Title: Starting Over (3/13)
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: NC-17.
Word Count: 2,830
Logan hated hospitals. He always had for as long as he could remember. They were cold and impersonal and filled with people who wanted to get into your head in ways that weren't welcome. It was in the generic, distant walls of the corridor that Logan couldn't help, but condemn himself again and again for bring him and Scott to this place to begin with. Logan's thoughts returned to their time together at the hotel, to their making love and then…
The blood. Scott's blood. It haunted him, plagued his mind and served as a reminder of how dangerous Logan truly was. For far too long Logan had ignored what he was. Hell, with Scott he'd thought that he'd come to terms with it, but now he knew that there was no escaping it. He'd been trained to be a monster, created for destruction-the ultimate weapon and yet within his hands he had carried the tool to Scott's undoing. It could've been bad, but when Scott's blood still stained the front of the shirt Logan had haphazardly tossed on, Logan was starting to think it couldn't be much worse.
Tipping his head up, Logan spotted the doctor that had agreed to work on Scott upon their arrival walking out and pulling Logan from his loathing. Immediately he rushed over to her, trying to decipher what was happening, but it was hard to read her. She appeared to be stoic and unyielding in her approach much like most of the doctors Logan had encountered in the past. For the most part they lacked emotions or any kind of human feeling, which Logan could relate to, but right now with worry overtaking his senses he needed something more. He needed to know that Summers was alright.
"How is he?" Logan questioned in a desperate breath, his eyes focusing on the petite woman before him. "Is he…?"
"He lost a lot of blood," the doctor explained in a professional, business as usual tone, "but fortunately we were able to put a stop to it."
"Thank God," Logan let out a breath he hadn't been aware he'd been holding, "so then he's going to be alright?"
"A few centimeters higher and it would've been a much different outcome given that the blade he encountered was rather extensive with the damages," she continued in a clinical tone. "He's very lucky you were there to help him when you were."
"Lucky," Logan repeated thinking about just how far from the truth that word was for him. Yes, he and Scott had started things off right in reconnecting, but in making love to Scott in such a careless fashion Logan had lost control. He'd done the one thing he'd sworn he wouldn't and Scott was paying the price for it. Scott could've died if Logan had done things slightly different.
"He's sedated," the doctor explained clearly oblivious to Logan's thoughts, "but he's going to be just fine. We were able to stabilize him with the blood loss and stitch him up. The extent of the nerve damage isn't certain yet, but…"
"Nerve damage?" Logan snapped out of his daze to look at the doctor incredulously. "What nerve damage?"
"At this point we don't know what we'll be dealing with, but given the severity of the injury to his hand it may take him a while to regain full control of it. Perhaps with therapy and…" the doctor's words were lost on Logan now that guilt plagued him. Somehow in loving Scott completely, Logan had hurt him again. It was an endless cycle for them, but now it almost cost Scott his life.
"If you'd like to wait for a while, I'm sure we can get you in to see him soon," the doctor suggested as Logan shrugged.
"I'll be back," Logan grumbled under his breath, doing his best to shuffle out of the hospital before the walls closed in on him completely. It was bad enough that Logan had sought Scott out selfishly to take him away from the life Scott had made for himself after his powers had faded, but to make matters worse Logan had almost killed Scott.
"You just got him back into your life and this is what you do," Logan heard the nagging voice of conscience he'd kept repressed for so many years tugging at his thoughts. There was no denying how miserable Logan had been without Scott, yet in his eagerness, Logan had damn near taken Scott's life from him for real. The very thought brought a shudder over Logan as he made his way out the hospital front doors heading directly to the bar he'd seen on the way in. It wasn't necessarily where he wanted to be, but it was what he deserved.
Logan needed to drink and think about things. He needed to weigh out his options and decide what was best for him-for Scott. He couldn't rely on his primitive instincts alone considering that he'd lost control of them every time he was with Summers. There was no logic or reason just longing and desire. Scott surrounded him in ways that Logan was entirely unprepared for. It was the last thing Logan had anticipated having in the lonely path he'd set out for himself, but it was something that Logan knew he could never forget. Signaling the bartender to bring him a drink, Logan closed his eyes and thought back to the days before Phoenix had torn Scott away from Logan to begin with.
"Scott wake up," Logan had nudged Scott, poking at Scott's bare chest once the whimpers had risen in Scott's slumber to a torturous howl. Scott was trapped inside a nightmare, haunted by something he hadn't spoken of, but Logan could feel the disruption it had upon their lives. "Scott!"
"No!" Scott sprang up into a seated position on the center of Logan's bed, his protective glasses nearly falling off his face with the lightening quick movement. His fists were balled up, his perspiration soaked body tight with tension and fear. It was the most intense scent in the air when Logan reached out to touch Scott's shoulder in the hopes of pulling him out from the waking nightmare.
"Scott it's me. It's Logan," Logan had explained firmly, doing his best to keep his voice calm and controlled when Scott flinched beside him. The movement caused Scott to recoil, sending the glasses across the floor in a thunderous fashion. Immediately Scott wailed loudly, closing his eyes tightly and turning away from Logan. Balling up in a fetal position beside Logan, Scott returned to sobs haunted by his subconscious in ways Logan couldn't quite understand.
"Hey," Logan whispered tentatively leaning forward to drape his arm around Scott's bare torso. Scott stiffened momentarily, but soon sank back into Logan's warm, muscular chest with a soft cry. Beneath the blanket, Logan's hand pressed over Scott's thigh in a smooth, soothing motion while Scott's fears seemed to melt away.
"You're safe now," Logan promised kissing the back of Scott's shoulder when Scott appeared to return to where they were with one another.
"I know," Scott managed to get out, his voice raw and cracked after the nightmare had consumed him. Although Scott hadn't told Logan what the source of it was, Logan had suspected it was about Jean-that it had been about the survivor's guilt Scott had felt about moving on in his life. Yes, Logan and Scott had been flirting with attraction long before Jean 'died', but it wasn't until her death that the two men sought out physical comfort in one another. It was seemingly unexpected for Scott, not so much for Logan, but when it began to blossom the level of ease at which their relationship had grown seemed to prove exactly what they'd both been missing in their lives.
Wrapping his arms more completely around Scott, Logan couldn't help, but whisper teasingly in Scott's ear, hoping to make light of the situation, "I realize that waking up in my bed is a bit of an adjustment for you Summers, but it can't be all that bad."
Scott replied with the beginnings of a smile. Logan couldn't see it, but he could sense it in the way that Scott's perfectly sculpted cheekbones began to rise at the side of his face. He could feel it in the way Scott's fingers laced in Logan's bringing their hands together fully.
"It's never been better," Scott breathed shifting in Logan's arms. Scott had rolled onto his back, keeping his eyes shut tightly in order to protect Logan from the red blasts that could've torn Logan to pieces. Reaching out Logan touched the side of Scott's face silently wondering what it would've been like to see Scott's eyes-to reach into his soul with a glimpse and discover just what it was that was haunting Scott. Logan had envied Jean's ability to do just that with Scott in the past. It was the one thing that Logan knew Scott loathed with his former lover when Scott had felt his thoughts had been no longer his own, but in Scott's nocturnal madness, Logan had wished he could change things for him. If only…
"This feels so right," Scott reached out through the darkness, seeking out Logan's shoulder. He curled his fingers around Logan's chiseled body, sliding his hand over the front of Logan's bare chest before Logan fell back into the blankets. Logan pulled Scott in over him, cradling the smaller man against his chest protectively.
"That's because it is right," Logan mouthed approvingly. Kissing the top of Scott's head Logan had to admit that he'd never felt so protective before, so at ease and so…dare he say it much less think it? So in love. While the notion was crazy to think that Logan would've found himself wrapped up in the stuffed shirt that had annoyed him from day one, Logan knew full well that his lust for Summers had only brushed the surface of what his heart was saying to him. Cyclops in all of his complaining, all of his protests, in all of his prissy prim and proper quirks had done the impossible. He'd made Logan want to dream of happy endings. Scott motivated Logan to stop running-to stay in one place and because of Scott, Logan was ready to push his unknown past behind him once and for all.
"We aren't fooling anyone, you know?" Scott had spoken up after the long silence between them. It seemed the mood had shifted once the nightmare was pushed back into Scott's subconscious, "They all can see what's happening."
"See it," Logan repeated with a low rumble of laughter unable to resist the urge to poke fun at Scott, "hell, I would've thought they'd hear about it first given the way that you are anything, but quiet when we're together…"
A blush rose over Scott's features, causing him to shift uncomfortably above Logan, "I'm not that loud."
"Yeah, you are," Logan poked at Scott's ribs, "but I rather enjoy the rush of encouragement."
"That's because your ego knows no limits," Scott wrinkled his nose at Logan.
"That's not the only thing," Logan assured him with a playful grin. Logan's hands disappeared beneath the blankets seeking out a more primitive reaction from Scott.
"I'm being serious," Scott frowned behind tightly closed eyelids.
"So am I," Logan's brow raised with curiosity, "What could possibly lead you to believe otherwise?"
"For starters it you're tone," Scott mouthed in response while reaching out through the darkness to touch the side of Logan's face. It was a gentle brush meant to be casual, but the sweep of Scott's fingertips over Logan's stubble covered face caused Logan to take in a small breath of anticipation. When Scott's index finger pressed over the center of Logan's mouth, Logan couldn't help, but press a kiss upon it.
"Oh how I wish I could see you," Scott sighed heavily, his heart sinking at the reality that he'd never be free to engage in the intimate act of gazing into Logan's eyes without the protective barrier of the glasses to keep them safe.
"You see me every day," Logan shrugged, wrapping his arm tighter around Scott.
"You know what I mean," Scott groaned outwardly. Opting to reposition himself in Logan's arms, Scott let out a long sigh, "If I could control it, then you and I could share something deeper. We could…"
"We already have something amazing Summers," Logan curled his finger underneath Scott's chin. Logan raised Scott's head up to meet his eyes again, "We don't need to worry about things we can't change when what we have is so very right."
"Even so," Scott's lashes flickered, straining in the darkness to keep from opening, "just once I'd like to see the flecks of amber in your eyes, to taste your skin and touch you without the worry, without the constant fear that I could blink and destroy you in an instant."
"In case you haven't noticed Summers I'm damn near indestructible," Logan offered up lightly, knowing only too well of Scott's internal torment over his mutation.
"You have no idea what I'm capable of," Scott finally replied with a sudden seriousness. "The disaster I can create…"
"I know what you are Scott and it doesn't frighten me," Logan rolled Scott back onto the bed beneath him. Reaching out to slide his finger into Scott's dark hair, Logan sighed memorizing Scott's features, "Just like I don't frighten you. We understand each other. We know what it is we both want and need out of life. Nothing can change that because we finally found what we were searching for."
"I'd give anything just to look into your eyes just once without fear, without worry about maintaining control," Scott's words tapered off into a sadness.
"We have something even better Summers. This is so much more," Logan had offered up flowery words of encouragement wanting it to be enough.
Now as Logan sat in the smoke filled bar, he thought back to the changes in Scott. No longer did Scott have to worry about the lasers consuming his thoughts, of the concentration needed to hold onto control. He'd finally gotten his wish, but at what price? Jean had ripped away a part of who Scott was, yet with the new twist of fate Scott had become vulnerable, more fragile and Logan had overlooked that. In a complete disregard for what Scott's loss of powers would mean to him, Logan had found himself thinking about the way things should've been. Logan had come into town expecting to regain what he'd lost with Scott-to somehow pick up where they'd left off and it had proven almost fatal. Scott had wanted to change for Logan in the past, to be able to share something they hadn't been able to before, but now that Scott was different Logan hadn't thought about the consequences. He'd simply put his animal instincts first and it had blown up in their faces.
Allowing the guilt of that to hang over Logan, he signaled the bartender for another drink. It was what he needed. It was how he was coping and nothing would allow him to change that. Tonight was about self loathing and tomorrow would be about making a choice. It was about what was needed to be done. Logan needed to think about Scott, about the future and about what would be best for everyone even if it meant giving up what he'd wanted the most out of life. Raising his glass to his lips, Logan fought with that reality until a bristling sensation of awareness spiked over his body.
"Danger," a voice inside of Logan's head warned causing Logan to sit up straighter on the bar stool. He looked around the bar, attempting to seek out the source of the uneasiness that had overtaken him. At first he'd thought it was guilt, but now with the scent of violence in the air, Logan wasn't so convinced. His eyes surveyed the bar again only to discover a dark shadow emerging from the back of the bar out into the night.
"What the…?" Logan mouthed rising up off of the barstool to go off after his instincts. There was something familiar, something he couldn't quite shake, but when he walked out of the bar into the night the feeling was gone. The lingering scent had disappeared leaving him to question his own sanity. His instincts were off, causing him to be lost in a world of paranoia, which could only mean one thing-trouble.
To Chapter 4