[oc] The things I already know (2/3)

[sdlucly]

Part one | Part two | Part three



The things I already know

II.

Ryan blinks, slowly, and for a second, in the realm that's between sleep and awake. He wants to rub his eyes with both fists, but instead his hands tighten around what he holds in between them. He blinks once again, lifting his head off the pillow enough to see Sophie, head turned to the side, sleeping almost peacefully on his chest.

He groans on the back of his throat, squeezing his eyes shut. He can almost feel her shifting on his chest. His headache is gone, at least, but he can feel his shoulder blades and neck starting to hurt, and he hasn't even sat up in bed yet. Palm open wide, covering all of Sophie's back, he uses his other hand to rub his eyes, his face, run his fingers through his hair.

It's only Thursday, and if he were back in campus he'd have the eight o'clock Resistance of Materials class. But he's at the Cohen's house, his house, his home, and after the day he had yesterday -- never ending, it seemed there for a bit -- he wants nothing more than to keep his eyes closed and pretend he can spend the rest of the day in bed.

Sophie shifts once again in his arms, and his waking up seems to have woken her as well, and when Ryan opens his eyes and looks down at the bundle on his chest, Sophie's looking back at him with wide blue eyes. He smiles, in despite of himself, and Sophie gurgles something that might have been a question, or an answer.

He smiles at her, sitting up in bed even as his left arm moves on its own to her bottom, his right palm holding her close to his chest. He nuzzles the top of her hair, smelling like baby shampoo and flowers, and places a kiss on her hairline. She gurgles again, a sound that makes him smile.

He swings his legs over the side of the bed, sock clad feet falling onto the rug in between both beds, and his neck starts to ache, joining in with his shoulder blades. He tries to stretch as much as he can with Sophie in his arms, and more than one vertebra pops and makes him feel twenty years older than he actually is. He glances at the clock, and it's late by his standards, because it's a quarter after eight. He stands up, and Sophie starts looking around, as if trying to figure out if they are in her house or back at his dorm. She glances at Seth, before gurgling something else and then looking at Ryan, mouth wide open.

For a moment Ryan fears she'll start wailing once again, but she just opens and closes her mouth. Hungry. Ryan nods, caressing her cheek, feeling a rush of emotion toward her.

"Yes, breakfast. Good idea."

He glances at Seth. He could wake Seth up, kick Seth's shin, Seth's knee jutting out from under the covers and edge of the bed, but he stops himself. He bites on his lower lip for a second, thinks of Seth falling asleep on the futon in the pool house, of Seth looking up at him with lazy eyes from under the edge of the covers, face half hidden under the pillow. Something softens inside him, in his very features and he sighs, looking down at Sophie looking back at him expectantly.

"Breakfast," he whispers, places his hand on the back of her head before walking out of the bedroom, leaving the door ajar after him, and down to the kitchen.

It's almost nine when Seth finally makes his way into the kitchen, in yesterday clothes, rubbing his face with his hands.

Ryan gives him a glance, a quick smile of his lips he can't stop, and then turns to regard Sophie once again, who's wearing more of her food than he was able to get into her. And she likes it for him to wear it as well. He looks down at himself, thinks he smells like something rotten crawled under his t-shirt -- the same from yesterday, yes -- and died and hasn't been let out. He picks up a washcloth he's been smart enough to keep at hand, and cleans his cheek from where her hand holding most of her peach breakfast reached out for him.

He looks down at the mug of coffee by his hand, already empty, and thinks that two cups is definitely not enough to deal with Sophie.

He picks up her spoon, leans closer to her. She reaches for the spoon and he's too slow, apparently, not quite awake, because she touches it and overbalances it, and it drops on top of her high chair. He sighs.

"You could have woken me up, you know?"

Ryan glances at Seth over his shoulder, making his way to the counter and pouring himself a cup of coffee. He wants to glare. Why? He thinks he asks in his mind. Why? So you can bitch about how you hate being here, when you could be in classes? I don't even know why the fuck I called you, Seth, I don't know why--

Seth rolls his shoulders back, like he slept in a bad position -- you and me both, Seth -- before picking up the coffee carafe and filling the mug by Ryan's elbow. Seth shrugs, filling his own cup once he's had a long drink. "I mean, I could have helped."

Ryan blinks, looks down at his cup, and mutters, "Thanks."

Seth waves it off, and as he turns to place the carafe back in the machine, Ryan can't help but snort under his breath. Because that's just like Seth, being an ass half the time and then doing something incredibly selfless that makes you want to strangle him. Ryan clears his throat, looking back at Sophie, who has given up on even trying to eat and is now reaching her hands for him, opening and closing them.

He sighs, places the spoon back in her bowl. He wonders what he can do to convince her that she's supposed to be eating that, not wearing it. She scrunches up her face.

"No, no, no," Ryan says, a tight smile on his lips. He had been certain Sophie wasn't going to cry anymore. "Kiddo, please, don't do this. I don't know--"

She reaches her arms out as much as she can, almost whining as she does so, face nothing but a grimace. Her eyes are squeezed in something he can't quite understand, not quite pain, not quite frustration.

He stands up, picking her up as he does so. He settles her on his hip, one hand on her bottom, the other on her back, and her face starts to relax the more he bounces on his place. "Come on, Sophie, I can't." I can't hold you all day long, he wants to say, but doesn't, and the way she looks back at him, it's almost like she's saying, wanna bet?

Seth leans back against the kitchen counter, tilts his head. Ryan glares at him, even as Seth smiles. "I don't know, maybe she's tired of being in that chair."

Ryan glares at him even more. "She wasn't there for more than twenty minutes, if that. She threatened with crying a few times before she settled." And Ryan realized that heating up her breakfast with her in his arms is way more difficult than it should be.

Seth grins, almost as if he's pleased, and Ryan has nothing at hand that he can throw at him and not miss. "It can't be that bad."

"My arm is numb, Seth, how in the world could it be worse?" He says through gritted teeth, a shake of his head, and Sophie beams up at him as if he just gave her the best present ever.

Actually, his arm shakes. It literally shakes, and he knows it's from the exertion of holding her all day yesterday. He thinks it won't pass today. He swaps her to his other arm, and she giggles, looking up at him with a wide smile, showing her gums and starting to drool.

"Hmm. I don't know?"

Ryan turns around and glares at Seth. He sighs, his headache coming back viciously, his temples hurting all of a sudden. He blinks, and the light seems too bright for a second, before there's a hand on his shoulder, and he blinks again and turns to look at Seth.

Seth, close enough to touch him. Seth, concern on his face and Ryan shakes his head once, takes a step back.

"I'm fine," he says, and peers at Sophie who's looking back at him almost worriedly. He smiles at her, nuzzles her hair, and her fingers touch his ear, then his cheekbone, and she's smiling back at him.

"Come on." Seth pulls up the sleeves of his shirt, extending his arms. "Give her to me. Give yourself a moment to at least fry us some eggs and bacon," he says, grinning.

Ryan gives up on glaring at Seth, because it's not even making a dent on the man's behavior, and hands Sophie to him. It takes Seth a moment to settle her against his chest, and then to his hip, like Ryan had her not even a minute ago. But that's long enough for her to get a good breath in and start wailing at the top of her not so little lungs.

"Oh, Sophie, baby, come on. You know me, right?" Seth makes faces at her, but she isn't listening, she doesn't care. Her hands are closed into fists, and she hits Seth with all her might.

Seth shifts her and tries to coddle her, and Ryan hears Sophie wail even louder, like her heart is breaking, even as he picks up eggs from the fridge and cracks them open on the edge of the frying pan. He makes breakfast with quick movements, watching Seth out of the corner of his eyes. Sophie doesn't stop crying.

Ryan places the eggs and bacon on two plates, and Seth turns to look at him with wide brown eyes that beg for an answer to a question he doesn't even seem to have. Ryan sighs, and then notices the way Seth shifts and moves, and Sophie keeps moving with him, away from him, arms stretched and reaching for Ryan. For Ryan.

Ryan swallows, shakes his head once and takes a step closer to them. He nudges Seth, and Seth sighs even as he takes Sophie into his arms, and Sophie stops crying, her face is still scrunched up. He bobs her a couple of times, runs his hand over her hair, pulling it back, and notices how soft it is against his palm.

Ryan paces the space between the kitchen and the dinning room, back and forth until Sophie's smiling back at him and Seth has set the table and plates, sitting there with a mug in one hand and a fork in the other. Seth shrugs, not quite apologetically. Ryan rolls his eyes.

He looks down at her, grinning back at him, even though her cheeks are still damp. He wipes them with the edge of his shirt, and she beams at him.

"I don't get it, you know," Ryan tells her with a snort. "Yesterday you hated me. What changed?"

She gurgles, demanding even more attention than she already has with her grip on the front of his shirt. He smiles at her, shakes his head, and settles her so he can at least pick up his coffee with one hand.

Seth glances at her, gives her a smile that she returns, but doesn't reach for Seth. Ryan thinks Seth might be a little grateful for that. "She's your sister," Seth says as he polishes off a good portion of his eggs with a slice of bread, "of course she likes you."

No, this isn't liking. This is her wanting him to keep her in his arms. For an undetermined amount of time. Ryan narrows his eyes at Seth. "She happens to have your last name."

Seth grins, wide and happy, then makes a funny face at Sophie. This time, Sophie responds in kind, giggling and gurgling and drooling a bit more on her shirt. Ryan snorts, and thinks he'll have to figure out a way to change her afterwards.

"Cohens have always been partial to one Ryan Atwood. I can't really blame her."

Ryan sighs, looking down at the mug on the table, and feels something uncoil in his chest, even as he looks at Seth from the corner of his eyes. He sits down at the table, shifting Sophie so she sits on his lap, but her face scrunches up once again, and Ryan huffs and stands up.

"So you want me standing, huh?" Sophie gurgles something back, bobbing her head as if she's nodding. She very well might be. Ryan sighs. "Okay, okay."

Ryan stands by the table, taking a long drink from his mug when Seth stands up, wiping his hands on his jeans. He watches Seth in silence, Sophie pulling at his shirt and yet not noticing. Seth looks for Sophie's bottle and finds it, pours milk and warms it up. Ryan smiles, softly and tenderly in his lips, a feeling familiar inside him, and yet alien at the same time, it has been so long since it was this strong.

Seth tests it on the inside of his wrist, the first thing Kirsten taught them both about babies. Seth nods at Ryan, and then stands beside him, in front of Sophie, and her hand latches around the bottle and Seth's thumb, pulling it to her mouth immediately. Seth grins at her, his free hand on the back of her hair, on her hair.

Seth shrugs as he looks up at Ryan, gives him a small smile. "Thought I could help her with her bottle, while you eat yours. Doesn't look like she's gonna give up on you any time soon."

Ryan swallows, looking down at Sophie settled on his hip, at Seth holding the bottle for her, with her, and then back at Seth. He nods, and reaches for his mug. It's awkward, all three of them doing this together, and he can't quite eat the bread and eggs with one hand, but Seth gives Sophie a bit of scrambled eggs on his finger, and she chews on most of his hand, and Ryan smiles.

Sophie is supposed to take two or three naps during the day. She is supposed to. Supposed to, Ryan can't help but think, as he watches sitting up on her small blanket, in the middle of the living room. The TV is on and Seth keeps changing channels, never staying on one long enough for Ryan to even realize what the hell it's on.

Apparently, Sophie can compromise and allow Ryan to sit on the floor. But on the floor, not on a chair or couch, only on the floor, as long as he's close enough for her to touch, if she should want to do so. They figured this out after trying to put her in her playpen, in her ExerSaucer, in her baby swing, and she cried every time. Trial and error had them going for almost an hour there.

She claps at him, reaching her hands, and Ryan can't help but be drawn to her, reaching his hands as well, touching his fingers to her, and she laughs, throwing her head back. She does with so much enthusiasm that most of her body follows her head, and Ryan kneels up in a blink, both hands reaching for her before she cracks her skull on the floor. She laughs as he places her on her back on the blanket, lifting arms and legs, her hands touching her feet and rocking herself.

"You can't stand still for two minutes, can you?" Ryan asks Sophie, her head tilted to the side, looking back at him as if not understanding how he can't hear her say, Duh! He laughs with her, when she manages to place her sock clad foot on her mouth.

They were able to change her about an hour ago, right before lunch. Kirsten said that a bottle was more than enough, even though she liked giving her a couple of spoons of peach Gerber. Ryan had tried the peach thing during breakfast, and he ended up eating it, not her, so they thought they'd do with a bottle.

She gurgles something again, then flops from her back to her stomach, rocking in place, as if ready to race, waiting for the honk or the shot, and yet not hearing it. He chuckles, runs a finger over her back, over her perfect spine, and she seems to try to look over her should but can't quite make it. She ends up on her back once again.

Ryan smiles, leaning back against the edge of the couch, closing his eyes for a moment. His arms still shake, tremble from the exertion of yesterday and today and it's only been over twenty four hours, but it feels like a lifetime.

Then there's a hand on his hair, not quite touching the edge of one bang, and when he looks up, Seth's sitting at the edge of the couch, looking down at him with a soft expression, the smile reaching his eyes. Ryan breathes in, and it catches in his throat, before dropping his eyes to Sophie once again. Seth lets his hand fall away a second later.

"You could take a shower, you know."

"Huh," Ryan says, touching Sophie's foot and making her giggle, lifting her face, trying to see him and then dropping back. He turns to look at Seth, who shrugs.

"Take a shower," Seth says, placing his hands on either side of him and pushing himself off to the floor, sitting by Ryan's side. Seth's right knee touches his left one, like it used to do, ages ago. Ages and ages ago, in a small pool house and in a den, when life seemed to be so much simpler and yet not.

Seth jerks his head toward Sophie, who's picked up one of her toys from her blanket and is proceeding to drool all over it. It's like she's getting to know it with her mouth. Ryan can't help but snort in laughter at it.

"I'm sure I can mind the munchkin for a bit," Seth says with a shrug, pushing himself closer to her. "Right, Sophie? Wanna stay with me?"

She pulls the toy out of her mouth long enough to look at Seth and babble something, spit falling down her chin. Ryan laughs even as Seth pouts.

"I'll take that as a resigned yes," Seth says with an ironic smile on his lips.

Ryan frowns for a second, looking at Sophie sitting up and turning around, almost falling down on her face but yet not. "You sure?"

Seth nods, changing the channel after a minute, when the news picks up and they start showing images of the aftermath of an earthquake in South America. "Yeah, don't worry." Seth zaps until he finds Friends, and Ryan wonders if Seth hasn't seen that show about twenty times per episode.

Ryan considers it for a moment, even though he does want a shower, ten minutes to himself where he doesn't have to have Sophie in his arms, or on his sight. He could change clothes, into something that doesn't smell, and maybe even have a glass of juice, though beer would be more appropriate.

"Okay," Ryan says finally, standing up as he does so. Sophie turns to look at him immediately. He pauses, then sighs. "I won't be long."

Seth shrugs it off, pulling Sophie to him when she tries to crawl and can't. "We'll be fine." He settles Sophie on his lap, but she turns around in his grasp, arms stretched in Ryan's direction.

Ryan sighs, feeling guilty for leaving her. "I won't be--"

"Dude, I already showered and changed, you deserve the same." Seth shifts her again, placing her more securely on his lap, hands on her sides even as she squirms and scrunches up her face. "Take an hour. We'll be fine."

Ryan walks away before his resolve can crumble, and he doesn't even reach the threshold of the kitchen before Sophie starts wailing. Sad, angry sobs coming from her throat, and Ryan turns around and looks at her, at Seth barely managing to hold her against his chest, then giving up and standing up, rocking her, and Sophie not caring. She stretches her arms over Seth's shoulders, toward Ryan, and he sighs.

Seth turns around, looks at Ryan and Sophie squirms even more in his hands, so she can face Ryan, so she can reach out for him. Seth waves him off, bouncing off Sophie. "Go," Seth says, rising his voice to be heard over Sophie's crying. "Go. I can take one hour of her crying. Go, before I pull the offer off the table."

Ryan gives one last glance at Sophie before sighing and leaving the kitchen, rushing up the steps to the bathroom. Even as he closes the door after himself, he can hear a faint echo of her.

After his shower, after Ryan has taken Sophie into his arms and she has stopped bawling, they manage to change her into clean clothes. They spend the afternoon, the sun slowly darkening behind them on the wide windows, sitting on the floor, watching TV. Sophie settles in Ryan's arm, cradled to his chest, and falls asleep in between them watching a rerun of Friends (and at times it seems like he can zap the channels and always find Friends somewhere) and the start of a new episode of CSI. He rocks on his seat, making sure she's deeply asleep before even daring to let out a loud breath.

When Ryan turns around, Seth's smiling at him, with him, and it's almost as if he can feel the tension, the pain, falling away from his shoulders. He hadn't even noticed how tense he was, how angry and frustrated at the same time.

"At least she's asleep," Seth says with a small smile, sitting on Ryan's left. His hand hovers over Sophie's head, over her small closed eyes, and teeny eyebrows, before letting his hand fall to his side, probably afraid he'll wake her if he touches her. Ryan feels the same way.

He rolls his neck from side to side, trying his best not to shift Sophie too much, and his vertebras pop, a horrible sound in the almost silent living room. Seth chuckles, low on his throat, deep and rich.

"I'd ask you about a game." Seth jerks his head toward the small compartment under the TV set, where a Playstation sits. He smiles. "But you've got your hands full."

Ryan snorts, shaking his head once, arranging Sophie as she seems to slide down his hold.

They watch the investigation silently, Ryan not quite following the evidence and suspects and CSIs. He's tired, he knows, his body knows it too, but he can't relax entirely until Sandy and Kristen are back home, until Sophie is safe in her parents' arms.

The show ends, and the sun has long ago set behind then, when Seth nudges him on the shoulder. Ryan blinks, and apparently he'd closed his eyes for a second that lasted longer than a blink. "Huh?" His grip on Sophie is strong, and Sophie gurgles something in her sleep.

Seth smiles again, reflecting in his eyes, in the softness of his mouth. Ryan glances away from Seth's lips, to the floor, to where his legs are crossed and he can't quite feel them anymore.

"Take a break, lay down on the couch. You're ready to fall asleep."

Ryan shakes his head. He can't, not with Sophie here, in his arms. Not with--

A hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly, and he looks up at Seth again, at Seth looking back at him. At Seth, smiling back at him. "Sleep for a few minutes, take a break. You can't take care of her if you're asleep on your feet, and I can't take of her without the neighbors calling the cops."

Ryan sighs, thinks about Seth's words. Yeah, he's tired, and he thinks Sophie will notice soon enough, get cranky maybe. She might not like him putting her down, not holding her, but at least as long as he does, she's fine, eating and smiling and laughing. He can live with that.

He nods, looking over his shoulder at the couch, and thinking he has to move as slow as possible. It takes him a minute to pull himself up to the couch, and another to lie down, arrange Sophie on his chest. She only shifts, finds a comfortable position for her, and continues to gurgle in her sleep.

He places both hands on her back, one on top of the other, and then there's an afghan being draped over him, covering both him and Sophie. He looks up at Seth, standing there, smile on his face. He's seen Seth smile more today than he did the week before leaving for college. It's weird and fitting at the same time.

And then he blinks and he remembers Pancakes and Summer and how this place, this house, is nothing but a pit stop for Seth before leaving for his future. He swallows, turns his face away and closes his eyes. He hears Seth sighing, sitting down on the carpet, changing the channels. He doesn't hear the TV. He falls asleep between one breath and the next.

"Ryan?"

He blinks, his hands in place on Sophie's back, and turns his head toward the sound. Seth, crouching beside him, so their faces are at eye level. He swallows. "Huh?"

Seth smiles, and Ryan notices that Seth's right hand is curled against the edge of the couch. It's almost against Ryan's hip.

"I'm gonna get some take out, okay?"

He nods, shifts and then holds still, hearing the heavy and regular breathing of Sophie, sighs under his breath. "Yeah," he whispers, and Seth nods.

Ryan closes his eyes, his head slightly away from Seth, and then he thinks he feels Seth's hand touching his own over Sophie, but then he's falling asleep and he doesn't hear the door opening.

Dinner is Thai in white containers, because neither of them want to actually use plates that they'll have to wash later on. The food tastes bittersweet for Ryan, because he remembers -- like a dream, almost, like a dream -- sitting in Theresa's childhood home, eating tortillas or frejoles con pollo and thinking about Thai food and the white containers, thinking about home and thinking about this.

Sophie wakes up briefly for her dinner, around seven, and Ryan worries that they are really screwing up with her schedule. She plays with Ryan's shirt, with her baby spoons and pulls at Ryan's hair a couple of times. She tries to eat his nose once, and Seth laughs like he's never seen anything that funny. Sophie laughs just like that, and Ryan snorts and cleans his nose with a napkin. Not even half an hour later, she's falling asleep on his arms, as he stands against the table, eating his dinner. Apparently, he wasn't the only one who was too tired on his feet.

When she falls asleep, he can finally sit at the table, and eat like a normal person. He stands up from the table for a Coke, making sure his body is protecting hers from the cold draft. He closes the fridge with his hip, and watches Seth turn around on his seat, hooking his elbow over the back of the seat.

Ryan smiles, standing there, just watching Seth for a moment. Seth used to do that all the time, back in their senior year, and the one after that, Ryan thinks. He picked it up from me. I do that too. I did that before I met him. The feeling of warmth inside him is welcomed, it has a home, but it's fleeting, because then Seth turns back around, and Ryan can't help but blink and see that he's here and now, not in school, not in Newport.

He takes his seat, Sophie dead to the world on his chest. He tries to open the can one handed, and realizes that's more difficult than one would think so. Seth takes the can from his hands not even a minute later.

"Here," Seth says, handing it back, picking up the containers from their long finished dinner.

Ryan stands up from the table again, can in one hand, baby on the other. He leans against the wall, watching Seth move around the kitchen, place the containers in the trash, zipping up the bags. He watches Seth do the same thing he used to do back in Newport, and he has never missed his home like he does now, throat tight and closed up.

He swallows, takes a long drink of the Coke. It tastes bitter in his tongue, and when he looks up, Seth standing there, looking back at him.

There are things I want to tell you, he thinks. There are things I've been wanting to tell you forever.

Ryan looks away, down, head ducked. He shifts Sophie in his arms, and when Seth says they should watch TV, for a while at least, Ryan agrees.

Sophie still doesn't want to look at her crib, let alone sleep in it. Ryan manages to change into sweat pants and t-shirt for bed, and that's much more than he did last night. He pulls the covers back as well, and Sophie only shifts on his arms, drooling on his neck, in the hollow of his throat. He smiles down at her, kissing the top of her head, his hand opened on her back, rocking slightly. When he's certain she's deeply asleep, he sits down on the bed before leaning back, pulling the covers over them both.

He tilts to his side, Sophie in between him and the wall, snuggled fitly in his chest, her hands holding his t-shirt even in her sleep.

Ryan can hear Seth on the other bed, shifting and moving and flopping until he finds a comfortable position. The sound is familiar and heavy with something Ryan can't quite put a name to, and he smiles at it, because he's heard it a thousand times before, missed it like he still misses the Newport sky. Missed it like he didn't know he was missing it.

Seth's breath evens out after a minute, and Ryan nods to himself, thinks this is right, in a way, hearing Seth here, in the same room. It's right, it fits, it's them, it's--

There's a sound that pulls at his brain, a sound he's trained himself to listen to, always, like the opening of the pool house door, a hand touching the inside of his wrist in a silent question and getting a silent answer as he scoots to the left side of the bed.

Ryan blinks, willing himself to wake up. He lifts his face from the pillow enough to see a shadow sitting up on the other bed, and he frowns as Seth stands up then, padding barefoot.

"Seth, you okay?" He thinks he asks, but it comes out more like a whisper and a breath. And then there's a hand on his hairline, only fingers touching his warm skin, and he's in that place between dream and awake, and if he leans into the touch, he doesn't notice.

"Shh. I'm only going to the bathroom. Go back to sleep."

Ryan nods before the fingers fall away, and then he's shifting, and he's cold, and he pressed Sophie closer to him. Then there's the sound of Seth coming back to the room, a pause, and the covers are being pulled higher up to this neck, the back of Seth's fingers touching Ryan's jaw. Ryan sighs, nods, smiles, relaxes because he's warm and home and here.

He hears Seth settling in bed once again, he's half awake until he hears Seth's breathing evening. He falls asleep with the familiar sound of Seth's regular breaths as background.

Ryan leans against the couch, where Seth sits with the remote in his hand. It's mid morning and the sun hits the back of Seth's head, the side of Sophie's face, and Ryan shifts her. She moves with him, pulling the lock of hair she has in her fingers, as if it will follow. He grimaces, trying to get her to loosen her hold, but she's persistent, she's a Cohen, and Ryan's always been partial to Cohens. He sighs, lets her pull at his hair, before her other hand pulls at the collar of his t-shirt.

He hears Seth's laughter, and turns to look at Seth, arm throw over the back of the couch, and that familiar feeling is back in his throat, in his chest. Sophie gurgles and pulls with even more strength, and he lets her. Seth laughs even more, Sophie does as well.

I could do this, he thinks bitterly, in the tight corners of his mind. I could do this. This could be my life. He shifts her, but she only laughs, takes hold of the sleeve of the t-shirt, where it touches his forearm. With a child in his arms and Seth, if Seth were to stay in Berkeley instead of going back to Providence. He looks down and away. Providence, and Summer, and Pancakes and the life Seth's set himself to have.

Ryan swallows, shakes his head, and then Sophie's hands go to the collar of his t-shirt, and the thought is lost gone, as quick as it had come, as quick as Seth had chosen Summer over him, almost a year and a half ago now.

The phone rings, and Ryan moves to the kitchen with Sophie in his arms, his body tilted to the side to compensate for the weight. Sophie tries to reach for the phone as well, but settles for his collar, of the fine hair on the nape of his neck, pulling tightly and making him hiss.

"Hello?" He says, glaring down at Sophie who grins back at him, almost proud. He can't help but smile as he recognizes the voice on the other end. "Kirsten."

Ryan tries to put Sophie down to sleep that afternoon, standing in the middle of the nursery, rocking Sophie back and forth. Sophie keeps on kicking her feet and arms, far more awake than she should be. The miracle that was yesterday's nap doesn't seem to want to make a reappearance.

He sighs, hefts her to sit on the crook of his arm, resting against his chest, before making his way to his bedroom. He rummages in his backpack until he finds the Xeroxed papers he picked up on Wednesday morning before returning to the nursery. He shifts her again, her back against his chest, so he can sit on the rocking chair. She scrunches up her face, and for a second he braces himself to hear crying, but then she relaxes, seems to huff in exasperation. He smiles at her, kisses the top of her head.

He settles back against the rocking chair, shifts her again so he's holding her with his left arm, can hold the papers with his right one. She looks at him, as if she wants to hear what he has to say.

He reads the title of the ASTM Designation, Standard Specification for Ready-Mixed Concrete, his tone soft and pitched low. She blinks up at him, and he starts reading.

"Item 1: Scope. This specification covers ready-mixed concrete manufactured and delivered to a purchaser in a freshly mixed and unhardened state as hereinafter specified." He holds his tone, making it as soft but steady, so he can actually remember something after reading the sentence. "Requirements for quality of concrete shall be either as hereinafter specified or as specified by the purchaser. In any case where the requirements of the purchaser differ from these in this specification, the purchaser's specification shall govern."

He frowns, pauses for a second, not quite getting it. What's the point of having specifications, if what the company that buys it wants is what will be given? There are suppose to be minimum specifications required, rations in water and cement, right? Isn't that was Pasquel has been teaching him for the past five months? He snorts under his breath, figures at least now he has a question for Pasquel on Wednesday.

He reads as far as page four of the eleven he has to go over before his next class when Sophie's limbs start relaxing. He's in item ten (Mixers and Agitators) at page five when her breathing starts evening out, and he's only starting item twelve (Use of Nonagitating Equipment) when he's certain she's fallen asleep. He continues through items twelve, thirteen and fourteen, which are very short, before daring to stand up and place her on her crib.

He places her blanket over her, the corner of his lips curling slightly, before taking a step backwards and turning around. His breath catches in his throat when he notices Seth by the threshold, leaning against the frame of the door. His right hand curls around the copies he still holds, and he swallows.

"She's asleep," Seth whispers, his voice so low Ryan has trouble hearing him. Ryan thinks he can hear surprise in Seth's tone, but he can't be sure. Seth glances at the crib, before looking at Ryan once again. "What were you reading?"

Ryan shrugs with one shoulder, making his way to the door. Seth steps back, onto the hallway, Ryan letting the door fall ajar behind him.

"Technology of Concrete," he says, his voice still pitched low. He clears his throat. "I have to read it for Wednesday." He has even more to get through. He would have read from his Resistance of Materials book, if it wasn't so thick that he had been worried he could not hold it in one hand and Sophie in the other.

Seth nods, then jerks his head toward the staircase at the end of the hallway. "Wanna play a game?"

Kirsten and Sandy are arriving later today, their plane landing at five. They should be getting home no later than six. Ryan could go back to the dorms tonight, and Seth could take a late flight. Ryan had repeated almost word for word what Kirsten told him over the phone, and yet with nothing but a glance at Seth they seemed to decide that they'd spend the night, leave early in the morning. With nothing but a glance, with familiarity that feels warm against him, over him, softened to perfection.

Only it's not like that. It's not, not anymore. They have this, now, in the two days that they've spent together. But Seth will leave for Providence again, and it's January and he doesn't think he'll see Seth again until summer break, and maybe not even then.

This isn't what they had, who they used to be almost. Those people don't exist anymore. They are now two college boys just staying the night at their parents' house. This, now, is barely a memory of that, a poor replacement, and it's stupid that Ryan should miss it so much.

"Sure," Ryan says.

They are in their fourth game and Ryan's winning when he hears Sophie waking up through the baby monitor to his right. He sighs, feeling something behind his eyes start to hurt, then be joined by the pain in between his eyebrows. He's tired; he's more than tired. He hadn't realized taking care of one little girl was so much work, Kirsten always seemed to make it look easy and comfortable.

"Let me," Seth says, pausing the game and placing the controller behind him on the carpet.

Ryan's hand curls around Seth's wrist, pads of his fingers touching the soft skin under which Seth's pulse beats. He feels the warmth of Seth's touch, the way Seth's hand stills for a breath before Ryan lets his hand fall against his side. "I've got it," he whispers, his voice not really himself. He clears his throat. "She's gonna start crying if you pick her up, anyway."

Seth chuckles, and Ryan thinks it sounds forced, but then he's standing up in a jump, making his way up to the nursery. Sophie's already sitting up in the middle of her crib, arms stretched, hands opening and closing, demanding attention. Ryan stands by it, hand touching Sophie's shoulder, her back. She turns to him, reaches to grasp the sleeve of his shirt, her hand wrapping around his thumb. She pulls at his hand, saying more it than she could with a hundred words.

But she's a Cohen, and Ryan can see now, even at such young age, that she'll like to be the center of attention. She's related to Seth, after all, he thinks with a smile, the softness of it instinctual. She'll talk with her mouth and with her hands. She'll want his undivided attention, and Ryan will give it freely and without question. She'll pull at his sleeve, like she's doing at the moment, when he arrives on Fridays to visit, to show him what she did that week at school, to talk to him, to play with him. He'll go because he can't imagine not doing it, not following her, not giving her everything she needs.

He touches the underside of her chin and she giggles, making a closed-mouth noise that seems to involve a lot of spittle, and letting go of his sleeve in the process. He takes that opportunity to pick her up, arm around her back and pressed to his chest, Sophie's toes poking a rapid staccato into his belly in her excitement.

Ryan chuckles, can't help but say, "Go on, kick me all you want. I'm immune to you, kiddo."

He makes his way slowly out of the nursery, noticing the way Sophie looks over his shoulder, one hand stretched. He frowns, turns around and notices the small plush toys on top of the dresser. She has even more toys on the first floor, in the living room and a couple more in the kitchen. She has toys all over the house, but she seems to want one of the four on the dresser. He picks up a small purple elephant, and it looks a lot like one of Pooh's friends. He remembers seeing a movie about an elephant that could be this little guy's cousin. He saw it with Kirsten, one night when he came to visit and Sandy was working late. The elephant is pink on the inside of his long floppy ears, the end of his trunk and the soles of his hooves.

He lifts the toy in his hand, waggling it. "This the one you want?"

She almost bounces in his arms, grasping for it until he gives it over. She grabs it with both hands, shoving its hear into her mouth. For a moment he's worried about her choking on the fabric, but the fur is really soft, and he knows Kirsten better than that, knows she will have thought about the same thing, knows she wouldn't have the toy if Sophie couldn't try and eat it and be fine.

He makes his way down the stairs, her feet still kicking him on his stomach, seeming as if she's dancing in his arms. They walk past the kitchen into the den, and he rocks in place, Sophie gurgling even through the elephant in her mouth. He considers sitting down and wonders if Sophie will start crying.

Seth's looking up at him from his place on the floor, the game still paused. Ryan looks back, holds his gaze for a second before Seth looks away, picks up the controller and starts touching the buttons idly. "I don't think she'll cry. She's been almost quiet today."

And Seth's right, and Sophie seems happy enough with the toy in her mouth and Ryan holding her. He sits down on Seth's right, placing her on his lap so she's resting sideways to his chest, her in between Seth and him. She grips the front of his shirt, her legs dangling over his left thigh. Ryan smiles, takes the controller when Seth hands it over. Sophie reaches for it as well, opening her mouth and the elephants falls onto the carpet. She giggles, then reaches for it instead, throwing her whole weight on the movement. Ryan places one hand on her chest to keep her from falling from his lap, then picks up the toy.

She gurgles, making a sound that isn't quite words, but Seth smiles and places his hand over Ryan's, holding the toy as well. Ryan's breath catches in his throat, Seth's fingers warm against his.

"Gar?" Seth asks, grinning, happy, waving the elephant enticingly in front of Sophie's face. She reaches for it and Seth chuckles even more. "Mr. Gar. Hey, that's an excellent name!"

Ryan rolls his eyes, because the sound Sophie made wasn't even close to Gar, let alone the Mr. But he smiles when Sophie grabs it and then shoves it into her mouth once again, like that's where Mr. Gar belongs.

"I think she really likes him."

Ryan wants to snort, but looks up at Seth from the corner of his eyes, smiles at him. Sophie drums her hands against Ryan's chest, and he places arm around her, pulls her closer to his chest, and she leans on the crook of his neck and continues to chew on her toy. He picks up the controller Seth gives him and wins the game right before she leans away from Ryan's chest and tries to take the controller with one hand, the other still holding Mr. Gar's feet, her mouth around one ear.

They manage to get her to eat some of the peach mashed thing that's supposed to be baby food. He doesn't try it, because he fears the taste and is man enough to admit it. He glances at the clock and notices that it's almost six, Kirsten and Sandy should arrive soon. He looks down at Sophie, blue eyes wide and awake and looking back at him as if asking a question he doesn't understand. He hopes Sophie gets to sleep at a decent hour, specially since she only took one nap this afternoon. A decent hour that's neither three in the morning nor midnight. Kirsten will probably pick her up, placer her in the crib and Sophie will be out like a light. And Ryan promises himself that he won't be the least bit jealous when she does.

She still has Mr. Gar in her hands, clutched tightly against her chest even as she rests her head under Ryan's chin, mouthing the collar of his shirt in replacement of her elephant. She keeps hitting Ryan's forearm with Mr. Gar. She's quiet, and that worries him for reasons he doesn't want to poke too hard at.

She's fed and changed, with Mr. Gar in her hands, being rocked against his chest. She gurgles something, tries to bite his neck with nothing but gums that will start teething any minute now.

Ryan tilts his face enough to look at her profile, her small nose, the corner of her lips. He whispers, "that's how you look happy."

She hits him with Mr. Gar on the side of his face, and he laughs. Ryan hears Seth laughing as well, and turns around to look at him, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms folded on his chest. Seth's laughter ends up on a soft smile directed at him. Ryan looks at Seth and holds his gaze, and enjoys the second he has this, right here, in his hands. His hold on Sophie tightens a little, and she huffs and bites on his collar a little harder, so he relaxes it.

He's still looking into brown eyes when he hears a car pulling into the driveway, looks away from Seth and out the window, seeing the tail of Kirsten's sedan.

Seth gets to the front door first, opening and stepping outside, into the darkening sky. Ryan stays under the threshold, leaning against the frame, kissing the top of Sophie's head.

"Your parents are here, kiddo," Ryan says, grins against Sophie's hair.

Seth goes around the parked car, to the passenger's side, and Ryan watches Seth open the door, help Sandy out, all before Kirsten has even gotten her door opened. She steps out of the car, one hand over the hood, smiling at him and Sophie. He smiles back, looks over Kirsten, sees Seth helping Sandy to his feet. Sandy, who's laughing at whatever it is Seth's telling him, probably lies and exaggerations. Sandy, who stands there and laughs, waving off the hand Seth offers, taking Kirsten's instead, walking slowly but steadily to the path leading up to the door.

"Ryan," Kristen says, her voice soft, her hand untangling from Sandy's and moving to his elbow instead, as they reach the sidewalk.

"Hey, kid," Sandy says with a grin.

Ryan spreads with fingers wide where they rest on Sophie's back, and he can't help but let go of a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. They are both fine. They are home.

Sandy's sitting on the couch in the living room that both Seth and him treat as a den, leaning back against the pillows, eyes closing slightly. "God, I'm tired."

"But you're okay, right Dad?"

Ryan can hear the concern underlying Seth's question, and he can sympathized. It's one thing to hear from Kirsten that Sandy's fine, that the doctor says that he can fly, just to take it easy for the next week and to see his own physician once he gets home. It's different to see Sandy grinning and laughing, picking up Sophie when Kirsten hands her to him, slapping Seth on the back and squeezing Ryan on the shoulder. It's something else entirely to see for himself that Sandy's fine and well and Kirsten's here. And maybe he had been a little childish in his fear but right now he doesn't care.

Kirsten shifts Sophie in her arms, whose eyelids keep closing, her hand tightening around the ear of the elephant. Kirsten kisses the top of her daughter's head, places her palm on Sophie's back, and rocks in place. Ryan smiles at it, at the familiar sight.

"I think she's ready for bed," Kirsten says an hour after they've arrived, and Sophie's hand loosens entirely against Kirsten's shoulder, and Mr. Gar falls to the ground.

Seth picks it up, wipes the side of it with one hand. He pulls the elephant higher, until it's in front of his face, and smiles. "I'm sure she didn't mean it, Mr. Gar."

"Mr. Gar?" Sandy asks with a smile, head tilted, glancing between Seth and Sophie. He chuckles. "I didn't know he had a name."

Seth nods, almost solemnly, and Ryan snorts under his breath. "Yeah. Sophie named him. She did, didn't she, Ryan?"

Sandy turns to look at him with a quirk of his lips, as if Seth had just said that they need to kiss Mr. Gar's knee to make it better.

Ryan takes in a deep breath, ready to say that no, what Sophie said wasn't even a word, but Seth hears what he wants to hears most of the time, why should this be any different. He lets out a sigh instead. "I think," he says with a shrug.

Sandy chuckles, but Kirsten smiles softly, as if understanding the exchange. Maybe she does. Seth did take Captain Oats with him to RISD, so, yeah, no surprise there.

"I'm gonna put her to bed," Kirsten says with a smile, taking the elephant in her hands, and walking out of the living room. Ryan can hear her steps on the staircase.

"So, boys," Sandy starts, grin on his lips. "How was Sophie?"

Seth opens his mouth wide, and Ryan rolls his eyes because really, he doesn't need a recount of the last three days, when he hears Sophie crying. He frowns, turns around to look at the doorway which Kirsten walked through not even a minute ago.

Ryan can hear Sophie continue to cry, and then Kristen walks back into the living room, making hushing sounds and shifting Sophie in her arms. Ryan blinks, confused, certain that Kirsten was going to put Sophie to bed without a fuss. He notices the way Sophie is pulling away from Kirsten, her arms outstretched, looking around the room until her gaze lands on him and her hands close and open in a manner he has become familiar with.

When he looks up at Kirsten, she's smiling, wide and maybe a little bit proud. She closes the space between them, offers the baby to him. "I think she wants you to put her to bed."

Ryan blinks, takes Sophie without a word, because this is what he does, this is what he's been doing for the past three days. He shifts her in a way that he's now comfortable with, until she's lying against his chest. She calms down almost immediately, mouthing his collar as if it were her pacifier, tears warm against his neck. He settles her on the crook of his arm, his other hand on her back. He makes shushing sounds in the back of his throat, his chin against her hair, rocking on his feet, and within a minute he can hear the evening of her breathing, feel it where his neck meets his shoulders.

Ryan looks up at again, and not only is Kirsten smiling at him, but Sandy and Seth are as well. He can feel Sophie drooling against his skin.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Ryan thinks he remembers what privacy means when it comes down to family. It's almost like a memory, at times, like a dream, in the way that sometimes he has the almost vivid memory of Trey snorting before picking up the sweatpants he slept with from the dresser and making his way to the bathroom to change.

It's always been different here, with Seth and Sandy and Kirsten. Always. He can't help but grin to himself, wonder if Sophie will develop that family trait as well. If years from now, when Ryan comes to visit for weekends and holidays, Sophie will just walk into his bedroom like Sandy always did, if she'll barely rasp the bathroom door instead of knocking before walking inside and leaning against the sink as he's taking a shower and ask him what he wants for lunch, like Kirsten used to do.

Ryan sits down on the edge of his bed, places his ankle on the opposite knee to undo the laces of his boots. Ryan can hear Seth groaning as he sits down, and he can't help but smile, because that's Seth, doing everything with sound effects. Seth, groaning and hissing and complaining to Kirsten and Sandy about being left with an eight month baby that isn't house trained, for God's sake, you should have heard the lungs of your daughter, Mom, really.

Ryan hears Seth toeing off his shoes, not even bothering with the laces. He places his feet back on the floor before wiggling his foot out of it, doing the same with the other one. He rubs his face with both hands for a second, and is grateful that tomorrow is Saturday. He'll drive to the dorms in the morning, after breakfast probably, knowing Kristen. He'll call Tatiana on the wa-- He groans, loud in his throat and in the silent bedroom.

He sees Seth look up from the corner of his eye, frown at him.

"Ryan?"

Ryan shakes his head, can't believe he hasn't talked with Tatiana since Wednesday night, Sophie howling -- because that was howling, that's what that was -- in her car seat. He should have called her yesterday, or early this morning, let her know he's getting back on Saturday. Damn it, he should have asked her how much he's missed.

"Ryan?"

Ryan looks up at Seth, concern in the way Seth's eyebrows furrow, and he sighs, shakes his head once again. "Nothing," he says after a moment. "Nothing, I remembered I should have called Tatiana to let her know when I am going back."

"Oh."

Seth's word, Seth's tone, makes Ryan look up. Seth's lips are pressed into a thin line, as if he were biting the inside of his cheek. Ryan frowns. "What?"

Seth shakes his head. "Nothing." He pauses, standing up and making his way to the dresser on the other side of the room.

Ryan's eyes follow Seth's back as he stands there for a moment, one drawer open, hands inside, and yet not pulling anything out. Seth's sweats and t-shirt, the one he uses to sleep, are on the foot of his bed.

"She's probably worried, huh?"

Ryan lifts one eyebrow, hears Seth pushing closed the top drawer (it can't seem to close down properly, Sandy's been saying he's gonna look into that for six months now). He watches Seth turn with nothing in his hands, reach for his sweats at the foot of his bed. After a moment, he lets them drop to the bed once again, starts doing the belt of his jeans. Ryan looks away, at the floor.

He shrugs, even if Seth's looking down at his hands and can't really see him. "I don't know." He pulls his own shirt over his head, reaches for the white one he left on top of his pillow this morning, and puts it on.

Probably not, he thinks, following his previous train of thought, like he never detoured (he didn't use to do that until he met Seth). Tatiana is not the one to worry. She'll bug him for it, probably, make jokes about Sophie being possessed and what not, Claire right behind her, Eve as well.

He waits for the distinctive sound of Seth reaching for his own t-shirt, and turns looks at Seth take off the blue one. Seth moves to the bed, pulling down the covers and getting in, his back to Ryan. Ryan takes his cue and takes off his jeans and shorts, putting on the sweats just as Seth settles on the bed.

Ryan reaches for the light by the door before getting under the covers as well, pulling them up until his chin, and for a moment the bed seems too big, without Sophie's body cradle in the crook of his arm, in between him and the wall.

He rolls on the bed, his back to the wall, facing Seth. Seth doesn't move under the covers. The light coming from the streetlight across the street, orange glow even through the curtains, is bright enough that he can see the folds of the covers on Seth's back and shoulders, down his legs, where they lay under the mattress.

He swallows. Watching Seth through dim light in the middle of the night is familiar in the patterns of their combined existences, marked and obvious. He remembers lying down in his dorm room and noticing how empty the place looked, sounded, with the knowledge that there would be no opening of the door, no touch against the inside of his wrist. He looks away, shifts on the bed until he finds a comfortable position and closes his eyes.

He hears Seth breathing on the other side of the room, and the sound is reassuring in itself, familiar as a background noise even though they never shared a room until they moved here.

Ryan hears Seth huff, then shift and huff again. And when he lifts his face from the pillow, Seth's facing him once again, one hand under his pillow, the other holding the edge of his covers, eyes still closed. Ryan smiles, because the sight is familiar and it makes him breathe easier in a way.

He closes his eyes, breathes into his pillow, hears Seth's breathing evening into sleep. A minute later, Ryan relaxes completely and follows, Seth's soft sigh the last thing he hears.

*giggles* That's part two. Yes, it has taken me a bit longer than I thought it would, but it turns out that I had a paper due tomorrow for Foundation Engineering that I totally forgot about. *nods*

That done, there's still one part left to go. Tomorrow, I promise. Now, off to bed! *g*