In the Shadows (Severus/various others, NC-17)
Well, the reveals are up at hp_rarities. Now I know who wrote my gift, I'd like to thank ellie_kat89 for the AS/S gift she wrote for me, Once Upon a Memory.
And here is my Snape-centric contribution to the fest. Hope you enjoy.
Title: In the Shadows
Author: sesheta_66
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Severus/Lily Evans, Severus/Narcissa, Severus/Narcissa/Lucius, Severus/James Potter Sr.
Word Count: 5600
Warning(s): *points to pairings*
Summary: What if your memories are all you have … and even they are in the shadows?
Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction set in the Harry Potter universe - all recognisable characters and settings are the property of J. K. Rowling and her associates. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is made from this work. Please observe your local laws with regards to the age-limit and content of this work.
Lily sat peacefully looking out over the lake as Severus approached. They had met here many times before, though this was the first time he hesitated. Putting one foot in front of the other had suddenly become the most difficult task in the world.
The word echoed in his head - Mudblood - and screamed through the silence between them, reminding him of what he couldn't take back. Could never take back.
"Hey," he ventured as he settled himself beside her. She didn't reply.
They sat in what may have been their first uncomfortable silence. Words failed as fear overwhelmed him. Fear that she wouldn't accept his apology. Fear that he would say something equally or more hurtful. Fear that he'd already damaged their relationship beyond repair.
"Well," he ventured. "I'll take it as a good sign that you haven't hexed me."
"Yet." A hint of a smile slipped through her veneer, and he let out a long breath.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"Can you forgive me?" he asked, unsure if, as undeserving as he may be, he could live without her forgiveness.
"I don't honestly know."
"You know I didn't mean it, right?"
"I'm not so sure, Sev. If you didn't mean it, why would you say it?"
"I was angry," he said honestly. After all, if they couldn't be honest with each other, what sort of friendship did they have?
She looked genuinely confused. "At me?"
He nodded. "I was."
"But I didn't do anything."
"Ah …" He knew she didn't understand. "But you did."
She scowled. "I defended you!"
"Exactly." He watched her expression turn contemplative. "To them," he explained.
"But they needed to be told that they had no right to do that to you."
"Perhaps. But not by you, Lil."
She narrowed her eyes. "But they listen to me."
"That's not the point."
"Then what is the point?" she asked in an exasperated tone. "It's not like they'd listen to you."
"No, but now they think I can't defend myself, and that I need you to fight my battles for me."
Her face softened as she absorbed his words. "Oh."
"Yeah. Oh."
"I won't apologise for doing what was right."
He chuckled. "I know. I wouldn't expect you to. Stubborn Gryffindor."
She swatted him playfully. "Prat."
He nudged her back, glad the tension was gone.
"I won't do it again," she offered.
He nodded. "I really am sorry. I don't think --"
"I know you don't." Her face grew solemn. "But it makes me sad that the words came so easily."
He shrugged. He knew she'd never understand, never appreciate how much his hatred towards his father, and the helplessness he felt at the man's hands, fuelled his choices. He might never be able to tell her.
"If I promise never to say it again --"
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Sev."
"How about this: I promise that if I ever say it to you again, I won't mean it."
"If you ever say it to me again, I don't think I could forgive you."
"Does that mean you forgive me now?" he asked hopefully.
She rolled her eyes as he painted on his most pitiful lost-crup face. "Maybe."
Overwhelmed with relief, he hugged her closely and held on as if she were his lifeline. In a lot of ways, she was. She grounded him, kept his emotions in check, kept him from doing really stupid things.
He released his hold on her after a time, but didn't pull back completely. They sat there, looking into each other's eyes for an eternity that, in reality, was probably less than a minute.
"So we're good?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.
She rested her forehead on his. "We're good."
He smiled and breathed in the scent of her. Letting his lids fall shut, he leaned in and closed the gap.
He had always been afraid before. Truth be told, he was afraid now too. But something about almost losing Lily as a friend - and with that, any hope of ever having more - gave Severus the courage that had eluded him in the past.
When their lips met, he felt a wave of excitement. Whether it was panic at the thought of rejection, or a sense of euphoria at the fact that this was really happening, he couldn't be sure.
His lips pressed against hers for a long moment before he registered two things. One, she wasn't pulling away, and two, she wasn't kissing him back.
Regretfully, he drew back to face her. "I should say that I'm sorry," he told her. "But I'm not."
"You're not?" she asked. He noted that she didn't look upset.
"I've wanted to do that for as long as I can remember."
She raised an eyebrow. "So what took you so long?" She gave him a cheeky wink.
"You mean …?" He didn't dare to expect, but hope welled up inside him.
"Let's try that again, shall we?" Before he registered her words, she leaned in and kissed him. Properly. It was like coming home, only to the type of home he'd never known, but had always longed for.
The kiss lasted forever and not nearly long enough. When their mouths reluctantly withdrew, Severus was surprised that he didn't feel a sense of loss. He supposed the radiant smile on Lily's face had a lot to do with that.
Fuelled with daring he hadn't thought himself capable of, he whispered in her ear. "I love you, Lily Evans."
His heart slowed to nearly a stop as silence rang out. She held him close for the most excruciating few minutes of his life. Stupid, he thought. He shouldn't have pushed it.
He was about to retract the words when she gently pushed him away. "And I love you, Sev."
As he felt his body return to his office, Severus experienced a war of emotions. He was back to reality. Back to face another kind of war. Elation quickly faded to despair.
His mind raced as he fought to regain his equilibrium. He looked at the Pensieve atop his coffee table. Foolish. He cursed himself for succumbing yet again to the memory. A false one, of course, but made so very real, thanks to the Weasley brothers' Daydream Charm. And wasn't that a royal kick in the pants?
Severus recalled the day he'd confiscated the product from a student, chastising him for wasting his money on such a futile pastime. The longer he had possession of it, however, the more tempted Severus had been. It advertised that the user could customise the daydream with his own memories, thereby creating a personal experience. It was ingenious, really. If it worked.
When he'd finally relented, Severus had relived the worst day of his life - well, the aftermath anyway - and had used the daydream to imagine how the events might have played out, had he approached Lily later that afternoon. Something he forever regretted not doing. Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on how one looked at it - the daydream had run its course before anything more than a kiss had happened.
He'd never given in and bought one himself, no matter how strong the temptation. But one thing he couldn't resist was that kiss, that moment in time that had felt so perfect, so right. Probably the only time in his life that ever had. And it wasn't even real.
Whenever his resolve was at its weakest, or he was feeling particularly troubled, he would take out the Pensieve and relive it. Often more than once. It was, after all, the closest he'd ever come to love.
But now he faced reality. He had to stop Draco from making the worst mistake of his life. And he, Severus, in all likelihood, was going to have to kill Albus Dumbledore. The thought sickened him. Methodically, he crossed the room to retrieve a glass and some whiskey. He poured himself three fingers and brought it to his lips. He took a moment to appreciate the hot liquid sliding down his throat, before returning to the sitting area.
He contemplated what his life had become, and wondered - not for the first time - how he'd got to this point. What events had brought him here, and what might he have done differently?
With an abrupt swig, he finished his drink, hissing as the alcohol burned its way down. He placed the empty glass on the table with a thud. He took a deep breath, then leaned in to escape once more.
oooOOOooo
Severus paced his rooms, robes billowing as he walked, swirling as he changed direction. The boy was infuriating. Maddening! After all these years, after everything he'd done for him, that little brat had the nerve … the audacity! The way he'd spoken to Severus with such disrespect …
Bang! The room reverberated with the sound of his fist meeting his desk. This was too much. It was all just too much. Severus was playing both sides, and as if that weren't enough, now he had each side pulling at him even more.
It was suffocating. He had nothing of his own, not really. He'd spent his entire adult life in the service of someone or other. Most of it in the service of two opposing sides. And for what? To what end? His ideals hadn't changed, not really. He still believed in the supremacy of wizards. After all, his own Muggle father had been nothing but a vindictive, pathetic excuse for a human being.
The Dark Lord's father was no better, abandoning his pregnant wife at the first opportunity, and leaving his son to grow up in an orphanage. Oh, Severus didn't pretend that he agreed with the Dark Lord's methods, or his own brand of cruelty, but at least he'd come by it honestly.
Even Potter - precious Potter - had had a taste of life with abusive Muggles. How on earth he'd ended up buying into that manipulative old man's drivel was beyond Severus. He chalked it up to the stupidity and arrogance no doubt passed down by the boy's father.
Potter's mother, however, was another story. Merlin, how Severus had loved Lily. "And look where that got you," he said scathingly to the empty room. "She's dead and you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Both of which are currently pressing in with alarming pressure."
But Draco … there was no excuse. His father had placed him directly in harm's way, and - as arrogant as Lucius - the boy was too blind to see just how impossible his assignment was. Once again, Severus found himself wondering how he'd got where he was, how he'd become the key to the boy's survival.
"Narcissa," he said to the room, laughing aloud at his musings. He couldn't refuse her anything, and she knew it. He smiled wryly as he recalled the look of shock on Bellatrix's face when he'd agreed to an Unbreakable Vow. Well, he thought, clearly she didn't know.
oooOOOooo
Severus had been recruited by the Dark Lord several months earlier, barely of age, and it was the first time he was to attend a meeting of the inner circle. Only it hadn't quite worked out the way he'd envisioned.
He could still smell the acrid scent of his burning flesh, and it was all he could do not to be sick. The Dark Lord had branded him, then banished him from the room while the others celebrated.
"How are you feeling?" a soft voice asked.
Severus groaned, surprised he was capable of that after his recent guttural screaming.
"Here. Drink this," she said, offering him a glass of water. He took a large gulp and felt icy wetness coat his insides. She led him to a sofa. As he sat down, he felt suddenly drained. Not water, then. He wanted to ask what was in the glass, but couldn't. He toyed momentarily with the thought that he'd been poisoned, but as he lost consciousness, he saw the soft blue eyes of an angel.
He woke later to find a tray of sandwiches and a glass of … well, he didn't know what. A house-elf jumped at his sudden movement.
"Oh, you is awake!" the squeaky voice announced, quite unnecessarily. "I is getting Miss Narcissa now. She is wanting to know when you is waking up." With a pop, the creature disappeared.
By the time Severus managed to sit up, the angel had returned. He vaguely recalled her from school, only she had been ahead of him.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Like I'm being readied for slaughter," he quipped.
She tilted her head, giving him a curious look.
"You know." He held up his tender and swollen arm. "Now I'm branded."
Her eyes went huge for the briefest of moments, clearly shocked that he'd said the words. "I'm sure you don't really feel that way."
Suddenly all too aware that he should be more careful, he replied with as casual a voice as he could muster, "Of course not."
His concern didn't escape her notice. She chuckled quietly. "Don't worry. They've all gone."
He nodded, grateful that she didn't seem to be judging him.
"We haven't formally met. I'm Narcissa." She held out a soft, manicured hand. "I volunteered to look after you."
And for the next two days, she did just that.
***
It was months later when he saw her again - on the arm of Lucius Malfoy. Unfortunate, he thought. Narcissa was a beauty, to be sure, but more than that, she had a softness beneath her cool veneer. A softness he suspected very few people had seen. It was something Severus was certain that Lucius Malfoy could never appreciate, and certainly didn't deserve. Sure, he was rich, powerful, and attractive, but he was also cruel, and Severus suspected he was incapable of love.
Severus laughed at himself, wondering when he had developed such a weakness. He found himself thinking of Lily, another woman who deserved far better than the man she was with. Shaking his head clear of those thoughts, he focussed instead on Narcissa.
Severus clutched his drink as she approached. "Careful," she said quietly. "People might think we're in love."
Severus gaped at her before he registered the playful look in her eyes. "Very funny," he drawled.
She winked at him. "The look on your face certainly was."
***
"Watch where you're going," Severus growled. He was looking for some more questionable potions ingredients in Knockturn Alley and he'd just run head-long into someone who clearly wasn't watching where they were going.
"I could say the same to you," came a haughty reply. Severus's head shot up at the sound of the voice.
"Narcissa?"
"Severus?"
"Fancy running into you like this," she joked.
He rolled his eyes. "You realise that wasn't funny, right?"
"But you're smiling," she pointed out.
His grin broadened. "It would appear that I am." You make it easy for me to smile. He kept that latter thought to himself.
He helped her retrieve the parcel she had dropped and apologised. "How about I make it up to you by buying you a drink?" he offered.
She looked contemplative, as though searching for a graceful way to get out of it.
"Never mind," he said. "I'm sure you have plans." With Lucius, no doubt. Lucky bastard.
"As it so happens, I have no pressing engagement tonight." She smiled coyly before adding, "I'm all yours."
Surely that wasn't … she didn't mean … no. Of course not.
"You really ought to stop doing that, Severus."
"What's that?" What was she talking about?
"Thinking things through too much. Just relax. Let yourself go with the moment."
"Very well, then. Have dinner with me."
She smiled. "I'd be delighted to."
Two hours later, as they stumbled into a rented room of a not-so-upscale-but-not-quite-dodgy hotel near the restaurant, Severus had taken her suggestion to heart.
He clicked the door shut, and his heart began hammering a rapid rhythm in his chest. What was he doing? She was with Lucius!
"Kiss me."
All thoughts of Lucius - and everything else - flew from his mind as he granted her request.
Her lips were at once soft but demanding, and he felt all his worries fade. His heart was attempting to escape his chest, it was beating so strongly.
They collapsed onto the bed in a mass of limbs, and he kissed her again. When they came up for air, he looked down into her face, holding her cheeks gently in his palms. "Are you sure?" he asked.
She ran her hands slowly down the length of his sides, and brought them to rest in the small of his back. She drew him nearer, and he knew she could feel just how much he wanted her. She smiled wickedly and her eyes danced with glee.
"Mm," she moaned. She brought one of her hands around and caressed his length. Slowly. Teasingly. "I'm sure."
There was no reason to hold back after that.
"You're so beautiful," he told her.
She smiled and pulled him in for another kiss. Words were unnecessary after that, as Severus spent the evening worshipping her body and savouring her beauty beneath him, above him, all around him.
He'd had sex before, but this was the first time he'd made love to anyone. He was surprised to find such a startling difference. After all, it wasn't like he was a romantic.
They made love several times that night, and when Severus finally drifted off to sleep, it was with the comfort of her soft curves next to him, and with a smile on his face.
***
Severus blinked as the rays of morning light drew him out of sleep. He'd been dreaming - no, he'd been reliving - the events of the night before. He'd enjoyed sex before - after all, what's not to enjoy? But last night was memorable. He hadn't thought he'd ever get over … well, he wouldn't ruin the moment by thinking of someone else. He was going to savour this … whatever it was they had together.
Lucius. Severus couldn’t help but smile at the thought of that arrogant bastard finding out he'd lost his precious trophy to Severus, to a man that would treat her as she deserved to be treated. Lucius was so full of himself, Severus was convinced he wouldn’t know how to make someone happy. Probably didn't care either.
He stretched, feeling more wonderful than he had a right to. He reached for Narcissa, only to find himself alone in the bed.
"Narcissa?" he called.
When she didn't answer, he sat up and saw a piece of parchment on the table. Smiling, wondering what she might have written, he eagerly opened the note.
Dear Severus,
Last night was wonderful, and I will always hold a place in my heart for you.
I'm sure you know as well as I that this can never happen again. Lucius and I are to be married, and he is not the type of man to take kindly to broken promises.
I trust that you, of all people, will understand.
Narcissa
He'd barely finished reading the note when it began to burn before his eyes. He watched it disappear, along with all his hopes about their future together. He felt his heart harden as the parchment disappeared. Every kiss, every touch, every look he remembered seemed to solidify the muscle until it had turned to stone.
First Lily. Now Narcissa. What was it about women that fall for the wrong men? He snorted. Who was he to talk? He'd fallen for the wrong woman - twice. Well … no more. He would never - not ever - let that happen again.
oooOOOooo
The next time he laid eyes on Narcissa, it was at her and Lucius's engagement party. When he received the invitation, Severus's first instinct was to throw it away. His second was to show up and make a spectacular scene. But then he realised that, however much Narcissa may have hurt him - and he'd never be sharing that information with another living soul - she felt obligated to stay with Lucius. Obligation mingled with fear, Severus suspected.
He spent the evening making small talk with the wizards he knew, and avoiding the high society types that were gathered. Excruciating at best, the party was not optional. It wouldn't do to snub the Dark Lord's right hand.
Once he felt that he'd stayed long enough - Lucius and Narcissa were nowhere to be seen, and others were starting to leave - Severus went in search of his cloak. The house-elves were otherwise occupied, so he went to the room where he thought it was.
Only to find himself face-to-face - or rather face-to-naked-arse - with Lucius. Who was currently and rather inelegantly thrusting into a passive Narcissa. Her eyes were distant, and she let out an occasional, methodical moan as Lucius went about his business, oblivious to her disinterest. Severus was struck with the fact that she was simply playing her part. He knew he should leave, but he was transfixed, mesmerised by the scene before him.
Narcissa suddenly noticed Severus's presence, and her eyes went wide. With fear? Embarrassment? Humiliation? He couldn't tell. But when he saw her shake her head slightly, he snapped out of his trance. He turned to leave when Lucius's voice stopped him.
"Well, Severus. Like what you see?" he asked in an amused and smarmy tone.
"I- I didn’t mean to --" Severus stammered. "I'll leave."
"Oh, no need for that, I'm sure," Lucius argued. What? "I've seen how you look at Narcissa. She is beautiful, isn't she?"
Narcissa was struggling to cover herself while Lucius pulled the covers aside to reveal her naked body. Severus averted his eyes.
"Don't be shy, darling," Lucius drawled. "After all, you are beautiful." The way he said the words and the look on his face made Severus want to vomit.
"Look all you want, Severus, but know that she's mine," Lucius said, still viciously holding the covers out of Narcissa's reach. "She belongs to me, don't you dear?"
Severus watched Narcissa's expression falter. And then, as quickly as it had appeared, it was replaced by her usual cool demeanour.
"I'm all yours, Lucius," she responded. Severus heard the lack of conviction in her voice, but Lucius didn't seem bothered.
"Tell you what, Severus." Lucius looked from him to Narcissa and back. He licked his lips, and Severus felt a rush of something as Lucius's look turned predatory. "Why don't you join us?"
Severus's jaw dropped open as he stared, dumbfounded, at Lucius. Was this a test? he wondered. Surely he wasn't offering his future wife to Severus like some sort of possession.
"Just this once," Lucius clarified. "I know you want to. I can tell. This is your chance - your only chance."
"What?" Severus couldn't believe what was happening.
"I said that this is your one chance," he explained. "After all, I don't plan on sharing my wife with anyone."
He was serious!
"No," Severus replied, wishing he'd never come here tonight. No matter what certain parts of his body thought about the offer.
"Come now, Severus," Lucius coaxed. "Surely you don't deny that she's beautiful?"
"No … of course not. But this …" Severus waved his arm weakly towards the bed. "This is private, between the two of you."
Lucius's laugh echoed off the walls. "You didn't seem to think so a few minutes ago."
Severus felt the blood that hadn't pooled in his groin rush to his face. Lucius laughed even harder.
"Narcissa," he directed, "show Severus what he's saying no to."
Severus couldn't look at her, so he remained focussed on Lucius's voice.
"Tell him - no, show him how much you want this."
Severus knew he should leave - get out before it was too late and he couldn't - but he was riveted to the spot. He watched through a haze as Narcissa - beautiful, self-assured, and naked - approached. He looked into her eyes to see if she was trying to convey something, anything to make him stop this, but there was nothing there. No. That's not right. There was actually a little spark there. A familiar spark.
"I do, you know," she whispered, reaching beneath his robes and pressing the palm of her hand to his erection. "Want this, I mean." She grabbed him and gave his hard length a squeeze. She grinned and looked directly into his eyes, and he knew she meant it. He was lost.
"Oh, he wants this too," she said to Lucius, though never taking her eyes - or her hand - off Severus.
"Excellent," Lucius said somewhere in the distance. Severus's entire focus was on the beauty before him, and it didn't take long for lust to overcome whatever reservations or inhibitions he might have had.
The next few hours were a blur as the three of them explored each other's bodies, tongues, teeth and hands everywhere. It was Severus's first time with a man, and his first time with more than one partner. While in the back of his mind he loathed most everything about Lucius, he couldn't deny the man's appeal.
In spite of everything, Severus remained true to himself, not letting emotions cloud his mind. It was carnal, pure and simple. There was no love in the room that night, despite the fact that Narcissa had come alive under his touch. Only later did Severus allow himself to consider that there would probably be no love for Narcissa in her marriage.
***
For weeks afterwards, Severus replayed that night in his mind. He couldn't help but feel that Narcissa was nothing more than a possession to Lucius. But he wouldn't allow himself to care. No. She had chosen her own path, and he would leave her to it.
As Severus reflected on his encounters with Lucius, more specifically the feel of Lucius pounding into him, filling him, he wondered if perhaps there was something to be said for avoiding the fairer sex, at least for the time being. Oh, yes, he might enjoy that very much.
oooOOOooo
"Oh, there's Snivellus!" a familiar and unwelcome voice called from across the street. "So how are things on the dark side?"
Severus looked at Potter, wondering where his sidekicks were. It would be just like him to have them hidden away to jump out at the slightest move by Severus. He had a lot of nerve, the condescending prick. Severus walked away, his hand on his wand, just in case.
"Aw, don't be rude now, Snivelly."
"Fuck you, Potter!" Severus called over his shoulder as he turned down a small alley.
He heard Potter following him and he turned around.
Potter shoved Severus into the wall. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Snivellus?"
Severus turned and glared at Potter, hand clenching his wand. "What?"
"I said you'd like that."
Severus had no idea what the idiot was talking about. But he didn't see any sign of Black or the others. "Like what?" he asked.
Potter stepped closer and leaned in. "You'd like to fuck me, wouldn't you?"
Severus's mouth fell open, and his blood rushed south. Well. That was unexpected. He watched, mortified, as Potter's gaze dropped to his crotch. Potter looked back up, a feral grin plastered on his face.
Severus snapped. Without thinking, he waved his wand and watched with fascination - and pleasure - as Potter's body flew against the brick wall, his arms secured above his head with invisible ties. As Severus dropped his own gaze, he realised that Potter was just as interested in this turn of events as he was. Possibly more. After all, he'd been the one to suggest it.
Severus drew his own eyes up to Potter's face. "So what if I told you I did, Potter? What if I said I wanted to slam you into this wall and pound into you until you screamed?"
Potter's eyes flashed with something familiar, something he'd seen in Lucius's eyes. Lust. Merlin, he really wants this! Severus felt his own erection become almost painfully hard.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Severus taunted, moving closer to Potter. Close enough to touch, but he didn't. Not yet. He waved his wand again, and Potter's body spun around, slamming face first into the wall. Severus could have sworn he heart Potter whimper. Oh, this could be good. Very good.
"You want me to slam into that tight little arse of yours, don't you?"
Another whimper. "Just do it!" Potter shouted.
"Tut, tut, Potter. I want to savour this moment." And savour it he did. He took a last look around for Potter's friends, then put up a Disillusionment Charm so he could take his time. There was still a chance they could be discovered - and wasn’t that a delicious prospect?
Severus took his time, first removing Potter's trousers and pants with a quick flick, then conjuring some lube. No point making it painful, after all. He didn't spend long preparing Potter, however. No point making it too comfortable for him either.
Just the thought of pounding furiously into that tight hole made Severus even harder. So hard he worried that he might not last long. He cast a quick charm on himself - a handy one he'd discovered in some Dark Magic book, then customised in that way he had.
"Yes," he hissed as he felt the charm take hold. He would last long enough to fuck Potter until he couldn't walk.
As he pressed his way past the tight ring of muscle, he heard Potter moan. Wasting no time for the niceties, and having no desire to be gentle, Severus slammed in the rest of the way without warning. He pulled back and thrust in again. And again. And again.
True to his word, Severus fucked Potter until he screamed. And he kept pounding into him long after that. With every thrust, he thought of all the humiliation, the taunts, the hexes, the cruelty. Severus thought of Lily, and how much he loathed Potter for taking away his best friend, the only woman he ever loved. He wanted to hurt him, make a mark on him, rip him in two. Break him.
Holy fuck! he thought as his balls began to tighten. Who knew sex with someone you hate could be this good?
He barely registered that thought before he was coming deep inside Potter, filling him with his spunk.
"Fuck!" Potter cried.
Yeah, Severus thought. Fuck, indeed.
They stood there for a few minutes, Severus pressed against Potter, Potter pressed against the wall. As his breathing returned to normal, Severus withdrew his softening prick, and watched in fascination as the creamy liquid dripped down Potter's legs. He released Potter's bindings and cleaned them both up.
"I always knew you were bent," Potter said, as if he hadn't just had Severus's cock up his arse moments ago.
Severus raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
"I'll give Lily your best, shall I?" Potter taunted. "Oh wait, no." He smirked as he retrieved his wand. "I'll give her my best."
Potter's cruel laughter continued to ring in Severus's ears, long after he'd Apparated away.
oooOOOooo
Throughout the years, Severus had occasion to get close to others, but he chose a more distant existence. Sex for gratification. Not as often as he'd have liked, but it worked for him. It filled in some of the gaping holes of his life. It's not like he had a lot of time anyway, with the war raging on around him now.
His heart had never softened. If anything, it had got a little bit harder with every encounter. He was known for being a bastard, and his reputation had served him well.
But playing both sides of the war for so long had taken its toll. His every move was a lie in some respects. He too had trouble differentiating sometimes.
He'd managed to save Draco last year, despite the boy's attempts to stop him. He'd done it as much for Narcissa as for Draco. And she knew that. Strange how she had been the catalyst for Severus's cold approach to life, and yet … well, he supposed there were a couple of soft spots remaining. But no one needed to know that.
He'd done what the old man had asked him to do, and been rewarded for his service to the Dark Lord. If it weren't for the loss of a great wizard, Severus might have found that amusing.
As he sat in the Headmaster's office, he thought about his life and the man he had become. He wasn't convinced that he liked what he saw. Maybe someday, when this war was over, he would allow himself to move on. Allow himself to feel. Maybe, when all the dust has settled, he could have a real life. Maybe fall in love. Maybe have his love returned.
He eyed the Pensieve on his desk. One more time, he thought.
~ FIN
And here is my Snape-centric contribution to the fest. Hope you enjoy.
Title: In the Shadows
Author: sesheta_66
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Severus/Lily Evans, Severus/Narcissa, Severus/Narcissa/Lucius, Severus/James Potter Sr.
Word Count: 5600
Warning(s): *points to pairings*
Summary: What if your memories are all you have … and even they are in the shadows?
Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction set in the Harry Potter universe - all recognisable characters and settings are the property of J. K. Rowling and her associates. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is made from this work. Please observe your local laws with regards to the age-limit and content of this work.
Lily sat peacefully looking out over the lake as Severus approached. They had met here many times before, though this was the first time he hesitated. Putting one foot in front of the other had suddenly become the most difficult task in the world.
The word echoed in his head - Mudblood - and screamed through the silence between them, reminding him of what he couldn't take back. Could never take back.
"Hey," he ventured as he settled himself beside her. She didn't reply.
They sat in what may have been their first uncomfortable silence. Words failed as fear overwhelmed him. Fear that she wouldn't accept his apology. Fear that he would say something equally or more hurtful. Fear that he'd already damaged their relationship beyond repair.
"Well," he ventured. "I'll take it as a good sign that you haven't hexed me."
"Yet." A hint of a smile slipped through her veneer, and he let out a long breath.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"Can you forgive me?" he asked, unsure if, as undeserving as he may be, he could live without her forgiveness.
"I don't honestly know."
"You know I didn't mean it, right?"
"I'm not so sure, Sev. If you didn't mean it, why would you say it?"
"I was angry," he said honestly. After all, if they couldn't be honest with each other, what sort of friendship did they have?
She looked genuinely confused. "At me?"
He nodded. "I was."
"But I didn't do anything."
"Ah …" He knew she didn't understand. "But you did."
She scowled. "I defended you!"
"Exactly." He watched her expression turn contemplative. "To them," he explained.
"But they needed to be told that they had no right to do that to you."
"Perhaps. But not by you, Lil."
She narrowed her eyes. "But they listen to me."
"That's not the point."
"Then what is the point?" she asked in an exasperated tone. "It's not like they'd listen to you."
"No, but now they think I can't defend myself, and that I need you to fight my battles for me."
Her face softened as she absorbed his words. "Oh."
"Yeah. Oh."
"I won't apologise for doing what was right."
He chuckled. "I know. I wouldn't expect you to. Stubborn Gryffindor."
She swatted him playfully. "Prat."
He nudged her back, glad the tension was gone.
"I won't do it again," she offered.
He nodded. "I really am sorry. I don't think --"
"I know you don't." Her face grew solemn. "But it makes me sad that the words came so easily."
He shrugged. He knew she'd never understand, never appreciate how much his hatred towards his father, and the helplessness he felt at the man's hands, fuelled his choices. He might never be able to tell her.
"If I promise never to say it again --"
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Sev."
"How about this: I promise that if I ever say it to you again, I won't mean it."
"If you ever say it to me again, I don't think I could forgive you."
"Does that mean you forgive me now?" he asked hopefully.
She rolled her eyes as he painted on his most pitiful lost-crup face. "Maybe."
Overwhelmed with relief, he hugged her closely and held on as if she were his lifeline. In a lot of ways, she was. She grounded him, kept his emotions in check, kept him from doing really stupid things.
He released his hold on her after a time, but didn't pull back completely. They sat there, looking into each other's eyes for an eternity that, in reality, was probably less than a minute.
"So we're good?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.
She rested her forehead on his. "We're good."
He smiled and breathed in the scent of her. Letting his lids fall shut, he leaned in and closed the gap.
He had always been afraid before. Truth be told, he was afraid now too. But something about almost losing Lily as a friend - and with that, any hope of ever having more - gave Severus the courage that had eluded him in the past.
When their lips met, he felt a wave of excitement. Whether it was panic at the thought of rejection, or a sense of euphoria at the fact that this was really happening, he couldn't be sure.
His lips pressed against hers for a long moment before he registered two things. One, she wasn't pulling away, and two, she wasn't kissing him back.
Regretfully, he drew back to face her. "I should say that I'm sorry," he told her. "But I'm not."
"You're not?" she asked. He noted that she didn't look upset.
"I've wanted to do that for as long as I can remember."
She raised an eyebrow. "So what took you so long?" She gave him a cheeky wink.
"You mean …?" He didn't dare to expect, but hope welled up inside him.
"Let's try that again, shall we?" Before he registered her words, she leaned in and kissed him. Properly. It was like coming home, only to the type of home he'd never known, but had always longed for.
The kiss lasted forever and not nearly long enough. When their mouths reluctantly withdrew, Severus was surprised that he didn't feel a sense of loss. He supposed the radiant smile on Lily's face had a lot to do with that.
Fuelled with daring he hadn't thought himself capable of, he whispered in her ear. "I love you, Lily Evans."
His heart slowed to nearly a stop as silence rang out. She held him close for the most excruciating few minutes of his life. Stupid, he thought. He shouldn't have pushed it.
He was about to retract the words when she gently pushed him away. "And I love you, Sev."
As he felt his body return to his office, Severus experienced a war of emotions. He was back to reality. Back to face another kind of war. Elation quickly faded to despair.
His mind raced as he fought to regain his equilibrium. He looked at the Pensieve atop his coffee table. Foolish. He cursed himself for succumbing yet again to the memory. A false one, of course, but made so very real, thanks to the Weasley brothers' Daydream Charm. And wasn't that a royal kick in the pants?
Severus recalled the day he'd confiscated the product from a student, chastising him for wasting his money on such a futile pastime. The longer he had possession of it, however, the more tempted Severus had been. It advertised that the user could customise the daydream with his own memories, thereby creating a personal experience. It was ingenious, really. If it worked.
When he'd finally relented, Severus had relived the worst day of his life - well, the aftermath anyway - and had used the daydream to imagine how the events might have played out, had he approached Lily later that afternoon. Something he forever regretted not doing. Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on how one looked at it - the daydream had run its course before anything more than a kiss had happened.
He'd never given in and bought one himself, no matter how strong the temptation. But one thing he couldn't resist was that kiss, that moment in time that had felt so perfect, so right. Probably the only time in his life that ever had. And it wasn't even real.
Whenever his resolve was at its weakest, or he was feeling particularly troubled, he would take out the Pensieve and relive it. Often more than once. It was, after all, the closest he'd ever come to love.
But now he faced reality. He had to stop Draco from making the worst mistake of his life. And he, Severus, in all likelihood, was going to have to kill Albus Dumbledore. The thought sickened him. Methodically, he crossed the room to retrieve a glass and some whiskey. He poured himself three fingers and brought it to his lips. He took a moment to appreciate the hot liquid sliding down his throat, before returning to the sitting area.
He contemplated what his life had become, and wondered - not for the first time - how he'd got to this point. What events had brought him here, and what might he have done differently?
With an abrupt swig, he finished his drink, hissing as the alcohol burned its way down. He placed the empty glass on the table with a thud. He took a deep breath, then leaned in to escape once more.
oooOOOooo
Severus paced his rooms, robes billowing as he walked, swirling as he changed direction. The boy was infuriating. Maddening! After all these years, after everything he'd done for him, that little brat had the nerve … the audacity! The way he'd spoken to Severus with such disrespect …
Bang! The room reverberated with the sound of his fist meeting his desk. This was too much. It was all just too much. Severus was playing both sides, and as if that weren't enough, now he had each side pulling at him even more.
It was suffocating. He had nothing of his own, not really. He'd spent his entire adult life in the service of someone or other. Most of it in the service of two opposing sides. And for what? To what end? His ideals hadn't changed, not really. He still believed in the supremacy of wizards. After all, his own Muggle father had been nothing but a vindictive, pathetic excuse for a human being.
The Dark Lord's father was no better, abandoning his pregnant wife at the first opportunity, and leaving his son to grow up in an orphanage. Oh, Severus didn't pretend that he agreed with the Dark Lord's methods, or his own brand of cruelty, but at least he'd come by it honestly.
Even Potter - precious Potter - had had a taste of life with abusive Muggles. How on earth he'd ended up buying into that manipulative old man's drivel was beyond Severus. He chalked it up to the stupidity and arrogance no doubt passed down by the boy's father.
Potter's mother, however, was another story. Merlin, how Severus had loved Lily. "And look where that got you," he said scathingly to the empty room. "She's dead and you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Both of which are currently pressing in with alarming pressure."
But Draco … there was no excuse. His father had placed him directly in harm's way, and - as arrogant as Lucius - the boy was too blind to see just how impossible his assignment was. Once again, Severus found himself wondering how he'd got where he was, how he'd become the key to the boy's survival.
"Narcissa," he said to the room, laughing aloud at his musings. He couldn't refuse her anything, and she knew it. He smiled wryly as he recalled the look of shock on Bellatrix's face when he'd agreed to an Unbreakable Vow. Well, he thought, clearly she didn't know.
oooOOOooo
Severus had been recruited by the Dark Lord several months earlier, barely of age, and it was the first time he was to attend a meeting of the inner circle. Only it hadn't quite worked out the way he'd envisioned.
He could still smell the acrid scent of his burning flesh, and it was all he could do not to be sick. The Dark Lord had branded him, then banished him from the room while the others celebrated.
"How are you feeling?" a soft voice asked.
Severus groaned, surprised he was capable of that after his recent guttural screaming.
"Here. Drink this," she said, offering him a glass of water. He took a large gulp and felt icy wetness coat his insides. She led him to a sofa. As he sat down, he felt suddenly drained. Not water, then. He wanted to ask what was in the glass, but couldn't. He toyed momentarily with the thought that he'd been poisoned, but as he lost consciousness, he saw the soft blue eyes of an angel.
He woke later to find a tray of sandwiches and a glass of … well, he didn't know what. A house-elf jumped at his sudden movement.
"Oh, you is awake!" the squeaky voice announced, quite unnecessarily. "I is getting Miss Narcissa now. She is wanting to know when you is waking up." With a pop, the creature disappeared.
By the time Severus managed to sit up, the angel had returned. He vaguely recalled her from school, only she had been ahead of him.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Like I'm being readied for slaughter," he quipped.
She tilted her head, giving him a curious look.
"You know." He held up his tender and swollen arm. "Now I'm branded."
Her eyes went huge for the briefest of moments, clearly shocked that he'd said the words. "I'm sure you don't really feel that way."
Suddenly all too aware that he should be more careful, he replied with as casual a voice as he could muster, "Of course not."
His concern didn't escape her notice. She chuckled quietly. "Don't worry. They've all gone."
He nodded, grateful that she didn't seem to be judging him.
"We haven't formally met. I'm Narcissa." She held out a soft, manicured hand. "I volunteered to look after you."
And for the next two days, she did just that.
***
It was months later when he saw her again - on the arm of Lucius Malfoy. Unfortunate, he thought. Narcissa was a beauty, to be sure, but more than that, she had a softness beneath her cool veneer. A softness he suspected very few people had seen. It was something Severus was certain that Lucius Malfoy could never appreciate, and certainly didn't deserve. Sure, he was rich, powerful, and attractive, but he was also cruel, and Severus suspected he was incapable of love.
Severus laughed at himself, wondering when he had developed such a weakness. He found himself thinking of Lily, another woman who deserved far better than the man she was with. Shaking his head clear of those thoughts, he focussed instead on Narcissa.
Severus clutched his drink as she approached. "Careful," she said quietly. "People might think we're in love."
Severus gaped at her before he registered the playful look in her eyes. "Very funny," he drawled.
She winked at him. "The look on your face certainly was."
***
"Watch where you're going," Severus growled. He was looking for some more questionable potions ingredients in Knockturn Alley and he'd just run head-long into someone who clearly wasn't watching where they were going.
"I could say the same to you," came a haughty reply. Severus's head shot up at the sound of the voice.
"Narcissa?"
"Severus?"
"Fancy running into you like this," she joked.
He rolled his eyes. "You realise that wasn't funny, right?"
"But you're smiling," she pointed out.
His grin broadened. "It would appear that I am." You make it easy for me to smile. He kept that latter thought to himself.
He helped her retrieve the parcel she had dropped and apologised. "How about I make it up to you by buying you a drink?" he offered.
She looked contemplative, as though searching for a graceful way to get out of it.
"Never mind," he said. "I'm sure you have plans." With Lucius, no doubt. Lucky bastard.
"As it so happens, I have no pressing engagement tonight." She smiled coyly before adding, "I'm all yours."
Surely that wasn't … she didn't mean … no. Of course not.
"You really ought to stop doing that, Severus."
"What's that?" What was she talking about?
"Thinking things through too much. Just relax. Let yourself go with the moment."
"Very well, then. Have dinner with me."
She smiled. "I'd be delighted to."
Two hours later, as they stumbled into a rented room of a not-so-upscale-but-not-quite-dodgy hotel near the restaurant, Severus had taken her suggestion to heart.
He clicked the door shut, and his heart began hammering a rapid rhythm in his chest. What was he doing? She was with Lucius!
"Kiss me."
All thoughts of Lucius - and everything else - flew from his mind as he granted her request.
Her lips were at once soft but demanding, and he felt all his worries fade. His heart was attempting to escape his chest, it was beating so strongly.
They collapsed onto the bed in a mass of limbs, and he kissed her again. When they came up for air, he looked down into her face, holding her cheeks gently in his palms. "Are you sure?" he asked.
She ran her hands slowly down the length of his sides, and brought them to rest in the small of his back. She drew him nearer, and he knew she could feel just how much he wanted her. She smiled wickedly and her eyes danced with glee.
"Mm," she moaned. She brought one of her hands around and caressed his length. Slowly. Teasingly. "I'm sure."
There was no reason to hold back after that.
"You're so beautiful," he told her.
She smiled and pulled him in for another kiss. Words were unnecessary after that, as Severus spent the evening worshipping her body and savouring her beauty beneath him, above him, all around him.
He'd had sex before, but this was the first time he'd made love to anyone. He was surprised to find such a startling difference. After all, it wasn't like he was a romantic.
They made love several times that night, and when Severus finally drifted off to sleep, it was with the comfort of her soft curves next to him, and with a smile on his face.
***
Severus blinked as the rays of morning light drew him out of sleep. He'd been dreaming - no, he'd been reliving - the events of the night before. He'd enjoyed sex before - after all, what's not to enjoy? But last night was memorable. He hadn't thought he'd ever get over … well, he wouldn't ruin the moment by thinking of someone else. He was going to savour this … whatever it was they had together.
Lucius. Severus couldn’t help but smile at the thought of that arrogant bastard finding out he'd lost his precious trophy to Severus, to a man that would treat her as she deserved to be treated. Lucius was so full of himself, Severus was convinced he wouldn’t know how to make someone happy. Probably didn't care either.
He stretched, feeling more wonderful than he had a right to. He reached for Narcissa, only to find himself alone in the bed.
"Narcissa?" he called.
When she didn't answer, he sat up and saw a piece of parchment on the table. Smiling, wondering what she might have written, he eagerly opened the note.
Dear Severus,
Last night was wonderful, and I will always hold a place in my heart for you.
I'm sure you know as well as I that this can never happen again. Lucius and I are to be married, and he is not the type of man to take kindly to broken promises.
I trust that you, of all people, will understand.
Narcissa
He'd barely finished reading the note when it began to burn before his eyes. He watched it disappear, along with all his hopes about their future together. He felt his heart harden as the parchment disappeared. Every kiss, every touch, every look he remembered seemed to solidify the muscle until it had turned to stone.
First Lily. Now Narcissa. What was it about women that fall for the wrong men? He snorted. Who was he to talk? He'd fallen for the wrong woman - twice. Well … no more. He would never - not ever - let that happen again.
oooOOOooo
The next time he laid eyes on Narcissa, it was at her and Lucius's engagement party. When he received the invitation, Severus's first instinct was to throw it away. His second was to show up and make a spectacular scene. But then he realised that, however much Narcissa may have hurt him - and he'd never be sharing that information with another living soul - she felt obligated to stay with Lucius. Obligation mingled with fear, Severus suspected.
He spent the evening making small talk with the wizards he knew, and avoiding the high society types that were gathered. Excruciating at best, the party was not optional. It wouldn't do to snub the Dark Lord's right hand.
Once he felt that he'd stayed long enough - Lucius and Narcissa were nowhere to be seen, and others were starting to leave - Severus went in search of his cloak. The house-elves were otherwise occupied, so he went to the room where he thought it was.
Only to find himself face-to-face - or rather face-to-naked-arse - with Lucius. Who was currently and rather inelegantly thrusting into a passive Narcissa. Her eyes were distant, and she let out an occasional, methodical moan as Lucius went about his business, oblivious to her disinterest. Severus was struck with the fact that she was simply playing her part. He knew he should leave, but he was transfixed, mesmerised by the scene before him.
Narcissa suddenly noticed Severus's presence, and her eyes went wide. With fear? Embarrassment? Humiliation? He couldn't tell. But when he saw her shake her head slightly, he snapped out of his trance. He turned to leave when Lucius's voice stopped him.
"Well, Severus. Like what you see?" he asked in an amused and smarmy tone.
"I- I didn’t mean to --" Severus stammered. "I'll leave."
"Oh, no need for that, I'm sure," Lucius argued. What? "I've seen how you look at Narcissa. She is beautiful, isn't she?"
Narcissa was struggling to cover herself while Lucius pulled the covers aside to reveal her naked body. Severus averted his eyes.
"Don't be shy, darling," Lucius drawled. "After all, you are beautiful." The way he said the words and the look on his face made Severus want to vomit.
"Look all you want, Severus, but know that she's mine," Lucius said, still viciously holding the covers out of Narcissa's reach. "She belongs to me, don't you dear?"
Severus watched Narcissa's expression falter. And then, as quickly as it had appeared, it was replaced by her usual cool demeanour.
"I'm all yours, Lucius," she responded. Severus heard the lack of conviction in her voice, but Lucius didn't seem bothered.
"Tell you what, Severus." Lucius looked from him to Narcissa and back. He licked his lips, and Severus felt a rush of something as Lucius's look turned predatory. "Why don't you join us?"
Severus's jaw dropped open as he stared, dumbfounded, at Lucius. Was this a test? he wondered. Surely he wasn't offering his future wife to Severus like some sort of possession.
"Just this once," Lucius clarified. "I know you want to. I can tell. This is your chance - your only chance."
"What?" Severus couldn't believe what was happening.
"I said that this is your one chance," he explained. "After all, I don't plan on sharing my wife with anyone."
He was serious!
"No," Severus replied, wishing he'd never come here tonight. No matter what certain parts of his body thought about the offer.
"Come now, Severus," Lucius coaxed. "Surely you don't deny that she's beautiful?"
"No … of course not. But this …" Severus waved his arm weakly towards the bed. "This is private, between the two of you."
Lucius's laugh echoed off the walls. "You didn't seem to think so a few minutes ago."
Severus felt the blood that hadn't pooled in his groin rush to his face. Lucius laughed even harder.
"Narcissa," he directed, "show Severus what he's saying no to."
Severus couldn't look at her, so he remained focussed on Lucius's voice.
"Tell him - no, show him how much you want this."
Severus knew he should leave - get out before it was too late and he couldn't - but he was riveted to the spot. He watched through a haze as Narcissa - beautiful, self-assured, and naked - approached. He looked into her eyes to see if she was trying to convey something, anything to make him stop this, but there was nothing there. No. That's not right. There was actually a little spark there. A familiar spark.
"I do, you know," she whispered, reaching beneath his robes and pressing the palm of her hand to his erection. "Want this, I mean." She grabbed him and gave his hard length a squeeze. She grinned and looked directly into his eyes, and he knew she meant it. He was lost.
"Oh, he wants this too," she said to Lucius, though never taking her eyes - or her hand - off Severus.
"Excellent," Lucius said somewhere in the distance. Severus's entire focus was on the beauty before him, and it didn't take long for lust to overcome whatever reservations or inhibitions he might have had.
The next few hours were a blur as the three of them explored each other's bodies, tongues, teeth and hands everywhere. It was Severus's first time with a man, and his first time with more than one partner. While in the back of his mind he loathed most everything about Lucius, he couldn't deny the man's appeal.
In spite of everything, Severus remained true to himself, not letting emotions cloud his mind. It was carnal, pure and simple. There was no love in the room that night, despite the fact that Narcissa had come alive under his touch. Only later did Severus allow himself to consider that there would probably be no love for Narcissa in her marriage.
***
For weeks afterwards, Severus replayed that night in his mind. He couldn't help but feel that Narcissa was nothing more than a possession to Lucius. But he wouldn't allow himself to care. No. She had chosen her own path, and he would leave her to it.
As Severus reflected on his encounters with Lucius, more specifically the feel of Lucius pounding into him, filling him, he wondered if perhaps there was something to be said for avoiding the fairer sex, at least for the time being. Oh, yes, he might enjoy that very much.
oooOOOooo
"Oh, there's Snivellus!" a familiar and unwelcome voice called from across the street. "So how are things on the dark side?"
Severus looked at Potter, wondering where his sidekicks were. It would be just like him to have them hidden away to jump out at the slightest move by Severus. He had a lot of nerve, the condescending prick. Severus walked away, his hand on his wand, just in case.
"Aw, don't be rude now, Snivelly."
"Fuck you, Potter!" Severus called over his shoulder as he turned down a small alley.
He heard Potter following him and he turned around.
Potter shoved Severus into the wall. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Snivellus?"
Severus turned and glared at Potter, hand clenching his wand. "What?"
"I said you'd like that."
Severus had no idea what the idiot was talking about. But he didn't see any sign of Black or the others. "Like what?" he asked.
Potter stepped closer and leaned in. "You'd like to fuck me, wouldn't you?"
Severus's mouth fell open, and his blood rushed south. Well. That was unexpected. He watched, mortified, as Potter's gaze dropped to his crotch. Potter looked back up, a feral grin plastered on his face.
Severus snapped. Without thinking, he waved his wand and watched with fascination - and pleasure - as Potter's body flew against the brick wall, his arms secured above his head with invisible ties. As Severus dropped his own gaze, he realised that Potter was just as interested in this turn of events as he was. Possibly more. After all, he'd been the one to suggest it.
Severus drew his own eyes up to Potter's face. "So what if I told you I did, Potter? What if I said I wanted to slam you into this wall and pound into you until you screamed?"
Potter's eyes flashed with something familiar, something he'd seen in Lucius's eyes. Lust. Merlin, he really wants this! Severus felt his own erection become almost painfully hard.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Severus taunted, moving closer to Potter. Close enough to touch, but he didn't. Not yet. He waved his wand again, and Potter's body spun around, slamming face first into the wall. Severus could have sworn he heart Potter whimper. Oh, this could be good. Very good.
"You want me to slam into that tight little arse of yours, don't you?"
Another whimper. "Just do it!" Potter shouted.
"Tut, tut, Potter. I want to savour this moment." And savour it he did. He took a last look around for Potter's friends, then put up a Disillusionment Charm so he could take his time. There was still a chance they could be discovered - and wasn’t that a delicious prospect?
Severus took his time, first removing Potter's trousers and pants with a quick flick, then conjuring some lube. No point making it painful, after all. He didn't spend long preparing Potter, however. No point making it too comfortable for him either.
Just the thought of pounding furiously into that tight hole made Severus even harder. So hard he worried that he might not last long. He cast a quick charm on himself - a handy one he'd discovered in some Dark Magic book, then customised in that way he had.
"Yes," he hissed as he felt the charm take hold. He would last long enough to fuck Potter until he couldn't walk.
As he pressed his way past the tight ring of muscle, he heard Potter moan. Wasting no time for the niceties, and having no desire to be gentle, Severus slammed in the rest of the way without warning. He pulled back and thrust in again. And again. And again.
True to his word, Severus fucked Potter until he screamed. And he kept pounding into him long after that. With every thrust, he thought of all the humiliation, the taunts, the hexes, the cruelty. Severus thought of Lily, and how much he loathed Potter for taking away his best friend, the only woman he ever loved. He wanted to hurt him, make a mark on him, rip him in two. Break him.
Holy fuck! he thought as his balls began to tighten. Who knew sex with someone you hate could be this good?
He barely registered that thought before he was coming deep inside Potter, filling him with his spunk.
"Fuck!" Potter cried.
Yeah, Severus thought. Fuck, indeed.
They stood there for a few minutes, Severus pressed against Potter, Potter pressed against the wall. As his breathing returned to normal, Severus withdrew his softening prick, and watched in fascination as the creamy liquid dripped down Potter's legs. He released Potter's bindings and cleaned them both up.
"I always knew you were bent," Potter said, as if he hadn't just had Severus's cock up his arse moments ago.
Severus raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
"I'll give Lily your best, shall I?" Potter taunted. "Oh wait, no." He smirked as he retrieved his wand. "I'll give her my best."
Potter's cruel laughter continued to ring in Severus's ears, long after he'd Apparated away.
oooOOOooo
Throughout the years, Severus had occasion to get close to others, but he chose a more distant existence. Sex for gratification. Not as often as he'd have liked, but it worked for him. It filled in some of the gaping holes of his life. It's not like he had a lot of time anyway, with the war raging on around him now.
His heart had never softened. If anything, it had got a little bit harder with every encounter. He was known for being a bastard, and his reputation had served him well.
But playing both sides of the war for so long had taken its toll. His every move was a lie in some respects. He too had trouble differentiating sometimes.
He'd managed to save Draco last year, despite the boy's attempts to stop him. He'd done it as much for Narcissa as for Draco. And she knew that. Strange how she had been the catalyst for Severus's cold approach to life, and yet … well, he supposed there were a couple of soft spots remaining. But no one needed to know that.
He'd done what the old man had asked him to do, and been rewarded for his service to the Dark Lord. If it weren't for the loss of a great wizard, Severus might have found that amusing.
As he sat in the Headmaster's office, he thought about his life and the man he had become. He wasn't convinced that he liked what he saw. Maybe someday, when this war was over, he would allow himself to move on. Allow himself to feel. Maybe, when all the dust has settled, he could have a real life. Maybe fall in love. Maybe have his love returned.
He eyed the Pensieve on his desk. One more time, he thought.
~ FIN