[She can understand that much. A little of the anger even dissipates, or at least mingles with sympathy, although she remains tense. Poised, really, but for quite what was uncertain. However many things are unknown, though, it just sort of drives home the unfairness of their world; the Priscilla seems to be still very much a child, and that they cannot afford to be anything of the sort.
Weakness in humanity, it seems, and weakness without.]
Your curiosity is not something to be ashamed of. [They live with enough questions, after all.] Your method for gaining information, though, may have set us all at risk. Are you prepared for the consequences of what might happen?
I tried to ask other people, Galatea. I did. But no one knew her. Only rumors, and...
He was the only one who could tell me anything. And it isn't just that. When I came here, I believed everything the Organization ever told me, but now I... I barely believe anything.
Given that, how could I just assume he was everything people said? That he was nothing but a particularly strong yoma? He used to be one of us, and any of us could become like him. His power is just a... matter of chance. Like mine. And what if we're wrong?
How can you distrust the Organization, and know what they do, and what they've made us into... and still believe what they said about anything?
...I had to find out for myself. That's a reason, too.
[She takes a deep breath.]
I'm not prepared to Awaken. And I don't want to die. But that monster is inside me whether I know him or not. And it's always trying to come out. I've nearly Awakened twice since I arrived here, and he had nothing to do with it - he wasn't even here. It could happen with or
( ... )
I know what Riful did. But you can't just say one is the same as the other.
And... of course rules always apply. That's... why they're rules and not... guides. Or... suggestions!
[DEEP BREATH.]
And I guess it might. Make the chances higher. But I don't know. ...I probably would have lost control by now if it weren't for him. Because of that thing. Riful. Because she... she tormented me for months, and then she murdered Se-- And I couldn't do anything except keep draw on more and more power, and... it scared her away, but that just means she hates me more now. And with her here, and Senji here, and her hating me and knowing how I feel about him, even though we're not-- I can't...
If I didn't know he wouldn't let that bitch do anything I would have lost control two months ago.
And... after Senji died, when I was... alone and Arthur disappeared, and everyone kept trying to be so... nice and hugging me and bringing me things, and I just... I couldn't stand it. It made me so sad and so angry all the time and the more
( ... )
They do not. When we spoke of shades of grey before, Priscilla, it meant that rules can never be absolute. There is never one thought that can correctly apply to all situations, nor all individuals. Rules can be traps that encase us in impossible situations such as these, perhaps moreso than they can help us.
[There is a long, long silence.]
He has an emotional hold on you. Even with what you say, that is apparent. A reliance on him, feeling indebted to him, these are dangerous emotions. Dangerous emotions for anyone to have, let alone for you, an ally of his in the time that he is from, to have to an Abyssal. I cannot say I understand the depths of your losses; I have not been in a situation close enough, deep as my love for Rabona is.
That you allowed the correspondence to continue, however, is perhaps indication that you are... [Unstable. Mentally vulnerable. A concern. Need monitoring at all times. ]more vulnerable to him then you would like to think. [That is another very large concern.]Perhaps it would have been for the best
( ... )
You do not know how much of this should concern you?
If that is the truth then you are naive, Priscilla. If you do not concern yourself with the considerations of your awakening, all of Anatole might be doomed by the repercussions of these decision. Your... rules may not define this as a personal matter, nor one where bias is acceptable, but the realities of our world demand attention. Prior near misses, other instances of coming close to awakening are immaterial; the fact remains that you place yourself, and all of us here in a position of risk by bringing him still closer than he is at present. You have avoided awakening in the past, correct, but why bring the jeopardy still closer?
If you can endure the reality of that risk, and that responsibility, then there is little more I have to say on the matter.
voice; And now... PRIVATEyetsleepingNovember 21 2010, 21:50:24 UTC
...Galatea. Do you think it was wrong of me to become involved with Senji?
Because he was the reason I nearly Awakened. Both times. But I still didn't leave him... until he left me. I--
[Little breath.]
Everything I do makes me dangerous. Every friend I have, every... crush, every bad mood. It isn't that I want to become more dangerous, but don't I still need to be a person? I just feel like everyone always thinks of me by... what I could be instead of what I am, and I... I don't know. I understand it, but...
voice; PRIVATE and bsjsdf /half-asleepvisionblessingNovember 22 2010, 00:12:56 UTC
You still need to be a person. I... think that is one of the flaws of our creation. Our humanity is what makes us useful tools against yoma, and yet it is our very humanity that can leave us vulnerable to being overwhelmed by our abilities. This is what you must keep in mind; that need for balance
( ... )
voice; PRIVATE and /FEEDS YOU CAFFEINE. ... NOT SURE HOW THAT WORKS BUT...yetsleepingNovember 22 2010, 00:33:34 UTC
It's not that I think I need Isley in order for me to be a person. It's only that... all I ever hear is that I have to plan everything I do around minimizing the risk. It doesn't... help. It just...
It makes me feel awful. And... sad, and...
I tried to get balanced, once, but my teacher disappeared. I don't really know what to do.
And as for Isley specifically... I won't pretend he doesn't matter to me, but it really isn't about that. It's about... following my beliefs, as I always have. And it's about...
[A long pause. She takes a deep breath.]
...he told me he wants to be a better man, and not just a monster. That he wants to show that he can be and that he-- [Well, maybe don't share that part. She shakes a little.] --it's not like I didn't think about it. But how can I tell him no, after that? How can I tell him that he has to go back to being that beast? That I won't even give him a chance
( ... )
Reply
Weakness in humanity, it seems, and weakness without.]
Your curiosity is not something to be ashamed of. [They live with enough questions, after all.] Your method for gaining information, though, may have set us all at risk. Are you prepared for the consequences of what might happen?
Reply
He was the only one who could tell me anything. And it isn't just that. When I came here, I believed everything the Organization ever told me, but now I... I barely believe anything.
Given that, how could I just assume he was everything people said? That he was nothing but a particularly strong yoma? He used to be one of us, and any of us could become like him. His power is just a... matter of chance. Like mine. And what if we're wrong?
How can you distrust the Organization, and know what they do, and what they've made us into... and still believe what they said about anything?
...I had to find out for myself. That's a reason, too.
[She takes a deep breath.]
I'm not prepared to Awaken. And I don't want to die. But that monster is inside me whether I know him or not. And it's always trying to come out. I've nearly Awakened twice since I arrived here, and he had nothing to do with it - he wasn't even here. It could happen with or ( ... )
Reply
Reply
And... of course rules always apply. That's... why they're rules and not... guides. Or... suggestions!
[DEEP BREATH.]
And I guess it might. Make the chances higher. But I don't know. ...I probably would have lost control by now if it weren't for him. Because of that thing. Riful. Because she... she tormented me for months, and then she murdered Se-- And I couldn't do anything except keep draw on more and more power, and... it scared her away, but that just means she hates me more now. And with her here, and Senji here, and her hating me and knowing how I feel about him, even though we're not-- I can't...
If I didn't know he wouldn't let that bitch do anything I would have lost control two months ago.
And... after Senji died, when I was... alone and Arthur disappeared, and everyone kept trying to be so... nice and hugging me and bringing me things, and I just... I couldn't stand it. It made me so sad and so angry all the time and the more ( ... )
Reply
[There is a long, long silence.]
He has an emotional hold on you. Even with what you say, that is apparent. A reliance on him, feeling indebted to him, these are dangerous emotions. Dangerous emotions for anyone to have, let alone for you, an ally of his in the time that he is from, to have to an Abyssal. I cannot say I understand the depths of your losses; I have not been in a situation close enough, deep as my love for Rabona is.
That you allowed the correspondence to continue, however, is perhaps indication that you are... [Unstable. Mentally vulnerable. A concern. Need monitoring at all times. ]more vulnerable to him then you would like to think. [That is another very large concern.]Perhaps it would have been for the best ( ... )
Reply
I don't know how much of this should really be about me. But I will say that I...
It was not my impression that I could talk about this with much of anyone. I did try... a few times. It never really went well.
Reply
If that is the truth then you are naive, Priscilla. If you do not concern yourself with the considerations of your awakening, all of Anatole might be doomed by the repercussions of these decision. Your... rules may not define this as a personal matter, nor one where bias is acceptable, but the realities of our world demand attention. Prior near misses, other instances of coming close to awakening are immaterial; the fact remains that you place yourself, and all of us here in a position of risk by bringing him still closer than he is at present. You have avoided awakening in the past, correct, but why bring the jeopardy still closer?
If you can endure the reality of that risk, and that responsibility, then there is little more I have to say on the matter.
Reply
Because he was the reason I nearly Awakened. Both times. But I still didn't leave him... until he left me. I--
[Little breath.]
Everything I do makes me dangerous. Every friend I have, every... crush, every bad mood. It isn't that I want to become more dangerous, but don't I still need to be a person? I just feel like everyone always thinks of me by... what I could be instead of what I am, and I... I don't know. I understand it, but...
Reply
Reply
It makes me feel awful. And... sad, and...
I tried to get balanced, once, but my teacher disappeared. I don't really know what to do.
And as for Isley specifically... I won't pretend he doesn't matter to me, but it really isn't about that. It's about... following my beliefs, as I always have. And it's about...
[A long pause. She takes a deep breath.]
...he told me he wants to be a better man, and not just a monster. That he wants to show that he can be and that he-- [Well, maybe don't share that part. She shakes a little.] --it's not like I didn't think about it. But how can I tell him no, after that? How can I tell him that he has to go back to being that beast? That I won't even give him a chance ( ... )
Reply
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