"A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Stargate" by Nindulgence (Song and Dance Challenge)
Title: "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Stargate"
Author: nindulgence
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: mature content
Warnings: immature content, classic-Broadway-musical geekery, coarse language, sexuality, dubious consent
Summary: Aliens can make you do it, but they can't make you gay.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Stargate
Act One, Scene One
[Operations Center, Atlantis, TECHNICIAN at the controls. Enter WEIR, SHEPPARD, McKAY, EMMAGAN, FORD, GRODIN, and BATES.]
WEIR:
Our last few missions have been disastrous, we're low on supplies, and we still haven't located a ZPM. Tell me good news, gentlemen--have you found a better prospect for our next mission?
SHEPPARD:
Where do we want to go today?
Here's an Address for You
(To the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns" [aka "I've Got the Horse Right Here"] from Guys and Dolls)
GRODIN:
Here's an address for you:
P4X-three-nine-two.
For once, the ground is dry and the sky is blue.
Looks clear, looks clear,
Our scans say the place looks clear.
There isn't a thing to fear:
Looks clear, looks clear.
Looks clear, looks clear,
Our scans say the place looks clear.
There isn't a thing to fear:
Looks clear, looks clear.
McKAY:
There's no technology!--
But on M1K-three,
An Ancient structure's giving off energy.
E.M., E.M.--
The MALP's reading high E.M.
It could be a ZPM.
E.M., E.M.
BATES:
It's not secure, that gate.
Your team will be Wraith bait
Unless you puddlejump from M1K-eight.
Surprised, surprised,
The Wraith guards will be surprised
Unless we've been compromised.
Surprised, surprised.
GRODIN:
Before we plan sorties,
Let's check priorities:
McKay just ate the last of our mac and cheese.
Need food, need food
To fight, all of us need food.
Without coffee, too, we're screwed.
Need food, need food.
McKAY:
Sure, visit farmers' fields
And barter for their yields--
But not before we've powered this city's shields.
Exposed, exposed--
Right now, we are all exposed.
If Wraith come, we'll be bulldozed.
Exposed, exposed.
BATES:
The problem there, of course?
We've found no power source;
Meanwhile, we keep provoking the vampire force.
We're dead, we're dead--
Continue like this, we're dead.
Without a shield overhead,
We're dead, we're dead.
GRODIN:
So fine, let's be discreet
And seek something to eat
On sheltered worlds away from the Wraith's main fleet.
Like this, like this,
Let's visit a world like this--
The picture of pastoral bliss,
Like this, like this.
McKAY:
Okay, we've all digressed.
M1K-three is best,
Which--since it's my suggestion--you might have guessed.
What more, what more
Do you need to know, what more?
BATES:
Sure, let's investigate--
Just use M1K-eight.
It's near that moon where you were all forced to mate.
Forced to mate!
McKAY:
Mine is best!
GRODIN:
Three-nine-two!
ALL:
Here's an address for you!
WEIR:
So, no consensus? Okay, then. John, your team's priority is finding a power source for the city's shield, so check out the readings on M1K-003--but I'd like you to follow Sergeant Bates's recommendation and approach the planet via M1K-008. Let's keep this a stealth mission, however--don't engage with the Wraith unless you have to. Meanwhile, Peter? Procure me a list of our most urgent supply needs and we'll send out some other teams to negotiate for foodstuffs on P4X-392 and any other quiet pastoral planets you can locate.
All right, every one?
Major Sheppard, can you have a puddlejumper prepped and ready for departure in half an hour?
SHEPPARD:
Sure thing, Doctor Weir.
WEIR:
I'll see you in the Gate Room, then.
~~~~~
Act One, Scene Two
[The Gate Room in Atlantis, GRODIN and TECHNICIAN at the controls. Enter WEIR, SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, FORD, and BATES.]
WEIR:
So, John, I see the rest of your team is ready to go, but where's Rodney?
SHEPPARD:
He'll just be a minute. He had to run back to his lab for a scanner.
[Terrified screams offstage, followed by roaring, crashes, stomping, and breaking glass.]
WEIR:
What's going on?
[Enter ZELENKA, panting.]
ZELENKA:
Look out, it's McKay!
WEIR:
McKay?
ZELENKA:
He's been transformed into a--
[Enter McKAY, transformed into a modestly-sized (but nonetheless impressive) Tyrannosaurus rex, followed by an excited crowd of SCIENTISTS.]
ZELENKA:
Rodneysaur!
Rodneysaur
(To the tune of "Oliver!" from Oliver!)
SCIENTISTS:
Rodneysaur, Rodneysaur--
VOICE IN THE CROWD:
This has never happened before!
SCIENTISTS:
Rodneysaur, Rodneysaur--
McKay's appetite in a big carnivore!
ZELENKA:
He was reaching in a
Pile of Ancient technology
For a scanner, but he
Touched the wrong thing and it changed his biology.
SCIENTISTS:
Rodneysaur, Rodneysaur,
How'll we exist with no head scientist?
We insist that your
Next mission cure this Rodneysaur!
WEIR:
I agree--but how? Is there no way to change him back using the same device?
ZELENKA:
We're not entirely sure which one he touched--and to find it and hold it to him, one of us would have to touch it as well, risking another transformation and another dinosaur loose in the city.
EMMAGAN:
There is a way to change Dr. McKay back to his human self. We must visit the planet of the dinosaur people.
SHEPPARD:
I love how you say that with a straight face. The planet of the dinosaur people?
EMMAGAN:
That is what it is called, Major. The people there have the ability to change their forms from human to dinosaur and back again, using the pollen of a rare and precious local flower.
SHEPPARD:
Well, okay then. Dr. Weir?
WEIR:
Can you even get Rodney to follow you, as he is now? And will he fit through the gate?
SHEPPARD:
Oh, he can squeeze through. Can't you, big fella?
McKAY:
[Roars.]
EMMAGAN:
Dr. McKay, can you understand what we're saying to you?
McKAY:
[Roars and thrashes.]
FORD:
Is that a yes or a no?
WEIR:
Rodney may only have access to his reptilian brain while in this form.
ZELENKA:
Lizard-brain impulses, always very strong in McKay.
SHEPPARD:
[Holds out a power bar.] Hey there, McKay--you want a power bar?
FORD:
Or maybe the hand that's holding it?
SHEPPARD:
No, look, he likes it--don't you, big guy? Lots more where this came from, and all you have to do is follow us through that big round thing over there.
EMMAGAN:
He seems to like you, Major.
SHEPPARD:
I'm good with kids and dogs, too.
WEIR:
All right, then, John, you have a go.
[EMMAGAN gives gate address to TECHNICIAN.]
WEIR:
Just...be careful out there.
SHEPPARD:
We've got a pet T. rex in tow--you really think anyone's going to attack us? Let's go, people. McKay, heel!
[Exeunt SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, and McKAY (roaring).]
FORD:
How come Teyla gets to name the planets? [Exit.]
BATES:
Was that wise, Dr. Weir? We don't know anything about these so-called dinosaur people.
WEIR:
Apparently Teyla does--we're lucky to have her help in this situation. [Exit, followed by ZELENKA and SCIENTISTS.]
Emmagan
(To the tune of "Maria" from West Side Story)
BATES:
Emmagan!
First the Major's ensnared by her alien wiles.
Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan.
Now Doc Weir and the rest are all charmed by her brilliant smiles.
Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan,
Emmagan!
I don't trust this Teyla Emmagan!
Her midriff's always bare
Which really isn't fair
To me.
Emmagan!
I can't concentrate when she's talkin'--
So how can I attack
The holes in her back-
Story?
Emmagan!
Weir trusts her to give advice now--
This stranger who's changed her wig twice now.
Emmagan!
No more Mr. Nice now, Emmagan!
GRODIN:
That song of yours...it doesn't advance the plot at all, does it?
BATES:
Not unless she betrays us...which she might.
GRODIN: (singing)
Emmagan...I fear that she's peeked at my login!
TECHNICIAN: (singing)
Emmagan...about her, each day I am bloggin'!
BATES:
Very funny. We'll see who laughs last, won't we? [Exit.]
GRODIN: (singing)
Emmagan...this is a dead horse I am floggin'!
BATES: (offstage)
Shut up!
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene One
[Planet of the Dinosaur People, village square. VILLAGERS mill about, engaged in various activities. One is making a large dinosaur harness out of leather; one is whittling a toy dinosaur; one is selling dinosaur-shaped pinatas; a few are drinking from dinosaur-shaped mugs.]
[Enter ECTO the village lookout, gasping for breath.]
ECTO:
News, news, the most incredible news!
[Enter PLODOCUS the village beadle, with HENCHMEN.]
PLODOCUS:
What is it? What news from the Stargate?
ECTO:
Teyla Emmagan has just come through, accompanied by a Tyrannosaurus rex!
VILLAGERS:
A Tyrannosaurus rex!
PLODOCUS:
Our prayers have been answered at last!
[Enter SHEPPARD, McKAY, EMMAGAN, and FORD.]
VILLAGERS:
Oooohhh! [They all bow before McKAY. McKAY retreats behind SHEPPARD and peers over his head warily.]
PLODOCUS:
Teyla Emmagan. It has been many seasons.
EMMAGAN:
It has indeed, Plodocus. Allow me to introduce my friends--Major Sheppard, Lieutenant Ford, and...Dr. McKay.
PLODOCUS:
Welcome, friends! I am Plodocus, the village beadle. Teyla, we are overwhelmed. Never before has any offworlder bestowed upon us such a magnificent gift.
SHEPPARD:
"Gift"?
EMMAGAN:
I beg your pardon?
PLODOCUS:
It has been many, many years since one of our citizens was blessed enough to be granted the form before which all other beings must bow. We have lived in hope--our people have kept undertaking the Great Transformation--but even the sons and daughters of our most eminent families have tragically failed to achieve Rexhood!
EMMAGAN:
I'm afraid you don't understand. This T. rex is not mine to give. He is a good friend whose transformation was accidental, and we have come to ask you for your help in reversing it.
PLODOCUS:
I'm afraid you don't understand. We need your friend--in his current form--for protection and for so much more!
There Is Nothing Like a Rex
(To the tune of "There Is Nothing Like a Dame" from South Pacific)
PLODOCUS:
We got dinos here aplenty
Running wild and roaming free.
We got rhinos, ten or twenty,
And sharks swimming in the sea.
We got mastodons and tigers,
We got almost everything.
What ain't we got?
VILLAGERS:
The tyrant king!
PLODOCUS:
We got twelve Velociraptors,
We got one Triceratops
To fend off potential captors
Who beam down among our crops.
We got Archeopteryxes
That patrol the skies above.
What ain't we got?
VILLAGERS:
The 'saur we love!
PLODOCUS:
We've bred nothing to keep our whole planet here safe yet.
Your T. rex can now stand between us and the Wraith threat.
VILLAGERS:
There is nothing like a Rex to defend our world!
On our far-flung wormhole treks, we've found nothing quite like a Rex.
We feel humbled by his greatness;
We are honoured by his size;
At his jaw, we fill with faintness
And we venerate his thighs;
We adore his little forelimbs;
He's so well-endowed we're awed:
He's meant to be
Our own love god!
[McKAY clutches SHEPPARD's shoulder. SHEPPARD yelps.]
PLODOCUS:
Every T. rex may be special but this I maintain, sirs--
The beauty and grace of McKay-Rex will put the rest to shame, sirs.
VILLAGERS:
There is nothing like a Rex for fertility!
To bring rain and crops and sex, there is nothing quite like a Rex.
Nothing else has such effects on our youths and girls!
See them clasp each other's necks in excitement at your T. rex.
EXTREMELY DEEP-VOICED VILLAGER:
There is absolutely nothing like the sex
Of a Rex.
PLODOCUS:
So let's build the sacred altar
And prepare the holy ale
For the ritual defloration
That will crown him our main male.
Put your hands down, youths and maidens--
See, we need no volunteer.
He's clearly chosen
His friend right here.
SHEPPARD:
Say what?
VILLAGERS:
It's a choice that may perplex, but we bow to the will of Rex.
Nothing can bless like a Rex
Or caress like a Rex.
Nothing brings luck like a Rex
Or can--
EMMAGAN:
Yes, yes, thank you, I believe we understand you now--but the fact remains that we need our friend too, and I believe that he needs us. We cannot leave him here, and we cannot allow him to remain in this dinosaur body.
PLODOCUS:
Are you sure he wishes to return to his human form? As a T. rex, he can impose his merest whim on those around him, pushing aside all opposition to his will.
SHEPPARD:
Actually, McKay pretty much did that in human form too. What's this about being chosen?
PLODOCUS:
[Gestures to MCKAY, who is still clutching Sheppard.] McKay-Rex has obviously selected you as his human partner for the sacred fertility ritual. Our village virgins will be sadly disappointed, but in this we must obey the will of our lord and master.
SHEPPARD:
Fertility ritual?
PLODOCUS:
Enough discussion! We must erect the altar, bless the holy ale, bedeck our new Rex with the freshest and most fragrant flowers, and attempt to make his human partner somewhat less scruffy-looking. [Claps hands. PLODOCUS and the VILLAGERS surround McKAY and herd him off stage right, while PLODOCUS's HENCHMEN drag SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, and FORD off stage left.]
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene Two
[A hut in the village. VILLAGE MAIDENS and YOUTHS are washing SHEPPARD'S face and hands and combing his hair, while FORD looks on and EMMAGAN stands aside with one of the MAIDENS, talking quietly.]
SHEPPARD:
All right, all right, this isn't the prom. We're done here, go on. [Exeunt MAIDENS and YOUTHS.]
FORD:
This is all very King Kong, sir.
SHEPPARD:
Yeah, and I am not looking forward to being Fay Wray. Teyla, what did you find out?
EMMAGAN:
The holy ale is distilled in a monastery located in a valley not far from here. It has special ingredients added that render it a potent aphrodisiac.
SHEPPARD:
I don't care how potent it is--there's no way they can get me drunk enough to go through with this.
EMMAGAN:
The aphrodisiac is not meant for you. As the honoured partner of the T. rex, you are expected to be overcome with arousal at the mere sight of his magnificence.
SHEPPARD:
Yeah, speaking of that...does a T. rex even have a...you know?
FORD:
Actually, we don't know, sir. That's not the kind of soft tisuue that gets preserved in fossil form. Back on Earth, the thinking is that there may have been sort of an all-purpose cavity hidden under the tail, that might have bulged out a little during--
[SHEPPARD glares at him.]
FORD:
--the, uh, ritual activity...but this is a Pegasus Galaxy T. rex. Who knows what he might be packing?
SHEPPARD:
Thank you, Lieutenant, that's very reassuring. Teyla?
EMMAGAN:
Do not worry, Major. You will not have to go through with the ritual.
SHEPPARD:
And we're managing this how?
EMMAGAN:
I still have friends among the villagers here, and--saddened though they will be to lose Dr. McKay--they agree that it would be wrong to keep him here in dinosaur form against his will. They have offered to help us.
FORD:
How?
EMMAGAN:
As I said, the holy ale for the ritual is intended for Dr. McKay: Plodocus is even now placing it into a very large hypodermic needle that he will hand to Major Sheppard on a golden platter at the start of the ritual. Major, you will be expected to inject the aphrodisiac directly into Dr. McKay's bloodstream.
SHEPPARD:
Still not following how all this gets us out of the ritual...
EMMAGAN:
It is very simple. If you recall, the people of this planet effect the transformation from dinosaur to human and back again by means of the pollen of a very rare and precious native flower. It takes over a thousand flowers to make enough pollen to effect the transformation. My friends in the village have managed to obtain a single pellet for us: they have dissolved it in beer that looks exactly like the aphrodisiacal holy ale, and placed it in a hypo that appears identical to the official needle. They are even now making the switch, so that the concoction you will be handed during the ceremony will not fill Doctor McKay with uncontrollable arousal, but will rather change him back to his human form.
SHEPPARD:
The old switch-the-needles manoeuvre, huh? I like it.
[Enter VILLAGE MAIDEN.]
MAIDEN:
Everything is ready--with one small complication. When Ecto went to switch the needles, he feared to defile the holy one with the touch of his unworthy hand, so he simply laid the substitute hypo beside it.
FORD:
Won't this beadle guy notice a second syringe?
MAIDEN:
No, he's very near-sighted.
SHEPPARD:
How do I tell them apart? Teyla said they looked exactly alike.
MAIDEN:
There is a small label on the substitute hypo. It should say "pollen" but I'm afraid we were in a hurry.
EMMAGAN:
What does it actually say?
MAIDEN:
"Poolen."
FORD:
So the hypo has a typo?
MAIDEN:
Yes, the hypo with the typo holds the pellet with the pollen. The needle from the beadle has the ale from the vale.
SHEPPARD:
The hippo with the tipple?
MAIDEN:
No, the hypo with the typo.
FORD:
The noodle from the poodle?
MAIDEN:
No, the needle from the beadle. The needle from the beadle holds the ale from the vale; the hypo with the typo has the pellet with the pollen!
EMMAGAN:
It's so simple, Major--I can say it!
SHEPPARD:
Then you inject him!
EMMAGAN:
Just listen. Avoid the ale from the holy vale, which will be in one of the needles handed to you by the beadle. You want the pellet with the pollen, which you'll find in the hypo labelled with a typo.
SHEPPARD:
So...the hypo with the typo holds the pellet with the pollen, and the needle from the beadle holds the ale from the vale?
MAIDEN and EMMAGAN:
Yes!
FORD:
By George, I think you've got it, sir!
[A loud gong sounds offstage. Drums beat.]
MAIDEN:
The ritual!
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene Three
[The village square. An altar has been erected centrestage: McKAY stands there, under ceremonial guard, bedecked with flowers. Stripped to the waist, a VILLAGER slowly bangs a large gong, DRUMMERS beat their drums, and flower-bedecked VILLAGERS hold torches and chant. It is, in fact, very King Kong. Enter from stage right PLODOCUS bearing a golden tray. Enter from stage left SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, and FORD.]
SHEPPARD: (muttering)
The harpo with the zeppo has the puppet with the pimple...no, the hypo with the marple has the peanut from the pinto...
[Enter MAIDEN. She draws SHEPPARD aside.]
SHEPPARD:
I've got it! The hypo with the typo has the pellet with the pollen; the needle from the beadle holds the ale from the vale.
MAIDEN:
Very good! But there's been another complication.
SHEPPARD:
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
MAIDEN:
The hypo with the typo cracked. But we were able to save the sample--
SHEPPARD:
You were?
MAIDEN:
--and we've placed it in an ampoule, ready for injecting.
SHEPPARD:
The sample's in an ampoule?
MAIDEN:
Yes, on the tray beside the needle from the beadle.
SHEPPARD:
The sample in the ampoule holds the pellet with the pollen?
MAIDEN:
Yes! Just remember that.
PLODOCUS:
[Holds out golden platter with needles.]
Oh, honoured youth, about to be
Made one with utter majesty
Receive this ale, with love agleam
And plunge it into his bloodstream!
SHEPPARD:
Nice. You should work for Hallmark. [Takes both needles.]
PLODOCUS:
Ascend the steps to your destiny!
SHEPPARD:
You're all planning on watching this? You sure you don't want to send the kids home?
PLODOCUS:
Ascend!
[HENCHMEN close in on Sheppard.]
SHEPPARD:
All right, all right. [Ascends steps, looking from one needle to the other.] The polo with the pillow's in the apple with the crumble...the needle with the tweedle...the stipple with the tipple...oh, the hell with it. [Injects McKAY with both needles.]
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene Four
[The Gate Room in Atlantis, GRODIN and TECHNICIAN at the controls. Enter through Stargate SHEPPARD and McKAY (in human form), both very dishevelled, followed by EMMAGAN and FORD, picking flowers out of their hair. Enter WEIR.]
WEIR:
Dr. McKay, I'm glad to see you looking a little more human. But what happened to the two of you?
[McKAY, EMMAGAN, and FORD all open their mouths to speak, but Sheppard cuts them off.]
SHEPPARD:
Look, in order to get McKay back, we had to have sex in front of a crowd of villagers--it was no big deal, okay?
WEIR:
"We?"
McKAY:
Just the Major and me. And actually, according to Teyla--
SHEPPARD:
McKay, just let me do the talking, okay?
Gee, Major and Doctor
(To the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story)
SHEPPARD:
Believe me, Dr. Weir,
It's not that we are gay.
It's just the local beer
That made us act that way.
Since then, we've both been belching
And talking about sports.
Does it have to go in our reports?
WEIR:
Now, Major and Doctor, you're clearly upset:
Perhaps you're just not ready for a debriefing yet.
I see Rodney's shaking, and John can't quite walk--
It looks to me like you're in shock.
McKAY:
We're in shock?
SHEPPARD:
We're in shock, we're in shock,
You're as white as chalk
And our weak-kneed state is just from shock!
WEIR: (spoken)
So you know what to do about that, don't you?
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Huddle together under a blanket and hold each other until the trembling stops?
WEIR: (spoken)
Or you could go see Dr. Beckett.
SHEPPARD and McKAY: (spoken)
Dr. Beckett!
[Scene changes to Medical Bay, BECKETT examining SHEPPARD and McKAY.]
SHEPPARD:
Believe me, Dr. Beckett,
It's really not habitual
For us to both get nekkid
In some offworld sex ritual.
McKay, see, he was whammied
And me--well, I got whammed.
If it means a thing, though, I'll be damned.
BECKETT:
Hmm, Major and Doctor, you both seem confused,
Your skins are rubbed quite raw and you're alarmingly bruised.
Still, I shouldn't keep you; you'd better get dressed.
You're post-traumatically stressed.
McKAY:
We are stressed?
SHEPPARD:
We are stressed, we are stressed,
That's it, Doc, you've guessed
That we're post-traumatically stressed.
BECKETT: (spoken)
So, you know what you both need to do now, don't you?
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Talk about our feelings until we overcome our lifelong emotional barriers?
BECKETT: (spoken)
I was thinking you could visit Dr. Heightmeyer.
SHEPPARD and McKAY: (spoken)
Dr. Heightmeyer!
[Scene changes to Dr. Heightmeyer's Office, HEIGHTMEYER seated, SHEPPARD and McKAY on couches.]
SHEPPARD:
I tossed a coin to get here;
I've got no family.
McKAY:
I'm scared that Carter's better
And someday they'll all see.
SHEPPARD:
I'm guarded and laconic.
McKAY:
I'm hyper and verbose.
SHEPPARD and McKAY:
Surely it's quite natural we're close?
HEIGHTMEYER:
Yes, Major and Doctor, two comrades in arms
Can bond without succumbing to their physical charms.
Though aliens can make you have sex, this I'll say--
No, aliens can't make you gay.
McKAY:
We're not gay?
SHEPPARD:
We're not gay, we're not gay.
Like I've tried to say,
Friends can have great sex and not be gay!
HEIGHTMEYER: (spoken)
Hmm...under the circumstances, there's really only one course of action I can recommend.
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Obsess over the mind-blowingness of the experience until we're forced to confront subconscious prejudices and fully embrace and explore our sexualities?
HEIGHTMEYER: (spoken)
Or you could not ask, not tell.
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Don't ask, don't tell!
McKAY:
Mind-blowingness?
[Scene changes to Conference Room, McKAY watching SHEPPARD speak into a videocamera operated by FORD.]
SHEPPARD:
Dear General O'Neill,
Of Earth, Stargate Command,
I'm happy to reveal
This mission went as planned:
McKay is back to normal;
The locals aren't too glad;
And that's all--I have no more to add.
McKAY:
There's just one thing, Major, I'd ask you explain.
We both know that you have a Mensa-certified brain.
Why couldn't you tell those two needles apart?
SHEPPARD:
Would you believe I'm not that smart?
McKAY:
Not that smart?
You're that smart, you're that smart--
SHEPPARD:
Maybe in my heart
There's a chance I'm really not that smart.
McKAY:
The trouble is you're flirty.
SHEPPARD:
The trouble is you stare.
McKAY:
The trouble is you hurt me.
SHEPPARD:
The trouble is you care.
McKAY:
The trouble is we're loners.
SHEPPARD:
The trouble's we're alone.
SHEPPARD and McKAY:
What the trouble is we've always known. [They fall into each other's arms.]
FORD:
Ahem! Major and Doctor, can't you hear me cough?
See, Don't Ask, Don't Tell works best when the camera's turned off.
Uh, Major and Doctor--
You want me to go?
Gee, Major and Doctor!
Guess so!
[Exit FORD. Curtain falls on SHEPPARD and McKAY, still embracing.]
The End
~~~~~
Author's Notes:
"The hypo with the typo" is, of course, an affectionate homage to the classic "vessel with the pestle" sequence in The Court Jester.
For the concept of a Rodneysaur, I am indebted to spaggel and maryavatar (see Twenty-Four Hours with a Rodneysaur). Their version is much, much cuter than this one.
[ETA: Slightly edited to clean up some formatting.]
~~~~~
Author: nindulgence
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: mature content
Warnings: immature content, classic-Broadway-musical geekery, coarse language, sexuality, dubious consent
Summary: Aliens can make you do it, but they can't make you gay.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Stargate
Act One, Scene One
[Operations Center, Atlantis, TECHNICIAN at the controls. Enter WEIR, SHEPPARD, McKAY, EMMAGAN, FORD, GRODIN, and BATES.]
WEIR:
Our last few missions have been disastrous, we're low on supplies, and we still haven't located a ZPM. Tell me good news, gentlemen--have you found a better prospect for our next mission?
SHEPPARD:
Where do we want to go today?
Here's an Address for You
(To the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns" [aka "I've Got the Horse Right Here"] from Guys and Dolls)
GRODIN:
Here's an address for you:
P4X-three-nine-two.
For once, the ground is dry and the sky is blue.
Looks clear, looks clear,
Our scans say the place looks clear.
There isn't a thing to fear:
Looks clear, looks clear.
Looks clear, looks clear,
Our scans say the place looks clear.
There isn't a thing to fear:
Looks clear, looks clear.
McKAY:
There's no technology!--
But on M1K-three,
An Ancient structure's giving off energy.
E.M., E.M.--
The MALP's reading high E.M.
It could be a ZPM.
E.M., E.M.
BATES:
It's not secure, that gate.
Your team will be Wraith bait
Unless you puddlejump from M1K-eight.
Surprised, surprised,
The Wraith guards will be surprised
Unless we've been compromised.
Surprised, surprised.
GRODIN:
Before we plan sorties,
Let's check priorities:
McKay just ate the last of our mac and cheese.
Need food, need food
To fight, all of us need food.
Without coffee, too, we're screwed.
Need food, need food.
McKAY:
Sure, visit farmers' fields
And barter for their yields--
But not before we've powered this city's shields.
Exposed, exposed--
Right now, we are all exposed.
If Wraith come, we'll be bulldozed.
Exposed, exposed.
BATES:
The problem there, of course?
We've found no power source;
Meanwhile, we keep provoking the vampire force.
We're dead, we're dead--
Continue like this, we're dead.
Without a shield overhead,
We're dead, we're dead.
GRODIN:
So fine, let's be discreet
And seek something to eat
On sheltered worlds away from the Wraith's main fleet.
Like this, like this,
Let's visit a world like this--
The picture of pastoral bliss,
Like this, like this.
McKAY:
Okay, we've all digressed.
M1K-three is best,
Which--since it's my suggestion--you might have guessed.
What more, what more
Do you need to know, what more?
BATES:
Sure, let's investigate--
Just use M1K-eight.
It's near that moon where you were all forced to mate.
Forced to mate!
McKAY:
Mine is best!
GRODIN:
Three-nine-two!
ALL:
Here's an address for you!
WEIR:
So, no consensus? Okay, then. John, your team's priority is finding a power source for the city's shield, so check out the readings on M1K-003--but I'd like you to follow Sergeant Bates's recommendation and approach the planet via M1K-008. Let's keep this a stealth mission, however--don't engage with the Wraith unless you have to. Meanwhile, Peter? Procure me a list of our most urgent supply needs and we'll send out some other teams to negotiate for foodstuffs on P4X-392 and any other quiet pastoral planets you can locate.
All right, every one?
Major Sheppard, can you have a puddlejumper prepped and ready for departure in half an hour?
SHEPPARD:
Sure thing, Doctor Weir.
WEIR:
I'll see you in the Gate Room, then.
~~~~~
Act One, Scene Two
[The Gate Room in Atlantis, GRODIN and TECHNICIAN at the controls. Enter WEIR, SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, FORD, and BATES.]
WEIR:
So, John, I see the rest of your team is ready to go, but where's Rodney?
SHEPPARD:
He'll just be a minute. He had to run back to his lab for a scanner.
[Terrified screams offstage, followed by roaring, crashes, stomping, and breaking glass.]
WEIR:
What's going on?
[Enter ZELENKA, panting.]
ZELENKA:
Look out, it's McKay!
WEIR:
McKay?
ZELENKA:
He's been transformed into a--
[Enter McKAY, transformed into a modestly-sized (but nonetheless impressive) Tyrannosaurus rex, followed by an excited crowd of SCIENTISTS.]
ZELENKA:
Rodneysaur!
Rodneysaur
(To the tune of "Oliver!" from Oliver!)
SCIENTISTS:
Rodneysaur, Rodneysaur--
VOICE IN THE CROWD:
This has never happened before!
SCIENTISTS:
Rodneysaur, Rodneysaur--
McKay's appetite in a big carnivore!
ZELENKA:
He was reaching in a
Pile of Ancient technology
For a scanner, but he
Touched the wrong thing and it changed his biology.
SCIENTISTS:
Rodneysaur, Rodneysaur,
How'll we exist with no head scientist?
We insist that your
Next mission cure this Rodneysaur!
WEIR:
I agree--but how? Is there no way to change him back using the same device?
ZELENKA:
We're not entirely sure which one he touched--and to find it and hold it to him, one of us would have to touch it as well, risking another transformation and another dinosaur loose in the city.
EMMAGAN:
There is a way to change Dr. McKay back to his human self. We must visit the planet of the dinosaur people.
SHEPPARD:
I love how you say that with a straight face. The planet of the dinosaur people?
EMMAGAN:
That is what it is called, Major. The people there have the ability to change their forms from human to dinosaur and back again, using the pollen of a rare and precious local flower.
SHEPPARD:
Well, okay then. Dr. Weir?
WEIR:
Can you even get Rodney to follow you, as he is now? And will he fit through the gate?
SHEPPARD:
Oh, he can squeeze through. Can't you, big fella?
McKAY:
[Roars.]
EMMAGAN:
Dr. McKay, can you understand what we're saying to you?
McKAY:
[Roars and thrashes.]
FORD:
Is that a yes or a no?
WEIR:
Rodney may only have access to his reptilian brain while in this form.
ZELENKA:
Lizard-brain impulses, always very strong in McKay.
SHEPPARD:
[Holds out a power bar.] Hey there, McKay--you want a power bar?
FORD:
Or maybe the hand that's holding it?
SHEPPARD:
No, look, he likes it--don't you, big guy? Lots more where this came from, and all you have to do is follow us through that big round thing over there.
EMMAGAN:
He seems to like you, Major.
SHEPPARD:
I'm good with kids and dogs, too.
WEIR:
All right, then, John, you have a go.
[EMMAGAN gives gate address to TECHNICIAN.]
WEIR:
Just...be careful out there.
SHEPPARD:
We've got a pet T. rex in tow--you really think anyone's going to attack us? Let's go, people. McKay, heel!
[Exeunt SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, and McKAY (roaring).]
FORD:
How come Teyla gets to name the planets? [Exit.]
BATES:
Was that wise, Dr. Weir? We don't know anything about these so-called dinosaur people.
WEIR:
Apparently Teyla does--we're lucky to have her help in this situation. [Exit, followed by ZELENKA and SCIENTISTS.]
Emmagan
(To the tune of "Maria" from West Side Story)
BATES:
Emmagan!
First the Major's ensnared by her alien wiles.
Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan.
Now Doc Weir and the rest are all charmed by her brilliant smiles.
Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan, Emmagan,
Emmagan!
I don't trust this Teyla Emmagan!
Her midriff's always bare
Which really isn't fair
To me.
Emmagan!
I can't concentrate when she's talkin'--
So how can I attack
The holes in her back-
Story?
Emmagan!
Weir trusts her to give advice now--
This stranger who's changed her wig twice now.
Emmagan!
No more Mr. Nice now, Emmagan!
GRODIN:
That song of yours...it doesn't advance the plot at all, does it?
BATES:
Not unless she betrays us...which she might.
GRODIN: (singing)
Emmagan...I fear that she's peeked at my login!
TECHNICIAN: (singing)
Emmagan...about her, each day I am bloggin'!
BATES:
Very funny. We'll see who laughs last, won't we? [Exit.]
GRODIN: (singing)
Emmagan...this is a dead horse I am floggin'!
BATES: (offstage)
Shut up!
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene One
[Planet of the Dinosaur People, village square. VILLAGERS mill about, engaged in various activities. One is making a large dinosaur harness out of leather; one is whittling a toy dinosaur; one is selling dinosaur-shaped pinatas; a few are drinking from dinosaur-shaped mugs.]
[Enter ECTO the village lookout, gasping for breath.]
ECTO:
News, news, the most incredible news!
[Enter PLODOCUS the village beadle, with HENCHMEN.]
PLODOCUS:
What is it? What news from the Stargate?
ECTO:
Teyla Emmagan has just come through, accompanied by a Tyrannosaurus rex!
VILLAGERS:
A Tyrannosaurus rex!
PLODOCUS:
Our prayers have been answered at last!
[Enter SHEPPARD, McKAY, EMMAGAN, and FORD.]
VILLAGERS:
Oooohhh! [They all bow before McKAY. McKAY retreats behind SHEPPARD and peers over his head warily.]
PLODOCUS:
Teyla Emmagan. It has been many seasons.
EMMAGAN:
It has indeed, Plodocus. Allow me to introduce my friends--Major Sheppard, Lieutenant Ford, and...Dr. McKay.
PLODOCUS:
Welcome, friends! I am Plodocus, the village beadle. Teyla, we are overwhelmed. Never before has any offworlder bestowed upon us such a magnificent gift.
SHEPPARD:
"Gift"?
EMMAGAN:
I beg your pardon?
PLODOCUS:
It has been many, many years since one of our citizens was blessed enough to be granted the form before which all other beings must bow. We have lived in hope--our people have kept undertaking the Great Transformation--but even the sons and daughters of our most eminent families have tragically failed to achieve Rexhood!
EMMAGAN:
I'm afraid you don't understand. This T. rex is not mine to give. He is a good friend whose transformation was accidental, and we have come to ask you for your help in reversing it.
PLODOCUS:
I'm afraid you don't understand. We need your friend--in his current form--for protection and for so much more!
There Is Nothing Like a Rex
(To the tune of "There Is Nothing Like a Dame" from South Pacific)
PLODOCUS:
We got dinos here aplenty
Running wild and roaming free.
We got rhinos, ten or twenty,
And sharks swimming in the sea.
We got mastodons and tigers,
We got almost everything.
What ain't we got?
VILLAGERS:
The tyrant king!
PLODOCUS:
We got twelve Velociraptors,
We got one Triceratops
To fend off potential captors
Who beam down among our crops.
We got Archeopteryxes
That patrol the skies above.
What ain't we got?
VILLAGERS:
The 'saur we love!
PLODOCUS:
We've bred nothing to keep our whole planet here safe yet.
Your T. rex can now stand between us and the Wraith threat.
VILLAGERS:
There is nothing like a Rex to defend our world!
On our far-flung wormhole treks, we've found nothing quite like a Rex.
We feel humbled by his greatness;
We are honoured by his size;
At his jaw, we fill with faintness
And we venerate his thighs;
We adore his little forelimbs;
He's so well-endowed we're awed:
He's meant to be
Our own love god!
[McKAY clutches SHEPPARD's shoulder. SHEPPARD yelps.]
PLODOCUS:
Every T. rex may be special but this I maintain, sirs--
The beauty and grace of McKay-Rex will put the rest to shame, sirs.
VILLAGERS:
There is nothing like a Rex for fertility!
To bring rain and crops and sex, there is nothing quite like a Rex.
Nothing else has such effects on our youths and girls!
See them clasp each other's necks in excitement at your T. rex.
EXTREMELY DEEP-VOICED VILLAGER:
There is absolutely nothing like the sex
Of a Rex.
PLODOCUS:
So let's build the sacred altar
And prepare the holy ale
For the ritual defloration
That will crown him our main male.
Put your hands down, youths and maidens--
See, we need no volunteer.
He's clearly chosen
His friend right here.
SHEPPARD:
Say what?
VILLAGERS:
It's a choice that may perplex, but we bow to the will of Rex.
Nothing can bless like a Rex
Or caress like a Rex.
Nothing brings luck like a Rex
Or can--
EMMAGAN:
Yes, yes, thank you, I believe we understand you now--but the fact remains that we need our friend too, and I believe that he needs us. We cannot leave him here, and we cannot allow him to remain in this dinosaur body.
PLODOCUS:
Are you sure he wishes to return to his human form? As a T. rex, he can impose his merest whim on those around him, pushing aside all opposition to his will.
SHEPPARD:
Actually, McKay pretty much did that in human form too. What's this about being chosen?
PLODOCUS:
[Gestures to MCKAY, who is still clutching Sheppard.] McKay-Rex has obviously selected you as his human partner for the sacred fertility ritual. Our village virgins will be sadly disappointed, but in this we must obey the will of our lord and master.
SHEPPARD:
Fertility ritual?
PLODOCUS:
Enough discussion! We must erect the altar, bless the holy ale, bedeck our new Rex with the freshest and most fragrant flowers, and attempt to make his human partner somewhat less scruffy-looking. [Claps hands. PLODOCUS and the VILLAGERS surround McKAY and herd him off stage right, while PLODOCUS's HENCHMEN drag SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, and FORD off stage left.]
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene Two
[A hut in the village. VILLAGE MAIDENS and YOUTHS are washing SHEPPARD'S face and hands and combing his hair, while FORD looks on and EMMAGAN stands aside with one of the MAIDENS, talking quietly.]
SHEPPARD:
All right, all right, this isn't the prom. We're done here, go on. [Exeunt MAIDENS and YOUTHS.]
FORD:
This is all very King Kong, sir.
SHEPPARD:
Yeah, and I am not looking forward to being Fay Wray. Teyla, what did you find out?
EMMAGAN:
The holy ale is distilled in a monastery located in a valley not far from here. It has special ingredients added that render it a potent aphrodisiac.
SHEPPARD:
I don't care how potent it is--there's no way they can get me drunk enough to go through with this.
EMMAGAN:
The aphrodisiac is not meant for you. As the honoured partner of the T. rex, you are expected to be overcome with arousal at the mere sight of his magnificence.
SHEPPARD:
Yeah, speaking of that...does a T. rex even have a...you know?
FORD:
Actually, we don't know, sir. That's not the kind of soft tisuue that gets preserved in fossil form. Back on Earth, the thinking is that there may have been sort of an all-purpose cavity hidden under the tail, that might have bulged out a little during--
[SHEPPARD glares at him.]
FORD:
--the, uh, ritual activity...but this is a Pegasus Galaxy T. rex. Who knows what he might be packing?
SHEPPARD:
Thank you, Lieutenant, that's very reassuring. Teyla?
EMMAGAN:
Do not worry, Major. You will not have to go through with the ritual.
SHEPPARD:
And we're managing this how?
EMMAGAN:
I still have friends among the villagers here, and--saddened though they will be to lose Dr. McKay--they agree that it would be wrong to keep him here in dinosaur form against his will. They have offered to help us.
FORD:
How?
EMMAGAN:
As I said, the holy ale for the ritual is intended for Dr. McKay: Plodocus is even now placing it into a very large hypodermic needle that he will hand to Major Sheppard on a golden platter at the start of the ritual. Major, you will be expected to inject the aphrodisiac directly into Dr. McKay's bloodstream.
SHEPPARD:
Still not following how all this gets us out of the ritual...
EMMAGAN:
It is very simple. If you recall, the people of this planet effect the transformation from dinosaur to human and back again by means of the pollen of a very rare and precious native flower. It takes over a thousand flowers to make enough pollen to effect the transformation. My friends in the village have managed to obtain a single pellet for us: they have dissolved it in beer that looks exactly like the aphrodisiacal holy ale, and placed it in a hypo that appears identical to the official needle. They are even now making the switch, so that the concoction you will be handed during the ceremony will not fill Doctor McKay with uncontrollable arousal, but will rather change him back to his human form.
SHEPPARD:
The old switch-the-needles manoeuvre, huh? I like it.
[Enter VILLAGE MAIDEN.]
MAIDEN:
Everything is ready--with one small complication. When Ecto went to switch the needles, he feared to defile the holy one with the touch of his unworthy hand, so he simply laid the substitute hypo beside it.
FORD:
Won't this beadle guy notice a second syringe?
MAIDEN:
No, he's very near-sighted.
SHEPPARD:
How do I tell them apart? Teyla said they looked exactly alike.
MAIDEN:
There is a small label on the substitute hypo. It should say "pollen" but I'm afraid we were in a hurry.
EMMAGAN:
What does it actually say?
MAIDEN:
"Poolen."
FORD:
So the hypo has a typo?
MAIDEN:
Yes, the hypo with the typo holds the pellet with the pollen. The needle from the beadle has the ale from the vale.
SHEPPARD:
The hippo with the tipple?
MAIDEN:
No, the hypo with the typo.
FORD:
The noodle from the poodle?
MAIDEN:
No, the needle from the beadle. The needle from the beadle holds the ale from the vale; the hypo with the typo has the pellet with the pollen!
EMMAGAN:
It's so simple, Major--I can say it!
SHEPPARD:
Then you inject him!
EMMAGAN:
Just listen. Avoid the ale from the holy vale, which will be in one of the needles handed to you by the beadle. You want the pellet with the pollen, which you'll find in the hypo labelled with a typo.
SHEPPARD:
So...the hypo with the typo holds the pellet with the pollen, and the needle from the beadle holds the ale from the vale?
MAIDEN and EMMAGAN:
Yes!
FORD:
By George, I think you've got it, sir!
[A loud gong sounds offstage. Drums beat.]
MAIDEN:
The ritual!
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene Three
[The village square. An altar has been erected centrestage: McKAY stands there, under ceremonial guard, bedecked with flowers. Stripped to the waist, a VILLAGER slowly bangs a large gong, DRUMMERS beat their drums, and flower-bedecked VILLAGERS hold torches and chant. It is, in fact, very King Kong. Enter from stage right PLODOCUS bearing a golden tray. Enter from stage left SHEPPARD, EMMAGAN, and FORD.]
SHEPPARD: (muttering)
The harpo with the zeppo has the puppet with the pimple...no, the hypo with the marple has the peanut from the pinto...
[Enter MAIDEN. She draws SHEPPARD aside.]
SHEPPARD:
I've got it! The hypo with the typo has the pellet with the pollen; the needle from the beadle holds the ale from the vale.
MAIDEN:
Very good! But there's been another complication.
SHEPPARD:
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
MAIDEN:
The hypo with the typo cracked. But we were able to save the sample--
SHEPPARD:
You were?
MAIDEN:
--and we've placed it in an ampoule, ready for injecting.
SHEPPARD:
The sample's in an ampoule?
MAIDEN:
Yes, on the tray beside the needle from the beadle.
SHEPPARD:
The sample in the ampoule holds the pellet with the pollen?
MAIDEN:
Yes! Just remember that.
PLODOCUS:
[Holds out golden platter with needles.]
Oh, honoured youth, about to be
Made one with utter majesty
Receive this ale, with love agleam
And plunge it into his bloodstream!
SHEPPARD:
Nice. You should work for Hallmark. [Takes both needles.]
PLODOCUS:
Ascend the steps to your destiny!
SHEPPARD:
You're all planning on watching this? You sure you don't want to send the kids home?
PLODOCUS:
Ascend!
[HENCHMEN close in on Sheppard.]
SHEPPARD:
All right, all right. [Ascends steps, looking from one needle to the other.] The polo with the pillow's in the apple with the crumble...the needle with the tweedle...the stipple with the tipple...oh, the hell with it. [Injects McKAY with both needles.]
~~~~~
Act Two, Scene Four
[The Gate Room in Atlantis, GRODIN and TECHNICIAN at the controls. Enter through Stargate SHEPPARD and McKAY (in human form), both very dishevelled, followed by EMMAGAN and FORD, picking flowers out of their hair. Enter WEIR.]
WEIR:
Dr. McKay, I'm glad to see you looking a little more human. But what happened to the two of you?
[McKAY, EMMAGAN, and FORD all open their mouths to speak, but Sheppard cuts them off.]
SHEPPARD:
Look, in order to get McKay back, we had to have sex in front of a crowd of villagers--it was no big deal, okay?
WEIR:
"We?"
McKAY:
Just the Major and me. And actually, according to Teyla--
SHEPPARD:
McKay, just let me do the talking, okay?
Gee, Major and Doctor
(To the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story)
SHEPPARD:
Believe me, Dr. Weir,
It's not that we are gay.
It's just the local beer
That made us act that way.
Since then, we've both been belching
And talking about sports.
Does it have to go in our reports?
WEIR:
Now, Major and Doctor, you're clearly upset:
Perhaps you're just not ready for a debriefing yet.
I see Rodney's shaking, and John can't quite walk--
It looks to me like you're in shock.
McKAY:
We're in shock?
SHEPPARD:
We're in shock, we're in shock,
You're as white as chalk
And our weak-kneed state is just from shock!
WEIR: (spoken)
So you know what to do about that, don't you?
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Huddle together under a blanket and hold each other until the trembling stops?
WEIR: (spoken)
Or you could go see Dr. Beckett.
SHEPPARD and McKAY: (spoken)
Dr. Beckett!
[Scene changes to Medical Bay, BECKETT examining SHEPPARD and McKAY.]
SHEPPARD:
Believe me, Dr. Beckett,
It's really not habitual
For us to both get nekkid
In some offworld sex ritual.
McKay, see, he was whammied
And me--well, I got whammed.
If it means a thing, though, I'll be damned.
BECKETT:
Hmm, Major and Doctor, you both seem confused,
Your skins are rubbed quite raw and you're alarmingly bruised.
Still, I shouldn't keep you; you'd better get dressed.
You're post-traumatically stressed.
McKAY:
We are stressed?
SHEPPARD:
We are stressed, we are stressed,
That's it, Doc, you've guessed
That we're post-traumatically stressed.
BECKETT: (spoken)
So, you know what you both need to do now, don't you?
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Talk about our feelings until we overcome our lifelong emotional barriers?
BECKETT: (spoken)
I was thinking you could visit Dr. Heightmeyer.
SHEPPARD and McKAY: (spoken)
Dr. Heightmeyer!
[Scene changes to Dr. Heightmeyer's Office, HEIGHTMEYER seated, SHEPPARD and McKAY on couches.]
SHEPPARD:
I tossed a coin to get here;
I've got no family.
McKAY:
I'm scared that Carter's better
And someday they'll all see.
SHEPPARD:
I'm guarded and laconic.
McKAY:
I'm hyper and verbose.
SHEPPARD and McKAY:
Surely it's quite natural we're close?
HEIGHTMEYER:
Yes, Major and Doctor, two comrades in arms
Can bond without succumbing to their physical charms.
Though aliens can make you have sex, this I'll say--
No, aliens can't make you gay.
McKAY:
We're not gay?
SHEPPARD:
We're not gay, we're not gay.
Like I've tried to say,
Friends can have great sex and not be gay!
HEIGHTMEYER: (spoken)
Hmm...under the circumstances, there's really only one course of action I can recommend.
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Obsess over the mind-blowingness of the experience until we're forced to confront subconscious prejudices and fully embrace and explore our sexualities?
HEIGHTMEYER: (spoken)
Or you could not ask, not tell.
SHEPPARD: (spoken)
Don't ask, don't tell!
McKAY:
Mind-blowingness?
[Scene changes to Conference Room, McKAY watching SHEPPARD speak into a videocamera operated by FORD.]
SHEPPARD:
Dear General O'Neill,
Of Earth, Stargate Command,
I'm happy to reveal
This mission went as planned:
McKay is back to normal;
The locals aren't too glad;
And that's all--I have no more to add.
McKAY:
There's just one thing, Major, I'd ask you explain.
We both know that you have a Mensa-certified brain.
Why couldn't you tell those two needles apart?
SHEPPARD:
Would you believe I'm not that smart?
McKAY:
Not that smart?
You're that smart, you're that smart--
SHEPPARD:
Maybe in my heart
There's a chance I'm really not that smart.
McKAY:
The trouble is you're flirty.
SHEPPARD:
The trouble is you stare.
McKAY:
The trouble is you hurt me.
SHEPPARD:
The trouble is you care.
McKAY:
The trouble is we're loners.
SHEPPARD:
The trouble's we're alone.
SHEPPARD and McKAY:
What the trouble is we've always known. [They fall into each other's arms.]
FORD:
Ahem! Major and Doctor, can't you hear me cough?
See, Don't Ask, Don't Tell works best when the camera's turned off.
Uh, Major and Doctor--
You want me to go?
Gee, Major and Doctor!
Guess so!
[Exit FORD. Curtain falls on SHEPPARD and McKAY, still embracing.]
The End
~~~~~
Author's Notes:
"The hypo with the typo" is, of course, an affectionate homage to the classic "vessel with the pestle" sequence in The Court Jester.
For the concept of a Rodneysaur, I am indebted to spaggel and maryavatar (see Twenty-Four Hours with a Rodneysaur). Their version is much, much cuter than this one.
[ETA: Slightly edited to clean up some formatting.]
~~~~~