Comments | semisweet_style: Original

semisweetsoul in semisweet_style

Original - So close

Jul 08, 2011 20:02

Title: So close
Author: semisweetsoul
Rating: G
Prompt: #21 "May I have this dance?" @lj-scribe
Word Count: Drabble (100 words text only)
A/N: Cross-posted to lj-scribe. It's here.

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!original fiction, original: drabble, 2011, rating: g, @ lj-scribe

Comments 2

mary684 July 10 2011, 13:18:30 UTC

Nice take on the prompt! Quite clever!! I love his missing arm and plastic hand. And their jerky movements. Aww, poor little boy unable to play with his sister's toys!

Couple of bumps:

The music loud, so loud sounded out of tune.
I think it needs an 'it' - The music loud, so loud it sounded out of tune.

The dance floor disappeared...
Upon first read, I was right with you until I got to this line and then, I had this idea that maybe I was in a sci fi universe and the floor literally disappeared. Probably just me - I'm writing a lot of sci fi just now so perhaps that is why my head went there.

I like it! Well done!

semisweetsoul July 10 2011, 19:35:41 UTC

Oh, thank you. :) I hope I can make it to the poll this time.

1. I'll have to tweak the sentence so it remains a drabble.
2. I thought that either the little boy hides them in his back or under his bed so his dad doesn't see the dolls. It happens quite fast. 100 words is so few, you have to strike a lot of words to get the gist.

Good luck to your writing endeavors! I'm trying to finish a bigbang due for August, and I'm stuck at 2000 words. :( So far I have no luck in this fandom, but the story has been in my head for 2 years, so I might as well write it, and move on to something else.