Walls by lupinslittlesis
Title: Walls
Author: lupinslittlesis
Summary: A relationship gone horribly wrong makes Remus wary. Sirius is determined to get through anyway.
Rating: R to NC-17
Recipient: lorrainemarker
***
Walls
It was sixth year, his name was Lucas Watts, and he wasn't remotely everything Sirius had ever dreamed of. Of course, Sirius wasn't sure what it was he'd been dreaming of and rather thought that dreams were for skirts or for wusses (and he meant that in the best possible way) like Prongs, so Lucas Watts did very nicely. He was certainly good looking- tall and slender with reddish blond hair and hazel eyes- and he was a seventh year, a Gryffindor, and extremely discreet. During the bitter days of February and March when it was hard to speak to his friends because too many ghosts and regrets stood between them, it was hardly even remarked upon that Sirius would spend so much time with another Gryffindor, even if he was a year older and was from a Muggle family. After all, Peter was spending more and more time with the Divination Society, James was actually having conversations with Lily, and Remus was spending more time under Slughorn's eye, struggling with his N.E.W.T. level potions class. If anyone noticed Sirius and Lucas sneaking off for an hour in some remote spot, it wasn't remarked upon.
"I'm not looking for the love of a lifetime," Lucas had confided when this had begun. "I'm just looking to get off." Sirius had been amused at the contrast between the matter-of-fact words and the way Lucas blushed. He'd also appreciated the honesty… and the fact that Lucas hadn't been lying. They spent some time together and certainly slept together, but when Valentine's Day rolled around there were no chocolates or flowers or love poems, and Lucas went to Hogwarts with his friends and Sirius went with James, Peter, and Remus.
It wasn't love or anything like it, but it was damn good sex and it taught Sirius everything he needed to know.
***
"Your friend Remus," Lucas said one night as they sat out on the roof, smoking cigarettes and huddled together for warmth. "Does he have a girlfriend?"
Sirius snorted. "No." He took a deep drag. "Why?"
"My friend Hope fancies him. She asked me to sound you out. I was supposed to be subtle."
Sirius laughed. "Subtle's never been your style." He took another drag, picturing Hope. She was a somewhat pretty girl with an ordinary body and extraordinary brown eyes, deep and large and framed by long lashes. She was exactly the type of girl Sirius would picture for Remus; sweet and kind, but with enough of a spark to draw him out. "He's never mentioned her, but he's never mentioned girls in general."
"One of us?" Lucas asked.
"Don't think so. Just shy." Sirius studied the end of his cigarette. "Can't see why he wouldn't go for her, though. She does N.E.W.T. level potions, right?"
"Yeah." Lucas leaned back on his elbows, looking up at the sky.
Sirius joined him. "Tell her he's struggling. It's not a lie, and it's an in at the same time."
"Right." Lucas turned towards Sirius. "I know it's getting ahead and everything, but Hope and I were going to spend the Saturday before Easter in London. You and Remus could join us."
"Let the poor girl snare him, first," Sirius laughed, and then the import of the words set in. "Does Hope know? About us, I mean?"
Lucas turned back to the sky. "Yeah. She knows."
"Oh."
"Should I tell her not to tell Remus?"
Sirius thought about that. He wasn't a coward, of course, but he'd never have an easier option.
"Nah. She can tell him what she likes."
"All right then." Lucas dropped his cigarette and moved closer, and they were both more than happy to have the conversation end there.
***
Sirius knew when Hope finally approached Remus about Potions, saying that Slughorn had suggested it to her (which was utterly untrue, but amusing all the same). And he knew the exact day that Hope had told Remus that Sirius was sleeping with Lucas, even if Remus didn't say a single word about it. He knew it because Remus deliberately sat next to him that night as they worked on their homework, his shoulder lightly touching Sirius's. He hadn't done that since before Christmas, when Sirius had sent Snape down the tunnel and to the Shrieking Shack.
"She fancies you," James observed to Remus after the fifth study session he'd had with Hope. "Are you going to do anything about it?"
Remus shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I hadn't thought about it." But he looked at his book as he said it, and Sirius knew he'd thought about it a great deal.
Peter and James exchanged identical evil grins. "Do you want to?" James asked, leering.
"She is quite fit," Peter pointed out. "Not like Evans or Lyle, but she's not bad at all. And she's a seventh year."
Remus didn't answer, he just kept his eyes on the book, but there was a flush on his cheekbones. Peter whooped.
"I knew it!" he crowed. "About time, Moony!"
Sirius looked up in time to see Remus fix Peter with his "Prefect Gaze", but other than that he gave no response. Sirius rather thought that Remus already knew exactly what he was going to do.
***
"So do you like her?" he asked Remus one day shortly before the Easter holiday.
"Who, Lily?" Remus said, lying upside down off his bed and flicking Exploding Snap cards across the room. "She's all right. I'll be amazed if she gives into Prongs, though."
"Git," Sirius responded, exasperated. "I meant Hope."
"I guess so."
"Are you… you know…?"
"Not that it's really your business-"
"That's a no."
"Exactly." A card exploded, and Remus grinned. "But since you ask, we are meeting you and Lucas in London the day before Easter."
"Excellent!" Sirius was pleased.
"What are you telling James?" Remus asked. "I assume he knows about you and Lucas." Sirius looked up at the ceiling, his silence forcing Remus to struggle to sit up, his face red from the blood that had rushed to it. "What?" he said, incredulous. "James doesn't know?"
Sirius shook his head.
"Oh." He turned this over, and then said quietly, "oh."
"Right," Sirius agreed, helplessly. "Oh."
***
The Saturday before Easter was sunny, but bitterly cold. Sirius stood waiting on a street corner, his hands thrust deeply into his pockets and nose buried under the wool of his scarf. He was still standing there when Remus arrived fifteen minutes later, out of breath and with a black cloak wrapped around his shoulders.
"They're not here yet?" he asked, glancing around.
Sirius shook his head and fumbled for a cigarette. "It's not like Lucas to be this late," he said, attempting to light the end and failing miserably in the wind.
"Or Hope," Remus agreed. He peered up at the street sign. "We are at the right place, right?"
"Yeah." Sirius checked the sign himself. They stared at each other helplessly.
"There's a coffee shop right over there," Remus finally suggested. "We could go in and get a cup while we wait."
"All right."
They settled on stools by the counter, and Sirius had to admit he was grateful for the warmth, even if the place was dodgy and the coffee actually coagulated. They chatted idly about end of the year exams and the next Quidditch game, which would be Ravenclaw against Slytherin, and another half hour ticked by.
"We could use one of those telephone things to call," Sirius suggested. "Lucas's parents are Muggles."
"They were meeting at Hope's place, and her parents aren't," Remus said. "Besides, we're wizards. Why don't we just Apperate on over and ring the doorbell?"
Sirius didn't have his Apparation License yet, but couldn't see any good reason why Remus's suggestion didn't have merit. "Let's go," he agreed, fishing out a few Muggle coins and plunking them down on the counter.
He really wished they hadn't.
***
It was midnight by the time they returned to the Potters, both of them still shaken from the day's events. The acrid smell of smoke clung to their robes and hair, and their faces were still smudged with soot from the fire. It had felt indecent to ask to clean up when the Aurors were questioning them, and besides, they'd both insisted on helping to sift through the wreckage.
The house was completely destroyed. They both knew that Death Eaters did that, but to actually see it, instead of hear it whispered about in hushed tones in the corridors of Hogwarts… neither of them had been prepared for the reality of a family's life smoking before them.
Or for the corpses that were left in the ruins. Sirius had been physically ill when he saw them, doubled over in a corner. Lucas's eyes had been open, but there was no light in them and the bottom of his body had been crushed by the house falling in on itself. Hope's parents had been burnt beyond recognition, and Hope herself had her arms around a younger girl. Her face was cut and there were burns in her clothing and on her limbs. Remus had stood over her, afraid to touch her until the Aurors had come.
The Aurors had been horror-stricken as well. The afternoon and evening had passed in a haze, and eventually a woman named Emmaline Vance had seen them back to the Potter house, and promised to tell the Lupins where Remus was for the night.
James was asleep, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter were talking to Emmaline. Sirius and Remus retreated up the stairs, both of them silent as they wandered into Sirius's room. Sirius plopped down onto the bed, flat at his back, staring at the ceiling. Remus sat down next to him, his robes gathered in his hands, soot smudged on his cheek.
"She was my girlfriend," Remus finally said out loud.
"Yeah?" Sirius's eyes were tracking a hairline crack in the ceiling. "Didn't know that."
"It happened two weeks ago. I asked her."
"Bet she was happy," Sirius said simply.
Remus shrugged.
"Were you happy?" he finally asked. "With Lucas?"
Sirius pondered that with all the emotion he would invest in an Arithmancy problem. "I don't know that with is the right word," he finally said. "We were just shagging. But I liked him. He was a good bloke."
"He seemed like it." Remus was staring far off, tracing lines on his arms. It took Sirius several minutes to realize that Remus was seeing the cuts that had been on Hope's body.
"Come here," he said suddenly, moving over and patting the spot beside him on the bed. Remus sat down stiffly, and Sirius put an arm around his shoulders.
They sat in the darkness until the dawn tinted the windows.
***
It probably wasn't fair, Sirius reflected, but he couldn't really help James out. James had no idea what to say, and Sirius had no idea what he wanted to he wanted to hear. So instead the spent the day in silence, working on their Transfiguration homework and reading ahead in Astronomy.
"I liked Watts," James said suddenly, an hour before Easter dinner was to be served. "I didn't know him well, but I liked him."
"He was a good bloke," Sirius repeated, his voice hollow. He thought about telling James the truth, but decided it wasn't important now. Lucas deserved to be remembered well.
James was staring at his book. "Padfoot," he began, in a tone of voice that Sirius had only heard once, back in February after James pulled a trembling Snivellus from the tunnel leading to the Shack, "Hope and Moony…?"
"You heard," Sirius said.
"She was tortured," James said. "And she was a wizard. Not pureblood, but close enough."
"Yes."
"Moony?" James asked, turning his quill over in his fingers. "It was because of Moony?"
"Bloody hell, Prongs, I'm not a Death Eater or a Divination expert," Sirius scowled. "Your guess is as good as mine."
James looked out the window because they both knew the answer, and they knew that Remus did, too.
***
It was a horrible thing to find a bright side, Sirius thought sourly, especially in a tragedy like what had just happened. But there was a bright side, and it was in Remus's eyes. There was trust there again; trust, and something deeper that Sirius couldn't name but recognized as some sort of bond. He felt it in the way he could relax around Remus again, in the way Remus's laughter was never forced, in the quiet moments when he knew the silence was from comfort, not awkwardness. And so, no matter how it had come about, Sirius took it for what it was.
He tried not to think much about Lucas, and in the end, he didn't. Not really. But hazel eyes haunted his nightmares, and more than once he woke up screaming. But he didn't tell anyone that; not even James.
Remus never mentioned Hope again. But every now and then, Sirius found him perched on the windowsill, staring out at the darkness and tracing invisible cuts on his arms.
"You can't blame yourself," he said once, in late November of their seventh year.
"I don't," Remus replied smoothly. But he didn't turn away from the window as he said it. "Look. It's snowing."
Sirius came over to the window sill and looked outside. "It is," he agreed, for once floundering on what to say.
"You know, we only have six months left," Remus said, still watching the snowflakes dance on tiny air currents. "It's like standing on the edge of a pier and waiting to jump off, but having no idea what you're jumping into."
Sirius shrugged impatiently. The end of school bothered him not at all, and in fact he knew the feeling that Remus was talking about, but that was something to be excited about, not dread. But then, the honest little voice inside him whispered, Sirius had an inheritance and prospects of employment. Remus had… well, not much.
"Dumbledore won't let you walk out of here without something planned," he pointed out.
Remus snorted inelegantly. "I don't want any more charity."
Sirius sat down on the windowsill across from Remus. "S'not charity," he said. "It's more like… an introduction. A reference." Remus made a face, and Sirius decided to change the subject. "So are you coming to visit me and Prongs over Christmas? Wormtail'll be there on Boxing Day."
"I might," Remus said, which they both knew translated to yes. "Is Lily finally joining in as well?"
"As far as I know," Sirius said with a huge sigh. He stretched his legs out, his feet brushing against Remus's calf. Remus didn't move away. "Kind of wish she wouldn't, but there's not much I can do about it."
"It could be worse." Remus looked out the window again, and Sirius was suddenly very aware of the solid warmth of Remus's leg against his. "What about you, Padfoot? Any other… friends?"
Sirius shook his head, watching intently as Remus pressed his forehead to the window pane. "No," he said. "I haven't bothered since Lucas."
"Why not?" Remus asked, turning back to face Sirius, his brown eyes wide with surprise.
Sirius shrugged. "Don't really know anyone else who would be interested, and I'm not really dying to expose myself to the entire school." His voice was dead as he said it.
Remus nodded, and his foot twitched against Sirius's leg, and their eyes locked. In the light coming from their room, Sirius could see Remus's pupils dilating, just a bit. He was suddenly, intensely aware of the smell of Remus, the warmth of him, and the way their legs were tangled together. He suspected Remus was, too. But Remus didn't say anything, and there was a lump in Sirius's throat that kept him from asking anything more.
A part of Sirius was telling him to back away, this couldn't end well, but he didn't listen. Instead, he leaned in, grasped Remus's shoulders, and kissed him.
Under his hands and lips, Remus went stiff, but at the same time he kissed back. It was awkward, tense, and not anything like kissing Lucas had been, but when he began to explore Remus's neck with his lips he could feel Remus's pulse, strong and fast and frantic.
He'd never considered Remus Lupin as a sexual partner before, and right now he had to wonder exactly why that was. Then he decided not to bother wondering as he pushed Remus back against the window jamb, hands traveling lower to the small of Remus's back and pulling him close. Remus's mouth opened wide under Sirius's, and his hands tangled in Sirius's hair.
Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea…, the voice in his head kept chanting. But he couldn't listen, couldn't stop, not with Remus under him, his lips hungry on Sirius's, messily devouring anything Sirius would give. He found the fastenings on Remus's robe and undid them roughly with one hand as the other pushed the hem of the robe up past their waists. He'd had no idea he'd wanted this, and certainly not this intensely, but now that it was here and his for the taking-
And suddenly, everything changed. Remus gasped under him and grabbed his shoulders, pushing him away.
"No," Remus gasped.
"Why not?" Sirius demanded roughly, trying to pull him closer.
"I'm not a replacement."
"Bullshit. You know I don't think you are."
Remus didn't answer, but pushed Sirius away again. This time, Sirius let him. "It's not a good idea," Remus said.
"Why not?" Sirius demanded, even though he could come up with a thousand reasons himself.
"Because I shouldn't be involved with anyone," Remus said, iciness descending and freezing his demeanor. He gave Sirius a final push and began straightening his robes. He looked the model of the prim and proper Prefect, but when he glanced up, Sirius saw the lust burning in his eyes, and was completely confused.
"Remus-"
"Just forget it, okay, Sirius? It won't work." Sirius nodded, and Remus stood up, shaking out his robes. "I'll see you in a bit, and we'll just act like it never happened." With that, Remus swept out the door.
Sirius sat on the windowsill, startled to realize he was shaking. "What just happened?" he asked the room at large.
Despite the magic in the castle, the room didn't answer.
***
Remus was true to his word when he said he'd act like it never happened. Sirius had fully expected him to pull away, to act distant… to be back to where they were after sixth year and that other Bad Idea. But the next morning as they were sitting at breakfast he found himself arguing with Remus over the translation of the runes for their Arithmancy project and who got the last waffle. When Sirius's hand brushed over Remus's shoulder accidentally, Remus didn't stiffen and pull away. It wasn't even like Remus was acting like last night didn't happen, it was as if the night hadn't happened at all. And although it drove him insane, Sirius let him do it. After all, he could think of a million reasons Remus was right. Best just to take what was offered and focus somewhere else.
***
As his focus shifted, so did the time, and soon it was the last weekend before finals. The four of them decided to blow off some steam with a private party, poker, and booze in their room- a party that ended with the four of them drunk and laughing and lounging on the floor.
The sun was coming up when Sirius opened his eyes. In his bed, James was snoring loudly, and Peter was sleeping with his hands folded neatly under his face. On the other side…
On the other side Remus was curled against him, his head against Sirius's shoulder and one hand resting lightly on Sirius's hip. The scent of the vodka was strong and just beginning to sour. Sirius shifted a bit, worming his arm under Remus's shoulders.
What had begun a few weeks ago had only intensified. Sirius had ignored it for the past half year the best he could, not wanting to push Remus away again… or more accurately, for Remus to push him away. But that didn't mean that the fantasies and feelings had gone away with Remus's pretended indifference, and now that he was hear, laying on Sirius's shoulder, it was too much to resist. Sirius brushed his lips across Remus's, gently at first and then more insistently as Remus responded with a deep breathy sigh.
This was what he wanted, Sirius knew. To lay here in the dawning light of morning, kissing Remus. Remus was coming awake gradually, and Sirius moved again, guiding and pulling him until Remus was lying on top of him and they were kissing in earnest, messy and wet and urgent. His body arched up, pressing against Remus's as he pulled him down against him.
This time Remus allowed a bit more, and Sirius's hands traveled down his back and to grip and caress before Remus suddenly stiffened and began to push away.
"What?" Sirius demanded, his voice rough with arousal. "What is it?"
"It's not-"
"I know it's not a good idea, for whatever cockamamie reason you've concocted," Sirius said, not moving his hands. "I don't care."
"I do."
"What are you here for then?" Sirius demanded. "Why are you doing this to me?"
Remus sat up, his face flushed. "I'm sorry," he stammered.
"Do you want it or not?" Remus looked away, and Sirius gentled his tone. "Moony, either way is fine with me. I'd rather you did, but if you don't, that's fine. But you can't keep teasing me like this."
Remus bit his lip. "I want it," he whispered, "but it's not right."
"What's not right about it?" Sirius asked. "We're both seventeen, which is old enough as far as I'm concerned. Neither of us is attached. We're not playing games here, we're best friends. We-"
"If we do this and someone realizes, you'll end up like Hope," Remus snapped.
"Oh."
"And don't try to tell me no one would know or you could keep it secret or anything like that," Remus said. "You know you couldn't."
"Then why did you agree to live with me next year?" Sirius asked.
"That's different!"
"Not really. Either way I'm still close and associated with you. Who would know what goes on in the privacy of our own flat, and how does it make any bloody difference anyway?"
"It just does," Remus insisted. "Please, Sirius, just leave it."
Sirius did, because there wasn't much of a way to argue the issue at all, but he stood up and left the room, completely frustrated. Normally he would have fought it- forced Remus to tell him what was going on- but something inside him just wasn't up for the fight.
He didn't turn around to see Remus watching him as he left.
***
In the light of day, when he'd had time to cool off and for the alcohol to leave his system, Sirius began to relax and understand. No matter what anyone said, Remus had taken the blame for Hope's death. Sirius wasn't quite sure why- perhaps it was easier than accepting it was senseless, and perhaps there was a connection there that couldn't be denied- but he did understand that it made Remus cautious. Beyond cautious.
But how to get around that? How to convince Remus that he, Sirius was aware of the risks and willing to take them? It wasn't something you could sit down and discuss- not with someone like Remus Lupin.
And then, the night before the holidays began, it hit him. He wasn't supposed to.
The snow was falling outside as Sirius made his way up the stairs. The room inside was dimly lit, with the only illumination coming from the fire and a single candle. "Remus?"
Remus was sitting on the sill, staring out the window. "I'm here."
This was it. "What are you playing at?" he growled. "What the bloody hell are you playing at?"
"What do you mean?"
Sirius stalked over to where Remus was sitting and leaned over, hands on the arms of the chair to cut off any easy means of escape. Remus looked up at him with a calm expression and burning eyes. "Sirius," he said, but the first tremor was there, "what are you on about?"
"I know what you want. I've figured it out."
"Oh? And what do I want?"
"You want me not to take no for an answer."
Remus's eyes widened and he began to speak, but Sirius wasn't going to listen. He pinned Remus to the wall and kissed him.
There was nothing gentle in that kiss. It was hard and demanding, and his tongue and mouth forced Remus's lips open under his. Remus struggled against him, getting his hands up to Sirius's shoulders and pushing, but this time not nearly hard enough to push Sirius away. No magic flared, and although Remus's wand was sitting on the table in easy reach, he didn't fumble for it. Instead, he struggled physically and kissed Sirius back.
He'd been trying to keep this back, trying to restrain himself, but this had been building steadily, and Remus's mouth under his felt so good. Sirius pushed Remus to his bed, taking what he wanted with his mouth as his hands roamed Remus's body, pushing aside clothes to find the warm skin beneath. His impatience was rewarded- Remus bucked beneath him, but the force of his thrust did nothing to unseat Sirius and everything to betray the erection that strained against the denim he wore under his robes.
Sirius broke the kiss, mouthing Remus's throat and seizing his wrists, pushing them back against the chair until the bones ground under his hands. Remus didn't protest, but his head knocked back under Sirius's onslaught, exposing the long column of his throat to eager teeth and tongue. A particularly hard bite drew a gasp of pleasure, and Sirius knew exactly how this was to end.
He released one of Remus's wrists and fumbled with his trousers, opening the fly and forcing both trousers and pants partway down Remus's thighs. A log fell in the fire, illuminating the room for one moment with an eerie, bright glow that emphasized the lust etched on Remus's features and made his face seem unholy. Sirius grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up out of the chair, twisting him around roughly and then undoing his own flies before grabbing Remus's wrists again, trapping him as he half knelt, half bent over the chair.
He took him right there, neither of them undressed, with no preparation except the whispering of a lubrication spell. There were no pleas and no whispered endearments; only his own "fuck" as Sirius thrust in deeply, in one strong stroke. Remus threw his head back at the intrusion, and Sirius could see both pain and pleasure before Remus bowed his head back down, submitting under the hard, fast fucking, his shoulders trembling as Sirius pounded in to him.
"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Sirius hissed in Remus's ear. Remus didn't answer, but the shiver that passed through his body was evident. "This is what you've been begging me for. Every time you press close to me, every time you touch me, every time you've let me kiss you… this is what you've wanted. Isn't it?" He tightened his fingers around Remus's wrists, pushing forward with his entire body. "Isn't it? Answer me!"
"Yes," Remus whispered, and he leaned forward. Sirius pushed him against the back of the chair, cheek against the fabric, and let go, not tempering his body's demands.
And yet, Remus came first, shaking beneath him, choking on his cry of release. Sirius fought it until he felt the tension begin to ebb from Remus's body, and then let himself come, thrusting in deeply, burying himself in Remus's body, pulling his arms tight until Remus was locked in an embrace, his entire body aligned with Sirius's.
Then slowly the ecstasy began to fade, draining from his body and leaving him tired. Sirius eased himself out, gently, and then moved them both to the bed, rearranging them so Remus was lying with his head on Sirius's shoulder.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
Remus nodded against him. "Absolutely fine," he said, and when he looked up at Sirius, there was a glint of satisfaction in his eyes.
Sirius wasn't sure quite what to say, but the way Remus curled around him made him think that perhaps nothing needed to be said tonight, and perhaps this was finally sorted. He turned his head and looked out the window, where the snow was falling and the moonlight filtered in through the icy panes. Something inside him was cracked and broken, and for the first time Sirius understood that Remus had broken him out of his guilt and grief as much as he'd intended to do the same to Remus.
He fell asleep with Remus in his arms and a smile on his lips.
***
Author: lupinslittlesis
Summary: A relationship gone horribly wrong makes Remus wary. Sirius is determined to get through anyway.
Rating: R to NC-17
Recipient: lorrainemarker
***
Walls
It was sixth year, his name was Lucas Watts, and he wasn't remotely everything Sirius had ever dreamed of. Of course, Sirius wasn't sure what it was he'd been dreaming of and rather thought that dreams were for skirts or for wusses (and he meant that in the best possible way) like Prongs, so Lucas Watts did very nicely. He was certainly good looking- tall and slender with reddish blond hair and hazel eyes- and he was a seventh year, a Gryffindor, and extremely discreet. During the bitter days of February and March when it was hard to speak to his friends because too many ghosts and regrets stood between them, it was hardly even remarked upon that Sirius would spend so much time with another Gryffindor, even if he was a year older and was from a Muggle family. After all, Peter was spending more and more time with the Divination Society, James was actually having conversations with Lily, and Remus was spending more time under Slughorn's eye, struggling with his N.E.W.T. level potions class. If anyone noticed Sirius and Lucas sneaking off for an hour in some remote spot, it wasn't remarked upon.
"I'm not looking for the love of a lifetime," Lucas had confided when this had begun. "I'm just looking to get off." Sirius had been amused at the contrast between the matter-of-fact words and the way Lucas blushed. He'd also appreciated the honesty… and the fact that Lucas hadn't been lying. They spent some time together and certainly slept together, but when Valentine's Day rolled around there were no chocolates or flowers or love poems, and Lucas went to Hogwarts with his friends and Sirius went with James, Peter, and Remus.
It wasn't love or anything like it, but it was damn good sex and it taught Sirius everything he needed to know.
***
"Your friend Remus," Lucas said one night as they sat out on the roof, smoking cigarettes and huddled together for warmth. "Does he have a girlfriend?"
Sirius snorted. "No." He took a deep drag. "Why?"
"My friend Hope fancies him. She asked me to sound you out. I was supposed to be subtle."
Sirius laughed. "Subtle's never been your style." He took another drag, picturing Hope. She was a somewhat pretty girl with an ordinary body and extraordinary brown eyes, deep and large and framed by long lashes. She was exactly the type of girl Sirius would picture for Remus; sweet and kind, but with enough of a spark to draw him out. "He's never mentioned her, but he's never mentioned girls in general."
"One of us?" Lucas asked.
"Don't think so. Just shy." Sirius studied the end of his cigarette. "Can't see why he wouldn't go for her, though. She does N.E.W.T. level potions, right?"
"Yeah." Lucas leaned back on his elbows, looking up at the sky.
Sirius joined him. "Tell her he's struggling. It's not a lie, and it's an in at the same time."
"Right." Lucas turned towards Sirius. "I know it's getting ahead and everything, but Hope and I were going to spend the Saturday before Easter in London. You and Remus could join us."
"Let the poor girl snare him, first," Sirius laughed, and then the import of the words set in. "Does Hope know? About us, I mean?"
Lucas turned back to the sky. "Yeah. She knows."
"Oh."
"Should I tell her not to tell Remus?"
Sirius thought about that. He wasn't a coward, of course, but he'd never have an easier option.
"Nah. She can tell him what she likes."
"All right then." Lucas dropped his cigarette and moved closer, and they were both more than happy to have the conversation end there.
***
Sirius knew when Hope finally approached Remus about Potions, saying that Slughorn had suggested it to her (which was utterly untrue, but amusing all the same). And he knew the exact day that Hope had told Remus that Sirius was sleeping with Lucas, even if Remus didn't say a single word about it. He knew it because Remus deliberately sat next to him that night as they worked on their homework, his shoulder lightly touching Sirius's. He hadn't done that since before Christmas, when Sirius had sent Snape down the tunnel and to the Shrieking Shack.
"She fancies you," James observed to Remus after the fifth study session he'd had with Hope. "Are you going to do anything about it?"
Remus shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I hadn't thought about it." But he looked at his book as he said it, and Sirius knew he'd thought about it a great deal.
Peter and James exchanged identical evil grins. "Do you want to?" James asked, leering.
"She is quite fit," Peter pointed out. "Not like Evans or Lyle, but she's not bad at all. And she's a seventh year."
Remus didn't answer, he just kept his eyes on the book, but there was a flush on his cheekbones. Peter whooped.
"I knew it!" he crowed. "About time, Moony!"
Sirius looked up in time to see Remus fix Peter with his "Prefect Gaze", but other than that he gave no response. Sirius rather thought that Remus already knew exactly what he was going to do.
***
"So do you like her?" he asked Remus one day shortly before the Easter holiday.
"Who, Lily?" Remus said, lying upside down off his bed and flicking Exploding Snap cards across the room. "She's all right. I'll be amazed if she gives into Prongs, though."
"Git," Sirius responded, exasperated. "I meant Hope."
"I guess so."
"Are you… you know…?"
"Not that it's really your business-"
"That's a no."
"Exactly." A card exploded, and Remus grinned. "But since you ask, we are meeting you and Lucas in London the day before Easter."
"Excellent!" Sirius was pleased.
"What are you telling James?" Remus asked. "I assume he knows about you and Lucas." Sirius looked up at the ceiling, his silence forcing Remus to struggle to sit up, his face red from the blood that had rushed to it. "What?" he said, incredulous. "James doesn't know?"
Sirius shook his head.
"Oh." He turned this over, and then said quietly, "oh."
"Right," Sirius agreed, helplessly. "Oh."
***
The Saturday before Easter was sunny, but bitterly cold. Sirius stood waiting on a street corner, his hands thrust deeply into his pockets and nose buried under the wool of his scarf. He was still standing there when Remus arrived fifteen minutes later, out of breath and with a black cloak wrapped around his shoulders.
"They're not here yet?" he asked, glancing around.
Sirius shook his head and fumbled for a cigarette. "It's not like Lucas to be this late," he said, attempting to light the end and failing miserably in the wind.
"Or Hope," Remus agreed. He peered up at the street sign. "We are at the right place, right?"
"Yeah." Sirius checked the sign himself. They stared at each other helplessly.
"There's a coffee shop right over there," Remus finally suggested. "We could go in and get a cup while we wait."
"All right."
They settled on stools by the counter, and Sirius had to admit he was grateful for the warmth, even if the place was dodgy and the coffee actually coagulated. They chatted idly about end of the year exams and the next Quidditch game, which would be Ravenclaw against Slytherin, and another half hour ticked by.
"We could use one of those telephone things to call," Sirius suggested. "Lucas's parents are Muggles."
"They were meeting at Hope's place, and her parents aren't," Remus said. "Besides, we're wizards. Why don't we just Apperate on over and ring the doorbell?"
Sirius didn't have his Apparation License yet, but couldn't see any good reason why Remus's suggestion didn't have merit. "Let's go," he agreed, fishing out a few Muggle coins and plunking them down on the counter.
He really wished they hadn't.
***
It was midnight by the time they returned to the Potters, both of them still shaken from the day's events. The acrid smell of smoke clung to their robes and hair, and their faces were still smudged with soot from the fire. It had felt indecent to ask to clean up when the Aurors were questioning them, and besides, they'd both insisted on helping to sift through the wreckage.
The house was completely destroyed. They both knew that Death Eaters did that, but to actually see it, instead of hear it whispered about in hushed tones in the corridors of Hogwarts… neither of them had been prepared for the reality of a family's life smoking before them.
Or for the corpses that were left in the ruins. Sirius had been physically ill when he saw them, doubled over in a corner. Lucas's eyes had been open, but there was no light in them and the bottom of his body had been crushed by the house falling in on itself. Hope's parents had been burnt beyond recognition, and Hope herself had her arms around a younger girl. Her face was cut and there were burns in her clothing and on her limbs. Remus had stood over her, afraid to touch her until the Aurors had come.
The Aurors had been horror-stricken as well. The afternoon and evening had passed in a haze, and eventually a woman named Emmaline Vance had seen them back to the Potter house, and promised to tell the Lupins where Remus was for the night.
James was asleep, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter were talking to Emmaline. Sirius and Remus retreated up the stairs, both of them silent as they wandered into Sirius's room. Sirius plopped down onto the bed, flat at his back, staring at the ceiling. Remus sat down next to him, his robes gathered in his hands, soot smudged on his cheek.
"She was my girlfriend," Remus finally said out loud.
"Yeah?" Sirius's eyes were tracking a hairline crack in the ceiling. "Didn't know that."
"It happened two weeks ago. I asked her."
"Bet she was happy," Sirius said simply.
Remus shrugged.
"Were you happy?" he finally asked. "With Lucas?"
Sirius pondered that with all the emotion he would invest in an Arithmancy problem. "I don't know that with is the right word," he finally said. "We were just shagging. But I liked him. He was a good bloke."
"He seemed like it." Remus was staring far off, tracing lines on his arms. It took Sirius several minutes to realize that Remus was seeing the cuts that had been on Hope's body.
"Come here," he said suddenly, moving over and patting the spot beside him on the bed. Remus sat down stiffly, and Sirius put an arm around his shoulders.
They sat in the darkness until the dawn tinted the windows.
***
It probably wasn't fair, Sirius reflected, but he couldn't really help James out. James had no idea what to say, and Sirius had no idea what he wanted to he wanted to hear. So instead the spent the day in silence, working on their Transfiguration homework and reading ahead in Astronomy.
"I liked Watts," James said suddenly, an hour before Easter dinner was to be served. "I didn't know him well, but I liked him."
"He was a good bloke," Sirius repeated, his voice hollow. He thought about telling James the truth, but decided it wasn't important now. Lucas deserved to be remembered well.
James was staring at his book. "Padfoot," he began, in a tone of voice that Sirius had only heard once, back in February after James pulled a trembling Snivellus from the tunnel leading to the Shack, "Hope and Moony…?"
"You heard," Sirius said.
"She was tortured," James said. "And she was a wizard. Not pureblood, but close enough."
"Yes."
"Moony?" James asked, turning his quill over in his fingers. "It was because of Moony?"
"Bloody hell, Prongs, I'm not a Death Eater or a Divination expert," Sirius scowled. "Your guess is as good as mine."
James looked out the window because they both knew the answer, and they knew that Remus did, too.
***
It was a horrible thing to find a bright side, Sirius thought sourly, especially in a tragedy like what had just happened. But there was a bright side, and it was in Remus's eyes. There was trust there again; trust, and something deeper that Sirius couldn't name but recognized as some sort of bond. He felt it in the way he could relax around Remus again, in the way Remus's laughter was never forced, in the quiet moments when he knew the silence was from comfort, not awkwardness. And so, no matter how it had come about, Sirius took it for what it was.
He tried not to think much about Lucas, and in the end, he didn't. Not really. But hazel eyes haunted his nightmares, and more than once he woke up screaming. But he didn't tell anyone that; not even James.
Remus never mentioned Hope again. But every now and then, Sirius found him perched on the windowsill, staring out at the darkness and tracing invisible cuts on his arms.
"You can't blame yourself," he said once, in late November of their seventh year.
"I don't," Remus replied smoothly. But he didn't turn away from the window as he said it. "Look. It's snowing."
Sirius came over to the window sill and looked outside. "It is," he agreed, for once floundering on what to say.
"You know, we only have six months left," Remus said, still watching the snowflakes dance on tiny air currents. "It's like standing on the edge of a pier and waiting to jump off, but having no idea what you're jumping into."
Sirius shrugged impatiently. The end of school bothered him not at all, and in fact he knew the feeling that Remus was talking about, but that was something to be excited about, not dread. But then, the honest little voice inside him whispered, Sirius had an inheritance and prospects of employment. Remus had… well, not much.
"Dumbledore won't let you walk out of here without something planned," he pointed out.
Remus snorted inelegantly. "I don't want any more charity."
Sirius sat down on the windowsill across from Remus. "S'not charity," he said. "It's more like… an introduction. A reference." Remus made a face, and Sirius decided to change the subject. "So are you coming to visit me and Prongs over Christmas? Wormtail'll be there on Boxing Day."
"I might," Remus said, which they both knew translated to yes. "Is Lily finally joining in as well?"
"As far as I know," Sirius said with a huge sigh. He stretched his legs out, his feet brushing against Remus's calf. Remus didn't move away. "Kind of wish she wouldn't, but there's not much I can do about it."
"It could be worse." Remus looked out the window again, and Sirius was suddenly very aware of the solid warmth of Remus's leg against his. "What about you, Padfoot? Any other… friends?"
Sirius shook his head, watching intently as Remus pressed his forehead to the window pane. "No," he said. "I haven't bothered since Lucas."
"Why not?" Remus asked, turning back to face Sirius, his brown eyes wide with surprise.
Sirius shrugged. "Don't really know anyone else who would be interested, and I'm not really dying to expose myself to the entire school." His voice was dead as he said it.
Remus nodded, and his foot twitched against Sirius's leg, and their eyes locked. In the light coming from their room, Sirius could see Remus's pupils dilating, just a bit. He was suddenly, intensely aware of the smell of Remus, the warmth of him, and the way their legs were tangled together. He suspected Remus was, too. But Remus didn't say anything, and there was a lump in Sirius's throat that kept him from asking anything more.
A part of Sirius was telling him to back away, this couldn't end well, but he didn't listen. Instead, he leaned in, grasped Remus's shoulders, and kissed him.
Under his hands and lips, Remus went stiff, but at the same time he kissed back. It was awkward, tense, and not anything like kissing Lucas had been, but when he began to explore Remus's neck with his lips he could feel Remus's pulse, strong and fast and frantic.
He'd never considered Remus Lupin as a sexual partner before, and right now he had to wonder exactly why that was. Then he decided not to bother wondering as he pushed Remus back against the window jamb, hands traveling lower to the small of Remus's back and pulling him close. Remus's mouth opened wide under Sirius's, and his hands tangled in Sirius's hair.
Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea…, the voice in his head kept chanting. But he couldn't listen, couldn't stop, not with Remus under him, his lips hungry on Sirius's, messily devouring anything Sirius would give. He found the fastenings on Remus's robe and undid them roughly with one hand as the other pushed the hem of the robe up past their waists. He'd had no idea he'd wanted this, and certainly not this intensely, but now that it was here and his for the taking-
And suddenly, everything changed. Remus gasped under him and grabbed his shoulders, pushing him away.
"No," Remus gasped.
"Why not?" Sirius demanded roughly, trying to pull him closer.
"I'm not a replacement."
"Bullshit. You know I don't think you are."
Remus didn't answer, but pushed Sirius away again. This time, Sirius let him. "It's not a good idea," Remus said.
"Why not?" Sirius demanded, even though he could come up with a thousand reasons himself.
"Because I shouldn't be involved with anyone," Remus said, iciness descending and freezing his demeanor. He gave Sirius a final push and began straightening his robes. He looked the model of the prim and proper Prefect, but when he glanced up, Sirius saw the lust burning in his eyes, and was completely confused.
"Remus-"
"Just forget it, okay, Sirius? It won't work." Sirius nodded, and Remus stood up, shaking out his robes. "I'll see you in a bit, and we'll just act like it never happened." With that, Remus swept out the door.
Sirius sat on the windowsill, startled to realize he was shaking. "What just happened?" he asked the room at large.
Despite the magic in the castle, the room didn't answer.
***
Remus was true to his word when he said he'd act like it never happened. Sirius had fully expected him to pull away, to act distant… to be back to where they were after sixth year and that other Bad Idea. But the next morning as they were sitting at breakfast he found himself arguing with Remus over the translation of the runes for their Arithmancy project and who got the last waffle. When Sirius's hand brushed over Remus's shoulder accidentally, Remus didn't stiffen and pull away. It wasn't even like Remus was acting like last night didn't happen, it was as if the night hadn't happened at all. And although it drove him insane, Sirius let him do it. After all, he could think of a million reasons Remus was right. Best just to take what was offered and focus somewhere else.
***
As his focus shifted, so did the time, and soon it was the last weekend before finals. The four of them decided to blow off some steam with a private party, poker, and booze in their room- a party that ended with the four of them drunk and laughing and lounging on the floor.
The sun was coming up when Sirius opened his eyes. In his bed, James was snoring loudly, and Peter was sleeping with his hands folded neatly under his face. On the other side…
On the other side Remus was curled against him, his head against Sirius's shoulder and one hand resting lightly on Sirius's hip. The scent of the vodka was strong and just beginning to sour. Sirius shifted a bit, worming his arm under Remus's shoulders.
What had begun a few weeks ago had only intensified. Sirius had ignored it for the past half year the best he could, not wanting to push Remus away again… or more accurately, for Remus to push him away. But that didn't mean that the fantasies and feelings had gone away with Remus's pretended indifference, and now that he was hear, laying on Sirius's shoulder, it was too much to resist. Sirius brushed his lips across Remus's, gently at first and then more insistently as Remus responded with a deep breathy sigh.
This was what he wanted, Sirius knew. To lay here in the dawning light of morning, kissing Remus. Remus was coming awake gradually, and Sirius moved again, guiding and pulling him until Remus was lying on top of him and they were kissing in earnest, messy and wet and urgent. His body arched up, pressing against Remus's as he pulled him down against him.
This time Remus allowed a bit more, and Sirius's hands traveled down his back and to grip and caress before Remus suddenly stiffened and began to push away.
"What?" Sirius demanded, his voice rough with arousal. "What is it?"
"It's not-"
"I know it's not a good idea, for whatever cockamamie reason you've concocted," Sirius said, not moving his hands. "I don't care."
"I do."
"What are you here for then?" Sirius demanded. "Why are you doing this to me?"
Remus sat up, his face flushed. "I'm sorry," he stammered.
"Do you want it or not?" Remus looked away, and Sirius gentled his tone. "Moony, either way is fine with me. I'd rather you did, but if you don't, that's fine. But you can't keep teasing me like this."
Remus bit his lip. "I want it," he whispered, "but it's not right."
"What's not right about it?" Sirius asked. "We're both seventeen, which is old enough as far as I'm concerned. Neither of us is attached. We're not playing games here, we're best friends. We-"
"If we do this and someone realizes, you'll end up like Hope," Remus snapped.
"Oh."
"And don't try to tell me no one would know or you could keep it secret or anything like that," Remus said. "You know you couldn't."
"Then why did you agree to live with me next year?" Sirius asked.
"That's different!"
"Not really. Either way I'm still close and associated with you. Who would know what goes on in the privacy of our own flat, and how does it make any bloody difference anyway?"
"It just does," Remus insisted. "Please, Sirius, just leave it."
Sirius did, because there wasn't much of a way to argue the issue at all, but he stood up and left the room, completely frustrated. Normally he would have fought it- forced Remus to tell him what was going on- but something inside him just wasn't up for the fight.
He didn't turn around to see Remus watching him as he left.
***
In the light of day, when he'd had time to cool off and for the alcohol to leave his system, Sirius began to relax and understand. No matter what anyone said, Remus had taken the blame for Hope's death. Sirius wasn't quite sure why- perhaps it was easier than accepting it was senseless, and perhaps there was a connection there that couldn't be denied- but he did understand that it made Remus cautious. Beyond cautious.
But how to get around that? How to convince Remus that he, Sirius was aware of the risks and willing to take them? It wasn't something you could sit down and discuss- not with someone like Remus Lupin.
And then, the night before the holidays began, it hit him. He wasn't supposed to.
The snow was falling outside as Sirius made his way up the stairs. The room inside was dimly lit, with the only illumination coming from the fire and a single candle. "Remus?"
Remus was sitting on the sill, staring out the window. "I'm here."
This was it. "What are you playing at?" he growled. "What the bloody hell are you playing at?"
"What do you mean?"
Sirius stalked over to where Remus was sitting and leaned over, hands on the arms of the chair to cut off any easy means of escape. Remus looked up at him with a calm expression and burning eyes. "Sirius," he said, but the first tremor was there, "what are you on about?"
"I know what you want. I've figured it out."
"Oh? And what do I want?"
"You want me not to take no for an answer."
Remus's eyes widened and he began to speak, but Sirius wasn't going to listen. He pinned Remus to the wall and kissed him.
There was nothing gentle in that kiss. It was hard and demanding, and his tongue and mouth forced Remus's lips open under his. Remus struggled against him, getting his hands up to Sirius's shoulders and pushing, but this time not nearly hard enough to push Sirius away. No magic flared, and although Remus's wand was sitting on the table in easy reach, he didn't fumble for it. Instead, he struggled physically and kissed Sirius back.
He'd been trying to keep this back, trying to restrain himself, but this had been building steadily, and Remus's mouth under his felt so good. Sirius pushed Remus to his bed, taking what he wanted with his mouth as his hands roamed Remus's body, pushing aside clothes to find the warm skin beneath. His impatience was rewarded- Remus bucked beneath him, but the force of his thrust did nothing to unseat Sirius and everything to betray the erection that strained against the denim he wore under his robes.
Sirius broke the kiss, mouthing Remus's throat and seizing his wrists, pushing them back against the chair until the bones ground under his hands. Remus didn't protest, but his head knocked back under Sirius's onslaught, exposing the long column of his throat to eager teeth and tongue. A particularly hard bite drew a gasp of pleasure, and Sirius knew exactly how this was to end.
He released one of Remus's wrists and fumbled with his trousers, opening the fly and forcing both trousers and pants partway down Remus's thighs. A log fell in the fire, illuminating the room for one moment with an eerie, bright glow that emphasized the lust etched on Remus's features and made his face seem unholy. Sirius grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up out of the chair, twisting him around roughly and then undoing his own flies before grabbing Remus's wrists again, trapping him as he half knelt, half bent over the chair.
He took him right there, neither of them undressed, with no preparation except the whispering of a lubrication spell. There were no pleas and no whispered endearments; only his own "fuck" as Sirius thrust in deeply, in one strong stroke. Remus threw his head back at the intrusion, and Sirius could see both pain and pleasure before Remus bowed his head back down, submitting under the hard, fast fucking, his shoulders trembling as Sirius pounded in to him.
"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Sirius hissed in Remus's ear. Remus didn't answer, but the shiver that passed through his body was evident. "This is what you've been begging me for. Every time you press close to me, every time you touch me, every time you've let me kiss you… this is what you've wanted. Isn't it?" He tightened his fingers around Remus's wrists, pushing forward with his entire body. "Isn't it? Answer me!"
"Yes," Remus whispered, and he leaned forward. Sirius pushed him against the back of the chair, cheek against the fabric, and let go, not tempering his body's demands.
And yet, Remus came first, shaking beneath him, choking on his cry of release. Sirius fought it until he felt the tension begin to ebb from Remus's body, and then let himself come, thrusting in deeply, burying himself in Remus's body, pulling his arms tight until Remus was locked in an embrace, his entire body aligned with Sirius's.
Then slowly the ecstasy began to fade, draining from his body and leaving him tired. Sirius eased himself out, gently, and then moved them both to the bed, rearranging them so Remus was lying with his head on Sirius's shoulder.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
Remus nodded against him. "Absolutely fine," he said, and when he looked up at Sirius, there was a glint of satisfaction in his eyes.
Sirius wasn't sure quite what to say, but the way Remus curled around him made him think that perhaps nothing needed to be said tonight, and perhaps this was finally sorted. He turned his head and looked out the window, where the snow was falling and the moonlight filtered in through the icy panes. Something inside him was cracked and broken, and for the first time Sirius understood that Remus had broken him out of his guilt and grief as much as he'd intended to do the same to Remus.
He fell asleep with Remus in his arms and a smile on his lips.
***