(no subject)
Apologies: A Dialogue
By Willowgreen
Summary: Buffy and Spike reconsider past wrongs. There’s a lot to talk about.
Setting: An alternate universe in which Buffy and Spike make some basic effort to communicate.
Spoilers: Miscellaneous, general in nature, through BtVS early Season 7.
Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I just like to borrow them.
Author’s note: This is pure wish-fulfillment. It fits into the Seasonal Spuffy “fairytales” theme in the sense that only in my wildest fantasies could Spike and Buffy ever have a conversation like this.
Many thanks to fabulous and speedy betas gotkona and edenfalling! Particular thanks to edenfalling for suggesting the prologue and helping make sense of Buffy's long speech toward the end. All errors, discontinuities, unconvincing character voices and twisted logic remain, of course, my own.
Prologue
Once upon a time, two enemy warriors fell in love.
These warriors were both proud and passionate. They were very good at fighting evil, saving the world, and having hot, hot sex. But there was one thing they were very bad at.
They couldn’t talk to each other.
Over the years, the warriors did each other grievous harm many times. They loved each other anyway. They forgave each other as best they could. But neither one could quite escape the guilt, the anger, the lingering doubts.
Then one day, a meddlesome witch from another dimension sprinkled a bit of magic dust into their morning beverages (blood for him, Tab for her). And they began to talk.
Spike: Sorry about that whole, you know, stalking thing I was doing for a while, when your mum was sick and all. Must’ve worried you a bit.
Buffy: No big. I kinda knew you were there most of the time. And in a way, I liked it. I liked knowing you were there looking out for me. And I liked knowing there was always someone I could stake nearby, if I really, really needed to kill something.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: You know, that time you were insane and you draped yourself over the cross and gave that whole long speech in the church? I’m sorry I never, kind of, dealt with you about it.
Spike: Didn’t do it to get a reaction, love. Well, maybe I did, but I knew I didn’t deserve one. Big pity party like that’s never been the best way to get your attention. And I was insane, not stupid.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike: Remember that time I kidnapped you and knocked you out and said I’d feed you to Dru if you didn’t admit you loved me?
Buffy: Yeah?
Spike: Guess I never apologized for that. Really shouldn’t have done it. Sorry, love.
Buffy: Well, I was pretty mad at the time. But I got over it. Would you really have fed me to Dru?
Spike: Thought I meant to. But looking back, I think I’d have found some way to cock it up, if it’d come to that.
Buffy: Getting involved with Harmony was probably a good first step.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: So, remember when I asked you to tell me how you killed the other slayers, and you told me, and then I was really mean to you and said you were beneath me?
Spike: Yeah, I remember.
Buffy: Sorry.
Spike: Hey, I got my beer and buffalo wings out of the bargain. No complaints.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike: Back when we were first - uh - together, and I kept telling you that you were dark inside, like me?
Buffy: Yes.
Spike: Shouldn’t have done that.
Buffy: You weren’t wrong, about the darkness thing.
Spike: That’s why I shouldn’t have done it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: Remember that time when we found Katrina’s body and you were trying to stop me from turning myself in and I, um . . .
Spike: Go on.
Buffy: Um. I beat you up. Worse than usual.
Spike: You did.
Buffy: Are you gonna help me out here?
Spike: Nope.
Buffy: Well. I’m sorry. I mean - I’m really, really sorry.
Spike: Buffy - love, don’t cry. There, it’s all right. Here’s a tissue.
Buffy: It’s just - I never thought about it till later, but I left you there, and you couldn’t walk, and what if the sun had come up?
Spike: Oh, don’t be stupid. I let you beat me up, remember? As soon as you left, I just about sprinted back to my crypt. Could’ve iced my face, but I wanted to be sure the marks were still there for your birthday party.
Buffy: You what? And you let me think I practically killed you this whole time? How could you?
Spike: Hey, it’s your turn to apologize this round! Don’t you go getting mad at me!
Buffy: Oh, fine. I’m still sorry. But don’t ever leave me thinking I hurt you like that again. Or I really will.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike: So, that time in the bathroom…
Buffy: I don’t want to talk about that.
Spike: But I think we have to. I mean, if we’re going to right past wrongs and all, that’s the big one, isn’t it?
Buffy: But I really don’t want to talk about it.
Spike: Why not?
Buffy: I don’t want to talk about why not!
Spike: Let me talk, then.
Buffy: Fine. Talk. I’ll just stick my fingers in my ears. La-la-la, I can’t hear you!
Spike: THEN I’LL JUST HAVE TO YELL SO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE GETS TO LISTEN, TOO!
Buffy: La-la, la-la-la-la.
Spike: BUFFY, I’M SORRY! EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME, I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE I TRIED TO DO THAT TO YOU! I LOVED YOU SO MUCH, AND I WAS SO SURE YOU LOVED ME, AND I THOUGHT THERE HAD TO BE SOME WAY TO MAKE YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME. BUT TO THINK THAT I COULD DO THAT BY-
Buffy: By trying to rape me.
Spike: Aha! You were listening.
Buffy: Spike, you were all set to rape me.
Spike: Buffy, I’m sorry. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. Well, I don’t deserve to be forgiven for a lot of things, but that one . . .
Buffy: Spike, it was horrible. It was. But, like you said, you don’t deserve to be forgiven for a lot of things, and I’ve forgiven you for most of them.
Spike: But if I hadn’t stopped -
Buffy: You did stop. Anyway, do you really think I couldn’t have stopped you, if I’d had to?
Spike: I made you cry.
Buffy: Yes. You did.
Spike: I’m sorry. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry I made you cry.
Buffy: Thanks.
Spike: That’s it? “Thanks”? That’s all you have to say about it?
Buffy: Pretty much.
Spike: So we’re done talking about it?
Buffy: Forever.
Spike: No. No, that’s not good enough.
Buffy: What kind of garbage is that? You apologize, I accept your apology, we move on. Right?
Spike: Wrong. You didn’t accept my apology. You said “Thanks.” You didn’t say, “I forgive you,” and you didn’t say, “I’ll never forgive you.” You didn’t even say, “I might forgive you someday.” Far as I’m concerned, we’re still in limbo.
Buffy: I like limbo. Some people think limbo might be a lot like heaven.
Spike: Well, you’re not going back there anytime soon, if I have anything to do with it. Look, I’m sorry it makes you feel bad to talk about it, but I don’t understand why. And I think - I think I need to understand, if we’re to be together.
Buffy: So now it’s ultimatum time? Accept your apology or else?
Spike: No, of course not. I’m just asking you. Buffy, I’m begging you. Why can’t you talk to me about this?
Buffy: -----------
Spike: I can wait all day.
Buffy: ---------
Spike: Fuck that. I can’t wait another moment. Please, Buffy, won’t you tell me, at least a little bit, what’s in your mind?
Buffy: Okay. Fine. I guess it’s no secret that I can’t resist a begging, pleading vampire.
Look, Spike, that was a horrible, crazy time. And, yeah, you hurt me. But what hurt most of all was that, no matter what I said to you, I was beginning to trust you - to trust that you wouldn’t hurt me anymore, not in any way that mattered.
And then you did.
It was like losing Mom all over again. Like Giles leaving all over again. I was so mad at myself for trusting you. And then, when I thought about how I treated you, I almost wondered if I deserved to be hurt like that - except no one deserves to be hurt like that, of course. But it’s not about what we deserve, you know? And it’s not just the big bad demons and the evil little nerds. You loved me as much as you could love anything, and you hurt me so badly, when you didn't even want to. Life hurts us, over and over again. It just doesn't make sense.
And now . . . now you have the soul and all, and I want to trust you, I want to be happy with you. But still, when I think about that - thing - my brain starts to feel like it’s going to explode. So can we please, please stop talking about it?
Spike: Okay.
Buffy: Really?
Spike: Yeah.
Buffy: Oh. ‘Cause I thought you’d want to talk more about it.
Spike: Well, I would, but if you’re looking to work out why evil exists in the world, a reformed vampire might not be the best fellow to start off with.
Buffy: So we can drop it now?
Spike: Sure. -
Well, there’s one more thing . . .
Buffy: Spiiiiiiiiike!
Spike: Is there any chance you’ll ever - any chance you might someday forgive me for that?
Buffy: Spike, you idiot. Didn’t I just tell you I forgave you a long time ago?
Spike: No, you didn’t.
Buffy: Oh. I guess not. Okay, then. I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you now. I accept your apology.
Spike: You do?
Buffy: Yes, I do.
Spike: Don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.
Buffy: Fine with me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Yes, love?
Buffy: I just ate the last jalapeno popper.
Spike: GRRRRRRRR! ARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!
Author’s apology afterword
This piece has its origins in my thoughts about those “Who’s more evil, Buffy or Spike?” debates. You know, the ones where one faction insists that Buffy is an unforgivable bitch because she left Spike alone to fry in the morning sun after the alley beating in “Dead Things,” and the other says that nothing Buffy was capable of doing could ever compare in horribleness to the attempted rape in “Seeing Red.” My own undead Spuffy heart (phrase ™ rahirah ) insists that despite these and many other wrongs done to each other, Buffy and Spike belong together. They just do, okay?
Nevertheless, each has done the other harm of a kind that can’t just be ignored. And then I started thinking about how there’s always one special conversation you want your beloved characters to have, and you’re so tempted to shoehorn the conversation into your newest plot idea, or to maneuver your characters into a position where they can’t avoid having it. Sometimes it works, but all too often the conversation stands apart from the story like a big neon sign saying “AUTHOR’S AGENDA.”
But that agenda won’t just go away. So I thought, Eh. Why not just skip the set-up and write the conversation? Hence, "Apologies" - one lazy writer’s approach to making her own wish for honesty between our favorite lovers come true. I hope it made some of your wishes come true as well.
By Willowgreen
Summary: Buffy and Spike reconsider past wrongs. There’s a lot to talk about.
Setting: An alternate universe in which Buffy and Spike make some basic effort to communicate.
Spoilers: Miscellaneous, general in nature, through BtVS early Season 7.
Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I just like to borrow them.
Author’s note: This is pure wish-fulfillment. It fits into the Seasonal Spuffy “fairytales” theme in the sense that only in my wildest fantasies could Spike and Buffy ever have a conversation like this.
Many thanks to fabulous and speedy betas gotkona and edenfalling! Particular thanks to edenfalling for suggesting the prologue and helping make sense of Buffy's long speech toward the end. All errors, discontinuities, unconvincing character voices and twisted logic remain, of course, my own.
Prologue
Once upon a time, two enemy warriors fell in love.
These warriors were both proud and passionate. They were very good at fighting evil, saving the world, and having hot, hot sex. But there was one thing they were very bad at.
They couldn’t talk to each other.
Over the years, the warriors did each other grievous harm many times. They loved each other anyway. They forgave each other as best they could. But neither one could quite escape the guilt, the anger, the lingering doubts.
Then one day, a meddlesome witch from another dimension sprinkled a bit of magic dust into their morning beverages (blood for him, Tab for her). And they began to talk.
Spike: Sorry about that whole, you know, stalking thing I was doing for a while, when your mum was sick and all. Must’ve worried you a bit.
Buffy: No big. I kinda knew you were there most of the time. And in a way, I liked it. I liked knowing you were there looking out for me. And I liked knowing there was always someone I could stake nearby, if I really, really needed to kill something.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: You know, that time you were insane and you draped yourself over the cross and gave that whole long speech in the church? I’m sorry I never, kind of, dealt with you about it.
Spike: Didn’t do it to get a reaction, love. Well, maybe I did, but I knew I didn’t deserve one. Big pity party like that’s never been the best way to get your attention. And I was insane, not stupid.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike: Remember that time I kidnapped you and knocked you out and said I’d feed you to Dru if you didn’t admit you loved me?
Buffy: Yeah?
Spike: Guess I never apologized for that. Really shouldn’t have done it. Sorry, love.
Buffy: Well, I was pretty mad at the time. But I got over it. Would you really have fed me to Dru?
Spike: Thought I meant to. But looking back, I think I’d have found some way to cock it up, if it’d come to that.
Buffy: Getting involved with Harmony was probably a good first step.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: So, remember when I asked you to tell me how you killed the other slayers, and you told me, and then I was really mean to you and said you were beneath me?
Spike: Yeah, I remember.
Buffy: Sorry.
Spike: Hey, I got my beer and buffalo wings out of the bargain. No complaints.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike: Back when we were first - uh - together, and I kept telling you that you were dark inside, like me?
Buffy: Yes.
Spike: Shouldn’t have done that.
Buffy: You weren’t wrong, about the darkness thing.
Spike: That’s why I shouldn’t have done it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: Remember that time when we found Katrina’s body and you were trying to stop me from turning myself in and I, um . . .
Spike: Go on.
Buffy: Um. I beat you up. Worse than usual.
Spike: You did.
Buffy: Are you gonna help me out here?
Spike: Nope.
Buffy: Well. I’m sorry. I mean - I’m really, really sorry.
Spike: Buffy - love, don’t cry. There, it’s all right. Here’s a tissue.
Buffy: It’s just - I never thought about it till later, but I left you there, and you couldn’t walk, and what if the sun had come up?
Spike: Oh, don’t be stupid. I let you beat me up, remember? As soon as you left, I just about sprinted back to my crypt. Could’ve iced my face, but I wanted to be sure the marks were still there for your birthday party.
Buffy: You what? And you let me think I practically killed you this whole time? How could you?
Spike: Hey, it’s your turn to apologize this round! Don’t you go getting mad at me!
Buffy: Oh, fine. I’m still sorry. But don’t ever leave me thinking I hurt you like that again. Or I really will.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike: So, that time in the bathroom…
Buffy: I don’t want to talk about that.
Spike: But I think we have to. I mean, if we’re going to right past wrongs and all, that’s the big one, isn’t it?
Buffy: But I really don’t want to talk about it.
Spike: Why not?
Buffy: I don’t want to talk about why not!
Spike: Let me talk, then.
Buffy: Fine. Talk. I’ll just stick my fingers in my ears. La-la-la, I can’t hear you!
Spike: THEN I’LL JUST HAVE TO YELL SO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE GETS TO LISTEN, TOO!
Buffy: La-la, la-la-la-la.
Spike: BUFFY, I’M SORRY! EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME, I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE I TRIED TO DO THAT TO YOU! I LOVED YOU SO MUCH, AND I WAS SO SURE YOU LOVED ME, AND I THOUGHT THERE HAD TO BE SOME WAY TO MAKE YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME. BUT TO THINK THAT I COULD DO THAT BY-
Buffy: By trying to rape me.
Spike: Aha! You were listening.
Buffy: Spike, you were all set to rape me.
Spike: Buffy, I’m sorry. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. Well, I don’t deserve to be forgiven for a lot of things, but that one . . .
Buffy: Spike, it was horrible. It was. But, like you said, you don’t deserve to be forgiven for a lot of things, and I’ve forgiven you for most of them.
Spike: But if I hadn’t stopped -
Buffy: You did stop. Anyway, do you really think I couldn’t have stopped you, if I’d had to?
Spike: I made you cry.
Buffy: Yes. You did.
Spike: I’m sorry. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry I made you cry.
Buffy: Thanks.
Spike: That’s it? “Thanks”? That’s all you have to say about it?
Buffy: Pretty much.
Spike: So we’re done talking about it?
Buffy: Forever.
Spike: No. No, that’s not good enough.
Buffy: What kind of garbage is that? You apologize, I accept your apology, we move on. Right?
Spike: Wrong. You didn’t accept my apology. You said “Thanks.” You didn’t say, “I forgive you,” and you didn’t say, “I’ll never forgive you.” You didn’t even say, “I might forgive you someday.” Far as I’m concerned, we’re still in limbo.
Buffy: I like limbo. Some people think limbo might be a lot like heaven.
Spike: Well, you’re not going back there anytime soon, if I have anything to do with it. Look, I’m sorry it makes you feel bad to talk about it, but I don’t understand why. And I think - I think I need to understand, if we’re to be together.
Buffy: So now it’s ultimatum time? Accept your apology or else?
Spike: No, of course not. I’m just asking you. Buffy, I’m begging you. Why can’t you talk to me about this?
Buffy: -----------
Spike: I can wait all day.
Buffy: ---------
Spike: Fuck that. I can’t wait another moment. Please, Buffy, won’t you tell me, at least a little bit, what’s in your mind?
Buffy: Okay. Fine. I guess it’s no secret that I can’t resist a begging, pleading vampire.
Look, Spike, that was a horrible, crazy time. And, yeah, you hurt me. But what hurt most of all was that, no matter what I said to you, I was beginning to trust you - to trust that you wouldn’t hurt me anymore, not in any way that mattered.
And then you did.
It was like losing Mom all over again. Like Giles leaving all over again. I was so mad at myself for trusting you. And then, when I thought about how I treated you, I almost wondered if I deserved to be hurt like that - except no one deserves to be hurt like that, of course. But it’s not about what we deserve, you know? And it’s not just the big bad demons and the evil little nerds. You loved me as much as you could love anything, and you hurt me so badly, when you didn't even want to. Life hurts us, over and over again. It just doesn't make sense.
And now . . . now you have the soul and all, and I want to trust you, I want to be happy with you. But still, when I think about that - thing - my brain starts to feel like it’s going to explode. So can we please, please stop talking about it?
Spike: Okay.
Buffy: Really?
Spike: Yeah.
Buffy: Oh. ‘Cause I thought you’d want to talk more about it.
Spike: Well, I would, but if you’re looking to work out why evil exists in the world, a reformed vampire might not be the best fellow to start off with.
Buffy: So we can drop it now?
Spike: Sure. -
Well, there’s one more thing . . .
Buffy: Spiiiiiiiiike!
Spike: Is there any chance you’ll ever - any chance you might someday forgive me for that?
Buffy: Spike, you idiot. Didn’t I just tell you I forgave you a long time ago?
Spike: No, you didn’t.
Buffy: Oh. I guess not. Okay, then. I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you now. I accept your apology.
Spike: You do?
Buffy: Yes, I do.
Spike: Don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.
Buffy: Fine with me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Yes, love?
Buffy: I just ate the last jalapeno popper.
Spike: GRRRRRRRR! ARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!
Author’s apology afterword
This piece has its origins in my thoughts about those “Who’s more evil, Buffy or Spike?” debates. You know, the ones where one faction insists that Buffy is an unforgivable bitch because she left Spike alone to fry in the morning sun after the alley beating in “Dead Things,” and the other says that nothing Buffy was capable of doing could ever compare in horribleness to the attempted rape in “Seeing Red.” My own undead Spuffy heart (phrase ™ rahirah ) insists that despite these and many other wrongs done to each other, Buffy and Spike belong together. They just do, okay?
Nevertheless, each has done the other harm of a kind that can’t just be ignored. And then I started thinking about how there’s always one special conversation you want your beloved characters to have, and you’re so tempted to shoehorn the conversation into your newest plot idea, or to maneuver your characters into a position where they can’t avoid having it. Sometimes it works, but all too often the conversation stands apart from the story like a big neon sign saying “AUTHOR’S AGENDA.”
But that agenda won’t just go away. So I thought, Eh. Why not just skip the set-up and write the conversation? Hence, "Apologies" - one lazy writer’s approach to making her own wish for honesty between our favorite lovers come true. I hope it made some of your wishes come true as well.