Kyou Kara Maou - Oneshot - Pride

[parsnip_chan]

Title: Pride
Word Count: 1,391
Genre: General
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Character/Pairing: Wolfram, Troops, Gwendal
Rating: PG

Author's Note: This started as an exercise to see if I could stick to third person limited rather than third person omniscient and only a glimmer of an idea to see what would happen if Gwendal and Wolfram faced each other in

Comments

[sheinah]

It was really great. I love the way you used the prompts, and the part where Wolfram takes his revenge against his men gave me a good laugh. I also love the ending. That's when we see the similarities between the two brothers : their sadism! lol Anyway, good work!

[parsnip_chan]

Thank-you ♥

[somniumdreams]

Aww! I loved the way Wolfram and Gwendal conspired at the end. Yuuri doesn't have nearly enough tricks played on him. *nodsnods*

I also really enjoyed Wolfram wreaking havoc to punish his men. It was so much fun to picture!

I think you did a really great job writing for the prompt! <3

[parsnip_chan]

That's probably because Yuuri doesn't realize tricks are played on him when they are XD

Thank-you for your review!

[lenainverse]

All right, concrit ahoy! ^_^

It was a debate Wolfram would have preferred avoiding, but things never turned out the way he wanted. Sweat glistened on his brow as he slowly crossed his right foot over his left…I think the transition between these two sentences is a bit choppy. Going from the nameless debate to the fight without explaining kind of threw me a bit. In general, the first two paragraphs didn’t really flow for me, and after I got to the end of the second paragraph I had to go back and reread them now that I had the setting clear in my mind. I would perhaps rearrange things slightly, describing the sweat on his brow and the concentration and mentioning that he was staring Gwendal down, and then possibly mention the debate

[lenainverse]

Did he have to cheer so loudly?
Again, this transition made me blink. It becomes clear shortly, but at the same time the transition is choppy. Perhaps something like Wolfram hearing cheering around him, but trying to focus on the duel, then getting distracted by Yuuri’s loud cheering and being irritated by it? Not sure though…

That slip of Gwendal's foot had been calculated from the beginning
&hearts &hearts &hearts Gwendal, I love you!!! And I love this line! It’s so perfect for Gwen to do something like that. ^_^

He was rewarded with a smile twitch. "You barely lasted longer than that, Wolfram."
*fangirl squeeing like whoa*

"You don't expect me to keep doing them forever, do you Yuuri?"
More nitpicking, but…Gwendal hasn’t called Yuuri by his name once that I can recall. It’s always “Your Majesty,” probably out of spite. XP

If he just behaved, only a fourth of those documents would need to be signed personally. The rest was mere window dressing.*laughs* Love this!! It’s just so prefect to have Gwendal torture Yuuri

[parsnip_chan]

Ack! You practically beta'd this fic for me! Thank-you, although you really didn't have to go that in depth. Still, I loved your comments ♥ *GLOMPS*

Concerning the baseball paragraph: I may have been to vague for my own good in that paragraph and/or implied to great a degree of intimacy between Wolfram and Yuuri that isn't really supported elsewhere, so I can see why that might feel a bit off. It's amazing how you managed to find every paragraph/sentence that I was a bit hesitant on leaving or rewriting ^^

I don’t really know if he’d actually throw fire into a group of his men: I was attempting to convey the feeling that Wolfram was confident enough in his troops ability to react quickly because he did use magic here. However, he also was protecting them slightly in the sense that he did give them a warning before throwing magic at them. I'll have to think about how I can reword this though. You've definitely made a good point here. *ponders*

On Gwendal's use of Yuuri's name or lack thereof: O.O I never noticed that... Man I need

[vivarina]

Nice fic, it's definitely interesting to read about a batlle between Gwendal and Wolfram. Also, I like the flow of the story a lot, and I especially loved how Gwendal and Wolfram conspired against Yuuri in the end ^_^
I like how you described the relationship between Gwendal and Wolfram, and the inclusion of the giggling maids is definitely very nice XD

The only concrit I can offer is on characterization of the relationship between Wolfram and his troops. I know it's not quite evident in anime, but Wolfram's soldiers respect him a lot and would always support him no matter what he attempted, so I doubt they would have betted against him.
Also, I don't think Wolfram would have released a spell on his men like that as he does care about them and would have thought about the fact that it might potentially injure them.

Just my opinions ^^;;

[wipes_nose]

I see that Lena left a very detailed review and she brought up a lot of interesting points ~ more coherent that I could be XD So I'll comment more about the tone that I noticed while reading your fic.

I felt Wolfram's voice throughout your piece was very strong and slightly dark. I haven't read a lot of fics with Wolfram's voice portrayed as you have and it intrigued me while reading your fic. I felt there was a hinge of menace, whether it was due to Wolfram's annoyance of the 'incessant murmuring' of his guards or due to the rivalry Wolfram must have felt having to spar with his brother again or due to losing to Yuuri prior... Although, it's probably all 3 issues being compounded and everything basically led up to Wolfram's pride issue as you've indicated through your title name. Overall, I think it works very well, your title and the way you've presented the issues as you have <3

[parsnip_chan]

♥ I was completely not expecting you to comment on this and with such a wonderful comment in addition! Thank-you. ♥ And the dark tone was merely an unexpected benefit; I was actually aiming for hidden irritation ^___^