Contingency Plans by kitsune_tsuki; Earthside Challenge
Title: Contingency Plans
Author: kitsune_tsuki
Rating: PG
Spoilers: General through season two (SGA)
Summary: "McKay, you didn't. Tell me you didn't." Sheppard says, dropping into the chair across from Rodney. "Please tell me you didn't."
Notes: Sequel to One Over the Eight and Aftermath, crossover with SG-1. (Okay, seriously. No more after this. ò_ó)
"McKay, you didn't. Tell me you didn't." Sheppard says, dropping into the chair across from Rodney. "Please tell me you didn't."
Looking up from his long-awaited coffee, Rodney looks at Sheppard as though the man has finally snapped. Which, considering the not inconsiderable pressures he's under a great deal of the time, was not entirely unexpected.
"Okay then." He says slowly and clearly out of concern for the man's current state of complete and total crazy. "I didn't."
Sheppard's eyes narrow and he reaches for Rodney's coffee, which gets him a growl and warning look. Something he had earned by saving Rodney's life on more than one occasion and not being a complete moron.
Anyone else might have lost a limb.
"Assuming I had the faintest idea as to just what it is you're babbling about or that I would actually care, never try that again if you value your life." Rodney informs him, cradling his precious, precious coffee close. "It's been a long morning and this is the first caffeine I've had."
Sheppard gives him a disbelieving look. "You lie."
"What?"
Rolling his eyes Sheppard leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. "That little coffee place this morning? You badgering the poor girl behind the counter about what they put in the coffee? Any of this ringing a bell?"
Rodney sips his coffee, eyeing Sheppard pityingly. "Obviously, since we were both there. Just as obvious, however, is the fact that you're completely missing the point."
"Which is?" Sheppard asks, looking amused.
Rodney sighs. "There will never be enough coffee to make putting up with the morons I have to deal with worthwhile. Except for Colonel Carter and possibly Radek when he's having a spectacularly good day, they're all a bunch of monkeys." Rodney frowns, shooting Sheppard a glare. "And that wasn't an opening for your pathetic attempt at humor, either. No amount of typewriters or word processors would ever result in them producing classic literature, let alone something that might possibly obey the laws of physics."
"Speaking of whom." Sheppard says, gaze flicking to the side. "Colonel Carter had an interesting bit of advice for me earlier."
Rodney sets his coffee on the table and makes a 'yes, get on with it' gesture with his hand, making Sheppard smile in a way that has Rodney feeling slightly...ill at ease, because he knows what Samantha Carter is capable of when she sets her mind to something.
"Just how many beers did you have last night before I showed up anyway, Rodney?" Sheppard asks, eyes narrowing. "Carter seemed to know an awful lot about P4X-397."
Rodney frowns, trying to remember just which planet -
"P4X - ?" Eyes widening, he gestures at his eyes. "Oh. The one with the - "
Sheppard smiles tightly, more teeth than Rodney's comfortable with seeing visible as he leans in towards him. "Yes. The where you almost sold me to the governor's daughter for their tasty 'not quite as good as the real thing, but we'll take it anyway' version of an apple. Which, you know, kind of ironic as - "
"Colonel Sheppard, McKay." Sam says by way of greeting as she sets her tray down next on the table, taking the chair next to Sheppard. "I see you finally got your coffee, McKay."
Rodney nods slowly, warily. If he told her about the Planet of Inappropriate Trade Boundaries in his drunken state there's no telling what else he'd revealed, and he can still feel Sheppard trying to bore a hole through his skull with his glare alone. "Colonel Carter."
Sam grins, tucking into her lunch as though she has no awareness of the tension surrounding Sheppard and him, and Rodney knows, knows, she's somehow orchestrated this. All of this.
It's awe inspiring, in a way. Evidence of a truly brilliant mind bent to the ways of darkness and utter chaos, and -
"Oh my god, what?" Rodney snaps, turning to see Sheppard staring at him and looking like a pouty toddler. "Is there something you need, or are you just trying to drive me as insane as you evidently are?"
Sam coughs and sips her water, pointedly not looking at either one of them.
"Later, McKay." Sheppard promises with another scarily toothy smile, glancing at Sam as she continues coughing. "When there aren't any witnesses to point out where I hid the body."
Rodney stares at him.
Still smiling, Sheppard stands up and turns to Sam and offers her a less vicious looking smile. "Thanks for the advice, Colonel Carter, I'll be sure to keep it in mind." He says, eyes cutting towards McKay. "Unfortunately I have some business of my own to attend to, so I'll see you later."
Sam looks up to smile at him as he walks away, and Rodney is left staring after him with an unpleasant feeling very much like dread.
"Wow. So what was that all about, huh?" Sam asks, acting as though she has absolutely no idea of just what sort of hell she's managed to unleash.
Rodney's eyes narrow. "I have no idea."
====
====
"She's doing it on purpose." Rodney tells Sheppard later on the ride back to his apartment. "You do realize that, don't you?"
Sheppard's been giving him not only the cold shoulder treatment but the 'shut up now or I will be forced to shoot you, many, many times' treatment as well. It's just too bad that Rodney's never been particularly intimidated by Sheppard, even when the man's in one of his moods.
"The woman's brilliant, and now that I've witnessed this side of her myself, truly a force to be reckoned with." Rodney makes a face when Sheppard continues to ignore him. "Granted, it's undoubtedly a force of true, unmitigated evil, but the point remains. We can't underestimate her or what she's capable of."
Sheppard slides a look at him and Rodney shifts uncomfortably in the passenger seat. "What? Is it horribly, horribly wrong to be impressed?"
Sheppard sighs and pulls into a parking spot. "No, Rodney. I hope the two of you will be very happy plotting world domination or whatever it is the two of you plan on doing."
Snorting, Rodney undoes his seatbelt and reaches into the backseat for his laptop bag. "Oh, please."
Sheppard's eyebrow goes up at that.
"You're thinking too small." Rodney tells him with great patience and care. "Now that we've got the 'gate world domination is so...passé."
"My mistake," Sheppard says, opening his door. "So are we talking galactic or intergalactic domination here?"
Rodney gets out on his side and peers at Sheppard over the top of the car. "We hadn't actually gotten that far yet. The details keep tripping us up, plus we have to make allowances for Radek."
"Radek?"
Snapping his fingers at Sheppard for the keys, Rodney starts down the walkway to his apartment. "Yes, Radek. He's the only real threat to our plans, but he said he'd be satisfied with a small galaxy of his own to call home." Rodney looks up in time to catch the keys Sheppard throws at him. "A small price to pay really, when you stop to think about it."
Smiling faintly, Sheppard leans against the building while Rodney fumbles with the keys, looking for the one to is front door. "So exactly where do I figure in your plans of becoming an evil overlord?"
Frowning as he flips through the key ring Rodney glances at Sheppard. "You'll be needed to keep the minions in line, as no matter what I do I will no doubt be plagued by incompetent monkeys."
"I'm...flattered. Really." Sheppard says, taking the keys back from Rodney when he starts going through the set for a second time. "I've always wanted to be a zookeeper."
Stepping back to allow Sheppard to sort out the mess of keys and locks and doorknobs, Rodney sighs. "Please. You'd be wasted on that. I meant you would obviously be my second in command." He pauses as another thought occurs to him, mouth tugging upwards in a smirk. "Or you could be my con- "
"Don't even, Rodney." Sheppard growls, eyes narrowing as he finally gets the door open.
Laughing, Rodney pushes past Sheppard and turns around to see him standing in the doorway, glaring at him. "You haven't even heard about the great job benefits."
"Seriously, Rodney." Sheppard warns, following him inside. "Don't even."
"Okay, fine. We can negotiate the particulars later." Rodney says, setting his laptop bag down by the couch. "We still need to come up with a plan concerning Colonel Carter. She's going to escalate matters until we surrender or crack completely, and she's been at this longer than either of us."
Sheppard frowns and moves over to the couch, dropping into it with a weary sigh. "We could always try to get one of her teammates, or someone at the SGC who has something on her drunk?"
"Are you serious?" Rodney asks, staring at Sheppard in disbelief. "We're, figuratively speaking, in her backyard here, Sheppard. Even if we could manage to lure a member of SG-1 out to 'get them drunk', it would never work. Teal'c is capable of snapping either one of us like a twig without breaking a sweat. Jackson could conceivably bore us to death with some...I don't know, obscure teeth-cleaning ritual of a culture no one has ever heard of or even cares about. Or he could interrogate us about Atlantis and the people of Pegasus until we're begging for death. As for Colonel Mitchell, the man is disturbingly...upbeat. I suspect either narcotics are involved or there's some deeper mental disorder at work that has yet to be discovered."
Sheppard just stares at him.
"Plus," Rodney adds, joining Sheppard on the couch. "The entire SGC is unfailingly loyal to Carter and the rest of SG-1. There's no way any of them would ever divulge the sort of information we'd need to put us on a level playing field with her."
"Okay." Sheppard says, smiling faintly. "So you want to hear my real plan?"
Rodney turns his head to look at Sheppard warily. "Does it involve juvenile behavior on a scale previously unknown to man nor beast?"
"No, Rodney." Sheppard says, smile widening. "It's really very, very simple, and in no way illegal. Technically."
"What is that - "
Sheppard grins and moves, putting his military training to good use as he pins Rodney under him, settling himself comfortably before looking up at him, chin resting on his chest. "See, the way I see it, and you can feel free to argue if you want," Sheppard says, grinning like a loon. "If we can manage to stay under her radar for the rest of our stay here on Earth we should be fine."
"Have you gained weight?" Rodney demands, squirming to free his arms as Sheppard's grin just gets bigger. "Really. You're crushing me, and your bony elbows are digging into my ribs."
"Deal with it, Rodney."
He stops squirming and meets Sheppard's eyes. "So this 'plan' of yours."
"Yes?"
"What exactly does it entail? 'Staying under her radar' is incredibly vague and exceedingly unhelpful."
Sheppard cocks his head to the side and watches Rodney intently. "We keep our heads down, don't initiate hostilities, and generally do our best to get home in more or less one piece."
"So you're basically treating this as a mission?" Rodney asks, giving Sheppard the special look he saves for the truly insane.
"It's worked for me so far." Sheppard says, shrugging.
"Except for the part where you angered the locals." Rodney points out. "Which actually...hmmm...okay, I see your point. This is exactly like a typical mission for us, minus the near-death experience."
Smiling, Sheppard moves his arm, taking care to grind his bony, pointy elbow further into Rodney's ribcage. "Focus, Rodney. All we need to do is keep Carter happy for a few more days. Then we get to go home on the Daedalus and everyone's happy, or in your case, slightly less grumpy."
Heaving a put-upon sigh, Rodney gives a tiny little nod. "All right, fine. We'll go with your insane little plan, happy? Even though you're the one that managed to annoy her with your so-called 'joke'."
"Oh, I am very, very happy, Rodney." Sheppard tells him, laying his head down on Rodney's chest and completely ignoring Rodney's grumbling. "Now that we have our plan of attack figured out, go to sleep. I have to get you back to the mountain early tomorrow morning."
"Are you serious?" Rodney demands, glaring at the top of his head. "I can't sleep like this!"
"'Night, Rodney." Sheppard mumbles, and Rodney knows, knows the man is laughing at him.
"Sheppard!" Rodney wriggles, trying to free himself, but Sheppard's arms tighten around him, holding him in place, and he goes still, a terrible, terrible suspicion taking root in his mind.
"Sheppard?"
The only answer is Sheppard's faint snoring.
Author: kitsune_tsuki
Rating: PG
Spoilers: General through season two (SGA)
Summary: "McKay, you didn't. Tell me you didn't." Sheppard says, dropping into the chair across from Rodney. "Please tell me you didn't."
Notes: Sequel to One Over the Eight and Aftermath, crossover with SG-1. (Okay, seriously. No more after this. ò_ó)
"McKay, you didn't. Tell me you didn't." Sheppard says, dropping into the chair across from Rodney. "Please tell me you didn't."
Looking up from his long-awaited coffee, Rodney looks at Sheppard as though the man has finally snapped. Which, considering the not inconsiderable pressures he's under a great deal of the time, was not entirely unexpected.
"Okay then." He says slowly and clearly out of concern for the man's current state of complete and total crazy. "I didn't."
Sheppard's eyes narrow and he reaches for Rodney's coffee, which gets him a growl and warning look. Something he had earned by saving Rodney's life on more than one occasion and not being a complete moron.
Anyone else might have lost a limb.
"Assuming I had the faintest idea as to just what it is you're babbling about or that I would actually care, never try that again if you value your life." Rodney informs him, cradling his precious, precious coffee close. "It's been a long morning and this is the first caffeine I've had."
Sheppard gives him a disbelieving look. "You lie."
"What?"
Rolling his eyes Sheppard leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. "That little coffee place this morning? You badgering the poor girl behind the counter about what they put in the coffee? Any of this ringing a bell?"
Rodney sips his coffee, eyeing Sheppard pityingly. "Obviously, since we were both there. Just as obvious, however, is the fact that you're completely missing the point."
"Which is?" Sheppard asks, looking amused.
Rodney sighs. "There will never be enough coffee to make putting up with the morons I have to deal with worthwhile. Except for Colonel Carter and possibly Radek when he's having a spectacularly good day, they're all a bunch of monkeys." Rodney frowns, shooting Sheppard a glare. "And that wasn't an opening for your pathetic attempt at humor, either. No amount of typewriters or word processors would ever result in them producing classic literature, let alone something that might possibly obey the laws of physics."
"Speaking of whom." Sheppard says, gaze flicking to the side. "Colonel Carter had an interesting bit of advice for me earlier."
Rodney sets his coffee on the table and makes a 'yes, get on with it' gesture with his hand, making Sheppard smile in a way that has Rodney feeling slightly...ill at ease, because he knows what Samantha Carter is capable of when she sets her mind to something.
"Just how many beers did you have last night before I showed up anyway, Rodney?" Sheppard asks, eyes narrowing. "Carter seemed to know an awful lot about P4X-397."
Rodney frowns, trying to remember just which planet -
"P4X - ?" Eyes widening, he gestures at his eyes. "Oh. The one with the - "
Sheppard smiles tightly, more teeth than Rodney's comfortable with seeing visible as he leans in towards him. "Yes. The where you almost sold me to the governor's daughter for their tasty 'not quite as good as the real thing, but we'll take it anyway' version of an apple. Which, you know, kind of ironic as - "
"Colonel Sheppard, McKay." Sam says by way of greeting as she sets her tray down next on the table, taking the chair next to Sheppard. "I see you finally got your coffee, McKay."
Rodney nods slowly, warily. If he told her about the Planet of Inappropriate Trade Boundaries in his drunken state there's no telling what else he'd revealed, and he can still feel Sheppard trying to bore a hole through his skull with his glare alone. "Colonel Carter."
Sam grins, tucking into her lunch as though she has no awareness of the tension surrounding Sheppard and him, and Rodney knows, knows, she's somehow orchestrated this. All of this.
It's awe inspiring, in a way. Evidence of a truly brilliant mind bent to the ways of darkness and utter chaos, and -
"Oh my god, what?" Rodney snaps, turning to see Sheppard staring at him and looking like a pouty toddler. "Is there something you need, or are you just trying to drive me as insane as you evidently are?"
Sam coughs and sips her water, pointedly not looking at either one of them.
"Later, McKay." Sheppard promises with another scarily toothy smile, glancing at Sam as she continues coughing. "When there aren't any witnesses to point out where I hid the body."
Rodney stares at him.
Still smiling, Sheppard stands up and turns to Sam and offers her a less vicious looking smile. "Thanks for the advice, Colonel Carter, I'll be sure to keep it in mind." He says, eyes cutting towards McKay. "Unfortunately I have some business of my own to attend to, so I'll see you later."
Sam looks up to smile at him as he walks away, and Rodney is left staring after him with an unpleasant feeling very much like dread.
"Wow. So what was that all about, huh?" Sam asks, acting as though she has absolutely no idea of just what sort of hell she's managed to unleash.
Rodney's eyes narrow. "I have no idea."
====
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"She's doing it on purpose." Rodney tells Sheppard later on the ride back to his apartment. "You do realize that, don't you?"
Sheppard's been giving him not only the cold shoulder treatment but the 'shut up now or I will be forced to shoot you, many, many times' treatment as well. It's just too bad that Rodney's never been particularly intimidated by Sheppard, even when the man's in one of his moods.
"The woman's brilliant, and now that I've witnessed this side of her myself, truly a force to be reckoned with." Rodney makes a face when Sheppard continues to ignore him. "Granted, it's undoubtedly a force of true, unmitigated evil, but the point remains. We can't underestimate her or what she's capable of."
Sheppard slides a look at him and Rodney shifts uncomfortably in the passenger seat. "What? Is it horribly, horribly wrong to be impressed?"
Sheppard sighs and pulls into a parking spot. "No, Rodney. I hope the two of you will be very happy plotting world domination or whatever it is the two of you plan on doing."
Snorting, Rodney undoes his seatbelt and reaches into the backseat for his laptop bag. "Oh, please."
Sheppard's eyebrow goes up at that.
"You're thinking too small." Rodney tells him with great patience and care. "Now that we've got the 'gate world domination is so...passé."
"My mistake," Sheppard says, opening his door. "So are we talking galactic or intergalactic domination here?"
Rodney gets out on his side and peers at Sheppard over the top of the car. "We hadn't actually gotten that far yet. The details keep tripping us up, plus we have to make allowances for Radek."
"Radek?"
Snapping his fingers at Sheppard for the keys, Rodney starts down the walkway to his apartment. "Yes, Radek. He's the only real threat to our plans, but he said he'd be satisfied with a small galaxy of his own to call home." Rodney looks up in time to catch the keys Sheppard throws at him. "A small price to pay really, when you stop to think about it."
Smiling faintly, Sheppard leans against the building while Rodney fumbles with the keys, looking for the one to is front door. "So exactly where do I figure in your plans of becoming an evil overlord?"
Frowning as he flips through the key ring Rodney glances at Sheppard. "You'll be needed to keep the minions in line, as no matter what I do I will no doubt be plagued by incompetent monkeys."
"I'm...flattered. Really." Sheppard says, taking the keys back from Rodney when he starts going through the set for a second time. "I've always wanted to be a zookeeper."
Stepping back to allow Sheppard to sort out the mess of keys and locks and doorknobs, Rodney sighs. "Please. You'd be wasted on that. I meant you would obviously be my second in command." He pauses as another thought occurs to him, mouth tugging upwards in a smirk. "Or you could be my con- "
"Don't even, Rodney." Sheppard growls, eyes narrowing as he finally gets the door open.
Laughing, Rodney pushes past Sheppard and turns around to see him standing in the doorway, glaring at him. "You haven't even heard about the great job benefits."
"Seriously, Rodney." Sheppard warns, following him inside. "Don't even."
"Okay, fine. We can negotiate the particulars later." Rodney says, setting his laptop bag down by the couch. "We still need to come up with a plan concerning Colonel Carter. She's going to escalate matters until we surrender or crack completely, and she's been at this longer than either of us."
Sheppard frowns and moves over to the couch, dropping into it with a weary sigh. "We could always try to get one of her teammates, or someone at the SGC who has something on her drunk?"
"Are you serious?" Rodney asks, staring at Sheppard in disbelief. "We're, figuratively speaking, in her backyard here, Sheppard. Even if we could manage to lure a member of SG-1 out to 'get them drunk', it would never work. Teal'c is capable of snapping either one of us like a twig without breaking a sweat. Jackson could conceivably bore us to death with some...I don't know, obscure teeth-cleaning ritual of a culture no one has ever heard of or even cares about. Or he could interrogate us about Atlantis and the people of Pegasus until we're begging for death. As for Colonel Mitchell, the man is disturbingly...upbeat. I suspect either narcotics are involved or there's some deeper mental disorder at work that has yet to be discovered."
Sheppard just stares at him.
"Plus," Rodney adds, joining Sheppard on the couch. "The entire SGC is unfailingly loyal to Carter and the rest of SG-1. There's no way any of them would ever divulge the sort of information we'd need to put us on a level playing field with her."
"Okay." Sheppard says, smiling faintly. "So you want to hear my real plan?"
Rodney turns his head to look at Sheppard warily. "Does it involve juvenile behavior on a scale previously unknown to man nor beast?"
"No, Rodney." Sheppard says, smile widening. "It's really very, very simple, and in no way illegal. Technically."
"What is that - "
Sheppard grins and moves, putting his military training to good use as he pins Rodney under him, settling himself comfortably before looking up at him, chin resting on his chest. "See, the way I see it, and you can feel free to argue if you want," Sheppard says, grinning like a loon. "If we can manage to stay under her radar for the rest of our stay here on Earth we should be fine."
"Have you gained weight?" Rodney demands, squirming to free his arms as Sheppard's grin just gets bigger. "Really. You're crushing me, and your bony elbows are digging into my ribs."
"Deal with it, Rodney."
He stops squirming and meets Sheppard's eyes. "So this 'plan' of yours."
"Yes?"
"What exactly does it entail? 'Staying under her radar' is incredibly vague and exceedingly unhelpful."
Sheppard cocks his head to the side and watches Rodney intently. "We keep our heads down, don't initiate hostilities, and generally do our best to get home in more or less one piece."
"So you're basically treating this as a mission?" Rodney asks, giving Sheppard the special look he saves for the truly insane.
"It's worked for me so far." Sheppard says, shrugging.
"Except for the part where you angered the locals." Rodney points out. "Which actually...hmmm...okay, I see your point. This is exactly like a typical mission for us, minus the near-death experience."
Smiling, Sheppard moves his arm, taking care to grind his bony, pointy elbow further into Rodney's ribcage. "Focus, Rodney. All we need to do is keep Carter happy for a few more days. Then we get to go home on the Daedalus and everyone's happy, or in your case, slightly less grumpy."
Heaving a put-upon sigh, Rodney gives a tiny little nod. "All right, fine. We'll go with your insane little plan, happy? Even though you're the one that managed to annoy her with your so-called 'joke'."
"Oh, I am very, very happy, Rodney." Sheppard tells him, laying his head down on Rodney's chest and completely ignoring Rodney's grumbling. "Now that we have our plan of attack figured out, go to sleep. I have to get you back to the mountain early tomorrow morning."
"Are you serious?" Rodney demands, glaring at the top of his head. "I can't sleep like this!"
"'Night, Rodney." Sheppard mumbles, and Rodney knows, knows the man is laughing at him.
"Sheppard!" Rodney wriggles, trying to free himself, but Sheppard's arms tighten around him, holding him in place, and he goes still, a terrible, terrible suspicion taking root in his mind.
"Sheppard?"
The only answer is Sheppard's faint snoring.