We walked a million hills - Chapter 26
Title: Trinity Verse II. - We walked a million hills (26/28)
Author:
scyllaya
Rating: PG-13
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Dean/Castiel/Gabriel,
Warning(s): cursing
Spoiler(s): AU (characters up to S5)
Word Count: ~ 4 700 (this chapter) WIP
Summary: Dean, Castiel and Gabriel live the life they wanted to have. Their biggest problem should be synchronizing their crazy schedules, unfortunately life is never that simple.
Disclaimer: Nearly all names and characters in this story belong to CW/WB and Kripke. I’m making no profit whatsoever. It’s just for fun! Most places and establishments in the story are real, but I’ve never visited any of them, so I have no true knowledge about them. People (OCs) in the story are not real! Any resemblance to real life is just a coincidence.
AN: Second story of Trinity verse. Title from: Nirvana - The Man Who Sold The World
Unbeta-ed. Trinity Verse I: Broke our Mirrors
Trinity II - Chapter One
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The pain was sharp and sudden, and as the blood bubbled up from the wound so did the tears in his eyes. A sob broke out from his mouth as he clutched his hand tightly, but as the pain was just not going away it turned into a ragged cry.
'Gabriel!' came from the doorway, but Gabriel didn't turn around, just clutched his hand tighter. Michael walked across the kitchen, carefully not stepping on the scattered pieces of glass that shattered on the floor. 'What are you doing here?' the older boy asked as he was approaching.
'S'hurting,' Gabriel said between two sobs. Michael looked around quickly, grabbed a clean cloth from the kitchen drawer and crouched down to the floor.
'Shh, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, just be quiet. Please be quiet, little brother. It's okay, lemme see...' ha managed to get Gabriel's hand away from his chest to wrap the cloth around the wound to stop the bleeding. 'See? Not so bad... You're gonna wake up Father, so just stay quiet, okay? Please.'
Gabriel bit back the next noise that wanted to come out of his mouth and nodded up at his brother as he sniffed a few times. Michael smiled, but only briefly, still holding his hand in place, and it was not hurting that much now like this.
'Michael?' the older boy let go of his hand so fast like it was burning him and stood up abruptly. There were steps approaching them, stopping suddenly at the doorway. 'What did you do?' came the stern question and Michael took a further step away.
'I didn't do anything, he came in here all by himself! I found him like this!' Michael answered right away. Gabriel was scoped up from the floor by two strong arms, his bloody hand held tightly again, his head cradled to a wide chest.
'Lying is not going to get you out of trouble,' rumbled the voice from the chest under Gabriel's ear. 'It just makes it worse.'
'I'm not--'
'Be quiet and go to your room. I'll deal with you later.'
Michael left without a word. Dad bandaged his wound very carefully, talking in a quiet tone all the while he was doing it and wiped away the tears. Then he put him to bed, making sure his hand was not hurting anymore and checking the blanket covering him twice. He stroked his hair and put a kiss on his head. Gabriel couldn't sleep though, because Mom was shouting really loudly when she got home.
Chapter XXVI
Dean was anything but happy about all of this, Gabriel could tell easily, he appreciated that he was not speaking his mind though. Castiel was carefully neutral, hovering somewhere between quiet support and cautious disapproval. He also didn't say a word. Gabriel was sure that he would've been easily talked out of this, so he really was grateful that Dean and Cas didn't do it.
'Here it is Dr. Morgenstern,' said nurse Rosen as she handed over the plastic bag that contained Michael's wallet, his watch and everything else they found in his pockets. Gabriel immediately spotted the piece of newspaper among them, even if it was blood-stained now a little.
'Thank you,' he answered and opened it. He only needed one more thing to be done with all of the papers and he was sure that he could get those from his brother's wallet, so he asked for his stuff.
'Do you need anything else?' she asked, but Gabriel shook his head. The nurse walked back out from the doctor's lounge then. Dean was sitting at the opposite side of the table, while Cas was right next to him.
Gabriel opened the walled to search for Michael's ID number, but he stopped abruptly almost immediately.
'What?' Dean frowned right away. Gabriel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was really hard to deal with. Castiel leaned closer to take a look at what Gabriel saw, namely the old photograph in Michael's wallet.
'Never saw this picture,' Castiel remarked.
'Me neither,' Gabriel answered. It was him and Michael, but he was only two years old maybe, so Michael around eleven. This whole thing was a mess, especially in his own head. Dean came over from the other side to take a look too. Gabriel kept staring at it for a moment before he noticed that there was a hand around him on the picture, someone was holding him. He got the picture out and sure enough it was a larger photo folded up. He carefully smoothed it out and yeah, he expected as much, it was still strange. It was a full family photo of them. His mother was next to Michael, resting a hand on his shoulder, while Gabriel was held in his father's arms. He didn't remember his father, he's never even seen a picture of him. And suddenly he was there.
He must've gone too still, because both Dean and Cas reached out to him, Castiel resting a hand on his arm, Dean sliding closer until their thighs touched.
'I don't know why, but I always imagined your dad to have dark hair,' Dean said, breaking the silence. Gabriel glanced up at him then back at the picture. His father had the same dark-blond, brownish hair he had, even their eye-color was the same.
'I don't even know why,' Dean added, but he was right. Gabriel did too actually, back on the very rare occasions he thought about his father.
'I guess we just assumed that you got your hair-color from your mom so it would leave Michael having his black-hair from your Dad,' Castiel said, shrugging. Gabriel frowned at the picture.
'Apparently not,' he concluded. He put the photo down and got out Michael's ID to scribble the number down onto one of the papers. There, he was done with that. He turned the pen over in his hand a few times. 'Ok, I guess it's time to go in now,' he said.
'Ok, fine, lets get this over with,' Dean stood up. Gabriel followed, holding the folder in one hand and picking up Michael's stuff with the other.
'I rather do this alone,' he said and the protest was immediately there on Dean's face. He was just opening his mouth when Castiel stood up and stepped closer, cutting him off by gripping his arm and pulling him out of Gabriel's way.
'Which is fine,' he said pointedly. 'And we're going to be waiting right outside of the door.'
Dean huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. There was something beyond endearing about him being this protective. Gabriel appreciated it, he really did, but there were things he really wanted and could do without someone holding his hand.
'It's fine,' he told him, resting his hand on Dean's upper arm for a moment, capturing his gaze. Dean reluctantly nodded, still not being happy about it. They walked over to the room in almost complete silence. Cas stopped when they reached the door, not letting go of Dean's arm either, stopping him too, much to the other's annoyance. Gabriel was sure that if it would've been up to Dean he would have been wrapped around him completely, just so he could glare down at Michael over his shoulder like a big bad protective wolf.
'Just call if you need us,' Castiel said, he managed to control his worry a lot better than Dean.
Gabriel was nervous, he had absolutely no idea what he was going to say or what Michael was going to say or anything. Maybe he would freak after a minute having to be alone with him, he really had no idea. But he owed it to himself to step through the door and see how it made him feel, if it made him feel anything at all. He just had to know, had to face this, close this down or move on, something. He couldn't just ignore Michael's existence. So he took a breath and did it, opened the door to walk inside.
Michael turned his head when the door opened and his eyes widened at the sight of Gabriel. He moved and sat up a little in his bed, but just kept staring at the other man silently.
'If I'm going back to prison you really shouldn't have bothered saving me,' was the first thing he said. Gabriel walked closer and put the plastic bag down to the small nightstand next to Michael's bed, his wallet and the photo on top of it.
'You're not going to prison,' Gabriel answered then walked past the bed, only stopping when he was at the other side of the room. Michael was in a singular room, but that was no surprise. Gabriel leaned to the wall, the folder still in his hand. He didn't really know what he wanted to say. There were hundreds of things that ran through his head in the past day, everything from nice empty platitudes to the cruelest, harshest accusations. Still, the words didn't come, he looked out of the window and stayed silent. It was strange. In his mind, it was really hard to put together the Michael he remembered with this man lying on the hospital bed, all thin and pale and quiet.
'Why are you here, Gabriel?' he asked.
'Why did you want to find me?' Gabriel asked in return, because he was sure that there were a lot of similarities between the answers to these questions.
There was a sound of rustling sheets and Gabriel turned back to see how Michael carefully reached over to the nightstand and pulled the photo out from under his wallet. He settled back into the bed with a wince and unfolded the picture, trying to smooth out the deep creases with his hands a few times, unsuccessfully of course. The picture was way too old and crumpled for that.
'One of these things doesn't belong,' he remarked looking down onto the photo. 'Father surely always thought so,' he continued and Gabriel remained silent. He didn't have anything to say, or couldn't decide what to say, so he let the other man talk.
'I know I used to tell you that he was a great, important and respected person... he wasn't really, not at all, not one bit. I thought he was, despite everything, not knowing any better for a long while. He was not a good person. Not even remotely.'
Gabriel didn't know where Michael was going with this, but he let him speak. What does he have to lose listening? It's not like he remembered his father, there were some vague memories in the back of his mind about a deep voice, about a distant scent, but that was all.
'Father was convinced that Mother cheated on him and that I was not his son,' Michael continued and this was the first thing that made Gabriel look at him for more than a brief moment. 'I didn't understand it at first, why he was too distant, too harsh. I don't look like him, I don't look like Mother either, I don't even know whether it's true or not. I only know that I tried and failed to be what he might've wanted. I'm not a smart person, not that I'm stupid, but I'm not exactly clever either. I was nothing special, not even as a kid, probably almost below average to be honest. He sure thought that proved him right, because his son would be different, his son would be better.'
Michael fell silent and put the photo back to the nightstand, like he was not able to look at it any longer.
'Then you were born, looking so very like him even as a baby. He was good to you, kind, caring. I didn't even realize just then that the way he acted was not how he was, it was just how he treated me. He was not hurting me, not like that. It was the small things, how he read to you for hours, while he always just told me to stay in my room. How he would not look at me the way he looked at you. How he never failed to say what a sharp little boy you were, learning everything so fast. You were barely one year old and you could already say so much, while I was not speaking well even at three.'
Gabriel felt how he gripped the folder in his hand a little tighter.
'I was not jealous. He thought I was, he was sure of it, kept telling me how greed and jealousy poisons the soul. He didn't let me hold you, play with you, be with you, made sure we never were alone, he kept staring at me with warning on his face whenever I was within touching distance, like I was some sort of a disease and I would infect you by being there, like I wanted to hurt you,' he fell really quiet at the last words, his voice dimming out to a small whisper. 'It didn't even feel like I had a brother, but I wasn't jealous. I just thought I was wrong, different, flawed.'
Silence settled between them and Gabriel still had nothing to say, because what exactly was he supposed to say? Michael seemed surprised that he was still there, so it was probably more than what was expected already.
'Mother argued with him a lot about it and I don't even know whether she sent him away or was it him who left on his own in the end. Only Mother used to pay real attention to me, but when Father left I lost that. She started to work a lot to be able to keep up the life we had. The house, the bills, everything was paid by Father before and suddenly she was alone. I was sure Father left because of me back then, that all the ways I failed him was finally too much. I worked during the summers since I was fourteen, I don't know if you remember that or not, I tried... I wanted to be there for her, prove that I was not as bad as Father always thought I was.'
'It was not enough, so despite Father being gone Mother asked Grandpa and Grandma Morgenstern for help, she thought that no matter what, they would still care for their grandchildren, right? You know what Grandma Morgenstern told her? That they would be more than happy to raise their grandson properly, but they won't give money to some whore and her bastard son. Mother didn't let them take you, so they opened up an account for you instead. Making sure that Mother wouldn't be able to reach that money.'
That Gabriel knew. The account from his grandparents opened up for him when he turned eighteen, it was what he used to move to Copenhagen, he paid his college and most of Med School from it. He just had no idea that he was the only one who got support from his Father's parents. His mother never spoke a word of any of this.
'I wanted us to move. I wanted her to sell the house, so we could move to somewhere cheaper, something we could actually afford, but she was having none of it,' Michael shook his head ruefully and for the first time since he started talking his fists clenched on the top of his covers before he continued. 'Then she started sleeping with that bastard so she could keep the house and all her possessions... and I hated her so much for it.'
Gabriel was too young to remember any of this. His first clear memories are from the age of six and seven, he couldn't really recall these first few years after his Father left them.
'For becoming something Father accused her to be. I kept telling her it was not worth it, she wouldn't listen. And as days and weeks passed, every time she would stay out late I kept wishing she would've left Grandma Morgenstern take you away, kept asking why Father didn't take you with him when he left. If it would've been just the two of us, she wouldn't have had to do that. I was... angry... constantly... so very angry, for so very long, that after a while I just couldn't stop being angry... at everything.' His fists unclenched, but he had to grip the covers tightly to stop them from shaking and he shut his eyes for long moments, taking a few deep breaths.
'I hated Father for treating me so wrongly. I hated Mother for lowering herself like that for all the useless things she wanted to keep, I hated all of her pricey vases, expensive carpets, crystal glasses and jewelry. I hated her for not listening to me. I hated you for being so perfect, the way I never was. And hated that you were the only one who didn't look at me like I was wrong simply by existing...' he opened his glistening eyes, but didn't search for eye-contact. 'I wish I could've been better, I wish I walked away, disappeared. I wish I never hurt you, I wish I could've stopped...' his voice broke and he fell silent. Not uttering a single word for long minutes. His breath was quick and shallow and he had his eyes closed again. Gabriel remained by the wall. Still and silent, watching this man and suspecting that this was the first time he ever managed to tell this to someone, anyone. That probably no one listened before.
'I'm not making excuses here, this is not what it is,' Michael spoke up again. 'I'm not, since there's no excuse. I just wanted to tell you... just because.'
Gabriel was not good at deciding how he felt about things. Hell, the only thing he learned to build upon recently, was how he felt about Dean and Castiel. Believing and trusting how they felt about him in return. How he could trust Chuck and trust Katrina if he felt like falling, that there were hands reaching out to pull him back up again. That he could believe in them, that he won't be left behind, won't ever be alone. It was not easy and sometimes he still doubted it to its very core, he couldn't help it. He was so not ready for trying to figure out this one.
'I don't think I can forgive you, Michael,' he said after the silence was too much to bear. Michael looked up at him for a moment and while his eyes were shiny with moisture, he didn't cry. He averted his gaze, started staring down at his hands and how they were tightly clenched in the covers again, he nodded jerkily, sucking in a breath.
'Alright,' he said quietly in hoarse voice. Accepting it without question.
'Definitely not now,' Gabriel continued. 'And I don't know if I ever will be able to. I don't know.'
Michael just nodded again, not looking up.
'I get it,' he said. 'Still, you saved my life so... thank you.' He did raise his head to look Gabriel in the eye when saying that, wanting to make sure that he knew his gratitude was sincere.
'No, I'm saving your life now,' Gabriel told him. He took a few steps closer to stand by the foot of the bed and dropped the folder in Michael's lap, then he crossed his arms over his chest. Michael frowned as he picked it up.
'What is this?' he asked.
'That's an address, a name, and a filled out form that's gonna get you in the council-house of the Donnerman Foundation. Which is basically a roof above your head, a bed to sleep on, and a job so that you can earn your keep and pay them back the medical bill they're going to temporary take over from you, since you don't have insurance.'
Michael looked up from the folder at him with widened eyes. So much unvarnished disbelief in his green eyes, endless confusion that rendered him speechless. He just blinked then kept looking down at the folder in his hand, like it was not supposed to exist, or like he didn't believe that it existed and was expecting it to disappear. Gabriel continued talking, since he had no idea what else to do.
'So when you get discharged, you're going to go to that address, ask for the person whose name I written down there and give him the form. You'll go through the personal meeting, sign whatever document you need to sign, and accept whatever job they decide you're capable of doing.'
Michael looked up at him again, he was holding the folder so tightly in his hands now that he was going to crease the papers.
'Why would you--' he stopped, his voice breaking again. 'Gabriel--'
'I had some patients sent there before,' Gabriel explained. 'People like you, who were in prison for a very long time and wouldn't be able to find accommodation or a job on their own.'
This time, no matter how many breaths he took or how he tried to stop it, there were tears in Michael's eyes. He closed the folder and clutched it to his chest like it was the single most valuable thing he ever had in his possession.
'Thank you,' he said again, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes were wet and red and he tried to control himself, he was practically shaking, but he was still crying silently.
'You will be forced to stand on your own feet there, believe me,' Gabriel added. 'So you go and straighten your life out. And after you did that... maybe, just maybe, there's going to be a slight chance that I will be willing to see you ever again, maybe. I will know where you are, but I don't want you to come anywhere near my life. Not here to my workplace, not my home, nowhere close to any of my family here or in Castle Rock. Are we clear on this?'
Michael nodded even before the last word was out of Gabriel's mouth.
'I won't bother you,' he said.
'Okay,' Gabriel replied. 'Don't make me regret this.' He himself wasn't sure whether that was supposed to be a threat or wish, he didn't try to figure it out.
Michael just nodded again, wiping at his face, but he was breathing too raggedly and was shaking too much to actually speak.
'Goodbye, Michael,' Gabriel said and headed to the door.
It took him half an hour to print and fill out the form that he just handed over. It took only a minute to scribble down the address and the name of the coworker at the foundation he knew personally, yet Michael was clutching the folder like a life-line. Gabriel knew that this simple piece of paper he signed for about half dozen of his patients over the years was no solution to anything, even if this was the first time he filled it out himself and didn't just sign it when a social worker pushed it under his nose. It cost him nothing but a little time, but he just knew that it was still more than anyone has ever done for his brother.
He still didn't know whether there would come a time when he would want to see him again, whether he ever would be able to forgive or forget what he has done. He heard how instead of the silent tears a real sob broke out of Michael before he shut the door. He felt drained, strangely sad and cold because of everything. This was a lot at once. He shut his eyes and leaned to the wall next to the door. He was pulled a step forward the next moment and he recognized Castiel's embrace without having to open his eyes.
'Are you okay?' he asked.
'Yeah, I'm okay,' Gabriel answered. He was being honest, he was not completely fine and well, but he was okay. He opened his eyes then. 'Where's Dean?' he asked.
'He was practically vibrating with tension, so I sent him out to grab some fresh air. He's going to meet us by the car.'
'Okay, lets get going,' Gabriel said. He wanted to get out of here, eat something and curl up in a bed and just clear this all out of his mind. Castiel hummed in agreement.
Michael was unable to stop the tears, especially after the door closed behind Gabriel and he was alone again. He just couldn't calm down. His brother, who was hurt by him the most, who was treated so unfairly by him. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve any of this. He expected hate, he expected disgust, anger. Maybe it was pity, maybe something else, but for Michael is was so much at once he couldn't handle the weight of it. The one who should hate him the most just handed him over the chance for a life, a real honest life, on a silver platter. Just like that, so simply. No hateful words, no angry looks.
He cried, because he felt even more like a scum than before, now in the light of Gabriel's actions, but also because no one bothered before, not like this. And from all the people, Gabriel... how was that possible? How could he ever atone for his sins, how could he ever repay such a gesture, how was he going to say sorry and thank you a million times? No words would ever be enough in exchange for the lack of hate in Gabriel's eyes. He was not forgiven, he knew that, he wasn't even sure he wanted to be forgiven. Definitely not just yet, he has not earned forgiveness after all, maybe he won't ever earn it. But he has been given more already than he had any right to wish for.
He snapped his head up when the door opened again and he sniffed to get his sobs under control right away. His eyes landed on the badge in the tall man's belt first then he noticed the hard set of his shoulders and the tightness of his jaw. His eyes were hard and stormy and Michael felt immediately on edge.
'What... how can I help you officer?' he asked, wiping his face again, straightening up on the bed as much as he could and trying to look at least a little bit less pathetic.
'My name's Dean Winchester,' the cop answered as he walked closer. He stood at the foot of the bed, exactly where Gabriel stood. He knew the name of course. Boy from across the street, the deputy-sheriff's son. He grew up to be a very big guy.
'You got something to say to me,' he said. It was no question.
'Yeah, first of all I hate it that Gabriel wastes even a thought on you, and I sure as hell don't want you to walk the same ground or even breath the same air as him. I'm not arguing with him, because no matter what, this is up to him. Anything about you is his call. If it would've been up to me, I would've let you bleed out on our floor.'
It was easy to tell that he was honest, Michael didn't doubt it for a second.
'But like I said, it doesn't matter what I think, only what Gabriel wants. Now, I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen very carefully, because I'm only going to say it once. You hurt him again or disappoint him in any possible way and you're not going to make it back to prison alive. You understand me?'
He did, it was clear as daylight. Michael knew the look on his face, knew he was not bluffing.
'Yes,' he said, nodding. He barely bit back the “sir” that wanted to come out as a reflex. After so many years it became his default answer if he was asked by a cop or a guard.
'Good,' Dean basically growled at him and moved to get out.
'I'm not gonna screw this up,' Michael told him.
'Don't make fucking promises, because I don't care. I can't possibly have a lower opinion of you. Just make sure I don't have to come after you.'
'If I ever do something like that again, you won't have to, because I'm gonna end it myself,' Michael answered. Dean looked at him one more time before stomping out of the room, shutting to door with force.
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AN: Not gonna lie, writing this chapter made me cry embarrassingly too many times. But it turned out exactly how I wanted it. So please tell me what you thought about it.
Also, music is what helps me write, stay with the emotions of characters. It was very true in this case, so click here and listen to the song that helps me write Michael Morgestern. It's so fitting that I have no words for it.
Yoko Kanno, Scott Matthew - Beauty Is Within Us
Found at abmp3 search engine
Author:
scyllaya
Rating: PG-13
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Dean/Castiel/Gabriel,
Warning(s): cursing
Spoiler(s): AU (characters up to S5)
Word Count: ~ 4 700 (this chapter) WIP
Summary: Dean, Castiel and Gabriel live the life they wanted to have. Their biggest problem should be synchronizing their crazy schedules, unfortunately life is never that simple.
Disclaimer: Nearly all names and characters in this story belong to CW/WB and Kripke. I’m making no profit whatsoever. It’s just for fun! Most places and establishments in the story are real, but I’ve never visited any of them, so I have no true knowledge about them. People (OCs) in the story are not real! Any resemblance to real life is just a coincidence.
AN: Second story of Trinity verse. Title from: Nirvana - The Man Who Sold The World
Unbeta-ed. Trinity Verse I: Broke our Mirrors
Trinity II - Chapter One
<< Previous Chapter || Next Chapter >>
The pain was sharp and sudden, and as the blood bubbled up from the wound so did the tears in his eyes. A sob broke out from his mouth as he clutched his hand tightly, but as the pain was just not going away it turned into a ragged cry.
'Gabriel!' came from the doorway, but Gabriel didn't turn around, just clutched his hand tighter. Michael walked across the kitchen, carefully not stepping on the scattered pieces of glass that shattered on the floor. 'What are you doing here?' the older boy asked as he was approaching.
'S'hurting,' Gabriel said between two sobs. Michael looked around quickly, grabbed a clean cloth from the kitchen drawer and crouched down to the floor.
'Shh, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, just be quiet. Please be quiet, little brother. It's okay, lemme see...' ha managed to get Gabriel's hand away from his chest to wrap the cloth around the wound to stop the bleeding. 'See? Not so bad... You're gonna wake up Father, so just stay quiet, okay? Please.'
Gabriel bit back the next noise that wanted to come out of his mouth and nodded up at his brother as he sniffed a few times. Michael smiled, but only briefly, still holding his hand in place, and it was not hurting that much now like this.
'Michael?' the older boy let go of his hand so fast like it was burning him and stood up abruptly. There were steps approaching them, stopping suddenly at the doorway. 'What did you do?' came the stern question and Michael took a further step away.
'I didn't do anything, he came in here all by himself! I found him like this!' Michael answered right away. Gabriel was scoped up from the floor by two strong arms, his bloody hand held tightly again, his head cradled to a wide chest.
'Lying is not going to get you out of trouble,' rumbled the voice from the chest under Gabriel's ear. 'It just makes it worse.'
'I'm not--'
'Be quiet and go to your room. I'll deal with you later.'
Michael left without a word. Dad bandaged his wound very carefully, talking in a quiet tone all the while he was doing it and wiped away the tears. Then he put him to bed, making sure his hand was not hurting anymore and checking the blanket covering him twice. He stroked his hair and put a kiss on his head. Gabriel couldn't sleep though, because Mom was shouting really loudly when she got home.
Chapter XXVI
Dean was anything but happy about all of this, Gabriel could tell easily, he appreciated that he was not speaking his mind though. Castiel was carefully neutral, hovering somewhere between quiet support and cautious disapproval. He also didn't say a word. Gabriel was sure that he would've been easily talked out of this, so he really was grateful that Dean and Cas didn't do it.
'Here it is Dr. Morgenstern,' said nurse Rosen as she handed over the plastic bag that contained Michael's wallet, his watch and everything else they found in his pockets. Gabriel immediately spotted the piece of newspaper among them, even if it was blood-stained now a little.
'Thank you,' he answered and opened it. He only needed one more thing to be done with all of the papers and he was sure that he could get those from his brother's wallet, so he asked for his stuff.
'Do you need anything else?' she asked, but Gabriel shook his head. The nurse walked back out from the doctor's lounge then. Dean was sitting at the opposite side of the table, while Cas was right next to him.
Gabriel opened the walled to search for Michael's ID number, but he stopped abruptly almost immediately.
'What?' Dean frowned right away. Gabriel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was really hard to deal with. Castiel leaned closer to take a look at what Gabriel saw, namely the old photograph in Michael's wallet.
'Never saw this picture,' Castiel remarked.
'Me neither,' Gabriel answered. It was him and Michael, but he was only two years old maybe, so Michael around eleven. This whole thing was a mess, especially in his own head. Dean came over from the other side to take a look too. Gabriel kept staring at it for a moment before he noticed that there was a hand around him on the picture, someone was holding him. He got the picture out and sure enough it was a larger photo folded up. He carefully smoothed it out and yeah, he expected as much, it was still strange. It was a full family photo of them. His mother was next to Michael, resting a hand on his shoulder, while Gabriel was held in his father's arms. He didn't remember his father, he's never even seen a picture of him. And suddenly he was there.
He must've gone too still, because both Dean and Cas reached out to him, Castiel resting a hand on his arm, Dean sliding closer until their thighs touched.
'I don't know why, but I always imagined your dad to have dark hair,' Dean said, breaking the silence. Gabriel glanced up at him then back at the picture. His father had the same dark-blond, brownish hair he had, even their eye-color was the same.
'I don't even know why,' Dean added, but he was right. Gabriel did too actually, back on the very rare occasions he thought about his father.
'I guess we just assumed that you got your hair-color from your mom so it would leave Michael having his black-hair from your Dad,' Castiel said, shrugging. Gabriel frowned at the picture.
'Apparently not,' he concluded. He put the photo down and got out Michael's ID to scribble the number down onto one of the papers. There, he was done with that. He turned the pen over in his hand a few times. 'Ok, I guess it's time to go in now,' he said.
'Ok, fine, lets get this over with,' Dean stood up. Gabriel followed, holding the folder in one hand and picking up Michael's stuff with the other.
'I rather do this alone,' he said and the protest was immediately there on Dean's face. He was just opening his mouth when Castiel stood up and stepped closer, cutting him off by gripping his arm and pulling him out of Gabriel's way.
'Which is fine,' he said pointedly. 'And we're going to be waiting right outside of the door.'
Dean huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. There was something beyond endearing about him being this protective. Gabriel appreciated it, he really did, but there were things he really wanted and could do without someone holding his hand.
'It's fine,' he told him, resting his hand on Dean's upper arm for a moment, capturing his gaze. Dean reluctantly nodded, still not being happy about it. They walked over to the room in almost complete silence. Cas stopped when they reached the door, not letting go of Dean's arm either, stopping him too, much to the other's annoyance. Gabriel was sure that if it would've been up to Dean he would have been wrapped around him completely, just so he could glare down at Michael over his shoulder like a big bad protective wolf.
'Just call if you need us,' Castiel said, he managed to control his worry a lot better than Dean.
Gabriel was nervous, he had absolutely no idea what he was going to say or what Michael was going to say or anything. Maybe he would freak after a minute having to be alone with him, he really had no idea. But he owed it to himself to step through the door and see how it made him feel, if it made him feel anything at all. He just had to know, had to face this, close this down or move on, something. He couldn't just ignore Michael's existence. So he took a breath and did it, opened the door to walk inside.
Michael turned his head when the door opened and his eyes widened at the sight of Gabriel. He moved and sat up a little in his bed, but just kept staring at the other man silently.
'If I'm going back to prison you really shouldn't have bothered saving me,' was the first thing he said. Gabriel walked closer and put the plastic bag down to the small nightstand next to Michael's bed, his wallet and the photo on top of it.
'You're not going to prison,' Gabriel answered then walked past the bed, only stopping when he was at the other side of the room. Michael was in a singular room, but that was no surprise. Gabriel leaned to the wall, the folder still in his hand. He didn't really know what he wanted to say. There were hundreds of things that ran through his head in the past day, everything from nice empty platitudes to the cruelest, harshest accusations. Still, the words didn't come, he looked out of the window and stayed silent. It was strange. In his mind, it was really hard to put together the Michael he remembered with this man lying on the hospital bed, all thin and pale and quiet.
'Why are you here, Gabriel?' he asked.
'Why did you want to find me?' Gabriel asked in return, because he was sure that there were a lot of similarities between the answers to these questions.
There was a sound of rustling sheets and Gabriel turned back to see how Michael carefully reached over to the nightstand and pulled the photo out from under his wallet. He settled back into the bed with a wince and unfolded the picture, trying to smooth out the deep creases with his hands a few times, unsuccessfully of course. The picture was way too old and crumpled for that.
'One of these things doesn't belong,' he remarked looking down onto the photo. 'Father surely always thought so,' he continued and Gabriel remained silent. He didn't have anything to say, or couldn't decide what to say, so he let the other man talk.
'I know I used to tell you that he was a great, important and respected person... he wasn't really, not at all, not one bit. I thought he was, despite everything, not knowing any better for a long while. He was not a good person. Not even remotely.'
Gabriel didn't know where Michael was going with this, but he let him speak. What does he have to lose listening? It's not like he remembered his father, there were some vague memories in the back of his mind about a deep voice, about a distant scent, but that was all.
'Father was convinced that Mother cheated on him and that I was not his son,' Michael continued and this was the first thing that made Gabriel look at him for more than a brief moment. 'I didn't understand it at first, why he was too distant, too harsh. I don't look like him, I don't look like Mother either, I don't even know whether it's true or not. I only know that I tried and failed to be what he might've wanted. I'm not a smart person, not that I'm stupid, but I'm not exactly clever either. I was nothing special, not even as a kid, probably almost below average to be honest. He sure thought that proved him right, because his son would be different, his son would be better.'
Michael fell silent and put the photo back to the nightstand, like he was not able to look at it any longer.
'Then you were born, looking so very like him even as a baby. He was good to you, kind, caring. I didn't even realize just then that the way he acted was not how he was, it was just how he treated me. He was not hurting me, not like that. It was the small things, how he read to you for hours, while he always just told me to stay in my room. How he would not look at me the way he looked at you. How he never failed to say what a sharp little boy you were, learning everything so fast. You were barely one year old and you could already say so much, while I was not speaking well even at three.'
Gabriel felt how he gripped the folder in his hand a little tighter.
'I was not jealous. He thought I was, he was sure of it, kept telling me how greed and jealousy poisons the soul. He didn't let me hold you, play with you, be with you, made sure we never were alone, he kept staring at me with warning on his face whenever I was within touching distance, like I was some sort of a disease and I would infect you by being there, like I wanted to hurt you,' he fell really quiet at the last words, his voice dimming out to a small whisper. 'It didn't even feel like I had a brother, but I wasn't jealous. I just thought I was wrong, different, flawed.'
Silence settled between them and Gabriel still had nothing to say, because what exactly was he supposed to say? Michael seemed surprised that he was still there, so it was probably more than what was expected already.
'Mother argued with him a lot about it and I don't even know whether she sent him away or was it him who left on his own in the end. Only Mother used to pay real attention to me, but when Father left I lost that. She started to work a lot to be able to keep up the life we had. The house, the bills, everything was paid by Father before and suddenly she was alone. I was sure Father left because of me back then, that all the ways I failed him was finally too much. I worked during the summers since I was fourteen, I don't know if you remember that or not, I tried... I wanted to be there for her, prove that I was not as bad as Father always thought I was.'
'It was not enough, so despite Father being gone Mother asked Grandpa and Grandma Morgenstern for help, she thought that no matter what, they would still care for their grandchildren, right? You know what Grandma Morgenstern told her? That they would be more than happy to raise their grandson properly, but they won't give money to some whore and her bastard son. Mother didn't let them take you, so they opened up an account for you instead. Making sure that Mother wouldn't be able to reach that money.'
That Gabriel knew. The account from his grandparents opened up for him when he turned eighteen, it was what he used to move to Copenhagen, he paid his college and most of Med School from it. He just had no idea that he was the only one who got support from his Father's parents. His mother never spoke a word of any of this.
'I wanted us to move. I wanted her to sell the house, so we could move to somewhere cheaper, something we could actually afford, but she was having none of it,' Michael shook his head ruefully and for the first time since he started talking his fists clenched on the top of his covers before he continued. 'Then she started sleeping with that bastard so she could keep the house and all her possessions... and I hated her so much for it.'
Gabriel was too young to remember any of this. His first clear memories are from the age of six and seven, he couldn't really recall these first few years after his Father left them.
'For becoming something Father accused her to be. I kept telling her it was not worth it, she wouldn't listen. And as days and weeks passed, every time she would stay out late I kept wishing she would've left Grandma Morgenstern take you away, kept asking why Father didn't take you with him when he left. If it would've been just the two of us, she wouldn't have had to do that. I was... angry... constantly... so very angry, for so very long, that after a while I just couldn't stop being angry... at everything.' His fists unclenched, but he had to grip the covers tightly to stop them from shaking and he shut his eyes for long moments, taking a few deep breaths.
'I hated Father for treating me so wrongly. I hated Mother for lowering herself like that for all the useless things she wanted to keep, I hated all of her pricey vases, expensive carpets, crystal glasses and jewelry. I hated her for not listening to me. I hated you for being so perfect, the way I never was. And hated that you were the only one who didn't look at me like I was wrong simply by existing...' he opened his glistening eyes, but didn't search for eye-contact. 'I wish I could've been better, I wish I walked away, disappeared. I wish I never hurt you, I wish I could've stopped...' his voice broke and he fell silent. Not uttering a single word for long minutes. His breath was quick and shallow and he had his eyes closed again. Gabriel remained by the wall. Still and silent, watching this man and suspecting that this was the first time he ever managed to tell this to someone, anyone. That probably no one listened before.
'I'm not making excuses here, this is not what it is,' Michael spoke up again. 'I'm not, since there's no excuse. I just wanted to tell you... just because.'
Gabriel was not good at deciding how he felt about things. Hell, the only thing he learned to build upon recently, was how he felt about Dean and Castiel. Believing and trusting how they felt about him in return. How he could trust Chuck and trust Katrina if he felt like falling, that there were hands reaching out to pull him back up again. That he could believe in them, that he won't be left behind, won't ever be alone. It was not easy and sometimes he still doubted it to its very core, he couldn't help it. He was so not ready for trying to figure out this one.
'I don't think I can forgive you, Michael,' he said after the silence was too much to bear. Michael looked up at him for a moment and while his eyes were shiny with moisture, he didn't cry. He averted his gaze, started staring down at his hands and how they were tightly clenched in the covers again, he nodded jerkily, sucking in a breath.
'Alright,' he said quietly in hoarse voice. Accepting it without question.
'Definitely not now,' Gabriel continued. 'And I don't know if I ever will be able to. I don't know.'
Michael just nodded again, not looking up.
'I get it,' he said. 'Still, you saved my life so... thank you.' He did raise his head to look Gabriel in the eye when saying that, wanting to make sure that he knew his gratitude was sincere.
'No, I'm saving your life now,' Gabriel told him. He took a few steps closer to stand by the foot of the bed and dropped the folder in Michael's lap, then he crossed his arms over his chest. Michael frowned as he picked it up.
'What is this?' he asked.
'That's an address, a name, and a filled out form that's gonna get you in the council-house of the Donnerman Foundation. Which is basically a roof above your head, a bed to sleep on, and a job so that you can earn your keep and pay them back the medical bill they're going to temporary take over from you, since you don't have insurance.'
Michael looked up from the folder at him with widened eyes. So much unvarnished disbelief in his green eyes, endless confusion that rendered him speechless. He just blinked then kept looking down at the folder in his hand, like it was not supposed to exist, or like he didn't believe that it existed and was expecting it to disappear. Gabriel continued talking, since he had no idea what else to do.
'So when you get discharged, you're going to go to that address, ask for the person whose name I written down there and give him the form. You'll go through the personal meeting, sign whatever document you need to sign, and accept whatever job they decide you're capable of doing.'
Michael looked up at him again, he was holding the folder so tightly in his hands now that he was going to crease the papers.
'Why would you--' he stopped, his voice breaking again. 'Gabriel--'
'I had some patients sent there before,' Gabriel explained. 'People like you, who were in prison for a very long time and wouldn't be able to find accommodation or a job on their own.'
This time, no matter how many breaths he took or how he tried to stop it, there were tears in Michael's eyes. He closed the folder and clutched it to his chest like it was the single most valuable thing he ever had in his possession.
'Thank you,' he said again, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes were wet and red and he tried to control himself, he was practically shaking, but he was still crying silently.
'You will be forced to stand on your own feet there, believe me,' Gabriel added. 'So you go and straighten your life out. And after you did that... maybe, just maybe, there's going to be a slight chance that I will be willing to see you ever again, maybe. I will know where you are, but I don't want you to come anywhere near my life. Not here to my workplace, not my home, nowhere close to any of my family here or in Castle Rock. Are we clear on this?'
Michael nodded even before the last word was out of Gabriel's mouth.
'I won't bother you,' he said.
'Okay,' Gabriel replied. 'Don't make me regret this.' He himself wasn't sure whether that was supposed to be a threat or wish, he didn't try to figure it out.
Michael just nodded again, wiping at his face, but he was breathing too raggedly and was shaking too much to actually speak.
'Goodbye, Michael,' Gabriel said and headed to the door.
It took him half an hour to print and fill out the form that he just handed over. It took only a minute to scribble down the address and the name of the coworker at the foundation he knew personally, yet Michael was clutching the folder like a life-line. Gabriel knew that this simple piece of paper he signed for about half dozen of his patients over the years was no solution to anything, even if this was the first time he filled it out himself and didn't just sign it when a social worker pushed it under his nose. It cost him nothing but a little time, but he just knew that it was still more than anyone has ever done for his brother.
He still didn't know whether there would come a time when he would want to see him again, whether he ever would be able to forgive or forget what he has done. He heard how instead of the silent tears a real sob broke out of Michael before he shut the door. He felt drained, strangely sad and cold because of everything. This was a lot at once. He shut his eyes and leaned to the wall next to the door. He was pulled a step forward the next moment and he recognized Castiel's embrace without having to open his eyes.
'Are you okay?' he asked.
'Yeah, I'm okay,' Gabriel answered. He was being honest, he was not completely fine and well, but he was okay. He opened his eyes then. 'Where's Dean?' he asked.
'He was practically vibrating with tension, so I sent him out to grab some fresh air. He's going to meet us by the car.'
'Okay, lets get going,' Gabriel said. He wanted to get out of here, eat something and curl up in a bed and just clear this all out of his mind. Castiel hummed in agreement.
Michael was unable to stop the tears, especially after the door closed behind Gabriel and he was alone again. He just couldn't calm down. His brother, who was hurt by him the most, who was treated so unfairly by him. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve any of this. He expected hate, he expected disgust, anger. Maybe it was pity, maybe something else, but for Michael is was so much at once he couldn't handle the weight of it. The one who should hate him the most just handed him over the chance for a life, a real honest life, on a silver platter. Just like that, so simply. No hateful words, no angry looks.
He cried, because he felt even more like a scum than before, now in the light of Gabriel's actions, but also because no one bothered before, not like this. And from all the people, Gabriel... how was that possible? How could he ever atone for his sins, how could he ever repay such a gesture, how was he going to say sorry and thank you a million times? No words would ever be enough in exchange for the lack of hate in Gabriel's eyes. He was not forgiven, he knew that, he wasn't even sure he wanted to be forgiven. Definitely not just yet, he has not earned forgiveness after all, maybe he won't ever earn it. But he has been given more already than he had any right to wish for.
He snapped his head up when the door opened again and he sniffed to get his sobs under control right away. His eyes landed on the badge in the tall man's belt first then he noticed the hard set of his shoulders and the tightness of his jaw. His eyes were hard and stormy and Michael felt immediately on edge.
'What... how can I help you officer?' he asked, wiping his face again, straightening up on the bed as much as he could and trying to look at least a little bit less pathetic.
'My name's Dean Winchester,' the cop answered as he walked closer. He stood at the foot of the bed, exactly where Gabriel stood. He knew the name of course. Boy from across the street, the deputy-sheriff's son. He grew up to be a very big guy.
'You got something to say to me,' he said. It was no question.
'Yeah, first of all I hate it that Gabriel wastes even a thought on you, and I sure as hell don't want you to walk the same ground or even breath the same air as him. I'm not arguing with him, because no matter what, this is up to him. Anything about you is his call. If it would've been up to me, I would've let you bleed out on our floor.'
It was easy to tell that he was honest, Michael didn't doubt it for a second.
'But like I said, it doesn't matter what I think, only what Gabriel wants. Now, I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen very carefully, because I'm only going to say it once. You hurt him again or disappoint him in any possible way and you're not going to make it back to prison alive. You understand me?'
He did, it was clear as daylight. Michael knew the look on his face, knew he was not bluffing.
'Yes,' he said, nodding. He barely bit back the “sir” that wanted to come out as a reflex. After so many years it became his default answer if he was asked by a cop or a guard.
'Good,' Dean basically growled at him and moved to get out.
'I'm not gonna screw this up,' Michael told him.
'Don't make fucking promises, because I don't care. I can't possibly have a lower opinion of you. Just make sure I don't have to come after you.'
'If I ever do something like that again, you won't have to, because I'm gonna end it myself,' Michael answered. Dean looked at him one more time before stomping out of the room, shutting to door with force.
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AN: Not gonna lie, writing this chapter made me cry embarrassingly too many times. But it turned out exactly how I wanted it. So please tell me what you thought about it.
Also, music is what helps me write, stay with the emotions of characters. It was very true in this case, so click here and listen to the song that helps me write Michael Morgestern. It's so fitting that I have no words for it.
Yoko Kanno, Scott Matthew - Beauty Is Within Us
Found at abmp3 search engine