[RP log] Why Can't You Just Let Me Be?
(Noah has a depressive night, and Grace tries to talk him away from a bar. Grace is heirtothe_chief.)
Grace: Don't be stupid.
Noah: Kinda who I am.
Grace: Fine. Don't make me drag your sorry ass away from the place of enablement.
Noah: Huh?
Grace: You put yourself in a bar, you're asking for trouble. I will drag you out of there if I have to.
Noah: That might be hot.
Grace: *glare*
Noah: ::smirk:: What? Just being me.
Grace: *grabs his ear and pulls him out of the bar*
Noah: Mmm, if you weren't engaged...
Grace: Don't make me kick you in the shin.
Noah: :P
Grace: *kicks him in the shin* And what's this Tony tells me about you not thinking you have anyone? Or that there's nothing for you here.
Noah: Well isn't he the regular gossip queen.
Grace: You really hurt his feelings, Noah. It wasn't nice.
Noah: He took it wrong.
Grace: So how should he have taken it?
Noah: ::gives her a look:: I'm too sober for this conversation.
Grace: Yeah, well, you're not going to be getting any less sober, so spill.
Noah: Why not?
Grace: Why aren't you getting any less sober? Because I will sit with you and make sure you don't fall off the wagon. You've worked too damn hard.
Noah: And I'm trying to figure out...why? If nothing's going to change, why bother dealing with it sober?
Grace: You know, this is why she didn't want you to do all this for her.
Noah: ::shrug:: So she was right. Me being sober doesn't change that. I like me better drunk.
Grace: You managed to get out before you hit rock bottom, Noah. Don't you see how rare that is?
Noah: You call that not hitting rock bottom?
Grace: You still have your job, your license, your family and friends? You made the choice to go to rehab on your own -- you weren't ordered too. That really -wasn't- rock bottom. It could have been so much worse.
Noah: ::watches her, shakes his head:: Just...give up, Grace. You don't need me for a friend. You have great people without me.
Grace: *hands on hips* You're a jackass. And I'm not your friend because I -need- to be, I'm your friend because I -want- to be. Even when you're a jackass.
Noah: You shouldn't.
Grace: Says you.
Noah: That's just it. I *am* a jackass. All of this has been me faking it, and trying, but I can't be the good guy. She gets it, the rest of you should too.
Grace: Sometimes, I like jackasses. I never thought you were a nice guy.
Noah: So just...let me be me.
Grace: No. Because that's what friends do. They stick around even when friends are being a jackass.
Noah: Maybe I don't need friends.
Grace: Everyone needs friends. Especially guys like you who are stupid enough to sit in a bar when they're an alcoholic.
Noah: ::glares::
Grace: *gives him an even look right back*
Noah: You guys don't need me. I don't know that I want to be here.
Grace: Well, fine. If that's what you think, go ahead. Go back to Chicago. I guess I'll just see you when I see you.
Noah: ::nods::
Grace: You're a stubborn, vindictive bastard. Just so you know.
Noah: I've been called worse.
Grace: Go to Hell.
Noah: Pretty sure I'm already on my way there.
Grace: Come on. I'm taking you home.
Noah: Sounds like fun, but I'm not so sure Jake will like that.
Grace: Not to fuck you. Just to make sure you don't sabotage yourself.
Noah: You really think I couldn't if I really wanted to? Despite where I am?
Grace: No, but at least I'll know that I tried as best as I could without taking drastic measures. I, unlike you, am not a vicious bitch.
Noah: I'm not a bitch.
Grace: Don't be so sure.
Noah: ::glares again::
Grace: You're wimping out just because things got tough. Well, guess what, Noah? Life sucks. It's true for everyone, but if you're so pathetic that you need a bottle to deal with the -fantastic- one you've got, then yes, Noah, you're the very definition of a bitch. End of story.
Noah: In that case...sure. Call me a bitch.
Grace: *steps towards him* You're not the only one with problems. Everyone's got problems. Just because you have them isn't a reason to run away.
Noah: ::jaw set:: I don't have problems, Grace. I'm just....not worth it.
Grace: No, see -- that there? That's your problem. I know because my sister's the same way. You have alcohol, she has sex, but it's the same problem. You don't think you deserve better. And you fucking DO, damnit. Go see a goddamn shrink and pull your shit together. Stop taking it out on everyone else.
Noah: Deserving better doesn't automatically mean you'll get it.
Grace: No, you've got to work for it. So if you want it, get off your lazy ass and do it.
Noah: I tried, I didn't get anywhere.
Grace: So try again.
Noah: Won't get me anywhere. The better I want doesn't want me.
Grace: So find another better. Lots of fish in the sea.
Noah: ::shakes his head:: I give up on that crap.
Grace: Then you really are a waste of space.
Noah: Glad we agree on something.
Grace: But you're still a waste of space I happen to care about, so I'm still taking your sorry ass home. Just so I can look at myself in the mirror in the morning.
Noah: I don't want you to care about me.
Grace: Well, tough shit.
Noah: ::clenches his teeth, broken eyes stare at her::
Grace: *moves closer to him, hands on her hips* I -like- you, Noah. You're my -friend-. And at this point, you'd have to murder a family member of mine to get rid of me. So suck it up and deal.
Noah: ::keeps his eyes on hers, clenched out in barely a whisper:: So how come I'm not good enough for her?
Grace: *watches him for a minute, before moving closer and sliding her arms around his shoulders* No one ever said she wasn't with you because you weren't good enough.
Noah: ::doesn't hug her back quite yet:: No other reason I can see.
Grace: Ever think that the issue might be with her? That it's her issue and not yours?
Noah: ::shrug:: She wanted the fucked up drunk bastard at first. Why not be that again?
Grace: She didn't want that. Well, she thought she did, because women can be stupid sometimes, and not see what's right in front of them. Or some of them see it too well.
Noah: ::deflates and wraps his arms around her:: She never...really let me...have her. ::quiet::
Grace: *rubs his back lightly* She just didn't know what she wanted, Noah. That's not your fault.
Noah: Right. She only thought she wanted me. Much better.
Grace: You want to know what I know about Michaela? She doesn't want to upset anyone. I think that she got in over her head with you.
Noah: Meaning what?
Meaning that she never wanted to hurt you, but she couldn't handle what you were giving her.
Noah: Yeah, well I tried to be better, but she never stopped to look.
Grace: And that's not your fault, and it doesn't mean you should stop You're -better-. It feels good, doesn't it?
Noah: No. Actually. Feels worse.
Grace: *pulls back a bit too look at him* Forget Michaela for a second. Just think about you. How does it feel to not be drunk all the time?
Noah: ::shakes his head:: Feels like I have to feel everything a hundred times worse.
Grace: Why?
Noah: ::shrug:: Because i have to actually feel it.
Grace: Use that. Don't wish it away.
Noah: I don't want it.
Grace: It's what makes you human.
Noah: Feeling means remembering.
Grace: Remembering is important.
Noah: No. Forgetting is important.
No. Forgetting just gives you an excuse.
Noah: ::tenses and pulls away:: Remembering reminds me I'm more worthless than I usually think.
Grace: Remembering gives you something to fight from.
Noah: So if you were the cause of something really bad happening to someone you love...you'd want to remember that? Every day? I doubt it.
Grace: I do remember. Every day. And it sucks, but I deal with it.
Noah: ::just watches her::
Grace: What, you think you're the only one with a tragic childhood?
Noah: Never said that.
Grace: I used to have two brothers. When I was ten, our cat got out of the house in the middle of the night, and I went to find him. The street was clear, I had checked, and I was going to cross the street. *a bit of a pause as she swallows* I was crossing the street and the car came out of nowhere. I froze like a deer in the headlights and Alex -- pushed me out of the way. *swallows again* Car didn't even stop. He flew like a rag doll.
Noah: ::jaw tightens, he shakes his head:: I'm sorry...but..that wasn't your fault.
Grace: Oh, no? I was the one who couldn't let the fucking cat go. I was the one who was standing in the middle of the street while a -car- was coming at me. I was the one who just watched like a moron while my brother died. How is that not my fault?
Noah: ::quiet:: You were a kid. You were....trying to do the right thing. You were scared...
Grace: So what happened to you that makes you such an expert on what is and is not my fault?
Noah: I..I didn't say I was an expert. Just...from how it sounds....it wasn't.
Grace: My father seemed to think it was.
Noah: Yeah...well your father's a jackass.
Grace: I don't disagree. But my brother's still dead, and I was still the catalyst for it.
Noah: ::takes her elbow and pulls her close again::
Grace: *leans into the hug* Don't tell Jake. He doesn't know.
Noah: ::rubs her back:: I won't.
Grace: So what makes you think your thing is your fault?
Noah: ::tenses and sighs, is quiet for awhile, his breathing funny:: I...was kinda fucked up as a kid. Barely 22. Drinking...getting high..one night stands... ::isn't easy because he's never told anyone except that time in rehab::
Noah: Jenny...she was staying with me once. I took off...said I'd be right back. She didn't want to stay in my place alone, but I couldn't exactly score with her there.... ::chews his lip:: It just...I fucked up.
Grace: *watches him for a minute, then gently* What happened?
Noah: ::staring at the ground, shrugs:: Got some beers...was fucked up when I got to the video store...kinda new the girl there..talked her into the back room where we...went home and...she..Jenny- there was a guy. Roommates friend...he was...doing things...to her..
Grace: *it was enough for her to get the picture* You didn't know.
Noah: ::shakes his head:: I should've been there.
Grace: You were a kid. You thought she would be safe.
Noah: No. I was old enough to know better, and all I was thinking about was getting fucked up and getting laid.
Grace: Yeah. Like most twenty-two year-old boys.
Noah: She was my responsibility.
Grace: And you thought she would be safe.
Noah: ::shakes his head, rubs his face:: Mom and stepdad didn't hesitate in blaming me.
Grace: Yeah, well -- parents do stupid things when they're scared.
Noah: ::shrug:: Only got worse from there.
Grace: *pulls back, hands on his shoulders* Sounds like you've got nowhere to go but up.
Noah: I don't deserve that.
Grace: The only one saying that is you, Noah.
Noah: ::snorts:: You haven't met my ex.
Grace: Well, if she's a rabid bitch, she doesn't count.
Noah: ::shrug::
Grace: I'm serious, Noah. You deserve a little good too.
Noah: ::looks at her:: I can't...it hurts, okay? Being there. Every day. Knowing she won't even look at me. Won't even try to be my friend. I can't...be there.
Grace: Then work at a different hospital. There's another one right here in town. But -- don't go so far away.
Noah: ....I'd rather go before I fuck anything else up.
Grace: How much worse can it get? I mean, you say you're not speaking. How much more can it be fucked up?
Noah: I mean....with the rest of you.
Grace: And what makes you think you'll do that?
Noah: ::sighs:: It's just what I do.
Grace: Well, I'd like to think that me and Jake are a bit more well-equipped to put up with it. And Tony seems to like you enough to get insulted that you're leaving. So I think you're kind of stuck with us no matter what you do.
Noah: ::just pulls her close and hugs her tightly::
Grace: *hugs him back*
Grace: Don't be stupid.
Noah: Kinda who I am.
Grace: Fine. Don't make me drag your sorry ass away from the place of enablement.
Noah: Huh?
Grace: You put yourself in a bar, you're asking for trouble. I will drag you out of there if I have to.
Noah: That might be hot.
Grace: *glare*
Noah: ::smirk:: What? Just being me.
Grace: *grabs his ear and pulls him out of the bar*
Noah: Mmm, if you weren't engaged...
Grace: Don't make me kick you in the shin.
Noah: :P
Grace: *kicks him in the shin* And what's this Tony tells me about you not thinking you have anyone? Or that there's nothing for you here.
Noah: Well isn't he the regular gossip queen.
Grace: You really hurt his feelings, Noah. It wasn't nice.
Noah: He took it wrong.
Grace: So how should he have taken it?
Noah: ::gives her a look:: I'm too sober for this conversation.
Grace: Yeah, well, you're not going to be getting any less sober, so spill.
Noah: Why not?
Grace: Why aren't you getting any less sober? Because I will sit with you and make sure you don't fall off the wagon. You've worked too damn hard.
Noah: And I'm trying to figure out...why? If nothing's going to change, why bother dealing with it sober?
Grace: You know, this is why she didn't want you to do all this for her.
Noah: ::shrug:: So she was right. Me being sober doesn't change that. I like me better drunk.
Grace: You managed to get out before you hit rock bottom, Noah. Don't you see how rare that is?
Noah: You call that not hitting rock bottom?
Grace: You still have your job, your license, your family and friends? You made the choice to go to rehab on your own -- you weren't ordered too. That really -wasn't- rock bottom. It could have been so much worse.
Noah: ::watches her, shakes his head:: Just...give up, Grace. You don't need me for a friend. You have great people without me.
Grace: *hands on hips* You're a jackass. And I'm not your friend because I -need- to be, I'm your friend because I -want- to be. Even when you're a jackass.
Noah: You shouldn't.
Grace: Says you.
Noah: That's just it. I *am* a jackass. All of this has been me faking it, and trying, but I can't be the good guy. She gets it, the rest of you should too.
Grace: Sometimes, I like jackasses. I never thought you were a nice guy.
Noah: So just...let me be me.
Grace: No. Because that's what friends do. They stick around even when friends are being a jackass.
Noah: Maybe I don't need friends.
Grace: Everyone needs friends. Especially guys like you who are stupid enough to sit in a bar when they're an alcoholic.
Noah: ::glares::
Grace: *gives him an even look right back*
Noah: You guys don't need me. I don't know that I want to be here.
Grace: Well, fine. If that's what you think, go ahead. Go back to Chicago. I guess I'll just see you when I see you.
Noah: ::nods::
Grace: You're a stubborn, vindictive bastard. Just so you know.
Noah: I've been called worse.
Grace: Go to Hell.
Noah: Pretty sure I'm already on my way there.
Grace: Come on. I'm taking you home.
Noah: Sounds like fun, but I'm not so sure Jake will like that.
Grace: Not to fuck you. Just to make sure you don't sabotage yourself.
Noah: You really think I couldn't if I really wanted to? Despite where I am?
Grace: No, but at least I'll know that I tried as best as I could without taking drastic measures. I, unlike you, am not a vicious bitch.
Noah: I'm not a bitch.
Grace: Don't be so sure.
Noah: ::glares again::
Grace: You're wimping out just because things got tough. Well, guess what, Noah? Life sucks. It's true for everyone, but if you're so pathetic that you need a bottle to deal with the -fantastic- one you've got, then yes, Noah, you're the very definition of a bitch. End of story.
Noah: In that case...sure. Call me a bitch.
Grace: *steps towards him* You're not the only one with problems. Everyone's got problems. Just because you have them isn't a reason to run away.
Noah: ::jaw set:: I don't have problems, Grace. I'm just....not worth it.
Grace: No, see -- that there? That's your problem. I know because my sister's the same way. You have alcohol, she has sex, but it's the same problem. You don't think you deserve better. And you fucking DO, damnit. Go see a goddamn shrink and pull your shit together. Stop taking it out on everyone else.
Noah: Deserving better doesn't automatically mean you'll get it.
Grace: No, you've got to work for it. So if you want it, get off your lazy ass and do it.
Noah: I tried, I didn't get anywhere.
Grace: So try again.
Noah: Won't get me anywhere. The better I want doesn't want me.
Grace: So find another better. Lots of fish in the sea.
Noah: ::shakes his head:: I give up on that crap.
Grace: Then you really are a waste of space.
Noah: Glad we agree on something.
Grace: But you're still a waste of space I happen to care about, so I'm still taking your sorry ass home. Just so I can look at myself in the mirror in the morning.
Noah: I don't want you to care about me.
Grace: Well, tough shit.
Noah: ::clenches his teeth, broken eyes stare at her::
Grace: *moves closer to him, hands on her hips* I -like- you, Noah. You're my -friend-. And at this point, you'd have to murder a family member of mine to get rid of me. So suck it up and deal.
Noah: ::keeps his eyes on hers, clenched out in barely a whisper:: So how come I'm not good enough for her?
Grace: *watches him for a minute, before moving closer and sliding her arms around his shoulders* No one ever said she wasn't with you because you weren't good enough.
Noah: ::doesn't hug her back quite yet:: No other reason I can see.
Grace: Ever think that the issue might be with her? That it's her issue and not yours?
Noah: ::shrug:: She wanted the fucked up drunk bastard at first. Why not be that again?
Grace: She didn't want that. Well, she thought she did, because women can be stupid sometimes, and not see what's right in front of them. Or some of them see it too well.
Noah: ::deflates and wraps his arms around her:: She never...really let me...have her. ::quiet::
Grace: *rubs his back lightly* She just didn't know what she wanted, Noah. That's not your fault.
Noah: Right. She only thought she wanted me. Much better.
Grace: You want to know what I know about Michaela? She doesn't want to upset anyone. I think that she got in over her head with you.
Noah: Meaning what?
Meaning that she never wanted to hurt you, but she couldn't handle what you were giving her.
Noah: Yeah, well I tried to be better, but she never stopped to look.
Grace: And that's not your fault, and it doesn't mean you should stop You're -better-. It feels good, doesn't it?
Noah: No. Actually. Feels worse.
Grace: *pulls back a bit too look at him* Forget Michaela for a second. Just think about you. How does it feel to not be drunk all the time?
Noah: ::shakes his head:: Feels like I have to feel everything a hundred times worse.
Grace: Why?
Noah: ::shrug:: Because i have to actually feel it.
Grace: Use that. Don't wish it away.
Noah: I don't want it.
Grace: It's what makes you human.
Noah: Feeling means remembering.
Grace: Remembering is important.
Noah: No. Forgetting is important.
No. Forgetting just gives you an excuse.
Noah: ::tenses and pulls away:: Remembering reminds me I'm more worthless than I usually think.
Grace: Remembering gives you something to fight from.
Noah: So if you were the cause of something really bad happening to someone you love...you'd want to remember that? Every day? I doubt it.
Grace: I do remember. Every day. And it sucks, but I deal with it.
Noah: ::just watches her::
Grace: What, you think you're the only one with a tragic childhood?
Noah: Never said that.
Grace: I used to have two brothers. When I was ten, our cat got out of the house in the middle of the night, and I went to find him. The street was clear, I had checked, and I was going to cross the street. *a bit of a pause as she swallows* I was crossing the street and the car came out of nowhere. I froze like a deer in the headlights and Alex -- pushed me out of the way. *swallows again* Car didn't even stop. He flew like a rag doll.
Noah: ::jaw tightens, he shakes his head:: I'm sorry...but..that wasn't your fault.
Grace: Oh, no? I was the one who couldn't let the fucking cat go. I was the one who was standing in the middle of the street while a -car- was coming at me. I was the one who just watched like a moron while my brother died. How is that not my fault?
Noah: ::quiet:: You were a kid. You were....trying to do the right thing. You were scared...
Grace: So what happened to you that makes you such an expert on what is and is not my fault?
Noah: I..I didn't say I was an expert. Just...from how it sounds....it wasn't.
Grace: My father seemed to think it was.
Noah: Yeah...well your father's a jackass.
Grace: I don't disagree. But my brother's still dead, and I was still the catalyst for it.
Noah: ::takes her elbow and pulls her close again::
Grace: *leans into the hug* Don't tell Jake. He doesn't know.
Noah: ::rubs her back:: I won't.
Grace: So what makes you think your thing is your fault?
Noah: ::tenses and sighs, is quiet for awhile, his breathing funny:: I...was kinda fucked up as a kid. Barely 22. Drinking...getting high..one night stands... ::isn't easy because he's never told anyone except that time in rehab::
Noah: Jenny...she was staying with me once. I took off...said I'd be right back. She didn't want to stay in my place alone, but I couldn't exactly score with her there.... ::chews his lip:: It just...I fucked up.
Grace: *watches him for a minute, then gently* What happened?
Noah: ::staring at the ground, shrugs:: Got some beers...was fucked up when I got to the video store...kinda new the girl there..talked her into the back room where we...went home and...she..Jenny- there was a guy. Roommates friend...he was...doing things...to her..
Grace: *it was enough for her to get the picture* You didn't know.
Noah: ::shakes his head:: I should've been there.
Grace: You were a kid. You thought she would be safe.
Noah: No. I was old enough to know better, and all I was thinking about was getting fucked up and getting laid.
Grace: Yeah. Like most twenty-two year-old boys.
Noah: She was my responsibility.
Grace: And you thought she would be safe.
Noah: ::shakes his head, rubs his face:: Mom and stepdad didn't hesitate in blaming me.
Grace: Yeah, well -- parents do stupid things when they're scared.
Noah: ::shrug:: Only got worse from there.
Grace: *pulls back, hands on his shoulders* Sounds like you've got nowhere to go but up.
Noah: I don't deserve that.
Grace: The only one saying that is you, Noah.
Noah: ::snorts:: You haven't met my ex.
Grace: Well, if she's a rabid bitch, she doesn't count.
Noah: ::shrug::
Grace: I'm serious, Noah. You deserve a little good too.
Noah: ::looks at her:: I can't...it hurts, okay? Being there. Every day. Knowing she won't even look at me. Won't even try to be my friend. I can't...be there.
Grace: Then work at a different hospital. There's another one right here in town. But -- don't go so far away.
Noah: ....I'd rather go before I fuck anything else up.
Grace: How much worse can it get? I mean, you say you're not speaking. How much more can it be fucked up?
Noah: I mean....with the rest of you.
Grace: And what makes you think you'll do that?
Noah: ::sighs:: It's just what I do.
Grace: Well, I'd like to think that me and Jake are a bit more well-equipped to put up with it. And Tony seems to like you enough to get insulted that you're leaving. So I think you're kind of stuck with us no matter what you do.
Noah: ::just pulls her close and hugs her tightly::
Grace: *hugs him back*