How to Tell Your Time Lord That He's Gay
Title: How To Tell Your Time Lord That He's Gay.
Author: shaggydogstail
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Donna/Martha, Doctor/Master (with appearances from Donna/Martha/Lucy, Lucy/Master, Martha/Doctor, Doctor/Reinette, and Doctor/his own bloody ego).
Description: Martha and Donna decide it's high time they resolved the question of the Doctor's sexuality once and for all. Well, when they aren't busy practising their own, that is.
Spoilers: The Sound of Drums, Last of the Time Lords, and Time Crash.
Disclaimer: The BBC owns all.
'You fancied the Doctor?' Donna grinned over the top of her wine glass, looking altogether too amused. And also kind of hot.
'Yes, well, it was a long time ago,' said Martha, shuffling slightly. She really ought to stop drinking with Donna - it always led to her making embarrassing revelations that Donna would tease her about for weeks afterwards.
'So what was it that first attracted you to him?' asked Donna. 'His manly physique or the air of quiet stoicism?'
'Shut up,' countered Martha eloquently. 'I don't know - I was under a lot of stress with my exams, he came along with his spaceship and his sonic screwdriver - '
' - novelty vibrator,' Donna corrected her.
'Novelty vibrator,' agreed Martha. 'I think I just got carried away with the excitement of the thing. Besides, that was before I got in touch with my own Delicious Lesbianism.'
'Hmm, nevermind the scrawny alien, tell me more about touching delicious lesbians,' said Donna.
So Martha did, and neither of them gave any further thought to the Doctor for some considerable time.
::
'Have you noticed, though, how he spends so much time flirting but it never seems to go anywhere?'
Donna took a break from fondling Martha's arse to look up at her. 'Him again? I think he's just a naughty little alien slutboi tease.'
'The first time I met him, he stuck his tongue down my throat and insisted it was a genetic transfer.' Martha looked a little wistful.
'That's a new one.' Donna looked slightly disappointed that she hadn't been there to watch. 'So, he leads women on, but he doesn't put out. Maybe he's just a really crap lay and doesn't want anyone to find out.'
'I think he's gay,' said Martha. 'I reckon time-travel makes you gay.'
'Huh?' Donna always was better at practical than theory.
'Think about it; I never even considered Delicious Lesbianism until after I'd spent a while travelling with the Doctor.'
'I was going to marry a bloke until I got pulled into the TARDIS,' said Donna. 'Of course, he turned out to be evil.'
'The TARDIS has all sorts of peculiar functions,' said Martha. 'I reckon there's something about the TARDIS that turns people gay.'
Martha was a doctor, after all, so it was no surprise that she was ace at scientific theories.
'The Doctor's been in the TARDIS for a really long time,' said Donna.
'900 years,' said Martha. 'Long enough to make him gayer than a Broadway production of Dumbledore: A Christmas Story.'
'That really is very gay indeed.' Donna nodded solemnly. She paused to contemplate the issue for a moment. 'So, do you reckon that if we were to get naked and rub up against the TARDIS console we might get even gayer?'
Martha grinned. 'Only one way to find out,' she said. 'Although... do you think we ought to talk to the Doctor? He might be happier if we could help him come to terms with his sexuality.'
'Yeah, yeah, whatever,' said Donna as she set to work unbuttoning Martha's blouse. 'But later, yeah? Science first, therapy after.'
Martha, of course, was far too smart to argue.
::
'I am not gay!' said the Doctor. He seemed shocked and flustered, and his voice was going a bit squeaky. 'I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course. Open-minded sort of a time-and-space traveller me, people can do what they like as long as it doesn't scare the children or horses. I don't mind you two being gay, for instance, although I do wish you wouldn't be so secretive about it. Friends shouldn't have secrets, you know. Open-ness and honesty, that's the way to go and - ow!'
Donna slapped him. The Doctor hadn't actually done anything wrong, as such (well, apart his thinly-veiled attempts to be allowed to perve on Donna and Martha going at it girl-style, but Donna didn't blame him for that). It was just that a quick slap was the only way to get him to shut the fuck up occasionally.
'When was the last time you did it with a girl?' she asked.
'Not that it's any of your business, but it was in the eighteenth century,' said the Doctor. Neither Donna nor Martha looked particularly impressed. 'It was Madame de Pompadour!'
'Yeah, right,' scoffed Donna.
'Did you actually engage in sexual intercourse with this woman?' asked Martha. 'Including full penetration leading to mutual climax?'
Martha liked talking technical about sex. It made Donna hot for her.
The Doctor shuffled. 'Look, I didn't have much time,' he said, 'and there were a lot of petticoats...'
'Thought so,' said Donna smugly. She exchanged a knowing glance with Martha.
'Gay,' they chorused.
'I am not gay,' muttered the Doctor.
::
'He is not gay,' insisted Jack. 'Trust me, I'd know.'
'Do you mean, trust me, I've tried?' Donna was no fool.
'He is an alien, you know,' said Jack. 'I think maybe he just isn't interested in having sex with humans.'
Jack had clearly given the matter a lot of thought, and come to the conclusion that it was the only logical reason why anyone wouldn't have sex with him.
'Maybe he isn't sexually attracted to creepy obsessives who collect his spare body parts?' suggested Martha.
'Doctor Jones, I'm wounded.' Jack pouted. 'Such unkind words aren't worthy of you. Although if you two ladies would care to make it up to me, I'm sure we can come to a mutually satisfying arrangement.'
'Nice try, Harkness, but Donna and I don't do cock anymore,' said Martha. 'If it's some hot girl-on-girl action you want, we did see Tosh and Gwen heading towards the showers earlier.'
Jack was out of the office like a scalded cat.
'Wanna do it on his desk while he's not looking?' said Martha.
Donna was already kicking off her shoes. 'I thought you'd never ask.'
::
'You know, I think Jack might have had a point,' said Martha. 'Maybe the Doctor only fancies Time Lords.'
Donna sighed. She was still recovering from her and Martha's latest post-saving the universe sex marathon, and really couldn't be arsed with worrying about the Doctor and his emo.
'Yeah, well, if he does that's his problem,' she said. 'It's not our fault he killed the others.'
'You're a harsh woman, Donna Noble.'
'And that's the way you like me,' said Donna, giving Martha's backside a playful slap. 'Although... it would explain why he seems so bloody in love with himself.'
'I did catch him staring at his own reflection the other day,' mused Martha. 'I think he was trying to lick his own freckles.'
'There's no accounting for what he'll use that gob for - I once saw him fellating a stick of celery.' Donna shuddered. 'Don't even want to think about what that means.'
'It's worse than I thought,' said Martha. 'We really have to do something about him before the damage caused by his underlying psycho-sexual trauma gets any worse.'
'Look, it's not that I'm not sympathetic,' said Donna, although she wasn't really. 'I just don't see what we can do about it, especially as the sulky little Martian has made he clear that he doesn't want to talk about it.'
'I was thinking maybe we should... investigate,' said Martha, raising her eyebrow in a very naughty and alluring manner.
'Why, Doctor Jones,' said Donna, 'are you suggesting we steal his diary?'
'It's for his own good,' said Martha.
'Oh, absolutely.' Donna nodded enthusiastically in a bid to convince Martha she also had the Doctor's best interests at heart, and was in no way looking for cheap thrills and further mocking material. 'Right, well, you go and search his room while I distract him with my magnificent breasts.'
'Your breasts are very magnificent,' said Martha. Her eyes sort of glazed over for a moment as she stared at them. 'But I thought we'd already agreed that he's very, very gay.'
'Oh, yeah.' It honestly hadn't occurred to Donna that would be much of an obstacle. 'Well, if the tits don't work, I'll just have to resort to slapping him around the face.'
'Y'know, sometimes I think he likes it when you do that,' said Martha.
And then she made a quick getaway, before she accidentally admitted that she liked watching it too.
::
'So, did you find his diary?'
'Sadly, no,' admitted Martha. 'But I think we might find a few clues in here.'
She showed Donna the box of artefacts she had located in the Doctor's room. It contained a pair of black leather gloves, a bundle of 'Vote Saxon' election leaflets, another novelty vibrator (bigger than the Doctor's), and a collection of CCTV tapes that, according to the labels, all contained footage from the Valiant.
Oh, and there was also a large box of tissues, but it was nearly empty.
'OK, now I'm really confused,' said Donna. 'Does any of this stuff mean anything to you?'
Martha gulped. She looked a bit queasy. 'I think,' she said slowly, 'that the Doctor might be a bit - well, a lot - gay for the Master.'
'The Master? Wasn't he the one who was Prime Minister?'
'That's the one,' said Martha. 'He was actually a Time Lord, which is good. On the downside, he was also evil.'
'He wasn't a Tory was he?' asked Donna.
'He was an evil, genocidal megalomaniac who murdered one-tenth of the Earth's population, enslaved the rest and forced them to build rockets to launch an inter-galactic war and take over the universe. Well, until I stopped him.'
'Yeah, but are you sure he wasn't a Tory?'
'Pretty much, yeah,' said Martha. 'So there is that to be grateful for. Not that it matters much - he's dead now.'
'Wasn't he married anyway?' said Donna. 'I think I saw his missus once on GMTV.'
'Yeah,' said Martha. 'You should have seen the jealous temper-tantrum the Doctor threw the first time he saw her. Not that it stopped him practically begging the Master to marry him a year later.'
Donna raised her eyebrows. 'Oh, he did, did he?'
'The Doctor was in a terrible state when the Master turned him down and just died,' said Martha. 'Sobbed like a bitch.'
'Right, and you didn't notice that the Doctor might just possibly, perhaps, be slightly in love with the Master because, what, your judgement was clouded by your own mad passion for the Doctor?'
Martha bristled. 'I told you before, I was just confused,' she said. Really, what had she been thinking? 'Anyway, I've got another brilliant idea. Do you want to hear it, or would you rather continue to insult me about my past weaknesses?'
'You can tell me about your idea later,' said Donna generously. 'But first, I'm gonna sex you.'
'Well, OK.' Martha laid back seductively. 'If you insist.'
Donna really, really did.
::
Lucy Saxon didn't exactly look pleased to see them.
'Oh, it's you,' she said, when Martha and Donna turned up on her doorstep unannounced. 'And you've brought a friend. How charming. What can I do to help?'
Lucy was dead posh, so she knew all about telling people to fuck off without being coarse.
Donna, on the other hand, was common as muck, so if she did get what Lucy was hinting at, she didn't give a rat's chuff.
'Our Time Lord fancies your dead husband,' she announced bluntly.
'Oh.' Lucy paled. 'Well, in that case, I suppose you'd better come in.'
::
'Really, Harry's just as bad,' said Lucy as she poured Donna and Martha another cup of tea. 'It was always Doctor this and Doctor that. He was completely obsessed.'
'Didn't it bother you?' asked Martha. 'Knowing that your husband was in big gay love with another man?'
'Not particularly, no.' Lucy shrugged. 'I only married him because he promised me my own lesbian harem when he took over the universe.'
'You've got a lesbian harem?'
'No,' said Lucy. She looked bloody cross about it as well. 'Bastard spent half the year we were on the Valiant wanking over an old pair of trainers and stealing my women. Why do you think I shot him?'
'You still shagged him, though,' said Donna. 'I read all about it in Cosmo.'
'Sometimes I don't mind the cock so much if they're really, really evil,' admitted Lucy. 'We all have our kinks, right?'
'Sometimes I kind of enjoy slapping the Doctor,' said Donna.
'I like to watch her do it,' said Martha. Bugger, she'd done it again, hadn't she? Maybe if she changed the subject quickly Donna wouldn't notice. 'So, anyway, not that I'm not enjoying Theatre Overshare, but this isn't really getting us anywhere, is it? Even if the Master does love the Doctor back, he's still dead.'
'Actually, he's not dead,' said Lucy. 'That was just a put-up job.'
'So where is he?'
'Downstairs,' said Lucy. 'I locked him in the wine cellar because I was getting sick of him rambling on about destroying the world in another of his pathetic attempts to get the Doctor to notice him.'
Donna rolled her eyes 'What is it about the Doctor that's so hot anyway? Bloke looks like a weasel.'
'From what I can get out of Harry, it all started years ago,' said Lucy. 'They had a bit of a thing when they were at university, but it ended badly and Harry's been in a jealous sulk ever since. He's spent the last millennium battling the Doctor across time and space because he just can't move on.'
For a woman married to an obsessive gay alien who had died more often than could be good for him, Lucy was awfully stoical about the whole thing. Possibly the thought that she might get her lesbian harem at some point sustained her.
'Bloody Martians,' said Donna. 'So basically the entire universe is at risk because the pair of them are too stubborn just to kiss and make up?'
'Perhaps we could, I don't know, convince them to try counselling?' suggested Martha. 'Although pity the poor therapist who has to deal with that pair.'
'I've got a better idea.' Lucy smiled, and there was a twinkle in her eye that suggested there was more than one evil Saxon in the world. 'Ladies, I think I may just have a plan that could make all five of us very happy indeed.'
::
'OK, so we've got this far, but what about the Doctor?' said Martha. 'He'll never agree to it.'
She, Donna and Lucy were huddled together in a small room that the long-suffering TARDIS had obligingly provided for them especially.
'I took care of Harry,' said Lucy, poking her husband, who lay unconscious on the floor, with the tip of her shoe. 'I'm sure the two of you can manage the Doctor between you.'
'Don't worry about that,' Donna assured her. 'I'll deal with him.'
'But you'll never convince him,' said Martha.
'Who said anything about convincing him?' said Donna. 'I'm going to knock him over the head with a frying pan.'
'Oh.'
'You can watch, if you like,' said Donna, with a wink.
Martha felt a bit flustered. 'Well, all right. I suppose I should be there to... keep an eye on things.'
'Don't either of you want a good luck kiss before you go?' said Lucy.
Well, they did have a time machine. (Martha had stolen the manual.) No need to rush things, was there?
::
The Doctor awoke with a banging headache. He sat up slowly, trying to work out what had happened. One minute he'd been in the TARDIS, quietly minding his own business and admiring his reflection in the kettle as he made himself a cup of tea, the next bam! total darkness.
Glancing around, the Doctor tried to figure out where the hell he was. He quickly realised that he was naked, and that there was a chain around his wrist. At the other end of the chain, lying equally naked and apparently unconscious on the grass there was... no it couldn't be. The Doctor shook his head - he must be hallucinating or something.
In between him and... the person who couldn't possibly be there, was a mobile phone, a large bottle of baby oil, and a note. The Doctor picked up the note and read it:
Dear Doctor,
Since you're obviously incapable of sorting out your own love life, we've decided to do it for you. You've probably realised by now that we've left you stranded on a deserted planet, chained up to the Master. (He's not dead, by the way.)
Hopefully some time alone will allow the two of you to resolve your differences, patch things up, make love not war, etc, etc. The baby oil should help with that. Well, we find it helps, anyway.
If the two of you do manage to sort things out and stop nearly blowing up the universe because you can't get a shag, you can use the phone to call and let us know. We might even come and fetch you, as long as we're not too busy with, you know, girl stuff.
Have fun!
Fond regards,
Martha, Donna, and Lucy.
The Doctor blinked. Bloody human women! Honestly, sometimes he thought they were more trouble than they were worth. As if the interference wasn't enough, they'd obviously gone and stolen his TARDIS as well. (Although, he did have a sneaking suspicion that the TARDIS might actually have helped.)
He was just getting ready to work himself up into a state of righteous indignation, when he spotted something moving out of the corner of his eye. The Master was waking up. Hastily, the Doctor hid the note and the phone behind a nearby tuft of grass, laid back, and concentrated on looking sexy.
Must as well make the most of things, after all.
::
Meanwhile the TARDIS spun happily around the Vortex, occasionally re-arranging reality a bit to stock up on more baby oil.
She had a feeling her girls were going to need it.
FIN
Originally posted to my journal on 19th November 2007
Author: shaggydogstail
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Donna/Martha, Doctor/Master (with appearances from Donna/Martha/Lucy, Lucy/Master, Martha/Doctor, Doctor/Reinette, and Doctor/his own bloody ego).
Description: Martha and Donna decide it's high time they resolved the question of the Doctor's sexuality once and for all. Well, when they aren't busy practising their own, that is.
Spoilers: The Sound of Drums, Last of the Time Lords, and Time Crash.
Disclaimer: The BBC owns all.
'You fancied the Doctor?' Donna grinned over the top of her wine glass, looking altogether too amused. And also kind of hot.
'Yes, well, it was a long time ago,' said Martha, shuffling slightly. She really ought to stop drinking with Donna - it always led to her making embarrassing revelations that Donna would tease her about for weeks afterwards.
'So what was it that first attracted you to him?' asked Donna. 'His manly physique or the air of quiet stoicism?'
'Shut up,' countered Martha eloquently. 'I don't know - I was under a lot of stress with my exams, he came along with his spaceship and his sonic screwdriver - '
' - novelty vibrator,' Donna corrected her.
'Novelty vibrator,' agreed Martha. 'I think I just got carried away with the excitement of the thing. Besides, that was before I got in touch with my own Delicious Lesbianism.'
'Hmm, nevermind the scrawny alien, tell me more about touching delicious lesbians,' said Donna.
So Martha did, and neither of them gave any further thought to the Doctor for some considerable time.
::
'Have you noticed, though, how he spends so much time flirting but it never seems to go anywhere?'
Donna took a break from fondling Martha's arse to look up at her. 'Him again? I think he's just a naughty little alien slutboi tease.'
'The first time I met him, he stuck his tongue down my throat and insisted it was a genetic transfer.' Martha looked a little wistful.
'That's a new one.' Donna looked slightly disappointed that she hadn't been there to watch. 'So, he leads women on, but he doesn't put out. Maybe he's just a really crap lay and doesn't want anyone to find out.'
'I think he's gay,' said Martha. 'I reckon time-travel makes you gay.'
'Huh?' Donna always was better at practical than theory.
'Think about it; I never even considered Delicious Lesbianism until after I'd spent a while travelling with the Doctor.'
'I was going to marry a bloke until I got pulled into the TARDIS,' said Donna. 'Of course, he turned out to be evil.'
'The TARDIS has all sorts of peculiar functions,' said Martha. 'I reckon there's something about the TARDIS that turns people gay.'
Martha was a doctor, after all, so it was no surprise that she was ace at scientific theories.
'The Doctor's been in the TARDIS for a really long time,' said Donna.
'900 years,' said Martha. 'Long enough to make him gayer than a Broadway production of Dumbledore: A Christmas Story.'
'That really is very gay indeed.' Donna nodded solemnly. She paused to contemplate the issue for a moment. 'So, do you reckon that if we were to get naked and rub up against the TARDIS console we might get even gayer?'
Martha grinned. 'Only one way to find out,' she said. 'Although... do you think we ought to talk to the Doctor? He might be happier if we could help him come to terms with his sexuality.'
'Yeah, yeah, whatever,' said Donna as she set to work unbuttoning Martha's blouse. 'But later, yeah? Science first, therapy after.'
Martha, of course, was far too smart to argue.
::
'I am not gay!' said the Doctor. He seemed shocked and flustered, and his voice was going a bit squeaky. 'I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course. Open-minded sort of a time-and-space traveller me, people can do what they like as long as it doesn't scare the children or horses. I don't mind you two being gay, for instance, although I do wish you wouldn't be so secretive about it. Friends shouldn't have secrets, you know. Open-ness and honesty, that's the way to go and - ow!'
Donna slapped him. The Doctor hadn't actually done anything wrong, as such (well, apart his thinly-veiled attempts to be allowed to perve on Donna and Martha going at it girl-style, but Donna didn't blame him for that). It was just that a quick slap was the only way to get him to shut the fuck up occasionally.
'When was the last time you did it with a girl?' she asked.
'Not that it's any of your business, but it was in the eighteenth century,' said the Doctor. Neither Donna nor Martha looked particularly impressed. 'It was Madame de Pompadour!'
'Yeah, right,' scoffed Donna.
'Did you actually engage in sexual intercourse with this woman?' asked Martha. 'Including full penetration leading to mutual climax?'
Martha liked talking technical about sex. It made Donna hot for her.
The Doctor shuffled. 'Look, I didn't have much time,' he said, 'and there were a lot of petticoats...'
'Thought so,' said Donna smugly. She exchanged a knowing glance with Martha.
'Gay,' they chorused.
'I am not gay,' muttered the Doctor.
::
'He is not gay,' insisted Jack. 'Trust me, I'd know.'
'Do you mean, trust me, I've tried?' Donna was no fool.
'He is an alien, you know,' said Jack. 'I think maybe he just isn't interested in having sex with humans.'
Jack had clearly given the matter a lot of thought, and come to the conclusion that it was the only logical reason why anyone wouldn't have sex with him.
'Maybe he isn't sexually attracted to creepy obsessives who collect his spare body parts?' suggested Martha.
'Doctor Jones, I'm wounded.' Jack pouted. 'Such unkind words aren't worthy of you. Although if you two ladies would care to make it up to me, I'm sure we can come to a mutually satisfying arrangement.'
'Nice try, Harkness, but Donna and I don't do cock anymore,' said Martha. 'If it's some hot girl-on-girl action you want, we did see Tosh and Gwen heading towards the showers earlier.'
Jack was out of the office like a scalded cat.
'Wanna do it on his desk while he's not looking?' said Martha.
Donna was already kicking off her shoes. 'I thought you'd never ask.'
::
'You know, I think Jack might have had a point,' said Martha. 'Maybe the Doctor only fancies Time Lords.'
Donna sighed. She was still recovering from her and Martha's latest post-saving the universe sex marathon, and really couldn't be arsed with worrying about the Doctor and his emo.
'Yeah, well, if he does that's his problem,' she said. 'It's not our fault he killed the others.'
'You're a harsh woman, Donna Noble.'
'And that's the way you like me,' said Donna, giving Martha's backside a playful slap. 'Although... it would explain why he seems so bloody in love with himself.'
'I did catch him staring at his own reflection the other day,' mused Martha. 'I think he was trying to lick his own freckles.'
'There's no accounting for what he'll use that gob for - I once saw him fellating a stick of celery.' Donna shuddered. 'Don't even want to think about what that means.'
'It's worse than I thought,' said Martha. 'We really have to do something about him before the damage caused by his underlying psycho-sexual trauma gets any worse.'
'Look, it's not that I'm not sympathetic,' said Donna, although she wasn't really. 'I just don't see what we can do about it, especially as the sulky little Martian has made he clear that he doesn't want to talk about it.'
'I was thinking maybe we should... investigate,' said Martha, raising her eyebrow in a very naughty and alluring manner.
'Why, Doctor Jones,' said Donna, 'are you suggesting we steal his diary?'
'It's for his own good,' said Martha.
'Oh, absolutely.' Donna nodded enthusiastically in a bid to convince Martha she also had the Doctor's best interests at heart, and was in no way looking for cheap thrills and further mocking material. 'Right, well, you go and search his room while I distract him with my magnificent breasts.'
'Your breasts are very magnificent,' said Martha. Her eyes sort of glazed over for a moment as she stared at them. 'But I thought we'd already agreed that he's very, very gay.'
'Oh, yeah.' It honestly hadn't occurred to Donna that would be much of an obstacle. 'Well, if the tits don't work, I'll just have to resort to slapping him around the face.'
'Y'know, sometimes I think he likes it when you do that,' said Martha.
And then she made a quick getaway, before she accidentally admitted that she liked watching it too.
::
'So, did you find his diary?'
'Sadly, no,' admitted Martha. 'But I think we might find a few clues in here.'
She showed Donna the box of artefacts she had located in the Doctor's room. It contained a pair of black leather gloves, a bundle of 'Vote Saxon' election leaflets, another novelty vibrator (bigger than the Doctor's), and a collection of CCTV tapes that, according to the labels, all contained footage from the Valiant.
Oh, and there was also a large box of tissues, but it was nearly empty.
'OK, now I'm really confused,' said Donna. 'Does any of this stuff mean anything to you?'
Martha gulped. She looked a bit queasy. 'I think,' she said slowly, 'that the Doctor might be a bit - well, a lot - gay for the Master.'
'The Master? Wasn't he the one who was Prime Minister?'
'That's the one,' said Martha. 'He was actually a Time Lord, which is good. On the downside, he was also evil.'
'He wasn't a Tory was he?' asked Donna.
'He was an evil, genocidal megalomaniac who murdered one-tenth of the Earth's population, enslaved the rest and forced them to build rockets to launch an inter-galactic war and take over the universe. Well, until I stopped him.'
'Yeah, but are you sure he wasn't a Tory?'
'Pretty much, yeah,' said Martha. 'So there is that to be grateful for. Not that it matters much - he's dead now.'
'Wasn't he married anyway?' said Donna. 'I think I saw his missus once on GMTV.'
'Yeah,' said Martha. 'You should have seen the jealous temper-tantrum the Doctor threw the first time he saw her. Not that it stopped him practically begging the Master to marry him a year later.'
Donna raised her eyebrows. 'Oh, he did, did he?'
'The Doctor was in a terrible state when the Master turned him down and just died,' said Martha. 'Sobbed like a bitch.'
'Right, and you didn't notice that the Doctor might just possibly, perhaps, be slightly in love with the Master because, what, your judgement was clouded by your own mad passion for the Doctor?'
Martha bristled. 'I told you before, I was just confused,' she said. Really, what had she been thinking? 'Anyway, I've got another brilliant idea. Do you want to hear it, or would you rather continue to insult me about my past weaknesses?'
'You can tell me about your idea later,' said Donna generously. 'But first, I'm gonna sex you.'
'Well, OK.' Martha laid back seductively. 'If you insist.'
Donna really, really did.
::
Lucy Saxon didn't exactly look pleased to see them.
'Oh, it's you,' she said, when Martha and Donna turned up on her doorstep unannounced. 'And you've brought a friend. How charming. What can I do to help?'
Lucy was dead posh, so she knew all about telling people to fuck off without being coarse.
Donna, on the other hand, was common as muck, so if she did get what Lucy was hinting at, she didn't give a rat's chuff.
'Our Time Lord fancies your dead husband,' she announced bluntly.
'Oh.' Lucy paled. 'Well, in that case, I suppose you'd better come in.'
::
'Really, Harry's just as bad,' said Lucy as she poured Donna and Martha another cup of tea. 'It was always Doctor this and Doctor that. He was completely obsessed.'
'Didn't it bother you?' asked Martha. 'Knowing that your husband was in big gay love with another man?'
'Not particularly, no.' Lucy shrugged. 'I only married him because he promised me my own lesbian harem when he took over the universe.'
'You've got a lesbian harem?'
'No,' said Lucy. She looked bloody cross about it as well. 'Bastard spent half the year we were on the Valiant wanking over an old pair of trainers and stealing my women. Why do you think I shot him?'
'You still shagged him, though,' said Donna. 'I read all about it in Cosmo.'
'Sometimes I don't mind the cock so much if they're really, really evil,' admitted Lucy. 'We all have our kinks, right?'
'Sometimes I kind of enjoy slapping the Doctor,' said Donna.
'I like to watch her do it,' said Martha. Bugger, she'd done it again, hadn't she? Maybe if she changed the subject quickly Donna wouldn't notice. 'So, anyway, not that I'm not enjoying Theatre Overshare, but this isn't really getting us anywhere, is it? Even if the Master does love the Doctor back, he's still dead.'
'Actually, he's not dead,' said Lucy. 'That was just a put-up job.'
'So where is he?'
'Downstairs,' said Lucy. 'I locked him in the wine cellar because I was getting sick of him rambling on about destroying the world in another of his pathetic attempts to get the Doctor to notice him.'
Donna rolled her eyes 'What is it about the Doctor that's so hot anyway? Bloke looks like a weasel.'
'From what I can get out of Harry, it all started years ago,' said Lucy. 'They had a bit of a thing when they were at university, but it ended badly and Harry's been in a jealous sulk ever since. He's spent the last millennium battling the Doctor across time and space because he just can't move on.'
For a woman married to an obsessive gay alien who had died more often than could be good for him, Lucy was awfully stoical about the whole thing. Possibly the thought that she might get her lesbian harem at some point sustained her.
'Bloody Martians,' said Donna. 'So basically the entire universe is at risk because the pair of them are too stubborn just to kiss and make up?'
'Perhaps we could, I don't know, convince them to try counselling?' suggested Martha. 'Although pity the poor therapist who has to deal with that pair.'
'I've got a better idea.' Lucy smiled, and there was a twinkle in her eye that suggested there was more than one evil Saxon in the world. 'Ladies, I think I may just have a plan that could make all five of us very happy indeed.'
::
'OK, so we've got this far, but what about the Doctor?' said Martha. 'He'll never agree to it.'
She, Donna and Lucy were huddled together in a small room that the long-suffering TARDIS had obligingly provided for them especially.
'I took care of Harry,' said Lucy, poking her husband, who lay unconscious on the floor, with the tip of her shoe. 'I'm sure the two of you can manage the Doctor between you.'
'Don't worry about that,' Donna assured her. 'I'll deal with him.'
'But you'll never convince him,' said Martha.
'Who said anything about convincing him?' said Donna. 'I'm going to knock him over the head with a frying pan.'
'Oh.'
'You can watch, if you like,' said Donna, with a wink.
Martha felt a bit flustered. 'Well, all right. I suppose I should be there to... keep an eye on things.'
'Don't either of you want a good luck kiss before you go?' said Lucy.
Well, they did have a time machine. (Martha had stolen the manual.) No need to rush things, was there?
::
The Doctor awoke with a banging headache. He sat up slowly, trying to work out what had happened. One minute he'd been in the TARDIS, quietly minding his own business and admiring his reflection in the kettle as he made himself a cup of tea, the next bam! total darkness.
Glancing around, the Doctor tried to figure out where the hell he was. He quickly realised that he was naked, and that there was a chain around his wrist. At the other end of the chain, lying equally naked and apparently unconscious on the grass there was... no it couldn't be. The Doctor shook his head - he must be hallucinating or something.
In between him and... the person who couldn't possibly be there, was a mobile phone, a large bottle of baby oil, and a note. The Doctor picked up the note and read it:
Dear Doctor,
Since you're obviously incapable of sorting out your own love life, we've decided to do it for you. You've probably realised by now that we've left you stranded on a deserted planet, chained up to the Master. (He's not dead, by the way.)
Hopefully some time alone will allow the two of you to resolve your differences, patch things up, make love not war, etc, etc. The baby oil should help with that. Well, we find it helps, anyway.
If the two of you do manage to sort things out and stop nearly blowing up the universe because you can't get a shag, you can use the phone to call and let us know. We might even come and fetch you, as long as we're not too busy with, you know, girl stuff.
Have fun!
Fond regards,
Martha, Donna, and Lucy.
The Doctor blinked. Bloody human women! Honestly, sometimes he thought they were more trouble than they were worth. As if the interference wasn't enough, they'd obviously gone and stolen his TARDIS as well. (Although, he did have a sneaking suspicion that the TARDIS might actually have helped.)
He was just getting ready to work himself up into a state of righteous indignation, when he spotted something moving out of the corner of his eye. The Master was waking up. Hastily, the Doctor hid the note and the phone behind a nearby tuft of grass, laid back, and concentrated on looking sexy.
Must as well make the most of things, after all.
::
Meanwhile the TARDIS spun happily around the Vortex, occasionally re-arranging reality a bit to stock up on more baby oil.
She had a feeling her girls were going to need it.
FIN
Originally posted to my journal on 19th November 2007