Fic: The Magic Number
Title: The Magic Number
Rating: Mature
Category: Humor? PWP? Let's just call it crack.
Pairing: Harry/Hermione
Word Count: 1080
Summary: Harry and Hermione are super sexy and adventurous.
Warning: Despite the rating, this may be the most un-hot thing I've ever written.
Notes: Okay, so I had no idea what to write about for today (dammit, but I need to read DH), but then I saw that this journal now has 69 watchers. So, because I'm so super mature, I lolled a bit at that (just like I do whenever the Siemens corporation is mentioned as a sponsor on NPR). And then it inspired me to write this. Because in my opinion? The sixty-nine? By far, the most over-rated sexual position. Ever.
"Fuck, Hermione, could you move your knee a little? It's sort of digging into my shoulder."
"Dear god, how did I ever let you talk me into this? This position is completely lacking in anything even remotely resembling dignity."
"Dignity? What are you talking about? You're just sort of kneeling there. Though, I think I would enjoy the rather spectacular view more if your knees weren't trying to jab holes into my shoulders."
"Hmph. There's no need to be so crude, Harry."
"What? It's a fucking great vie-DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN MOVE YOUR KNEES."
"Wait. I think if I move them forward… and put my calves sort of under your arms? How's that? Is that better?"
"Yeah, now I can use my… hands… b-better…"
"Harry? Is everything all right?"
"Wow! Fuck. This is amazing. I've never seen so much of your... stuff, you know? All at once?
"Is that supposed to be pillow talk? Nice."
"Um… Your feminine flower opens like a bud to me?"
"Ugh. You need to work on your verbal skills."
"I'd rather work on my oral skills."
"Pfft. Stop laughing, Mr. Hilarious. It's not exactly helping with my confidence. Maybe we should do this later? I think I should take a shower, first, or something."
"God, Hermione, stop worrying. It's just that, well, I don't think I've ever been able to see so much of you at once. It's hot."
"Oh yes, I feel really hot right now. I'm on fire with the heat."
"Stop thinking about it. How about I touch you like this?"
"OH."
"Enjoyed that, eh?"
"Stop smirking."
"You can't even see my face!"
"I don't need to. I know when you're smir-KING OH MY!"
"Huh. I never knew that that spot was so sensitive. I'll have to lick it more often. What's it called?"
"The perine-oh, Harry! The perineum. Oh dear god! Yes, that's not bad at all."
"What? The tongue or the fingers?"
"Both."
"Greedy."
"FUCK. Oh god, Harry, that actually feels amazing."
"Actually? Build a man up, why don't you. You know, Hermione, this position is called sixty-nine for a reason."
"What? Oh, right, sorry, I guess my attention wandered a bit. Huh. This is kind of complicated - you're quite a bit taller than me, you know. It makes the lining up of my mouth and your bits a little awkward. I guess if I lean down more on my elbows?"
"The fact that you can talk so much while I'm attempting to blow your mind with a super-amazing orgasm is a little disheartening."
"Well, I guess you'll have to double your efforts."
"Well, even if you doubled your effort, I'd still be out of luck as two times nothing is still nothing."
"Testy boy. How about this?"
"Oh my god, that's so bloody unfair."
"Unfair? How?"
"That you could do that to me so fast. And with just your hands, too."
"Blame evolution. And what in the world is so funny?"
"You. Evolution. For some reason I don't think porn normally references Darwin."
"I wouldn't know. Unlike you, I've found other reasons to have a computer."
"Oh my god, can we please stop talking so much? I'm getting confused."
"Fine."
"Don't be mad."
"I'm not mad."
"You sure?"
"If I were mad, I wouldn't be in the mood to do this."
"FUCK ME THAT'S AMAZING YOUR MOUTH IS AMAZING."
"You're so easy."
"It isn't a competition, Hermione."
"You say that because I'm winning. My elbows are tired. I'm just going to lie on you."
"Fine. Now shush. I'm going to do stuff to you now."
"Ooooohhhhh… Mmmm… Unghhhh…"
"OW SHIT HERMIONE!"
"Oh my god, Harry, I'm so sorry! It just felt so good, what you were doing, and I guess I kind of lost track of where I was and what I was doing!"
"Fuck, Hermione, how would you like it if I bit you up here?"
"Hmph! My jaw might have tensed a little. I didn't bite you, for goodness sakes!"
"Only a woman would say that."
"Fine, fine! Hmm. How about… I lick it? And make it better? Why are you laughing?!"
"Oh my god, was that your sexy voice?"
"You're a fine one to talk, Mr. I-Get-Confused."
"Okay, okay. Back to work."
"Work?"
"You know what I mean."
"Ooohhhh… Mmmmm… Ahhhhh… AHHH."
"Hermione, oh fuck that's amazing, Keep doing that, please, unless I have a heart attack, then stop."
"Bloody hell, Harry. If you stop every time I get going, you'll be done in a minute. And I'll just be left here, lying on top of you, looking like some sort of deranged gynaecological patient."
"I don't understand what's wrong. This is supposed to be so hot! Everyone says so."
"Oh, for heaven's sake! This is ridiculous!"
"Hermione, don't go! We'll get the hang of it. Maybe if we turn on our sides?"
"I'm not going anywhere. But I'm getting frustrated, and not in a good, sexy, way, either. You're hard and I'm wet and I'm tired of this. I'm just going to climb on top of you and we're going to do it. All right?"
"God, you're so romantic. Buy me some flowers, first, why don't you."
"Just shut up and lie there."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Oh, god! This is what I needed… you feel so good in me."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."
"There's that pillow talk, again."
"Fuck, Hermione, I can't help it; you're so wet and - UNGH! - tight. And I love it when you're on top like that so I can just watch your tits sort of bounce."
"I thought you liked it more when I touched them. Like this."
"Fuck, I love you."
"Charming. No shut up while I ride you."
"Oh, god! Hermione!"
"Yes, yes, yeeesss…. Harry! Oh, Harry, oh god, my clit, rub it like I like it."
"So good, so, sooo good… Hermione!"
"Yes, Harry! Yessss! Oh god, Oh god, AAAAAAH HARRY Oh my god it's oh it's oh my god I'm going to come HARRY!"
"OH FUCKING GOD."
"That's it, darling. Let me feel you come inside me."
"OH FUCKING GOD HERMIONE!"
"Whew. I've got to catch my breath."
"Hermione, that…"
"Yes?"
"That was amazing. You're amazing."
"Oh, Harry. We're amazing together."
"Yeah. You're right, as usual. Who needs this sixty-nine nonsense, anyways?"
"Not us. I think that as long as we have the two of us, that that's the only number we really need."
"Why are you so clever?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
"Happily."
The End.
Rating: Mature
Category: Humor? PWP? Let's just call it crack.
Pairing: Harry/Hermione
Word Count: 1080
Summary: Harry and Hermione are super sexy and adventurous.
Warning: Despite the rating, this may be the most un-hot thing I've ever written.
Notes: Okay, so I had no idea what to write about for today (dammit, but I need to read DH), but then I saw that this journal now has 69 watchers. So, because I'm so super mature, I lolled a bit at that (just like I do whenever the Siemens corporation is mentioned as a sponsor on NPR). And then it inspired me to write this. Because in my opinion? The sixty-nine? By far, the most over-rated sexual position. Ever.
"Fuck, Hermione, could you move your knee a little? It's sort of digging into my shoulder."
"Dear god, how did I ever let you talk me into this? This position is completely lacking in anything even remotely resembling dignity."
"Dignity? What are you talking about? You're just sort of kneeling there. Though, I think I would enjoy the rather spectacular view more if your knees weren't trying to jab holes into my shoulders."
"Hmph. There's no need to be so crude, Harry."
"What? It's a fucking great vie-DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN MOVE YOUR KNEES."
"Wait. I think if I move them forward… and put my calves sort of under your arms? How's that? Is that better?"
"Yeah, now I can use my… hands… b-better…"
"Harry? Is everything all right?"
"Wow! Fuck. This is amazing. I've never seen so much of your... stuff, you know? All at once?
"Is that supposed to be pillow talk? Nice."
"Um… Your feminine flower opens like a bud to me?"
"Ugh. You need to work on your verbal skills."
"I'd rather work on my oral skills."
"Pfft. Stop laughing, Mr. Hilarious. It's not exactly helping with my confidence. Maybe we should do this later? I think I should take a shower, first, or something."
"God, Hermione, stop worrying. It's just that, well, I don't think I've ever been able to see so much of you at once. It's hot."
"Oh yes, I feel really hot right now. I'm on fire with the heat."
"Stop thinking about it. How about I touch you like this?"
"OH."
"Enjoyed that, eh?"
"Stop smirking."
"You can't even see my face!"
"I don't need to. I know when you're smir-KING OH MY!"
"Huh. I never knew that that spot was so sensitive. I'll have to lick it more often. What's it called?"
"The perine-oh, Harry! The perineum. Oh dear god! Yes, that's not bad at all."
"What? The tongue or the fingers?"
"Both."
"Greedy."
"FUCK. Oh god, Harry, that actually feels amazing."
"Actually? Build a man up, why don't you. You know, Hermione, this position is called sixty-nine for a reason."
"What? Oh, right, sorry, I guess my attention wandered a bit. Huh. This is kind of complicated - you're quite a bit taller than me, you know. It makes the lining up of my mouth and your bits a little awkward. I guess if I lean down more on my elbows?"
"The fact that you can talk so much while I'm attempting to blow your mind with a super-amazing orgasm is a little disheartening."
"Well, I guess you'll have to double your efforts."
"Well, even if you doubled your effort, I'd still be out of luck as two times nothing is still nothing."
"Testy boy. How about this?"
"Oh my god, that's so bloody unfair."
"Unfair? How?"
"That you could do that to me so fast. And with just your hands, too."
"Blame evolution. And what in the world is so funny?"
"You. Evolution. For some reason I don't think porn normally references Darwin."
"I wouldn't know. Unlike you, I've found other reasons to have a computer."
"Oh my god, can we please stop talking so much? I'm getting confused."
"Fine."
"Don't be mad."
"I'm not mad."
"You sure?"
"If I were mad, I wouldn't be in the mood to do this."
"FUCK ME THAT'S AMAZING YOUR MOUTH IS AMAZING."
"You're so easy."
"It isn't a competition, Hermione."
"You say that because I'm winning. My elbows are tired. I'm just going to lie on you."
"Fine. Now shush. I'm going to do stuff to you now."
"Ooooohhhhh… Mmmm… Unghhhh…"
"OW SHIT HERMIONE!"
"Oh my god, Harry, I'm so sorry! It just felt so good, what you were doing, and I guess I kind of lost track of where I was and what I was doing!"
"Fuck, Hermione, how would you like it if I bit you up here?"
"Hmph! My jaw might have tensed a little. I didn't bite you, for goodness sakes!"
"Only a woman would say that."
"Fine, fine! Hmm. How about… I lick it? And make it better? Why are you laughing?!"
"Oh my god, was that your sexy voice?"
"You're a fine one to talk, Mr. I-Get-Confused."
"Okay, okay. Back to work."
"Work?"
"You know what I mean."
"Ooohhhh… Mmmmm… Ahhhhh… AHHH."
"Hermione, oh fuck that's amazing, Keep doing that, please, unless I have a heart attack, then stop."
"Bloody hell, Harry. If you stop every time I get going, you'll be done in a minute. And I'll just be left here, lying on top of you, looking like some sort of deranged gynaecological patient."
"I don't understand what's wrong. This is supposed to be so hot! Everyone says so."
"Oh, for heaven's sake! This is ridiculous!"
"Hermione, don't go! We'll get the hang of it. Maybe if we turn on our sides?"
"I'm not going anywhere. But I'm getting frustrated, and not in a good, sexy, way, either. You're hard and I'm wet and I'm tired of this. I'm just going to climb on top of you and we're going to do it. All right?"
"God, you're so romantic. Buy me some flowers, first, why don't you."
"Just shut up and lie there."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Oh, god! This is what I needed… you feel so good in me."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."
"There's that pillow talk, again."
"Fuck, Hermione, I can't help it; you're so wet and - UNGH! - tight. And I love it when you're on top like that so I can just watch your tits sort of bounce."
"I thought you liked it more when I touched them. Like this."
"Fuck, I love you."
"Charming. No shut up while I ride you."
"Oh, god! Hermione!"
"Yes, yes, yeeesss…. Harry! Oh, Harry, oh god, my clit, rub it like I like it."
"So good, so, sooo good… Hermione!"
"Yes, Harry! Yessss! Oh god, Oh god, AAAAAAH HARRY Oh my god it's oh it's oh my god I'm going to come HARRY!"
"OH FUCKING GOD."
"That's it, darling. Let me feel you come inside me."
"OH FUCKING GOD HERMIONE!"
"Whew. I've got to catch my breath."
"Hermione, that…"
"Yes?"
"That was amazing. You're amazing."
"Oh, Harry. We're amazing together."
"Yeah. You're right, as usual. Who needs this sixty-nine nonsense, anyways?"
"Not us. I think that as long as we have the two of us, that that's the only number we really need."
"Why are you so clever?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
"Happily."
The End.