Present for bookaddict43

Jan 13, 2010 15:36

FIC: Quid pro quo
Author: Ann
Fandom: Firefly
Warnings and Pairings: angst (spoilery warnings, highlight to read) character death, Simon/Jayne
Rating: NC17

Completed Serenity santa fic for bookaddict43

Summary: They blame him, Jayne knows it. Only reason they’re not saying it is because it comes and goes, doesn’t sit well with any of them to blame for stray truths, though Jayne knows Simon’s not holding back his words and thoughts on the matter

Translations in mouseover.

Thank you to both lvs2read and dergerm for the great betas.



You did this.

Jayne doesn’t hear the words, but it still feels like they‘ve been said, that their presence is still there. He doesn’t need a Reader to tell him, which is lucky in all manner of irony. He can feel how tetchy and wound up the crew still are, getting all stiff and quiet, especially when the doc’s around.

It’s your fault.

They blame him, Jayne knows it. Only reason they’re not saying it is because it comes and goes, doesn’t sit well with any of them to blame for stray truths, though Jayne knows Simon’s not holding back his words and thoughts on the matter. Rest of the crew though…Oh, they’re good, gorram good at hiding them away, but Mal’s still got that twitch that says he’s got something hidden that wants saying. Zoe’s got a look about her that makes Jayne uneasy, keeping Binky close, and Kaylee just keeps staring, heart on her sleeve, hand over her mouth when she catches herself saying the wrong thing. Shame Simon doesn’t listen when they tell him he’s wrong to be blaming so much.

Jayne’s not sure what this is, not sure why Simon’s acting so feng le; crazy for him, anyhow. Jayne’s sure on that. Seems he knows the doc better than Simon knows hisself, because the doc keeps on coming back and Jayne’s not cutting him down anymore. Jayne’s not sure what he's done to deserve this, but Simon’s got his own opinions on that. Doc’s got no problem letting his tongue loose and pointing blame but he’s not sharing on this. Making Jayne guess instead.

He grits his teeth as his bunk’s opened, Simon’s not giving Jayne the politeness he used to-- useless fancy manners that Jayne used to ruttin’ hate, but are even more annoying when he finds himself missing them. He’s got his back to Simon, not the way the doc likes it but Jayne’s not sure how much longer he wants to keep playing this game. Not that he says anything when Simon steps behind him.

“Jayne.”

He gorram hates this; the steadiness of Simon's voice. No, the doc's voice. Not Simons. Even more so, Jayne hates how he’s turning around to face Simon, giving the man what he wants. He closes his eyes for a moment. Gorram it, but he wants this. Broke as Simon is and broke as Simon’s gonna make everyone else, Jayne wants this.

Simon’s hands are skilled, used to holding delicate instruments, and Jayne’s got no delicate instrument, but Simon’s hand fits over it just fine, stroking and jerking and making Jayne’s knees buckle that little bit.

He looks down as Simon drops to his knees, keeps one hand on the side of his bunk, keeping himself upright as Simon stares up at him. Simon never loses that intense look of concentration, like Jayne is all he’s seeing and,ma de, Jayne can’t remember the last person that had him close to cumming so quick. Simon’s got a talented mouth, too, and he’s putting it to good use, tongue and the slightest edge of teeth making Jayne’s breath hitch.

The doc's a rutting genius, Jayne’s happy to admit that, even though he’s not sure just how Simon manages to get him off so damn quick. Jayne feels himself tense, willing himself to last longer though his body‘s not listening; heat flushes through him, his fists clenching and body shuddering as Simon swallows around his cock. It’s over too fast for Jayne’s liking, so damn fast his cock’s still hard and now smarting as Simon sucks around it. He grunts and the next moment Simon lets his cock be, Jayne sinking down onto his bed. He’s the one looking at Simon now, feeling uncomfortable and stupid as he always does when Simon comes to him, teases him with a taster that‘s almost too much as it is. Simon looks calm enough but he’s taken a step back, not close enough for Jayne to grasp and Jayne knows that’s deliberate. He’s tried touching Simon afterwards before. Doc’s more skittish then his sister ever was, and nowhere near as vocal about it.

Jayne’s not sure Simon’s all there anymore, he’s just surprised Simon’s not gone completely crazy by now; they’ve all been waiting for it, been waiting for something. ‘Cept, to everyone else, Simon’s just gone back to being the doc, patching crew up and fussing in the infirmary. Least that’s what Jayne thinks, anyhow. Crew, what’s left of them anyhow, knows he’s grieving, never shutting up about blame and fault, and cutting himself up inside over it. But he’s still being the doc, which is why Jayne reckons they don’t know about this side of Simon, about Simon servicing him, wanting it as much as Jayne does. They don’t know Simon’s been coming to him for this. If they did, Jayne has no doubt Mal’d have him out that airlock, thinking he pressed the doc into it; taking advantage of him . Jayne doesn’t sit well with the belief, ain’t like he’s not had a chance at Simon before. He’s sure on that. Least he thinks he is. Sometimes he wonders.

He watches as Simon adjusts his rumpled clothes and wipes his mouth with a hanky, bending over the sink to rinse out his mouth, habit he likes to do before he leaves the bunk. Jayne’s not sure where Simon’s going next; he could be servicing the whole crew like this, though Jayne doubts it. Jayne thinks there's just something about him, something that the doc was needing, that made Simon choose him . Would'a made Jayne feel smug a time ago; getting the doc’s attention, his mouth and hands around his cock. Seeing the prissy Core boy on his knees.

Doesn’t feel like blame though, which Jayne’s happy enough about -- he doesn’t mix play with punishment. S’more Inara’s game, maybe Mal’s too, Jayne reckons. It’s not Simon’s either, doc’s not in it wanting pain or to make up for something Jayne’s not seeing. Much as this doesn’t seem like Simon, a part of Jayne isn’t all that surprised. Seems sensible to Jayne, the best thing to do. The doc wants something different, wants rutting, maybe woulda even tried drinking instead if Kaylee had any brew left. He wants anything that makes him forget who he is for a time.

Makes him forget what he’s done.

It’s what Simon need right now, to forget.

Sub-somethin’ or t’other. Fancy ass name half of us couldn’t even keep straight.

The words come to his mind, still not right as they should be, but Jayne’s never held onto long, boring words too long. He knows it’s not something that Simon’s going to forget, though; man just keeps distracting himself in the hopes of it. Doesn’t seem to be working too well though, Simon’s been to him almost every day the last two weeks, lot more than he used to. Jayne’s almost got used to it. Almost. He could easily be sexing with the doc, but it doesn’t sit well to him to be touched and not give back; one thing Jayne lets himself be smug about are his skills at play, not being able to give back makes him feel pretty useless.

“Simon.”

Jayne’s suddenly standing, cock still half-hanging out his pants and Simon takes an age to turn to him, his eyebrow quirked. But Jayne’s not got the words, not sure what to say.

What did do you say to someone whose whole damn life had turned over? Someone who you didn’t even like six months ago, and someone who’s sister you couldn’t give a damn about anyhow?

Twelve days.

It had taken twelve days for River to die. Fancy brain thing killing her slowly, never letting her wake up. Jayne had taken enough hits to the head to know that wasn’t meant to happen, ‘cept River’s brain had already been broken, getting it broke some more just made it stay broke. And tore Simon to shreds.

Jayne never saw anyone try so much, keep pushing himself with ideas. Cutting River open and sewing her back up, going in an’ trying to fix her each time something else went wrong. ‘til she wasn’t River anymore, wasn’t anything, only the doctoring keeping her alive.

Twelve days she lay broken and Jayne watched Simon break a bit each day that she lay there, ‘til he was glad she finally gave up, her body too broken to work. Too broken for Simon to fix, too damaged to be saved and the doc blamed himself for it.

Gorram girl hadn’t even been able to open her eyes in the end, and Jayne knew she wouldn’t have said the words anyway. Wouldn’t have laid fault on Simon. It hadn’t mattered though, Simon had done that himself and said it often enough. None of the crew thought it, not truly, but Jayne couldn’t deny he’d seen like Simon had. Seen the blame there for a minute in the crews eyes and seen Simon get lost in it ‘til he closed off and started blaming himself more.

Simon’s opening his mouth now and Jayne doesn’t think on clever words, he just says them. “Can’t say I liked your sister.”

Simon blinks, stunned at Jayne’s words, but he’s not turning away and, for a moment, Jayne sees something that’s not been there for a long while, so he keeps on.

“Crazy cut me up, got us worked over by Alliance and Reavers, and even put a tray to my face.” Jayne presses a hand to his jaw at the memory. “So I can’t say I liked her. But she did good. Got us finding that message, got us doing something right; ‘bout the only real right thing I ever done.” He pauses a moment, his eyes on Simon’s, hand reaching out to squeeze, mayhap a tad harder then he’d intended, but the words hadn’t been planned and surprised him too. “An’ I’m sorry, Simon.”

Jayne half expects Simon to punch him, even if the doc doesn’t usually hold to that behavior. Hell, he probably would have himself if Simon had been the one saying words about Mattie or his ma. Worse was the look that swept over Simon’s face, creepy look like he weren’t sure which to do -- laugh or cry. Laughing, Jayne could hold happy to, could feel relieved hearing the doc sound normal again. Crying…Jayne didn’t do that with no one, ‘cept his ma when Mattie got sick the first time. He didn’t do well with it, said the wrong words and felt like running when the tears came.

So he holds true to Simon’s idea on distracting, steps close and kisses the doc full on the lips. Simon doesn’t do much, still holds himself rigid for a moment or two, and Jayne doesn’t push him. Just stays with his lips pressed to Simon’s, mouth open enough in an invitation that Simon doesn’t wait long to take. Then Simon’s tongue is in his mouth, kiss desperate and hard with an edge of force that Jayne approves of.

Kissing doesn’t usually suit Jayne, but with Simon it’s not enough. It’ll do for now, having Simon press so close and kiss so hard, but Jayne’s not doing the one-sided play no more. He searches for words to say as Simon abruptly pulls away, his eyes meeting Jayne’s. A whole bunch of stuff showing on his face that Jayne doesn’t want to understand.

Least not yet.

“Thought you never kiss on the mouth.” It’s not a question and Simon just sounds tired to Jayne’s ears. Tired, but more like himself than Jayne’s seen in months. Not just the doc, not just River’s brother: Simon’s there again and Jayne finds himself grinning in response.

“Lotta things bet you never thought I’d do, Doc.”

The words come naturally and Jayne’s grin only grows as Simon laughs. It’s short and harsh, but gorram genuine, and Jayne’s finds that he’s missed it.

End

Hope you enjoyed it hon. Also http://www.sendspace.com/file/4u9yae Here are some small pics I tried my hand at making into icons, I uploaded them.

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