Humor, Week 1: Infestations
Title: Infestations
Author: hollow_echos
Genre: Humor
Prompt: Trial and Error
Word Count: ~3,500
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: Atlantis has a pest problem and they’re starting to drive McKay a bit mad. Thus begins his quest to rid the city of the alien menace.
Notes: A huge shout out to Rusting_roses for her awesome beta-ing.
Day 1
McKay cracked one eye open and gave the mental command to raise the lights to half way. It seemed to be one of those nights where his body simply seemed set on ignoring the fact that he had just pulled a ten hour shift. He personally wanted nothing but to pass out, his body seemed to have other ideas. He shook his head a few times as he sat up, trying to clear the fog wrapped around his mind. He was apparently still transitioning to wakefulness; he could still hear the cicadas that had been thrumming in the background of his dream all night.
Rodney stood up and began stumbling toward the bathroom to throw some water on his face when he bumped his hip hard against the corner of his bed. Cursing, he fell back onto the bed rubbing his hip. He cocked his head to the side, realizing that the chirping noise was still resonating through his room. Could he finally be losing his marbles? Carson had warned him that one too many late nights would do him in someday.
He began looking for the source of the noise, but a few minutes of wandering around the room had him stumped. There didn't seem to be a localized region that the noise was coming from. He leaned back against his wall, surveying the room one more time. Rodney bumped his head against the wall a few times deep in thought, and then he paused and turned his head to the side, pressing his ear to the wall. The noise was coming from inside the wall.
Well, he wasn't going to get sleep with critters crawling around in the walls. He quickly wrestled his way into a uniform and made his way out into the city to track down whoever it would take to help him solve this problem.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Sheppard wasn't a happy man at the moment. He stormed down toward Rodney's room, his boots squishing beneath his foot with each step he took. He nodded to a series of cleanup crews that were scattered along the hallway, mops in hand as they attempted to return the hallway to some semblance of normal. Plants were overturned, and their soil, now turned into mud, trailed down the hallway. One of the crewmen had abandoned his mop and was chasing a flopping fish down the hallway.
McKay's door was locked- no surprise there. He had heard some of his marines that lived on this deck offering rewards for whoever could come up with the most creative revenge plot. The Colonel mentally overrode the locked door and stalked into Rodney's room.
Sheppard winced as the noise overtook him. McKay was blasting something that sounded like a garbage disposal. The man was sitting hunched over his desk at his computer, grumbling under his breath about something.
"McKay," Sheppard barked.
The man didn't even turn around in acknowledgement.
"MCKAY!" Sheppard bellowed, and marched over to the man and spun his chair around so the two were facing one another.
McKay froze for a moment, stunned, before shutting the lid on his computer slowly. It was like someone had hit the mute button. Sheppard was just grateful that he could actually hear himself think again. And as the Colonel's hearing slowly began to return, a new ambient sound filled the sudden void, a quiet chirping noise.
"McKay, what's going on? I was told I had you to thank for being able to wash my clothes without even needing to take them over to laundry," he said a bit bitterly, "I didn't exactly anticipate having several tons of sea water dumped into my room this morning," he finished as he wrung his shirt out again. Not a single piece of his wardrobe had escaped the sudden burst of water that had flooded his room, and he was more than a little displeased as a result. He'd woken up on a literal water bed, mattress floating in the middle of his room before the water levels slowly began to drop thanks to the excellent drainage system the Ancients had constructed.
"We have a bug infestation," McKay responded, looking frazzled. Sheppard could practically see him twitching as the sound filled the room. "I was trying to flood them out."
Sheppard pursed his lips, "Right and you couldn't let some other qualified person handle this?"
McKay shrugged, "I had the botanists up here, they're the closest we have to pest experts around here. They are always fighting some sort of insect infestation of their precious plants they keep down there."
"And what'd they find when you dragged them out of bed this morning?"
McKay narrowed his gaze at the thought, "Said I was on my own. They didn't have any ideas for getting them out of the walls. So I figured flooding would work."
"Well, that idea was obvious a bust," Sheppard added, spreading out his arms for emphasis as water dripped down off his soaked uniform and onto the ground. He didn't have a dry one left to wear and running around in the nude hadn't exactly been a feasible option.
"Oh, uh, sorry," McKay offered weakly as he scratched the back of his head. Sheppard rolled his eyes. Trust McKay not to have thought through to the consequences of flooding the city.
"And what's with the cacophony you were playing in here when I came in," Sheppard asked, "Sounded like a car backfiring."
"The stupid bugs in the walls, they're driving me nuts. I can't work with them in here," McKay spoke emphatically.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow, "And you couldn't relocate to your lab?"
"Uh, there's apparently some none too happy marines roaming the hallways asking around for me. I seemed to have forgotten that some of them lived on this level..."
"Yeah, you're lucky none of them have the gene or they'd be in here to pummel you themselves. As for you, no more messing with the bug problem. You leave that to your other engineers if you must, I've got my own plans for your afternoon," Sheppard said, a grin spreading across his face. He pulled a mop from behind his back, one he'd snagged in the hallway, and threw it to Mckay.
The man caught it, but just looked at it like it was an implement he had never used in his life, "And what am I going to do with a mop?"
"You're coming with me. My room looks like it's been through the car wash thanks to your antics, and if I'm going to spend my afternoon cleaning up your mess, you'll be on your hands and knees scrubbing with me," he said.
"Sheppard, I am not doing manual labor-"
"That or I'll be assigning you to Ronon's morning jogging group. Beckett's been on you for awhile to lose a little weight..."
"You are unbelievable," Rodney chided him. But they both knew which option Rodney would choose; sure enough, the man stood up and followed Sheppard, dragging the mop on the ground behind him and pouting like a child.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Sheppard was leaned back in his chair, feet perched up on his desk as he took another bite from his apple, "McKay, missed a bit over by the bed," he said, pointing to a pile of sopping clothes peeking out from under the bed.
McKay threw him an annoyed expression before crawling over to where he had indicated, pulling out the soggy fabric out and flattening them out to fold them. "Ahhh, Sheppard!" McKay practically shrieked.
Sheppard was suddenly aware of the fabric flying through the air and smacking him in the face. The Colonel peeled it off his face straightened the fabric out himself, "McKay, care to inform me why you just threw a pair of boxers at me?"
"They're your underwear! I signed up for this mission here to solve the mysteries of an alien race, not to handle your undergarments," he snapped, dipping his hands into the bucket of water sitting next to the mop against the wall and scrubbing fervently, "They're probably your boxers from after your work out with Ronon!"
Sheppard shrugged, "I think they're clean..."
"You think?!"
"Fifty-fifty chance," Sheppard replied with a smirk.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Day 2
Sheppard was running down the hallway this time toward Rodney's room. The hallways were completely empty this time; apparently Rodney had at least taken the time to warn everyone of his latest hair-brained idea. It had been Radek who had tipped him off about this one. The Czech had called him over the radio in a frenzy going on about how Rodney had a death wish and wasn't shy about spreading it around to any of his neighbors. He skidded into Rodney's room and hunched over, out of breath, "McKay, what do you think you're doing now?!"
The scientist had set up some sort of rig in the room. It looked strikingly similar to a torch blower, except there were large bolts of electricity sparking off the end of the metal rod that Rodney had in his hand.
Rodney pushed the welder's mask up higher on his head. Beneath the mask the scientist looked haggard. There were rings under both of his eyes, a streak of grease along one cheek, and one eye was twitching, "I'm gonna electrocute them all! This has to work! It's gonna be like shish kabob!"
"Whoa, buddy. Let's think this through for a minute," Sheppard tried to soothe the man as he slowly creeped closer to the scientist and his deadly-looking implement, "You're gonna get someone killed like this."
Rodney shook his head and put a hand on the steel mask to lower it back down over his face, "I gave the scientists a whole day and they didn't make any progress. I think there's more in there now, I swear they're multiplying."
Sheppard shook his head, "McKay, you'll kill both of us with this stunt. This whole place is metal, walls and floors, we'll get the current too," he tried to argue.
"I-We both have rubber shoe soles, they'll insulate us against the electricity. I need sleep, Sheppard. I slept in one of the jumpers last night! You have any idea what kind of kink that gives you? I wasn't meant to sleep on a hard metal floor! No humanoid is!"
Sheppard had kept the man talking long enough, and had been given ample opportunity to inch forward. Now that he was close enough, he darted forward and tore the sparking implement from his friend's hand, making sure to hold it far from his body to prevent any of the bolts from hitting him or Rodney as he did so, "I can imagine the side effects," Sheppard muttered as he looked for the off-switch on the deadly looking device, "Paranoia, perhaps?"
McKay looked down at his empty hands for a moment, puzzled, as if his torture device had simply disappeared. He looked over and saw it in Sheppard's hand, finally realizing what had happened in the breadth of a moment, "Hey, give that back, I didn't get to use it yet."
"Yeah, and you're not going to either," Sheppard said as he finally gave up finding a switch and yanked on a few cords, the sparks dying out as he did so, "I don't think your brain could stand getting any more fried that it already is right now."
He dropped the device to the floor and clapped McKay on the back, "Come on bud, let's get you down to Beckett. I'm thinking you might have some sleep deprivation going on."
The scientist allowed himself to be led from the room, muttering under his breath. Sheppard couldn't hear any of it over the chirping of the insects in the walls.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Sheppard entered the conference room and sat down at the table next to the rest of the senior staff. Elizabeth, Beckett, and Radek were all sitting in their normal spots, "You guys have any idea what this meeting is about," Sheppard asked them.
There were a series of shrugs and head shakes. No one knew what was going on. Rodney had shot them a message after dinner to call an emergency meeting. Rodney didn't call schedule meetings this short notice unless it was big. The last one he had called had been about a Wraith hive ship they had detected coming toward the city, so it wasn't a surprise that everyone had dropped what they'd been doing and scrambled up to the conference room to hear Rodney's latest news.
Rodney entered the room, walking in a rather crooked path to his spot. If it were possible, the man looked even more disheveled than earlier. His hair was sticking up at odd angles, a poor imitation of Sheppard's trademark hairdo. Though Sheppard mused it was more likely to have ended up like that due to Mckay almost pulling it out rather than purposeful styling. The man had a bit of bristle on his chin; apparently he'd missed a few spots when shaving. Rodney plopped down in his chair and organized a stack of papers on the table in front of him, "I'm glad everyone could make it," he said.
"Well, you said it was an emergency. Not like we were going to go have a tea party instead of answering your summoning," Sheppard teased.
"Oh, right. Yes. This is important. I've found the perpetrator behind the latest crime to hit Atlantis in quite some time," he said smugly.
Beckett leaned forward, "Ye find the lad who thought it'd be cute to decorate my office with sheep paraphernalia? I still haven't gotten it all out. I opened my lunch pail the other day and there was a plastic sheep in there," the man muttered angrily.
"Even more dastardly than that," McKay said louder this time, he was getting excited, "It was Cole's team."
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at him, "What did they do?"
"They parked the jumper on top of a nest of those damnable insects! Some of them hitched a ride back on the jumper and now we have them in the walls," McKay cackled a bit hysterically, and everyone exchanged irritated looked.
"McKay! Really? You dragged us down here to throw conspiracy theories back and forth about some bugs," Sheppard asked him angrily. He'd skipped out on a date this evening because of this meeting.
"They aren't just bugs, Colonel! They're a public nuisance; I can't sleep, or work!"
"Or keep your head screwed on the right way either," Sheppard added, "I think you've got a few nuts loose up there in your noggin, McKay."
"I am perfectly sane, Sheppard. You guys are the ones that need your heads examined. I don't think you understand the full seriousness of this situation," he argued weakly.
Beckett was standing up and moving over behind Rodney, laying a hand on his shoulder, "Aye, I think we do. They've driven ye a bit mad. Why don't we go down to the infirmary, I'll set ye up in one of our private rooms and you can catch some shut eye."
McKay didn't flat out refuse the offer, his responses much slower than usual. Beckett took the lack of a response as answer enough and helped the man stand up. Sheppard nodded to the Scot as he led a still-mumbling Mckay out of the conference room and down toward the infirmary.
When Sheppard was confident that McKay was out of earshot he met Elizabeth's gaze, "He's losing it. This really is driving him nuts. Maybe it's time I take a look into helping rid Atlantis of her latest infestation. McKay keeps up like this he's liable to kill us all with some experiment gone horrendously wrong."
Elizabeth bit the inside of her cheeks to keep from laughing, "Maybe you're right."
Sheppard shook his head, "You should have seen the electric doohickey he had rigged up earlier. It was scary, even for Rodney."
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Day 3
"I am not coming out in this, Sheppard," Rodney muttered from inside his bathroom. Sheppard was sitting at the man's desk, waiting for McKay to finish changing and come out.
"Come on, McKay, you want to get rid of the bugs, right?"
McKay poked his head out of the bathroom and shot the man an icy glare, "And that desire necessitates these ridiculous outfits, how, exactly?"
"Look, Teyla was helpful enough to go to the planet where we picked up these bugs and negotiate for some of their villagers to come help us get rid of them."
"I'm sure they're a perfectly wonderful bunch of people, but their fashion sense is about ninety degrees off-kilter. I'm not coming out in this," Rodney argued.
Sheppard swore the man was more stubborn than a rock, not willing to budge for anything, "I guess I can just tell those people to come back and help us do this ceremony when you've gone and found a bit more self-confidence..."
Neither spoke for a moment, the chirping of the cicadas in the wall became more pronounced. "Ok, ok. Hang on. No need to get hasty. My sanity depends on getting rid of those bugs, I'm coming," McKay responded finally.
He stepped out into the room and Sheppard smiled, "Loving the get-up on you, McKay."
Rodney stood there very unsure of himself. He smoothed the fabric of the skirt out, "I can't believe their men wear skirts. It's just not natural." Rodney stopped in front of the mirror. The navy skirt ended just above his knees and apparently shirts weren't part of this ridiculous costume. He shivered unconsciously. He didn't wear this little clothing even when he went swimming. And this fabric was completely too scratchy.
"Oh, McKay, loosen up. You just have to learn to strut your stuff. Women fall for a man with confidence. Walk with your back tall regardless of how ridiculous the outfit is," Sheppard retorted as he stood up and straightened his own skirt out.
"We're seriously doing this," McKay groaned to Sheppard.
"Yep, let's go," Sheppard said as he led the way into the hallway.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
The ceremony went off without a hitch. The villagers had come and chanted some songs and then lit some incense that smelled like flowers and aggravated Rodney's allergies. He'd tried to stand in the background but Sheppard had volunteered them to participate in the ceremony. Which put them squarely in front of everyone: the villagers who were attending the ceremony, and the people who had come to gawk. Apparently it was the incense that killed the bugs, it smoked them out.
Rodney smiled as the chirping became less pronounced and eventually died out altogether. He had walked up to the villagers then, having apparently forgiven them for the skirt thing. He'd met their leader, shook the man's hand, and promised to visit in the spring to help them design a new bridge across one of their rivers. The leader had gratefully accepted his offer and retreated through the gate with the rest of his people.
Which left just the last stragglers in the hallway where they had opted to hold the ceremony. Sheppard padded up to McKay, his bare feet making little noise against the ground, "So, Mckay, was it worth it?"
"God, yes," he exclaimed.
"And see, the skirt thing went fine. A onetime deal," Sheppard added.
McKay chucked, "For me, yeah. For Carson," he said, pointing at the man who was chatting with Elizabeth further up the hallway, "I think he'll be making it a weekly event."
"Oh cut the man some slack, so he's excited about having found an opportunity to wear his kilt," Sheppard said in a joking tone.
"I suppose," McKay added, "Now, as much fun as this has been, I'm going back to my room, I'm burning the evidence that this ever occurred," he said, patting the skirt, "And then I'm going to sleep in my own bed."
Sheppard nodded and watch the man quickly walk off down the hallway before turning to head back toward his own room and change back into a uniform.
From the other end of the hallway Beckett shook his head, "Those lads just can't appreciate how liberating a kilt can be. Reminds me of home," he said.
Elizabeth smirked, "Oh, I don't think they'll be forgetting about this experience any time soon" she said as she pulled a digital camera out of her pocket, "This is good enough blackmail material to last me a year. I might have to let some mice loose in the city next year."
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Author: hollow_echos
Genre: Humor
Prompt: Trial and Error
Word Count: ~3,500
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: Atlantis has a pest problem and they’re starting to drive McKay a bit mad. Thus begins his quest to rid the city of the alien menace.
Notes: A huge shout out to Rusting_roses for her awesome beta-ing.
Day 1
McKay cracked one eye open and gave the mental command to raise the lights to half way. It seemed to be one of those nights where his body simply seemed set on ignoring the fact that he had just pulled a ten hour shift. He personally wanted nothing but to pass out, his body seemed to have other ideas. He shook his head a few times as he sat up, trying to clear the fog wrapped around his mind. He was apparently still transitioning to wakefulness; he could still hear the cicadas that had been thrumming in the background of his dream all night.
Rodney stood up and began stumbling toward the bathroom to throw some water on his face when he bumped his hip hard against the corner of his bed. Cursing, he fell back onto the bed rubbing his hip. He cocked his head to the side, realizing that the chirping noise was still resonating through his room. Could he finally be losing his marbles? Carson had warned him that one too many late nights would do him in someday.
He began looking for the source of the noise, but a few minutes of wandering around the room had him stumped. There didn't seem to be a localized region that the noise was coming from. He leaned back against his wall, surveying the room one more time. Rodney bumped his head against the wall a few times deep in thought, and then he paused and turned his head to the side, pressing his ear to the wall. The noise was coming from inside the wall.
Well, he wasn't going to get sleep with critters crawling around in the walls. He quickly wrestled his way into a uniform and made his way out into the city to track down whoever it would take to help him solve this problem.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Sheppard wasn't a happy man at the moment. He stormed down toward Rodney's room, his boots squishing beneath his foot with each step he took. He nodded to a series of cleanup crews that were scattered along the hallway, mops in hand as they attempted to return the hallway to some semblance of normal. Plants were overturned, and their soil, now turned into mud, trailed down the hallway. One of the crewmen had abandoned his mop and was chasing a flopping fish down the hallway.
McKay's door was locked- no surprise there. He had heard some of his marines that lived on this deck offering rewards for whoever could come up with the most creative revenge plot. The Colonel mentally overrode the locked door and stalked into Rodney's room.
Sheppard winced as the noise overtook him. McKay was blasting something that sounded like a garbage disposal. The man was sitting hunched over his desk at his computer, grumbling under his breath about something.
"McKay," Sheppard barked.
The man didn't even turn around in acknowledgement.
"MCKAY!" Sheppard bellowed, and marched over to the man and spun his chair around so the two were facing one another.
McKay froze for a moment, stunned, before shutting the lid on his computer slowly. It was like someone had hit the mute button. Sheppard was just grateful that he could actually hear himself think again. And as the Colonel's hearing slowly began to return, a new ambient sound filled the sudden void, a quiet chirping noise.
"McKay, what's going on? I was told I had you to thank for being able to wash my clothes without even needing to take them over to laundry," he said a bit bitterly, "I didn't exactly anticipate having several tons of sea water dumped into my room this morning," he finished as he wrung his shirt out again. Not a single piece of his wardrobe had escaped the sudden burst of water that had flooded his room, and he was more than a little displeased as a result. He'd woken up on a literal water bed, mattress floating in the middle of his room before the water levels slowly began to drop thanks to the excellent drainage system the Ancients had constructed.
"We have a bug infestation," McKay responded, looking frazzled. Sheppard could practically see him twitching as the sound filled the room. "I was trying to flood them out."
Sheppard pursed his lips, "Right and you couldn't let some other qualified person handle this?"
McKay shrugged, "I had the botanists up here, they're the closest we have to pest experts around here. They are always fighting some sort of insect infestation of their precious plants they keep down there."
"And what'd they find when you dragged them out of bed this morning?"
McKay narrowed his gaze at the thought, "Said I was on my own. They didn't have any ideas for getting them out of the walls. So I figured flooding would work."
"Well, that idea was obvious a bust," Sheppard added, spreading out his arms for emphasis as water dripped down off his soaked uniform and onto the ground. He didn't have a dry one left to wear and running around in the nude hadn't exactly been a feasible option.
"Oh, uh, sorry," McKay offered weakly as he scratched the back of his head. Sheppard rolled his eyes. Trust McKay not to have thought through to the consequences of flooding the city.
"And what's with the cacophony you were playing in here when I came in," Sheppard asked, "Sounded like a car backfiring."
"The stupid bugs in the walls, they're driving me nuts. I can't work with them in here," McKay spoke emphatically.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow, "And you couldn't relocate to your lab?"
"Uh, there's apparently some none too happy marines roaming the hallways asking around for me. I seemed to have forgotten that some of them lived on this level..."
"Yeah, you're lucky none of them have the gene or they'd be in here to pummel you themselves. As for you, no more messing with the bug problem. You leave that to your other engineers if you must, I've got my own plans for your afternoon," Sheppard said, a grin spreading across his face. He pulled a mop from behind his back, one he'd snagged in the hallway, and threw it to Mckay.
The man caught it, but just looked at it like it was an implement he had never used in his life, "And what am I going to do with a mop?"
"You're coming with me. My room looks like it's been through the car wash thanks to your antics, and if I'm going to spend my afternoon cleaning up your mess, you'll be on your hands and knees scrubbing with me," he said.
"Sheppard, I am not doing manual labor-"
"That or I'll be assigning you to Ronon's morning jogging group. Beckett's been on you for awhile to lose a little weight..."
"You are unbelievable," Rodney chided him. But they both knew which option Rodney would choose; sure enough, the man stood up and followed Sheppard, dragging the mop on the ground behind him and pouting like a child.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Sheppard was leaned back in his chair, feet perched up on his desk as he took another bite from his apple, "McKay, missed a bit over by the bed," he said, pointing to a pile of sopping clothes peeking out from under the bed.
McKay threw him an annoyed expression before crawling over to where he had indicated, pulling out the soggy fabric out and flattening them out to fold them. "Ahhh, Sheppard!" McKay practically shrieked.
Sheppard was suddenly aware of the fabric flying through the air and smacking him in the face. The Colonel peeled it off his face straightened the fabric out himself, "McKay, care to inform me why you just threw a pair of boxers at me?"
"They're your underwear! I signed up for this mission here to solve the mysteries of an alien race, not to handle your undergarments," he snapped, dipping his hands into the bucket of water sitting next to the mop against the wall and scrubbing fervently, "They're probably your boxers from after your work out with Ronon!"
Sheppard shrugged, "I think they're clean..."
"You think?!"
"Fifty-fifty chance," Sheppard replied with a smirk.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Day 2
Sheppard was running down the hallway this time toward Rodney's room. The hallways were completely empty this time; apparently Rodney had at least taken the time to warn everyone of his latest hair-brained idea. It had been Radek who had tipped him off about this one. The Czech had called him over the radio in a frenzy going on about how Rodney had a death wish and wasn't shy about spreading it around to any of his neighbors. He skidded into Rodney's room and hunched over, out of breath, "McKay, what do you think you're doing now?!"
The scientist had set up some sort of rig in the room. It looked strikingly similar to a torch blower, except there were large bolts of electricity sparking off the end of the metal rod that Rodney had in his hand.
Rodney pushed the welder's mask up higher on his head. Beneath the mask the scientist looked haggard. There were rings under both of his eyes, a streak of grease along one cheek, and one eye was twitching, "I'm gonna electrocute them all! This has to work! It's gonna be like shish kabob!"
"Whoa, buddy. Let's think this through for a minute," Sheppard tried to soothe the man as he slowly creeped closer to the scientist and his deadly-looking implement, "You're gonna get someone killed like this."
Rodney shook his head and put a hand on the steel mask to lower it back down over his face, "I gave the scientists a whole day and they didn't make any progress. I think there's more in there now, I swear they're multiplying."
Sheppard shook his head, "McKay, you'll kill both of us with this stunt. This whole place is metal, walls and floors, we'll get the current too," he tried to argue.
"I-We both have rubber shoe soles, they'll insulate us against the electricity. I need sleep, Sheppard. I slept in one of the jumpers last night! You have any idea what kind of kink that gives you? I wasn't meant to sleep on a hard metal floor! No humanoid is!"
Sheppard had kept the man talking long enough, and had been given ample opportunity to inch forward. Now that he was close enough, he darted forward and tore the sparking implement from his friend's hand, making sure to hold it far from his body to prevent any of the bolts from hitting him or Rodney as he did so, "I can imagine the side effects," Sheppard muttered as he looked for the off-switch on the deadly looking device, "Paranoia, perhaps?"
McKay looked down at his empty hands for a moment, puzzled, as if his torture device had simply disappeared. He looked over and saw it in Sheppard's hand, finally realizing what had happened in the breadth of a moment, "Hey, give that back, I didn't get to use it yet."
"Yeah, and you're not going to either," Sheppard said as he finally gave up finding a switch and yanked on a few cords, the sparks dying out as he did so, "I don't think your brain could stand getting any more fried that it already is right now."
He dropped the device to the floor and clapped McKay on the back, "Come on bud, let's get you down to Beckett. I'm thinking you might have some sleep deprivation going on."
The scientist allowed himself to be led from the room, muttering under his breath. Sheppard couldn't hear any of it over the chirping of the insects in the walls.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Sheppard entered the conference room and sat down at the table next to the rest of the senior staff. Elizabeth, Beckett, and Radek were all sitting in their normal spots, "You guys have any idea what this meeting is about," Sheppard asked them.
There were a series of shrugs and head shakes. No one knew what was going on. Rodney had shot them a message after dinner to call an emergency meeting. Rodney didn't call schedule meetings this short notice unless it was big. The last one he had called had been about a Wraith hive ship they had detected coming toward the city, so it wasn't a surprise that everyone had dropped what they'd been doing and scrambled up to the conference room to hear Rodney's latest news.
Rodney entered the room, walking in a rather crooked path to his spot. If it were possible, the man looked even more disheveled than earlier. His hair was sticking up at odd angles, a poor imitation of Sheppard's trademark hairdo. Though Sheppard mused it was more likely to have ended up like that due to Mckay almost pulling it out rather than purposeful styling. The man had a bit of bristle on his chin; apparently he'd missed a few spots when shaving. Rodney plopped down in his chair and organized a stack of papers on the table in front of him, "I'm glad everyone could make it," he said.
"Well, you said it was an emergency. Not like we were going to go have a tea party instead of answering your summoning," Sheppard teased.
"Oh, right. Yes. This is important. I've found the perpetrator behind the latest crime to hit Atlantis in quite some time," he said smugly.
Beckett leaned forward, "Ye find the lad who thought it'd be cute to decorate my office with sheep paraphernalia? I still haven't gotten it all out. I opened my lunch pail the other day and there was a plastic sheep in there," the man muttered angrily.
"Even more dastardly than that," McKay said louder this time, he was getting excited, "It was Cole's team."
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at him, "What did they do?"
"They parked the jumper on top of a nest of those damnable insects! Some of them hitched a ride back on the jumper and now we have them in the walls," McKay cackled a bit hysterically, and everyone exchanged irritated looked.
"McKay! Really? You dragged us down here to throw conspiracy theories back and forth about some bugs," Sheppard asked him angrily. He'd skipped out on a date this evening because of this meeting.
"They aren't just bugs, Colonel! They're a public nuisance; I can't sleep, or work!"
"Or keep your head screwed on the right way either," Sheppard added, "I think you've got a few nuts loose up there in your noggin, McKay."
"I am perfectly sane, Sheppard. You guys are the ones that need your heads examined. I don't think you understand the full seriousness of this situation," he argued weakly.
Beckett was standing up and moving over behind Rodney, laying a hand on his shoulder, "Aye, I think we do. They've driven ye a bit mad. Why don't we go down to the infirmary, I'll set ye up in one of our private rooms and you can catch some shut eye."
McKay didn't flat out refuse the offer, his responses much slower than usual. Beckett took the lack of a response as answer enough and helped the man stand up. Sheppard nodded to the Scot as he led a still-mumbling Mckay out of the conference room and down toward the infirmary.
When Sheppard was confident that McKay was out of earshot he met Elizabeth's gaze, "He's losing it. This really is driving him nuts. Maybe it's time I take a look into helping rid Atlantis of her latest infestation. McKay keeps up like this he's liable to kill us all with some experiment gone horrendously wrong."
Elizabeth bit the inside of her cheeks to keep from laughing, "Maybe you're right."
Sheppard shook his head, "You should have seen the electric doohickey he had rigged up earlier. It was scary, even for Rodney."
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Day 3
"I am not coming out in this, Sheppard," Rodney muttered from inside his bathroom. Sheppard was sitting at the man's desk, waiting for McKay to finish changing and come out.
"Come on, McKay, you want to get rid of the bugs, right?"
McKay poked his head out of the bathroom and shot the man an icy glare, "And that desire necessitates these ridiculous outfits, how, exactly?"
"Look, Teyla was helpful enough to go to the planet where we picked up these bugs and negotiate for some of their villagers to come help us get rid of them."
"I'm sure they're a perfectly wonderful bunch of people, but their fashion sense is about ninety degrees off-kilter. I'm not coming out in this," Rodney argued.
Sheppard swore the man was more stubborn than a rock, not willing to budge for anything, "I guess I can just tell those people to come back and help us do this ceremony when you've gone and found a bit more self-confidence..."
Neither spoke for a moment, the chirping of the cicadas in the wall became more pronounced. "Ok, ok. Hang on. No need to get hasty. My sanity depends on getting rid of those bugs, I'm coming," McKay responded finally.
He stepped out into the room and Sheppard smiled, "Loving the get-up on you, McKay."
Rodney stood there very unsure of himself. He smoothed the fabric of the skirt out, "I can't believe their men wear skirts. It's just not natural." Rodney stopped in front of the mirror. The navy skirt ended just above his knees and apparently shirts weren't part of this ridiculous costume. He shivered unconsciously. He didn't wear this little clothing even when he went swimming. And this fabric was completely too scratchy.
"Oh, McKay, loosen up. You just have to learn to strut your stuff. Women fall for a man with confidence. Walk with your back tall regardless of how ridiculous the outfit is," Sheppard retorted as he stood up and straightened his own skirt out.
"We're seriously doing this," McKay groaned to Sheppard.
"Yep, let's go," Sheppard said as he led the way into the hallway.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
The ceremony went off without a hitch. The villagers had come and chanted some songs and then lit some incense that smelled like flowers and aggravated Rodney's allergies. He'd tried to stand in the background but Sheppard had volunteered them to participate in the ceremony. Which put them squarely in front of everyone: the villagers who were attending the ceremony, and the people who had come to gawk. Apparently it was the incense that killed the bugs, it smoked them out.
Rodney smiled as the chirping became less pronounced and eventually died out altogether. He had walked up to the villagers then, having apparently forgiven them for the skirt thing. He'd met their leader, shook the man's hand, and promised to visit in the spring to help them design a new bridge across one of their rivers. The leader had gratefully accepted his offer and retreated through the gate with the rest of his people.
Which left just the last stragglers in the hallway where they had opted to hold the ceremony. Sheppard padded up to McKay, his bare feet making little noise against the ground, "So, Mckay, was it worth it?"
"God, yes," he exclaimed.
"And see, the skirt thing went fine. A onetime deal," Sheppard added.
McKay chucked, "For me, yeah. For Carson," he said, pointing at the man who was chatting with Elizabeth further up the hallway, "I think he'll be making it a weekly event."
"Oh cut the man some slack, so he's excited about having found an opportunity to wear his kilt," Sheppard said in a joking tone.
"I suppose," McKay added, "Now, as much fun as this has been, I'm going back to my room, I'm burning the evidence that this ever occurred," he said, patting the skirt, "And then I'm going to sleep in my own bed."
Sheppard nodded and watch the man quickly walk off down the hallway before turning to head back toward his own room and change back into a uniform.
From the other end of the hallway Beckett shook his head, "Those lads just can't appreciate how liberating a kilt can be. Reminds me of home," he said.
Elizabeth smirked, "Oh, I don't think they'll be forgetting about this experience any time soon" she said as she pulled a digital camera out of her pocket, "This is good enough blackmail material to last me a year. I might have to let some mice loose in the city next year."
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O