that?
“Well, to start with, we actually had a reason to meet during and after school. I’m the adviser for the student counsel, remember? And he was the president, though bullocks if I know how he got there. It also helped that he was the one pursuing me and I’m naturally predisposed to be nasty toward anyone, romantic interest or not.”
“So because you’re a bastard, you got away with it.” If that’s all it took, then Ivan really shouldn’t be having this problem.
“No, I treated him the same way I treated everyone else, for the most part, so I got away with it. Do you treat Raivis differently, even in front of other students?”
“… Da, but he is a delicate student, any teacher would-“
“But you’re Ivan Braginski!" Arthur declares in shock, even going so far as to point. "You’ve made a name for yourself by being the one teacher who wouldn’t! And then you get the student that anyone would assume would be running out of your room in tears at least once a week, and you’ve made him your class pet! I can’t even believe this is a problem for you, or all people.” Arthur looks incredulous and exasperated at the same time. The words hit him like a tidal wave and make Ivan realize he’s going soft, and if he didn’t toughen up again he was going to ruin everything.
.008
“Ivan, I, I know this is going to seem really weird, b-but in, in school, I want you to-to be me-me-mean to me.” The statement comes as a surprise to Ivan, but he realizes that it probably shouldn’t. Raivis has likely heard from Peter the same story Ivan heard from Arthur.
“That’s silly,” Ivan says, though he knows he should really consider it and try to be a little less kind in class.
“No, it’s not! Thi-this is your j-jo-job! I-I-I don’t wanna get you fired!” Raivis looks so determined about this; Ivan can’t help but stare with a bit of wonder. He denies the statement all the same, because he just doesn’t want to see the problems that are popping up around them. He wants to go on as though nothing is wrong, as though no one has any suspicions and he’ll never have to say a mean word to Raivis. Because he’s not like Arthur, who can say terrible things to the people he cares about because they all know he means the opposite. Ivan has never been able to be intentionally mean or frightening to people he loves (intentionally being the key word).
“Please, I don’t, don’t want to get you into tro-trouble an-and I’ll know you don’t me-mean any of it! Just… We’ve gotta be more, more careful. Please?” Raivis has climbed into his lap, holding Ivan’s face so that he’d have to look at Raivis and see the problem, and he doesn’t want to but he has to.
“Please, they’ll fire you or, or make you transfer to another, another school system if we, if we don’t.” The boy's eyes are watery, very much on the verge of tears. It rends his heart to know he's causing this.
“I…” Ivan wants to promise Raivis that everything will be alright, but, “I don’t know if I can.”
.009
Ivan must’ve given the wrong response last weekend or something, because Raivis has been avoiding him completely for an entire week. He’s even been petulant in class, barely answering in class and even then only with a challenging edge to his voice that was extremely unexpected.
And then the weekend arrived and now Raivis is completely back to normal again.
It is honestly starting to annoy Ivan, a little. Really, what is Raivis doing? Ivan is too old to be getting played with like this by a little boy. He wasn’t really coping well with the emotional whiplash.
“Why are you behaving so strangely,” Ivan asks in bewilderment after an exceptionally normal Friday evening together. An exceptionally normal Friday evening that had been preceded by Ivan practically wanting to strangle Raivis during class. (He just seemed all the more intimidating because of it. Not confused and angry and upset, just plain old intimidating. He is very good at channeling his negative emotions into positive endeavors.)
“Because it makes you mad.” A beat, in which Ivan sort of wants to throw Raivis out, “It makes you treat me differently. That’s good.”
Ivan looks down at Raivis, who’s head has just taken up residence in his lap. The things this boy would do to keep them safe… Ivan feels like he’s coming up short compared to the boy. And it’s a real feat to feel short when compared to Raivis.
“Yes, well, I don’t think you need to try quite so hard anymore,” Ivan says, his smile a mix of ire and relief, “I’ll just remember what a brat your were this week and we’ll be all set.”
Raivis’ responding smile is so cheeky Ivan just has to kiss him for it.
.010
“Goddamn you’re a creeper, aren’t ya? I always knew there was somethin’ off with you, ya commie fuck.”
“And you’re too young to be drinking Arthur’s gin. Leave the adults alone and go play in the sandbox with the other children.”
“Oh for the love of-“ Arthur lets out a troubled sigh, probably wondering how drunk he must’ve been to think it’d be a good idea to have Ivan and Alfred over together. Very, very drunk, Ivan thinks.
“Artie, he’s bemoaning his, his issues with a lack of restraint concernin’ his student. His sixteen-year-old student! You’ve gotta admit that’s creepy!”
Arthur, rather than taking his cue and agreeing with the American, makes a face like he’s been sucker punched in the gut and drops his head onto the table with a loud “thunk”. Ivan feels a similar urge, but settles for just burying his face in his hands. Alfred just puzzles over their reactions.
Raivis side
.001
Raivis pulls on his winter boots with a sigh, looks to his overnight bag and realizes that he won’t be needing it. Again. At this rate, he won’t need it again until he graduates.
“Almost ready Rai?” Toris asks, popping into the breezeway. Raivis lets out another sigh and nods. Really, it’s not that he doesn’t love his cousin and like spending time with him, it’s just… He sort of misses those weekends he and Ivan spent alone.
Toris has never been particularly oblivious, so Raivis’ dull mood does not go unnoticed. Neither does the reason for it.
“Um, Raivis… Is there a reason why I’m always invited to spend the evening with you two? Not that I don’t like Ivan, but well, Feliks is getting a bit annoyed with it and I don’t really see a reason for it…”
“It’s because he doesn’t, doesn’t trust himself alone with me,” Raivis grumbles out, deciding to cut out the reason why Ivan feels that way. This behavior will seem warranted if he does.
“Oh. Um… I take it you don’t think he needs to worry?”
“Right.” As long as Ivan doesn't get drunk, he's fine.
“Then... I’ll talk about it with him for you…?” Toris says, sounding questioning. Raivis cheers up a bit at the thought.
“Please.”
.002
Last weekend, when Raivis heard that Ivan didn’t have Christmas decorations, he’d brought the older man out shopping (three cities away, where they were sure no one they knew would be, and with Toris so that if they did see anyone, it could be passed off as a family outing).
This weekend, they’re putting up said decorations. They’ve already attacked the interior of the apartment with tinsel and all manner of hanging decorations, and now they’re taking on the Christmas tree. This is actually the second tree he’s helped decorate this year, but this is more special than helping Toris with the family tree. It’s Raivis helping Ivan decorate his apartment for their first Christmas together.
Ivan is humming “Silent Night” while Raivis hangs up a shining red bulb on one of the lower branches, the lights give off a soft glow while the television plays “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” and the generally festive atmosphere makes Raivis feel warm from the inside out.
“Little Raivis…” Ivan stops humming in favor of addressing him.
“Hm?” Raivis looks up questioningly.
“I, uh, if it’s not too personal to ask… Why do you always shake, even when you aren’t nervous?”
Raivis is caught off-guard by the question; why would Ivan ask that right now? He follows Ivan’s line of vision to his hands and realizes then that they are still shaking. He stares hard at them for a moment, wondering, not for the first time, if he could make them stop from sheer force of will alone.
When they do not, he sighs. Well, the question was bound to come up sometime anyway, so he might as well answer it now.
“Wh-when I was li-little, I was sick a-a-a lot. I need, needed a lot of medi-medications… And when, when I stopped taking them, I-I started shaking… I started dr-drinking regularly when I real, realized it calmed me down and, and stopped the shaking… But, but it always comes back worse when I’m not… ”
Raivis understands that having been a sick kid who needed medicine isn’t really anything to be ashamed of, but he is nonetheless. It’s something he’s sure he'll accept more with time, but for now not even Ivan’s apology can get him to stop staring at his hands, willing them to stop shaking.
.003
“Would you like to put the star on top?” Raivis is somewhat tempted to chuck the ornament in his hand at Ivan when he asks that. The tree, fake as it is, still clears six feet easily and Raivis is, well, having trouble getting far beyond five.
“I’m too short,” Raivis says, giving Ivan an “if that was your attempt at humor, it failed” look. Once he’s sure the full effect of the look has been felt, he turns back to the tree. He concentrates too hard on finding a free branch to put the last of the ornaments on, and misses it when Ivan moves away from the tree.
It’s just as he’s finally found a place for that last ornament that Ivan says, “Not for long, little Raivis,” slips the star into his hand, and lifts him up high enough to look down on the top of the tree. For a minute, he’s struck motionless by just how sweet the gesture is. Ivan is so, so good at doing things that make him feel a thousand feet tall (figuratively; literally it’s closer to eight).
Feeling so warm and happy he could burst, Riavis puts the tree up on the highest branch. He’s already smiling like a fool when he comes back to the ground, but seeing Ivan’s expression mirroring his own makes him smile that much more.
“I-Ivan,” he says, determined to not sound as embarrassed as he feels asking this.
“Yes?”
“L-lift me up again?” ‘Don’t ask why, don’t ask why.’
“Why?” ‘We need to work on our telepathy.’
“I can’t kiss you from down here.”
They’re connected at the lips before he can even blink.
.004
“Bleh, why do adults like this stuff?” Peter asks, scrutinizing the bottle of vodka he has in hand. Raivis considers taking it away from him, but realizes from the way Peter is holding it at arm’s length that the burn of the alcohol has done his job for him.
“I couldn’t say,” Raivis says, decides that taking a swig right after saying that would be a pretty dumb idea.
“Then why do you like it?” Peter’s giving Raivis a look like it’s somehow unfair that he likes alcohol when Peter doesn’t.
“Ah…” Raivis doesn’t know how to answer that, and he doesn’t think Mr. Kirkland would appreciate him going on about the virtues of hard liquor to his little brother, either.
“Peter! I’ve told you not to touch alcohol! It’s poison to a man’s reason.” Speak of the devil. Both Raivis and Peter take a good hard look at the rum in Arthur’s hand, before looking at his face.
“You’re such a hypocrite, jerk-Arthur!” Peter shouts, pointing to the incriminating bottle. Arthur is set to stuttering for a moment.
“Indeed, this is no way to properly teach children how to behave.” Raivis can’t help but laugh at the way Arthur jumps when he realizes that Ivan’s snuck up behind him. He raises an eyebrow at Ivan when he gently slips the bottle out of the other man’s hands and passes it off to Alfred.
“Oh, we playin’ ‘Keep the Rum Away from Artie’ now?” The older boy asks, happily taking a swig before passing the drink to Toris.
“Da, so please keep it away from him as long as possible. The person to give it to him loses,” Ivan says, grinning like a shark.
The “game” shouldn’t make him want to laugh, and Ivan’s behavior shouldn’t make his heart go all aflutter, but all the same it does.
.005
Raivis is only half aware of what’s going on in Ivan’s apartment by the time the last few minutes of the old year roll around. He’s done a pretty good job of blocking out Arthur and Alfred’s drunken singing (unfortunately he has a lot of practice in this area from all the time he spends at Peter's), and is so comfortable on Ivan’s chest that he could just fall asleep. The New Year isn’t here quite yet though, so he struggles to keep himself just barely conscious. But it’s so hard when the soft thump-thump of Ivan’s heart is right under his ear.
He is very nearly gone into the world of the dreaming when Ivan whispers, “The countdown’s starting.” Dazed and not exactly comprehending what’s been said, he looks up to Ivan, only to bump noses with him. He lets the little accident warm him, before he registers what was said to him and looks to the screen. Less than ten seconds, nine, eight…
He looks to Ivan, intending to say Happy New Year, because that’s what he stayed up to do, to celebrate the new year, but he’s promptly cut off by the other’s lips, and he thinks he likes it better than a few words.
.006
Raivis is very quick to leave the classroom when he’s done with his algebra homework, worried that if he sticks around too long it’ll look suspicious to Gilbert, who isn’t actually as oblivious as Raivis would like to believe. But for all that Raivis rushes out to minimize Gilbert’s suspicions it’s not enough to stop the older teen from tracking him down later in the day. It’s very impossible to avoid someone you share a dormitory with.
“So, what’s up with you and the big bad Russian bear?” Gilbert, having cornered him while leaving the dining hall, asks. Raivis, stupidly, takes a moment to consider the comparison between Ivan and a bear. Scary on the outside, but really just a big sunflower-loving teddy bear on the inside. How appropriate.
“No-no-nothing’s up,” Raivis replies, once he has his wits about him. Gilbert makes a face of disbelief.
“Kid, you hang around that guy willingly and often, and leave the school with him on weekends. He’s known for chewin’ kids like you up and spittin’ ‘em out, but he treats you like some sorta flower all the time. There’s something going on here, don’t try to act like you don’t know.”
“He-He’s a family fr-friend. I li-live with my cous-cousin over breaks an-and weekends. They went, went to sc-school to-together and are friends. He drives me home so, so that he can visit To-To-Toris.” The story is one he’s rehearsed to the mirror a million times in case someone ever asked, but he stutters through it all the same. His eyes bore holes into the worn carpeting, self-conscious and afraid, until suddenly Gilbert jerks his face up and makes him look right into his startling red eyes. He’s paralyzed, a rodent about to be eaten by an eagle.
“That’s a great excuse kid, but you made the mistake of not lookin’ me in the eyes,” Gilbert says, and Raivis knows he’s not really a scary person, but in that moment he’s scared as ever. And so instead of standing his ground, maintaining eye contact and insisting his story is the truth like he knows he needs to, he runs. He runs until he’s in his room with the door locked, knowing he’s probably just made his situation that much worse.
.007
Peter sees him before the rest of their lunch table does, and jumps up to pull him aside before he can get anywhere near it.
“Raivis it’s bad! Both Ed and Gilbert know what’s going on!” Peter says, looking worried. Somewhere along the way Peter had accepted that Ivan and Raivis have a “weird thing” going on (he refuses to call it a relationship) and that since it makes Raivis happy, he’d help keep it a secret. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like they’ll need a secret-keeper so much as they’ll need a lawyer, soon enough.
“Wha-what do you mean?” Raivis knows what he means but he has to ask anyway.
“The minute you left, Gilbert brought it up and Eduard was all “yeah, and this stuff too” and Liz was like, swoonin’ and stuff, it was really weird-“
“So you, you’re telling me that now our, our whole lunch table is talking a-about me? An-and I-Mr. Braginski?” Forget a lawyer, they'll need to skip town completely.
“Yeah, I guess he treats you real nice in class or something and they think it’s weird. Which it is, ‘cause that jerk is scary.”
Raivis would reprimand Peter for calling Ivan a jerk and scary, but he calls all adults jerks and Raivis is too busy having a mental breakdown to care about the scary part. Damnit, he knew he should’ve just stood his ground the other night, just lied boldly and outright! If he could just be confident..!
“S-so it’s be-because of, of how he treats m-me,” Raivis says, sounding almost questioning. If that’s it, then maybe it isn’t too late to stop the other students from speculating.
.008
Raivis wonders how he’s going to talk Ivan into treating him like the rest of the students. He is well aware that his boyfriend is the sort who finds it difficult to be harsh toward those he’s accepted as close to him. So should he be direct or try to work his way up to it…? But if he tries to work up to asking, he’ll end up stalling and that would get him nowhere fast.
‘So it’s direct then.’
“Ivan, I, I know this is going to seem really weird, b-but in, in school, I want you to-to be me-me-mean to me.” Ivan looks surprised but not confused about the statement. Raivis wonders.
“That’s silly,” Ivan says in a tone that says he’d like the conversation to end with that. Raivis would rather continue.
“No it’s not! Thi-this is your j-jo-job! I-I-I don’t wanna get you fired!” He doesn’t want Ivan to have to leave. He doesn’t want to get Ivan into trouble. He doesn’t want to be the reason why he faces nasty rumors at work and a ruined reputation. But he undoubtedly will be if things continue like this, and Ivan’s making a face like he clearly doesn’t want to be cooperative.
“Please, I don’t, don’t want to get you into tro-trouble an-and I’ll know you don’t me-mean any of it! Just… We’ve gotta be more, more careful. Please?” He makes Ivan look him the eyes, hopes that he can somehow transfer his desperation on the matter though touch. Maybe Ivan just needs to be assured that Raivis will understand he’s faking it if he’s a little rougher on him in class?
“Please, they’ll fire you or, or make you transfer to another, another school system if we, if we don’t,” Raivis pleads, wondering in a dark part of his mind if maybe that’s what Ivan wants, to be sent away with to somewhere he can start off with a clean slate.
The realization that they could be separated seems to ring true with Ivan though, as finally, finally he gets a response.
“I… I don’t know if I can.”
It isn’t really the response he wants, but it’s better than nothing.
.009
There are a few times in the week when Raivis is genuinely afraid of the way Ivan looks at him. He knows Ivan hates being pulled around (he prefers to be the one controlling the mind games) but well, he’d rather Ivan be here and hate him than be away and love him. So it’s completely worth it to act like a total brat for a week. It’s almost a little fun, even.
It’s thoughts like that which make him realize that he’s spent far too much time around Ivan.
But he’s not all bad. He intends to make it up to Ivan the moment the opportunity presents itself. It presents itself on the weekend, as it so often does. He tries his best to show that he hasn’t turned into some terrible brat, that he’s not just playing with Ivan’s feelings. Ivan just looks very confused until finally, he gives in and says something about it.
“Why are you behaving so strangely?” Raivis takes a minute to wonder how he should answer this. Well, honesty is always the best policy… But he’d better try to play up his more endearing qualities, just in case Ivan gets angry.
“Because it makes you mad.” He says, looking up at Ivan from where’s he’s taken up residence in his lap. He rarely attempts to make himself look cute (and thereby less manly than he already does) but he tries to now. “It makes you treat me differently. That’s good.”
Ivan makes a complicated expression, one Raivis can’t really decipher. A few seconds later he recovers enough to smile and say, “Yes, well, I don’t think you need to try quite so hard anymore. I’ll just remember what a brat you were this week and we’ll be all set.”
Ivan’s smile makes him smile, and his smile makes Ivan kiss him, and that’s one chain reaction he can really appreciate.
.010
Since the incident with the vodka Ivan has been incredibly careful with him, but even so sometimes they forget their circumstances (and Raivis is pretty sure Ivan was getting revenge for his behavior that week) and they do something dumb. Sometimes Raivis just wants to look at Ivan and say “I’m a hormonal teenager, but what’s your excuse?” However, he is pretty sure that would end in Ivan feeling a bit guiltier about their situation than he already does, and Raivis doesn't want that.
Still, Raivis really hates wearing cover-up until the marks go away. It seems that even when getting revenge Ivan is careful to only make love bites where they can be easily hidden, but Raivis still feels the need to cover up the ones on his collar bone. Thank goodness Feliks gave him that compact. He loves his cousin’s boyfriend just a bit more for it.
When he got back to his dorm for the week it was empty, and it still is as Raivis makes his way out of the bathroom and to his dresser, the bottom drawer of which has been the hiding place for the compact. He doesn’t even want to know what Eduard would ask if he found Raivis with make-up.
Which unfortunately, is exactly what he does when he comes into the room unannounced making Raivis jump in surprise and drop the compact. Dread coils in the pit of his stomach at the compact rolls over to the other side of the room, where Eduard’s standing (‘It’s like something out of a bad movie,’ Raivis thinks) and his roommate picks it up.
“This is… cover up?” Eduard inspects the compact, opens it, closes it, and looks at Raivis with a most piercing, yet concerned, gaze.
“Raivis, I think we need to have a talk.”
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I like to justify Ivan's inability to be intentionally cruel to people he cares for by his canon description as "childishly cruel" and his relationship with his sisters. I can't think of any instance in canon where he was really mean to either Ukraine or Belarus (the whole collecting money for the gas thing seems more like a sad circumstance to me) so I don't see him as a person who'd be intentionally mean. More like, well-meaning but misguided.