Hurt The Ones You Love - PG-13 - harry/draco
Title: Hurt The Ones You Love
Author: screaminglungs
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: Harry is a typical teenager, naiive, impetuous and madly in love with the wrong person. Flangst.
Warnings: OOCness
Word Count: 4625
Info: Beta read by kcstories a while a go. I don't really know if I like it. Its a bit all over the place and emotional, pretty much how I was feeling when I wrote it I suppose!
”Didn’t it ever occur to you, Potter, that maybe I’m simply not interested? You come all the way down here to give me silly little presents when I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks to leave me alone. I didn’t want you around but was too polite to say so.” Draco sneered. “It’s bad enough that you follow me around all the time as it is, but now you’re embarrassing yourself and me in front of my housemates! Did you actually think that after everything, we could really be friends, let alone anything else? The concept is absolutely laughable. I think you need a reality check, and I think you should stay away from me!”
For three days, Harry had been replaying those words over and over again in his mind, just wishing that he had reacted differently or said something, anything!
He had humiliated himself by baring his soul to someone who just didn’t care, someone he had built up in his head to be something he wasn’t.
He wished he had done more than stumble from the room and make a choking noise, but the vitriol in Draco’s normally pleasant drawl had left his stomach roiling so badly he thought he might be sick. He had been acutely reminded of the person Draco could be and it felt as if he had been kicked in the gut. So he had left as quickly as his legs would allow and the package he had been carrying had fallen to the stone dungeon floor with a smash.
Harry cringed as he sat in the library and desperately tried to get the sound of the other 7th year Slytherins’ mocking laughter out of his head.
Although Draco and himself had formed a strange friendship over the summer following Voldemort’s death, it was obvious now that everything Draco had said had been for naught. Harry had been stupid to believe that he could trust Malfoy.
Harry had returned Draco’s wand to him at the Manor; he had felt bad keeping it without needing to any longer; and now that Harry had been given the chance to really speak to Malfoy and get to know him, he found that he rather liked him.
They’d seen one another frequently over the summer, and spent a great deal of time studying alone together now that they were back at school.
He thought he had been reading the signs correctly and that Malfoy had begun to want him as much as he found he now wanted the blonde. They had talked about their sexuality numerous times since Harry had told Ginny there would be no hope for them any longer and it would be better if she moved on.
In fact, they had talked about everything from their favourite Quidditch teams to Harry’s parents. When Harry was with Malfoy he felt completely comfortable, like he could tell him anything.
At times Harry felt that Malfoy was the only person he could talk to. Malfoy had been the one to listen to him whine when Ron hadn’t talked to him for three days for hurting his baby sister; Malfoy was there when he couldn’t concentrate enough to study for potions because he wasn’t used to being back at school; Malfoy was the one who helped him find books about dreams when he was having nightmares that he didn’t know the meaning of. Malfoy had been there for so many changes over the past six months but maybe Harry had misinterpreted it all.
Things had been tense between them recently. He knew that much. They had kissed once and soon after, Draco had become distant and withdrawn.
Harry had asked him why on numerous occasions since, but Draco had refused to talk about it. Harry knew Draco hadn’t regretted the kiss at the time. It had been perfect, the kind of kiss that changed you, and Draco had pulled back and smiled at him with heavy lidded eyes and a sleepy smile. They had left one another happily that night but afterwards everything had gone downhill.
Their meetings had become less and less frequent and Draco had turned so quiet and unlike the boy he had got to know.
After a week of this, Harry had decided to take matters into his own hands. He had planned to be mature about it all and talk to the prat about his feelings. That brought him to Sunday evening.
He had visited Andromeda and Teddy during the previous weekend and on one of her bookshelves, he’d spied a picture of her and Narcissa when they were younger, just out of Hogwarts, and Draco’s mother looked gorgeous.
Harry had asked Andromeda if she had any more and it turned out that she had been a font of resources. Harry had left that evening with several photos of a young Narcissa Malfoy.
He had planned on giving one of them to Draco that night. He knew that since her death Draco missed his mother terribly and he hoped that the picture of her would be something meaningful Draco would appreciate; something that would prove to him that Harry meant what he was about to say; that he wanted him and that he wanted to make things work between them, not matter how hard this might turn out to be.
All of it had been shot to shit now.
Maybe Draco had just been playing with him, finding a way to get his revenge on the boy who lived to help tear his family apart. Maybe he had just been waiting for the perfect opportunity like Sunday evening in the Slytherin Common Room to finally humiliate him. Harry really didn’t know. All he did know was that he had been wrong about their friendship, about Malfoy. How could he have been so damned wrong?
Harry looked at the library clock and sighed heavily. It was almost seven o’clock. He felt his stomach insisting that he should eat something soon, but the fear of running into any of the Slytherins who had taunted him in the Great Hall kept him in his spot, hidden amongst the dustiest of the books.
Harry hadn’t been to a single meal since Sunday. He had avoided classes where he knew he would be forced to see Malfoy or to share the room with Slytherins and he had generally stayed out of everyone’s way. He knew this couldn’t carry on forever. He had already missed two potions classes and McGonagall had told him if he wasn’t in Transfiguration the next morning he could kiss goodbye to his NEWT. And that meant goodbye to Auror training, as well.
Harry also knew that Ron and Hermione were worried about him and if he didn’t do something soon, Ron was going to beat Malfoy into a bloody pulp on his behalf.
The biggest problem though wasn’t any of those things. The problem was that he wasn’t only humiliated, he also felt completely and utterly heartbroken. He had realised over the course of the last few weeks that he loved Malfoy. He looked forward to their nightly meetings in the room of requirement where they would study and talk or just sit comfortably in silence. Nothing brightened his day more than spying blonde hair across a room and just one smile from Draco would have him weak at the knees. There was nobody else he would rather laugh with or argue with. Malfoy didn’t put up with any of his self-deprecating shit and Harry felt like he mellowed Draco out a little. The worst part was the kiss. He went over the kiss as often as his brain would allow. The soft press of chapped lips and the taste of Malfoy under his tongue, sweet and bitter like the finest of Honeydukes’ dark chocolate, and the way Malfoy’s hair felt under his fingers, like spun silk. The thought that he had misinterpreted the little noise Malfoy had made at the back of his throat and that the kiss had meant nothing left him feeling breathless.
He felt like a fifteen-year-old girl with her first crush, except this was so much more embarrassing.
He had begun making stupid plans in his head! Plans for their future. He had hoped that he and Draco would find a place together once school was finished, some house that could be their own while Draco worked on his potions apprenticeship and Harry began Auror training. He knew he was being naive and impetuous but he couldn’t help it, he was only eighteen after all. He could picture it all so vividly; they would live in some quiet corner of London, they’d have a garden filled with flowers and there would be a fantastic local pub where they could spend weekends getting pissed before stumbling home and making love on their bed.
He had been a complete moron.
Another loud growl from his empty stomach had him on his feet; surely there would be nobody there now? He packed away his things and made his way out of the library. A few moments later he was about to enter the Great Hall when the large doors opened and he came face to face with Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass. He took a shuddering breath hoping to get past them just this once without some insult being thrown his way. He had no such luck.
“Oh. There you are, Potter. We thought you’d died. Lovesickness is a terrible thing!” Zabini drawled, making Daphne Greengrass practically fall over herself with laughter.
“Fuck off, Zabini!” Harry growled. He could feel the colour working its way up his neck.
“Aw, poor little Potter! I know it’s hard but I’m sure your pathetic little Gryffindor heart will get over it!” Greengrass added in that annoying simpering voice of hers. Zabini sneered at him over her shoulder.
Harry managed to push past the two of them, ignoring Greengrass’ insane cackles and Zabini’s barely concealed whispered “poof” because just then Draco was following them out of the Hall.
He hadn’t seen Harry yet. He was too busy shoving books into an over flowing satchel. His hair looked as wonderful as usual and even though his uniform looked a little unkempt, he still looked fabulous.
Harry felt something akin to loss make the pit in his stomach grow and he stood still watching the blonde approach him like a deer in wandlight. Draco would have walked right into him if Zabini hadn’t shouted: “Oi, Malfoy, aren’t you going to kiss your boyfriend hello?”
Draco looked up sharply and pinned Harry with those grey eyes, which were so icy and shuttered they made Harry’s breath hitch.
“Watch out, Potter! Don’t want you bumping into me now, do I? I could catch something!” Draco said snidely as he hefted his bag onto his shoulder and stepped away from Harry as if he were something disgusting.
“I…umm…” Harry stumbled backwards, his eyes wide behind his glasses, and suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore.
A part of him had hoped that seeing Draco again would prove that their falling-out had been a terrible mistake and soon things would go back to the way they were, but seeing the look of utter disgust on Draco’s face, Harry couldn’t help but feel like he had been punched in the stomach.
Everything was ruined. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t be around someone he loved and who obviously didn’t want anything to do with him. He could feel his hands shaking and his breath hitching and there was nothing he could do about it. It was only January. He couldn’t get through six months more of having Draco hate him for something he didn’t know he’d done. He couldn’t be haunted by the memory of a single kiss that wouldn’t be repeated. It all felt hopeless.
Harry continued stumbling away from a sneering Malfoy and before he realised, he came to a clattering halt in the arms of a steel suit or armour. He closed his eyes in sheer mortification and listened as the cackles and jibes lessened as the three Slytherins walked away.
He sighed heavily and tried to contain his breathing. He had endured bullying before for all manner of reasons, mostly from Malfoy, but now it felt different. He felt like a nervous wreck. Malfoy was the only one who had ever been able to make him this completely unhinged and Harry didn’t think he could carry on this way. He sighed raggedly, pushed himself away from the armour and made his way towards McGonagall’s office.
He whispered the password, acutely aware that people were coming towards him along the corridor as the new owl shaped statue slowly turned to reveal the staircase up to McGonagall’s office. He was on the first step just as Theodore Nott rounded the corner.
“Oi Potter!” Nott shouted after him as the staircase swirled him away to be hidden behind the owl.
Harry took a moment to collect his breathing before climbing the stairs.
An hour later Harry emerged from the staircase still feeling absolutely wretched but also somewhat like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
He was leaving. He knew he was being rash and probably incredibly stupid, but the way things stood right now, he couldn’t remain at Hogwarts.
Maybe it had been rash and incredibly stupid to think he could come back to school so soon after killing Voldemort, after losing so many people, but he had.
Maybe it had also been rash and stupid to become friends with Malfoy, but he’d done it regardless and now he didn’t think he could live with the consequences of his poor decision-making. He had been through too damned much this past year to have to deal with this as well, so he was choosing something he had never done before. He was choosing to bury his head in the sand and hide. Draco had helped him make sense of who he was after that dark period in both their lives and now he felt as if he couldn’t make sense of his thoughts and feelings again. Everything seemed to be spiralling out of control and he was on the verge of panic.
McGonagall would hopefully know how to help.
He stepped off of the bottom step and was about to make his way back to Gryffindor Tower when he suddenly sensed that he was not alone. He stood still and slowly pulled his wand from his pocket before turning and brandishing it on the person he was sure was hiding in the shadows.
Draco Malfoy stepped out of the dark and stood in front of an irate Harry Potter. Harry looked just as bad as he had earlier that evening he could tell he hadn’t been sleeping. He looked like he was barely standing.
“What do you want? To have another pop at the pathetic lovesick idiot?” Harry snarled and jabbed his wand in Draco’s direction as the blonde came closer.
“Harry, please…” Draco held up his hands to show he was unarmed, but Harry’s aim didn’t waver.
“Please don’t touch you in case I give you something?” Harry did the best impression of a Malfoy sneer he could muster.
“I’m sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it!” Draco said softly, he knew it looked bad but he had hoped Harry would understand.
“Whatever. Where are your friends? Are they not here to torment me too or are you just going to report back to them?”
Draco carried on coming towards him and Harry found himself panicking. Were there Slytherins waiting around the corner, ready to jump out and catch him confessing his undying love?
“No Potter,” Draco said, sounding almost desperate. “Don’t be a dolt. Listen to me!”
“Listen to you telling me that all the time we’ve spent together has been for nothing, about how embarrassing I am? No thanks, Malfoy. Leave me alone, will you?”
Harry turned on his heel and headed towards Gryffindor tower before he did something stupid like turn and beg Draco to tell him why he’d been acting the way he had, or worse, cry. He hadn’t slept for four nights in a row and he was coming to the end of his tether. He made it five steps before Draco grabbed his arm and forcibly turned Harry to face him.
“Don’t touch me!” Harry yanked his arm away from Draco’s grip. His breathing was coming in ragged pants. “I’m so repugnant, remember? Don’t you dare fucking touch me!”
Draco stepped back from Harry like he’d been slapped. “Harry, I’m sorry. I didn’t want my housemates to find out and give us a hard time, and then Zabini saw me leaving you after we’d kissed and he threatened to tell everyone and I didn’t know what to do! Then before I had a chance to set it all straight, you turned up with that amazing gift and…”
“Humiliated myself in front of your entire house…” Harry snarled and took a step back to distance himself from Draco.
“I didn’t mean what I said. I was just…”
Harry watched as Draco’s hands shook and he stumbled over the words. He reminded himself not to be taken in by it. Draco Malfoy had fooled him once before and he wouldn’t be duped again.
“Being your old self, you really oughtn’t apologise for it! I get it, Malfoy. Don’t worry. I wont keep bothering you. In fact, you’ll never have to be embarrassed by my presence again!” Harry smiled grimly and turned to walk away again.
“Harry!”
Harry ignored Draco and how anguished his voice sounded. He wouldn’t allow himself even a slither of hope. He carried on walking but the blonde wasn’t so easily dissuaded.
“Harry, what do you mean? Where are you going?” Draco ran around Harry and stood in his way, forcing him to stop walking.
Harry refused to look at Draco and tried to step around him, but to no avail.
“That information is privileged Malfoy, and reserved for people I consider to be my friends. You’re not one of those people.” Harry watched with confusion as Draco visibly winced and he seized the opportunity to step around him.
“Harry, please! It wasn’t the way it looked!” Draco whimpered as Harry walked away. “I’m sorry!”
Harry stopped for a moment and stared at him. “And I wish I cared enough to believe you. Goodbye, Malfoy.” He sighed wearily and carried on walking.
“Goodbye? Where are you going? We have to sort this out!” Draco was in his face again, almost hysterical.
“There’s nothing to sort out. You made that clear!” Harry felt the tears sting, felt the exhaustion catching up with him, and suddenly his voice was cracking and he couldn’t hide the raw pain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, alright?” Draco went on. “I am a stupid fucking idiot who’s sorry and I don’t handle stuff like this well! I’ve never felt like this before. I’m sorry. Please just answer my question!”
Draco was in tears too and all the rage and confusion Harry had been feeling bubbled up in him. “I’m leaving!” he snarled and grabbed Draco by the shoulders, shaking him harshly. Draco was shorter than Harry and as Harry seethed into his face and bent him backwards he looked smaller than Harry had ever seen him. “I hope you’re happy! You’ve finally driven me to leave the only place that ever felt like home! You’ve been trying for years and now you’ve done it! Congratulations, Malfoy! I’ll be gone by morning and you’ll never have to see me again!” Harry gripped Draco’s shoulders tightly and shoved him against the nearest wall before quickly turning away; he couldn’t bear to look at him any longer.
Draco hit the wall with a sickening crack and an anguished cry. Harry spun on his heel and stood staring as the smaller boy sunk to the floor in obvious pain. All the hurt and rage he had been feeling left him in an instant and suddenly he was on the floor in front of him.
“Draco…” Harry moved to touch the injured arm and Draco winced, clearly frightened. Harry felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been poured over his head and he staggered backwards until he lay slumped staring at the man he claimed to love. He had hurt Draco, done something completely unforgivable. This was a hundred times worse that what Draco had done. Draco lay there silently crying for several moments before he spoke.
“I suppose this is what I deserve. I’m so sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean any of it. I was scared and Zabini was threatening to tell my father,” Draco whimpered, “and I’m in love with you but I don’t even know what that means.”
Obviously neither did Harry. He stared at the damage he had done. He had turned into someone he despised, someone who couldn’t articulate his feelings so instead he lashed out and hurt the people he claimed to loved. He knew Draco was trying to apologise but he wouldn’t listen. He was a monster, just a mindless thug the likes of which he had always looked down on.
“Oh God. Draco, we have to get you to the hospital wing.” Harry crawled across the floor to Draco, who didn’t protest when he slung his good arm over his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. Harry hauled him to his feet and together they staggered in silence towards the hospital wing.
As soon as they walked through the door Pomfrey was all over them. She helped Draco into a bed and immediately ran her wand over him.
“You two will never learn! I haven’t had a pair so intent on killing one another in decades! How did this happen, Potter?” She bustled around them and shoved a pain potion into Draco’s good hand while she examined his damaged shoulder.
“We got into a fight. I pushed him against the wall. It’s all my fault. I did it,” Harry choked out, his voice hoarse and ragged. Pomfrey looked at his tear stained face and dishevelled appearance.
“Come on now, Potter, no use in crying over it, boys will be boys and all that, but don’t think it hasn’t gone unnoticed! I’ll be speaking to your head of house in the morning!” Her shrill voice washed over him but all Harry could focus on was Draco, who was staring at him with moist eyes. Something passed between them and Draco’s eyes widened with understanding.
Harry wouldn’t be there, come morning.
“I understand,” Harry whispered.
“Right then, off you go. You may be a seventh year but you’ve still got a curfew, back to Gryffindor tower!” Pomfrey ordered as she turned back to Draco.
“Yes, alright. I really am so, so sorry.” Harry’s voice cracked, and Draco knew he was no longer speaking to Pomfrey.
It didn’t take Harry long to pack. He had always travelled light and he hadn’t had much time to unpack since they had arrived back after Christmas. His activities had gone completely unnoticed by his fellow Gryffindors. One of the best things about coming back for your seventh year after killing a Dark Lord was that you were given the privilege of a private room, so there were no roommates to interfere as he shrank his trunk and slipped it into his pocket. The important things he shoved into a backpack, which he strapped onto his back. Finally he donned his invisibility cloak and left his room.
He would write to Hermione and Ron tomorrow from Grimmauld Place. They would understand, and if he asked Ron to leave Draco alone then it would be fine. Enough damage had been done already.
He made it out of the portrait hole, letting it close behind him. He breathed in deeply and was about to take his first step when he heard a gasped intake of breath.
“Harry? I know you’re there.” Draco stood next to the portrait. His injured arm was in a sling and his eyes were tired and bloodshot.
Harry let the cloak slip away and they stood staring at each other.
“I thought… your arm…” Harry’s voice cracked.
“I’ll be fine. Pomfrey fixed me up in no time. It’s fine, see?” Draco moved his shoulder and only winced a little.
“No, Draco, you’re not!”
“I’m fine! It’s fine!” Draco tried to smile but it looked paper thin.
“It’s not fucking fine. I did that to you!” Harry said sadly.
“I know! I just can’t let you leave without sorting this out. We’ve both done stupid things, Harry, but I love you and I know you would never intentionally hurt me, not like I’ve hurt you. I know you didn’t mean this and…”
“There is no excuse!”
“Harry, please. I want to make this right. I’m so sorry! You can’t leave!”
“Why? So I can stay and hide our relationship until the next time I get angry and hurt you again?”
“No, Harry! You wouldn’t!” Draco cried and moved forward until they were only inches apart.
Harry could smell him. He loved the smell of Draco. He looked into Draco’s fathomless grey eyes and wished he could make this alright. He would have given anything to wrap his arms around him and take him back to his room and go to sleep with Draco in his arms but everything felt so broken.
“How do you know?” Harry sighed wearily.
“Because I know you. I know you better than anyone. Why do you think I could hurt you so easily?” Draco laughed mirthlessly.
“But what if…”
“What if nothing! I can’t let this slip through my fingers. These last few days have been torture and I can’t believe what a complete idiot I’ve been! Please, Harry, just take me upstairs and promise me you’ll try! I know it’s been hard, but I will do anything to make us work!”
It was that which made Harry crack. Those had been his own thoughts that night when he’d gone to Draco intending to win him over. He would have done anything too, so who was he to deny Draco now when he was standing there promising him the world if only they could just go upstairs and try? With a shaky breath he stepped forward and ghosted his fingers over Draco’s shoulder.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Harry whispered.
Draco nodded furiously and ran his hand up Harry’s arm and into his hair. He tugged lightly and their eyes met. Draco pulled Harry into a soul-scorching kiss. They drank one another in and it felt at one point that Draco was trying to climb inside him.
Harry wrapped both his arms around the blonde and held him tightly. As he pulled back he rubbed his nose against Draco’s and sighed raggedly. “I’m so sorry,” Harry whispered and was a little shocked to see Draco smile.
“No more of that, okay? Let’s go upstairs and get into bed and start tomorrow afresh, alright?” Draco smiled tiredly and together they huddled under Harry’s cloak before making their way upstairs into Harry’s room.
As Harry helped Draco slip his shirt from his shoulders, he knew this would not be the last time they fought. He knew it would not be the last time things were rough, but it was the first time he truly felt like things were going to be okay for him and that slither of hope blossomed inside of him and squashed the darkness that was a dead weight in his stomach. He kissed Draco’s bruised skin as it was exposed inch by inch, and together then went about showing each other just how sorry they were.
Author: screaminglungs
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: Harry is a typical teenager, naiive, impetuous and madly in love with the wrong person. Flangst.
Warnings: OOCness
Word Count: 4625
Info: Beta read by kcstories a while a go. I don't really know if I like it. Its a bit all over the place and emotional, pretty much how I was feeling when I wrote it I suppose!
”Didn’t it ever occur to you, Potter, that maybe I’m simply not interested? You come all the way down here to give me silly little presents when I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks to leave me alone. I didn’t want you around but was too polite to say so.” Draco sneered. “It’s bad enough that you follow me around all the time as it is, but now you’re embarrassing yourself and me in front of my housemates! Did you actually think that after everything, we could really be friends, let alone anything else? The concept is absolutely laughable. I think you need a reality check, and I think you should stay away from me!”
For three days, Harry had been replaying those words over and over again in his mind, just wishing that he had reacted differently or said something, anything!
He had humiliated himself by baring his soul to someone who just didn’t care, someone he had built up in his head to be something he wasn’t.
He wished he had done more than stumble from the room and make a choking noise, but the vitriol in Draco’s normally pleasant drawl had left his stomach roiling so badly he thought he might be sick. He had been acutely reminded of the person Draco could be and it felt as if he had been kicked in the gut. So he had left as quickly as his legs would allow and the package he had been carrying had fallen to the stone dungeon floor with a smash.
Harry cringed as he sat in the library and desperately tried to get the sound of the other 7th year Slytherins’ mocking laughter out of his head.
Although Draco and himself had formed a strange friendship over the summer following Voldemort’s death, it was obvious now that everything Draco had said had been for naught. Harry had been stupid to believe that he could trust Malfoy.
Harry had returned Draco’s wand to him at the Manor; he had felt bad keeping it without needing to any longer; and now that Harry had been given the chance to really speak to Malfoy and get to know him, he found that he rather liked him.
They’d seen one another frequently over the summer, and spent a great deal of time studying alone together now that they were back at school.
He thought he had been reading the signs correctly and that Malfoy had begun to want him as much as he found he now wanted the blonde. They had talked about their sexuality numerous times since Harry had told Ginny there would be no hope for them any longer and it would be better if she moved on.
In fact, they had talked about everything from their favourite Quidditch teams to Harry’s parents. When Harry was with Malfoy he felt completely comfortable, like he could tell him anything.
At times Harry felt that Malfoy was the only person he could talk to. Malfoy had been the one to listen to him whine when Ron hadn’t talked to him for three days for hurting his baby sister; Malfoy was there when he couldn’t concentrate enough to study for potions because he wasn’t used to being back at school; Malfoy was the one who helped him find books about dreams when he was having nightmares that he didn’t know the meaning of. Malfoy had been there for so many changes over the past six months but maybe Harry had misinterpreted it all.
Things had been tense between them recently. He knew that much. They had kissed once and soon after, Draco had become distant and withdrawn.
Harry had asked him why on numerous occasions since, but Draco had refused to talk about it. Harry knew Draco hadn’t regretted the kiss at the time. It had been perfect, the kind of kiss that changed you, and Draco had pulled back and smiled at him with heavy lidded eyes and a sleepy smile. They had left one another happily that night but afterwards everything had gone downhill.
Their meetings had become less and less frequent and Draco had turned so quiet and unlike the boy he had got to know.
After a week of this, Harry had decided to take matters into his own hands. He had planned to be mature about it all and talk to the prat about his feelings. That brought him to Sunday evening.
He had visited Andromeda and Teddy during the previous weekend and on one of her bookshelves, he’d spied a picture of her and Narcissa when they were younger, just out of Hogwarts, and Draco’s mother looked gorgeous.
Harry had asked Andromeda if she had any more and it turned out that she had been a font of resources. Harry had left that evening with several photos of a young Narcissa Malfoy.
He had planned on giving one of them to Draco that night. He knew that since her death Draco missed his mother terribly and he hoped that the picture of her would be something meaningful Draco would appreciate; something that would prove to him that Harry meant what he was about to say; that he wanted him and that he wanted to make things work between them, not matter how hard this might turn out to be.
All of it had been shot to shit now.
Maybe Draco had just been playing with him, finding a way to get his revenge on the boy who lived to help tear his family apart. Maybe he had just been waiting for the perfect opportunity like Sunday evening in the Slytherin Common Room to finally humiliate him. Harry really didn’t know. All he did know was that he had been wrong about their friendship, about Malfoy. How could he have been so damned wrong?
Harry looked at the library clock and sighed heavily. It was almost seven o’clock. He felt his stomach insisting that he should eat something soon, but the fear of running into any of the Slytherins who had taunted him in the Great Hall kept him in his spot, hidden amongst the dustiest of the books.
Harry hadn’t been to a single meal since Sunday. He had avoided classes where he knew he would be forced to see Malfoy or to share the room with Slytherins and he had generally stayed out of everyone’s way. He knew this couldn’t carry on forever. He had already missed two potions classes and McGonagall had told him if he wasn’t in Transfiguration the next morning he could kiss goodbye to his NEWT. And that meant goodbye to Auror training, as well.
Harry also knew that Ron and Hermione were worried about him and if he didn’t do something soon, Ron was going to beat Malfoy into a bloody pulp on his behalf.
The biggest problem though wasn’t any of those things. The problem was that he wasn’t only humiliated, he also felt completely and utterly heartbroken. He had realised over the course of the last few weeks that he loved Malfoy. He looked forward to their nightly meetings in the room of requirement where they would study and talk or just sit comfortably in silence. Nothing brightened his day more than spying blonde hair across a room and just one smile from Draco would have him weak at the knees. There was nobody else he would rather laugh with or argue with. Malfoy didn’t put up with any of his self-deprecating shit and Harry felt like he mellowed Draco out a little. The worst part was the kiss. He went over the kiss as often as his brain would allow. The soft press of chapped lips and the taste of Malfoy under his tongue, sweet and bitter like the finest of Honeydukes’ dark chocolate, and the way Malfoy’s hair felt under his fingers, like spun silk. The thought that he had misinterpreted the little noise Malfoy had made at the back of his throat and that the kiss had meant nothing left him feeling breathless.
He felt like a fifteen-year-old girl with her first crush, except this was so much more embarrassing.
He had begun making stupid plans in his head! Plans for their future. He had hoped that he and Draco would find a place together once school was finished, some house that could be their own while Draco worked on his potions apprenticeship and Harry began Auror training. He knew he was being naive and impetuous but he couldn’t help it, he was only eighteen after all. He could picture it all so vividly; they would live in some quiet corner of London, they’d have a garden filled with flowers and there would be a fantastic local pub where they could spend weekends getting pissed before stumbling home and making love on their bed.
He had been a complete moron.
Another loud growl from his empty stomach had him on his feet; surely there would be nobody there now? He packed away his things and made his way out of the library. A few moments later he was about to enter the Great Hall when the large doors opened and he came face to face with Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass. He took a shuddering breath hoping to get past them just this once without some insult being thrown his way. He had no such luck.
“Oh. There you are, Potter. We thought you’d died. Lovesickness is a terrible thing!” Zabini drawled, making Daphne Greengrass practically fall over herself with laughter.
“Fuck off, Zabini!” Harry growled. He could feel the colour working its way up his neck.
“Aw, poor little Potter! I know it’s hard but I’m sure your pathetic little Gryffindor heart will get over it!” Greengrass added in that annoying simpering voice of hers. Zabini sneered at him over her shoulder.
Harry managed to push past the two of them, ignoring Greengrass’ insane cackles and Zabini’s barely concealed whispered “poof” because just then Draco was following them out of the Hall.
He hadn’t seen Harry yet. He was too busy shoving books into an over flowing satchel. His hair looked as wonderful as usual and even though his uniform looked a little unkempt, he still looked fabulous.
Harry felt something akin to loss make the pit in his stomach grow and he stood still watching the blonde approach him like a deer in wandlight. Draco would have walked right into him if Zabini hadn’t shouted: “Oi, Malfoy, aren’t you going to kiss your boyfriend hello?”
Draco looked up sharply and pinned Harry with those grey eyes, which were so icy and shuttered they made Harry’s breath hitch.
“Watch out, Potter! Don’t want you bumping into me now, do I? I could catch something!” Draco said snidely as he hefted his bag onto his shoulder and stepped away from Harry as if he were something disgusting.
“I…umm…” Harry stumbled backwards, his eyes wide behind his glasses, and suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore.
A part of him had hoped that seeing Draco again would prove that their falling-out had been a terrible mistake and soon things would go back to the way they were, but seeing the look of utter disgust on Draco’s face, Harry couldn’t help but feel like he had been punched in the stomach.
Everything was ruined. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t be around someone he loved and who obviously didn’t want anything to do with him. He could feel his hands shaking and his breath hitching and there was nothing he could do about it. It was only January. He couldn’t get through six months more of having Draco hate him for something he didn’t know he’d done. He couldn’t be haunted by the memory of a single kiss that wouldn’t be repeated. It all felt hopeless.
Harry continued stumbling away from a sneering Malfoy and before he realised, he came to a clattering halt in the arms of a steel suit or armour. He closed his eyes in sheer mortification and listened as the cackles and jibes lessened as the three Slytherins walked away.
He sighed heavily and tried to contain his breathing. He had endured bullying before for all manner of reasons, mostly from Malfoy, but now it felt different. He felt like a nervous wreck. Malfoy was the only one who had ever been able to make him this completely unhinged and Harry didn’t think he could carry on this way. He sighed raggedly, pushed himself away from the armour and made his way towards McGonagall’s office.
He whispered the password, acutely aware that people were coming towards him along the corridor as the new owl shaped statue slowly turned to reveal the staircase up to McGonagall’s office. He was on the first step just as Theodore Nott rounded the corner.
“Oi Potter!” Nott shouted after him as the staircase swirled him away to be hidden behind the owl.
Harry took a moment to collect his breathing before climbing the stairs.
An hour later Harry emerged from the staircase still feeling absolutely wretched but also somewhat like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
He was leaving. He knew he was being rash and probably incredibly stupid, but the way things stood right now, he couldn’t remain at Hogwarts.
Maybe it had been rash and incredibly stupid to think he could come back to school so soon after killing Voldemort, after losing so many people, but he had.
Maybe it had also been rash and stupid to become friends with Malfoy, but he’d done it regardless and now he didn’t think he could live with the consequences of his poor decision-making. He had been through too damned much this past year to have to deal with this as well, so he was choosing something he had never done before. He was choosing to bury his head in the sand and hide. Draco had helped him make sense of who he was after that dark period in both their lives and now he felt as if he couldn’t make sense of his thoughts and feelings again. Everything seemed to be spiralling out of control and he was on the verge of panic.
McGonagall would hopefully know how to help.
He stepped off of the bottom step and was about to make his way back to Gryffindor Tower when he suddenly sensed that he was not alone. He stood still and slowly pulled his wand from his pocket before turning and brandishing it on the person he was sure was hiding in the shadows.
Draco Malfoy stepped out of the dark and stood in front of an irate Harry Potter. Harry looked just as bad as he had earlier that evening he could tell he hadn’t been sleeping. He looked like he was barely standing.
“What do you want? To have another pop at the pathetic lovesick idiot?” Harry snarled and jabbed his wand in Draco’s direction as the blonde came closer.
“Harry, please…” Draco held up his hands to show he was unarmed, but Harry’s aim didn’t waver.
“Please don’t touch you in case I give you something?” Harry did the best impression of a Malfoy sneer he could muster.
“I’m sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it!” Draco said softly, he knew it looked bad but he had hoped Harry would understand.
“Whatever. Where are your friends? Are they not here to torment me too or are you just going to report back to them?”
Draco carried on coming towards him and Harry found himself panicking. Were there Slytherins waiting around the corner, ready to jump out and catch him confessing his undying love?
“No Potter,” Draco said, sounding almost desperate. “Don’t be a dolt. Listen to me!”
“Listen to you telling me that all the time we’ve spent together has been for nothing, about how embarrassing I am? No thanks, Malfoy. Leave me alone, will you?”
Harry turned on his heel and headed towards Gryffindor tower before he did something stupid like turn and beg Draco to tell him why he’d been acting the way he had, or worse, cry. He hadn’t slept for four nights in a row and he was coming to the end of his tether. He made it five steps before Draco grabbed his arm and forcibly turned Harry to face him.
“Don’t touch me!” Harry yanked his arm away from Draco’s grip. His breathing was coming in ragged pants. “I’m so repugnant, remember? Don’t you dare fucking touch me!”
Draco stepped back from Harry like he’d been slapped. “Harry, I’m sorry. I didn’t want my housemates to find out and give us a hard time, and then Zabini saw me leaving you after we’d kissed and he threatened to tell everyone and I didn’t know what to do! Then before I had a chance to set it all straight, you turned up with that amazing gift and…”
“Humiliated myself in front of your entire house…” Harry snarled and took a step back to distance himself from Draco.
“I didn’t mean what I said. I was just…”
Harry watched as Draco’s hands shook and he stumbled over the words. He reminded himself not to be taken in by it. Draco Malfoy had fooled him once before and he wouldn’t be duped again.
“Being your old self, you really oughtn’t apologise for it! I get it, Malfoy. Don’t worry. I wont keep bothering you. In fact, you’ll never have to be embarrassed by my presence again!” Harry smiled grimly and turned to walk away again.
“Harry!”
Harry ignored Draco and how anguished his voice sounded. He wouldn’t allow himself even a slither of hope. He carried on walking but the blonde wasn’t so easily dissuaded.
“Harry, what do you mean? Where are you going?” Draco ran around Harry and stood in his way, forcing him to stop walking.
Harry refused to look at Draco and tried to step around him, but to no avail.
“That information is privileged Malfoy, and reserved for people I consider to be my friends. You’re not one of those people.” Harry watched with confusion as Draco visibly winced and he seized the opportunity to step around him.
“Harry, please! It wasn’t the way it looked!” Draco whimpered as Harry walked away. “I’m sorry!”
Harry stopped for a moment and stared at him. “And I wish I cared enough to believe you. Goodbye, Malfoy.” He sighed wearily and carried on walking.
“Goodbye? Where are you going? We have to sort this out!” Draco was in his face again, almost hysterical.
“There’s nothing to sort out. You made that clear!” Harry felt the tears sting, felt the exhaustion catching up with him, and suddenly his voice was cracking and he couldn’t hide the raw pain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, alright?” Draco went on. “I am a stupid fucking idiot who’s sorry and I don’t handle stuff like this well! I’ve never felt like this before. I’m sorry. Please just answer my question!”
Draco was in tears too and all the rage and confusion Harry had been feeling bubbled up in him. “I’m leaving!” he snarled and grabbed Draco by the shoulders, shaking him harshly. Draco was shorter than Harry and as Harry seethed into his face and bent him backwards he looked smaller than Harry had ever seen him. “I hope you’re happy! You’ve finally driven me to leave the only place that ever felt like home! You’ve been trying for years and now you’ve done it! Congratulations, Malfoy! I’ll be gone by morning and you’ll never have to see me again!” Harry gripped Draco’s shoulders tightly and shoved him against the nearest wall before quickly turning away; he couldn’t bear to look at him any longer.
Draco hit the wall with a sickening crack and an anguished cry. Harry spun on his heel and stood staring as the smaller boy sunk to the floor in obvious pain. All the hurt and rage he had been feeling left him in an instant and suddenly he was on the floor in front of him.
“Draco…” Harry moved to touch the injured arm and Draco winced, clearly frightened. Harry felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been poured over his head and he staggered backwards until he lay slumped staring at the man he claimed to love. He had hurt Draco, done something completely unforgivable. This was a hundred times worse that what Draco had done. Draco lay there silently crying for several moments before he spoke.
“I suppose this is what I deserve. I’m so sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean any of it. I was scared and Zabini was threatening to tell my father,” Draco whimpered, “and I’m in love with you but I don’t even know what that means.”
Obviously neither did Harry. He stared at the damage he had done. He had turned into someone he despised, someone who couldn’t articulate his feelings so instead he lashed out and hurt the people he claimed to loved. He knew Draco was trying to apologise but he wouldn’t listen. He was a monster, just a mindless thug the likes of which he had always looked down on.
“Oh God. Draco, we have to get you to the hospital wing.” Harry crawled across the floor to Draco, who didn’t protest when he slung his good arm over his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. Harry hauled him to his feet and together they staggered in silence towards the hospital wing.
As soon as they walked through the door Pomfrey was all over them. She helped Draco into a bed and immediately ran her wand over him.
“You two will never learn! I haven’t had a pair so intent on killing one another in decades! How did this happen, Potter?” She bustled around them and shoved a pain potion into Draco’s good hand while she examined his damaged shoulder.
“We got into a fight. I pushed him against the wall. It’s all my fault. I did it,” Harry choked out, his voice hoarse and ragged. Pomfrey looked at his tear stained face and dishevelled appearance.
“Come on now, Potter, no use in crying over it, boys will be boys and all that, but don’t think it hasn’t gone unnoticed! I’ll be speaking to your head of house in the morning!” Her shrill voice washed over him but all Harry could focus on was Draco, who was staring at him with moist eyes. Something passed between them and Draco’s eyes widened with understanding.
Harry wouldn’t be there, come morning.
“I understand,” Harry whispered.
“Right then, off you go. You may be a seventh year but you’ve still got a curfew, back to Gryffindor tower!” Pomfrey ordered as she turned back to Draco.
“Yes, alright. I really am so, so sorry.” Harry’s voice cracked, and Draco knew he was no longer speaking to Pomfrey.
It didn’t take Harry long to pack. He had always travelled light and he hadn’t had much time to unpack since they had arrived back after Christmas. His activities had gone completely unnoticed by his fellow Gryffindors. One of the best things about coming back for your seventh year after killing a Dark Lord was that you were given the privilege of a private room, so there were no roommates to interfere as he shrank his trunk and slipped it into his pocket. The important things he shoved into a backpack, which he strapped onto his back. Finally he donned his invisibility cloak and left his room.
He would write to Hermione and Ron tomorrow from Grimmauld Place. They would understand, and if he asked Ron to leave Draco alone then it would be fine. Enough damage had been done already.
He made it out of the portrait hole, letting it close behind him. He breathed in deeply and was about to take his first step when he heard a gasped intake of breath.
“Harry? I know you’re there.” Draco stood next to the portrait. His injured arm was in a sling and his eyes were tired and bloodshot.
Harry let the cloak slip away and they stood staring at each other.
“I thought… your arm…” Harry’s voice cracked.
“I’ll be fine. Pomfrey fixed me up in no time. It’s fine, see?” Draco moved his shoulder and only winced a little.
“No, Draco, you’re not!”
“I’m fine! It’s fine!” Draco tried to smile but it looked paper thin.
“It’s not fucking fine. I did that to you!” Harry said sadly.
“I know! I just can’t let you leave without sorting this out. We’ve both done stupid things, Harry, but I love you and I know you would never intentionally hurt me, not like I’ve hurt you. I know you didn’t mean this and…”
“There is no excuse!”
“Harry, please. I want to make this right. I’m so sorry! You can’t leave!”
“Why? So I can stay and hide our relationship until the next time I get angry and hurt you again?”
“No, Harry! You wouldn’t!” Draco cried and moved forward until they were only inches apart.
Harry could smell him. He loved the smell of Draco. He looked into Draco’s fathomless grey eyes and wished he could make this alright. He would have given anything to wrap his arms around him and take him back to his room and go to sleep with Draco in his arms but everything felt so broken.
“How do you know?” Harry sighed wearily.
“Because I know you. I know you better than anyone. Why do you think I could hurt you so easily?” Draco laughed mirthlessly.
“But what if…”
“What if nothing! I can’t let this slip through my fingers. These last few days have been torture and I can’t believe what a complete idiot I’ve been! Please, Harry, just take me upstairs and promise me you’ll try! I know it’s been hard, but I will do anything to make us work!”
It was that which made Harry crack. Those had been his own thoughts that night when he’d gone to Draco intending to win him over. He would have done anything too, so who was he to deny Draco now when he was standing there promising him the world if only they could just go upstairs and try? With a shaky breath he stepped forward and ghosted his fingers over Draco’s shoulder.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Harry whispered.
Draco nodded furiously and ran his hand up Harry’s arm and into his hair. He tugged lightly and their eyes met. Draco pulled Harry into a soul-scorching kiss. They drank one another in and it felt at one point that Draco was trying to climb inside him.
Harry wrapped both his arms around the blonde and held him tightly. As he pulled back he rubbed his nose against Draco’s and sighed raggedly. “I’m so sorry,” Harry whispered and was a little shocked to see Draco smile.
“No more of that, okay? Let’s go upstairs and get into bed and start tomorrow afresh, alright?” Draco smiled tiredly and together they huddled under Harry’s cloak before making their way upstairs into Harry’s room.
As Harry helped Draco slip his shirt from his shoulders, he knew this would not be the last time they fought. He knew it would not be the last time things were rough, but it was the first time he truly felt like things were going to be okay for him and that slither of hope blossomed inside of him and squashed the darkness that was a dead weight in his stomach. He kissed Draco’s bruised skin as it was exposed inch by inch, and together then went about showing each other just how sorry they were.