/.waning.gibbous.\ {Broadcast Mind - Night}
[ Video .ii. memories within dreams ]
The room was dreadful. Becobwebbed and dusty, splintered and hollow, gashed with faint light between boards over every window. Seem to be of very rough wood, but are instead ripped, across and across, by something taloned that will eventually break through. The walls are torn too. The ceiling and floor moaned, perhaps in a wind from the distant outdoors, or perhaps in transition: a house on the edge of no longer being a house, ready to just give it up and cave into something else. There was no furniture except for a ghostly four-poster one corner, its mattress near-shredded and stained. And something upon it. Something that dreamed in fever flashes, quite mad...
mother praying to a god that didn't recognise him
not quite brother hiding a weapon behind his back
flight in the woods a haze of thought most terrible pain spread from arm to everywhere mindless euphoria
bloody rags of his father alive but irretrievable
Melpomene Pomma screaming in his ear, falling on the weapon, pulling herself onto it still harder, trying to drag J-Remus? into impalement with her or herself back to safety by him, either way, losing her grip
Remus jolted upright. He did not know what he knew yet, for he could see nothing. But had heard... had smelled... "Who's there?"
"Shhh," came the impossible voice. "It's all right, it's me."
Oh no "What are you doing here?" Remus sprang from the cot-forgetting his new strange litheness-not gone yet, but-
Two more shadows made their presence known by stepping sharply back. Peter whispered in shock, "Oh, fuck, look at him."
"Calm down," said Sirius. He stepped forward, hands spread, toward Remus, who shook still harder as he stared at them. Not just Sirius. All of them. All of them. "Calm down," Sirius repeated. "It's all right. We-"
"No" said Remus "no get out of here you idiots you don't-"
"Yeah!" said Sirius, wide eyes fixed steadily, "we do! It's all right. Trust us."
IHATEYOUHOWCOULDYOUDONTKNOWYOUFOOLYOU
At the top of his voice, energy flinging out of him so wildly the room seemed to shake, Remus screamed, "GET OUT!"
"No," said Sirius, frozen in place. "Trust me." His eyes bored into Remus's. No one else alive-for by the time his father had, he'd already changed-had ever looked into his eyes at this phase...
More quietly, more fervently, Sirius said to Remus, "Trust me."
Somewhere between beast and boy, an inhuman wail- "I'll kill you!" a statement-plea-howl. "Get out!"
"Sirius-" whispered James, edging forward.
Remus screamed in physical pain. He toppled and began to tear at everything around him. Sirius and James fell back beside Peter, their faces rendered blankly human
Then the viewer saw nothing, for Remus couldn't open his eyes. Not a dream. Don't know don't breathe don't see Audi, benigne Conditor, please God don't let this have happened.
Perhaps responding to his tears, a hand, unprecedentedly tentative, lit on an untorn piece of flesh. "Hey... hey, Loop. You're back."
Every inch and ounce of pain flew to that one point of touch. Alive. He would be. "Did I hurt anyone?" whispered Remus through claw-torn lips.
"We're all okay," said Sirius. His voice was unreadable because it was still slightly alien-being human...
Open eyes.
Sirius was sitting on the floor beside him. He thought he could see James and Peter in a corner of the room-as far away from him as possible. Remus couldn't tell until Sirius started to prop him up, and James came instantly forward to help, but they both had blood on them.
James and Sirius picked up the shredded Remus and half carried him down to the tunnel. Peter, almost too late to follow, finally moved as well. The four passed through the tunnel together in silence, until Peter had to stop and vomit. He didn't look at Remus the whole way.
i was his strongest link
he never learned what it meant
he thought i betrayed
maybe we wouldn't have lost him
he wouldn't have betrayed
sirius you bloody
And Remus didn't look at any of them.
I know what vanity that is. To imagine what Peter did was because of me. Certainly no more or less than because of Sirius and James. And Peter himself. I know that.
"It wasn't your fault," said the imaginary confessor.
"I know." He took her hand. "It was Sirius's.
"He was the one who was curious; stole my file; decided the reasonable thing to do was become an animagus and get the other two to do so as well. Kept it a secret from me for three years. Took them here on this night, the only one with the faintest real idea of what they'd encounter. If I'd killed Peter-and I almost did, he couldn't change-it would have been his fault. Even though he and James fighting me off were what prevented it. Even though it resulted in the happiest years of my life. Even if he did it... out of... I suppose, love."
There she was again.
Green eyes enveloped him in a warmth like home
Hand so light on his on the bed
Hair reflecting the emblem red
Saying the things that had brought him back from the brink, when leaving the infirmary he'd locked himself in his room, tested his magic for the first time in earnest against James and Sirius when they tried to get in, opening his shields only, not at all at will, to her, when she came with the lightest of knocks and calling his name
Managed to tell her nothing but heard her comprehend everything-
You do them the same disservice you do yourself. No matter how awful the secret, there's more to you. They see it. They've accepted you, whatever else there is. And you know they're too bullheaded to change their minds. I don't know what it is, you don't have to tell me, but tell them. Don't let it own you, then it will be all anyone can see. And I don't want that. Believe me.
In life he'd turned away; she had none of it, resting her head on his shoulder, putting her arms around him, so that he buried his face in her hair and wept.
In dream he held her, and what happened from that point forward never was, could not be worried over...
But Harry could never not be James's son.
* * *
Lily never knew, but I do.
* * *
[ pure sensation .iii. final phase ]
I'm sitting with Dora under a tree.
She's holding something I no longer see.
Her: "It feels wrong to be this happy."
Me: "Isn't that my line?"
Her: "No. You've earned it."
Me: "I don't know what I ever did to earn you."
Her: "Don't worry, you didn't." Grins demonically and kisses me like I've never been kissed except by her.
Me: "Good. At least we're clear on that."
I can't have forgotten. It's so, so important. How can I have forgotten.
She's so clear but there's something lost.
She's lost. She's dea
[/forge connection severed as he suddenly wakes/]
The room was dreadful. Becobwebbed and dusty, splintered and hollow, gashed with faint light between boards over every window. Seem to be of very rough wood, but are instead ripped, across and across, by something taloned that will eventually break through. The walls are torn too. The ceiling and floor moaned, perhaps in a wind from the distant outdoors, or perhaps in transition: a house on the edge of no longer being a house, ready to just give it up and cave into something else. There was no furniture except for a ghostly four-poster one corner, its mattress near-shredded and stained. And something upon it. Something that dreamed in fever flashes, quite mad...
mother praying to a god that didn't recognise him
not quite brother hiding a weapon behind his back
flight in the woods a haze of thought most terrible pain spread from arm to everywhere mindless euphoria
bloody rags of his father alive but irretrievable
Melpomene Pomma screaming in his ear, falling on the weapon, pulling herself onto it still harder, trying to drag J-Remus? into impalement with her or herself back to safety by him, either way, losing her grip
Remus jolted upright. He did not know what he knew yet, for he could see nothing. But had heard... had smelled... "Who's there?"
"Shhh," came the impossible voice. "It's all right, it's me."
Oh no "What are you doing here?" Remus sprang from the cot-forgetting his new strange litheness-not gone yet, but-
Two more shadows made their presence known by stepping sharply back. Peter whispered in shock, "Oh, fuck, look at him."
"Calm down," said Sirius. He stepped forward, hands spread, toward Remus, who shook still harder as he stared at them. Not just Sirius. All of them. All of them. "Calm down," Sirius repeated. "It's all right. We-"
"No" said Remus "no get out of here you idiots you don't-"
"Yeah!" said Sirius, wide eyes fixed steadily, "we do! It's all right. Trust us."
IHATEYOUHOWCOULDYOUDONTKNOWYOUFOOLYOU
At the top of his voice, energy flinging out of him so wildly the room seemed to shake, Remus screamed, "GET OUT!"
"No," said Sirius, frozen in place. "Trust me." His eyes bored into Remus's. No one else alive-for by the time his father had, he'd already changed-had ever looked into his eyes at this phase...
More quietly, more fervently, Sirius said to Remus, "Trust me."
Somewhere between beast and boy, an inhuman wail- "I'll kill you!" a statement-plea-howl. "Get out!"
"Sirius-" whispered James, edging forward.
Remus screamed in physical pain. He toppled and began to tear at everything around him. Sirius and James fell back beside Peter, their faces rendered blankly human
Then the viewer saw nothing, for Remus couldn't open his eyes. Not a dream. Don't know don't breathe don't see Audi, benigne Conditor, please God don't let this have happened.
Perhaps responding to his tears, a hand, unprecedentedly tentative, lit on an untorn piece of flesh. "Hey... hey, Loop. You're back."
Every inch and ounce of pain flew to that one point of touch. Alive. He would be. "Did I hurt anyone?" whispered Remus through claw-torn lips.
"We're all okay," said Sirius. His voice was unreadable because it was still slightly alien-being human...
Open eyes.
Sirius was sitting on the floor beside him. He thought he could see James and Peter in a corner of the room-as far away from him as possible. Remus couldn't tell until Sirius started to prop him up, and James came instantly forward to help, but they both had blood on them.
James and Sirius picked up the shredded Remus and half carried him down to the tunnel. Peter, almost too late to follow, finally moved as well. The four passed through the tunnel together in silence, until Peter had to stop and vomit. He didn't look at Remus the whole way.
i was his strongest link
he never learned what it meant
he thought i betrayed
maybe we wouldn't have lost him
he wouldn't have betrayed
sirius you bloody
And Remus didn't look at any of them.
I know what vanity that is. To imagine what Peter did was because of me. Certainly no more or less than because of Sirius and James. And Peter himself. I know that.
"It wasn't your fault," said the imaginary confessor.
"I know." He took her hand. "It was Sirius's.
"He was the one who was curious; stole my file; decided the reasonable thing to do was become an animagus and get the other two to do so as well. Kept it a secret from me for three years. Took them here on this night, the only one with the faintest real idea of what they'd encounter. If I'd killed Peter-and I almost did, he couldn't change-it would have been his fault. Even though he and James fighting me off were what prevented it. Even though it resulted in the happiest years of my life. Even if he did it... out of... I suppose, love."
There she was again.
Green eyes enveloped him in a warmth like home
Hand so light on his on the bed
Hair reflecting the emblem red
Saying the things that had brought him back from the brink, when leaving the infirmary he'd locked himself in his room, tested his magic for the first time in earnest against James and Sirius when they tried to get in, opening his shields only, not at all at will, to her, when she came with the lightest of knocks and calling his name
Managed to tell her nothing but heard her comprehend everything-
You do them the same disservice you do yourself. No matter how awful the secret, there's more to you. They see it. They've accepted you, whatever else there is. And you know they're too bullheaded to change their minds. I don't know what it is, you don't have to tell me, but tell them. Don't let it own you, then it will be all anyone can see. And I don't want that. Believe me.
In life he'd turned away; she had none of it, resting her head on his shoulder, putting her arms around him, so that he buried his face in her hair and wept.
In dream he held her, and what happened from that point forward never was, could not be worried over...
But Harry could never not be James's son.
* * *
Lily never knew, but I do.
* * *
[ pure sensation .iii. final phase ]
I'm sitting with Dora under a tree.
She's holding something I no longer see.
Her: "It feels wrong to be this happy."
Me: "Isn't that my line?"
Her: "No. You've earned it."
Me: "I don't know what I ever did to earn you."
Her: "Don't worry, you didn't." Grins demonically and kisses me like I've never been kissed except by her.
Me: "Good. At least we're clear on that."
I can't have forgotten. It's so, so important. How can I have forgotten.
She's so clear but there's something lost.
She's lost. She's dea
[/forge connection severed as he suddenly wakes/]