When your body knows more than your brain - Fun Fic Friday - related
Title: When your body knows more than your brain
Author: scotianova
Rating: PG
Summary: You’ll see.
Prompt: Fun Fic Friday prompt of whispers in the dark
Disclaimer: This is fan fiction and just for fun
Warning: Unrevised.
When your body knows more than your brain
Can you imagine waking up from a long, long deep and heavy sleep and after only a short while anything feels wrong? Really everything - especially the cheerfulness of those people claiming to care for you and your well-being?
It took him quite a while to figure out that they were lying to him. And when he finally saw through their carefully woven net his epiphany changed their life - and his.
In the beginning he had no clue, how could he?
Emerging from unconsciousness only to fall back into dark heavy fog holding him captive was exhausting, so crucially exhausting so he decided to stay in oblivion more than once.
But finally he resurfaced and remained on the surface.
And he was glad he did, because he looked into the friendly - but weirdly old looking face - of Dr. Hughes and felt okay. Dr. Hughes was here, that was good. He liked the doctor. Always had and he knew without ‘knowing’ that he could trust him.
The first hours after him ‘resurrecting’ was all smiles, smiling doctors, smiling nurses, his smiling parents. His siblings weren’t allowed to visit him yet, but the little ones would show up soon and he was looking forward to hugging them.
Even his dad Holden and Damien seemed to get along -for his sake. At least they stood at the head of his bed and continued their grinning-competition. Their facial muscles must hurt in the meanwhile. Well, Damien looked like Damien but Holden also looked like one of those photo shopped shots making people looking older. As for his mum, he didn’t know what had happened to her - literally overnight. She was his mum and simultaneously she looked like a different person. She must have considerably lost weight, changed her style and somehow her beloved soft features were gone. Well she looked at him with a loving smile yet he felt like trapped in a soap opera where it was common practice to replace actors. But maybe he was only confused by the aftereffects of the surgery.
Then a few days later some things suddenly made sense, because he was informed that he’d been in an accident what was weird because he was sure that he’d had a kidney transplant and not an accident, but why would they lie to him? Dr. Hughes assured him he was out of danger, and after a few tests, a lot of weird questions the doctor told him that he had a probably temporal memory loss but that this would be ‘normal’ and hopes were up that he would regain his memory.
When he insisted on learning what his brain had decided to block out, Dr. Hughes and his parents paled and it was the doctor who eventually told him: 14 years.
Well, that was a shock he couldn’t pocket very easily.
14 years!
He’d lost 14 years of his life. That means he was 30 now.
Wow, now the thing with the kidney transplant and people looking older than to be expected made sense. He wasn’t 16 anymore he was 30.
Besides the shock of missing 14 years he was ridiculously relieved, because he’d felt irritatingly false in his body since waking up. A 16 years old boy with a fully grown body - that would irritate everybody, right? Well, last night he’d suddenly had an attack of auto-eroticism feeling the fur on his chest. He liked it and decided instantly to work with it - maybe letting it peek out of his shirts. Who knew maybe it would catch Kevin’s eyes. But shit! 14 years had passed and he doubted Kevin was still in the picture. Probably he’d chosen to hide his sexuality furthermore and married some poor girl.
Sighing but feeling strangely relaxed on the other hand Luke wondered how many surprises were waiting for him.
Because actually being 14 years older than he remembered was not the only surprise, he had a brother, a teenager who looked like him and he had a boyfriend.
Remembering the tortuous maneuver his mum put on ‘cautiously revealing some news’ he snorted. “Luke, we have to tell you something that might be confusing”
“Just spill it!” He’d thought but decided against irritating her with some impatient remark.
“… but you’re gay.”
That was ridiculous! If he wouldn’t have surely upset her he’d burst out laughing! Did they really believe he hadn’t known that himself? Seriously?
“Really?” he’d replied quite amused because of his mum’s not so smart expression then.
“Sorry Mum, no offense, but I have known that I am gay since I was nine. “
Holden and Damien grinned but his mother looked just shocked.
Then the day came when he met his ‘boyfriend’.
“The two of you are so in love, Luke, sososo in love - for 12 years, Luke. For twelve years! Can you believe that?”
He couldn’t!
Yet his mother had been almost out of her mind so full of enthusiasm.
Only he didn’t feel being ‘sososo’ in love with the guy who entered the room a few moments later and smiled at him. Well he wasn’t too bad to look at, he was tall, athletic, had dark hair - the already receding hairline wasn’t so charming however - and blue eyes - all in all, he seemed okay.
But Luke felt nothing. He couldn't care less if his mum introduced Mr. Smith who delivered their milk each day as his ‘boyfriend’. And since when did he have a thing for black haired giants? Recalling Kevin’s firm shape of medium height, his blond hair and adorable red-blond eye lashes that made Luke weak in the knees every time Kevin looked at him through those long, curved fans he wondered what had happened to him, why had he changed his type ‘sososo’ much?
And he could tell his so called boyfriend was obviously irritated too - about Luke’s reaction. But Luke couldn’t help himself - he didn’t know this Noah-guy.
Therefore he told them both, his mum and Noah 'Whatever' to please let him alone to get some rest. He told them nicely, in a patient tone, he tried to be civil but he was very clear about it.
“Listen, I can’t deal with all this right now, I don’t remember you, sorry for that, but I can’t do much about it, and I am tired, very tired. I think it’ s too early for me to deal with a relationship I don’t know anything about - not even that I had it.”
Was Luke aware of having used past tense? Probably not and he ascribed the startled look on the faces of that weird duo to his refusal to be a nice guy right now.
So his mum and his alleged boyfriend left his room looking like drowned rats.
It was then when Luke closed his eyes and felt sticking in the wrong movie even more.
Something - besides his memory loss - felt incredibly wrong. He couldn’t be with this guy. There was no way he and the awkward dude - attached to Luke’s mother like a toddler - was a couple. No way!
But Dr. Hughes had told him to avoid agitations so he tried to focus on getting better and maybe someday he would deal with a boyfriend who felt just strange and… yeah wrong. Or maybe he wouldn’t deal with him but find out why all this felt wrong.
Fortunately Dr. Hughes convinced his family to take it slow, so they tried to not overwhelm him with information and details.
Some things were easy though, such as re-bonding with his sisters and his not-so-little-anymore brother in particular. Faith and Natalie were pretty young ladies now but sitting close to him and sharing childhood memories with their big brother they all felt like kids again.
After two weeks Luke not asking after Noah the guy showed up again and tried to be nice.
He told Luke about making movies but Luke couldn’t suppress yawning after an hour. Not because he wasn’t interested in movies but he surely wasn’t interested in listening to recaps of movies he didn’t remember.
His mum was agitated that night when she showed up to say ‘goodnight to her baby’.
“Luke…I know you’re going to a very hard time, but do you think you could promise me something?”
“That depends…”
Again there was this look of shock on her face - but why? How could he promise something he didn’t know anything about? Lilly Walsh-Grimaldi-Snyder shook her carefully coiffed head in disbelief but decided to continue:
“You know, Noah is very confused. He is a romantic soul, you know, even if he can’t show it and you acting as if he’s a stranger…well, that’s hurting him very much. So please try to be nice. Please!”
“Mum, he is a stranger to me. And honestly I don’t see your point, why would you want me to make a promise to you - since this is only a thing between me and him? What do you have to do with it?”
“…I want you to be happy, Luke. You’re my son!”
“So all is fine then, because I intend to find out what makes me happy. And although - on a rational level - I understand that Noah is going through a hard time - I don’t see a way to help him there.”
“Isn’t there any feeling left? An echo of the wonderful years you shared with him? You know, people say the heart knows more than the brain.”
“If that’s so Mum, then I doubt I ever loved him. Because only my brain tells me to be nice to him, my heart is deadly calm when it comes to him and as for my body - it’s even rejecting him. - And I am not sorry for something I can’t change!”
“It’s just as if you were a different person now. Where is my sweat, friendly former Luke?”
Maybe Heaven meant well for him because his grandmother happened to enter the room and spared him the answer.
“Hello - my wonderful grandson!”
“Hi grandmother!” He beamed at her and again earned an irritated stare from his mother.
“Luke may I kidnap your mum just a second. I’ll come back however.”
God, all this was terrifying. He was supposed to love his mum and he did, her behavior regarding this Noah-guy drove him nuts however .
But obviously his grandmother had a talk with her daughter because the following weeks Lily delayed her ongoing match-making-attempts.
So it happened that Luke was discharged from the hospital a month after waking up and his parents brought him ‘home’. He doubted his state of mind realizing he was still living with his mum, but obviously he just did.
Entering ‘his’ room, he frowned - it looked sterilized, fake, there were books, photos, his clothes but again he had the feeling something was missing, something was wrong.
However what was he supposed to do? Every time he tried to mention something or to place a probing question here and then he got insecure smiles in return and the affirmation everything would turn out to be okay. But he didn’t feel okay. There was a huge gap in his mind and it drove him crazy.
The worst thing was the feeling that nobody told him the truth.
Maybe he was getting paranoid.
So he tried to orient in a reality that was confusing and disturbing.
Strangely enough his grandmother had left for Amsterdam a week after he’d returned home and he missed her. Somehow he wondered if she could fill in some blanks, but she seemed so busy and when he called her she told him to be patient but promised to help him.
Only patience didn’t seem his best event lately.
What was wrong with him and more precisely what was wrong with them?
Then one night he couldn’t sleep or more specifically he woke up from a voice he’d heard in his sleep.
“I love you. There I said it”
It was just a whisper but Luke instantly knew that he was the addressee of said confession.
“I love you. There I said it”
What a wonderful confession!
The voice sounded so familiar and close, yet there was no face to that voice.
However Luke began to long for going to bed every night, falling asleep and hearing this voice again.
“I never thought I would find someone like you, Luke.”
Was he hallucinating? Trying to get out of a life he obviously didn’t like by imagining erotic voices directed towards him?
…
“Please don’t go, Luke. Just don’t…”
What was that? Why would he want to leave someone whose voice managed to touch his very core?
<><><>
Waking up from an urgent plea -the same, so familiar voice was calling him, Luke -:
“Stay with us, hey, come on! LUKE! Please, stay with me!” followed by a harsh comment: “The paddles! Hurry up!” and an unapologetic insult:
”Am I surrounded by incompetent idiots or what?” Luke made a decision and called Dr. Hughes in the morning.
Although retired for years the old doctor still had an office at Memorial and when Luke entered it the silver fox seemed a bit out of sorts. Luke watched him intensely before starting his inquiry - sensing he would get some answers today.
First he wanted to know everything about his injuries and their ramifications.
Learning that he’d suffered from an extremely severe head trauma with a lot of complications he suddenly asked:
“Dr. Hughes, which doctor performed the surgery? So far as I know, there isn’t a neurosurgeon at Memorial who had the guts to do this.”
Bob Hughes paled but answered anyway:
“You’re right. Your grandmother called a specialist from John Hopkins. She even hopped on the plane herself and brought him here. And she was right; nobody else could have done it.”
“So why haven’t I met him?”
“He actually stayed long enough to be sure you would make it and only needed time to wake up. He had already rescheduled countless surgeries to be here - there was no way he could stay any longer. But if you wonder - he calls every day to ask about your well-being.”
“So he must be a very caring and devoted doctor.”
Now Bob chuckled.
“He actually is, although you wouldn’t believe it meeting him - he’s kind of rude and too upright to be called a nice person. But he does everything he can for his patients and people he…”
“People he…what?”
“Nothing, Luke. Forgive an old man’s babbling.”
“What’s his name?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Luke!”
“Dr. Hughes - I think to say ‘thank you’ to a man who saved my life, is a very good idea!”
“Listen, there are reasons that we kept his involvement in your treatment so far…”
“I don’t care about anybody’s ‘reasons’ for lying to me for weeks! So please tell me his name, I’ll find it out anyway.”
“It’s Reid Oliver.”
“And he lives in Baltimore?”
“Yes.”
“Something tells me you know exactly where.”
It was then when Bob Hughes opened his desk and took out a note, name, home-address, phone numbers, at the hospital and the private one - neatly written down.
The ominous doctor who’d saved his life lived in Baltimore, Guildford Avenue.
Luke stared at the note and turned it around as if looking for a hidden message.
“What is he like, Bob?” he whispered.
“As I said, he has a very unique personality, hasn’t very elaborated people skills, but he’s a brilliant doctor and a good man.”
“How old is he?”
“He was forty in June”.
“Tell me something about his voice!”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah - you know, is it deep, high…pleasant…”
“Oh…I would say it's a ‘normal’ voice. Not high, not deep, sometimes it’s a bit husky, due to his allergies.”
“I heard him, Bob!”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, I heard him during the surgery, I head him yelling at the nurses and doctors and I heard him pleading with me to stay with ‘him’. Yes I heard him then and I hear him every night - saying different things but it’s definitely a voice I like and…”
“It’s okay, Luke. I think it's time. Go to him, go to Baltimore and tell him what you told me right now. But I may give you an advice: Don’t tell anybody else about your plans.“
“I won’t Bob, I knew they were lying to me about something, and it wasn’t a good feeling at all.”
The rest of the day Luke prepared his journey and avoided to google Reid Oliver. He wanted to face him unbiased.
<><><>
“Sorry, but Dr. Oliver isn’t on duty today. Actually he has one of his very rare days off.”
The nurse was professional and very nice. So Luke left the huge clinic feeling good and gave the cab-driver the address in Charles Village.
The doctor lived in a row-house; a simple R.O. on the nameplate indicated he was living here.
Luke took some deep breaths before he rang the bell. It was not okay to disturb the doctor’s well-earned day off but if it was true what his subconsciousness persistently tried to tell him he had to intrude the doctor’s privacy.
Still desperately trying to prepare himself for the confrontation the door opened before he was ready and he was looking straight into HIS eyes.
“Jesus!”
“Dr. Oliver?”
“Luke…!” Blue-eyed-red-golden-eyelashed-auburn-curled-deliciously-shaped- mouth-his voice blessed with a sexy-timbre-being of medium height-doctor answered fast enough to hide something he didn’t want to reveal.
When Luke scratched at the back of his head his counterpart couldn’t help but smile.
“What?” Luke asked confused.
“Nothing…” Reid Oliver had an adorable smile.
“Well, since you’ve come a long way I guess I should ask you in“.
So Luke happened to sit in Dr. Oliver’s living-room only minutes later and all he could do was staring at the sideboard to the left that was decorated with six framed photographs showing Bob Hughes and Reid Oliver in suits standing close smiling at each other, Lucinda and Reid lost in conversation - at a place Luke didn’t know, than there was Katie with her son, Luke hadn’t seen yet but heard he was a cute boy and then there were shots portraying himself, he in a suit all businessman, he laughing into the camera and finally he and Reid Oliver walking side by side with Luke’s arm wrapped around the older man’s waist.
Luke didn’t need further explanation. The photos told enough. He and Reid Oliver had been together, so the whispers had told the truth: “I love you.There I said it”.
“You know, it started with whispers in the night. I heard a voice whispering to me, a strange voice in the beginning, but it became more familiar every night, so I preferred to spend most of my time in bed, waiting for sleep and the voice to come to me again.”
“Yeah, human memory is a mystery even to me.” Reid commented, his voice soft and cautious yet intense.
“How long have we been together?”
“Two years.” The tender reply came instantly.
“And when did we break up?”
“It’s been four years currently.”
“And why?”
“Huh…there were several reasons.”
“Then tell me the essential ones.”
“I guess a third party would call it irreconcilable differences …”
“Care to elaborate?”
“In the first place we were on very different pages in life, I was already past my wild years - if I ever had ones - and you were just out of a complicated relationship and wanted to enjoy your life, parties, having fun - what was very understandable.Then there’s the fact that I am not a very sociable person and with your family by your side - oh Man! I tried to be more civil but let me just say, me and your mum - that was an absolutely no go and her attachment to Mr. Mayer didn’t help either. So you were torn and one day after a terrible fight between your mum and me you lost it and I decided to pull the plug before we ended up only hurting each other constantly.”
“And then you moved here.”
“Yeah, as soon as rumors got around that I was on the market again, John Hopkins called and here I am. And it was a good decision. I like it here, the staff is absolutely professional and I couldn’t ask for better conditions.”
“And after you left I actually got back together with Noah? Really?”
“Yeah, yeah you did. Not directly though, I think it took him two years to convince you to give it another try.”
“How come, that you’re so well informed?”
“I might have reliable sources.”
“Let me guess…my grandmother?”
“Yes. She and I get along quite well and she was the only one who didn’t approve the epic reunification of Luke Snyder and Noah Mayer. She was also the one who was on the phone the second the paramedics rushed you into Memorial. I know she and your mum had a big fight because of that.”
(“Lily, are you really going to jeopardize your son’s life because of what? Stubbornness, unforgiveness or are you just an idiot?”
“What if his feelings for Luke are messing with his surgical skills? What if he can’t save him? What if he takes advantage of the situation? ”
“Lily, I refuse to even reply to that. I go and get Holden and Damien …maybe they are more reasonable than you - I don’t get you, I just don’t get you!”
Sometimes it’s a good thing you don’t know everything. But Luke was determined to ask his grandmother and his mother as well some questions so maybe he would learn about a lot of crazy fights between the two Walsh-ladies, who couldn’t be more different.)
For now he smiled:
“You’re babbling.”
“Yes, I tend to do this when I don’t know what else to do.”
And now it was Luke who smiled sadly.
“We were very much in love, right?”
“As far as I can judge, yes, we were!”
“So why didn’t we last again? Why couldn’t we figure something out?”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough, Luke. You were struggling with yourself, your past, your family and your feelings for me all the time and…staying and prolonging your struggle…that didn’t strike me as love.”
“Oh!”
“What?”
“Do you even realize what you just said?”
“Why? I only stated the obvious…”
“No, you just described the purest form of love: To abandon your own feelings for your lover’s sake.”
“You might consider the way you stare at me Luke…it’s not helping me to stay calm and reasonable right now.”
“Reid, I miss 14 years of my life, Noah, the man my mother claims to be the love of my life, is a stranger to me. When we first met after me waking up, I couldn’t believe I was with him. I don’t know if I’ll ever regain my memory. Regarding Noah, I don’t believe I want it back. I know this sounds cold and rude - my mum even suspects my personality to be corrupted by the accident - (Reid only chuckled to that). Unfortunately I can’t remember you too, but it is your voice that speaks to me at night, every night. You know I heard you yelling at the nurses and your co-doctors while operating on me. I still hear your pleas to stay with you. And although so many things feel strange to me and I have to fight the urge to run away all the time - your voice, you and me here in your house, all this doesn’t feel strange and I surely haven’t the urge to run away from you. I don’t know, what it means - all this. I only know, I only know there is something about the situation that’s right. You don’t feel strange, Reid, although you are supposed to do. So I have to ask you two questions.”
“Well, if I can I’ll answer them.”
“Please don’t ask me to go…”
“I won’t!”
Hell no! How could he? He’d dreamt of something like this to happen since the moment he’d entered the plane taking him to Maryland four years ago.
“And…are you seeing anyone?”
“No. I have though, I was with a colleague for a year and a half but we didn’t work.”
“Why didn’t you stay after the surgery?”
“Well, this is the third question, but….” Reid chuckled remembering Luke’s habit to start a conversation with announcing to ask one or two questions and in the end he pinned Reid down quizzing him about his whole life.
“…but I get why you’re asking…. Look, you have so much to deal with; I didn’t want to increase the pressure already weighing on you. And when Bob called and told me about your memory loss, I knew I was right. My presence would have confused you more and - and honestly I couldn’t deal with Noah and your mum - not a day longer.”
“What did they do? I mean you saved my life, so what was there to object?”
“Nothing special, it doesn’t matter anyway.”
“No, please I want to know.”
“Well, I get that Mr. Mayer considers me a threat but your mother? I don’t know. I guess I am the Antichrist in her eyes.”
“Bob told me you called every day…”
“How could I not?”
“Why?” Now it was Luke who was whispering.
“I am pretty sure you know why Luke!”
Well Luke had had enough time to adjust to Reid’s voice that frequented him for quite a while now, but he wasn’t prepared for the blue intensity targeted at him now. It was almost impossible to hold this undisguised gaze that seemed to look for something in its deep-brown equivalent.
“I hoped I was right but I had to ask to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, I do. You are drowning in insecurity, vagueness and suspicions. I know it’s a very tough time you are going through, but you have to have faith in life, you’re going to be okay.”
“They lied to me, Reid. They acted as if you’d never existed. I searched my entire things, nothing, not a fucking hint, no note, no photo, you know something like that.”
“Well, maybe it was you yourself - you know after our break-up, maybe you wanted to get rid of the memories.”
“No, Reid, I am a gatherer, I keep things.”
“I know…”
“See? I can’t understand why they did that. You said we were together for two years. Why did they want me to forget that?”
“I don’t know - maybe they tried to protect you…I am not a psychologist, Luke. I operate on brains, but I can’t read them.”
Now they chuckled both.
Suddenly Luke noticed Reid’s clothes. He looked as if he’d been ready to go out. He looked nice, good, handsome in his black jeans and sweater.
“Uhm - were you about to go out, when I showed up here?”
“Actually I wanted to go to my favorite place. I haven’t eaten yet. Want to join me?”
“Yes! If I think about it, I haven’t eaten either. On the plane I was so nervous - you know.”
“Or I could order something - you just got here.”
“I am fine with everything - maybe ordering in is a good thing - I am a bit tired.”
So it was a done deal that Reid ordered pizza and Luke and “his doctor” shared a meal the younger man considered the best thing he ever tasted. And another few hours later Luke lay on Reid Oliver’s couch sound asleep with a blanket securely wrapped around him and tender blue eyes watching over his sleep.
“I never stopped loving you, Luke. I couldn’t - although I tried very hard.”
A familiar voice whispered and soft fingertips were caressing Luke’s cheek.
As said before it took Luke quite a while to figure out that people who were supposed to tell him the truth lied to him. And when he finally saw through their carefully woven net of lies it changed everything.
“I can’t go back home, Reid. I can’t go back to Oakdale.”
“Stay then.”
Author: scotianova
Rating: PG
Summary: You’ll see.
Prompt: Fun Fic Friday prompt of whispers in the dark
Disclaimer: This is fan fiction and just for fun
Warning: Unrevised.
When your body knows more than your brain
Can you imagine waking up from a long, long deep and heavy sleep and after only a short while anything feels wrong? Really everything - especially the cheerfulness of those people claiming to care for you and your well-being?
It took him quite a while to figure out that they were lying to him. And when he finally saw through their carefully woven net his epiphany changed their life - and his.
In the beginning he had no clue, how could he?
Emerging from unconsciousness only to fall back into dark heavy fog holding him captive was exhausting, so crucially exhausting so he decided to stay in oblivion more than once.
But finally he resurfaced and remained on the surface.
And he was glad he did, because he looked into the friendly - but weirdly old looking face - of Dr. Hughes and felt okay. Dr. Hughes was here, that was good. He liked the doctor. Always had and he knew without ‘knowing’ that he could trust him.
The first hours after him ‘resurrecting’ was all smiles, smiling doctors, smiling nurses, his smiling parents. His siblings weren’t allowed to visit him yet, but the little ones would show up soon and he was looking forward to hugging them.
Even his dad Holden and Damien seemed to get along -for his sake. At least they stood at the head of his bed and continued their grinning-competition. Their facial muscles must hurt in the meanwhile. Well, Damien looked like Damien but Holden also looked like one of those photo shopped shots making people looking older. As for his mum, he didn’t know what had happened to her - literally overnight. She was his mum and simultaneously she looked like a different person. She must have considerably lost weight, changed her style and somehow her beloved soft features were gone. Well she looked at him with a loving smile yet he felt like trapped in a soap opera where it was common practice to replace actors. But maybe he was only confused by the aftereffects of the surgery.
Then a few days later some things suddenly made sense, because he was informed that he’d been in an accident what was weird because he was sure that he’d had a kidney transplant and not an accident, but why would they lie to him? Dr. Hughes assured him he was out of danger, and after a few tests, a lot of weird questions the doctor told him that he had a probably temporal memory loss but that this would be ‘normal’ and hopes were up that he would regain his memory.
When he insisted on learning what his brain had decided to block out, Dr. Hughes and his parents paled and it was the doctor who eventually told him: 14 years.
Well, that was a shock he couldn’t pocket very easily.
14 years!
He’d lost 14 years of his life. That means he was 30 now.
Wow, now the thing with the kidney transplant and people looking older than to be expected made sense. He wasn’t 16 anymore he was 30.
Besides the shock of missing 14 years he was ridiculously relieved, because he’d felt irritatingly false in his body since waking up. A 16 years old boy with a fully grown body - that would irritate everybody, right? Well, last night he’d suddenly had an attack of auto-eroticism feeling the fur on his chest. He liked it and decided instantly to work with it - maybe letting it peek out of his shirts. Who knew maybe it would catch Kevin’s eyes. But shit! 14 years had passed and he doubted Kevin was still in the picture. Probably he’d chosen to hide his sexuality furthermore and married some poor girl.
Sighing but feeling strangely relaxed on the other hand Luke wondered how many surprises were waiting for him.
Because actually being 14 years older than he remembered was not the only surprise, he had a brother, a teenager who looked like him and he had a boyfriend.
Remembering the tortuous maneuver his mum put on ‘cautiously revealing some news’ he snorted. “Luke, we have to tell you something that might be confusing”
“Just spill it!” He’d thought but decided against irritating her with some impatient remark.
“… but you’re gay.”
That was ridiculous! If he wouldn’t have surely upset her he’d burst out laughing! Did they really believe he hadn’t known that himself? Seriously?
“Really?” he’d replied quite amused because of his mum’s not so smart expression then.
“Sorry Mum, no offense, but I have known that I am gay since I was nine. “
Holden and Damien grinned but his mother looked just shocked.
Then the day came when he met his ‘boyfriend’.
“The two of you are so in love, Luke, sososo in love - for 12 years, Luke. For twelve years! Can you believe that?”
He couldn’t!
Yet his mother had been almost out of her mind so full of enthusiasm.
Only he didn’t feel being ‘sososo’ in love with the guy who entered the room a few moments later and smiled at him. Well he wasn’t too bad to look at, he was tall, athletic, had dark hair - the already receding hairline wasn’t so charming however - and blue eyes - all in all, he seemed okay.
But Luke felt nothing. He couldn't care less if his mum introduced Mr. Smith who delivered their milk each day as his ‘boyfriend’. And since when did he have a thing for black haired giants? Recalling Kevin’s firm shape of medium height, his blond hair and adorable red-blond eye lashes that made Luke weak in the knees every time Kevin looked at him through those long, curved fans he wondered what had happened to him, why had he changed his type ‘sososo’ much?
And he could tell his so called boyfriend was obviously irritated too - about Luke’s reaction. But Luke couldn’t help himself - he didn’t know this Noah-guy.
Therefore he told them both, his mum and Noah 'Whatever' to please let him alone to get some rest. He told them nicely, in a patient tone, he tried to be civil but he was very clear about it.
“Listen, I can’t deal with all this right now, I don’t remember you, sorry for that, but I can’t do much about it, and I am tired, very tired. I think it’ s too early for me to deal with a relationship I don’t know anything about - not even that I had it.”
Was Luke aware of having used past tense? Probably not and he ascribed the startled look on the faces of that weird duo to his refusal to be a nice guy right now.
So his mum and his alleged boyfriend left his room looking like drowned rats.
It was then when Luke closed his eyes and felt sticking in the wrong movie even more.
Something - besides his memory loss - felt incredibly wrong. He couldn’t be with this guy. There was no way he and the awkward dude - attached to Luke’s mother like a toddler - was a couple. No way!
But Dr. Hughes had told him to avoid agitations so he tried to focus on getting better and maybe someday he would deal with a boyfriend who felt just strange and… yeah wrong. Or maybe he wouldn’t deal with him but find out why all this felt wrong.
Fortunately Dr. Hughes convinced his family to take it slow, so they tried to not overwhelm him with information and details.
Some things were easy though, such as re-bonding with his sisters and his not-so-little-anymore brother in particular. Faith and Natalie were pretty young ladies now but sitting close to him and sharing childhood memories with their big brother they all felt like kids again.
After two weeks Luke not asking after Noah the guy showed up again and tried to be nice.
He told Luke about making movies but Luke couldn’t suppress yawning after an hour. Not because he wasn’t interested in movies but he surely wasn’t interested in listening to recaps of movies he didn’t remember.
His mum was agitated that night when she showed up to say ‘goodnight to her baby’.
“Luke…I know you’re going to a very hard time, but do you think you could promise me something?”
“That depends…”
Again there was this look of shock on her face - but why? How could he promise something he didn’t know anything about? Lilly Walsh-Grimaldi-Snyder shook her carefully coiffed head in disbelief but decided to continue:
“You know, Noah is very confused. He is a romantic soul, you know, even if he can’t show it and you acting as if he’s a stranger…well, that’s hurting him very much. So please try to be nice. Please!”
“Mum, he is a stranger to me. And honestly I don’t see your point, why would you want me to make a promise to you - since this is only a thing between me and him? What do you have to do with it?”
“…I want you to be happy, Luke. You’re my son!”
“So all is fine then, because I intend to find out what makes me happy. And although - on a rational level - I understand that Noah is going through a hard time - I don’t see a way to help him there.”
“Isn’t there any feeling left? An echo of the wonderful years you shared with him? You know, people say the heart knows more than the brain.”
“If that’s so Mum, then I doubt I ever loved him. Because only my brain tells me to be nice to him, my heart is deadly calm when it comes to him and as for my body - it’s even rejecting him. - And I am not sorry for something I can’t change!”
“It’s just as if you were a different person now. Where is my sweat, friendly former Luke?”
Maybe Heaven meant well for him because his grandmother happened to enter the room and spared him the answer.
“Hello - my wonderful grandson!”
“Hi grandmother!” He beamed at her and again earned an irritated stare from his mother.
“Luke may I kidnap your mum just a second. I’ll come back however.”
God, all this was terrifying. He was supposed to love his mum and he did, her behavior regarding this Noah-guy drove him nuts however .
But obviously his grandmother had a talk with her daughter because the following weeks Lily delayed her ongoing match-making-attempts.
So it happened that Luke was discharged from the hospital a month after waking up and his parents brought him ‘home’. He doubted his state of mind realizing he was still living with his mum, but obviously he just did.
Entering ‘his’ room, he frowned - it looked sterilized, fake, there were books, photos, his clothes but again he had the feeling something was missing, something was wrong.
However what was he supposed to do? Every time he tried to mention something or to place a probing question here and then he got insecure smiles in return and the affirmation everything would turn out to be okay. But he didn’t feel okay. There was a huge gap in his mind and it drove him crazy.
The worst thing was the feeling that nobody told him the truth.
Maybe he was getting paranoid.
So he tried to orient in a reality that was confusing and disturbing.
Strangely enough his grandmother had left for Amsterdam a week after he’d returned home and he missed her. Somehow he wondered if she could fill in some blanks, but she seemed so busy and when he called her she told him to be patient but promised to help him.
Only patience didn’t seem his best event lately.
What was wrong with him and more precisely what was wrong with them?
Then one night he couldn’t sleep or more specifically he woke up from a voice he’d heard in his sleep.
“I love you. There I said it”
It was just a whisper but Luke instantly knew that he was the addressee of said confession.
“I love you. There I said it”
What a wonderful confession!
The voice sounded so familiar and close, yet there was no face to that voice.
However Luke began to long for going to bed every night, falling asleep and hearing this voice again.
“I never thought I would find someone like you, Luke.”
Was he hallucinating? Trying to get out of a life he obviously didn’t like by imagining erotic voices directed towards him?
…
“Please don’t go, Luke. Just don’t…”
What was that? Why would he want to leave someone whose voice managed to touch his very core?
<><><>
Waking up from an urgent plea -the same, so familiar voice was calling him, Luke -:
“Stay with us, hey, come on! LUKE! Please, stay with me!” followed by a harsh comment: “The paddles! Hurry up!” and an unapologetic insult:
”Am I surrounded by incompetent idiots or what?” Luke made a decision and called Dr. Hughes in the morning.
Although retired for years the old doctor still had an office at Memorial and when Luke entered it the silver fox seemed a bit out of sorts. Luke watched him intensely before starting his inquiry - sensing he would get some answers today.
First he wanted to know everything about his injuries and their ramifications.
Learning that he’d suffered from an extremely severe head trauma with a lot of complications he suddenly asked:
“Dr. Hughes, which doctor performed the surgery? So far as I know, there isn’t a neurosurgeon at Memorial who had the guts to do this.”
Bob Hughes paled but answered anyway:
“You’re right. Your grandmother called a specialist from John Hopkins. She even hopped on the plane herself and brought him here. And she was right; nobody else could have done it.”
“So why haven’t I met him?”
“He actually stayed long enough to be sure you would make it and only needed time to wake up. He had already rescheduled countless surgeries to be here - there was no way he could stay any longer. But if you wonder - he calls every day to ask about your well-being.”
“So he must be a very caring and devoted doctor.”
Now Bob chuckled.
“He actually is, although you wouldn’t believe it meeting him - he’s kind of rude and too upright to be called a nice person. But he does everything he can for his patients and people he…”
“People he…what?”
“Nothing, Luke. Forgive an old man’s babbling.”
“What’s his name?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Luke!”
“Dr. Hughes - I think to say ‘thank you’ to a man who saved my life, is a very good idea!”
“Listen, there are reasons that we kept his involvement in your treatment so far…”
“I don’t care about anybody’s ‘reasons’ for lying to me for weeks! So please tell me his name, I’ll find it out anyway.”
“It’s Reid Oliver.”
“And he lives in Baltimore?”
“Yes.”
“Something tells me you know exactly where.”
It was then when Bob Hughes opened his desk and took out a note, name, home-address, phone numbers, at the hospital and the private one - neatly written down.
The ominous doctor who’d saved his life lived in Baltimore, Guildford Avenue.
Luke stared at the note and turned it around as if looking for a hidden message.
“What is he like, Bob?” he whispered.
“As I said, he has a very unique personality, hasn’t very elaborated people skills, but he’s a brilliant doctor and a good man.”
“How old is he?”
“He was forty in June”.
“Tell me something about his voice!”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah - you know, is it deep, high…pleasant…”
“Oh…I would say it's a ‘normal’ voice. Not high, not deep, sometimes it’s a bit husky, due to his allergies.”
“I heard him, Bob!”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, I heard him during the surgery, I head him yelling at the nurses and doctors and I heard him pleading with me to stay with ‘him’. Yes I heard him then and I hear him every night - saying different things but it’s definitely a voice I like and…”
“It’s okay, Luke. I think it's time. Go to him, go to Baltimore and tell him what you told me right now. But I may give you an advice: Don’t tell anybody else about your plans.“
“I won’t Bob, I knew they were lying to me about something, and it wasn’t a good feeling at all.”
The rest of the day Luke prepared his journey and avoided to google Reid Oliver. He wanted to face him unbiased.
<><><>
“Sorry, but Dr. Oliver isn’t on duty today. Actually he has one of his very rare days off.”
The nurse was professional and very nice. So Luke left the huge clinic feeling good and gave the cab-driver the address in Charles Village.
The doctor lived in a row-house; a simple R.O. on the nameplate indicated he was living here.
Luke took some deep breaths before he rang the bell. It was not okay to disturb the doctor’s well-earned day off but if it was true what his subconsciousness persistently tried to tell him he had to intrude the doctor’s privacy.
Still desperately trying to prepare himself for the confrontation the door opened before he was ready and he was looking straight into HIS eyes.
“Jesus!”
“Dr. Oliver?”
“Luke…!” Blue-eyed-red-golden-eyelashed-auburn-curled-deliciously-shaped- mouth-his voice blessed with a sexy-timbre-being of medium height-doctor answered fast enough to hide something he didn’t want to reveal.
When Luke scratched at the back of his head his counterpart couldn’t help but smile.
“What?” Luke asked confused.
“Nothing…” Reid Oliver had an adorable smile.
“Well, since you’ve come a long way I guess I should ask you in“.
So Luke happened to sit in Dr. Oliver’s living-room only minutes later and all he could do was staring at the sideboard to the left that was decorated with six framed photographs showing Bob Hughes and Reid Oliver in suits standing close smiling at each other, Lucinda and Reid lost in conversation - at a place Luke didn’t know, than there was Katie with her son, Luke hadn’t seen yet but heard he was a cute boy and then there were shots portraying himself, he in a suit all businessman, he laughing into the camera and finally he and Reid Oliver walking side by side with Luke’s arm wrapped around the older man’s waist.
Luke didn’t need further explanation. The photos told enough. He and Reid Oliver had been together, so the whispers had told the truth: “I love you.There I said it”.
“You know, it started with whispers in the night. I heard a voice whispering to me, a strange voice in the beginning, but it became more familiar every night, so I preferred to spend most of my time in bed, waiting for sleep and the voice to come to me again.”
“Yeah, human memory is a mystery even to me.” Reid commented, his voice soft and cautious yet intense.
“How long have we been together?”
“Two years.” The tender reply came instantly.
“And when did we break up?”
“It’s been four years currently.”
“And why?”
“Huh…there were several reasons.”
“Then tell me the essential ones.”
“I guess a third party would call it irreconcilable differences …”
“Care to elaborate?”
“In the first place we were on very different pages in life, I was already past my wild years - if I ever had ones - and you were just out of a complicated relationship and wanted to enjoy your life, parties, having fun - what was very understandable.Then there’s the fact that I am not a very sociable person and with your family by your side - oh Man! I tried to be more civil but let me just say, me and your mum - that was an absolutely no go and her attachment to Mr. Mayer didn’t help either. So you were torn and one day after a terrible fight between your mum and me you lost it and I decided to pull the plug before we ended up only hurting each other constantly.”
“And then you moved here.”
“Yeah, as soon as rumors got around that I was on the market again, John Hopkins called and here I am. And it was a good decision. I like it here, the staff is absolutely professional and I couldn’t ask for better conditions.”
“And after you left I actually got back together with Noah? Really?”
“Yeah, yeah you did. Not directly though, I think it took him two years to convince you to give it another try.”
“How come, that you’re so well informed?”
“I might have reliable sources.”
“Let me guess…my grandmother?”
“Yes. She and I get along quite well and she was the only one who didn’t approve the epic reunification of Luke Snyder and Noah Mayer. She was also the one who was on the phone the second the paramedics rushed you into Memorial. I know she and your mum had a big fight because of that.”
(“Lily, are you really going to jeopardize your son’s life because of what? Stubbornness, unforgiveness or are you just an idiot?”
“What if his feelings for Luke are messing with his surgical skills? What if he can’t save him? What if he takes advantage of the situation? ”
“Lily, I refuse to even reply to that. I go and get Holden and Damien …maybe they are more reasonable than you - I don’t get you, I just don’t get you!”
Sometimes it’s a good thing you don’t know everything. But Luke was determined to ask his grandmother and his mother as well some questions so maybe he would learn about a lot of crazy fights between the two Walsh-ladies, who couldn’t be more different.)
For now he smiled:
“You’re babbling.”
“Yes, I tend to do this when I don’t know what else to do.”
And now it was Luke who smiled sadly.
“We were very much in love, right?”
“As far as I can judge, yes, we were!”
“So why didn’t we last again? Why couldn’t we figure something out?”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough, Luke. You were struggling with yourself, your past, your family and your feelings for me all the time and…staying and prolonging your struggle…that didn’t strike me as love.”
“Oh!”
“What?”
“Do you even realize what you just said?”
“Why? I only stated the obvious…”
“No, you just described the purest form of love: To abandon your own feelings for your lover’s sake.”
“You might consider the way you stare at me Luke…it’s not helping me to stay calm and reasonable right now.”
“Reid, I miss 14 years of my life, Noah, the man my mother claims to be the love of my life, is a stranger to me. When we first met after me waking up, I couldn’t believe I was with him. I don’t know if I’ll ever regain my memory. Regarding Noah, I don’t believe I want it back. I know this sounds cold and rude - my mum even suspects my personality to be corrupted by the accident - (Reid only chuckled to that). Unfortunately I can’t remember you too, but it is your voice that speaks to me at night, every night. You know I heard you yelling at the nurses and your co-doctors while operating on me. I still hear your pleas to stay with you. And although so many things feel strange to me and I have to fight the urge to run away all the time - your voice, you and me here in your house, all this doesn’t feel strange and I surely haven’t the urge to run away from you. I don’t know, what it means - all this. I only know, I only know there is something about the situation that’s right. You don’t feel strange, Reid, although you are supposed to do. So I have to ask you two questions.”
“Well, if I can I’ll answer them.”
“Please don’t ask me to go…”
“I won’t!”
Hell no! How could he? He’d dreamt of something like this to happen since the moment he’d entered the plane taking him to Maryland four years ago.
“And…are you seeing anyone?”
“No. I have though, I was with a colleague for a year and a half but we didn’t work.”
“Why didn’t you stay after the surgery?”
“Well, this is the third question, but….” Reid chuckled remembering Luke’s habit to start a conversation with announcing to ask one or two questions and in the end he pinned Reid down quizzing him about his whole life.
“…but I get why you’re asking…. Look, you have so much to deal with; I didn’t want to increase the pressure already weighing on you. And when Bob called and told me about your memory loss, I knew I was right. My presence would have confused you more and - and honestly I couldn’t deal with Noah and your mum - not a day longer.”
“What did they do? I mean you saved my life, so what was there to object?”
“Nothing special, it doesn’t matter anyway.”
“No, please I want to know.”
“Well, I get that Mr. Mayer considers me a threat but your mother? I don’t know. I guess I am the Antichrist in her eyes.”
“Bob told me you called every day…”
“How could I not?”
“Why?” Now it was Luke who was whispering.
“I am pretty sure you know why Luke!”
Well Luke had had enough time to adjust to Reid’s voice that frequented him for quite a while now, but he wasn’t prepared for the blue intensity targeted at him now. It was almost impossible to hold this undisguised gaze that seemed to look for something in its deep-brown equivalent.
“I hoped I was right but I had to ask to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, I do. You are drowning in insecurity, vagueness and suspicions. I know it’s a very tough time you are going through, but you have to have faith in life, you’re going to be okay.”
“They lied to me, Reid. They acted as if you’d never existed. I searched my entire things, nothing, not a fucking hint, no note, no photo, you know something like that.”
“Well, maybe it was you yourself - you know after our break-up, maybe you wanted to get rid of the memories.”
“No, Reid, I am a gatherer, I keep things.”
“I know…”
“See? I can’t understand why they did that. You said we were together for two years. Why did they want me to forget that?”
“I don’t know - maybe they tried to protect you…I am not a psychologist, Luke. I operate on brains, but I can’t read them.”
Now they chuckled both.
Suddenly Luke noticed Reid’s clothes. He looked as if he’d been ready to go out. He looked nice, good, handsome in his black jeans and sweater.
“Uhm - were you about to go out, when I showed up here?”
“Actually I wanted to go to my favorite place. I haven’t eaten yet. Want to join me?”
“Yes! If I think about it, I haven’t eaten either. On the plane I was so nervous - you know.”
“Or I could order something - you just got here.”
“I am fine with everything - maybe ordering in is a good thing - I am a bit tired.”
So it was a done deal that Reid ordered pizza and Luke and “his doctor” shared a meal the younger man considered the best thing he ever tasted. And another few hours later Luke lay on Reid Oliver’s couch sound asleep with a blanket securely wrapped around him and tender blue eyes watching over his sleep.
“I never stopped loving you, Luke. I couldn’t - although I tried very hard.”
A familiar voice whispered and soft fingertips were caressing Luke’s cheek.
As said before it took Luke quite a while to figure out that people who were supposed to tell him the truth lied to him. And when he finally saw through their carefully woven net of lies it changed everything.
“I can’t go back home, Reid. I can’t go back to Oakdale.”
“Stay then.”