Fic: All the things we care about (1/4) [Sledge/Snafu, The Pacific]

[sempiternities]

Title: All the things we care about, part one | Why it would never last for eternity 
Pairing: Sledge/Snafu
Rating: R (to be sure for later chapters)
Disclaimer: The contents of this story are entirely fictional and they don’t concern the real men from World War II, but the actors. I don’t own anything.
Warnings: Minor spoilers for The Pacific.
A/N:

Comments

[teaspoonery]

Hee, een Belg!

*kucht*

*gaatlezen*

[teaspoonery]

he found him on a empty part of the deck.

It should be 'an empty' as the word starts with a vowel (which rule you no doubt were already aware of ;) ). Anyhow, I found some more awkward running sentences but the only thing you can do about them is have someone beta your story before posting - it's really quite difficult to point out the mistakes in a comment. It'd be advisable to get a beta who's a native speaker, they tend to have a better penchant for the grammar structures than non-native speakers. You might want to do something about the repetition of words - sometimes it definitely can give a description extra strength, but if use it too often it becomes a struggle to read through (e.g. always starting sentences with 'but' or 'and' or 'they'). I hope my comment hasn't offended you 8D

As for the fic itself, it kept reminding me a bit of petrichor. I'm not quite sure why. :) It's good though because I love it.

[sempiternities]

*has finally found the reply button* Gee, I'm slow.
En hallooo mede-Belg :D

Thanks a lot for the comment, of course it didn't offend me! Quite helpful actually. I am indeed aware of the "an"-if-it-starts-with-a-vowel-rule, but well, I overlooked it so thanks anyway. And yeah, the grammar structures... I should do something about that...
But especially your last remark was helpful, 'cause I wasn't aware of that.

And I'm very glad it reminded you of petrichor xD

[teaspoonery]

DUDE. IK BEN GEEN BELG. :P

:) I think they're common mistakes for Dutch speaking people. Possibly because it's more common in the Dutch language than in the English. My best advice, though, is: keep writing.

[skyearth85]

1) I loved it!!!
2) I was waiting for a confrontation between them about the scene with the gold teeth!!!
3) *adding to my favorites*

4) I can't help with the language (I'm Italian and like you can read, my English is horrible)
5) welcomed to lj ;)
6) welcomed to camp_toccoa (I'm one of the mod) there ;p

I'm hoping to read more things from you :)

[sempiternities]

Thank you so much for the comment and the welcoming!
Yeah, I was also searching for a confrontation about that scene, and not finding one was basically the reason I joined LJ, so i could write it myself ;p

And I so love camp_toccoa! From the moment I have the slightest bit of inspiration, I'll post some good old Webgott there or something! *goes crazy*
And I have some serious commenting to do... All those amazing fics, It'll take ages. :D

[flwrpwr_vampyre]

This is beautiful, you write fantastically for a non-native speaker.

I love the descriptions of them in the boat, very poetic and I'm definitely looking forward to more.

(And if you're looking for a beta, I'm very willing.)

[sempiternities]

Thanks a lot for the nice comment! I'll try my best to update soon.

And I'd love to have you for a beta :D I'm so graetful that you suggest it! How does it work? I send you new entries in a message or something? I kinda never had a beta before *smiles freakishly enthusiastic*

[flwrpwr_vampyre]

I'll message you my email and when you get done with the next chapter you attach the file and I'll look it over and make corrections. Then I send it back and you post it. It's a pretty simple yet awesome process.

[rinnuninnu]

Beautiful, so beautiful...can't wait to read more.<3

[sempiternities]

<33 Thaaanks!

... and now I can't wait to write more! If it wasn't for those annoying exams, I'd start right away :)

[la_petite_singe]

OMG, I love this! That was too adorable, when he started humming. ;) Very simple & sweet & perfect. ♥

[sempiternities]

Aw, thank you so much! And now I'm trying to imagine Snafu humming for real! What would it sound like? Or what song would he be humming... *is going to have very nice and musical dreams tonight*