Humor, Week 2: Preemptive Counter Strike
Title: Preemptive Counter Strike
Author: puddles1311
Genre: Humour
Prompt: Best Defense is a good Offense
Word Count: 4,484
Rating: G
Warnings: Post series finale, but no specific spoilers.
Summary: Defending yourself on your vacation? The team figures out how to do it, just not very well.
Notes: Sorry if the last few scenes feel rushed, RL got in the way. All mistakes are my own. (if any)
It felt incredibly strange. To walk down the hallways of Atlantis and not recognize every smile, every face as he walked by. Colonel Sheppard walked past an unknown number of Stargate Command personnel on his way to Woolsey's office, saluting every member of the military that he passed. His laid-back command style could no longer be accepted and he had to be on the lookout for military personnel trying to salute their superior officer. This was part, a big part, of why he was headed for Woolsey's office. This extra responsibility, being in command of what was now the temporary SGC, was taking its toll on John. His team noticed, along with every other member of the expedition, and had finally convinced him that he needed to take a day off.
So that was what he planned to do. As he reached the back stairs leading up to the control room the 'gate began to dial. "Scheduled off world activation," a voice sounded over the comm. It was not Chuck's voice that was heard across the city, but that of some nameless technician. Yet another unusual thing on what was becoming a very long list. Add to that the fact that the incoming wormhole was not the cause of an emergency situation and this version of Atlantis could almost be mistaken for an alternate universe.
John paused as he crossed the bridge that overlooked the 'gate to watch the team dematerialize. It almost, almost, didn't shock him anymore. As the off world team returned, Woolsey joined him in his casual lean against the railing. "What brings you here, Colonel?" he asked just as casually.
"Oh nothin', just a simple request."
"Well, what simple request is so important that you couldn't send me an official email?" questioned the leader of the Atlantis expedition.
"Okay, well, it's not so simple I guess," John began. His eyes followed the incoming team as they trekked off to their post mission exams in the infirmary. Realizing that Woolsey was waiting for him to continue, he decided to just dive right in. "We've had a rough couple of months, well, not the same kind of rough we're used to, but rough none the less. I just, I need some time off, you know, kick back...relax."
"I'd consider that a more than simple request, Colonel, and I'd be more than happy to grant it for you," was the reply Sheppard received.
"Well, back to the part where it's not that simple," John began again with a slight wince. "I was wondering, well, we were wondering-."
"Who's we, Colonel?" Woolsey interrupted before he could continue.
"Me and my team?" John threw the implied question in right away. He was all in now, there was no going back.
"Colonel Sheppard, you understand the potential problem I have with my ranking military officer and head of science absent at the same time?" the obvious question was stated.
Sheppard looked out across the now empty 'gate room as he pondered how to phrase his argument. Realizing there was only going to be one way to make this work while Atlantis acted as the SGC, he voiced his only option. "One day. That's all I'm asking for is one day. Just me, my team, and one day to ourselves on dry land." He let the question hang in the air between them.
The two commanders leaned on the railing in silence for a while longer, each with their separate thoughts. John started to think about what he would choose to do with his chunk of time. What did he want Teyla and Ronon to experience on Earth? And the socially awkward McKay, what had he never seen or done? There were so many things to choose from, it would be nearly impossible to fit everything into a single day, but they would take what they could get...if they got it. Just as this last thought crossed his mind, there was a great sigh next to him.
"Alright Colonel, you and your team can have your day." John smiled and the tension practically started to drip off of him. "On one condition," Woolsey was looking right at him. "No one comes back injured. Everyone around here swears that your team is cursed. No one gets hurt, got it Colonel?"
"Scout's honor," John raised his hand in a surprisingly correct scout sign.
"I seriously doubt you were ever a boy scout Colonel Sheppard. I mean it, no injuries," and with that Woolsey turned on his heal and marched back into his office leaving John standing on the bridge starring at his raised hand in silence.
He quickly recovered and headed out to go find his team and share the good news. As he passed through the control room he heard one of the new techs mumble, "Are they really cursed?"
"Yeah, someone comes back injured on almost every mission. I've heard we've even got a betting pool going that..." The conversation abruptly stopped as Sheppard decided at that moment to walk by the newbie's console. They stared up at him in horror, wondering what his next move would be. Sheppard starred back for a moment longer, struggling to keep a straight face. When it became almost impossible to do so he simply walked away chuckling, leaving them in stunned and terrified silence. After all, it wasn't every day that you had a staring contest with the military commander.
-o-o-o-
John had searched out his team after his successful inquiry, only to find them all in Rodney's lab waiting for him. They had already been deep in a discussion of what to do on their first real trip to Earth, and John had been pleased to interrupt and tell them the good news.
"Wow, he actually agreed? I mean, he couldn't have refused, I really didn't doubt you Colonel, I mean-"
"We understand Rodney," Teyla interjected to spare them all. "We are also very glad that John was successful."
"Gee, thanks Rodney," John said sarcastically as he spun around on his stool.
"So Sheppard, what are we gonna do?" Ronon finally voiced the question that they had all been wondering.
"I've got more than a few ideas, buddy." John didn't know how to tell them the not so good news about their arrangement. He stopped spinning back and forth on his commandeered lab stool. "Listen guys, um-"
"What? What's the problem? What did you do wrong?"
"Rodney!" three voices snapped in unison. Ronon and Teyla promptly turned to look at Sheppard as well once Rodney had been surprised into silence.
"Umm, well, see, the thing is, we've only got one day," John mumbled quickly. Quick and painless, right? Not with McKay around.
"What the hell do you mean we've only got one day?! How can we be expected to relax in twenty-four hours on Earth, I mean, on the mainland, I mean, how is that even fair?" Rodney, who a few moments ago looked as if Christmas had come early, now seemed to think that it had been cancelled. Even Teyla and Ronon looked upset.
"Sorry guys. But you have been on Earth before, and it's not like you're missing that much anyway..." John tried to soften the blow a little.
"That doesn't count Sheppard. I was running around trying to find McKay, and there was the time I saved everyone at the SGC." Ronon looked a little smug, but still disappointed.
"I seem to remember Teal'c being with you on that last excursion, Ronon. You cannot take all the credit."
"Yeah, no kidding Conan, learn to share a little credit."
The three of them all stared at Rodney in disbelief.
"Did you seriously just say that McKay?" Sheppard asked. "I mean, seriously?"
"Oh c'mon guys, I share credit all the time!"
At that exact moment Doctor Zelenka came walking into the lab, tablet in hand. He stopped dead and nearly dropped it upon hearing Rodney's remark. The team stared at him, all waiting for a reaction. Zelenka's mouth opened and closed incredulously for a few seconds as his face turned red, the tablet shaking in white-knuckled hands, then he turned on his heal and walked back out of the lab.
"Okay, so I'm learning to share credit!" McKay shouted at his retreating back.
"Well anyway," John commented while he chuckled over the coincidence.
"Hey, I'm learning, I swear."
"We get it McKay, now shut up and let me finish," John snarked. "The other condition of our release is that no one comes back injured."
"Oh c'mon! What does Woolsey expect? That we'll go rock climbing and fall off a cliff? This is supposed to be a day of relaxation for us." Rodney glared at John as he once again started to swivel on his stool.
"So how's this going to be fun?" came Ronon's question from his looming position in the corner of the room.
"Ronon, we can have fun without being in danger." Teyla, always the voice of wisdom got them back on topic. "So what activities will we be doing while visiting your planet?" She too now stared at John in the midst of his swiveling. The stool was starting to squeak and it was becoming very annoying to everyone but the oblivious Colonel.
"Well technically we're already on the planet-"
"McKay," Sheppard warned. "So guys, what are we gonna do, we've got less than a day to figure it out. Woolsey is letting us go tomorrow."
"Tomorrow!? I can't go tomorrow, I've got projects to finish, and research, and work, and I can't just leave it all behind on a moment's notice. I've got to have fair warning, you can't just make me give up and leave in the middle of a project. That's completely unfair. That's...that's..."
"Are you done McKay?" Sheppard faked a yawn.
"Oh har-dee-har-har, Colonel. Your acting skills are amazing," Rodney snarked in return, through with his rant.
"Seriously, what are we going to do? I don't wanna do whatever McKay wants to do. He'll take us to some stupid science thing." This time it was Ronon that interrupted their conversation.
"Why could we not each choose something to do, so that no one will be left out?" Teyla resumed her position as surrogate mother. "I would love to see one of your... musicals?"
"Um, okay, we could probably do that," John replied with a wince. That sounded like a terrible idea, but if that's what Teyla wanted... "What does everyone else want to do?" John really wanted to get things rolling to that they could prepare to leave. He had a lot to accomplish before he could be off-base for a day. Handing Lorne the keys took a lot more work lately.
"Paintball."
"Eat."
"Okay, we can probably fit both of those in," John decided.
"Yes, I do not believe that we can be seriously hurt participating in those activities," Teyla deduced. "What would you like to do John?"
"Um, surf?" he gave a noncommittal shrug.
"Surfing, and paintball!? What do you mean we can't get hurt doing those activities? There's a very high probability that we could be hurt doing any one of those things, not to mention going to a musical. Our ear drums may suffer irreparable damage! And paintball? We'll have bruises on top of bruises! Surfing could damage my back beyond repair, it's already-"
"McKay! We're never going to get this done if you can't play nice. Maybe we'll just leave you behind." John finally stopped swiveling and stood up. "Alright, before we argue anymore, we don't have that much time to decide anything about this. We'll go to the beach in the morning after we catch breakfast in the mess. Then we'll go explore the cuisine of San Fransisco. After that we'll go paintballing for Ronon, then we'll find a musical for Teyla after dinner."
"How come McKay gets his pick twice?"
"Are you objecting to dinner, Ronon?"
"No."
"Alright, so that's the plan. Any objections?"
"Yes! I-"
"That sounds like a perfect plan, John. I will go make arrangements for Torren." Teyla stealthily ignored Rodney and gracefully exited the room before there could be any further discussion on the matter.
"Well, I guess I'll make some arrangements, too. After all, I've got all this work I'm just dropping on a-" A glare from Ronon quickly silenced him. "I'll just, finish this, and...pack." Mckay turned around to hunch over his computer as he began to type furiously.
"I guess I'll go make some reservations." John stated happily to Ronon.
"I guess I'll go with you," Ronon said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Alright Chewie, let's go," John said with a smile and his face. Finally he was going to get a chance to catch a break, and hopefully some good waves. He left the room with a bounce in his step and a looming Satedan at his back.
-o-o-o-
John was walking through the corridors of Atlantis trying to remember if he needed to tell Lorne anything else about his precious city. Sure, Lorne had been in charge before, but it still felt like he was handing a sixteen-year-old the keys to his dream Camero. Maybe he actually should have said, "Don't blow her up." You just never knew.
His footsteps echoed loudly in the empty halls. He doubted that anyone aside from the obsessed scientists and the marines on duty were still awake. Deciding that his mind had calmed enough to finally let him sleep he started heading for his quarters.
He decided to take a detour and make sure that Rodney was getting a good night's rest before their early morning. As he neared the lab he heard the muted echo of distant voices.
"Radek! Open up!" As John approached he spotted Rodney pounding on the Czech doctor's door. "Radek, c'mon, I'm sorry about whatever I said, I didn't mean it whatever it was. Radek, I need my sunscreen before I leave tomorrow! Radek!"
John kept his distance and continued to watch in amusement and Rodney stubbornly continued to pound without mercy on the door. Finally, after a few minutes of this routine, the door suddenly opened with a swish and revealed a very disheveled looking Zelenka in a bathrobe and holding a small oval container. John was too far away and the light was too dim to see his face, but John was sure that the scene would have been priceless. Without a word exchanged, Radek thrust his bundle forward into the waiting hands of Rodney and melted back into his room as if he'd never appeared in the first place.
John enjoyed imagining the look of stunned confusion that would be gracing Rodney's face right now. As Rodney turned to go, the shock wearing off, John stepped deeper into the shadows of Atlantis. Rather than be caught snooping by Rodney in the dark, he turned back the way he came and took a different route to his room, smiling in amusement. Best not to disturb the already disgruntled beast.
-o-o-o-
John woke feeling well-rested and ready to head out for his day of fun. He decided to cancel his morning run with Ronon, knowing that surfing would give him plenty of exercise. As he headed out the door with his duffel he spun on his heel and trotted back to get his ipod. There was no way he was listening to Teyla's musical. Early this morning she had revealed to them that she had chosen an opera. Nope, sorry, no way. John figured he could easily hide the ear buds and avoid the pointless torture.
The team was due to be beamed from the gate room to a secure location at 0800 hours. He had fifteen minutes to get there and make sure his team was ready to go. As he passed the infirmary, he heard familiar female voices. He hated to eavesdrop, but he wanted to know what was wrong with his teammate.
"Just take a few of these before you eat and your stomach should handle it fine."
"Thank you Doctor Keller. I did not want to upset Rodney," Teyla said.
"Oh don't worry about him," Doctor Keller replied. "He can survive anything."
Teyla placed her hands on the doctor's shoulders and bent her head forward in the Athosian greeting. "I wish you could accompany us Jennifer." John tried to creep away silently, knowing that he was intruding on their private conversation. Unfortunately he realized too late that this was Teyla he was trying to escape from.
"Oh, don't worry about me either. We can't let all the department heads off base on the same day. I'll be fine, Teyla," Doctor Keller assured her with a smile. Teyla gave her a smile and a nod and headed directly towards John with a hint of malicious intent in her eyes, the smile still lingering on her face.
"Did you enjoy our private conversation, John?" Teyla asked as she gracefully lead the way to the 'gate room.
"Oh, no, I was just...going to, ah, the..." John stumbled over words as if tripping over his own two feet.
"Do not worry, John, I am not ill. Rodney informed us that we would be eating...Mexican, for lunch and I feared it would upset my stomach. I simply asked Jennifer for something to help," she quickly reassured him.
"Well that's good to hear. I always say the best defense is a good offense," John tried not to ponder his own offense against the opera. The ipod suddenly felt heavier in his pocket.
"You never say that."
John broke stride in surprise, "Ronon! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?"
"Once more," was the only response that Ronon offered, then added, "And you never say that."
"Well now's as good a time as any to start," John said as he entered the 'gate room. Rodney was surprisingly already in place, smearing his own private sunscreen cocktail on his exposed arms.
"Rodney, it's early in the morning, I told you you're not gonna need that," John pestered in a sing song voice.
"Shut up, Colonel. Just because you and your Hawiian friends over there-"
"They're Athosian and Satedan Rodney, not Hawiian," John cut him off just to annoy.
"Duh, Colonol, of course I-oh I see, lets all pick on the pale guy. Just for once I'd like to-"
"Daedalus, ready to beam," said John as he tapped his radio and double-checked that his team was ready. He looked up to the control room and saw the two techs from earlier deep in conversation, frantically exchanging something in their arms. With a sigh he realized what it was just as he thought he heard a mutter of "No injuries," float down from Woolsey's open office door.
"No, wait! I'm not-" The transport beam and the next second they were in a specially constructed tent just off the beach.
"-ready," Rodney finished flatly. With a scowl he turned to give the Colonel the evil eye.
John already had his aviators on and a smile on his face, the situation in the 'gate room all but forgotten. No one was getting hurt on this trip. "Hope no one left anything behind, cause we aren't goin' back," stated Sheppard as he started to strip down to his swim trunks. He made a grab for the board that was beamed with them, but Ronon got to it first.
"Hey, Chewie, c'mon!" John protested.
"You promised," Ronon reminded him, stubbornly keeping the board out of Sheppard's reach.
"Ronon, give me my board, that's an order!" John raised his voice, clearly irritated.
Rodney noticed that the women on the beach were starting to turn their heads and gawk. "Oh brother," he muttered and stumbled off to join Teyla in the shade. The last thing he needed was to be compared to his two fit, tan, not to mention shirtless, teammates.
"We're on vacation, I don't have to take orders from you," Ronon's voice drifted across the expanse of sand.
"Says who?" asked Sheppard, equal parts defensive and curios.
"The best defense is a good offense."
"No, Ronon, you can't just say that anytime."
"But you said that we should start saying it more often."
The voices faded away as the two soldiers headed toward the water. Rodney picked out a nice beach chair and opened up his portfolio, finally he could catch up on some work without his bumbling underlings in the way. He heard Teyla mutter something about visiting the local shops so he grunted to show that he heard. Sound faded out as he focused in on the paper, relaxing for the first time in weeks.
-o-o-o-
John and Ronon walked in, still seeping salt water through their shirts; their faces and shoulders were bright pink from the sun.
"Ouch, bet you guys wish you had some sunscreen, huh?" Rodney taunted.
"At least we weren't afraid of the water, McKay."
"Hey Conan, I resent that. Just because I'm more educated than you and I know how disgusting that water is-"
"Rodney," John warned, "we're in a nice restaurant, let's use our manners like a good boy."
Before Rodney could respond, the waiter came by to take their orders. Sheppard and Ronon picked some of the spiciest meals on the menu while Rodney and Teyla opted for the less heated options.
They chatted off and on about random topics and strange Earth customs until the food arrived. The boys dug in immediately. Teyla rolled her eyes and began to carefully eat her own heaping plate of real Earth food.
By the time the forks were scraping the plates, John, Ronon, and Rodney all looked ready to pass out. Teyla had been careful to only comfortably fill herself.
"You guys used to eat like this all the time?" Ronon questioned, holding his stomach.
"Yeah, I can't believe it either, Chewie."
"Well only some countries have portions that big. Others give you just the right amount of food."
"Can it, McKay."
"Shall we begin walking to the paintball arena?" Teyla made the first move to stand.
"Oh, my stomach," John groaned as he stood. "Teyla, what did the doc give you and where can I get some?"
"I am sorry, John, I only had the one dose."
"Alright never mind then."
"Buck up, Sheppard."
John sent an evil glare in Ronon's general direction.
"Teyla was smart. The best defense really is a good offense."
"Shut up, McKay!"
-o-o-o-
"Ready to go, Teyla?" Sheppard asked as he adjusted her protective helmet.
"I believe so, all I must do is-"
"OW! Conan, what the was that for?!" came Rodney's shout from behind them.
"The best defense is a good offense."
"Stop saying that! That doesn't mean you get to shoot me before we even start. I'm on your team for crying out loud. And from point blank range! Sheppard, look what Ronon did to me," Rodney whined like a two-year-old, rubbing his chest and smearing green paint everywhere.
"Ronon, you can't shoot anyone until the game officially starts."
"Why? The Wraith wouldn't wait," Ronon pointed out as he admired his shiny new toy. John could tell that he was excited to get his hands back on a gun of any kind since he had to leave his blaster on Atlantis.
"Well this is Earth and the Wraith aren't here. Now keep your voice down and stop shooting your own teammates," Sheppard ordered. He dropped into a low crouch, peering around obstacles and searching for the enemy.
It was anything but a fair fight. The other team was made up of local teens. They never stood a chance against three expertly trained warriors who had gone up against hundreds of Wraith and worse. In the end Rodney was their only casualty of war.
"They were cheating, I swear," Rodney tried to defend himself in the aftermath.
"Yes, Rodney, and that's how we won. It makes perfect sense," said John sarcastically.
"Well fine, be that way. You guys never realize what I contribute to the team. Without me you would just be a bunch of macho men."
Teyla gave Rodney a pointed look.
"Okay fine, umm, ah, what, er, nice weather we've had today," Rodney stated, oblivious to the fact that he was completely transparent.
The three others laughed and Rodney accepted that as a truce. The team continued to converse about anything and everything all the way through dinner. John and Ronon recounted their morning of surfing while Teyla told of what she found in the shops. Rodney defended himself by informing his teammates of all the pollution and contamination in the water. John and Ronon looked slightly disgruntled by this overdose of information, but shrugged it off.
Teyla was becoming increasingly excited about her opera show and begged the others to leave early so they could get good seats. The boys relented and were forced to walk up and down row after row until Teyla found the perfect spot for her viewing. It was strange to see her bouncing with girlish excitement.
"Isn't this exciting?" Teyla asked John with a smile that lit up her whole face. "I'm going to watch a show on Earth for the first time." If only her enthusiasm was infectious, John thought. At least besides slight sunburns and some sore stomach, there were no injuries to speak of.
"Careful," John warned, not wanting her to say anything suspicious. He glanced over to his right to glare at Rodney and Ronon who were once again bickering. "Do I have to separate you two?"
"Yes, mom," Rodney responded, but John's tactic worked and it effectively ended whatever argument they had been engrossed in.
"Shh, the show is starting," wafted Teyla's voice from John's left. The lights dimmed and John figured now was the time to spare himself the pain and pull out his ipod. He placed the headphones in his ears, turned up the volume and drifted away in seconds.
-o-o-o-
Rodney and Ronon were startled back to wakefulness when the end of the show finally arrived. They quickly stood like the rest of the audience to avoid awkward glances. They soon noticed that Sheppard didn't do the same. He continued to sleep, oblivious to the almighty rumble of applause that surrounded him.
"Shouldn't we like, poke him or something?" Rodney asked nervously.
"No, lets let Teyla find out," Ronon said with a mischievous grin his face, raising his voice above the crowd.
"Oh you are so evil, but that is so good!" yelled Rodney, also trying to top the applause. "I don't think a good offense is going to help defend him."
"Nope, there's no defending against Teyla's wrath. He's nailed."
"No Ronon, not nailed, he's screwed. Completely screwed," Rodney yelled with a knowing smirk. It wasn't such a bad vacation after all.
Author: puddles1311
Genre: Humour
Prompt: Best Defense is a good Offense
Word Count: 4,484
Rating: G
Warnings: Post series finale, but no specific spoilers.
Summary: Defending yourself on your vacation? The team figures out how to do it, just not very well.
Notes: Sorry if the last few scenes feel rushed, RL got in the way. All mistakes are my own. (if any)
It felt incredibly strange. To walk down the hallways of Atlantis and not recognize every smile, every face as he walked by. Colonel Sheppard walked past an unknown number of Stargate Command personnel on his way to Woolsey's office, saluting every member of the military that he passed. His laid-back command style could no longer be accepted and he had to be on the lookout for military personnel trying to salute their superior officer. This was part, a big part, of why he was headed for Woolsey's office. This extra responsibility, being in command of what was now the temporary SGC, was taking its toll on John. His team noticed, along with every other member of the expedition, and had finally convinced him that he needed to take a day off.
So that was what he planned to do. As he reached the back stairs leading up to the control room the 'gate began to dial. "Scheduled off world activation," a voice sounded over the comm. It was not Chuck's voice that was heard across the city, but that of some nameless technician. Yet another unusual thing on what was becoming a very long list. Add to that the fact that the incoming wormhole was not the cause of an emergency situation and this version of Atlantis could almost be mistaken for an alternate universe.
John paused as he crossed the bridge that overlooked the 'gate to watch the team dematerialize. It almost, almost, didn't shock him anymore. As the off world team returned, Woolsey joined him in his casual lean against the railing. "What brings you here, Colonel?" he asked just as casually.
"Oh nothin', just a simple request."
"Well, what simple request is so important that you couldn't send me an official email?" questioned the leader of the Atlantis expedition.
"Okay, well, it's not so simple I guess," John began. His eyes followed the incoming team as they trekked off to their post mission exams in the infirmary. Realizing that Woolsey was waiting for him to continue, he decided to just dive right in. "We've had a rough couple of months, well, not the same kind of rough we're used to, but rough none the less. I just, I need some time off, you know, kick back...relax."
"I'd consider that a more than simple request, Colonel, and I'd be more than happy to grant it for you," was the reply Sheppard received.
"Well, back to the part where it's not that simple," John began again with a slight wince. "I was wondering, well, we were wondering-."
"Who's we, Colonel?" Woolsey interrupted before he could continue.
"Me and my team?" John threw the implied question in right away. He was all in now, there was no going back.
"Colonel Sheppard, you understand the potential problem I have with my ranking military officer and head of science absent at the same time?" the obvious question was stated.
Sheppard looked out across the now empty 'gate room as he pondered how to phrase his argument. Realizing there was only going to be one way to make this work while Atlantis acted as the SGC, he voiced his only option. "One day. That's all I'm asking for is one day. Just me, my team, and one day to ourselves on dry land." He let the question hang in the air between them.
The two commanders leaned on the railing in silence for a while longer, each with their separate thoughts. John started to think about what he would choose to do with his chunk of time. What did he want Teyla and Ronon to experience on Earth? And the socially awkward McKay, what had he never seen or done? There were so many things to choose from, it would be nearly impossible to fit everything into a single day, but they would take what they could get...if they got it. Just as this last thought crossed his mind, there was a great sigh next to him.
"Alright Colonel, you and your team can have your day." John smiled and the tension practically started to drip off of him. "On one condition," Woolsey was looking right at him. "No one comes back injured. Everyone around here swears that your team is cursed. No one gets hurt, got it Colonel?"
"Scout's honor," John raised his hand in a surprisingly correct scout sign.
"I seriously doubt you were ever a boy scout Colonel Sheppard. I mean it, no injuries," and with that Woolsey turned on his heal and marched back into his office leaving John standing on the bridge starring at his raised hand in silence.
He quickly recovered and headed out to go find his team and share the good news. As he passed through the control room he heard one of the new techs mumble, "Are they really cursed?"
"Yeah, someone comes back injured on almost every mission. I've heard we've even got a betting pool going that..." The conversation abruptly stopped as Sheppard decided at that moment to walk by the newbie's console. They stared up at him in horror, wondering what his next move would be. Sheppard starred back for a moment longer, struggling to keep a straight face. When it became almost impossible to do so he simply walked away chuckling, leaving them in stunned and terrified silence. After all, it wasn't every day that you had a staring contest with the military commander.
-o-o-o-
John had searched out his team after his successful inquiry, only to find them all in Rodney's lab waiting for him. They had already been deep in a discussion of what to do on their first real trip to Earth, and John had been pleased to interrupt and tell them the good news.
"Wow, he actually agreed? I mean, he couldn't have refused, I really didn't doubt you Colonel, I mean-"
"We understand Rodney," Teyla interjected to spare them all. "We are also very glad that John was successful."
"Gee, thanks Rodney," John said sarcastically as he spun around on his stool.
"So Sheppard, what are we gonna do?" Ronon finally voiced the question that they had all been wondering.
"I've got more than a few ideas, buddy." John didn't know how to tell them the not so good news about their arrangement. He stopped spinning back and forth on his commandeered lab stool. "Listen guys, um-"
"What? What's the problem? What did you do wrong?"
"Rodney!" three voices snapped in unison. Ronon and Teyla promptly turned to look at Sheppard as well once Rodney had been surprised into silence.
"Umm, well, see, the thing is, we've only got one day," John mumbled quickly. Quick and painless, right? Not with McKay around.
"What the hell do you mean we've only got one day?! How can we be expected to relax in twenty-four hours on Earth, I mean, on the mainland, I mean, how is that even fair?" Rodney, who a few moments ago looked as if Christmas had come early, now seemed to think that it had been cancelled. Even Teyla and Ronon looked upset.
"Sorry guys. But you have been on Earth before, and it's not like you're missing that much anyway..." John tried to soften the blow a little.
"That doesn't count Sheppard. I was running around trying to find McKay, and there was the time I saved everyone at the SGC." Ronon looked a little smug, but still disappointed.
"I seem to remember Teal'c being with you on that last excursion, Ronon. You cannot take all the credit."
"Yeah, no kidding Conan, learn to share a little credit."
The three of them all stared at Rodney in disbelief.
"Did you seriously just say that McKay?" Sheppard asked. "I mean, seriously?"
"Oh c'mon guys, I share credit all the time!"
At that exact moment Doctor Zelenka came walking into the lab, tablet in hand. He stopped dead and nearly dropped it upon hearing Rodney's remark. The team stared at him, all waiting for a reaction. Zelenka's mouth opened and closed incredulously for a few seconds as his face turned red, the tablet shaking in white-knuckled hands, then he turned on his heal and walked back out of the lab.
"Okay, so I'm learning to share credit!" McKay shouted at his retreating back.
"Well anyway," John commented while he chuckled over the coincidence.
"Hey, I'm learning, I swear."
"We get it McKay, now shut up and let me finish," John snarked. "The other condition of our release is that no one comes back injured."
"Oh c'mon! What does Woolsey expect? That we'll go rock climbing and fall off a cliff? This is supposed to be a day of relaxation for us." Rodney glared at John as he once again started to swivel on his stool.
"So how's this going to be fun?" came Ronon's question from his looming position in the corner of the room.
"Ronon, we can have fun without being in danger." Teyla, always the voice of wisdom got them back on topic. "So what activities will we be doing while visiting your planet?" She too now stared at John in the midst of his swiveling. The stool was starting to squeak and it was becoming very annoying to everyone but the oblivious Colonel.
"Well technically we're already on the planet-"
"McKay," Sheppard warned. "So guys, what are we gonna do, we've got less than a day to figure it out. Woolsey is letting us go tomorrow."
"Tomorrow!? I can't go tomorrow, I've got projects to finish, and research, and work, and I can't just leave it all behind on a moment's notice. I've got to have fair warning, you can't just make me give up and leave in the middle of a project. That's completely unfair. That's...that's..."
"Are you done McKay?" Sheppard faked a yawn.
"Oh har-dee-har-har, Colonel. Your acting skills are amazing," Rodney snarked in return, through with his rant.
"Seriously, what are we going to do? I don't wanna do whatever McKay wants to do. He'll take us to some stupid science thing." This time it was Ronon that interrupted their conversation.
"Why could we not each choose something to do, so that no one will be left out?" Teyla resumed her position as surrogate mother. "I would love to see one of your... musicals?"
"Um, okay, we could probably do that," John replied with a wince. That sounded like a terrible idea, but if that's what Teyla wanted... "What does everyone else want to do?" John really wanted to get things rolling to that they could prepare to leave. He had a lot to accomplish before he could be off-base for a day. Handing Lorne the keys took a lot more work lately.
"Paintball."
"Eat."
"Okay, we can probably fit both of those in," John decided.
"Yes, I do not believe that we can be seriously hurt participating in those activities," Teyla deduced. "What would you like to do John?"
"Um, surf?" he gave a noncommittal shrug.
"Surfing, and paintball!? What do you mean we can't get hurt doing those activities? There's a very high probability that we could be hurt doing any one of those things, not to mention going to a musical. Our ear drums may suffer irreparable damage! And paintball? We'll have bruises on top of bruises! Surfing could damage my back beyond repair, it's already-"
"McKay! We're never going to get this done if you can't play nice. Maybe we'll just leave you behind." John finally stopped swiveling and stood up. "Alright, before we argue anymore, we don't have that much time to decide anything about this. We'll go to the beach in the morning after we catch breakfast in the mess. Then we'll go explore the cuisine of San Fransisco. After that we'll go paintballing for Ronon, then we'll find a musical for Teyla after dinner."
"How come McKay gets his pick twice?"
"Are you objecting to dinner, Ronon?"
"No."
"Alright, so that's the plan. Any objections?"
"Yes! I-"
"That sounds like a perfect plan, John. I will go make arrangements for Torren." Teyla stealthily ignored Rodney and gracefully exited the room before there could be any further discussion on the matter.
"Well, I guess I'll make some arrangements, too. After all, I've got all this work I'm just dropping on a-" A glare from Ronon quickly silenced him. "I'll just, finish this, and...pack." Mckay turned around to hunch over his computer as he began to type furiously.
"I guess I'll go make some reservations." John stated happily to Ronon.
"I guess I'll go with you," Ronon said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Alright Chewie, let's go," John said with a smile and his face. Finally he was going to get a chance to catch a break, and hopefully some good waves. He left the room with a bounce in his step and a looming Satedan at his back.
-o-o-o-
John was walking through the corridors of Atlantis trying to remember if he needed to tell Lorne anything else about his precious city. Sure, Lorne had been in charge before, but it still felt like he was handing a sixteen-year-old the keys to his dream Camero. Maybe he actually should have said, "Don't blow her up." You just never knew.
His footsteps echoed loudly in the empty halls. He doubted that anyone aside from the obsessed scientists and the marines on duty were still awake. Deciding that his mind had calmed enough to finally let him sleep he started heading for his quarters.
He decided to take a detour and make sure that Rodney was getting a good night's rest before their early morning. As he neared the lab he heard the muted echo of distant voices.
"Radek! Open up!" As John approached he spotted Rodney pounding on the Czech doctor's door. "Radek, c'mon, I'm sorry about whatever I said, I didn't mean it whatever it was. Radek, I need my sunscreen before I leave tomorrow! Radek!"
John kept his distance and continued to watch in amusement and Rodney stubbornly continued to pound without mercy on the door. Finally, after a few minutes of this routine, the door suddenly opened with a swish and revealed a very disheveled looking Zelenka in a bathrobe and holding a small oval container. John was too far away and the light was too dim to see his face, but John was sure that the scene would have been priceless. Without a word exchanged, Radek thrust his bundle forward into the waiting hands of Rodney and melted back into his room as if he'd never appeared in the first place.
John enjoyed imagining the look of stunned confusion that would be gracing Rodney's face right now. As Rodney turned to go, the shock wearing off, John stepped deeper into the shadows of Atlantis. Rather than be caught snooping by Rodney in the dark, he turned back the way he came and took a different route to his room, smiling in amusement. Best not to disturb the already disgruntled beast.
-o-o-o-
John woke feeling well-rested and ready to head out for his day of fun. He decided to cancel his morning run with Ronon, knowing that surfing would give him plenty of exercise. As he headed out the door with his duffel he spun on his heel and trotted back to get his ipod. There was no way he was listening to Teyla's musical. Early this morning she had revealed to them that she had chosen an opera. Nope, sorry, no way. John figured he could easily hide the ear buds and avoid the pointless torture.
The team was due to be beamed from the gate room to a secure location at 0800 hours. He had fifteen minutes to get there and make sure his team was ready to go. As he passed the infirmary, he heard familiar female voices. He hated to eavesdrop, but he wanted to know what was wrong with his teammate.
"Just take a few of these before you eat and your stomach should handle it fine."
"Thank you Doctor Keller. I did not want to upset Rodney," Teyla said.
"Oh don't worry about him," Doctor Keller replied. "He can survive anything."
Teyla placed her hands on the doctor's shoulders and bent her head forward in the Athosian greeting. "I wish you could accompany us Jennifer." John tried to creep away silently, knowing that he was intruding on their private conversation. Unfortunately he realized too late that this was Teyla he was trying to escape from.
"Oh, don't worry about me either. We can't let all the department heads off base on the same day. I'll be fine, Teyla," Doctor Keller assured her with a smile. Teyla gave her a smile and a nod and headed directly towards John with a hint of malicious intent in her eyes, the smile still lingering on her face.
"Did you enjoy our private conversation, John?" Teyla asked as she gracefully lead the way to the 'gate room.
"Oh, no, I was just...going to, ah, the..." John stumbled over words as if tripping over his own two feet.
"Do not worry, John, I am not ill. Rodney informed us that we would be eating...Mexican, for lunch and I feared it would upset my stomach. I simply asked Jennifer for something to help," she quickly reassured him.
"Well that's good to hear. I always say the best defense is a good offense," John tried not to ponder his own offense against the opera. The ipod suddenly felt heavier in his pocket.
"You never say that."
John broke stride in surprise, "Ronon! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?"
"Once more," was the only response that Ronon offered, then added, "And you never say that."
"Well now's as good a time as any to start," John said as he entered the 'gate room. Rodney was surprisingly already in place, smearing his own private sunscreen cocktail on his exposed arms.
"Rodney, it's early in the morning, I told you you're not gonna need that," John pestered in a sing song voice.
"Shut up, Colonel. Just because you and your Hawiian friends over there-"
"They're Athosian and Satedan Rodney, not Hawiian," John cut him off just to annoy.
"Duh, Colonol, of course I-oh I see, lets all pick on the pale guy. Just for once I'd like to-"
"Daedalus, ready to beam," said John as he tapped his radio and double-checked that his team was ready. He looked up to the control room and saw the two techs from earlier deep in conversation, frantically exchanging something in their arms. With a sigh he realized what it was just as he thought he heard a mutter of "No injuries," float down from Woolsey's open office door.
"No, wait! I'm not-" The transport beam and the next second they were in a specially constructed tent just off the beach.
"-ready," Rodney finished flatly. With a scowl he turned to give the Colonel the evil eye.
John already had his aviators on and a smile on his face, the situation in the 'gate room all but forgotten. No one was getting hurt on this trip. "Hope no one left anything behind, cause we aren't goin' back," stated Sheppard as he started to strip down to his swim trunks. He made a grab for the board that was beamed with them, but Ronon got to it first.
"Hey, Chewie, c'mon!" John protested.
"You promised," Ronon reminded him, stubbornly keeping the board out of Sheppard's reach.
"Ronon, give me my board, that's an order!" John raised his voice, clearly irritated.
Rodney noticed that the women on the beach were starting to turn their heads and gawk. "Oh brother," he muttered and stumbled off to join Teyla in the shade. The last thing he needed was to be compared to his two fit, tan, not to mention shirtless, teammates.
"We're on vacation, I don't have to take orders from you," Ronon's voice drifted across the expanse of sand.
"Says who?" asked Sheppard, equal parts defensive and curios.
"The best defense is a good offense."
"No, Ronon, you can't just say that anytime."
"But you said that we should start saying it more often."
The voices faded away as the two soldiers headed toward the water. Rodney picked out a nice beach chair and opened up his portfolio, finally he could catch up on some work without his bumbling underlings in the way. He heard Teyla mutter something about visiting the local shops so he grunted to show that he heard. Sound faded out as he focused in on the paper, relaxing for the first time in weeks.
-o-o-o-
John and Ronon walked in, still seeping salt water through their shirts; their faces and shoulders were bright pink from the sun.
"Ouch, bet you guys wish you had some sunscreen, huh?" Rodney taunted.
"At least we weren't afraid of the water, McKay."
"Hey Conan, I resent that. Just because I'm more educated than you and I know how disgusting that water is-"
"Rodney," John warned, "we're in a nice restaurant, let's use our manners like a good boy."
Before Rodney could respond, the waiter came by to take their orders. Sheppard and Ronon picked some of the spiciest meals on the menu while Rodney and Teyla opted for the less heated options.
They chatted off and on about random topics and strange Earth customs until the food arrived. The boys dug in immediately. Teyla rolled her eyes and began to carefully eat her own heaping plate of real Earth food.
By the time the forks were scraping the plates, John, Ronon, and Rodney all looked ready to pass out. Teyla had been careful to only comfortably fill herself.
"You guys used to eat like this all the time?" Ronon questioned, holding his stomach.
"Yeah, I can't believe it either, Chewie."
"Well only some countries have portions that big. Others give you just the right amount of food."
"Can it, McKay."
"Shall we begin walking to the paintball arena?" Teyla made the first move to stand.
"Oh, my stomach," John groaned as he stood. "Teyla, what did the doc give you and where can I get some?"
"I am sorry, John, I only had the one dose."
"Alright never mind then."
"Buck up, Sheppard."
John sent an evil glare in Ronon's general direction.
"Teyla was smart. The best defense really is a good offense."
"Shut up, McKay!"
-o-o-o-
"Ready to go, Teyla?" Sheppard asked as he adjusted her protective helmet.
"I believe so, all I must do is-"
"OW! Conan, what the was that for?!" came Rodney's shout from behind them.
"The best defense is a good offense."
"Stop saying that! That doesn't mean you get to shoot me before we even start. I'm on your team for crying out loud. And from point blank range! Sheppard, look what Ronon did to me," Rodney whined like a two-year-old, rubbing his chest and smearing green paint everywhere.
"Ronon, you can't shoot anyone until the game officially starts."
"Why? The Wraith wouldn't wait," Ronon pointed out as he admired his shiny new toy. John could tell that he was excited to get his hands back on a gun of any kind since he had to leave his blaster on Atlantis.
"Well this is Earth and the Wraith aren't here. Now keep your voice down and stop shooting your own teammates," Sheppard ordered. He dropped into a low crouch, peering around obstacles and searching for the enemy.
It was anything but a fair fight. The other team was made up of local teens. They never stood a chance against three expertly trained warriors who had gone up against hundreds of Wraith and worse. In the end Rodney was their only casualty of war.
"They were cheating, I swear," Rodney tried to defend himself in the aftermath.
"Yes, Rodney, and that's how we won. It makes perfect sense," said John sarcastically.
"Well fine, be that way. You guys never realize what I contribute to the team. Without me you would just be a bunch of macho men."
Teyla gave Rodney a pointed look.
"Okay fine, umm, ah, what, er, nice weather we've had today," Rodney stated, oblivious to the fact that he was completely transparent.
The three others laughed and Rodney accepted that as a truce. The team continued to converse about anything and everything all the way through dinner. John and Ronon recounted their morning of surfing while Teyla told of what she found in the shops. Rodney defended himself by informing his teammates of all the pollution and contamination in the water. John and Ronon looked slightly disgruntled by this overdose of information, but shrugged it off.
Teyla was becoming increasingly excited about her opera show and begged the others to leave early so they could get good seats. The boys relented and were forced to walk up and down row after row until Teyla found the perfect spot for her viewing. It was strange to see her bouncing with girlish excitement.
"Isn't this exciting?" Teyla asked John with a smile that lit up her whole face. "I'm going to watch a show on Earth for the first time." If only her enthusiasm was infectious, John thought. At least besides slight sunburns and some sore stomach, there were no injuries to speak of.
"Careful," John warned, not wanting her to say anything suspicious. He glanced over to his right to glare at Rodney and Ronon who were once again bickering. "Do I have to separate you two?"
"Yes, mom," Rodney responded, but John's tactic worked and it effectively ended whatever argument they had been engrossed in.
"Shh, the show is starting," wafted Teyla's voice from John's left. The lights dimmed and John figured now was the time to spare himself the pain and pull out his ipod. He placed the headphones in his ears, turned up the volume and drifted away in seconds.
-o-o-o-
Rodney and Ronon were startled back to wakefulness when the end of the show finally arrived. They quickly stood like the rest of the audience to avoid awkward glances. They soon noticed that Sheppard didn't do the same. He continued to sleep, oblivious to the almighty rumble of applause that surrounded him.
"Shouldn't we like, poke him or something?" Rodney asked nervously.
"No, lets let Teyla find out," Ronon said with a mischievous grin his face, raising his voice above the crowd.
"Oh you are so evil, but that is so good!" yelled Rodney, also trying to top the applause. "I don't think a good offense is going to help defend him."
"Nope, there's no defending against Teyla's wrath. He's nailed."
"No Ronon, not nailed, he's screwed. Completely screwed," Rodney yelled with a knowing smirk. It wasn't such a bad vacation after all.