I saw that your piece was up for volunteer edits and thought I would help out. I didn't find much, as your grammar and story structure flows well. I enjoyed reading the story and made a couple of notes below:
I watched as the King's eyes narrowed in rage and the Princes widened in panic. Is there a reason for princes being capitalized here? It seems that since it is plural, it wouldn't need to be capital.
Cinder's eyes were glowing, not the usual fire-ember blue she and I shared, no, my sister's eyes were glowing with the spirit of the hunt. The "no" in the middle of this sentence makes it sound awkward.
Where Ash runs, Cinder will follow. Love the way this is worded!
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I watched as the King's eyes narrowed in rage and the Princes widened in panic. Is there a reason for princes being capitalized here? It seems that since it is plural, it wouldn't need to be capital.
Cinder's eyes were glowing, not the usual fire-ember blue she and I shared, no, my sister's eyes were glowing with the spirit of the hunt. The "no" in the middle of this sentence makes it sound awkward.
Where Ash runs, Cinder will follow. Love the way this is worded!
Good luck!
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