Fuck you Indiana, I want my mom.

[shabenanizer]

My dumbass heart and mind churning on the hamster wheel of rage ambushes resulting in the worse insomnia ever.  As I lay in bed, I talked to God and went through the usual suspect for Him to cut out of me so I can get some peace for the night.  I've always asked God to cut me in pieces so I can have some temporary peace.  How this works is I tell

Comments

[anonymous]

Here's your therapist in the form of an anon! That ache for 'mommy' is just so primal and normal. I wish you had a normal mother. You deserve it. All the logic in the wolrd is not going to change the unfair sad fact that your mother has not developed her empathy. She, for whatever reason, doesn't have the maternal instinct that would provide you the comfort you crave. To have the love and yearning you have for your mother "cut it out of my heart" seems so severe, like you were being hurt/punished. Hopefully it doesn't feel that way to you?I had anger towards my 'bad mother' for a long time, and I still do to some extent, but it's recently changed from anger to acceptance. That is quite a relief because in the past the thoughts of the unfairness would haunt and torture me. I hope your struggle continues to evolve and you too will find this kind of acceptance, though it seems you are well on the road. Even as a stranger, I'm a little worried about you. (I'm not really anonymous, just don't have a handle on here...my blog is the mind of

[shabenanizer]

Thank you so much Anon. I hope to get to the acceptance portion sooner than later, but these can't be rushed, as much as I want to "get over it" even though logically I know we never really "get over it", just move on to a better plane of existence. I think 2012 is the year of rock bottoms and the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that there is no where else to go but up. I've accepted that No Contact with my mom is not in the stars, so NC is became Natural Consequences and I have to figure out what my goals are, what my future relationship with my mom will look like.

[anonymous]

Hi Enilina, Upsi here. I have just recently found your blog and reading this post I want to thank you for talking about this aching feeling, like phantom limb. I hear you boy do I hear you and I think you've got a lot of great tools going on to deal with these feelings. Thanks for bravely speaking about this, it's a hard thing to acknowledge but it's the only way to stop that feeling from making you do stuff you don't really want to do (i.e. go running back). we all want our moms. that feeling never goes away. you just learn to live with it. tame it. hear it. care for it. recite the list of reasons over and over. soothe it somehow without being self destructive. Hugs.

[shabenanizer]

OMgosh that's what it feels like, a phantom limb, a phantom heart of a mother's love that was never there in the first place. Jedi hugs to you too Upsi! It's a long road but we'll get there. I spent the last four years repressing the ache for a mother, I was unintentionally invalidating another of my emotion. Now that I know, I know I can move forward, only forward.