Comments | seasoned_snips: Ghost Hunt - One-shot

parsnip_chan in seasoned_snips

Ghost Hunt - One-shot - G

Jun 10, 2009 23:08

Title: Morning Tea
Fandom: Ghost Hunt
Pairing/Prompt: Naru/Lin - Domesticity; the morning light through curtains
Rating: G
Word count: ~775

Author's Note: Constructive criticism is always welcomed and appreciated.

( Morning Tea )

[length] oneshot, [comm] springkink, [fandom] ghost hunt

Comments 3

tsukihime_san June 11 2009, 07:44:35 UTC

I liked how you handled the prompt here - it is a really quiet, "home-brings-comfort" piece. When I watched the series, I always saw Lin as one of the pillars in Naru's life - steady and reassuring, sort of like older brother/father/best friend mix with a dash of motherly concern. So, good work!
I wish you wrote in a bit more details the second part of the story, after Naru speaks aloud. It felt like a lot is being left unsaid, as if you suddenly kick the reader our of Naru's mind, shifting the POV towards a distant observer's point.

parsnip_chan June 12 2009, 04:30:05 UTC

Thank-you! This one was particularly difficult for me because Lin did not want to cooperate at all. It seemed to work better from Naru's point of view for some reason.

I do understand where you were coming from with the changing POV's though. I think it was the last sentence because I basically pulled back and kind of skipped into a vision of the immediate future. I think I've fixed that now. Thanks for pointing it out ^__^

tsukihime_san June 12 2009, 04:50:56 UTC

yes, I do like it better this way. And not only because you've added interaction between them (*Aww*), but also because it is flowing better and has the same sort of voice throughout the whole piece <3