Eyeliner and Cigarettes [Two]
It had been 9 weeks since the conception, 2 weeks since he informed Frank, 13 days since he changed publishers. Frank never called him about the matter. Sure, Gerard had been the one to decided to pull away from the younger man, and he expected Frank to be silently upset for a few days but as the 2 week mark approached, he figured there would be no call. At first he was able to distract himself from the fact that he was fucking furious that his former (boyfriend? best friend? baby daddy?) had no intention of checking up on him. He immersed himself into helping Mikey with the final preparations of his wedding which was the next weekend. Helping with preparations wasn't really the phrase as opposed to unnecessarily arranging and rearranging the seating chart. After the final fitting 3 days earlier, where he realized his slim fit tux was too tight, he locked himself in his apartment and completely gave up on the seating chart.
Gerard's laptop sat in his lap, crumbs dropping onto it from the box of Cheez-Its he was inhaling. Since the fitting he had been watching Asian dramas for hours at a time. It was getting to the point where he swore he could actually understand what they were saying. "Fuck you, Ji Cun Xi," he mumbled under his breath as he shoved another handful of food into his mouth. Why he had chosen a show with a pregnant lead character was still a mystery to him even though he was 12 episodes in. In a way, he guessed it was because he related to the main character who was under contract to give her baby up right after birth. The only difference was that Gerard was voluntarily giving his child away.
Alicia had been overly excited that she was going to mother a child by the end of the year and had taken on baby preparations along with the wedding. Gerard wasn't sure if he could still agree to go through with everything. He wasn't stupid; he knew he would probably have the sadness of giving his child away over his head for the rest of his life. But now his child would be right there with his brother. He would visit Mikey and it would be there. Mikey would visit him and it would be with him. He would call Mikey and it would be in the background crying or laughing. Really, the idea was more painful than handing off his kid to a stranger.
Normally, his brother would know at that point, for him expressing his concerns or from Mikey's accurate observations, but he hadn't really spoken to Mikey in a week. Mikey had work prior to the final fitting and hadn't arrived before Gerard had his meltdown and ran back home to wallow in his weight-gaining misery. The soon-to-be-married man had practically moved in with his almost-wife and had come over every few days to grab some more of his things (evident to Gerard by the growing emptiness of the apartment). Gerard understood that his brother was stressed out and busy, but it still didn't change the fact that he felt lonelier each day knowing that he would be on his own again.
He paused the Taiwanese drama and looked around his small bedroom trying to find something to distract him from the nicotine craving he constantly had since he wasn't smoking packs a day anymore. Of all these he ever had to give up, smoking has proved to be the hardest as it was really the only vice he had left. When Mikey had been around he could had made it through a whole week without a cigarette, and the moment Mikey announced that he would be spending most of his sleep time at Alicia's Gerard had gone back to two cigarettes a day. The sensible part of him made him feel the obvious guilt, but the selfish part reminded him everyday that technically the thing inside of him was not his.
A few minutes later, Gerard found himself sitting on the stoop of the apartment building, cigarette in hand. Pedestrians walking by didn't give him a second glance, but he couldn't help but feel that they all knew what was growing inside of him. How could someone be so selfish as to harm an innocent child? ShutUpShutUpShutUp.
"I haven't said anything and you're already shutting me up? Good to know I'm welcome."
He didn't even have to look up to know who was standing before him. For once, he wasn't concerned over the fact that his big mouth had expressed his thoughts unconsciously. No, what he was feeling most was fear.
When seeing Frank again, Gerard had imagined himself coolly telling the publisher that nothing he would say could change his decision. His heart would totally not beat like crazy, and he wouldn't feel like crying or demanding why Frank hadn't called. All he really wanted to do was run, which was his trademark.
Frank casually sat by the older man, removing the cigarette from his hand and taking a drag. "Haven't seen you for a while… how have you been?"
Gerard started at the publisher in disbelief. "You haven't called… if you had called you would know how I've been. Do you really expect for me to just act like nothing happened when you finally visit?"
"You think too much of yourself. I wouldn't come all the way out to New Jersey to see a pissed off fat guy; I have work to do out here." The words flowed out his mouth as if he was commenting on the weather. This wasn't the man Gerard had spent 4 years realizing his dream with.
Gerard did what he did best. Ran from the situation.
*~*~*~*~*
Mikey had left a message on Gerard's phone, telling him that he would be over in the morning to pick up what was left of his things. He had asked the older brother to roundup anything Mikey left behind so he could get back to the final preparations, but of course he didn't. He had barely finished his bowl of oatmeal when Mikey stepped into the apartment carrying a couple of plastic containers.
"Y'know, I asked you to collect my things so it would be easier, and I wouldn't have to hunt for them myself so I can get back to the chapel." Mikey once again proved that he could read Gerard better than anyone as he was already lecturing after he closed the front door. Anyone on the outside would probably look at them and peg him as the older caring brother. Even though Gerard had told their parents that he would take care of Mikey when he first moved in, they both knew it would be the other way around.
It was amazing how fast the younger brother could pack when he was in a hurry. He hadn't said anything else to Gerard since he first came in, which made him feel odd. MIkey always could identify that something was wrong from just being in the same building as him, but he hadn't even spared a glance. After ten minutes of silence, Gerard started to follow his brother around like a child trailing behind their parent.
"I know what you're thinking, and I know that if I ask you anything you'll say 'I don't want to talk about it'. You tell me when you're ready which will probably be at 4am the day of the wedding. Am I right?" He smirked at the pregnant man.
Gerard frowned and dipped his head. "So now you're even predicting when I tell you something? You make me feel like I'm too predictable.
"Because you are," Mikey's hands came to rest at his hips. "You're almost predictable in every aspect of your life except your writing. I could tell you everything you're thinking right now, but when I read your novels I completely forget that the author is someone I've known my whole life. It's obvious from your expression and quietness that you saw Frank recently. And knowing you, he said something to you and you didn't face it. I know you want me to sit down and think of a solution like I always do, but I can't right now, Gee. You know I love you more than anything, but I'm getting married. My number one priority for a while will be my wife and in about 7 months I'll be taking care of a baby. You have the ability to find a solution. Just… act like my big brother for once and help me out here."
The silent argument that followed proved more futile than usual to Gerard. Mikey had always told him how expressive he was and how he could win over anyone with a look.
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm not "doing" anything. I'm telling you the situation, and how it would be best for me.
You're being selfish.
I learned from the best.
*~*~*~*~*
Mikey's wedding went on without a best man. Well, at least the original one, Gerard figured someone like Pete or Gabe would step up to the job when they realized he wasn't there. He didn't really consciously decided to skip his brother's wedding that morning; he had previously thought of it as selfish revenge but didn't plan on enacting it until he felt the overwhelming morning sickness.
Even though he was very well aware of the life inside of him, the author had been trying his hardest to almost ignore all the signs and symptoms. In fact, he would probably still be in deep denial if it wasn't for Mik- …his former roommate. His morning sickness was worst back then when he was still practicing his bad eating habits. For a moment he had the terrifying idea that maybe he wouldn't be able to eat or drink anything anymore without it coming back up. Still smoking wasn't helping his cause either. Smoking made his stomach turn, but usually not enough to throw up except for the incident with Frank days ago. He had spent the night with his head in the toilet.
To anyone else, Gerard wasn't showing yet. At the most they would say he had a slightly pudgy stomach, but Gerard looked at his stomach everyday and knew he was indeed starting to show. Years had been spent in college losing weight in order to escape the label of the "fat nerdy kid" he had put up all though school. Anyone around him could automatically pick up his self-consciousness when they caught him looking at his stomach or running a hand over it as if to see if it was still flat. Since finding out about his pregnancy, Gerard hadn't touched his stomach more than necessary. In a way, the author felt as if he had failed. Failed at being his perfect self.
Veiny hands rest on Gerard's knees as he sat in his bed, contemplating the last month and a half. Item number one: his baby was probably conceived during a quickie in a restaurant bathroom. They had been celebrating his recent appearance on TV (a half-assed interview with Inside Edition) and had let the expensive wine get to them and took advantage of the empty bathroom. What a shitty way to start life.
Two: He had to tell his mother. Donna Way wasn't exactly disappointed that her eldest son was gay, but she preferred that he not go into any specifics about his love life. How would she take this? Saying words like "unprotected", "pregnant", and "Frank" in the same sentence would probably give her a heart attack. Letting her figure it out on her own probably wasn't a good idea either. So, Mom, I'm at the hospital, and I, uh, sorta just had a baby. Can you give me a ride home? Eh, he could deal with that later. If he didn't tell her directly, she would always find out when he had to tell the rest of the world.
He chuckled to himself, thinking that the media outlets would actually be right this time. Every time he gained a bit of weight, celebrity gossip sites would immediately claim he had one on the way with any other gay celebrity prominent at the time. According to them he was supposed to have at least 3 children. This time though he wanted to beat the crowd and reveal the news himself. There was a press conference in a few weeks where he was to talk about his newest book, and he figured revealing his pregnancy there would be a big surprise to those attending. His publisher, Adam, would probably urge to announce it earlier in order to receive more press attention for the book, but then the extra coverage would be for all the wrong reasons. Gerard wasn't into using gimmicks to sell his novels.
Gerard's cell phone started to buzz for the umpteenth time that morning. He let it ring.
*~*~*~*~*
Two weeks after the wedding, the morning sickness had virtually stopped. Unfortunately, the ravenous hunger had began just as Gerard was low on groceries. A week ago he determined that his growing belly was noticeable and once again retreated to the confines of his apartment. The more he ate, the more he dreaded having to leave the house and buy more groceries. Because it was the middle of summer, he didn't have the luxury of throwing on a big jacket. He hardly owned any big t-shirts after he slimmed down to the point where he felt the need to show off his body. A green t-shirt he found in the back of his closet did nothing more but emphasis his growing midsection. He decided grocery shopping could hold off a couple more days and live off the yogurt that had been in the back of the refrigerator for weeks.
Beads of sweat rolled down Gerard's neck as he stumbled into the bathroom, gripping the porcelain bowl. It seemed like he had thrown up everything he had eaten that day in the past few hours alone. He had looked on the Internet and found out that some people did experience morning sickness throughout the whole pregnancy and weakly laughed at the fact that he would fall in that category. This sickness felt different than before to him; usually he felt better not to long after emptying his stomach. The cigarettes had finally caught up to him.
That night he slept in the bathtub, which was slightly more comfortable than the linoleum floor, in order to be close to the toilet. The author had barely slept that night as the heaving kept him from sleeping more than 45 minutes. The last two bouts were nothing more than dry heaving which felt worse to Gerard, still having the feeling with nothing coming out. If he had gone to the store, he thought, maybe he could already be over this. Back before the wedding, Mikey would immediately go for a pack of crackers as soon as Gerard retched. As the need for them dwindled, he bought them least often, and the last of them were devoured in a food binge.
"This will pass," he muttered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut as his stomach turned. It was a wonder he hadn't thrown up the baby yet. Or maybe he had. His thoughts were all over the place.
The next time he opened his eyes, he was sprawled in the tub sweating bullets. He didn't have the energy to move. He closed his eyes again. Open. He had no idea how long he had been there, but one thing for sure was that something was very wrong. A wave of nausea hit again as his stomach started churning. The churning turned to a heaving throbbing. The pain was getting more and more unbearable. Yes, there was something very wrong.
Close.
*~*~*~*~*
Open.
Gerard's eyes were met with the fluorescent light of the emergency room. His head was spinning as he sat up and looked around the busy room filled with doctors and nurses rushing in and out. They all crowded around the other table in the room, yelling out commands to each other. The pale man craned his neck, attempting to see what the commotion was and why they seemed to be ignoring him. When the patient's arm slumped of the table, Gerard felt his heart drop. He'd recognized that tattooed wrist anywhere. When Mikey told him he was getting a tattoo, the author didn't believe him until the couple came over a few hours later sporting matching tattoos on their wrists.
Alicia's heart monitor flat lined. The yelled commands got louder as the team worked to get her heart beating. As the minutes passed it became clear to the team and Gerard that nothing they could do would revive her. Slowly, the room began to clear out.
All Gerard could do was stare at the broken body in front of him. The cuts and bruises littering her body told him that she was probably in an automobile accident. Her legs were so mangled that even if she had survived, she would have been wheelchair bound. Her blood-matted hair framed her last living expression: eyes wide open, filled with fear of what was to come.
Alicia… the girl who had basically helped Mikey grow up, was gone. Even though she was younger than him, she had always played the role of the doting older sister to Gerard. When he couldn't talk to Mikey (usually when he was the problem) he wouldn't think twice before going to her. Sure, she had been distant while planning the wedding, but he didn't resent her for it like he did with Mikey.
Mikey. Did he already know about this? Did the hospital call her? Gerard's thoughts raced in his heads as he tried to mentally prepare himself for the mourning and hardships he and Mikey would face for years. They had hardly had enough time to enjoy being married.
Two nurses, covered in Alicia's blood walked past him, idly chatting as if they hadn't just witnessed a death. His mind couldn't really focused on most of what they were saying.
"…horrible. I knew when they brought her in that she wouldn't survive. Can you believe someone could get injuries this bad in the passenger seat?"
His eyes darted up quickly. Passenger seat. She wasn't driving. But who-?
Mikey.
Mikey.
MIKEY.
Really, he had no proof that the driver was Mikey, but Gerard couldn't imagine who else Alicia could be traveling with. His heart monitor speed up as the realization came crushing down on him. It had to be Mikey in that car. His everything. Gerard had once thought that he could survive being single for the rest of his life as long as he had his little brother. There was no way he could ever get as close to anyone as he was to him. If he had to describe it, it was if Mikey was extension of Gerard's thoughts and energy. A huge part of his life was devoted to his younger brother.
And now that huge part of him was lying in the morgue, having been pronounced dead on arrival.
He wasn't sure whether to scream, cry, curse, or vomit first. A strangled whimpered escaped his lips as he curled up on the emergency room table. How was he supposed to keep going on without his heart? He felt so lost.
The stress of the situation did nothing to help the abdominal contractions he had been feeling earlier. He could hardly feel the pain at that point because of his overwhelming grief, but he did feel the warm liquid dripping down the back of his thigh. Gerard uncurled, looking down at his half-dressed body. Shaky legs moved over the edge of the bed; his feet could barely support his weight. The bloodstain on the table confirmed what Gerard was feeling. He was miscarrying. No pregnant person could possibly handle the burden of carrying a child and losing the two most important people in their life.
A laugh ripped through his chest. He laughed until he couldn't even stand with the support of the table. Gerard dropped onto the floor, not caring if he bloodied up anything and let his body shake with laughter. A fraction of this grief was anything to make a man go mad. He was going insane. It wasn't until the nurses finally lifted him off the floor and onto the table to remove the fetus that he finally started sobbing, doubting if he would ever stop.
His eyes screwed shut as tears flowed almost endlessly from them...
*~*~*~*~*
Open.
Gerard was woken up by a scream. His scream.
"Gerard! Gerard! Calm down!"
His eyes darted crazily around the room until they landed on Alicia who was standing by his bedside, eyes wide. She hovered her hand over Gerard's, afraid that touching him might upset him more.
"Wha-.. how ar-.. but I s-sa-"
"Calm down, honey… You just had a bad dream; you're safe." Alicia's eyes were filled with worry framed by furrowed eyebrows and a concerned frown. "I know you hate hospitals, but you just have a bad case of food poisoning. You'll be out in a few days."
"Food… poisoning?" She nodded.
"Usually things don't get this bad, but you're high risk because of your pregnancy and you didn't do anything about it for hours. Mikey was trying to call you to talk with you, but you didn't answer. I thought you were just still mad at him, but he insisted on coming over to check on you and we found you in the bathtub." He could tell she had been crying earlier. "I-I was so scared and freaked out, but Mikey called 911 and tried to get your body temperature down because you were still heaving, and- oh my god, I don't know how he did it…"
The author's eyes unfocused as he recalled the nightmare. There was no way anyone could dream up something so… devastating, but it confirmed his fears. The fear of Mikey dying. The fear of losing everything dear to him.
And the fear that he wanted to keep his baby.
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