I FUCKING LOVE THE VENTURE BROTHERS NAKLDSNALNFDKSANFLNASKLF. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is my favourite character.
That said, though, I think this came a little too close to Venture Bros -- I could definitely see Dr. Mrs. The Monarch in Madam Anarchy, The Monarch in Firefury, and the Moppets in the Great Danes. I could also see Henchman 447 as 21. And while it's good to be inspired by something, the problem became that I knew who each character was while reading -- even before your note at the bottom. So it's a little too close to read as original fiction, but not close enough for fanfiction.
Otherwise, though, the interactions were cute and well done, and I think with tweaking, it could be less of a fanfiction and more of your own thing. I think the best character was Dr. Benjamin -- he was his own thing, and I was really intrigued by his interaction with the Henchman. I'd LOVE to see more of them!
Damn, I was trying to give a bit of the VB craziness but with a hotter villan. I was picturing Firefury sort of as an Evil Dr. Venture (senior, not Rusty). Oh well, writing doesn't always come out like you envision in your head.
I'm glad you enjoyed it though and I totally was making Madam Anarchy dress up the mutant Danes like Dr. Mrs. The Monarch did the Moppets. I just had to do that, horrible monsters whimped out by girly costumes, it's too much to pass up.
Cute! I'm sure that if he were free, Dr. Benjamin would make a bomb because a lot of superheroes/villains need therapy. It would certainly explain a lot anyway :P Good luck!
Re: Edit!selkie_queenOctober 20 2010, 01:52:54 UTC
Thank you for taking the time to edit for me. My sentence structure is my weakest area so I need an extra pair of eyes with my work.
I purposely kept the the Mutant Danes "identity" a secret to give the story a little more goofiness at the end, however, if it makes it a better piece I can remove that.
Henchman Four-four-seven was supposed to be sneaking in after the Mutant Danes to clean up their drool, I can fix that entrance.
I have to say, I like Dr. Benjamin the most -- wonder how he got stuck as a tween? (magic, yes, but how/why?). Though I figured that creatures in question were dogs, it was kind of weird to wait until nearly the end to figure out just what made them so very bizarre that the couple went to counseling over them. With some quirky banter, to boot, which was fun~
Muchly elated editormermaidbiaOctober 22 2010, 08:16:23 UTC
Hello, selkie, long time no see! It turns out I'm your other editor this week!
General opinion: Good lord, I love this! It's definitely one of the best pieces I've read by you. Aside from it being just a brilliant concept in general - and you fit it out with hilarious ideas to match and make it real - what I really love about this is your showing confidence as a writer. I love how you actually catch the reader off guard from the very beginning and make him work his part in order to get to the payoff. You don't spoonfeed every single bit of information to make this piece work, all throughout the piece you keep the details and the overall scope of this in secrecy in order for us to figure it out. That takes a lot of skill and imagination because you trust the reader not to be an insecure moron in need of every single detail. And I love it when writers actually dare to do this, plunge headfirst into a scenario and then just going with it. It lends a quick, unpredictable energy to the piece, because we're told to keep on our toes and
( ... )
Re: Muchly elated editormermaidbiaOctober 22 2010, 08:16:50 UTC
And I'm gonna take a stand here, disagree with thora and say: Keep the descriptions of the two 'acquisitions' vague as they are! I know where Thora is coming from, and upon the first read it IS a little off-throwing (that a word?) However, I think it just adds to the complexity of the world you're uncurling here - not least the snarky tone - to keep it all a bit vague. Maybe you could just imply a bit (!) more that they're dogs at the start? But again, I absolutely applaud the route you've taken here. See, even editors can disagree!
"I'm gonna look like a fag with those two," Firefury growled as he looked at the two. They had returned to their spots by the door. This last line feels a bit out of pace with the rest, standing a little lonely - maybe you could connect the two lines? Firefury growled as he looked at the two, who had returned to their spots by the door.
Madam Anarchy muttered as she looked at the two. Attention: (Thora has pointed this out, but) You've got two characters 'looking at the two' in the exact same formation.
( ... )
Comments 8
That said, though, I think this came a little too close to Venture Bros -- I could definitely see Dr. Mrs. The Monarch in Madam Anarchy, The Monarch in Firefury, and the Moppets in the Great Danes. I could also see Henchman 447 as 21. And while it's good to be inspired by something, the problem became that I knew who each character was while reading -- even before your note at the bottom. So it's a little too close to read as original fiction, but not close enough for fanfiction.
Otherwise, though, the interactions were cute and well done, and I think with tweaking, it could be less of a fanfiction and more of your own thing. I think the best character was Dr. Benjamin -- he was his own thing, and I was really intrigued by his interaction with the Henchman. I'd LOVE to see more of them!
Reply
I'm glad you enjoyed it though and I totally was making Madam Anarchy dress up the mutant Danes like Dr. Mrs. The Monarch did the Moppets. I just had to do that, horrible monsters whimped out by girly costumes, it's too much to pass up.
Thanks for the comment!
Reply
Good luck!
Reply
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
I purposely kept the the Mutant Danes "identity" a secret to give the story a little more goofiness at the end, however, if it makes it a better piece I can remove that.
Henchman Four-four-seven was supposed to be sneaking in after the Mutant Danes to clean up their drool, I can fix that entrance.
Thanks again!
Reply
Reply
General opinion: Good lord, I love this! It's definitely one of the best pieces I've read by you. Aside from it being just a brilliant concept in general - and you fit it out with hilarious ideas to match and make it real - what I really love about this is your showing confidence as a writer. I love how you actually catch the reader off guard from the very beginning and make him work his part in order to get to the payoff. You don't spoonfeed every single bit of information to make this piece work, all throughout the piece you keep the details and the overall scope of this in secrecy in order for us to figure it out. That takes a lot of skill and imagination because you trust the reader not to be an insecure moron in need of every single detail. And I love it when writers actually dare to do this, plunge headfirst into a scenario and then just going with it. It lends a quick, unpredictable energy to the piece, because we're told to keep on our toes and ( ... )
Reply
"I'm gonna look like a fag with those two," Firefury growled as he looked at the two. They had returned to their spots by the door.
This last line feels a bit out of pace with the rest, standing a little lonely - maybe you could connect the two lines?
Firefury growled as he looked at the two, who had returned to their spots by the door.
Madam Anarchy muttered as she looked at the two. Attention: (Thora has pointed this out, but) You've got two characters 'looking at the two' in the exact same formation. ( ... )
Reply
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