Harry Potter and The Musical Extravaganza
That's right kids. Someone had to do it at some point didn't they? I present you
Once More With Cursing by Miss Kitty
JKR: Yes folks, that’s right. I have sold out entirely and gone for a musical movie. Sod the books- did you know I have to write seven? It took me two years to do book five! I probably won’t live to finish the last one! Well, they told me the kids are getting older and considerably less cute (especially the Weasley twins) and that musicals always make so much more money, what with the soundtracks and scores and sheet music… Anyway, here it is. Enjoy it. Or go home, you know, either way I’m worth more than the Queen.
[Privet Drive, night, the day before school starts. Harry is sitting at his window with Dobby beside him.]
HARRY: Every single summer, the same arrangement
I come home to Privet Drive
Still I always feel their magic hatred
Nothing here is good nothing here is nice.
I’ve been making shows of avoiding Dudley’s blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
Waiting for school to start
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
I am always brave, annoyingly courageous
Now I find I’m wavering
Faced with my fat cousin
You’ll find all that magic just doesn’t mean a thing.
DOBBY: He ain’t got that swing.
[pause]
HARRY: Thanks for noticing.
DOBBY: He does pretty well
With Dementors from hell
But lately I can tell
That he’s just going through the motions
Losing it some how.
He’s not even have the boy he- Naughty Dobby! To speak ill of the great Harry Potter! [bashes head against wall] ow!
HARRY: Will I stay this way forever?
Sleep walk through my next adventure?
DOBBY: Oh Mr Potter sir, how can I repay-
HARRY: Whatever!
I don’t want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can’t even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!
DOBBY: What was all that singing about Harry Potter sir?
HARRY: [looks suitably cute and suspicious, in a wooden sort of way] I don’t know Dobby, I don’t know. [Rubs scar in a significant manner].
[Fade to black]
[Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It’s busy, packed with parents and children in their robes. We follow HARRY as he makes his way along the platform and bumps into RON and HERMIONE.
HERMIONE: [In an annoyingly high-pitched, overly enunciated tone] Harry! How are you!? How was your summer?! [smothers him]
HARRY: Fine thanks Hermione, you?
HERMIONE: Good!
RON: [looking uncomfortable] Hello Harry.
HARRY: [also looking uncomfortable] Hello Ron. [coughs] Um, did anyone, you know. Find themselves suddenly bursting into song?
HERMIONE: Well, now that you mention it…
RON: [Looking significantly relieved] I thought it was just me!
HARRY: [Grinning] What do you think it means?
HERMIONE: I’m not sure, but I think we should definitely ask Professor Dumbledore about it when we get to Hogwarts.
HARRY: [Sighing in what, if he wasn’t talking about a castle, would most definitely be a pervy manner] Ahh, Hogwarts.
[Cut to The Great Hall. The trio are there as are all the students and staff.]
DUMBLEDORE: I’ve been very worried about this recent trend towards breaking into song.
MCGONAGAL: What do you think it is, headmaster?
DUMBLEDORE: Well… [clears throat] I’ve got a theory
That it’s a fever
A vocal fever, no something isn’t right there.
MCGONAGAL: I’ve got a theory
That it’s a student prank
And I suggest we get Fred and George right down here
RON: I’ve got a theory we should work this out
ALL: It’s getting eerie what’s this cheery singing all about?
DRACO: [Jumping to his feet]
It could be mudbloods
Some dirty mudbloods
[DUMBLEDORE gives him a warning look]
Which is ridiculous
‘Cause mudbloods they were persecuted
Muggles nice and Volde bad
And love on earth
And I’ll be over here
SNAPE: I’ve got a theory
It could be Gryffindors!
[Neville chewing]
HAGRID: I’ve got a th-
SNAPE: [fireworks go off, rock music sounds]
Gryffindors aren’t nice like everybody supposes!
They got those arrogant moods and oh-so-brave little poses
And what’s with all the red-heads?
What has Mrs Weasley been feeding them anyway?
Gryffindors! Gryffindors! It must be Gryffindors!
Or maybe Hufflepuffs.
MCGONAGAL: I’ve got a theory
We should work this fast
[DUMBLEDORE joins in]
Because it clearly could get serious
Before it’s past!
HARRY: I’ve got a theory
It doesn’t matter!
What can’t we face if we’re together?
What’s in this castle that we can’t weather?
Voldemort
We’ve all been there
The same old wars
Why should we care?
ALL: What can’t we do if we get in it?
We’ll see it through within a minute
We have to try
We’ll pay the price
It’s do or die
HARRY: Hey, I’ve escaped death MORE than twice!
ALL: What can’t we face if we’re together?
What’s in this castle that we can’t weather?
There’s nothing we can’t face!
RON: [muttering] Except for spiders.
DUMBLEDORE: Don’t panic everyone! Go about your normal business, classes will continue as usual! Staff, a meeting in my office, right away.
[Cut to The Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY and HERMIONE are sitting in front of the fire.]
HARRY: Hermione, did you hear from Viktor over the summer?
HERMIONE: Oh, once or twice….
HARRY: He really likes you, you know.
HERMIONE: [Jumping to her feet] Oh Harry! No one ever looked twice at me before I met you! This is all because of you!
I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didn’t seem so sad though
My buck teeth really were a disgrace
Now I’m bathed in light
Something just isn’t right
I’m under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
It’s magic I can tell
How you set me free
Brought me out so easily
I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
I always took for granted
I could hide behind my frizzy hair
But your power shone [HARRY looks puzzled]
Brighter than any I’d known
I’m under your spell
Nothing I can do
I have to share this tower with you
You worked your charm so well
Finally I knew
Everything I dreamed was true
You make me believe
The moon to the tide
I can feel you inside
I’m under your spell
Surging like the sea
Holding you so helplessly [HARRY looks panicked]
I break with every swell
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my Harry tree [HARRY looks perplexed]
You make me complete!
You make me complete!
You make me com-
HARRY: [Cutting in] I’m sorry Hermione, but there is simply no textual evidence that you and me have got anything going on. In fact all the evidence points towards you and Ron, you know. [HERMIONE shrugs, then nods.] You really ought to learn not to believe everything you read, especially not from those dodgy H/H websites.
HERMIONE: I guess you’re right. [Laughing] I mean, there’s more evidence for you and Crookshanks!
HARRY: [Laughs uncomfortably] Yeah, crazy idea…
[Cut to: somewhere in the English countryside, Lupin’s cottage, Sirius and Remus are just getting out of bed.]
REMUS: This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn’t he fine? [audience appreciates Sirius in his boxers, nods vigorously]
My claim to fame was my wolfish desire to mangle
And I was good at teaching
Now I’m out of that biz
The name I made I’ll trade for his
The only trouble is
I’ll never tell.
SIRIUS: He is the one
He’s such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I’m right in his tight
Embrace! Tight embrace! [winks impishly]
I’ll never let him go
The love we’ve known can only grow
There’s just one thing that
No. I’ll never tell.
BOTH: ‘Cause there’s nothing to tell.
REMUS: He’s hairy
SIRIUS: He’s hairier
REMUS: He’s a convicted murderer
SIRIUS: At that time of the month he’s a real big pain in the a-
REMUS: I talk, he reminisces
SIRIUS: He doesn’t know what pleases!
REMUS: [angry face] The stone cold floors of Azkaban gave him piles!
BOTH: The vibe gets kind of scary
SIRIUS: Like he really thinks I’m guilty
REMUS: Like any moment he might kill me
SIRIUS: Like his back gets kinda hairy
BOTH: But it’s all very well!
‘Cause God knows I’ll never tell.
REMUS: When things get rough he
Just turns into a puppy!
Now look he’s getting huffy
‘Cause he knows that I know!
SIRIUS: He howls, he’s weedy
He’s also really kinky!
He likes me to-
REMUS: His motorbike is rusty!
SIRIUS: This is my verse, hello?
He-
REMUS: [Dancing] Look at me! I’m dancing crazy!
BOTH: I lied
I said it’s easy
I’ve tried
But there’s these fears I can’t quell
SIRIUS: Is he looking at my Gringotts vault?
REMUS: Will I go bald when I’ve gotten old?
SIRIUS: Will our lives become to stressful when the Ministry comes a-knocking?
REMUS: Will I get so old and hairless that I look like Tom from the Leaky Cauldron?
SIRIUS: Am I crazy?
REMUS: Am I dreaming?
SIRIUS: Am I living with a werewolf?
BOTH: We could really raise the beam on making gay liaisons a hell
So thank God I’ll never tell.
I swear that I’ll never tell.
I’ll never
Tell.
SIRIUS: Ok, that was weird.
REMUS: I think He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is behind this.
SIRIUS: Harry might be in danger! We should get to the school right away!
REMUS: Certainly as soon as possible.
SIRIUS: Right.
REMUS: Yes.
[They jump back into bed]
[Cut to HARRY and DRACO on the Quidditch Pitch. Both have been doing some practise.]
DRACO: What are you doing here Potter? Checking out the competition?
HARRY: Actually I was out here first.
DRACO: Er yeah. Right. Well, push off. I want to use the air space, and I don’t want to share it with the likes of you.
HARRY: I’ve escaped death so many times you know
DRACO: Pity you did.
HARRY: But you can make me feel like it isn’t so
And why you come to be mean to me
I think I finally know
Mmm-mmm.
DRACO: Have you finally cracked? I always knew the Boy Who Lived was off his rocker!
HARRY: You’re scared
Afraid of what you feel
You can’t tell your own friends
You know they couldn’t deal
A whisper in a Gryffindor’s ear
It doesn’t make it real
Mmm-mmm
Well that’s great
But I don’t wanna play
‘Cause being with you touches me
More than I can say
And since I’m just a Gryffindor to you
I’m saying stay away!
And let me fly in peace!
[DRACO looks shocked, confused and furious]
Let me fly in peace
Let me get some practise in
Let me Wronski Feint and Loop-de-loop
‘Til I land on my feet
I can put this wood between my legs [DRACO sniggers]
But I can’t get no sweet release [DRACO sniggers more]
So let me fly in peace!
[DRACO walks off]
HARRY: Right! Yeah! Go on, then, you big pussy!
JKR: Harry! This is a PG!
MAN FROM THE VIEWING STANDARDS: Nah, that’s okay. We allow all sorts of stuff in PGs nowadays.
[Cut to Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY enters, still holding his broom, completely naked.]
MAN FROM THE VIEWING STANDARDS: Ahem! We draw the line at full frontal nudity in pre-pubescents!
[Cut to Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY enters, still holding his broom, completely clothed. He looks mightily pissed off. Well actually, he looks like normal, but we can tell from the music and the lighting and the way he’s wiggling his brow in what we think is a meaningful manner that he’s pissed off.]
HARRY: That’s it! I’ve had just about enough of this stupid singing! Voldemort’s [gasp] behind this! I know he is! And I’m going to stop him! Is anyone with me?
[Silence reigns in the Common Room]
HARRY: He’s holding Ginny hostage!
GINNY: No he isn’t, I’m right here. That was book two.
RON: I think this might be one of those things you ought to do by yourself Harry. No one wants to end up like Cedric, do they?
HARRY: Fine! Then I’ll go by myself!
HERMIONE: How do you know where he is?
HARRY: I’m the hero! I always know where the bad guy is! I shall use my scar like a homing device. You know, warmer… warmer… burning! Burning! He’s here!
GINNY: Oh Harry! Be careful!
RON: Shut up Ginny! You’re way too young for him and mum would go beserk!
HARRY: Not to mention your hair clashes with my robes.
[HARRY throws down his broom, draws his wand and storms out of the Tower]
[Cut to the Music rooms, night. A torch is burning on the wall outside the door]
HARRY: [Holding his hand to the flame]
I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it’s black
Why can’t I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
Sod all this magic crap
Now through the smoke, he calls to me
To make my away across the flames
To save the day, and collect my enormous pay
I guess it’s the same as last year
So I will walk though the fire
That’s a scarred kid’s lot in life
So I will walk through the fire
And let it
DRACO: This torch I bear is scorching me
And Harry’s laughing I’ve no doubt
I hope he fries! I’m free if that kid dies!
I’d better help him out.
VOLDEMORT: ‘Cause he is drawn to the fire
Some people never learn
And he will walk through the fire
And let it
HERMIONE: Will Harry survive this years encounter?
Am I leaving book six in danger?
Is my friend too far gone to care?
[SIRIUS and REMUS burst through the door looking frantic and more than a little dishevelled.]
SIRIUS: What if Harry can’t defeat it?
REMUS: Rusty bike is right we’re needed! Or we could just sit around and glare [looks at RON]
ALL: We’ll see it through
It’s what we’re always here to do
So we will walk through the fire
HARRY: So one by one they turn from me
I guess my friends got bored of the same hitch
By why I do this every year, not one among them will hear!
I guess I’m just evil’s bitch.
REMUS: He came from Cedric’s grave much graver!
DRACO: First Volde’ll kill him, then I’ll save him
HERMIONE: Everything is turning out so dark
DRACO: No I’ll save him, then I’ll kill him!
RON: I think this line’s mostly filler
SIRIUS: That’s ‘cause you Weasley’s are tone deaf
HARRY: These endless books are finally ending in a blaze
ALL: And we are caught in the fire
The point of no return
So we will walk through the fire
And let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn
[Harry blows open the door]
VOLDEMORT: Showtime!
HARRY: [Facing Voldemort and starting a little dance routine]
Life’s a book (now a film)
And we all play our parts
And when the music starts
We open up our hearts
It’s alright if some characters are killed off
We’ll wade through angsty fluff
‘Cause Sirius is real buff
Where I am, there’s trouble
Accidents and rubble
Threat of being expelled
Whistle while you work so hard all day
To get through another year
To avoid the pain and fear
Don’t give me songs
Don’t give me songs
Give me something new to sing about
I need something new to sing about!
This life’s a song
I keep having to rehearse
And every single verse
Makes it that much worse
Still my friends follow me every book
They just want a look
At all the money that I took
All the luck I get
Although my family is dead
All the good grades and praise
Despite the hell I raise
Surviving without a graze
But we she let me go?
Will I do this until I leave school?
Please JKR
Please JKR
So give me something to sing about!
Please, give me something!
[HARRY dances crazily, starting to go up in smoke, DRACO runs in a hits him over the head with a beater’s bat]
DRACO: For God’s sake, shut up! You can’t sing!
VOLDEMORT: Mwahahaha! I shall kill you all!
HERMIONE: [running forwards] Ahem, I’m sorry but you can’t do that.
VOLDEMORT: Why not? I have you all exactly where I want you- at my mercy. Mwahaha-
RON: She’s right.
HERMIONE: You see this is only book five. We’ve got two more to go. We can’t have Harry Potter and the Something Intriguing if he’s dead, can we?
VOLDEMORT: [Considers this] Yeah, I see your point. Okay, I’ll settle for just leaving in a plume of smoke.
ALL: Yeah, good idea.
[VOLDEMORT vanishes in a plume of smoke. The others stand in silence.]
GINNY: Where do we go from here?
ALL: Where do we go from here?
RON: The battle’s done and we kinda won
[HERMIONE joins in] So we sound our victory cheer
Where do we go from here?
ALL: Why is the plot unclear?
When we know book seven is near?
Understand we’ll go hand in hand
But we’ll walk alone in fear
Where do we go from here?
When does the end appear?
DRACO: Bugger this. [waves and winks at the slashers in the audience]
ALL: When will Mrs Figg get here?
The curtains close on a some mixed up kids
We can tell the end is near…
[Cut to outside in the corridor, HARRY runs after DRACO]
HARRY: Draco wait!
DRACO: Go away, Potter. I turned up to watch Him kill you, but he didn’t, so now I’m going-
HARRY: I touch the fire and it freezes me
DRACO: Are you attempting a heart felt duet? Because you know, I haven’t sung anything yet.
HARRY: [Looks sheepish] Oh right, yeah. Right, never mind then.
[DRACO walks off, HARRY is left alone in the corridor]
ALL: Where do we go from here?
JKR: Well I was thinking a black and white silent movie myself…
ALL: She’s evil! Nooooo!
JKR: Mwahahaha! [vanishes in a plume of smoke]
AUDIENCE: Well that was weird. But did you see Sirius in his boxers? Well worth it.
Once More With Cursing by Miss Kitty
JKR: Yes folks, that’s right. I have sold out entirely and gone for a musical movie. Sod the books- did you know I have to write seven? It took me two years to do book five! I probably won’t live to finish the last one! Well, they told me the kids are getting older and considerably less cute (especially the Weasley twins) and that musicals always make so much more money, what with the soundtracks and scores and sheet music… Anyway, here it is. Enjoy it. Or go home, you know, either way I’m worth more than the Queen.
[Privet Drive, night, the day before school starts. Harry is sitting at his window with Dobby beside him.]
HARRY: Every single summer, the same arrangement
I come home to Privet Drive
Still I always feel their magic hatred
Nothing here is good nothing here is nice.
I’ve been making shows of avoiding Dudley’s blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
Waiting for school to start
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
I am always brave, annoyingly courageous
Now I find I’m wavering
Faced with my fat cousin
You’ll find all that magic just doesn’t mean a thing.
DOBBY: He ain’t got that swing.
[pause]
HARRY: Thanks for noticing.
DOBBY: He does pretty well
With Dementors from hell
But lately I can tell
That he’s just going through the motions
Losing it some how.
He’s not even have the boy he- Naughty Dobby! To speak ill of the great Harry Potter! [bashes head against wall] ow!
HARRY: Will I stay this way forever?
Sleep walk through my next adventure?
DOBBY: Oh Mr Potter sir, how can I repay-
HARRY: Whatever!
I don’t want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can’t even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!
DOBBY: What was all that singing about Harry Potter sir?
HARRY: [looks suitably cute and suspicious, in a wooden sort of way] I don’t know Dobby, I don’t know. [Rubs scar in a significant manner].
[Fade to black]
[Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It’s busy, packed with parents and children in their robes. We follow HARRY as he makes his way along the platform and bumps into RON and HERMIONE.
HERMIONE: [In an annoyingly high-pitched, overly enunciated tone] Harry! How are you!? How was your summer?! [smothers him]
HARRY: Fine thanks Hermione, you?
HERMIONE: Good!
RON: [looking uncomfortable] Hello Harry.
HARRY: [also looking uncomfortable] Hello Ron. [coughs] Um, did anyone, you know. Find themselves suddenly bursting into song?
HERMIONE: Well, now that you mention it…
RON: [Looking significantly relieved] I thought it was just me!
HARRY: [Grinning] What do you think it means?
HERMIONE: I’m not sure, but I think we should definitely ask Professor Dumbledore about it when we get to Hogwarts.
HARRY: [Sighing in what, if he wasn’t talking about a castle, would most definitely be a pervy manner] Ahh, Hogwarts.
[Cut to The Great Hall. The trio are there as are all the students and staff.]
DUMBLEDORE: I’ve been very worried about this recent trend towards breaking into song.
MCGONAGAL: What do you think it is, headmaster?
DUMBLEDORE: Well… [clears throat] I’ve got a theory
That it’s a fever
A vocal fever, no something isn’t right there.
MCGONAGAL: I’ve got a theory
That it’s a student prank
And I suggest we get Fred and George right down here
RON: I’ve got a theory we should work this out
ALL: It’s getting eerie what’s this cheery singing all about?
DRACO: [Jumping to his feet]
It could be mudbloods
Some dirty mudbloods
[DUMBLEDORE gives him a warning look]
Which is ridiculous
‘Cause mudbloods they were persecuted
Muggles nice and Volde bad
And love on earth
And I’ll be over here
SNAPE: I’ve got a theory
It could be Gryffindors!
[Neville chewing]
HAGRID: I’ve got a th-
SNAPE: [fireworks go off, rock music sounds]
Gryffindors aren’t nice like everybody supposes!
They got those arrogant moods and oh-so-brave little poses
And what’s with all the red-heads?
What has Mrs Weasley been feeding them anyway?
Gryffindors! Gryffindors! It must be Gryffindors!
Or maybe Hufflepuffs.
MCGONAGAL: I’ve got a theory
We should work this fast
[DUMBLEDORE joins in]
Because it clearly could get serious
Before it’s past!
HARRY: I’ve got a theory
It doesn’t matter!
What can’t we face if we’re together?
What’s in this castle that we can’t weather?
Voldemort
We’ve all been there
The same old wars
Why should we care?
ALL: What can’t we do if we get in it?
We’ll see it through within a minute
We have to try
We’ll pay the price
It’s do or die
HARRY: Hey, I’ve escaped death MORE than twice!
ALL: What can’t we face if we’re together?
What’s in this castle that we can’t weather?
There’s nothing we can’t face!
RON: [muttering] Except for spiders.
DUMBLEDORE: Don’t panic everyone! Go about your normal business, classes will continue as usual! Staff, a meeting in my office, right away.
[Cut to The Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY and HERMIONE are sitting in front of the fire.]
HARRY: Hermione, did you hear from Viktor over the summer?
HERMIONE: Oh, once or twice….
HARRY: He really likes you, you know.
HERMIONE: [Jumping to her feet] Oh Harry! No one ever looked twice at me before I met you! This is all because of you!
I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didn’t seem so sad though
My buck teeth really were a disgrace
Now I’m bathed in light
Something just isn’t right
I’m under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
It’s magic I can tell
How you set me free
Brought me out so easily
I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
I always took for granted
I could hide behind my frizzy hair
But your power shone [HARRY looks puzzled]
Brighter than any I’d known
I’m under your spell
Nothing I can do
I have to share this tower with you
You worked your charm so well
Finally I knew
Everything I dreamed was true
You make me believe
The moon to the tide
I can feel you inside
I’m under your spell
Surging like the sea
Holding you so helplessly [HARRY looks panicked]
I break with every swell
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my Harry tree [HARRY looks perplexed]
You make me complete!
You make me complete!
You make me com-
HARRY: [Cutting in] I’m sorry Hermione, but there is simply no textual evidence that you and me have got anything going on. In fact all the evidence points towards you and Ron, you know. [HERMIONE shrugs, then nods.] You really ought to learn not to believe everything you read, especially not from those dodgy H/H websites.
HERMIONE: I guess you’re right. [Laughing] I mean, there’s more evidence for you and Crookshanks!
HARRY: [Laughs uncomfortably] Yeah, crazy idea…
[Cut to: somewhere in the English countryside, Lupin’s cottage, Sirius and Remus are just getting out of bed.]
REMUS: This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn’t he fine? [audience appreciates Sirius in his boxers, nods vigorously]
My claim to fame was my wolfish desire to mangle
And I was good at teaching
Now I’m out of that biz
The name I made I’ll trade for his
The only trouble is
I’ll never tell.
SIRIUS: He is the one
He’s such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I’m right in his tight
Embrace! Tight embrace! [winks impishly]
I’ll never let him go
The love we’ve known can only grow
There’s just one thing that
No. I’ll never tell.
BOTH: ‘Cause there’s nothing to tell.
REMUS: He’s hairy
SIRIUS: He’s hairier
REMUS: He’s a convicted murderer
SIRIUS: At that time of the month he’s a real big pain in the a-
REMUS: I talk, he reminisces
SIRIUS: He doesn’t know what pleases!
REMUS: [angry face] The stone cold floors of Azkaban gave him piles!
BOTH: The vibe gets kind of scary
SIRIUS: Like he really thinks I’m guilty
REMUS: Like any moment he might kill me
SIRIUS: Like his back gets kinda hairy
BOTH: But it’s all very well!
‘Cause God knows I’ll never tell.
REMUS: When things get rough he
Just turns into a puppy!
Now look he’s getting huffy
‘Cause he knows that I know!
SIRIUS: He howls, he’s weedy
He’s also really kinky!
He likes me to-
REMUS: His motorbike is rusty!
SIRIUS: This is my verse, hello?
He-
REMUS: [Dancing] Look at me! I’m dancing crazy!
BOTH: I lied
I said it’s easy
I’ve tried
But there’s these fears I can’t quell
SIRIUS: Is he looking at my Gringotts vault?
REMUS: Will I go bald when I’ve gotten old?
SIRIUS: Will our lives become to stressful when the Ministry comes a-knocking?
REMUS: Will I get so old and hairless that I look like Tom from the Leaky Cauldron?
SIRIUS: Am I crazy?
REMUS: Am I dreaming?
SIRIUS: Am I living with a werewolf?
BOTH: We could really raise the beam on making gay liaisons a hell
So thank God I’ll never tell.
I swear that I’ll never tell.
I’ll never
Tell.
SIRIUS: Ok, that was weird.
REMUS: I think He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is behind this.
SIRIUS: Harry might be in danger! We should get to the school right away!
REMUS: Certainly as soon as possible.
SIRIUS: Right.
REMUS: Yes.
[They jump back into bed]
[Cut to HARRY and DRACO on the Quidditch Pitch. Both have been doing some practise.]
DRACO: What are you doing here Potter? Checking out the competition?
HARRY: Actually I was out here first.
DRACO: Er yeah. Right. Well, push off. I want to use the air space, and I don’t want to share it with the likes of you.
HARRY: I’ve escaped death so many times you know
DRACO: Pity you did.
HARRY: But you can make me feel like it isn’t so
And why you come to be mean to me
I think I finally know
Mmm-mmm.
DRACO: Have you finally cracked? I always knew the Boy Who Lived was off his rocker!
HARRY: You’re scared
Afraid of what you feel
You can’t tell your own friends
You know they couldn’t deal
A whisper in a Gryffindor’s ear
It doesn’t make it real
Mmm-mmm
Well that’s great
But I don’t wanna play
‘Cause being with you touches me
More than I can say
And since I’m just a Gryffindor to you
I’m saying stay away!
And let me fly in peace!
[DRACO looks shocked, confused and furious]
Let me fly in peace
Let me get some practise in
Let me Wronski Feint and Loop-de-loop
‘Til I land on my feet
I can put this wood between my legs [DRACO sniggers]
But I can’t get no sweet release [DRACO sniggers more]
So let me fly in peace!
[DRACO walks off]
HARRY: Right! Yeah! Go on, then, you big pussy!
JKR: Harry! This is a PG!
MAN FROM THE VIEWING STANDARDS: Nah, that’s okay. We allow all sorts of stuff in PGs nowadays.
[Cut to Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY enters, still holding his broom, completely naked.]
MAN FROM THE VIEWING STANDARDS: Ahem! We draw the line at full frontal nudity in pre-pubescents!
[Cut to Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY enters, still holding his broom, completely clothed. He looks mightily pissed off. Well actually, he looks like normal, but we can tell from the music and the lighting and the way he’s wiggling his brow in what we think is a meaningful manner that he’s pissed off.]
HARRY: That’s it! I’ve had just about enough of this stupid singing! Voldemort’s [gasp] behind this! I know he is! And I’m going to stop him! Is anyone with me?
[Silence reigns in the Common Room]
HARRY: He’s holding Ginny hostage!
GINNY: No he isn’t, I’m right here. That was book two.
RON: I think this might be one of those things you ought to do by yourself Harry. No one wants to end up like Cedric, do they?
HARRY: Fine! Then I’ll go by myself!
HERMIONE: How do you know where he is?
HARRY: I’m the hero! I always know where the bad guy is! I shall use my scar like a homing device. You know, warmer… warmer… burning! Burning! He’s here!
GINNY: Oh Harry! Be careful!
RON: Shut up Ginny! You’re way too young for him and mum would go beserk!
HARRY: Not to mention your hair clashes with my robes.
[HARRY throws down his broom, draws his wand and storms out of the Tower]
[Cut to the Music rooms, night. A torch is burning on the wall outside the door]
HARRY: [Holding his hand to the flame]
I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it’s black
Why can’t I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
Sod all this magic crap
Now through the smoke, he calls to me
To make my away across the flames
To save the day, and collect my enormous pay
I guess it’s the same as last year
So I will walk though the fire
That’s a scarred kid’s lot in life
So I will walk through the fire
And let it
DRACO: This torch I bear is scorching me
And Harry’s laughing I’ve no doubt
I hope he fries! I’m free if that kid dies!
I’d better help him out.
VOLDEMORT: ‘Cause he is drawn to the fire
Some people never learn
And he will walk through the fire
And let it
HERMIONE: Will Harry survive this years encounter?
Am I leaving book six in danger?
Is my friend too far gone to care?
[SIRIUS and REMUS burst through the door looking frantic and more than a little dishevelled.]
SIRIUS: What if Harry can’t defeat it?
REMUS: Rusty bike is right we’re needed! Or we could just sit around and glare [looks at RON]
ALL: We’ll see it through
It’s what we’re always here to do
So we will walk through the fire
HARRY: So one by one they turn from me
I guess my friends got bored of the same hitch
By why I do this every year, not one among them will hear!
I guess I’m just evil’s bitch.
REMUS: He came from Cedric’s grave much graver!
DRACO: First Volde’ll kill him, then I’ll save him
HERMIONE: Everything is turning out so dark
DRACO: No I’ll save him, then I’ll kill him!
RON: I think this line’s mostly filler
SIRIUS: That’s ‘cause you Weasley’s are tone deaf
HARRY: These endless books are finally ending in a blaze
ALL: And we are caught in the fire
The point of no return
So we will walk through the fire
And let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn
[Harry blows open the door]
VOLDEMORT: Showtime!
HARRY: [Facing Voldemort and starting a little dance routine]
Life’s a book (now a film)
And we all play our parts
And when the music starts
We open up our hearts
It’s alright if some characters are killed off
We’ll wade through angsty fluff
‘Cause Sirius is real buff
Where I am, there’s trouble
Accidents and rubble
Threat of being expelled
Whistle while you work so hard all day
To get through another year
To avoid the pain and fear
Don’t give me songs
Don’t give me songs
Give me something new to sing about
I need something new to sing about!
This life’s a song
I keep having to rehearse
And every single verse
Makes it that much worse
Still my friends follow me every book
They just want a look
At all the money that I took
All the luck I get
Although my family is dead
All the good grades and praise
Despite the hell I raise
Surviving without a graze
But we she let me go?
Will I do this until I leave school?
Please JKR
Please JKR
So give me something to sing about!
Please, give me something!
[HARRY dances crazily, starting to go up in smoke, DRACO runs in a hits him over the head with a beater’s bat]
DRACO: For God’s sake, shut up! You can’t sing!
VOLDEMORT: Mwahahaha! I shall kill you all!
HERMIONE: [running forwards] Ahem, I’m sorry but you can’t do that.
VOLDEMORT: Why not? I have you all exactly where I want you- at my mercy. Mwahaha-
RON: She’s right.
HERMIONE: You see this is only book five. We’ve got two more to go. We can’t have Harry Potter and the Something Intriguing if he’s dead, can we?
VOLDEMORT: [Considers this] Yeah, I see your point. Okay, I’ll settle for just leaving in a plume of smoke.
ALL: Yeah, good idea.
[VOLDEMORT vanishes in a plume of smoke. The others stand in silence.]
GINNY: Where do we go from here?
ALL: Where do we go from here?
RON: The battle’s done and we kinda won
[HERMIONE joins in] So we sound our victory cheer
Where do we go from here?
ALL: Why is the plot unclear?
When we know book seven is near?
Understand we’ll go hand in hand
But we’ll walk alone in fear
Where do we go from here?
When does the end appear?
DRACO: Bugger this. [waves and winks at the slashers in the audience]
ALL: When will Mrs Figg get here?
The curtains close on a some mixed up kids
We can tell the end is near…
[Cut to outside in the corridor, HARRY runs after DRACO]
HARRY: Draco wait!
DRACO: Go away, Potter. I turned up to watch Him kill you, but he didn’t, so now I’m going-
HARRY: I touch the fire and it freezes me
DRACO: Are you attempting a heart felt duet? Because you know, I haven’t sung anything yet.
HARRY: [Looks sheepish] Oh right, yeah. Right, never mind then.
[DRACO walks off, HARRY is left alone in the corridor]
ALL: Where do we go from here?
JKR: Well I was thinking a black and white silent movie myself…
ALL: She’s evil! Nooooo!
JKR: Mwahahaha! [vanishes in a plume of smoke]
AUDIENCE: Well that was weird. But did you see Sirius in his boxers? Well worth it.