I'm New
Title: I'll be there
Author:
xemo_chick (AKA XAngst-PrincessX on FF.Net)
Fandom: Scrubs
Pairing: JD/Cox
Chapter Rating: T
Warnings: Cursing, Self-Injury
Summary: [John Dorian Angst]. JD is alone, and Dr. Cox has a bad feeling about it. Will they get to the kid in time? Read to find out. JDCOX not Slash though.
Notes: I've been writing fic's on Fanfiction.net till I found this awesome community.
"Carla were the hell is Marybeth? I gave her the biggest speech yesterday about how god damn mad I get when shes laaa-ate for work. And look at the stunt she pulls today. Her shift started an hour ago!"
I found my mouth falling open stupidly as Carla stopped writing on a patient chart and turned to look at me, her face filled with sorrow and hurt.
"Dr. Cox." She said, her voice wavering a little as she put a hand to my shoulder. "Dan died last night..." She scrunched up her nose as she recalled something, and then quickly let go of me. "JD, he- he told me he told you. He said you gave him the day off." She pointed at me with her pen as she said 'you', her hand beginning to shake. She stared at me hard, searching my eyes.
After a few moments she began to look utterly terrified as she realized I really had no idea. That Newbie hadn't told me a single thing about his brother. "Perry..." Her voice had become so small. "He di-didn't tell you?" Her voice cracked and went a few octaves higher than normal.
"N-no he didn't." I stuttered, confused at her expressions. We stood in silence there until it finally clicked within my head. He had no one now. His dad had died only months ago, and now- now his only brother was gone. "Carla..." I laid the chart I'd been holding on the nurses station. "Please tell me you didn't leave him alone?"
"I- I- I had to leave for work-" Her eyes grew wide as she defended herself watching me cringe and bang my fists on the counter. "-and, and Turk's been on call since last night." She took a shaky hand and placed it on her brow. "Oh god Dr. Cox, I hop-"
"C'mon, were going to the apartment Right Now!" He'd been gone for an hour and I knew there were plenty of things he could have done in that laps of time. "Now, Now, NOW!!!!" I roared at her as she looked at me dumbly. I was practically dragging her by the elbow before she finally realized she could move on her own accord. "God, how could you leave him alone?!" I hollered at her as I ran out of the hospital, slamming my palms against the pale blue double doors. "Come on, Come on." I had already made it to my Porsche in the staff parking lot, sticking the keys into the doors lock, but she was still a few feet behind.
Once we had gotten in the car she began to break down, and I felt a little guilty that I had yelled at her. "I'm so sorry Dr. Cox" she murmured. Tears splashing onto her pink scrubs, littering it with darkly colored dots. "I thought he would be fine till we got back, I never thought he was lying... why would he lie?" She hiccuped as more sobs came.
"I have an Idea, but Jesus H. Christ please let me be wrong." She looked at me, probably wanting reassurance, but I'd only be lying.
We were nearly at the apartment, and I silently thanked the gods that they lived so close, not as close as me, but close enough.
"Carla, theres an Aid kit under your seat. Bring it!" I said firmly as I drove over a speed bump in the apartment complex.
She looked at me stunned "You don't think...?" She whispered, more tears falling down her cheek as she yanked the white box by the handle and slid it out from under her seat.
"Look, I really hope this is all a big mistake and we're jumping to conclusions. That when we get up there we'll find Sally crying and downing ice cream, but- but we got to be prepared for whatever it is thats in there right now."
I parked the car sloppily as we made it to their building. Not even bothering to lock the dam thing as I hopped out and began racing up the stairs to their apartment. Why oh why did there have to be so many stairs?
"Dr. Cox slow down." I heard Carla call after me, but there was no time. As I caught site of Newbies apartment I began to run even faster. Adrenaline working my body into over drive. When I was only feet from the door I immediately began hollering, screaming, and banging as loud as I could.
"Newbie you have one second to open this door!!" I shouted, and then began banging the door hard with my fists.
"Open the God-damn door Celine!!" Moment's passed and nothing happened.
"Carla do you have a key? I said, turning around to see her bent over trying to catch her breath. Was I really that fast?
"I-I left them in my purse." She said breathlessly, then began to curse. Just wonderful!
"JD open the fucking door!!" I continued, worry brooding deeper into my chest, he'd have opened the door by now.
"Somethings wrong." I growled, stepping back and getting ready to charge for the door.
"Don't hurt yourself." I heard Carla warn, but I didn't listen.
I was already running with all my might and felt a sharp pain as I hit the unmoving door.
THUMP
That's definitely gonna hurt tomorrow.
I looked at the door stupidly, it didn't budge. "What the hell is your door made out of?" I asked incredulously. Carla began to speak but I cut her off as I began to charge for the door again.
THUMP
This time splinters flew from the wooden door, and I heard the lock squeak. One more time should do it. I thought, as I backed away a little further this time, willing everything I had into my shoulder as I rammed it into the door.
THWUNK
The lock finally broke with a GRACK sound, and the door slammed fiercely against the interior wall of the apartment. I took a quick glance at Carla before I ran into the completely silent apartment. The T.V was off, the stereo was off, the curtains were shut, and the lights were off.
"Newbie! Newbie! For the love of god answer me!" I shouted as I began to search the living room. The couch was deserted and he was no were in sight. I rushed to the stairway and stuck my head in the narrow walk way to shout upstairs. "NEWBIE!!"
I quieted after that, listening closely for any signs of were he may be. Suddenly we heard it, Carla and I. It was the sound of running water and that only meant one thing. The bathroom!
We both raced up the steps, tripping over our own feet as we rushed up as fast as we could. I gripped the railing hard as I tripped on my lab coat on the last stair but quickly steadied myself and made it to the top.
I stomped towards the bathroom and swallowed hard as my feet began to squish in carpet that was soaking wet? Water was drenching the apartment's carpet and as I neared the door of the bathroom I could see the liquid draining out from underneath the door frame in a steady stream.
"Oh god. Dr. Cox!" I heard Carla's scared voice behind me.
"Calm down." I said firmly as I slid my hand to the doorknob and gently pushed it open.
All my years of Emergency medicine put together couldn't have prepared me for the moment I opened that fucking door. I was stunned, like someone had splashed me with water from the arctic. My legs were numb, my eyes were threating to pop out of their sockets, and my vocal cords were unable to cooperate as I tried to scream.
The first thing my eyes fell upon was the blood. There, on the snow white counter lay a long kitchen knife. It was laced with blood that was dripping onto an already existent puddle of crimson beneath it. Trails of red liquid could be seen all over the floor, as well as droplets and splashes flicked all over the mirror and walls.
After I had soaked that in I turned my gaze to the tub, were water continued to over flow. Spilling endlessly onto the tile flooring. Inside the tub, the water was lightly tinted red, and I could see the blur of Newbie figure as he drifted lifelessly underneath the surface of the water. His head was completely under the surface. The only part of his body that could be seen were the kneecaps of his sweats, his long legs were bent, in attempt to give his body the room to rest easily on the bottom of the water filled tub. As I looked his form up I could see his arms were limply floating in the water and trails of red were swaying in the ripples away from his wrists. Who knew how long he'd been in there. All I knew is that he needed help this instant.
"Jesus!" I hollered, finally gaining mobility over my body. "Call an Ambulance!!"
As I listened to Carla rush away, I instantly pulled myself into the bathroom. Nearly slipping as I rushed through the soaked carpet to the edge of the bathtub.
I found myself shaking as I got down to my knees, and I placed my hands on the lip of the tub in an attempt to steady my shaking body. After a few second I was in control again, the trembling in my body had dissipated after a swift deep inhale of breath.
I quickly leaned forward, biting the bottom of my lip as I slid my hand into the chilly water, tucking them under the armpits of the lifeless kid, and relieved as I manage to pull him out with ease. Once he was out I pulled him to my chest, quickly noticing that his lips were blue and his wrists were bleeding furiously. "Fuck you Newbie. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!" I screamed at him, exasperated at what he'd done.
After I'd let out my frustration I gently shook him, hoping for a response but crushed as his head simply lolled to the side.
I got up quickly, adjusting his body in my arms as I raced him down the stairs into the living room floor. He wasn't wearing a shirt which only made it easier to see how pale his skin was and to feel how freezing cold and clammy he had become.
I knew he wasn't breathing as I laid him down on the carpet of the living room, but I checked for a breath despite of that. Hoping that by some miracle he hadn't breathed in any water. I lowered my ear to his lips and waited, feeling nothing against my ear after a few moments. "He's not breathing." I croaked at Carla who I could see was still talking into the phone in the kitchen. Tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn't hear me.
I put two fingers to his neck and held my breath. "God dammit!"
No pulse.
Carla was now kneeling on the other side of Newbie, she'd finished with 911 and was working on stopping the bleeding in his wrists with the first aid kit. "They're on their way." She informed me, as she continued binding his wounds.
I then began CPR.
I straightened his body out on the floor and gingerly placed a hand on his forehead and pushed it back. Next, I lifted up his chin opening his airway and parting his lips. He was so still and lifeless, dead weight underneath me.
I shook my head burying the nerves that were threatening to surface and refocused on the kid. Inhaling deeply as I pinched his nose shut and leaned in to cover his cold blue lips with mine. I blew two steady breaths into his lungs, breaking away to start chest compressions. I placed my hands, one over the other in the middle of his bare chest locking my elbows and pushing down against his chest rhythmically. "C'mon, breath kid."
"Please, oh god please, oh god please." I could faintly hear Carla muttering.
I stopped after 5 compressions and checked his pulse once again.
Nothing.
Again I inhaled deeply, pinched his nose shut and bent down to deliver two steady breaths. Watching his chest rise and fall with each exhale. "C'mon kid, Don't do this to me." I whimpered, beginning to pump his heart again, and pleading with his lungs to work. 'One... Two... Three.. Four... Five' I counted to myself. Then covered his lips to deliver two more desperate breaths. I checked his pulse.
There was nothing again.
It wasn't looking good, not at all. I lifted my head up towards Carla but she was no longer there. I glanced around the room looking for her, then finally spotted her. She was sitting against a wall a few feet away from me. Starring blankly as I tried to get the kid to breath, and muttering something I couldn't hear. Maybe a prayer. She looked at me, and I couldn't bare to hold her gaze so I looked away, resuming the CPR.
I folded my hands over his chest again, pushing fast and hard. "One, two, three, four, five." I said aloud. I wanted to focus on something, and listening to my own voice as I spoke seemed good enough for the time being. I lowered my head to his again and blew hard into his chest. "Breath, please Jd" I said as I broke away from his cold lips. I put two fingers under his chin.
Nothing. Fuck fuck fuck!
This couldn't be happening. "This can't be happening!" I shouted into the air, defeat imploring me to give up. Carla flinched as my voice shook the room. I looked at her, an edge to my narrowed determined eyes.
I began pumping his chest again, more motivated than ever. This kid was gonna live, by the grace of god I wasn't going to give up!
Sweat was beginning to drip down my forehead in streams. The minutes were slowly growing and I felt fatigue wearing in, but it didn't matter. There was still no response from the kid.
"C'mon Newbie!" I leaned down again towards his unresponsive form.
"I'll be there for you, I swear it!" I said, getting closer.
"Just take a god damn breath!" I covered him with my mouth and exhaled one last breath, my effort strong and pleading as I pushed the air hard into his lungs. Then suddenly, like magic, he began to convulse and cough up what seemed like gallons of water.
"Oh Jesu- Oh my- God, Thank God!!" I cried, utterly relieved as he shook underneath me. Ridding his lung of the volatile liquid that had entered.
I felt tears welling in the corner of my eyes and I quickly shut them tight, pretending to nurse and invisible migraine in the bridge of my nose with my hand.
After it had settled I grabbed JD, gently placing his head and back on my lap. I began to rub his chest as he rested on me. Attempting to soothe him as he breathed in gasps and coughed uncontrollably. "Slow Newbie, Slow breaths" I murmured over and over again.
His breathing was gradually going from quick wheezing to slow steady breaths but his eyes remained closed, and he was still limp but he was alive.
"Bambi, oh Bambi" Carla cried as she crawled towards us and began to stroke his hair. Terrified that we had been so close. We were so fucking close!
I continued to rock him, similar to the way I cradled Jack when he'd hurt himself. How ironic I thought, that here I was doing the same to JD. I needed to feel him though, hear him breath. Know that he was indeed alive.
"God Kid... god J.D! You almost gave me a fucking heart attack!" I whispered into the ears of the kid in my lap, noting how nice it felt to say his name once in a while. Suddenly I noticed his teeth were chattering, and caught site of the endless trail of goosebumps beginning to adorn his skin. He must be freezing.
"Carla do you have some blankets?"
"Yea, yea I do. I'll be right back." I could see the pain in her eyes as she had to stop stroking his mused wet hair to go fetch a blanket. She slowly unraveled her hand from his raven locks, and placed a kiss on his forehead before getting up and trailing up the stairs.
I sat anchored to the spot in the living room by more than just the body resting on me. The fear had been so strong, and it was taking longer than I had expected for my body to finally calm down. I stared fixedly at the jaw line of JD, watching it tremble as I awaited Carla's return. He probably had a little hypothermia going. Who knew how long he had been sitting in that tub.
"Here you go." I flinched as Carla's still shaking hands offered me a blanket. My mind was wandering so much that I hadn't even noticed her come down the stairs.
"Thanks." I said as I reached out to take the blanket from her. Shamefully noticing that my hands were trembling as well, maybe even more so.
I threw the warm light brown blanket over the kid. Rubbing it's warm into his wet, cold skin. "He's probably got a little hypothermia." I said softly to Carla as she watched me do so.
"Is he going to be o.k?" She said leaning against the wall behind her.
"He should be fine... as far as injuries go." I said, staring at his pale face.
I suddenly heard sirens wailing outside, and my head sprung up towards the partially open front door. "Took those fuckers long enough!" I growled.
Carla smiled then, for the first time since we left the hospital. Probably at how frustrated I was over the situation. I'd probably be laughing at me too if I was her. I had been a complete mess. For the first time in my sorry life, I had frozen, I had trembled, and- and I had been fucking terrified.
As the paramedics entered the apartment everything seemed to go by in slow motion. Carla and I were ordered to move away and let them do their jobs. It was hard for me to cooperate, and at first I had tried to help, but Carla had glared at me and I had faltered, stepping away and joining her a few feet from the intruders. We simply stood there next to each other, watching as J.D was strapped onto a stretcher by strangers in blue uniforms, assisted with breathing and hauled out the door and down the stairs to an awaiting ambulance.
After the room was cleared it was Carla's turn to drag me out of the apartment, coaxing me to hurry up and get my things so we could make it to the hospital and see JD. But there was one thing I had to do before we left.
"Hold on." I said as she danced her fingers on the door frame impatiently. "I'll be right back." She lifted a brow as she watched me jog up the stairs, wondering what in the world it was I had to do.
As I neared the bathroom I could still hear the water running, and could feel my shoes sink further than before into the soaked carpet. I put a hand to the door frame of the bathroom and all the while holding my breath slipped into the room and shut off the faucet on the bathtub. Taking one good last look at the scene that could have well been Newbies successful suicide.
As I came down the stairs Carla was still at the door. Her eyes filled with wonder.
"C'mon let's go." I said hurriedly, pleased to see her comply and not ask questions. I swiftly covered the space between the stairs and the front door and almost playfully pushed her out of the apartment as I closed the door behind us. My keys jingling in my pocket as I began to jog down the hall, and then down the stairs to my Porsche parked outside.
When Carla and I had made it to the hospital, we could see JD being hauled into the emergency ward by the paramedics. I quickly sprinted to the stretcher with Carla at my side, and informed them that I would be taking over. One of the paramedics had the nerve to look at me funny. "I told you before I work at Sacred Heart, did you think I was joking!" I said frustrated at their hesitance to hand him over. They could see the fire burning within me as I clenched my fist and it seemed to scare them.
"Oh yes, we're sorry." One of them said, sloppily handing the gurney over to Carla and I.
"Blow it out your ass." Was all I said as Carla and I went to search for an empty room.
The thing about the hospital was that once I was back in there, I was in doctor mode again. Everything becomes first nature to me, it's like my home away from home. My true calling. Well, that was why I had become a doctor after all.
As we entered an empty room I began shooting orders, knowing well that Carla was ready for them.
"Carla I want you to page Dr. Wen as soon as were done in here. He's going to need stiches for his wrists, and make sure you do his paper work. I know the last thing he'd want is the whole hospital knowing about his situation. He's my patient so I'm going to make sure no sissy girl doctors come roaming in here nosing around, and I want you to do the same!"
I gave her a stern look as we continued to plug in monitors, put in an IV drip, and record his stats into a patient chart. He, after all was my patient now.
It had been a little over two hours since Carla and I had found Newbie lifeless in the apartment. He was now done with surgery and back in his room. Dopped up on morphine and resting soundly in his bed.
I stood outside for the time being watching Carla, Barbie, and Gahndi hovering around Newbies still form. Elliot was clutching his right hand in hers, and Carla was stroking his hair affectionately. I watched them as they talked to him, as they paced around the room recalling memories and laughing occasionaly. Brown bear or whatever the hell Newbie called him was seated across from Barbie. Resting his elbows on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at JD's closed eyes as he talked to the girls. I could see that they were all still very worried. No laugh or act of normalcy could succeed in hiding it. I had to admit, I was a little nervous myself. His tests would be back shortly, telling me whether his brain was functioning normal and if there would be any long term complications regarding his lungs. After I had gotten him to breath in the apartment I had hoped that that would be the last of my worries. But I knew it wouldn't be that easy.
Above all I hadn't forgotten what I'd promised. What I'd desperately told him as I begged him to breath. I- I'd told him that I swear I'd be there for him. And I wasn't a man to go back on a promise, whether he heard it or not. He had saved me from so much guilt by coughing up that damned water. He had done me the greatest favor I could have ever asked for. I was too used to death, to accustomed to watching people I cared for leave. It would have been over for me if it had happened again.
I knew that I needed to change. JD had looked up to me since day one. He had seen something in me and respected me in a way no one ever had. He had wanted to be like me. That, I couldn't understand. Yes, we had both had those rare moments were I'd thank him or I'd give him a pat on the shoulder, but I knew that it wasn't enough. For every one of those moments I had done 10 times the damage. Ridiculing him with insults, and extinguishing his self esteem. Most of the time I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I did care for the kid, more than I'd like to admit, but a part of me never wanted to let him in. It was a defense mechanism. I had seen it happen all to often. Everyone I care for eventually leaves, in one way or another. And I, I knew I couldn't handle Newbie leaving. But look at what it caused. Pushing him away only made him feel alone, and attempt to do something as stupid as take his own life.
I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I thought of it. He should have come to me, if I had known that his brother had died I would have at least tried to help I thought he'd know that. After all I had tried when his father died. Yes, maybe Dan had helped a little then, but I knew how grief felt. After all, Ben had been my only friend for as long as I could remember. I had something in common there, but I knew there was no use dwelling in the what if's. The damage was already done. Newbie had done the unthinkable. Now all that could be done was to fix the damage. And I had decided that I couldn't continue to push him away. I had to be there for him, like a father to a son. He needed that more than ever now.
I drifted from my thoughts as the door to Newbies room opened, and the defeated Trio stepped outside slowly, one after the other.
"Hi Dr. Cox." Barbie muttered as she exited the room.
"Any changes." I said, a little distracted at all their expressions.
"Nothing." Carla said with a sigh, rubbing her husbands tense shoulders.
"I can't believe it." Gahndi muttered at the touch.
"Neither can any of us." I said. "You should all take the day off. God knows you couldn't treat patients even if you wanted to."
"We were actually all going to go take a nap in the on-call room. It would make us feel better knowing we were close." Carla said softly, and with the others began to walk in the direction of the room. It was a good idea. I didn't want to leave either, but hell if I'd let them know that.
I lingered outside Newbies room for a few moments, waiting unconsciously until they were gone for sure. And when my subconscious was finally satisfied I cautiously entered the room. I felt a chill go down my neck as my feet crossed the threshold of the door frame. Maybe because the chilly air swept across my neck as as the door shut behind me, but I knew it wasn't the case. I was nervous. The room was completely silent except for the steady beat of the heart monitor, and listening to it made me calm somewhat. I took a deep breath and dragged a chair to the side of Newbies bed. Positioning it near his head and shoulders so I could talk to him. I sank into the chair, noticing how extremely uncomfortable it was, and silently apologized to the endless families that had sat in it before me.
I looked at Newbie, his hair was dry now, and with out the product it was usually filled with it looked soft as it lay flatly on his forehead. He looked so young there, the lines of worry he faintly held were gone in his sleep and his lips were partly open as a soft snore escaped him. He really was a kid, to me at least, young enough to be my son. I reached over to move the locks from his face. Disappointed when moving them away only succeeds in making him look younger. I rested my hands on my lap thinking about what it is I should say, now that I knew the kid very well couldn't here me.
"JD-" I began, reaching over to grasp his hand in mine. "you don't know how sorry I am, I'm so, so sorry... Dan was a great brother, and he loved you very much... You should be glad you had him while you did, some of us don't even get that." I stroked his fingers, searching for more words. "Like I promised Newbie, I will be here for you... Whenever you feel like you can't handle things I'll be here... God, when I found you... I- I was terrified." I closed my eyes hard as I felt tears threatening to fall for my eyes. I hadn't cried in so many years. Not even at Ben's funeral and here I was actually about to cry.
"JD, I care about you... and I've been a rotten Son Of A Bitch for so long... and I'm so-" My voice began to crack. "I'm so sorry."
I opened my eyes slowly again, thankful that I hadn't cried. But when I looked up at Newbie my heart stopped, his head was turned towards me slightly and his eyes were- were fluttering open.
"I'm sorry." I heard him say tiredly, it was so quiet though that I thought I was imagining it.
"JD?" I said dumbly, and he smiled. He was smiling, I couldn't believe it. Suddenly I realized that he was awake. Had he heard everything I said?
"Dr. Cox I'm so sorry." He said again, and I finally had control of my voice and my body.
"Oh god kid." I cried, actually genuinely cried. THE GREAT DR. PERCIVAL COX! But truly, I didn't give a damn, not this time. Things were gonna be different.
I got up quick, shoving my chair back as I went to give JD the biggest hug. Holding him tight against my chest. This time though, it was me who wanted and needed it.
"D-Dr. Cox" He stuttered stupidly through my lab coat, but quieted after the initial shock. I let go after a minute and patted him on the shoulder as I laid him down again.
"How much did you hear." I asked him as he stared at me confused.
"Umm.. I... uhh." He mumbled deciding whether it was a trap or something.
"C'mon JD." His eyes softened as he heard me say his name. God why had I denied that from him for so long?
"Everything." He muttered. "I heard everything." I looked at him, my expression gentle.
"I'm glad" I said softly. Falling into the readjusted seat next to him. He lay there quietly as I watched him and I could tell he was thinking. Of course he was thinking! He knew I knew everything now, and I saw everything as well.
"JD." He turned his gaze from the ceiling to me. "Why didn't you talk to me."
He looked at me with hurt in his eyes and I suddenly knew half the answer.
"I didn't want to bother you-" He began. "and I thought you'd call me a girl or something..." He started to mumble and I couldn't make out the rest of his sentence.
"Ki- JD." His expression softened again. "I care about you, and I- I just want to say I'm sorry for everything... You wanna know why I treated you the way I did?"
"I already know why." He said, staring at the ceiling again. "You were afraid of getting hurt."
"Yea, but I'm not anymore. I've realized something." I took a deep breath collecting my thoughts. "I want to care about you, even if I'll get hurt in the end... I rather have you as a friend, than never have you in my life at all."
He had a tear trailing down his cheek, and I felt so bad. Thats all he had wanted from me for all this time. For me to accept him.
"You have been like a son to me, JD. You remind me so much of myself." I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand again. "And today, when I saw you in the tub..."
A tear trailed down my face.
"and I thought my son was dead... I was just, I was just so glad when you breathed... God JD. Please, Don't ever do that to me again!" My words were pleading reassurance.
"Promise." He said softly. Silent tears continuing to fall.
"Jd?"
"Yea" he said. Turning to look at me.
"I love you kid, and I'll always be here."
"I love you too."
END
Author:
xemo_chick (AKA XAngst-PrincessX on FF.Net)
Fandom: Scrubs
Pairing: JD/Cox
Chapter Rating: T
Warnings: Cursing, Self-Injury
Summary: [John Dorian Angst]. JD is alone, and Dr. Cox has a bad feeling about it. Will they get to the kid in time? Read to find out. JDCOX not Slash though.
Notes: I've been writing fic's on Fanfiction.net till I found this awesome community.
"Carla were the hell is Marybeth? I gave her the biggest speech yesterday about how god damn mad I get when shes laaa-ate for work. And look at the stunt she pulls today. Her shift started an hour ago!"
I found my mouth falling open stupidly as Carla stopped writing on a patient chart and turned to look at me, her face filled with sorrow and hurt.
"Dr. Cox." She said, her voice wavering a little as she put a hand to my shoulder. "Dan died last night..." She scrunched up her nose as she recalled something, and then quickly let go of me. "JD, he- he told me he told you. He said you gave him the day off." She pointed at me with her pen as she said 'you', her hand beginning to shake. She stared at me hard, searching my eyes.
After a few moments she began to look utterly terrified as she realized I really had no idea. That Newbie hadn't told me a single thing about his brother. "Perry..." Her voice had become so small. "He di-didn't tell you?" Her voice cracked and went a few octaves higher than normal.
"N-no he didn't." I stuttered, confused at her expressions. We stood in silence there until it finally clicked within my head. He had no one now. His dad had died only months ago, and now- now his only brother was gone. "Carla..." I laid the chart I'd been holding on the nurses station. "Please tell me you didn't leave him alone?"
"I- I- I had to leave for work-" Her eyes grew wide as she defended herself watching me cringe and bang my fists on the counter. "-and, and Turk's been on call since last night." She took a shaky hand and placed it on her brow. "Oh god Dr. Cox, I hop-"
"C'mon, were going to the apartment Right Now!" He'd been gone for an hour and I knew there were plenty of things he could have done in that laps of time. "Now, Now, NOW!!!!" I roared at her as she looked at me dumbly. I was practically dragging her by the elbow before she finally realized she could move on her own accord. "God, how could you leave him alone?!" I hollered at her as I ran out of the hospital, slamming my palms against the pale blue double doors. "Come on, Come on." I had already made it to my Porsche in the staff parking lot, sticking the keys into the doors lock, but she was still a few feet behind.
Once we had gotten in the car she began to break down, and I felt a little guilty that I had yelled at her. "I'm so sorry Dr. Cox" she murmured. Tears splashing onto her pink scrubs, littering it with darkly colored dots. "I thought he would be fine till we got back, I never thought he was lying... why would he lie?" She hiccuped as more sobs came.
"I have an Idea, but Jesus H. Christ please let me be wrong." She looked at me, probably wanting reassurance, but I'd only be lying.
We were nearly at the apartment, and I silently thanked the gods that they lived so close, not as close as me, but close enough.
"Carla, theres an Aid kit under your seat. Bring it!" I said firmly as I drove over a speed bump in the apartment complex.
She looked at me stunned "You don't think...?" She whispered, more tears falling down her cheek as she yanked the white box by the handle and slid it out from under her seat.
"Look, I really hope this is all a big mistake and we're jumping to conclusions. That when we get up there we'll find Sally crying and downing ice cream, but- but we got to be prepared for whatever it is thats in there right now."
I parked the car sloppily as we made it to their building. Not even bothering to lock the dam thing as I hopped out and began racing up the stairs to their apartment. Why oh why did there have to be so many stairs?
"Dr. Cox slow down." I heard Carla call after me, but there was no time. As I caught site of Newbies apartment I began to run even faster. Adrenaline working my body into over drive. When I was only feet from the door I immediately began hollering, screaming, and banging as loud as I could.
"Newbie you have one second to open this door!!" I shouted, and then began banging the door hard with my fists.
"Open the God-damn door Celine!!" Moment's passed and nothing happened.
"Carla do you have a key? I said, turning around to see her bent over trying to catch her breath. Was I really that fast?
"I-I left them in my purse." She said breathlessly, then began to curse. Just wonderful!
"JD open the fucking door!!" I continued, worry brooding deeper into my chest, he'd have opened the door by now.
"Somethings wrong." I growled, stepping back and getting ready to charge for the door.
"Don't hurt yourself." I heard Carla warn, but I didn't listen.
I was already running with all my might and felt a sharp pain as I hit the unmoving door.
THUMP
That's definitely gonna hurt tomorrow.
I looked at the door stupidly, it didn't budge. "What the hell is your door made out of?" I asked incredulously. Carla began to speak but I cut her off as I began to charge for the door again.
THUMP
This time splinters flew from the wooden door, and I heard the lock squeak. One more time should do it. I thought, as I backed away a little further this time, willing everything I had into my shoulder as I rammed it into the door.
THWUNK
The lock finally broke with a GRACK sound, and the door slammed fiercely against the interior wall of the apartment. I took a quick glance at Carla before I ran into the completely silent apartment. The T.V was off, the stereo was off, the curtains were shut, and the lights were off.
"Newbie! Newbie! For the love of god answer me!" I shouted as I began to search the living room. The couch was deserted and he was no were in sight. I rushed to the stairway and stuck my head in the narrow walk way to shout upstairs. "NEWBIE!!"
I quieted after that, listening closely for any signs of were he may be. Suddenly we heard it, Carla and I. It was the sound of running water and that only meant one thing. The bathroom!
We both raced up the steps, tripping over our own feet as we rushed up as fast as we could. I gripped the railing hard as I tripped on my lab coat on the last stair but quickly steadied myself and made it to the top.
I stomped towards the bathroom and swallowed hard as my feet began to squish in carpet that was soaking wet? Water was drenching the apartment's carpet and as I neared the door of the bathroom I could see the liquid draining out from underneath the door frame in a steady stream.
"Oh god. Dr. Cox!" I heard Carla's scared voice behind me.
"Calm down." I said firmly as I slid my hand to the doorknob and gently pushed it open.
All my years of Emergency medicine put together couldn't have prepared me for the moment I opened that fucking door. I was stunned, like someone had splashed me with water from the arctic. My legs were numb, my eyes were threating to pop out of their sockets, and my vocal cords were unable to cooperate as I tried to scream.
The first thing my eyes fell upon was the blood. There, on the snow white counter lay a long kitchen knife. It was laced with blood that was dripping onto an already existent puddle of crimson beneath it. Trails of red liquid could be seen all over the floor, as well as droplets and splashes flicked all over the mirror and walls.
After I had soaked that in I turned my gaze to the tub, were water continued to over flow. Spilling endlessly onto the tile flooring. Inside the tub, the water was lightly tinted red, and I could see the blur of Newbie figure as he drifted lifelessly underneath the surface of the water. His head was completely under the surface. The only part of his body that could be seen were the kneecaps of his sweats, his long legs were bent, in attempt to give his body the room to rest easily on the bottom of the water filled tub. As I looked his form up I could see his arms were limply floating in the water and trails of red were swaying in the ripples away from his wrists. Who knew how long he'd been in there. All I knew is that he needed help this instant.
"Jesus!" I hollered, finally gaining mobility over my body. "Call an Ambulance!!"
As I listened to Carla rush away, I instantly pulled myself into the bathroom. Nearly slipping as I rushed through the soaked carpet to the edge of the bathtub.
I found myself shaking as I got down to my knees, and I placed my hands on the lip of the tub in an attempt to steady my shaking body. After a few second I was in control again, the trembling in my body had dissipated after a swift deep inhale of breath.
I quickly leaned forward, biting the bottom of my lip as I slid my hand into the chilly water, tucking them under the armpits of the lifeless kid, and relieved as I manage to pull him out with ease. Once he was out I pulled him to my chest, quickly noticing that his lips were blue and his wrists were bleeding furiously. "Fuck you Newbie. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!" I screamed at him, exasperated at what he'd done.
After I'd let out my frustration I gently shook him, hoping for a response but crushed as his head simply lolled to the side.
I got up quickly, adjusting his body in my arms as I raced him down the stairs into the living room floor. He wasn't wearing a shirt which only made it easier to see how pale his skin was and to feel how freezing cold and clammy he had become.
I knew he wasn't breathing as I laid him down on the carpet of the living room, but I checked for a breath despite of that. Hoping that by some miracle he hadn't breathed in any water. I lowered my ear to his lips and waited, feeling nothing against my ear after a few moments. "He's not breathing." I croaked at Carla who I could see was still talking into the phone in the kitchen. Tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn't hear me.
I put two fingers to his neck and held my breath. "God dammit!"
No pulse.
Carla was now kneeling on the other side of Newbie, she'd finished with 911 and was working on stopping the bleeding in his wrists with the first aid kit. "They're on their way." She informed me, as she continued binding his wounds.
I then began CPR.
I straightened his body out on the floor and gingerly placed a hand on his forehead and pushed it back. Next, I lifted up his chin opening his airway and parting his lips. He was so still and lifeless, dead weight underneath me.
I shook my head burying the nerves that were threatening to surface and refocused on the kid. Inhaling deeply as I pinched his nose shut and leaned in to cover his cold blue lips with mine. I blew two steady breaths into his lungs, breaking away to start chest compressions. I placed my hands, one over the other in the middle of his bare chest locking my elbows and pushing down against his chest rhythmically. "C'mon, breath kid."
"Please, oh god please, oh god please." I could faintly hear Carla muttering.
I stopped after 5 compressions and checked his pulse once again.
Nothing.
Again I inhaled deeply, pinched his nose shut and bent down to deliver two steady breaths. Watching his chest rise and fall with each exhale. "C'mon kid, Don't do this to me." I whimpered, beginning to pump his heart again, and pleading with his lungs to work. 'One... Two... Three.. Four... Five' I counted to myself. Then covered his lips to deliver two more desperate breaths. I checked his pulse.
There was nothing again.
It wasn't looking good, not at all. I lifted my head up towards Carla but she was no longer there. I glanced around the room looking for her, then finally spotted her. She was sitting against a wall a few feet away from me. Starring blankly as I tried to get the kid to breath, and muttering something I couldn't hear. Maybe a prayer. She looked at me, and I couldn't bare to hold her gaze so I looked away, resuming the CPR.
I folded my hands over his chest again, pushing fast and hard. "One, two, three, four, five." I said aloud. I wanted to focus on something, and listening to my own voice as I spoke seemed good enough for the time being. I lowered my head to his again and blew hard into his chest. "Breath, please Jd" I said as I broke away from his cold lips. I put two fingers under his chin.
Nothing. Fuck fuck fuck!
This couldn't be happening. "This can't be happening!" I shouted into the air, defeat imploring me to give up. Carla flinched as my voice shook the room. I looked at her, an edge to my narrowed determined eyes.
I began pumping his chest again, more motivated than ever. This kid was gonna live, by the grace of god I wasn't going to give up!
Sweat was beginning to drip down my forehead in streams. The minutes were slowly growing and I felt fatigue wearing in, but it didn't matter. There was still no response from the kid.
"C'mon Newbie!" I leaned down again towards his unresponsive form.
"I'll be there for you, I swear it!" I said, getting closer.
"Just take a god damn breath!" I covered him with my mouth and exhaled one last breath, my effort strong and pleading as I pushed the air hard into his lungs. Then suddenly, like magic, he began to convulse and cough up what seemed like gallons of water.
"Oh Jesu- Oh my- God, Thank God!!" I cried, utterly relieved as he shook underneath me. Ridding his lung of the volatile liquid that had entered.
I felt tears welling in the corner of my eyes and I quickly shut them tight, pretending to nurse and invisible migraine in the bridge of my nose with my hand.
After it had settled I grabbed JD, gently placing his head and back on my lap. I began to rub his chest as he rested on me. Attempting to soothe him as he breathed in gasps and coughed uncontrollably. "Slow Newbie, Slow breaths" I murmured over and over again.
His breathing was gradually going from quick wheezing to slow steady breaths but his eyes remained closed, and he was still limp but he was alive.
"Bambi, oh Bambi" Carla cried as she crawled towards us and began to stroke his hair. Terrified that we had been so close. We were so fucking close!
I continued to rock him, similar to the way I cradled Jack when he'd hurt himself. How ironic I thought, that here I was doing the same to JD. I needed to feel him though, hear him breath. Know that he was indeed alive.
"God Kid... god J.D! You almost gave me a fucking heart attack!" I whispered into the ears of the kid in my lap, noting how nice it felt to say his name once in a while. Suddenly I noticed his teeth were chattering, and caught site of the endless trail of goosebumps beginning to adorn his skin. He must be freezing.
"Carla do you have some blankets?"
"Yea, yea I do. I'll be right back." I could see the pain in her eyes as she had to stop stroking his mused wet hair to go fetch a blanket. She slowly unraveled her hand from his raven locks, and placed a kiss on his forehead before getting up and trailing up the stairs.
I sat anchored to the spot in the living room by more than just the body resting on me. The fear had been so strong, and it was taking longer than I had expected for my body to finally calm down. I stared fixedly at the jaw line of JD, watching it tremble as I awaited Carla's return. He probably had a little hypothermia going. Who knew how long he had been sitting in that tub.
"Here you go." I flinched as Carla's still shaking hands offered me a blanket. My mind was wandering so much that I hadn't even noticed her come down the stairs.
"Thanks." I said as I reached out to take the blanket from her. Shamefully noticing that my hands were trembling as well, maybe even more so.
I threw the warm light brown blanket over the kid. Rubbing it's warm into his wet, cold skin. "He's probably got a little hypothermia." I said softly to Carla as she watched me do so.
"Is he going to be o.k?" She said leaning against the wall behind her.
"He should be fine... as far as injuries go." I said, staring at his pale face.
I suddenly heard sirens wailing outside, and my head sprung up towards the partially open front door. "Took those fuckers long enough!" I growled.
Carla smiled then, for the first time since we left the hospital. Probably at how frustrated I was over the situation. I'd probably be laughing at me too if I was her. I had been a complete mess. For the first time in my sorry life, I had frozen, I had trembled, and- and I had been fucking terrified.
As the paramedics entered the apartment everything seemed to go by in slow motion. Carla and I were ordered to move away and let them do their jobs. It was hard for me to cooperate, and at first I had tried to help, but Carla had glared at me and I had faltered, stepping away and joining her a few feet from the intruders. We simply stood there next to each other, watching as J.D was strapped onto a stretcher by strangers in blue uniforms, assisted with breathing and hauled out the door and down the stairs to an awaiting ambulance.
After the room was cleared it was Carla's turn to drag me out of the apartment, coaxing me to hurry up and get my things so we could make it to the hospital and see JD. But there was one thing I had to do before we left.
"Hold on." I said as she danced her fingers on the door frame impatiently. "I'll be right back." She lifted a brow as she watched me jog up the stairs, wondering what in the world it was I had to do.
As I neared the bathroom I could still hear the water running, and could feel my shoes sink further than before into the soaked carpet. I put a hand to the door frame of the bathroom and all the while holding my breath slipped into the room and shut off the faucet on the bathtub. Taking one good last look at the scene that could have well been Newbies successful suicide.
As I came down the stairs Carla was still at the door. Her eyes filled with wonder.
"C'mon let's go." I said hurriedly, pleased to see her comply and not ask questions. I swiftly covered the space between the stairs and the front door and almost playfully pushed her out of the apartment as I closed the door behind us. My keys jingling in my pocket as I began to jog down the hall, and then down the stairs to my Porsche parked outside.
When Carla and I had made it to the hospital, we could see JD being hauled into the emergency ward by the paramedics. I quickly sprinted to the stretcher with Carla at my side, and informed them that I would be taking over. One of the paramedics had the nerve to look at me funny. "I told you before I work at Sacred Heart, did you think I was joking!" I said frustrated at their hesitance to hand him over. They could see the fire burning within me as I clenched my fist and it seemed to scare them.
"Oh yes, we're sorry." One of them said, sloppily handing the gurney over to Carla and I.
"Blow it out your ass." Was all I said as Carla and I went to search for an empty room.
The thing about the hospital was that once I was back in there, I was in doctor mode again. Everything becomes first nature to me, it's like my home away from home. My true calling. Well, that was why I had become a doctor after all.
As we entered an empty room I began shooting orders, knowing well that Carla was ready for them.
"Carla I want you to page Dr. Wen as soon as were done in here. He's going to need stiches for his wrists, and make sure you do his paper work. I know the last thing he'd want is the whole hospital knowing about his situation. He's my patient so I'm going to make sure no sissy girl doctors come roaming in here nosing around, and I want you to do the same!"
I gave her a stern look as we continued to plug in monitors, put in an IV drip, and record his stats into a patient chart. He, after all was my patient now.
It had been a little over two hours since Carla and I had found Newbie lifeless in the apartment. He was now done with surgery and back in his room. Dopped up on morphine and resting soundly in his bed.
I stood outside for the time being watching Carla, Barbie, and Gahndi hovering around Newbies still form. Elliot was clutching his right hand in hers, and Carla was stroking his hair affectionately. I watched them as they talked to him, as they paced around the room recalling memories and laughing occasionaly. Brown bear or whatever the hell Newbie called him was seated across from Barbie. Resting his elbows on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at JD's closed eyes as he talked to the girls. I could see that they were all still very worried. No laugh or act of normalcy could succeed in hiding it. I had to admit, I was a little nervous myself. His tests would be back shortly, telling me whether his brain was functioning normal and if there would be any long term complications regarding his lungs. After I had gotten him to breath in the apartment I had hoped that that would be the last of my worries. But I knew it wouldn't be that easy.
Above all I hadn't forgotten what I'd promised. What I'd desperately told him as I begged him to breath. I- I'd told him that I swear I'd be there for him. And I wasn't a man to go back on a promise, whether he heard it or not. He had saved me from so much guilt by coughing up that damned water. He had done me the greatest favor I could have ever asked for. I was too used to death, to accustomed to watching people I cared for leave. It would have been over for me if it had happened again.
I knew that I needed to change. JD had looked up to me since day one. He had seen something in me and respected me in a way no one ever had. He had wanted to be like me. That, I couldn't understand. Yes, we had both had those rare moments were I'd thank him or I'd give him a pat on the shoulder, but I knew that it wasn't enough. For every one of those moments I had done 10 times the damage. Ridiculing him with insults, and extinguishing his self esteem. Most of the time I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I did care for the kid, more than I'd like to admit, but a part of me never wanted to let him in. It was a defense mechanism. I had seen it happen all to often. Everyone I care for eventually leaves, in one way or another. And I, I knew I couldn't handle Newbie leaving. But look at what it caused. Pushing him away only made him feel alone, and attempt to do something as stupid as take his own life.
I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I thought of it. He should have come to me, if I had known that his brother had died I would have at least tried to help I thought he'd know that. After all I had tried when his father died. Yes, maybe Dan had helped a little then, but I knew how grief felt. After all, Ben had been my only friend for as long as I could remember. I had something in common there, but I knew there was no use dwelling in the what if's. The damage was already done. Newbie had done the unthinkable. Now all that could be done was to fix the damage. And I had decided that I couldn't continue to push him away. I had to be there for him, like a father to a son. He needed that more than ever now.
I drifted from my thoughts as the door to Newbies room opened, and the defeated Trio stepped outside slowly, one after the other.
"Hi Dr. Cox." Barbie muttered as she exited the room.
"Any changes." I said, a little distracted at all their expressions.
"Nothing." Carla said with a sigh, rubbing her husbands tense shoulders.
"I can't believe it." Gahndi muttered at the touch.
"Neither can any of us." I said. "You should all take the day off. God knows you couldn't treat patients even if you wanted to."
"We were actually all going to go take a nap in the on-call room. It would make us feel better knowing we were close." Carla said softly, and with the others began to walk in the direction of the room. It was a good idea. I didn't want to leave either, but hell if I'd let them know that.
I lingered outside Newbies room for a few moments, waiting unconsciously until they were gone for sure. And when my subconscious was finally satisfied I cautiously entered the room. I felt a chill go down my neck as my feet crossed the threshold of the door frame. Maybe because the chilly air swept across my neck as as the door shut behind me, but I knew it wasn't the case. I was nervous. The room was completely silent except for the steady beat of the heart monitor, and listening to it made me calm somewhat. I took a deep breath and dragged a chair to the side of Newbies bed. Positioning it near his head and shoulders so I could talk to him. I sank into the chair, noticing how extremely uncomfortable it was, and silently apologized to the endless families that had sat in it before me.
I looked at Newbie, his hair was dry now, and with out the product it was usually filled with it looked soft as it lay flatly on his forehead. He looked so young there, the lines of worry he faintly held were gone in his sleep and his lips were partly open as a soft snore escaped him. He really was a kid, to me at least, young enough to be my son. I reached over to move the locks from his face. Disappointed when moving them away only succeeds in making him look younger. I rested my hands on my lap thinking about what it is I should say, now that I knew the kid very well couldn't here me.
"JD-" I began, reaching over to grasp his hand in mine. "you don't know how sorry I am, I'm so, so sorry... Dan was a great brother, and he loved you very much... You should be glad you had him while you did, some of us don't even get that." I stroked his fingers, searching for more words. "Like I promised Newbie, I will be here for you... Whenever you feel like you can't handle things I'll be here... God, when I found you... I- I was terrified." I closed my eyes hard as I felt tears threatening to fall for my eyes. I hadn't cried in so many years. Not even at Ben's funeral and here I was actually about to cry.
"JD, I care about you... and I've been a rotten Son Of A Bitch for so long... and I'm so-" My voice began to crack. "I'm so sorry."
I opened my eyes slowly again, thankful that I hadn't cried. But when I looked up at Newbie my heart stopped, his head was turned towards me slightly and his eyes were- were fluttering open.
"I'm sorry." I heard him say tiredly, it was so quiet though that I thought I was imagining it.
"JD?" I said dumbly, and he smiled. He was smiling, I couldn't believe it. Suddenly I realized that he was awake. Had he heard everything I said?
"Dr. Cox I'm so sorry." He said again, and I finally had control of my voice and my body.
"Oh god kid." I cried, actually genuinely cried. THE GREAT DR. PERCIVAL COX! But truly, I didn't give a damn, not this time. Things were gonna be different.
I got up quick, shoving my chair back as I went to give JD the biggest hug. Holding him tight against my chest. This time though, it was me who wanted and needed it.
"D-Dr. Cox" He stuttered stupidly through my lab coat, but quieted after the initial shock. I let go after a minute and patted him on the shoulder as I laid him down again.
"How much did you hear." I asked him as he stared at me confused.
"Umm.. I... uhh." He mumbled deciding whether it was a trap or something.
"C'mon JD." His eyes softened as he heard me say his name. God why had I denied that from him for so long?
"Everything." He muttered. "I heard everything." I looked at him, my expression gentle.
"I'm glad" I said softly. Falling into the readjusted seat next to him. He lay there quietly as I watched him and I could tell he was thinking. Of course he was thinking! He knew I knew everything now, and I saw everything as well.
"JD." He turned his gaze from the ceiling to me. "Why didn't you talk to me."
He looked at me with hurt in his eyes and I suddenly knew half the answer.
"I didn't want to bother you-" He began. "and I thought you'd call me a girl or something..." He started to mumble and I couldn't make out the rest of his sentence.
"Ki- JD." His expression softened again. "I care about you, and I- I just want to say I'm sorry for everything... You wanna know why I treated you the way I did?"
"I already know why." He said, staring at the ceiling again. "You were afraid of getting hurt."
"Yea, but I'm not anymore. I've realized something." I took a deep breath collecting my thoughts. "I want to care about you, even if I'll get hurt in the end... I rather have you as a friend, than never have you in my life at all."
He had a tear trailing down his cheek, and I felt so bad. Thats all he had wanted from me for all this time. For me to accept him.
"You have been like a son to me, JD. You remind me so much of myself." I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand again. "And today, when I saw you in the tub..."
A tear trailed down my face.
"and I thought my son was dead... I was just, I was just so glad when you breathed... God JD. Please, Don't ever do that to me again!" My words were pleading reassurance.
"Promise." He said softly. Silent tears continuing to fall.
"Jd?"
"Yea" he said. Turning to look at me.
"I love you kid, and I'll always be here."
"I love you too."
END