Fic: You've Got to Hide Your Love Away (3/17), Part Two
Rose doesn't need to hear the door click shut in order to know he's left; she can sense his sudden absence as acutely, if not more so, then she did after Canary Wharf.
And it hurts just as bad.
Finally allowing her shoulders to drop, she can feel the tension radiating across her back like a bad burn. All her muscles are aching, screaming at her for forcing them to maintain such an uncomfortable position for so long. Exhausted, both physically and emotionally, from the events of the last few hours, she looks to Jack for the reassurance she needs so badly right now.
~~~
He knows she probably needs him right now but there's work yet left to be done.
He'd rather just leave the rest of the team behind, Rose included. Having his life be the only one on the line would be so much easier but one look at the faces watching him expectantly and Jack Harkness knows that plan is not going to fly. But who does he take with and who does he leave behind? How does he break the team up, providing the best possible protection for both universes?
It's a difficult decision but he's gotten used to making choices that could destroy someone's life. It's part of the job description after all, whether he likes it or not.
“Well kids, the rift doesn't take a break just because we're on vacation,” he starts off with a joke hoping to lighten the mood a little, soften the blow he's about to deal to most of them. “Tosh,” he turns first to the amazing technological genius on his left. “I need you to stay here, monitor all activity coming into and going out of the area and, if you can manage it, find a way to help me bridge the void and establish some sort of communication between this universe and the other.”
Tosh nods quietly, looking neither terribly disappointed nor exactly happy about her assignment. Relief, that's what he sees in her face and he imagines she's still feeling guilty for not catching the distress signal sooner and is uncertain where that leaves her relationship with Rose. After giving him a quick hug and wishing him well, she crosses the room to do the same for Rose. He's relieved to know he got this one right but there's still three more sets of eyes trained on him, awaiting their fate.
Making sure he's clear about the reasons for his decisions, he informs Gwen and Ianto that they too will being staying behind. He doesn't miss the angry glare Gwen casts in his direction before he turns to his chief medical advisor but he knows that this is the way it's got to be. With the state of things in the other universe still unknown he needs the medical expertise that Owen will provide and, at the same time, Gwen's police experience makes her the best person to stay right here. He'd take Ianto with but the fewer he brings with, the fewer he's about to potentially strand in another universe, the better.
Once he's finished with the rest of the team, he strides over to Rose projecting an air of confidence he doesn't really feel.
~~~
“You alright?” Jack asks, sitting down next to her and gently cupping her cheek.
“As alright as I'm gonna be.”
He nods in understanding and lets his hand fall into her lap. “Look, I know you probably won’t want to but…you can stay here you know. Help keep an eye on things and let the rest of us save the day for you.”
She shakes her head at this. She understands his reasons for offering but she just can’t do it. “Nah, I’d probably go crazy listening to Ianto complain about how much he misses you,” she jokes and his eyes light up just that little bit more to hear it. “Besides, it’s my family we’re talking about here. They’re far more important then my comfort-level being around him, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he agrees but she can tell he is disappointed she didn’t take the out.
Giving his hand a quick squeeze she rises from her seat, “Suppose I should probably get my things together. It’s just too bad about all those new clothes you bought me.”
He gives her a confused look but doesn’t ask for clarification and she’s glad of it. She doesn’t want to get into it with him right now, doesn’t want to tell him she might not be coming back.
~~~
Gwen waits in the hallway till everyone else has left; off doing whatever last minute preparations they need to before this mission starts. Once she's certain Jack is finally alone she slips quietly inside, pulling the door shut firmly behind her.
“What do you want Gwen?” he asks, without even glancing in her direction.
She gets the feeling that he's been expecting her and it unnerves her just a little but not enough to deter her from what she came here for. “I want you to reconsider letting me come with..”
“We might not make it back,” he says.
“I know."
Pushing away from the wall with a sigh, Jack joins her near the door. He's surprisingly calm but, when he reaches out a hand to brush a lock of hair out of her face, she can see just how bad it is trembling. “You may never see Rhys again. Never.”
She doesn't respond, can't find the words to tell him just how bad things have gotten between her and her fiance. She doesn't want Jack to know that the almost nightly rows they've been having center around him and this bloody job that takes up all of her time lately.
But she can't stay behind, doesn't know what she'd do without his calming presence. The one person in the world who can make all the bad things practically disappear, and he's not even her bloke.
A shiver runs down her spine as his left hand joins the right, cradling her face. He hesitates for a moment before the pads of his fingers are gently stroking her face; across her forehead, the bridge of her nose, then lightly ghosting over her lips. She closes her eyes, trying so hard to just center herself and when she opens them again he's right there, so intimately close it would take only a slight shifting of her weight and his lips would be pressed against hers.
“Make certain you're sure then Gwen. Make absolutely certain this is what you want.”
~~~
Martha doesn’t follow the Doctor back to the Tardis immediately, figuring he probably needs a little time to himself. Instead she watches as team Torchwood slowly gathers their things and makes the preparations they need to before leaving. She kind of misses this place and the people; though she’s pretty sure she wouldn’t see Owen making those eyes at Tosh if she had stuck around any longer.
Eventually Jack comes out of the conference room, Gwen trailing behind, and, after she heads off to her room, Martha pulls Jack aside. “Can you keep everyone here for a bit?”
“Sure thing, Ms. Jones. Got some errands to run?”
“Nah, nothing like that. I just…I need to talk to him alone for a little bit, ok?”
Jack looks at her warily. “Just be careful? He wasn’t too happy with me earlier.”
“It’ll be fine, Jack,” she reassures him. “This is the Doctor we’re talking about.”
~~~
Despite everything he's done - all the planets saved from certain destruction, all the beings rescued from certain doom - there's actually very little he takes any pride in. He's a Time Lord after all and Time Lords don't gain pleasure from something as inconsequential as their own achievements, no matter how important they might be.
There's one thing that does manage to instill a bit of pride in himself though; his Tardis. She's always been important to him, always been the one place that felt the most like home. And since the Time War her presence in his life has been even more paramount. He's been lucky though, lucky she's still with him and not decaying on some backwater planet. She's old after all, way older then any other Tardis he's ever heard of. And that, he knows, is just as much a tribute to her loyalty to him as his mechanical skills.
It's not as though he was born with these skills, learned them is more like it. Learned them from hundreds of years of tinkering - adjusting this and striping that - all in the name of avoidance. Yea, he knows that he does it. He isn't that dense, despite what some of his companions may have thought. And maybe it's wrong of him to do it, to ignore everything that makes him feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, but it's the only defense mechanism he has. And it's worked.
Until today.
Five shocks, two cuts, and a dozen irritated mental nudges from the Tardis later and the Doctor finally decides to give up. He's simply not focused on the here and now enough to attempt a rewiring on this scale. His mind is too steeped in the past and one Rose Tyler; his plus one, his golden guardian angel, the woman he's finally admitted to himself he loves.
With a cry of frustration he yanks himself out from underneath the console, carelessly wiping his greasy hands on his jacket. Despite everything he's tried - from reciting the alphabet, or what would construe as such, in every language he knows (which is quite a lot) to naming each planet in every solar system he's ever visited (which is also quite a lot) - he cannot get her off of his mind.
Sitting there amongst the Tardis innards he feels the loneliness that he's held at bay for so long come rushing back at him. There's no one left to chase away the darkness, no one to hold his hand when it gets too much to deal with anymore. No one left who knows him, as much as any one being can and still be safe from the horrors in his mind. There was once - even when she was stuck in another world there was still that hope, that possibility that he'd see her again - but no more.
Glancing up he can see her on the monitor screen, his most recent companion, approaching the Tardis cautiously. Martha. He knew she'd be coming to see him before the rest were ready to go. She has something she has to get off her chest, something that's causing the guilt-ridden looks she's been carrying since she first returned to him.
He had known something was wrong the minute she stepped through the Tardis doors, those few months ago. He would’ve asked her about it but was so happy to have someone else around again, someone to keep him company, that he never bothered with it…was too worried he’d drive her away once more if he started to pry.
Now that he knows just what it was she had kept hidden from him he no longer cares how it makes her feel to have betrayed him. Oh, he hadn’t missed Jack’s comment about how Martha already knew. Already knew that Rose was here living in Cardiff, practically right under his nose…and literally too considering they’d stopped here to refuel at least twice since her return home.
Before she gets inside and can see him just standing there he starts fiddling with the miscellaneous wires that are still poking out from under the console. He doesn’t want her to know how much he’s hurting right now, doesn’t want to give her that. He hears her open the door, notices the pause before she shuts it firmly behind her and walks over to where he is. He doesn’t look up, doesn’t even acknowledge her presence.
He can see her feet, clad in the nursing shoes she seems to prefer, mere inches away from his face. Still he keeps quiet, waiting for her to break the silence, letting her feel the tension he’s been dealing with since they first arrived here.
She’s stubborn though and it takes a good five minutes before she finally opens her mouth. “Doctor, I…”
“Don’t worry about it,” he cuts her off. He cannot stand the thought of listening to another person try to find the words to say what they’re certain is going to hurt him. “I already know.”
If she’s shocked or upset she doesn’t let on. “I didn’t want ta…” She’s trying to sound confident but is failing miserably.
“I said don’t worry about it.” He drags himself out from underneath the console, putting his sonic screwdriver back in his pocket. “What’s done is done.” She smiles at this, thinking everything is alright between them and he forges on, revealing in the idea that he’s about to hurt her, though not nearly as much as she’s hurt him. “When we get back the first stop we’ll make is your parent’s house. Don’t want to keep you from them any longer then necessary.”
She blinks, a look of hurt and confusion marring her features.
“You’ve had your fun. I think it’s about time you get back to the real world,” he says in explanation. “The only reason I’m bringing you with this one last time is because you and Rose have become such good friends,” he finishes, twisting the knife just that little bit harder.
Just as she opens her mouth to respond the Tardis door swings open and he can’t help but smile to himself. He planned that perfectly.
Chapter Four...