DEAR FRIEND
Greetings and salutations! I am the Master, a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, and I come to you in the spirit of peace and mutual cooperation. I roam the universe in my TARDIS, attempting to bestow the benefits of my hyper-acute intellect on those in need, wherever they may be.
My latest attempts to outlast my natural regeneration cycle (so great is my urge to do good works!) have, unfortunately, destabilized my cellular structure to the point that my continued existence is in jeopardy. I fear that time may be short--a bitter irony indeed for one whose colossal mental abilities have often transcended time itself. I need your help.
In the spirit of benevolence, I have maintained charitable investments in many sectors of your galaxy across millions of years of history. However, my confinement to an Emergency Tissue Stasis Chamber prevents me from accessing the money that I have so carefully accumulated. The funds I have developed to save lives may now be the only hope of saving mine-- and I cannot reach them. Nor can I trust just anyone with the task of retrieving them! Operating psychically, I have carefully scanned your world through my neural amplifier and found only a few honest and reputable individuals--individuals such as you, dear human friend--with the honesty, integrity, and discretion to aid me in my moment of highest need. I have translated my psychic transmissions into an e-mail format for your ease of use.
I maintain secret investments worth (approximately) seventeen billion billion of your "dollars." With the benefit of time travel, I have nurtured these funds since the height of the Roman republic and, in truth, now clandestinely underwrite approximately 60% of your global economy. I want... I need your assistance to collect some of these funds. With the resources to build and equip proper medical facilities, I could safely reconstitute my physical body in a matter of weeks. I hate the thought of distracting you from your very important affairs, and to ask you for the initial outlay of disposable cash and DNA samples that this project will require. I therefore insist that you agree to keep a small percentage of the funds you would collect for me... at the very least, accept just a few billion dollars for your time and trouble. I won't settle for anything less.
Also, once restored to full mobility and functionality, nothing would delight me more than to show my full gratitude by putting my super-advanced technological skills to use for the benefit of your world and your people! With just a few niggling modifications to your communications networks, your orbital satellites, and your strategic missile forces, I could bring about a new age of peace and prosperity under a unified and enlightened authority. Order out of chaos, your wildest dreams fulfilled! I have other highly beneficial projects in mind, projects that would require the most minimal investments of time, money, nuclear submarines, and biological laboratories. I am eager to discuss these possibilities with you in person, once I have recovered my accustomed health!
I cannot speak to you over the "telephone" due to my current physical limitations. You need only send an e-mail in response. I, the Master, ask this of you, for the sake of my life... and for the future life of your entire species.
YOU MUST RESPOND.
YOU MUST RESPOND.
YOU MUST RESPOND.
My latest attempts to outlast my natural regeneration cycle (so great is my urge to do good works!) have, unfortunately, destabilized my cellular structure to the point that my continued existence is in jeopardy. I fear that time may be short--a bitter irony indeed for one whose colossal mental abilities have often transcended time itself. I need your help.
In the spirit of benevolence, I have maintained charitable investments in many sectors of your galaxy across millions of years of history. However, my confinement to an Emergency Tissue Stasis Chamber prevents me from accessing the money that I have so carefully accumulated. The funds I have developed to save lives may now be the only hope of saving mine-- and I cannot reach them. Nor can I trust just anyone with the task of retrieving them! Operating psychically, I have carefully scanned your world through my neural amplifier and found only a few honest and reputable individuals--individuals such as you, dear human friend--with the honesty, integrity, and discretion to aid me in my moment of highest need. I have translated my psychic transmissions into an e-mail format for your ease of use.
I maintain secret investments worth (approximately) seventeen billion billion of your "dollars." With the benefit of time travel, I have nurtured these funds since the height of the Roman republic and, in truth, now clandestinely underwrite approximately 60% of your global economy. I want... I need your assistance to collect some of these funds. With the resources to build and equip proper medical facilities, I could safely reconstitute my physical body in a matter of weeks. I hate the thought of distracting you from your very important affairs, and to ask you for the initial outlay of disposable cash and DNA samples that this project will require. I therefore insist that you agree to keep a small percentage of the funds you would collect for me... at the very least, accept just a few billion dollars for your time and trouble. I won't settle for anything less.
Also, once restored to full mobility and functionality, nothing would delight me more than to show my full gratitude by putting my super-advanced technological skills to use for the benefit of your world and your people! With just a few niggling modifications to your communications networks, your orbital satellites, and your strategic missile forces, I could bring about a new age of peace and prosperity under a unified and enlightened authority. Order out of chaos, your wildest dreams fulfilled! I have other highly beneficial projects in mind, projects that would require the most minimal investments of time, money, nuclear submarines, and biological laboratories. I am eager to discuss these possibilities with you in person, once I have recovered my accustomed health!
I cannot speak to you over the "telephone" due to my current physical limitations. You need only send an e-mail in response. I, the Master, ask this of you, for the sake of my life... and for the future life of your entire species.
YOU MUST RESPOND.
YOU MUST RESPOND.
YOU MUST RESPOND.