This Goddamn Beautiful Game: Old School Picspam.
I don't do a lot of picspam, or at least not enough in proportion to how many pictures I actually have, and mostly that's because bluefragment has always seemed to be the person most likely to be interested and, um. There's no way I have a single picture on my hard drive that she doesn't already have, for the most part. She is so much better at tracking things down than I am.
And yet. I sometimes feel compelled! And if I assume that there might be other people out there who are at least casually interested or just enjoy picspams in general (as I myself do!) who haven't spent the time tracking things down that bluefragment and I have, then there are very many pictures that I think of as being pretty standard stuff that still might not have been seen by most people.
With that in mind.
This is Julie Foudy.
She's got a great sense of humor. (Even if her teammates say she's loud.)
She used to be young.
She also used to be team captain.
That's the captain's armband there, see? It means, "Listen up, bitches."
She was a leader of women.
And a thinker of deep thoughts.
But then she retired. (Along with Mia Hamm, who I'm sure you recognize, and that's also Brandi Chastain. The one who took her shirt off. Yeah, HER.)
Now she's the creepy old lady who sits around watching young girls work out. Oh, and she commentates for ESPN.
Jules played with some of the same women since 1991.
Foudy, Hamm, Chastain, Lilly, and Fawcett. You might have heard of them.
They've kind of won a few things.
One of these women is Kristine Lilly. Call her Lils.
Lils has played over 300 games for her country (currently 319), which is more than any man or woman has for any other country in the world.
She also has nice arms. If you're into that kind of thing.
Since her friends are gone, Lil is often the captain of the team.
Which is okay. It's not so hard, since she's pretty good at humble.
Which is impressive considering she's scored over 100 goals (and counting), in addition to that whole "319 caps" thing.
Although, sometimes they make her talk to people who aren't her teammates. And that sucks.
Here you see Lil and that other person. Mia something.
Oh, right.
Her.
Mia is recognizable, because she has accomplished so much in the game.
She's often looked up to as one of the best known soccer players in the world.
She's well liked and respected. She's humble and pretty hot.
But what many people might not know...
Is Mia Hamm has (not so) hidden gay.
This is Mia's gay.
Her name is Abby Wambach.
She's really popular with the dyke fans.
Shocking, yes?
Really, though, she has good arms.
Gets along with presidential hopefuls!
And is beloved by her hometown.
Even though they all know: she's INCREDIBLY gay.
And when Lils isn't there, she gets to play captain sometimes.
Basically, Abby's living the life.
But more than anything, she likes getting along with her teammates.
You see?
Mmhm.
Here she is again.
This is Abby getting along in the World Cup in 2003.
By being ridden by a teammate. (After beating Canada, who will we return to later.)
In fact, being jumped on?
Could possibly be what Abby is best at.
She gets a lot of practice, see.
Especially with Mia -- who was also her teammate when there was a pro league.
They're close, you know?
Yeah.
So you can probably see why they're kind of OTP.
But before Mia left the game, she took the time to hug Heather O'Reilly a lot too.
So meet Heather.
I'm fond of her and spam her a lot, so we'll keep this brief. (Look how she FLAMES. In spite of being a girl!)
Heather is a badass.
Except when she's not.
More often, she's a dork.
A squeeing dork, even.
Like Mia, Heather has a favorite person to grab too.
Her name is Lindsay Tarpley.
And they are always, always touching.
This is Tarp after returning from an injury that had her sidelined for about a month. (Their HANDS.)
Here's Athens, celebrating a gold medal together.
And in China. Touching.
Here Heather's giving Tarpley all the space she needs. Assuming, of course, that that's no more than about four inches.
This shot is here just to show off Tarpley's arms.
Heather and Tarpley both recently graduated from UNC. (Or, okay, Heather DOES graduate THIS May. But whatevs.)
Which is where Tobin Heath goes to school.
Tobin, you may notice, has super long legs.
And is studious.
She's also super bestest friends with Casey Nogueira.
Casey also goes to UNC. Where she wears hoodies a LOT.
And where they won a national title this year.
Casey was actually a huge part of that win.
Which is especially impressive, since she's so young. In fact, she left high school a year early to commit to UNC.
When she was in high school, she was even dykier.
As you can see.
She's always been social, though. Here she is in Russia! Being adorable. (Her little FACE.)
Also in Russia, Casey spent time with Kelley O'Hara (to the far left).
They were there to play with the U-20s national team.
Which basically means a lot of adorable youth and woobiness. (That's Kelley on the right and Amy Rodriguez on the left!)
And lots of girls from different schools. (This is Jordan Angeli and Brittany Bock from SCU and Notre Dame respectively.)
And different talents. (Carrie Dew, also Notre Dame.)
But it's hard to not come back to Kelley a lot of the time.
There's just that something special.
And I swear it's not ALL in the hands.
Of course, all the girls are pretty great. Which only increases the woobiness when they lost to Brazil.
In the rain.
On penalty kicks.
And took it quite hard.
Maybe you picked up on that.
While we're talking international games, on the much happier side of things are the Canadians.
In a way, they're one of our biggest rivals because they are obviously nearby and don't totally suck.
They're also super gay and our two teams appear to battle it out to prove which is the gayest of them all. Here we see Christine Sinclair trying to outgay Kristine Lilly.
Though she doesn't quite succeed, it's a pretty good effort.
This is Andie.
While Sinclair might get more of the notice as a player, it's Andie who is often considered the most vocal leader on the team.
And since she's also a defender, it's doubly hot.
She likes to set an example.
And also to be pretty. She likes that too.
Another thing Canada has going for them is Erin McLeod. She's an amazing goalkeeper. Seriously.
She's also SO seriously straight. I mean, notice her aura of heterosexuality.
It just permeates.
Uh. Yep.
Except, I mean. The hair, kind of. Can they do something to make the hair less gay?
... um. Well then.
Okay! Brittany Timko. Also Canadian.
She reminds me of tiny little mice and other furry things that need cuddling.
I think maybe she reminds her teammates of that too.
Here she is with fellow Canadian Katie Thorlakson.
And here too. They're pretty close.
Uh. But not as close as Katie is with Kara. (Read as: SO GAY CLOSE.)
All three of them played for the Vancouver Whitecaps the year they won the W-League trophy.
Lately, though, Katie and Kara have BOTH been injured at the same time.
That's not actually when these pictures of Katie are from. I just mention it because it makes them seem like woobies.
Not that they need a lot of help.
Katie's tough, though.
She's pretty good at bouncing back and all that.
Not that Kara Lang is bad at it. She's had practice, see.
She's been doing this since she was way young.
And has faced many hardships and losses.
Here we see Andie comforting her and showing encouragement. It's the love of teammates that helps!
And here... um. Huh. I guess here we see Canada officially beating us at gayness. Way to go, you girls from up north! I'm impressed.
But don't rest easy! Abby is already preparing herself for the next encounter.
And yet. I sometimes feel compelled! And if I assume that there might be other people out there who are at least casually interested or just enjoy picspams in general (as I myself do!) who haven't spent the time tracking things down that bluefragment and I have, then there are very many pictures that I think of as being pretty standard stuff that still might not have been seen by most people.
With that in mind.
This is Julie Foudy.
She's got a great sense of humor. (Even if her teammates say she's loud.)
She used to be young.
She also used to be team captain.
That's the captain's armband there, see? It means, "Listen up, bitches."
She was a leader of women.
And a thinker of deep thoughts.
But then she retired. (Along with Mia Hamm, who I'm sure you recognize, and that's also Brandi Chastain. The one who took her shirt off. Yeah, HER.)
Now she's the creepy old lady who sits around watching young girls work out. Oh, and she commentates for ESPN.
Jules played with some of the same women since 1991.
Foudy, Hamm, Chastain, Lilly, and Fawcett. You might have heard of them.
They've kind of won a few things.
One of these women is Kristine Lilly. Call her Lils.
Lils has played over 300 games for her country (currently 319), which is more than any man or woman has for any other country in the world.
She also has nice arms. If you're into that kind of thing.
Since her friends are gone, Lil is often the captain of the team.
Which is okay. It's not so hard, since she's pretty good at humble.
Which is impressive considering she's scored over 100 goals (and counting), in addition to that whole "319 caps" thing.
Although, sometimes they make her talk to people who aren't her teammates. And that sucks.
Here you see Lil and that other person. Mia something.
Oh, right.
Her.
Mia is recognizable, because she has accomplished so much in the game.
She's often looked up to as one of the best known soccer players in the world.
She's well liked and respected. She's humble and pretty hot.
But what many people might not know...
Is Mia Hamm has (not so) hidden gay.
This is Mia's gay.
Her name is Abby Wambach.
She's really popular with the dyke fans.
Shocking, yes?
Really, though, she has good arms.
Gets along with presidential hopefuls!
And is beloved by her hometown.
Even though they all know: she's INCREDIBLY gay.
And when Lils isn't there, she gets to play captain sometimes.
Basically, Abby's living the life.
But more than anything, she likes getting along with her teammates.
You see?
Mmhm.
Here she is again.
This is Abby getting along in the World Cup in 2003.
By being ridden by a teammate. (After beating Canada, who will we return to later.)
In fact, being jumped on?
Could possibly be what Abby is best at.
She gets a lot of practice, see.
Especially with Mia -- who was also her teammate when there was a pro league.
They're close, you know?
Yeah.
So you can probably see why they're kind of OTP.
But before Mia left the game, she took the time to hug Heather O'Reilly a lot too.
So meet Heather.
I'm fond of her and spam her a lot, so we'll keep this brief. (Look how she FLAMES. In spite of being a girl!)
Heather is a badass.
Except when she's not.
More often, she's a dork.
A squeeing dork, even.
Like Mia, Heather has a favorite person to grab too.
Her name is Lindsay Tarpley.
And they are always, always touching.
This is Tarp after returning from an injury that had her sidelined for about a month. (Their HANDS.)
Here's Athens, celebrating a gold medal together.
And in China. Touching.
Here Heather's giving Tarpley all the space she needs. Assuming, of course, that that's no more than about four inches.
This shot is here just to show off Tarpley's arms.
Heather and Tarpley both recently graduated from UNC. (Or, okay, Heather DOES graduate THIS May. But whatevs.)
Which is where Tobin Heath goes to school.
Tobin, you may notice, has super long legs.
And is studious.
She's also super bestest friends with Casey Nogueira.
Casey also goes to UNC. Where she wears hoodies a LOT.
And where they won a national title this year.
Casey was actually a huge part of that win.
Which is especially impressive, since she's so young. In fact, she left high school a year early to commit to UNC.
When she was in high school, she was even dykier.
As you can see.
She's always been social, though. Here she is in Russia! Being adorable. (Her little FACE.)
Also in Russia, Casey spent time with Kelley O'Hara (to the far left).
They were there to play with the U-20s national team.
Which basically means a lot of adorable youth and woobiness. (That's Kelley on the right and Amy Rodriguez on the left!)
And lots of girls from different schools. (This is Jordan Angeli and Brittany Bock from SCU and Notre Dame respectively.)
And different talents. (Carrie Dew, also Notre Dame.)
But it's hard to not come back to Kelley a lot of the time.
There's just that something special.
And I swear it's not ALL in the hands.
Of course, all the girls are pretty great. Which only increases the woobiness when they lost to Brazil.
In the rain.
On penalty kicks.
And took it quite hard.
Maybe you picked up on that.
While we're talking international games, on the much happier side of things are the Canadians.
In a way, they're one of our biggest rivals because they are obviously nearby and don't totally suck.
They're also super gay and our two teams appear to battle it out to prove which is the gayest of them all. Here we see Christine Sinclair trying to outgay Kristine Lilly.
Though she doesn't quite succeed, it's a pretty good effort.
This is Andie.
While Sinclair might get more of the notice as a player, it's Andie who is often considered the most vocal leader on the team.
And since she's also a defender, it's doubly hot.
She likes to set an example.
And also to be pretty. She likes that too.
Another thing Canada has going for them is Erin McLeod. She's an amazing goalkeeper. Seriously.
She's also SO seriously straight. I mean, notice her aura of heterosexuality.
It just permeates.
Uh. Yep.
Except, I mean. The hair, kind of. Can they do something to make the hair less gay?
... um. Well then.
Okay! Brittany Timko. Also Canadian.
She reminds me of tiny little mice and other furry things that need cuddling.
I think maybe she reminds her teammates of that too.
Here she is with fellow Canadian Katie Thorlakson.
And here too. They're pretty close.
Uh. But not as close as Katie is with Kara. (Read as: SO GAY CLOSE.)
All three of them played for the Vancouver Whitecaps the year they won the W-League trophy.
Lately, though, Katie and Kara have BOTH been injured at the same time.
That's not actually when these pictures of Katie are from. I just mention it because it makes them seem like woobies.
Not that they need a lot of help.
Katie's tough, though.
She's pretty good at bouncing back and all that.
Not that Kara Lang is bad at it. She's had practice, see.
She's been doing this since she was way young.
And has faced many hardships and losses.
Here we see Andie comforting her and showing encouragement. It's the love of teammates that helps!
And here... um. Huh. I guess here we see Canada officially beating us at gayness. Way to go, you girls from up north! I'm impressed.
But don't rest easy! Abby is already preparing herself for the next encounter.