Cabaret: Part 2

[selubrationmod]

Soundtrack: 7. The Neighbourhood - Lurk // 8. The White Striped - In The Cold, Cold Night // 9. R.E.M. - Losing My Religion // 10. Melody Gardot - Your Heart Is As Black As Night // 11. Ray Charles - Say No More // 12. Two Steps From Hell - Forever In My Dreams // 13. Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz - Cold // 14. Lady Gaga - G.U.Y. // 15. Feist - Fire In The Water

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CHAPTER 2

“Leave me alone!”, Sehun called out as he fumbled with the door handle. Not that faggot. Not now.

“Please, sir!”, Luhan repeated. He stepped closer, still dressed in his corset and high heels. “I would like to apologize.”

That caught Sehun off guard. He paused and allowed himself to breath.

Luhan was standing about two meters away from him and offered a regretful smile.

“And why would you?”, Sehun asked snippy. Suspicion shot from his eyes.

“I noticed you're discomfort on stage and you basically fled out of the room. I'm sorry if I brought you into a difficult situation and caused you embarrassment. Usually men enjoy being up there. I assumed it would be the same for you. I'm sorry that you couldn't enjoy it.” He bowed full ninety degrees and Sehun was speechless for a moment.

Then his eyebrows furrowed and he barked a morose: “Don't assume things about people!”

Luhan visibly flinched at that. He didn't expect his apology to be rejected in such a harsh manner.

“When you called me up there, I actually wanted to leave anyway.”, Sehun continued grumpily. “I didn't wanna come on stage in the first place. Those other dudes dragged me up there.” His voice slowly but surely became angrier.

“I'm sorry that it happened, sir.”, Luhan apologized and bowed again.
“I'll make sure to not let it happen in the future.”

“Yeah … DO THAT!”, Sehun ordered and finally wanted to make tracks.

“Wait, sir! I have a question.”, Luhan exclaimed.

“What is it?!”, Sehun snapped.

“W- … You said you wanted to leave even before I asked you to come on stage. Why? Don't you like the Cabaret?”

“NO!”, Sehun answered agitated.

When Sehun is angry, he is. Fucking. Angry. When Sehun is angry, he would always be brutally honest, because the truth hurts the most - he learned that the hard way. When Sehun is angry, he doesn't pretend anymore, when he's angry - and luckily it happens seldom enough - he doesn't care about his image anymore. Afterwards he would usually roast himself, but at that moment he couldn't care less. At that moment he just felt wrath and it was scary as fuck. Despite him wearing a sweater vest and squary glasses he looked really intimidating. All of a sudden he got the body tension that he was lacking most of the time and he would tower over almost every other person - and in this case especially Luhan, despite the other still wearing high heels.

Luhan recoiled in surprise. What the heck was wrong with this guy?! “I'm sorry, sir. Didn't mean to bother you.”

Sehun ignored that. “Why the hell would I like a shanty like this anyways?”

“S-Sir …?” Luhan was quite irritated about the insulting words.

“And I thought, it'd be a nice evening …”, Sehun huffed sarcastically. “But what do I get? All of THIS disgusting shit!” He pointed at Luhan and his lingerie.

Now Luhan got quite upset as well. “No need to get all offensive, man … Sorry, if this establishment is not your taste, but how dare you to talk to me like that.”

“How dare YOU to talk to me like that? And don't man me, you faggot. Stay away from me.”

For a second hurt flashed through Luhan's eyes. “Faggot?”, Luhan repeated and didn't believe his ears. It took him a moment until finally realized where exactly the rub laid. What a fucking douche bag … “FAGGOT?”, he repeated again and this time he was unmistakably pissed.

Sehun woke up from his angry stupor when he saw the pretty face in front of him forming an incensed mask. He was still angry and disgusted but it was probably a stupid idea to express himself like that. Sehun really hated to lose control.

“What the hell?!”, Luhan exclaimed angrily. “You come here - the Cabaret - a club that very obviously is made for the gay community, and complain about us dancing in female lingerie? That you couldn't enjoy the act on stage - fine! But you actually have the audacity to call us disgusting? To throw discriminating names at us? YOU came here. You're a guest in this house, so fucking behave like one! It's not my fault that you mistook the Cabaret for a club for straights. You could have looked it all up on the web page, but I guess you were pretentious and homophobic enough to assume that everywhere you go, you will just find them girls shaking their asses.”

Sehun felt attacked; he slipped into his defense mode. “My friend picked this club, I didn't choose anything here. I got dragged into your revolting gay party for nothing.”

Luhan was in a rage. “Still doesn't give you the right to talk to me like this.” With every aggressive word he shouted, he came a small step closer to Sehun. “I know people like you. You're so full of ignorant ideas and think the whole fucking world has to revolve just around you. As if you're supposed to be the center of the universe, but you're actually stuck behind some stupid desk and and have this weird impression that the world owes you a favor or life has cheated on you or some shit.”

“Get away from me!”, Sehun warned when Luhan was now threateningly close.

Just like Sehun ignored him earlier, Luhan ignored Sehun now. “But newsflash, honey! The world doesn't. Absolutely nobody owes you anything, not even your life. What you got is what you get. It's ridiculous that I have to explain this concept to you. I do not and I do not want to know what sort of shitty day you may have had - you fucking treat people with the respect they deserve. So don't even give me that indignant face. This is your problem and yours alone. Stop acting as if I stole an opportunity from you.”

Sehun felt scandalized. How dare this person to speak like this? To him? “At least my honor is still intact.”, he bit back. “Now get away from me!” He pushed Luhan from him, as he was standing too close for Sehun's taste.

Luhan almost lost balance and stumbled back a few steps. He threw an anxious look at that guy who pushed him. Luhan figured this situation to be too dangerous.

At that moment the attendant came back with Sehun's coat and thus thankfully prevented any further escalation.

Sehun grabbed it without a word and with a last huff he made a run for it.

~

What a horrible day!

Sehun was fucking done for. In his apartment he slumped onto the bed with his cloths still on. Something he actually never did. But his list was so messed up already; it wouldn't make a difference anymore.

The impressions and expressions of the day had exhausted Sehun thoroughly. His plans got shattered into pieces; he had to start anew. But how to? It would take years until the next better position at the newspaper would be free. Sehun felt like crying. All those efforts, all the hard work - for what?

Sehun hated to admit it, but Luhan's words earlier were nothing but true. He indeed felt like life had cheated on him. His entire adulthood he spent his time shoveling towards the big heap named social expectations. And yes, Sehun expected something in return. He restrained himself so much just to do justice to everything that he was supposed to do. And he really wanted his reward. Society promises you one. If you stick the rules, you will have a happy, ideal life. Something that is apparently considered as desirable. In the past Sehun was forced to take the path of conformity. This path seems to have really dark edges at both sides. The happy, ideal life was waving at him at the end of way. Sehun always wanted to stay on track, never once waver. He had expected to reach his goal soon - at least until today. The path started to struggle and kick him off by himself. Sehun was wavering for the first time. He felt frightened, he didn't want to fall off the path; he wanted his happy, ideal life, he wanted his reward. And when he was wavering, the creatures living down the dark edges already started to crawl up the walls. They reached for him and whispered in his ear.

Sehun didn't want to lose control. He couldn't let the creatures win.

He couldn't let his creature win.

When Sehun woke up the next morning, the first thing he realized was, that for the first time in ages he could actually remember what he had been dreaming of. He had been dreaming of dancing corsets, offended eyes and running heels. He had dreamed of his hand running through blonde locks and desperation.

Sehun was confused.

The first thing he did was getting back on track, returning to the list. Get rid of the dirty clothes from yesterday. Shower. Eat. Watch TV. Call parents. Do work.

Sehun still smelled the scent of the Cabaret and Luhan on his sweater vest. He was disgusted … or actually, he felt sick …

At breakfast he was very grumpy. He didn't even turn on music. Sehun didn't listen to a lot of music in general, but on weekends he usually turned on the radio for a bit or - when he wanted to feel classy - he listened to some jazz. But not today.

The phone call with his parents was just as awkward and unpleasant as he thought it would be. Sehun really hated lying.

Chanyeol called a few times, but Sehun didn't want to answer it. After that he received some apologetically sounding messages from the other. Sehun didn't want to hear about it.

Work was the only thing that could get Sehun's mind off his worries. He finally could concentrate on something else other than his own problems - which is actually funny, considering that the work had been the reason for his initial bad situation in the first place.

You know you're fucked when you have to choose a disaster over a catastrophe.

~

Monday was gruesome.

He had to go back. He had to face his boss - that ungrateful bastard. He had to face Seohyun again and had to try to not rip her head off from jealousy. He had to face Chanyeol again and the other would surely wanna talk to him, especially after a weekend of ignoring him.

Sehun didn't want to.

But he had to.

That stupid path to a happy, ideal life was hard, steep and exhausting. This week Sehun wondered several times, why he actually was still walking it. Just one week ago his goal seemed so close. Now he got pushed back so many years. He would miss out on his whole life, if he … NO! He was already missing out.

He realized that, when the memories of his time on stage with Luhan forced their way back into his mind. He tried to ignore and ban those embarrassing and uncomfortable thoughts, but they were resistant. And if he was being honest with himself, it wasn't actually that embarrassing and uncomfortable when he had been up their for real. It just seemed like that afterwards.

Sehun had felt such a rush - a feeling that totally knocked him out of his socks. So much excitement and … life within him. He still didn't know what to do with all these emotions. So these emotions remained - concentrated and unused at a place somewhere close to his heart. They started to grow, to spread in his body, in his brain. Every day of the week, Sehun felt a little more like he was missing something. And it scared him shitless. It felt like a craze slowly breaking through him, breaking the chains, breaking the bars. Everything was still sticking together - only just.

Sehun wanted to go back. He didn't admit it, but he wanted to. Something was drawing him there. Maybe he was an adrenalin junkie of some sort. The thrill of the edge may have gotten the best of him. The truth was, that he wanted to see Luhan again. Pretextually he wanted to go to apologize. Luhan had apologized to him in such a polite manner and Sehun had been rude to him. Despite his disgust about the whole … stuff, he didn't want to have the reputation of being an asshole.
The real reason why he wanted to see Luhan? Sehun himself didn't know. He just knew that the dancer had left quite the impression. How Luhan just read him like an open book - it was eating away on Sehun. The way Luhan vaporized Sehun's whole persona just like that … It made the latter feel insecure and transparent. He wanted to redeem his persona. In front of Luhan and of himself.

~

It was Friday again and Sehun sat in the Cabaret. He even made a reservation, but in the last row in a corner this time. He's not here for the show (so he tells himself), he's here so he can apologize to Luhan. He was wrong, he knows that now. Luhan's word were urgent enough. They basically hit Sehun right across the face; one of those well-deserved verbal clips round the ear, that actually made you think.

Sehun brought some work with him. He didn't want to catch himself looking at the dancers too much. He needed distraction.

Today was jazz-themed. There had been an opening sequence just like the last time. But instead of a flashy, energetic pop performance, the boys rolled their bodies to the sound of seductive saxophones and promising pianos.

When a man got invited on stage (this time not by Luhan, but one of the others), it sparked Sehun's interest. He observed how nervous, but obviously pleased about the situation, that guy was. Sehun understood how Luhan could mistake his reaction last Friday for nervousness instead of aversion. That thought made him feel even guiltier. Despite Sehun being problematic, he was actually not a bad person. He was just scared. A lot.

When the guy left the stage he was sporting a blissful smile on his face. He returned to his table, where a group of chanting friends greeted him back. A part of Sehun wished he could have felt the same joy that this man was feeling. He was quite angry at himself.

Sehun wanted to concentrate on his work again until the whole show had finished. Or at least on the food, that he wanted to enjoy this time. But the next act kept Sehun eyes on the stage. It was absolutely impossible to look away. Catcalls could be heard from every part of the audience.

A solo act just by Luhan. The soft piano sound waved through the hall and made the air thick. And when Luhan started singing Melody Gardot's Your Heart Is As Black As Night, Sehun was lost. It was the first time he heard the other sing and, damn, he had lovely voice.

“'Cause your hands may be strong,
But the feelings are wrong.
Your heart is as black as night.”

Luhan moved his body so gracefully, so enthralling.

Yet again Sehun was caught in a conflict between disgust and fascination. As irking as it was - Luhan knew what he was doing. His professionalism was indeed respectable.

Sehun tried to get back to work - he really tried, but every time Luhan came on stage …

The other's zest for life surrounded him like a halo and seemed to enlighten everyone near him. A shining light in the darkness.

~

“What are you doing here?”

Sehun looked up from his notepad. After the show had finished, the hall had been bustling with activity. So many people wanted to thank the dancers for their great show - that and other stuff, as Sehun noticed. Thankfully none of the people seemed to mind him still sitting there in the corner, at least until Luhan showed up who waited to talk to Sehun until there weren't any other guests left in the room.

Sehun got a short fright, since he was too engrossed in his article and now the other was standing just a few feet away. Bashfully he laid his notes down. “You saw me?”, he asked rhetorically.
“Yeah, I know you were sitting there for a quite a while. And it's not like I can forget the face of that asshole from last week so easily …”, Luhan's face showed a pretty annoyed expression.

“About that …”, Sehun became very embarrassed. He quickly stood up and bowed. “I would like to apologize. You don't have to accept my apology, but please know that I am sorry. You were right last week. I could have informed myself about the club and it was wrong to let my anger out on you. I know it's not an excuse, but I had indeed a very bad day, just like you correctly assumed. I lost control and swore at you. I even pushed you. I am especially sorry for that.”

Now it was Luhan's turn to look surprised. He didn't know what to expect when he saw that rude guy from last Friday in the audience again, but an apology …?

“You apologized to me and treated me perfectly respectful.”, Sehun continued. “I just want you to know that I accept your apology, even though it probably isn't relevant anymore.” He bowed again.

“Oh … uhm … that was unexpected …”, Luhan offered a conciliatory smile. “I guess … I accept your apology, too. I mean, you even came here again for telling me …”

“I didn't know where else I could talk to you.”

“Yeah … right, uhm- … what's your name, anyways?”

“It's … it's Oh Sehun.” Sehun was surprised that he hasn't told Luhan his name yet.

“Sehun …”, Luhan let the name experimentally roll of his tongue. “I guess you know my name already, but I am Luhan.”

“Luhan, okay.” The corners of Sehun's mouth turned up just with a hint of a smile.
“Well, okay … uhm …” He was standing around for a few clueless seconds until he decided to go, since his work was done now.

But Luhan had different plans. “Wait, Sehun. Even at the risk of getting you angry again, when you swore at me last week … you know, faggot and such … Did you mean that?”

Sehun sighed deeply and looked to the floor - caught. “Sorry.”, he muttered. “I just can't help myself.”

Luhan realized that the person standing in front him wasn't quite as typical as he thought he was. Sehun was homophobic - obviously - but he didn't seem to be malicious. He seemed to not liking the idea of being homophobic, knowing that it would hurt Luhan's feelings. It was confusing Luhan a little. “But why?”, he asked. “What have we - what have I - done to make you hate me because of that.”

“I don't hate you.”, Sehun muttered even quieter. I am scared, he thought.
“It's just … it's just wrong and you … you sell your body …” It was the best reasoning that he could think of at the moment. Pretty pathetic, I know.

“I don't sell my body.” Luhan sounded offended. “At least not in the way you mean it. I mean, I'm not surprised that you're thinking of me like this. Some guys here sell their bodies, but I don't, okay? It's just not for me. So don't assume things about people! Your own words.”

“Yeah, I guess … I … Sorry.” Sehun cheeks turned pink. He actually came here to apologize and now he railed Luhan up again.

“I understand how you get the idea, seeing me dancing in this attire.” Luhan pointed at his corset. “But still … Even if I sold my body, you wouldn't be in the position to judge me because of it. It's my life and my body. And actually non of your business, except of course you'd be interested …” He chuckled lowly.

Sehun shifted uncomfortably.

“So, Sehun … As much as I appreciate you coming here to apologize, if you don't get a grip and continue with your homophobic behavior, you are not welcome here any longer, even though you probably don't wanna come here anymore anyways. Which is kinda sad.”

Sehun - in this moment perfectly aware of his problematic opinions - looked up, surprised. “What … Why is it sad?”

Luhan smiled meekly. “You don't seem like you want to be like that. You don't seem happy with yourself.”

Sehun gulped. “You're doing it again.” His voice was weak.

“What am I doing again?”

“Reading me like a book. How can you do that?”

Luhan lifted an eyebrow. “Oh! I didn't know I'm able to.” An amused glimmer flashed through his eyes. “So you really aren't happy with your life, huh?”

“Uh … I don't think so. But I doubt that you'd be interested in it.”

“Why wouldn't I?” Luhan's mouth curved into a teasing grin.

“Well, why would you? I was mean and rude to you. I pushed you. You may have accepted my apology - but why would you waste any more time on such a person?”

“Maybe … you don't seem like a hopeless case to me.” Luhan tilted his head and gave a friendly smile, that strung a chord within Sehun and warmed his heart.

Sehun was dazed. He didn't expect to face such an understanding personality. And so he found himself following Luhan through doors and corridors.

Usually Sehun wouldn't even have thought of doing such a thing. Following a faggot to god-knows-where. However, a week ago his world lost balance so severely, that he was threatening to fall. He was wavering and shaking and grasped at whatever seemed to be balanced, to give strength - and that was Luhan.

They were standing on the Cabaret's roof. The building wasn't that high, so the view was occasionally blocked by some higher skyscrapers. But overall, it was a really nice and - more importantly - lonely place.

Luhan was heading straight for a bench near the railing and seated himself.

Sehun pondered whether he should do the same. When Luhan gave him an expecting look, he sat down, but with some space between them.

The air this evening seemed surprisingly fresh, yet pleasantly warm.

Luhan stuck his nose up in the mild breeze and a satisfied smile graced his face. He sighed conveniently and started to untie his heels. When he took them off, he groaned a little. “When you're wearing those shoes for too long, it gets pretty uncomfortable.”, he complained giggling.

“I'm surprised that you can even walk in them.”

“Well, it does take a lot of training.”

“As weird as I think it is, it's pretty impressive.”, Sehun acknowledged.

“Thanks … I guess.” Luhan giggles again. “So what is it with you?”

“Huh?”

“With you and your homophobia.”

“Oh.”

“You do know that phobia means fear, right?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then, why are you scared?”

“I … I don't know …” Sehun was truly at a loss.

“Then … what exactly is it, that's bothering you about people being gay? And don't tell me, because it's wrong, 'cause that's not an argument.”

“I … I … it's just, because I am not gay and I … I don't-”

“Hey, no one ever said that you have to turn gay because you talk to a gay person. And if you're as straight as you make yourself out to be, there's nothing that you have to be afraid of.”

“Uh … yes … I-I guess so …” Sehun couldn't oppose this. He knew he wasn't in the right position, yet he had such problems to get rid of his way of thinking. “It's just … what you people do, I mean what you practice-”

“You mean the sex?” Luhan laughed amused.

Sehun's cheeks turned the lightest shade of pink.

“First of all, not everyone practices it like you think they are. Secondly, straight people can do that just as well. And thirdly, what other people are doing in bed is non of your business, like I said earlier. And it's also no reason to be afraid.”

“Hm, yeah probably.”

“Sehun! You should try to get rid of your superstitions and prejudices. It won't do you any good, running around with those negative feelings in your heart. Believe me. It's not like I don't understand what's going on in your head right now. I've been at this point, as well.”

Sehun looked up from the floor. “How do you mean that?”

“Well, let's be honest here. Being gay isn't exactly accepted here in East Asia, right? It's getting better, but still. I mean, you are part of that system. And back then, when I still lived in China-”

“You're from China?”

“Of course. Haven't you noticed?”

“Wh- … No.”

“That's funny. Most people recognize me by my name or accent.”

“Your Korean is very good. Now that you say it, I can hear an accent, but it's very subtle.”

“Thanks.” Luhan's eyes lightened up at the compliment. “Anyways, when I still lived in China, it took me a while to learn about these things, to accept them, to realize who I really was, to stand up for myself. I was thinking just like you are probably thinking now. But I managed to change.”

“I see. How long has it been?”

“I left China over ten years ago.”

“Wow. Wait, how old are you?”

“Thirty-one.”

Sehun's eyes almost popped out. “Really? You look so much younger. I would have guessed that you were younger than me.”

“Thanks. Then, how old are you?”

“Twenty-seven.”, Sehun admitted.

Now it was Luhan's turn to be surprised. “Twenty-seven? Yet you have a mind like someone at the age of seventy-two?” He giggled and Sehun looked at him sullenly. “But seriously, though. You look a lot older. Buuuuut …” He moved up the bench until he sat directly next to Sehun. “ … I think that could also be because of those, well, clothes.”

“What is wrong with my clothes?”, Sehun nagged and deliberately smoothed some wrinkles in his pants. “Everyone's complaining about it.”

“Well …”, Luhan giggled. “It's not exactly what I would call fashionable … or fashion at all.” He gave the too-short-pants a critical look. “It kinda looks like your mom is still picking out your clothes for the day.”

“Hmpf … I like my clothes …” Sehun was a little bit agitated because Chanyeol had said a similar thing before.

“But maybe it's also because of those glasses …” Luhan moved up even further and Sehun got nervous. Too close.

“What about my glasses?”, he asked shakily.

“Maybe you would look less old and grumpy without them.” Sneakily Luhan snatched them from Sehun's nose.

“Hey! What are you playing at?”

Luhan made a surprised “Uh!” sound. “Who would have thought that you'd actually look this good.”

“Er …” Sehun didn't know what to answer. He was pretty snubbed.

Luhan was in awe. This guy was downright gorgeous. A little bit tired and exhausted, and a little bit too grumpy, but aside from that - wow. A straight nose, plum lips, a flawless complexion, phenomenally shaped eyebrows, long lashes. This guy's face was perfect. What a waste!

“I … uhm … can I have my glasses back?”, Sehun asked awkwardly.

“Do you need them?”, Luhan asked back in undeniable sass.

“Yes …”

“No!” He put on the glasses. “These are not very strong. I bet you can see pretty good without them.”

“Yeah, I can, but I need them back.”

“Hm.” Luhan gave them back and Sehun hastily put them back on. “Don't wanna be intruding or anything, but why are you wearing them, if you don't even need them most of time? Because a friend of mine has to wear glasses like those too once in a while, in the cinema for example. But other than that, he doesn't wear them and they have about the same strength as yours.”

“I just feel better with them. It makes a better impression at the workplace.”
Luhan huffed. “So, you're wearing glasses to make people think you're professional and smart?” He giggled.

“Yeah, what's the problem?”

“Faaaakeee!”, Luhan sing-songed.

“I'm not fake!”, Sehun retorted.

Oh yes, you are Sehun. And you fucking know it!

Luhan just raised an eyebrow. “Aw, ain't you cute.”, he teased. “And now that sullen face is back.” He giggled his ass off.

“Stop making fun of me!”, Sehun commanded indignantly.

“But you're so easy to make fun of.”

That caught Sehun off guard. He was easy to make fun of? This was an outrage. “What are you saying?! I'm a respectable tax-payer, who lives in an apartment, who diligently goes to work and does his job like he's supposed to. I do everything I can to fulfill my duty as a proper citizen and live a normal life. And I never did something wrong or shady, aside from talking to you, that is.”

“And this is exactly what I'm talkin' about. This will sound a little bit insulting, but you're a laughingstock, a walking cliche. If I you weren't sitting here right in front of me, if somebody told me about you, I'd never believe, that you'd be real. No person can seriously be such a square.”

Sehun was offended. Again. “Better a square than a faggot.”, he grumbled.

“Uh-uh!” Luhan shook his head. He wasn't having that right now. “What did I say?”

“That I'm no longer welcome, if I don't stop my homophobia.” For some reason Sehun really didn't like the thought of being unwelcome.

“Precisely! I'm surprised that this argument actually worked on you. I thought you'd be long gone by now.”

“Well, you were the one who said, that I'm not a hopeless case.”

“Hm … precisely …” Luhan whispered surprised. He was stunned at how good Sehun actually listened and remembered.

“And I thought, maybe it'd be interesting to find out, what you meant by that.”, Sehun explained.

“Okay. I accept that challenge.”

“It wasn't supposed to be a challenge.”

“It is now. And before I start … you insult like a little child, learn some bad words, please. Calling me faggot three times in a row. Fucking uncreative.”

Sehun was offended. AGAIN. Offended because he wasn't offensive enough. Damn.

Luhan cleared that his throat and swung his legs over the bench an onto Sehun lap.

Sehun cramped and coughed from shock as Luhan's shaved, fish-net-stocking-footed legs landed on his. “Uhm …”

Luhan moved even closer until he was almost cuddled to Sehun.

“Uh-uhm Luhan … c-could you maybe-”

“Chill, big straight boy! My legs are cold.” Luhan stuck out his tongue teasingly.

“Sooooo, you don't like being called cliché or being called a square?”
Sehun nodded, still uncomfortable, because … legs …

“Then tell me something about you. Something that makes me change my opinion. And maybe we'll also find out why you're always being so grumpy.”

“I don't know where to start. I don't know what to tell you.”

“Hm … I'll make it easy for you. You were really pissed last week. Why?”

And so Sehun started telling. About his job, about his boss, about his plans for the future, about the promotion, about Seohyun, about Chanyeol, about everything that had been bothering him in the last two weeks - initially still reluctantly, later on, when he saw the serious, yet warm look on Luhan's face, more willingly and fluently. Even though Luhan had made fun of him earlier, now he didn't and Sehun truly appreciated that. Sehun realized that he never really talked about his life and his problems like that. Sure, he often complained to Chanyeol, but never like this - so comprehensively. Chanyeol would've told him to get a grip and fuck a bitch after a while, but Luhan seemed to be honestly interested. And talking about it like this, formulating it in concrete sentences, it made him see connections between his problems. He realized that there were so many flaws in his believed impeccable life. The insight hit him like a brick.

And Luhan seemingly as well. “So you wanna tell me, that you spend your precious, short life and youth on working for a promotion at a newspaper you hate for a job you don't wanna do to satisfy the expectations of people you don't like … Man, that's fucked up. Why the hell do you do that?” Luhan looked at him uncomprehendingly.

“If you say it like this, it sounds even worse.”, Sehun stated.

“Because it is! Don't you wanna live once in a while?”

“I just wanna live my proper life.”

“Proper? What the fuck do you mean by that anyways?”

“It means that I do what I am supposed to do. It means that I don't get in trouble and you are trouble.”

“Why am I trouble?”, Luhan teased with a fake pout.

“You're a dancer in a club. You wear female lingerie and do make-up. And you're gay.”

“And there it is!” Luhan made a big gesture with his arms. “So gay is trouble, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Pity!”

Sehun didn't know what to say. The concept of homosexuality has never ever fit into his list. It was never supposed to be part of it. And now here he was, talking about it.

Suddenly Sehun felt how Luhan huddled together with him. Despite his head screaming in panic and his very extreme degree of discomfort, he didn't push the other away. He noticed the goosebumps that formed on the milky skin and felt the shivers running through Luhan's body.

The wind sure got pretty cold in the last minutes they were talking. They could have stood up and gone back in, but they felt very lazy at the moment. Instead Sehun took off his jacket and draped it over Luhan's shoulders.

“Thank you.”, Luhan muttered surprised and snuggled up into the lining. He wanted to smooth out the fabric, but halted. “Corduroy? For real?”

“What's wrong with corduroy?”

“Everything! Corduroy is ew.”

“If you say so …”

The jacket was ugly yet comfortable and so, so warm. It felt really cushy. And it smelled so nice. Sehun's fashion sense was non-existent, his after-shave however, was whole 'nother topic. Luhan didn't really want to take it of again.

They sat on the bench for a while and enjoyed the cool breeze. And just as it softly blew through Luhan's locks and let them flutter, it blew through Sehun and carried his discomfort far, far away.

Sehun felt himself relaxing, calming down. His heart started to beat normal again, the lump in his throat disappeared and he started to feel glad about not being alone this evening. He usually spent his evenings alone, so having company was a pleasant change. While he looked around the glowing lights of Seoul's night, Sehun learned that nothing is horrible anymore once you got used to it.

After some time Luhan attracted Sehun's attention again. “You know …”, he muttered sleepily. “I actually really love living in the big city, but there's one thing that's bothering me.”

“What is it?”

“You can't see the stars at night. Sometimes I spent so much time among these electric lights that I completely forget how a real night sky looks like. It's been so long since I've been outside the city. I think I gotta do that some time soon. When have you last seen the stars? Or did you ever, Sehun?”

When Luhan murmured his name with this soft, sleepy voice, Sehun got a fuzzy feeling in his stomach. “Yes I did, but I don't know when exactly. Now that you're asking … probably a pretty long time ago.” It wasn't the whole truth. Sehun knew exactly the last time he had seen a real night sky. It was the last time he visited his grandparents on the countryside. The went out for a night, because on that evening shooting stars had been supposed to fall. And they did. It was one of the most magnificent things, Sehun had ever witnessed. That happened about a year before he graduated from school. He didn't came to visit after that. He was too busy learning for his final exams and university entrance exams. His grandmother died that same year and his grandfather a few months later. Sehun hasn't seen stars in the sky ever since.

He didn't realize how much he missed it.

~

After having spent almost half of the night together with Luhan until he finally left at four o'clock in the morning, Sehun felt very lonely. He hasn't enjoyed such a nice company since … too long. When he was with Chanyeol or any other person for that matter, he always felt like they expected him to act and behave a certain way - sometimes more, sometimes less uptight. But he couldn't feel that with Luhan.

Sure, Luhan was explaining, pointing out mistakes, but he didn't pressure Sehun into anything. If Sehun would have said he would like to stay as squary as he was, Luhan would have accepted it, no doubt about that. But Sehun didn't like it, so Luhan offered to help.

Luhan … that fag- … gay person. All of a sudden it didn't seem to bother Sehun anymore and he wondered why.

He tossed and turned the rest of night, not finding any sleep.

Why didn't he run? Why didn't he get angry again? How could he be so calm? Why did he follow Luhan? So many questions and no answers.

Sehun was exclusively living his life like his head told him. It seemed as being near Luhan interfered with that. Suddenly his heart woke up and told him that it still existed.

And here Sehun reached the point of becoming afraid again. He had locked up his heart so carefully. He didn't wanna let it out. The creature, his heart, he couldn't let it out. He just couldn't. He was already losing ground, a few steps closer to the edge and he would fall, his world would shatter and he would sit in front of the fragments that were supposed to be a home and a future.

That's what Sehun thought - perfectly aware that every step farther from Luhan would bring just closer, ultimately. Sehun knew he couldn't run from it. He was still in denial, but he was drawn to Luhan with such a force, a hurricane couldn't have knocked him over harder.

That Friday last week his heart woke up from its long and forced slumber and through the bars of its prison, it could see and feel a shining light. It radiated warmth, hope, life, complacency and poise. All those qualities that Sehun's heart was craving. It had already tasted blood - and wanted more.

To Sehun's heart Luhan was like fire and Sehun himself was freezing to death.

~

What's the meaning of life?

This and other question were bothering Sehun the next morning. Okay, not morning - afternoon. He had slept until 2pm - very unusual. His head spun when he stood up. The recovery-factor of sleeping was basically non-existent. Life is so stressful. So what's the point?

Sehun thought too much this day. This is not meant to be offensive, but usually he never thought or reconsidered much. He was an A-class conformist with a list for life. But what he had lived so far wasn't life; he realized that now. He had avoided to live life. But how would he be able to combine both life and list? Was it even possible? One of both would always have to suffer. And a suffering list wasn't an option. Luhan may have opened his eyes to a certain degree, but not this far.

The next thing Sehun noticed was, that he must have forgotten the corduroy jacket with Luhan yesterday. The latter still wore it when Sehun said goodbye since he was cold and shivering. Sehun needed to get his jacket back, it was one of the better ones he owned. He would have to go back to the Cabaret - again.

He didn't plan this. This was very unfavorable. He knew that sooner or later he would have gone back to see Luhan anyway, but he still had problems admitting it. He didn't want to seem like a freshly hooked addict.

Now he still had to go back - a lot sooner than planned.

Maybe - just maybe - he had forgotten his jacket on purpose …

The problem this time was, that he didn't make a reservation. And it was Saturday evening. There was no way in hell he would be able to get in. When the night had fallen he left for the Cabaret nevertheless.

Now he stood in a mass of frustrated, dreamy and horny dudes and felt like he hit rock bottom. If anyone he knew saw him standing there …

The program always went on for three hours until one o'clock. Every full hour they would make a short break. During that break the guests had the chance to go to toilet or whatever - or to leave if they wanted to. So these were the times where they would let in other waiting men to get the now available seats to see the rest of the show. The last change took place at midnight.

Sehun waited in line for two hours until he had the chance to finally get in at that last change. He felt pathetic.

Today was modern pop evening again and Sehun got to see parts of the program he had missed out on that infamous Friday last week. As a group they performed another Lady Gaga song - G.U.Y. this time. Sehun had heard that song on the radio quite a few times and he had to admit that he really like that one even though he scarcely listened to such danceable tunes, because of … reasons …

He sat on a single table at the left corner directly in front of the stage. He didn't want to sit there. It was too close.

And of course he couldn't leave his eyes of Luhan. Sehun was surprised to feel a growing respect for the other. From a professional point of view the choreography was pretty sophisticated and the dancers were perfectly in sync. One could see the hours of training that must have went into that single act alone. The movements of the dancers were precise and experienced - every little swing with the hips could kill anyone who liked that stuff.

Sehun didn't like it … or did he?

Well, Luhan and the others were great dancers. He couldn't discuss about this much. Somehow that bothered him and at the same time it made him feel oddly relieved.

It didn't take Luhan long to notice Sehun sitting in the audience again- and this time even right in front of him. Someone was being very eager - Luhan liked it!

And soon enough Sehun noticed that Luhan noticed him being there. Sehun gulped. Not good.

Luhan flashed a teasing smile at his direction. The guys sitting behind Sehun oohed. Next, Luhan broke out of the perfect choreography and strutted towards him with the bass carrying his every step. His hips swung delectably and his posture oozed self-confidence. He stood at the edge of the stage and took the final step to stand right on Sehun's table.

Oh god. Sehun wanted to disappear. Why did Luhan do this again? Why?

He glanced up to the dancer. He actually planned to meet those mischievously sparkling eyes, but the lacey string and straps stretching around the perky butt got in the way somehow.

No! Don't look! Sehun forced himself to look elsewhere. And that happened to be the others lips that moved so enticingly while singing. Occasionally a pink tongue darted out and left those lips shining and glimmering under the flashlight.

“I don't need to be on top
To know I'm wanted 'cause I'm strong enough to know the truth.”

Luhan turned directly towards Sehun, pinned him to his chair with a high heel mildly pressed against the latter's trembling chest and shot a knowingly superior, frivolous look at him.

“I just want it to be hot
Because I'm blessed when I'm in love and I'm in love with you.”

Sehun's face was blazing hot, his heart was boiling. Adrenalin was rushing through him and lifted him out of reality. Or maybe it pushed him back in. He trembled uncontrollably. What was happening?

Luhan rolled his hips alluringly and touched his body indecently until the song signalized the start of the last chorus. With a last cheeky grin directed at Sehun, he jumped back on the main stage.

Sehun felt like a comet had slayed him: FUCKING DEAD!

“So you came back again!” Luhan looked at Sehun expectantly. “You're really being serious, huh …”

Sehun didn't answer. He blindly stared past the other at the ceiling, still completely dazed.
After the last guest left, Luhan had planted his ass on Sehun's table to talk to him but the younger didn't seem very talkative today.

“Yo, straight boy!” Luhan threw an angry olive at Sehun, that he had snatched from the latter's martini glass. “Look at me! Speak to me!”

That shook Sehun out of his daydreams. “Ehhh, why did you throw that?” His eyes glowed disapprovingly while he tried to get the stain of his shirt with a handkerchief.

“You didn't react.”, Luhan answered simply. “So why did you come back? Like the show?”

“What?! Of course not!” How could Luhan just assume this. “I forgot my jacket yesterday.”

“Aww, why don't you just say that right way. You should be careful. I might get the impression that you miss me.” Mischief oozed from his smile.

“Haha, very funny.”

“What's the problem with you again. Yesterday night, when you left, we were actually talking like decent people and you seemed to have a good mood. Now you're coming back and you're as grumpy as ever. What's bothering you so much? Why is your life so frustrating that you're constantly having a bad mood?”, Luhan started to ramble. “You told me yesterday, but I don't think, that it was everything - I mean, of course not, we've just seen each other three times - but seriously! What you told me yesterday seems more like the last straw to me. So what is with you? Talk to me! Let me help you! I am sitting here, offering you my services as your personal substitute psychologist, please! And I don't even charge!”

Sehun was stunned. “Uhm … I … uhm … okay … But … I really forgot my jacket, though …”

“Kay-kay-kay … So were did I put it?”, Luhan wondered while he searched for Sehun's jacket.

Currently the two stood in Luhan's personal dressing room - well, Sehun stood. Luhan bustled about the room, looking in every corner. In the meantime he had taken his high heels off and Sehun realized how much smaller the other was without them, at least half a head - probably more.

Sehun didn't know what to do, so his eyes wandered around. He didn't feel as comfortable around Luhan anymore, which was weird, even to him. Yesterday he indeed relaxed around the dancer and got accustomed to the lingerie and the gayness - or so he thought. Apparently it didn't work that fast.

The table dance was a little bit too much for starters and this dressing room was really small. The rooftop the day before had at least been an open area. It didn't seem as intrusive and intimate as this situation now.

“Ooh, I found it. Must have fallen from coffer.” Luhan picked up the despicable corduroy jacket from behind a big chest with feather boas hanging out and handed it over to Sehun.

“Sorry, it's a little bit dusty now.”

“It's okay.”, Sehun muttered. Just when he wanted to take it back, Luhan's grip tightened around the fabric.

“But … uhm … can I keep it?”, he asked with big eyes.

“Whut?! Why?”

“It's so comfortable and warm.”

“You said corduroy is ew.”

“Yeah, but the lining is so cozy.”

They stared at each other, both hands tightly closed around the corduroy

Sehun gave up. “Fine. Keep it!” He sounded annoyed.

“Aw, did I piss you off again?”, Luhan asked concerned.

Sehun didn't want to be pissed off by Luhan. He wanted to be okay with Luhan. “No, it's just .. that's why I came and now it was in vain.”

“But it's not in vain! What are you talking about? You met me again!” Luhan grinned.

Sehun huffed. “Oh man … you got an ego … THIS big!” He showed a great span with his arms.

“And you are adorable. Those gestures … Aw.”

Sehun felt very demasculinized and he didn't like it.

Luhan must have seen Sehun grumpy face again, so he just tipped at Sehun's chin. “Heads up! Don't take everything I'm saying so seriously. I'm just teasing you. Just like earlier during the performance. There's no reason to feel personally attacked about it.”

“Yeah, about that …”, Sehun muttered and blushed. “Why did you have to do that? It felt so indecent …” He looked down, pretty angry at himself. He wanted to sound more pissed, but somehow Luhan's personality disarmed him completely.

“Awwww, aren't you a cutie pie.”, the other cooed. “Indecent … nah!” He came close to Sehun and looked up into his eyes. “This is indecent.”

He sneaked an arm around Sehun's waist and let the other hand rest just above the latter's crotch, slowly sliding down.

Sehun choked and squeaked in surprise. Hastily he retreated from Luhan and pushed himself against the door. “Wh-What are y-you doing?”

“Calm down, straight boy. Just a demonstration. Just wanted to show that the dance was completely innocent.

Innocent? Sehun realized, that apparently him and Luhan must have different definitions of that term. “You know I am not like that. Why do you keep on making me uncomfortable? I should just go …”, he complained.

“Oh noooo.”, Luah whined. “Don't go. And like I said, I'm just teasing you.” he grinned another heartwarming smile. “You should know that I'm just joking. Don't let yourself get bothered by my actions so much. Don't let yourself get bothered by any action that much. Not everyone is plotting some evil agenda against you.”

Sehun calmed down. Okay, Luhan was just joking.

“Sehun, why don't you take a seat or do you like to stand all the time?” Luhan raised an eyebrow and pointed at a chair next to the vintage dressing table.

Sehun cleared his throat and awkwardly sat down.

“So … what pissed you off today?” Luhan began with an expectant look.

“Why were you so grumpy again?”

“Don't know … just life in general, I guess …” Deep down Sehun knew that this wasn't true. It wasn't life that pissed him off, it was the life he was denied.

“Oh c'mon … nobody just hates life, you gotta have a reason …” While speaking he started to untie his corset and Sehun's eyes became the size of saucers.

“Wa-Wait, why are you undressing?” Sehun face went bright red.

“'Cause I can't run around in lingerie all day, man.” He took of the corset.
Sehun got a clear view of Luhan's well shaped chest and muscular stomach. He wanted to die.

“But why do you have to-”

“Chill! If you're as straight as you make yourself out to be, it shouldn't be bothering you, right?”

The knowing, mischievous glint in Luhan's eyes made Sehun want to disappear. He sunk in the chair and didn't utter a single a sound. He tried to keep his eyes focused on the floor, but they just didn't listen. Every few seconds they would look back at Luhan removing the straps and stockings. Sehun's head felt so hot. Okay, not just his head - literally everything! He couldn't keep his eyes of the toned thighs, of the stretching muscles on Luhan's back. He gulped.

When Luhan had changed into a simple shirt and sweat pants, he looked a lot more masculine all of a sudden and that hit Sehun hard. It shouldn't be surprising him that much, but it did.

“Oh, boy!”, Luhan said when he saw the tense face. “You look like you ate a lemon raw - pun not intended. Seriously, relax!” He knelt down in front of the dressing table and took a bottle of some high-proof liquor out of a mini fridge. “Need a drink?”

Sehun nodded silently. He already drank a martini but that was unimportant now. He needed to get more calm to better deal with everything that was Luhan.

Luhan poured him a glass.

Sehun drowned it in one go.

Luhan eyed him critically. “Easy, boy. No need to panic because of me undressing. I'm not gonna eat you.”

Oh Luhan, why you fuckin' lying?