Cliché, by kuonji (PG-13) [Virgin challenge]
Title: Cliché
Author: kuonji
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairings: Sheppard/McKay
Rating: PG-13 for topic
Warnings: Plethora of italics and lack of plot
Challenge: Virgin challenge
Spoilers: none
Summary: In which Rodney is not a virgin and John is not amused.
Um, I don't think the challenge has closed yet...?
Cliché
by kuonji
--I am not a virgin!--
"I am not a virgin," McKay declared. For the third time.
The natives looked sympathetic, and Sheppard was giving him that Look.
"I've slept with at least six--," the Look graduated to an eyeroll and McKay ill-temperedly amended, "okay, three women, so obviously--"
The head scientist -- ha! as if -- stepped forward and actually interrupted him, saying, "The device is never wrong. Perhaps... Have you ever lain with a man, Dr. McKay?"
McKay's eyes bulged. The only people who ever said that to him were A) insulting him or B) doctors of the medical persuasion.
"No, I haven't." Sheppard was giving him that other Look now, more considering than disbelieving. McKay wanted to turn on him and snap, "What?" but he was distracted by the excited babbling that broke out among the natives.
He caught phrases like never seen one so old before and praise be, we are blessed and is the device broken?
"Okay, okay, all of you shut up," he said, holding up both hands. And maybe they were scientists, after all, because they did shut up, all turning to look expectantly at him. "Someone explain to me what's going on here."
So they did.
***
--Oh my god!--
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my..."
"Will you give it a rest, McKay?"
McKay rounded on his cellmate, relieved at the excuse to rip into someone. "You can talk. You're not the one about to be assaulted in public." Saying the words made his thought processes break down again, leading to more hyperventilating -slash- moaning -slash- attempted strategizing out loud.
"Look, I'm sure if we just explain politely, they'll understand our situation. Anyway, Teyla and Ronon are--"
"--are aliens. They probably think this is perfectly normal!" McKay paced the room some more, working off his nervous energy in the claustrophobic three by five meter closet he'd been locked in 'for meditation and cleansing'. Sheppard, seated (weaponless) on the bench against the wall as his sole permitted companion, was not helping in the least, looking tense and ready to snap.
"Like I said," Sheppard continued in his worried-but-trying-to-calm-down-the-crazy-scientist voice, "Teyla and Ronon are heading back for help right now. We just drag it out a little, and we'll have backup before anything has to happen."
"'Before anything has to happen'," he mimicked. "You say that like it's some tea party, not me being dragged out there and, and, deflowered by some hulking alien man-beast." He shuddered and wiped his sweaty hands along his pantsleg, trying to still his imagination.
Wait a minute.
Sheppard.
Sheppard was a man!
His brilliant genius mind flashed on the only solution. "I've got it!" He pointed at Sheppard. "You have to sleep with me. Right now."
Sheppard's eyes sort of boggled, an interesting look for him. "Wha?"
"Look, you sleep with me, I'm not a virgin anymore, no more reason for the ritual thing."
"Uh..." McKay studied him, noting the weirdly hesitant expression.
"Oh, you can't seriously be saying no? You'd sleep with anything." Which was true. McKay was a fine specimen of a man, and Sheppard was totally a slut. He shouldn't complain. "C'mon," he said, snapping his fingers when Sheppard frowned and crossed his arms, looking actually like he was going to protest. Did the man think he was being coy?
But then the door creaked open. The Head Scribe himself held out his right hand in the local gesture of polite greeting and said, "We are ready."
And McKay whimpered. It was too late.
***
--Wait a minute.--
"Wait a minute. Repeat that last part again?"
McKay was naked, having been divested of his uniform and covered in sweet earthy-smelling oils that made him sneeze. The Head Scribe was talking him through the ritual.
"I said, if you find the offering worthy and choose to accept him, then--"
"What if he says no?" Sheppard asked from the corner, where he was being fitted in the glittery raiments of the Virgin's Best Man, or whatever he was called.
The Head Scribe looked confused. "Well, in that case, we have the feast of honor and we invite you to choose again next cycle." His official looking brow furrowed in the way diplomats of all galaxies and all cultures do. "I do hope you'll choose our village, however. I'm sure you'll find our offering to be of the very best stock and training..."
McKay wasn't paying attention anymore. He was staring open-mouthed at Sheppard, who looked as relieved as he felt. He could say no. He could say no, and they would have a nice feast, and then they could all go home happy, with his ahem 'virginity' intact.
Sheppard had his hand to his radio. "Ronon, you can call off the cavalry."
***
--That's the offering?--
"That's the offering?"
McKay pointed at the other end of the altar/pedestal/platform thing in squeaky disbelief.
The priest stumbled over his lines at the interruption, but picked up again with only a disapproving look in his direction.
McKay ignored him and continued to stare at the large, very large, toned, tanned, and gorgeous man walking toward him.
"Do you, Virgin Rodney McKay, accept our offering for your First Manly Rite?"
The 'offering' knelt at McKay's feet and placed his perfectly sculpted fingers light and reverant on McKay's hips. His smile was gentle and his ocean-colored eyes, framed by long lashes, were radiant with awe.
McKay swallowed.
"Okay."
***
--What the hell was that?--
"What the hell was that?"
"Excuse me?" McKay whirled on his uninvited guest, one hand going to his laptop to keep it from rocketing out of his arms at the motion. "Is there any reason you're invading my personal living space now, Colonel?"
He didn't appreciate the intrusion. Apparently, sex did wonderful stimulating things to his brain. He was ready to get to work at the labs with an enthusiasm he hadn't felt in months.
"Why did you say yes?" Sheppard asked, nay, demanded.
Sex also made McKay more forgiving than usual, because instead of biting Sheppard's head off, he only rolled his eyes. "Did you look at the man? He was godly! Those abs, and those thighs... That thing he did with his tongue..." He trailed off, lost in memory. "I think I came three times. Did I come three times? It got a little hazy after the thing with the fingers and my--"
Sheppard scowled. "I thought you were the one freaking out about it."
"Obviously, that was before I knew Virgin Rites equalled Best Sex I Ever Had." His endorphin-induced patience was running out. "I need to get to work, so, to put it politely, Get Out."
Sheppard blocked him. He was giving him that Look again. The second one. "Do you have sex with anyone with a pretty face?"
"Oh, please. For whatever reason, you're the babe magnet here, not me. I'd settle for moderately appealing."
"Gee, that makes me feel all special."
McKay put down his laptop and crossed his arms. Sheppard was obviously going for purposely irritating now. "How did this get to be about you?" Sheppard looked a little pouty. "Oh. Oh!" He'd completely forgotten about that. Stress of the moment and all. "That hardly applies to you, for god's sake. I mean, in that situation? I would have slept with you if you were Quasimodo." For some reason, Sheppard didn't look any happier at that.
"Jesus, McKay, it's a wonder you ever get laid."
"What's that supposed to mean? Not everyone can be an intergalactic flirt like you. And furthermore--"
He didn't get to finish because Sheppard's tongue kind of got in the way, and one thing led to another and a minute later they were on the bed and Sheppard was whispering in his ear, "I can do things with my fingers too."
He'd already come three times today. What was a fourth?
***
--I just realized.--
"I just-- oh god, I just realized something."
"What?" Sheppard sounded distracted, and McKay didn't disapprove of that, since Sheppard was distracted by the worshipping of McKay's body. But this was important.
"Did you-- Ung, yeah, like that. Did you notice that Ronon didn't -- nngh -- set off the device? Or, or Teyla either. Oh my god, that's hot." Teyla, with another woman, naked, sweaty, writhing as they...
"Rodney." McKay realized finally that Sheppard had sat up, which he most certainly did disapprove of. "Shut up."
End.
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