Leave No Room For Regrets
Many people have regrets in their past, things they wish not said, actions they wish not taken. apisanthrop wishes I didn't have the life I had which causes me pain every day of my life. I, on the other hand, am very satisfied with all the things that have happened in my life. If things had not happened just so I would not be where I am today.
I'll start from the beginning seeing as how stories are generally easier to understand that way. Had I not had to fight so hard to be given permission to date a guy who was 3 years older than me I might have been more willing to let go when I needed to. A three year age difference may not sound like much, but when it means that he's legally an adult and you're not, it does mean a lot. From my fighting to be with him I learned that I can stand up for what I believe in and fully give my all to seeing something happen. I have a great strength of will power when it comes to seeing through things.
Unfortunately that did turn out to be a bit of a bad thing as he beat the hell out of me and abused me in every way possible. I have developed a very high pain tolerance from living through things that I should never have had to. Because of my need for love a door was opened for his father to whisper promises of protection and security, so long as I chose to be with him instead of his son. I thought he'd follow through, I thought he'd really be there for me. He was certainly there when I needed affection after his son used me as he saw fit, while he listened through the wall. However, when I came clean about it all and asked for help at the church I was ostracized and turned out. I learned then that to criticize or cast doubt upon the highly praised in their own bailiwick was not the way to go. I also found that even the loudest of the "clean" and "pure" can be hypocrites of the highest order. From this a disillusionment with organized religion was born.
At this point I would have taken any protection available that presented itself to me. When I met an older man who heaped on praise, declarations of love, and promises of protection I lept at the glimmer of freedom I saw. I married while young and ignorant. I learned the value of a clean home and a paycheck. There were times we went without, or rather, times I went without because he wanted a new toy. There were times when the state of the kitchen would have made a roach turn pale and walk out. I knew nothing of cleaning or budgeting. I trusted him to follow through on his promises. I learned that there are reasons we have passwords on our systems and to protect out accounts ... and I learned how to break them. I found out just how much I could still be hurt when I found the proof I had suspected. I also found out just how easy it is to appear to be making an effort to "work things out" when really, you're only laying the ground work for your own departure. I learned how to change my bank account information and to finally put my happiness first for a change.
Had things been different I wouldn't have needed to be loved as much, yearned so hard for affection; but, because I was, I found a relationship with my Boy. I learned that even with the best of intentions sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them too. Through his love I found that honesty and compassion do still exist in this world. It hasn't been the smoothest of relationships, but it is more loving and supportive of me and my continued happiness than any other relationship in my past. By talking to my Boy and to my Sir I have found that I am not a slut because I love sex, I am not ugly as I have been told time and time again that I am, and I am not stupid as was often the refrain of past insults by those that couldn't handle me being me. I have learned that I am beautiful and smart and in touch with my own needs and desires. Luckily they were patient enough to continually remind me of these lessons. Through talking with Sir I learned that submission does not always equal the rape of the psyche as I had been conditioned. A dominator should only have the power the sub gives them out of love and respect. Because of his lessons I understood how trust given correctly should be honored, with love, compassion, and respect on both sides of the equation.
Because I was finally in a place where I could accept being me for me and loving myself I was at a point in my life where I could open my heart to another person. A person that, because of all I had learned about myself and human nature, I could help heal from past wounds of the soul and the heart. I could assist him in standing on his own again and returning to the strong, confident, and happy person his friends remembered. I learned that sometimes I need to be supported and sometimes I need to be the support. I learned that a relationship would be strengthened by open communication, complete honesty, and willingness to compromise when necessary.
I have no regrets over anything in my past because each and every step has brought me to the place I am now. I live with one of my loves and we have a strong, loving relationship that many thought doomed because of all the pain in our pasts. I have another Love who is always there to talk to me as I need it and willing to be my sounding board for any problem. I have in Sir a friend whom I trust and respect and know that no matter what he will tell me the truth as he sees it, not just what I need to hear. I am a stronger person because of my past, not in spite of it. Knowing what I know now, I would still date this one, I would still marry that one, I would still have made every choice that I did.
Regrets? Others may have them but I have none. I have hope, love, and a sense of self. I look forward to tomorrow and each sunrise afterward.
I'll start from the beginning seeing as how stories are generally easier to understand that way. Had I not had to fight so hard to be given permission to date a guy who was 3 years older than me I might have been more willing to let go when I needed to. A three year age difference may not sound like much, but when it means that he's legally an adult and you're not, it does mean a lot. From my fighting to be with him I learned that I can stand up for what I believe in and fully give my all to seeing something happen. I have a great strength of will power when it comes to seeing through things.
Unfortunately that did turn out to be a bit of a bad thing as he beat the hell out of me and abused me in every way possible. I have developed a very high pain tolerance from living through things that I should never have had to. Because of my need for love a door was opened for his father to whisper promises of protection and security, so long as I chose to be with him instead of his son. I thought he'd follow through, I thought he'd really be there for me. He was certainly there when I needed affection after his son used me as he saw fit, while he listened through the wall. However, when I came clean about it all and asked for help at the church I was ostracized and turned out. I learned then that to criticize or cast doubt upon the highly praised in their own bailiwick was not the way to go. I also found that even the loudest of the "clean" and "pure" can be hypocrites of the highest order. From this a disillusionment with organized religion was born.
At this point I would have taken any protection available that presented itself to me. When I met an older man who heaped on praise, declarations of love, and promises of protection I lept at the glimmer of freedom I saw. I married while young and ignorant. I learned the value of a clean home and a paycheck. There were times we went without, or rather, times I went without because he wanted a new toy. There were times when the state of the kitchen would have made a roach turn pale and walk out. I knew nothing of cleaning or budgeting. I trusted him to follow through on his promises. I learned that there are reasons we have passwords on our systems and to protect out accounts ... and I learned how to break them. I found out just how much I could still be hurt when I found the proof I had suspected. I also found out just how easy it is to appear to be making an effort to "work things out" when really, you're only laying the ground work for your own departure. I learned how to change my bank account information and to finally put my happiness first for a change.
Had things been different I wouldn't have needed to be loved as much, yearned so hard for affection; but, because I was, I found a relationship with my Boy. I learned that even with the best of intentions sometimes things don't work out how you'd like them too. Through his love I found that honesty and compassion do still exist in this world. It hasn't been the smoothest of relationships, but it is more loving and supportive of me and my continued happiness than any other relationship in my past. By talking to my Boy and to my Sir I have found that I am not a slut because I love sex, I am not ugly as I have been told time and time again that I am, and I am not stupid as was often the refrain of past insults by those that couldn't handle me being me. I have learned that I am beautiful and smart and in touch with my own needs and desires. Luckily they were patient enough to continually remind me of these lessons. Through talking with Sir I learned that submission does not always equal the rape of the psyche as I had been conditioned. A dominator should only have the power the sub gives them out of love and respect. Because of his lessons I understood how trust given correctly should be honored, with love, compassion, and respect on both sides of the equation.
Because I was finally in a place where I could accept being me for me and loving myself I was at a point in my life where I could open my heart to another person. A person that, because of all I had learned about myself and human nature, I could help heal from past wounds of the soul and the heart. I could assist him in standing on his own again and returning to the strong, confident, and happy person his friends remembered. I learned that sometimes I need to be supported and sometimes I need to be the support. I learned that a relationship would be strengthened by open communication, complete honesty, and willingness to compromise when necessary.
I have no regrets over anything in my past because each and every step has brought me to the place I am now. I live with one of my loves and we have a strong, loving relationship that many thought doomed because of all the pain in our pasts. I have another Love who is always there to talk to me as I need it and willing to be my sounding board for any problem. I have in Sir a friend whom I trust and respect and know that no matter what he will tell me the truth as he sees it, not just what I need to hear. I am a stronger person because of my past, not in spite of it. Knowing what I know now, I would still date this one, I would still marry that one, I would still have made every choice that I did.
Regrets? Others may have them but I have none. I have hope, love, and a sense of self. I look forward to tomorrow and each sunrise afterward.