Four Nights - Pt. 1: Shallow Sleep
Title: Four Nights
Fandom: Gackt, Hyde
Genre: AU, Boys Love, Romance
Pairing: GakuHai
Rating: PG-13
Language: English
Summary: Gackt gets dumped by his girlfriend and wants to drown himself in alcohol to finally forget her. But before he can do so, he meets Hyde who works as a singer and entertains the costumers of a bar. They 'decide' to become friends and Hyde offers help in getting over the lover's grief.
Note: This is just a translation and english is not my first language. Again BIG thanks to eadwine63 for proof reading and helping out with translating some parts :3
Disclaimer: They belong to themselves (unfortunately *wants them* ;x;) and Hyde owns the lyrics.
Gackt's POV
First Night: SHALLOW SLEEP
“We have to talk” have never been good words, especially coming from the woman you love.
“I really love you ...” The sound of her voice already told me that there would be a 'but' and I wouldn't like it.
“... but we can't go on like this.” I had been afraid of exactly these words; right after she had entered my apartment and had looked at me. Due to her posture and the expression in her eyes, I couldn't expect her to kiss me at any moment. No, instead she tore out my heart, threw it to the ground and trampled it.
“Your job is more important to you than I am. I've tried to ignore this, but I'm tired. You're not interested in me and how I feel anymore.” She didn't cry or show any signs of sadness, not at all. Her voice was cold and expressionless. I protested, tried to prove her that she was wrong and that I loved her like the moment we had fallen in love with each other. But it didn't work. I could do and say nearly everything to convince her, she still didn't seem to care.
“No, Camui, it's over. I don't need you anymore.” Then she left, left me alone.
She ... didn't need me ... anymore. Just bit by bit her words sunk into my mind, as well as the fact that she had left me. And it stunned me - at least for a while.
I needed three full days to finally realize that she wouldn't call anymore or even come by to see me. And then it hit me - a wave of panic. I had lost her, everything was my fault, she was totally right! I bombarded her with calls, waited for her at her apartment and annoyed our friends with questions, but nothing helped. She didn't answer the calls and messages and treated me as if I was not there when I was lucky enough to meet her in person. I wasted my time - she didn't want this relationship anymore, I guess she had really gotten over me.
Another five days of waiting at her apartment, I finally realized that it had no use. I had pushed away the woman I was in a relationship with for about six month. And to celebrate my realization, I went the bar I used to go to frequent to get properly drunk and later come out with at least one woman. Because, yes … I hoped that would help me forget my heartache.
I hadn't been there for several months, but I knew You and I was sure he didn't change things too much - he had always done a lot to make this smoky, relaxed atmosphere perfect. I smirked, looked at the nameplate hanging over the entrance one more time and then I entered the bar - some things would never change. Oh, how wrong I was! Instead of smelling the usual cloud of smoke, I heard the soft sounds of a piano and instead of the guys I was used to see sitting at the counter, I saw lots of couples … snogging couples. Where the hell had You's bar gone? I immediately turned around to leave this place, but I had already been spotted.
“Hey, Gaku!” You's voice. I turned again and saw him standing behind the counter.
“Hello, You.” I said and went over to him, where I sat down on one of the black bar stools.
“Long time not seen. Tell me why I'm blessed with your attendance again,” he said jokingly. I didn't want to directly tell him what had happened in the past weeks and so I answered evasively: “Oh … I just have some spare time, nothing special.”
“Spare time? So, your sweetheart let you off the hook? I'm impressed.” He laughed and I of course I even knew before that it wasn't meant to be as serious as it had sounded … even if it was the truth - I had done what she wanted and now … there was just a big black hole in my life. I sighed and You seemed to know that something was wrong with me.
“What's the reason for your sudden spare time?” He was a master in asking unpleasant things without being rude.
“We broke up. She left me, three weeks ago. I worked too much for her taste. Who cares?” I hoped my tone told You that I didn't want to talk about this topic anymore.
“Hm … okay.” He understood. “So, what do you wanna drink?” he asked, grinning.
“Uhm … I guess I start with-” A deafening noise coming from the direction of the piano interrupted me and made me look for what had caused it. And this cause was also a reason for me being speechless; on a small stage, which also included the piano, a person sat on another black bar stool, brown-haired, dressed in a black suit, adjusting a microphone stand. He - it definitely was a man though for one moment I hadn't been sure - seemed to be quite concentrated while he did this. Just a few second later he raised his head, cleared his throat and said: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hyde and I hope to entertain you at least a bit. The first song of this evening is called 'Shallow Sleep'. Enjoy!”
While he was speaking, he watched the audience and I got the opportunity to look into his eyes - almond-shaped, dark brown and with an … indescribable expression, soft on one hand, sparkling and excited on the other and-
“Gaku! Hey, Gaku!”
“Huh?” I snapped back into reality and noticed that You looked a little annoyed.
“I won't ask for the fifth time what you wanna drink.”
At this moment I realized my mistake and hurried to apologize to You: “Oh … I'm sorry, You, but … he ...” I looked at Hyde again. The intro of the song had already begun and he seemed to wait for the moment he would start to sing.
“Yeah, I know.” You laughed and I seemed to be forgiven. “He's charming. Good for the business, you know? Anyway, your last chance to get something to drink, Gaku.”
“One beer, please.” I finally ordered, without looking away from the small singer who was over there on the stage; I didn't want to miss anything. But You was really underestimating him - this Hyde was more than just charming. On the other hand I couldn't tell what was so special about him; he hadn't even started to sing.
But this would change soon, because right now he closed his eyes, leaned a bit forward to be closer to the microphone and sang:
I just saw you
Beyond the course of time
A room that we once shared
But my memory's a haze
Forgetting what was said
Wow … I mean: WOW! His voice … it was so melodic and his way to sing, to stress the words … the mere rhythm when he spoke was really pleasant, but this was even better. Not to mention that I never expected a person with such feminine features to have such a deep voice; seriously. I was … enraptured and the beer was completely forgotten.
I gently held out my hand
And in that perfect moment
You disappeared - I lost you over again
In a shallow sleep I dreamed I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake
No … please, no! I didn't feel well. It felt as if he had sneaked into my heart and sang what was written on the shards inside. A broken thing that once had been pure happiness and somebody who simply couldn't accept this. This somebody was me - he told my story.
I just saw you
A moment far too brief
Before the daylight came
But my heart is beating fast
Perhaps we'll meet again
I closed my eyes. Yes, I still hoped that she would think things over and come back to me. I hoped for getting better …
In a shallow sleep I dreamed I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake
No, I didn't want to get better. I wanted her back, I wanted everything to be like it had been back when we had met the first time, when we had been head over heels with each other, when I was more important to her than anything else.
I see you - until I wake from shallow sleep
I had dreamed of her … almost every night … I had dreamed of good old times …
An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here - there is no color
A colorless landscape
Please stop this! I don't want to hear you singing about my sorrow … just to entertain some stupid customers of a bar. How dare you go public with such intimate issues?! Nobody needs to know how bad I feel. Stop it! Stop it!
“Stop it!” The voice broke off, the music fell silent and I could feel the gaze of the other customers on me. They stared at me as if I had gone insane and I didn't know where to look, so I looked at my glass of beer.
“Is everything okay, Gaku?”, You asked, his voice full of worry. I nodded, but he didn't believe me since he dug deeper: “You're sure?”
“Dammit, yes!” I shot back, though he didn't deserve my rudeness, “everything's fine, but thanks for asking!” Most likely my tone told him that neither everything was fine nor that I was thanking him for his questions. And when he continued to annoy me-
“Are you all right?” A soft voice right next to me suddenly asked. I immediately knew who it was - after all he had just sung until I had interrupted him. Hyde … and now he had come from the stage to give me hell, but funnily he was kind enough to ask how I was feeling first.
“No, I mean, yes erm … I'm sorry for interrupting your gig.” I sighed. I felt stupid, but he just smiled.
“Don't worry about it, I had intended to take a break after this song anyway.”
Huh? A break right after the very first song? My face seemed to show all of my confusion since Hyde's smile widened.
“I guess my song affected you a little more than I had intended it to do, you've cried.”
“No, I-” I was about to protest, but I touched my cheeks at exactly this moment and could indeed feel teardrops.
“You see?” Still this soft smile on his lips and this indescribable look in his eyes - he really didn't seem to care that I had disrupted his show. “So, do you really want to tell yourself and me that everything's okay?”
I stayed silent for only one second, wondering why the hell this man was interested in the way I was feeling. He had nothing to do with me, he didn't even know me. But on the other hand his interest on me was … comforting. Funny, but a complete stranger was more worried about me than the woman who had once said that she was head over heels with me.
“No,” I finally gave in, “nothing's okay.”
“Wanna talk about it?” Hyde asked next, without hesitating just one single moment … as if it was the most natural thing on earth. This man was kinda weird.
“I …” I really was about to tell him everything, the whole shit, when I realized something: “No! Your show and … the audience is waiting for you. I can't hold you away any longer, seriously.”
Thereupon, he sighed and sounded slightly disappointed: “I guess they'll understand if I take care of someone who shouldn't be alone right now.”
“Yeah, but … you really don't have to, You's still there if I need someone. We're quite good friends and I'm sure he won't reject me either. Right?” This question was addressed to You, but he didn't reply since he was serving the guests drinks and snacks they had ordered.
“Looks as if he's busy,” Hyde pointed out, “you really should accept my offer. I promise I won't bite.” Then he winked at me and made me smile unintentionally.
“If you insist.” I finally said and got off the bar stool.
“That's good.” Hyde replied, smiling, “I'll just go and say good-bye to the audience. Don't run away.”
“Okay, I'll wait.”
Then he hurried to the stage to excuse himself for the early ending of the show, but he also added that there would be another one next Friday. Maybe I should keep this in mind. When he returned to me, You was back at the counter as well.
“Oh, already done?” he asked a little irritated.
“Yes,” the singer replied, “you don't need to pay for today, it was only one song. But maybe I could get a bottle of wine?” Hyde grinned charmingly and made You grin too.
“If you can cheer up Gaku instead? Of course!” Had the two of them made a secret agreement against me?!
“That is what I intend to do.” His grin widened even more.
“So, which one?”
“Red wine, you can pick the brand.”
“I think I have a good one for you!” You took a short look behind him, grabbed a blue bottle and placed it on the counter right in front of Hyde.
“Thanks.” They really seemed to have something like a pact.
Hyde took the bottle and turned to me: “Ready to leave?”
“Erm … sure …” So much confidence towards a stranger was simply amazing. But he didn't stop there; I had expected him to go ahead and lead me to a place where we could spend the rest of the evening. Well, I was wrong since he locked arms with me and pulled me out of the bar like that. Outside he left the lead to me - me, the one who was just drowning in chaos, confusion and frustration!
“So,” Hyde began to speak, “I know the nickname You's using for you. But what's your full name?”
“Gackt Camui.” I answered without thinking.
“So, Camui …”
Camui … her voice ringed in my ears and I corrected my own words before it got worse: “But I prefer Gackt.” For a single moment Hyde raised an eyebrow in surprise, but then he shrugged and left it at that.
“Gackt,” he murmured softly, “Gackt.” He sounded as if he was tasting my name and trying to find out what was missing to make it better. “Gakuto,” he repeated once more and said eventually: “How's 'Gacchan'?”
“Gac...chan?” My eyes went wide.
“Not good?”
“We don't know each other.”
“But we'll learn about each other soon. So, why not use nicknames?” he said and I had to admit that this sounded logical.
“Yeah … why not.” I agreed, smiling at him. “Gacchan,” I whispered to get used to my new nickname, having no idea that this small thing would have such a deep impact on my whole life.
While we were discussing the name thing, I hadn't been paying attention to the direction we were going in and had taken the way home - the place I tried to avoid, because it was bleak, joyless and just oppressive. On the other hand now I had a companion, a really nice companion. So, we covered the remaining distance to my apartment, I unlocked the door and led Hyde into my apartment. He seemed impressed of the chaos in my flat since I hadn't been interested in keeping everything clean and nice at all for a couple of days.
“I'm sorry for the chaotic condition,” I mumbled, “but since Shi-” I trailed off. Instead I hurried to collect all of my scattered clothes and threw them into my bedroom.
“Since when?” Hyde asked nevertheless after I hadn't finished the sentence.
“Doesn't matter.” I replied resolutely, closed the bedroom door and went into the kitchen to look for some wine glasses. But Hyde didn't let go.
“Your reaction clearly says that it has something to do with your tears from earlier,” he stated, leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “you really should not be that stubborn and finally tell me what happened. Believe me, you'll feel better afterwards. And I bet you haven't spoken about it yet.” Exactly. Since the evening on which she had left me I hadn't said a word to anybody - except to her, of course.
“Gacchan!” Hyde said loudly; he acted as if we already knew each other for ages. Maybe this was the reason why I sighed and finally began to tell the story: “Her name was … is Shizuka.” I told him everything, all the shit: how she had dumped me out of the blue, how I had stalked her and that nothing had changed at all. I also told him that I just couldn't get over her, that I still loved her, that I would do anything to get her back.
“I wish I could turn back time,” I whined, while Hyde shoved me onto the sofa and gave me a full glass of wine after he had led me back into the living room, “I didn't even notice that I neglected her. I know that I love her and I thought she knew this too. Apparently … it wasn't enough. But she didn't say anything either, not before …” I couldn't brace myself anymore, I really cried. And yet I didn't want to suffer because of her anymore and wiped the tears away. Instead I raised the glass to my lips and emptied it at once. When I looked at Hyde then I saw commiseration in his eyes.
“I'm sorry.” he said. I shook my head and refilled the glass.
“You don't have to, it's my own fault.”
“Don't blame yourself!” His voice sounded angry now. “Your girlfriend … ex-girlfriend should have said something before it was too late. I don't want to say that you were on the right and she screwed things up; the both of you have to take responsibility. You can't just stop to exert yourself for each other as soon as you're together.” He looked sad, as if he …
“Did you make the same mistake?” I asked carefully and was confused when he smiled.
“Actually this conversation is about you and not me, but yes. Years ago I made the same mistake and for that I'm not proud of myself. But meanwhile I have had a couple of other relationships and I'm over it.” He told me about his previous life as if he trusted me completely.
“Erm … okay, sounds good.”
“It is.” Silence. While he was telling this small episode of his own life, I had drunk the second glass of wine and now refilled it again.
“Hey hey!” Hyde said laughing. “Not that fast or you'll get drunk after all!” This made me wonder. Well, not because Hyde worried about me - I had accepted this in the meantime - but because: “I didn't tell you that I was about to get drunk in You's bar.” Hyde only rolled his eyes.
“And I just told you that one of my relationships ended as bad as yours,” he explained, “so I know how a lover's grief feels like. I also know how some people try to deal with this.”
“Some?” I dug deeper and raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, some. I wrote songs to not go insane. Shallow Sleep for example, I wrote it right after this particular relationship.”
I was impressed: “And you still sing the song?”
“Of course. I like to remember the good times. Since it was a good relationship, though it had a bad ending. I just don't want to regret two full years of my life.” He had a point.
“You're right.” I commented and again drank a bit of the red wine. Maybe I could think about my relationship with Shizuka like this. Someday.
But why didn't I come up with this idea myself? Probably because it was the first relationship that hadn't been ended by me. Before I had met Shizuka I had always been the one. I hadn't even had too much trouble to find a girlfriend - women had almost thrown themselves at me. It had been a lot of work to gain Shizuka's trust and to prove that I really loved her.
I gulped and stared at the nearly empty bottle of wine on the coffee table. I should have kept in mind that she was a person who needed to literally see that you loved her. If I had done so everything would've been … fine instead of destroyed. Again I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but they were immediately wiped away by another person's hands.
“Shh,” Hyde said softly, “it's gonna be fine, Gacchan, everything's gonna be fine.”
“No, isn't,” I protested, “nothing's gonna be fine. I loved her, I still do! She was the most precious person to me. I …” My voice dropped, my throat was dry and I drank the rest of the red wine that was in my glass. “I …”
“Believe me, Gacchan,” he tried to convince me, still with this soft tone, “you can make it better. I didn't say you should let her go. Maybe she's thinking about you right now and realizes what she's about to give up. You have to calm down, we don't need you panicking.” While he was saying this to me, both of his hands were on my head, forcing me to look at him directly. One hand caressed my cheek, the other one stroked my hair.
“I guess you tried to talk to her?” he asked a few moments later and I nodded. “Okay. And you apologized to her, saying you still love her and want her back?” I nodded again.
“Well, then you have to wait. Now it's her turn. As long as she doesn't even want to see you, you can't do anything else.” I knew this! Damn it, I knew this … and yet there was the strong wish to go to her and keep talking until she forgave me.
“Don't force her, leave her alone for a while.” Hyde advised. How could this man just be so cool, while I …?! Okay, actually he had nothing to do with this situation and because of this maybe he might able to think more clearly than me. But damn it, he had said that he had experienced the same shit in the past. He should know that 'wait and see' was the last thing I wanted. The very last.
Then I directly looked at him and the expression in his eyes told me that I most likely looked terrible. Even my voice was only a weak whisper: “And what should I do now?”
Hyde smiled again; he seemed glad that I didn't protest this time.
“Something else than drowning yourself in self-pity,” he mused, “we could try to find something we can do together.” Together …?
“Are you serious? We just met and you-”
“Shh,” he silenced me by placing one fingertip on my lips, “I told you: We'll learn about each other.”
“But why?”
“Because you seem to be an interesting person. You showed what you felt while I was singing. Other people would've tried to hide all their emotions behind a mask.”
“Actually … I didn't even notice that I cried.” I replied to take the wind out of his point's sails. Usually I wasn't such a crybaby and if the song hadn't been so intense I would've held the tears back. No, I couldn't count this as a reason to call me an interesting person.
“However …,” Hyde vetoed again, “I think you're interesting and if you don't mind I would like to spend some time with you and help you getting better.” I was won over - I didn't know why I should reject his offer anymore.
“Okay, let's spend some time together.” I finally agreed.
“That's a good boy.” Hyde answered, smiling and raising his glass of wine. I understood what he meant, poured the rest of the red wine into my glass which I had emptied three times already and clinked glasses with him. You could hear a soft 'pling' and then I drank the remaining wine. Hyde just took a small sip and then put his glass back on the coffee table.
“Do you feel better now?” he asked.
“Well … I guess I'll have to deal with it for quite a while.” It hadn't been a stupid question, though he had seen how broken I was. He just seemed to be very self-confident. And to be honest, him simply being here with me already soothed me. This and his calm, gentle aura - an aura which charmed me that much I didn't protest when he suddenly kissed me.
I could feel his soft lips pressing against mine. Automatically I closed my eyes and enjoyed what he gave me. He was so gentle, not demanding or coarse … just gentle. The kiss was a chaste one and Hyde already pulled back once he had ran his tongue over my lower lip. Only then I wondered what this meant.
“Why?” I whispered nearly soundless, receiving one of his charming smiles.
“To make you feel better.” he replied simply, already leaning forward for a second kiss. But this time I stopped him by placing a hand on his chest.
“Don't.”
Hyde pouted: “No need to be scared … or shy, even if I'm the first male you're kissing. I don't mind being the passive one.”
“That's not the point,” I protested, “I just …”
“So, there's no problem,” Hyde interrupted me, “don't think about it too much. I want to heal you.” And before I could say anything else, he kissed me again - but this time he did it … properly. His tongue entered my mouth and immediately began massaging mine. His hands ghosted up and down the sides of my body, stroking it lovingly. Doing all these things, he made it nearly impossible for me to back off. On top of that, I had drank almost a whole bottle of sweet, strong wine which just started to make me feel tipsy.
“Don't fall in love with me, Gacchan.” I heard him whisper, not really realizing what he had said. I finally gave in, enjoyed everything and then … I had a blackout.
*
The next thing I remembered was the bright light of a new day, lighting up my bedroom. The rays of the sun shone through the gap in the curtains, directly onto my face. I grumbled and tried to turn to the other side, but this wasn't so easy, since another person's body blocked me by laying half on top of me.
“Morning.” a soft voice greeted.
“Morning.” I replied, though I didn't even know who shared the bed with me. I guess at this moment I thought it was Shizuka. But this thought vanished quickly once I spotted brown hair. Hyde's brown hair, not Shizuka's blonde. And when I noticed that I was naked and he seemed to be naked as well, I was abruptly awake.
“What did we do?” I asked, panicking. I also backed off as fast as I could to get away from him … and immediately regretted the sudden movement - fuck fuck fuck, my head hurt!
“Calm down, Gacchan.” Hyde just said composedly.
“Calm down? Calm down?!” My voice hit higher notes than it had ever done in the past, ringing in my ears. “God knows what we did last night and I don't remember anything! Oh my god, I cheated on her … I cheated on Shizuka!” I was in the same state of panic I had been in two weeks ago and now the leftovers of my already destroyed world were completely broken. What should I …
“Gacchan,” Hyde interrupted my thoughts and dragged me back into reality, “nothing happened. We kissed and just a few minutes later you fell asleep. I led you to your bed and took off your clothes because I didn't want you to sleep on the sofa fully dressed. Sadly I didn't find a pajama or anything. I'm sorry I crawled into your bed without asking you and I understand that you're mad at me because of this. I'm really sorry.” He ended his explanation why the both of us were in my bed. Then he sat up and I could see him still wearing his boxers.
“Is this … true?”
“I promise.”
“… thank god.”
“Yeah.”
I was relieved. I also wasn't mad at him, he had only done so to help me. And it was my own fault when I got drunk anyway.
“I'm sorry,” I mumbled a little shyly, “and thanks for helping me.”
“You're welcome.” I saw him smiling again. “You can return the favor at the next opportunity. This evening for example.“ Now he even grinned.
“Tonight?”, I asked confused.
“Yeah.” he replied, got off the bed and looked for his pants which were laying on the floor. But he didn't need them to get dressed, but to take a small white thing out of the pocket. When he handed it to me I could see that it was a card with the words 'Seventh Heaven' and an address printed on it.
“Be there at 8 and we get quits.” he explained in a mysterious way and then silently waited for my reply.
“Er …,” I began and took another look at the card, “what's there?”
“You'll see.”
I thought about it for a moment and finally promised to come, which caused him to smile brightly: “I'm glad.” Then he sat down on the bed again, right next to me, and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek.
“Thanks, Gacchan.”
“Uhm … you're welcome.”
Where did I get involved in?
---
Well, this is the first chapter/ night. It was a pain to write and also a pain to translate. But I just love Hyde in this fic x3
And in case you wonder about Gackt's name: I wrote this fic in summer 2009 and back then I wasn't sure whether Gackt or Camui is his first name. I finally decided to use Camui as his first name, since the protagonist in X/ 1999 by CLAMP is also called Kamui. Meanwhile I read amaiakuyume 's post on Gackt's name @ dears or OGYD comm and learnd that I was obviously wrong ^^'
Anyway, opinions anyone? :3
Fandom: Gackt, Hyde
Genre: AU, Boys Love, Romance
Pairing: GakuHai
Rating: PG-13
Language: English
Summary: Gackt gets dumped by his girlfriend and wants to drown himself in alcohol to finally forget her. But before he can do so, he meets Hyde who works as a singer and entertains the costumers of a bar. They 'decide' to become friends and Hyde offers help in getting over the lover's grief.
Note: This is just a translation and english is not my first language. Again BIG thanks to eadwine63 for proof reading and helping out with translating some parts :3
Disclaimer: They belong to themselves (unfortunately *wants them* ;x;) and Hyde owns the lyrics.
Gackt's POV
First Night: SHALLOW SLEEP
“We have to talk” have never been good words, especially coming from the woman you love.
“I really love you ...” The sound of her voice already told me that there would be a 'but' and I wouldn't like it.
“... but we can't go on like this.” I had been afraid of exactly these words; right after she had entered my apartment and had looked at me. Due to her posture and the expression in her eyes, I couldn't expect her to kiss me at any moment. No, instead she tore out my heart, threw it to the ground and trampled it.
“Your job is more important to you than I am. I've tried to ignore this, but I'm tired. You're not interested in me and how I feel anymore.” She didn't cry or show any signs of sadness, not at all. Her voice was cold and expressionless. I protested, tried to prove her that she was wrong and that I loved her like the moment we had fallen in love with each other. But it didn't work. I could do and say nearly everything to convince her, she still didn't seem to care.
“No, Camui, it's over. I don't need you anymore.” Then she left, left me alone.
She ... didn't need me ... anymore. Just bit by bit her words sunk into my mind, as well as the fact that she had left me. And it stunned me - at least for a while.
I needed three full days to finally realize that she wouldn't call anymore or even come by to see me. And then it hit me - a wave of panic. I had lost her, everything was my fault, she was totally right! I bombarded her with calls, waited for her at her apartment and annoyed our friends with questions, but nothing helped. She didn't answer the calls and messages and treated me as if I was not there when I was lucky enough to meet her in person. I wasted my time - she didn't want this relationship anymore, I guess she had really gotten over me.
Another five days of waiting at her apartment, I finally realized that it had no use. I had pushed away the woman I was in a relationship with for about six month. And to celebrate my realization, I went the bar I used to go to frequent to get properly drunk and later come out with at least one woman. Because, yes … I hoped that would help me forget my heartache.
I hadn't been there for several months, but I knew You and I was sure he didn't change things too much - he had always done a lot to make this smoky, relaxed atmosphere perfect. I smirked, looked at the nameplate hanging over the entrance one more time and then I entered the bar - some things would never change. Oh, how wrong I was! Instead of smelling the usual cloud of smoke, I heard the soft sounds of a piano and instead of the guys I was used to see sitting at the counter, I saw lots of couples … snogging couples. Where the hell had You's bar gone? I immediately turned around to leave this place, but I had already been spotted.
“Hey, Gaku!” You's voice. I turned again and saw him standing behind the counter.
“Hello, You.” I said and went over to him, where I sat down on one of the black bar stools.
“Long time not seen. Tell me why I'm blessed with your attendance again,” he said jokingly. I didn't want to directly tell him what had happened in the past weeks and so I answered evasively: “Oh … I just have some spare time, nothing special.”
“Spare time? So, your sweetheart let you off the hook? I'm impressed.” He laughed and I of course I even knew before that it wasn't meant to be as serious as it had sounded … even if it was the truth - I had done what she wanted and now … there was just a big black hole in my life. I sighed and You seemed to know that something was wrong with me.
“What's the reason for your sudden spare time?” He was a master in asking unpleasant things without being rude.
“We broke up. She left me, three weeks ago. I worked too much for her taste. Who cares?” I hoped my tone told You that I didn't want to talk about this topic anymore.
“Hm … okay.” He understood. “So, what do you wanna drink?” he asked, grinning.
“Uhm … I guess I start with-” A deafening noise coming from the direction of the piano interrupted me and made me look for what had caused it. And this cause was also a reason for me being speechless; on a small stage, which also included the piano, a person sat on another black bar stool, brown-haired, dressed in a black suit, adjusting a microphone stand. He - it definitely was a man though for one moment I hadn't been sure - seemed to be quite concentrated while he did this. Just a few second later he raised his head, cleared his throat and said: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hyde and I hope to entertain you at least a bit. The first song of this evening is called 'Shallow Sleep'. Enjoy!”
While he was speaking, he watched the audience and I got the opportunity to look into his eyes - almond-shaped, dark brown and with an … indescribable expression, soft on one hand, sparkling and excited on the other and-
“Gaku! Hey, Gaku!”
“Huh?” I snapped back into reality and noticed that You looked a little annoyed.
“I won't ask for the fifth time what you wanna drink.”
At this moment I realized my mistake and hurried to apologize to You: “Oh … I'm sorry, You, but … he ...” I looked at Hyde again. The intro of the song had already begun and he seemed to wait for the moment he would start to sing.
“Yeah, I know.” You laughed and I seemed to be forgiven. “He's charming. Good for the business, you know? Anyway, your last chance to get something to drink, Gaku.”
“One beer, please.” I finally ordered, without looking away from the small singer who was over there on the stage; I didn't want to miss anything. But You was really underestimating him - this Hyde was more than just charming. On the other hand I couldn't tell what was so special about him; he hadn't even started to sing.
But this would change soon, because right now he closed his eyes, leaned a bit forward to be closer to the microphone and sang:
I just saw you
Beyond the course of time
A room that we once shared
But my memory's a haze
Forgetting what was said
Wow … I mean: WOW! His voice … it was so melodic and his way to sing, to stress the words … the mere rhythm when he spoke was really pleasant, but this was even better. Not to mention that I never expected a person with such feminine features to have such a deep voice; seriously. I was … enraptured and the beer was completely forgotten.
I gently held out my hand
And in that perfect moment
You disappeared - I lost you over again
In a shallow sleep I dreamed I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake
No … please, no! I didn't feel well. It felt as if he had sneaked into my heart and sang what was written on the shards inside. A broken thing that once had been pure happiness and somebody who simply couldn't accept this. This somebody was me - he told my story.
I just saw you
A moment far too brief
Before the daylight came
But my heart is beating fast
Perhaps we'll meet again
I closed my eyes. Yes, I still hoped that she would think things over and come back to me. I hoped for getting better …
In a shallow sleep I dreamed I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake
No, I didn't want to get better. I wanted her back, I wanted everything to be like it had been back when we had met the first time, when we had been head over heels with each other, when I was more important to her than anything else.
I see you - until I wake from shallow sleep
I had dreamed of her … almost every night … I had dreamed of good old times …
An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here - there is no color
A colorless landscape
Please stop this! I don't want to hear you singing about my sorrow … just to entertain some stupid customers of a bar. How dare you go public with such intimate issues?! Nobody needs to know how bad I feel. Stop it! Stop it!
“Stop it!” The voice broke off, the music fell silent and I could feel the gaze of the other customers on me. They stared at me as if I had gone insane and I didn't know where to look, so I looked at my glass of beer.
“Is everything okay, Gaku?”, You asked, his voice full of worry. I nodded, but he didn't believe me since he dug deeper: “You're sure?”
“Dammit, yes!” I shot back, though he didn't deserve my rudeness, “everything's fine, but thanks for asking!” Most likely my tone told him that neither everything was fine nor that I was thanking him for his questions. And when he continued to annoy me-
“Are you all right?” A soft voice right next to me suddenly asked. I immediately knew who it was - after all he had just sung until I had interrupted him. Hyde … and now he had come from the stage to give me hell, but funnily he was kind enough to ask how I was feeling first.
“No, I mean, yes erm … I'm sorry for interrupting your gig.” I sighed. I felt stupid, but he just smiled.
“Don't worry about it, I had intended to take a break after this song anyway.”
Huh? A break right after the very first song? My face seemed to show all of my confusion since Hyde's smile widened.
“I guess my song affected you a little more than I had intended it to do, you've cried.”
“No, I-” I was about to protest, but I touched my cheeks at exactly this moment and could indeed feel teardrops.
“You see?” Still this soft smile on his lips and this indescribable look in his eyes - he really didn't seem to care that I had disrupted his show. “So, do you really want to tell yourself and me that everything's okay?”
I stayed silent for only one second, wondering why the hell this man was interested in the way I was feeling. He had nothing to do with me, he didn't even know me. But on the other hand his interest on me was … comforting. Funny, but a complete stranger was more worried about me than the woman who had once said that she was head over heels with me.
“No,” I finally gave in, “nothing's okay.”
“Wanna talk about it?” Hyde asked next, without hesitating just one single moment … as if it was the most natural thing on earth. This man was kinda weird.
“I …” I really was about to tell him everything, the whole shit, when I realized something: “No! Your show and … the audience is waiting for you. I can't hold you away any longer, seriously.”
Thereupon, he sighed and sounded slightly disappointed: “I guess they'll understand if I take care of someone who shouldn't be alone right now.”
“Yeah, but … you really don't have to, You's still there if I need someone. We're quite good friends and I'm sure he won't reject me either. Right?” This question was addressed to You, but he didn't reply since he was serving the guests drinks and snacks they had ordered.
“Looks as if he's busy,” Hyde pointed out, “you really should accept my offer. I promise I won't bite.” Then he winked at me and made me smile unintentionally.
“If you insist.” I finally said and got off the bar stool.
“That's good.” Hyde replied, smiling, “I'll just go and say good-bye to the audience. Don't run away.”
“Okay, I'll wait.”
Then he hurried to the stage to excuse himself for the early ending of the show, but he also added that there would be another one next Friday. Maybe I should keep this in mind. When he returned to me, You was back at the counter as well.
“Oh, already done?” he asked a little irritated.
“Yes,” the singer replied, “you don't need to pay for today, it was only one song. But maybe I could get a bottle of wine?” Hyde grinned charmingly and made You grin too.
“If you can cheer up Gaku instead? Of course!” Had the two of them made a secret agreement against me?!
“That is what I intend to do.” His grin widened even more.
“So, which one?”
“Red wine, you can pick the brand.”
“I think I have a good one for you!” You took a short look behind him, grabbed a blue bottle and placed it on the counter right in front of Hyde.
“Thanks.” They really seemed to have something like a pact.
Hyde took the bottle and turned to me: “Ready to leave?”
“Erm … sure …” So much confidence towards a stranger was simply amazing. But he didn't stop there; I had expected him to go ahead and lead me to a place where we could spend the rest of the evening. Well, I was wrong since he locked arms with me and pulled me out of the bar like that. Outside he left the lead to me - me, the one who was just drowning in chaos, confusion and frustration!
“So,” Hyde began to speak, “I know the nickname You's using for you. But what's your full name?”
“Gackt Camui.” I answered without thinking.
“So, Camui …”
Camui … her voice ringed in my ears and I corrected my own words before it got worse: “But I prefer Gackt.” For a single moment Hyde raised an eyebrow in surprise, but then he shrugged and left it at that.
“Gackt,” he murmured softly, “Gackt.” He sounded as if he was tasting my name and trying to find out what was missing to make it better. “Gakuto,” he repeated once more and said eventually: “How's 'Gacchan'?”
“Gac...chan?” My eyes went wide.
“Not good?”
“We don't know each other.”
“But we'll learn about each other soon. So, why not use nicknames?” he said and I had to admit that this sounded logical.
“Yeah … why not.” I agreed, smiling at him. “Gacchan,” I whispered to get used to my new nickname, having no idea that this small thing would have such a deep impact on my whole life.
While we were discussing the name thing, I hadn't been paying attention to the direction we were going in and had taken the way home - the place I tried to avoid, because it was bleak, joyless and just oppressive. On the other hand now I had a companion, a really nice companion. So, we covered the remaining distance to my apartment, I unlocked the door and led Hyde into my apartment. He seemed impressed of the chaos in my flat since I hadn't been interested in keeping everything clean and nice at all for a couple of days.
“I'm sorry for the chaotic condition,” I mumbled, “but since Shi-” I trailed off. Instead I hurried to collect all of my scattered clothes and threw them into my bedroom.
“Since when?” Hyde asked nevertheless after I hadn't finished the sentence.
“Doesn't matter.” I replied resolutely, closed the bedroom door and went into the kitchen to look for some wine glasses. But Hyde didn't let go.
“Your reaction clearly says that it has something to do with your tears from earlier,” he stated, leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “you really should not be that stubborn and finally tell me what happened. Believe me, you'll feel better afterwards. And I bet you haven't spoken about it yet.” Exactly. Since the evening on which she had left me I hadn't said a word to anybody - except to her, of course.
“Gacchan!” Hyde said loudly; he acted as if we already knew each other for ages. Maybe this was the reason why I sighed and finally began to tell the story: “Her name was … is Shizuka.” I told him everything, all the shit: how she had dumped me out of the blue, how I had stalked her and that nothing had changed at all. I also told him that I just couldn't get over her, that I still loved her, that I would do anything to get her back.
“I wish I could turn back time,” I whined, while Hyde shoved me onto the sofa and gave me a full glass of wine after he had led me back into the living room, “I didn't even notice that I neglected her. I know that I love her and I thought she knew this too. Apparently … it wasn't enough. But she didn't say anything either, not before …” I couldn't brace myself anymore, I really cried. And yet I didn't want to suffer because of her anymore and wiped the tears away. Instead I raised the glass to my lips and emptied it at once. When I looked at Hyde then I saw commiseration in his eyes.
“I'm sorry.” he said. I shook my head and refilled the glass.
“You don't have to, it's my own fault.”
“Don't blame yourself!” His voice sounded angry now. “Your girlfriend … ex-girlfriend should have said something before it was too late. I don't want to say that you were on the right and she screwed things up; the both of you have to take responsibility. You can't just stop to exert yourself for each other as soon as you're together.” He looked sad, as if he …
“Did you make the same mistake?” I asked carefully and was confused when he smiled.
“Actually this conversation is about you and not me, but yes. Years ago I made the same mistake and for that I'm not proud of myself. But meanwhile I have had a couple of other relationships and I'm over it.” He told me about his previous life as if he trusted me completely.
“Erm … okay, sounds good.”
“It is.” Silence. While he was telling this small episode of his own life, I had drunk the second glass of wine and now refilled it again.
“Hey hey!” Hyde said laughing. “Not that fast or you'll get drunk after all!” This made me wonder. Well, not because Hyde worried about me - I had accepted this in the meantime - but because: “I didn't tell you that I was about to get drunk in You's bar.” Hyde only rolled his eyes.
“And I just told you that one of my relationships ended as bad as yours,” he explained, “so I know how a lover's grief feels like. I also know how some people try to deal with this.”
“Some?” I dug deeper and raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, some. I wrote songs to not go insane. Shallow Sleep for example, I wrote it right after this particular relationship.”
I was impressed: “And you still sing the song?”
“Of course. I like to remember the good times. Since it was a good relationship, though it had a bad ending. I just don't want to regret two full years of my life.” He had a point.
“You're right.” I commented and again drank a bit of the red wine. Maybe I could think about my relationship with Shizuka like this. Someday.
But why didn't I come up with this idea myself? Probably because it was the first relationship that hadn't been ended by me. Before I had met Shizuka I had always been the one. I hadn't even had too much trouble to find a girlfriend - women had almost thrown themselves at me. It had been a lot of work to gain Shizuka's trust and to prove that I really loved her.
I gulped and stared at the nearly empty bottle of wine on the coffee table. I should have kept in mind that she was a person who needed to literally see that you loved her. If I had done so everything would've been … fine instead of destroyed. Again I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but they were immediately wiped away by another person's hands.
“Shh,” Hyde said softly, “it's gonna be fine, Gacchan, everything's gonna be fine.”
“No, isn't,” I protested, “nothing's gonna be fine. I loved her, I still do! She was the most precious person to me. I …” My voice dropped, my throat was dry and I drank the rest of the red wine that was in my glass. “I …”
“Believe me, Gacchan,” he tried to convince me, still with this soft tone, “you can make it better. I didn't say you should let her go. Maybe she's thinking about you right now and realizes what she's about to give up. You have to calm down, we don't need you panicking.” While he was saying this to me, both of his hands were on my head, forcing me to look at him directly. One hand caressed my cheek, the other one stroked my hair.
“I guess you tried to talk to her?” he asked a few moments later and I nodded. “Okay. And you apologized to her, saying you still love her and want her back?” I nodded again.
“Well, then you have to wait. Now it's her turn. As long as she doesn't even want to see you, you can't do anything else.” I knew this! Damn it, I knew this … and yet there was the strong wish to go to her and keep talking until she forgave me.
“Don't force her, leave her alone for a while.” Hyde advised. How could this man just be so cool, while I …?! Okay, actually he had nothing to do with this situation and because of this maybe he might able to think more clearly than me. But damn it, he had said that he had experienced the same shit in the past. He should know that 'wait and see' was the last thing I wanted. The very last.
Then I directly looked at him and the expression in his eyes told me that I most likely looked terrible. Even my voice was only a weak whisper: “And what should I do now?”
Hyde smiled again; he seemed glad that I didn't protest this time.
“Something else than drowning yourself in self-pity,” he mused, “we could try to find something we can do together.” Together …?
“Are you serious? We just met and you-”
“Shh,” he silenced me by placing one fingertip on my lips, “I told you: We'll learn about each other.”
“But why?”
“Because you seem to be an interesting person. You showed what you felt while I was singing. Other people would've tried to hide all their emotions behind a mask.”
“Actually … I didn't even notice that I cried.” I replied to take the wind out of his point's sails. Usually I wasn't such a crybaby and if the song hadn't been so intense I would've held the tears back. No, I couldn't count this as a reason to call me an interesting person.
“However …,” Hyde vetoed again, “I think you're interesting and if you don't mind I would like to spend some time with you and help you getting better.” I was won over - I didn't know why I should reject his offer anymore.
“Okay, let's spend some time together.” I finally agreed.
“That's a good boy.” Hyde answered, smiling and raising his glass of wine. I understood what he meant, poured the rest of the red wine into my glass which I had emptied three times already and clinked glasses with him. You could hear a soft 'pling' and then I drank the remaining wine. Hyde just took a small sip and then put his glass back on the coffee table.
“Do you feel better now?” he asked.
“Well … I guess I'll have to deal with it for quite a while.” It hadn't been a stupid question, though he had seen how broken I was. He just seemed to be very self-confident. And to be honest, him simply being here with me already soothed me. This and his calm, gentle aura - an aura which charmed me that much I didn't protest when he suddenly kissed me.
I could feel his soft lips pressing against mine. Automatically I closed my eyes and enjoyed what he gave me. He was so gentle, not demanding or coarse … just gentle. The kiss was a chaste one and Hyde already pulled back once he had ran his tongue over my lower lip. Only then I wondered what this meant.
“Why?” I whispered nearly soundless, receiving one of his charming smiles.
“To make you feel better.” he replied simply, already leaning forward for a second kiss. But this time I stopped him by placing a hand on his chest.
“Don't.”
Hyde pouted: “No need to be scared … or shy, even if I'm the first male you're kissing. I don't mind being the passive one.”
“That's not the point,” I protested, “I just …”
“So, there's no problem,” Hyde interrupted me, “don't think about it too much. I want to heal you.” And before I could say anything else, he kissed me again - but this time he did it … properly. His tongue entered my mouth and immediately began massaging mine. His hands ghosted up and down the sides of my body, stroking it lovingly. Doing all these things, he made it nearly impossible for me to back off. On top of that, I had drank almost a whole bottle of sweet, strong wine which just started to make me feel tipsy.
“Don't fall in love with me, Gacchan.” I heard him whisper, not really realizing what he had said. I finally gave in, enjoyed everything and then … I had a blackout.
*
The next thing I remembered was the bright light of a new day, lighting up my bedroom. The rays of the sun shone through the gap in the curtains, directly onto my face. I grumbled and tried to turn to the other side, but this wasn't so easy, since another person's body blocked me by laying half on top of me.
“Morning.” a soft voice greeted.
“Morning.” I replied, though I didn't even know who shared the bed with me. I guess at this moment I thought it was Shizuka. But this thought vanished quickly once I spotted brown hair. Hyde's brown hair, not Shizuka's blonde. And when I noticed that I was naked and he seemed to be naked as well, I was abruptly awake.
“What did we do?” I asked, panicking. I also backed off as fast as I could to get away from him … and immediately regretted the sudden movement - fuck fuck fuck, my head hurt!
“Calm down, Gacchan.” Hyde just said composedly.
“Calm down? Calm down?!” My voice hit higher notes than it had ever done in the past, ringing in my ears. “God knows what we did last night and I don't remember anything! Oh my god, I cheated on her … I cheated on Shizuka!” I was in the same state of panic I had been in two weeks ago and now the leftovers of my already destroyed world were completely broken. What should I …
“Gacchan,” Hyde interrupted my thoughts and dragged me back into reality, “nothing happened. We kissed and just a few minutes later you fell asleep. I led you to your bed and took off your clothes because I didn't want you to sleep on the sofa fully dressed. Sadly I didn't find a pajama or anything. I'm sorry I crawled into your bed without asking you and I understand that you're mad at me because of this. I'm really sorry.” He ended his explanation why the both of us were in my bed. Then he sat up and I could see him still wearing his boxers.
“Is this … true?”
“I promise.”
“… thank god.”
“Yeah.”
I was relieved. I also wasn't mad at him, he had only done so to help me. And it was my own fault when I got drunk anyway.
“I'm sorry,” I mumbled a little shyly, “and thanks for helping me.”
“You're welcome.” I saw him smiling again. “You can return the favor at the next opportunity. This evening for example.“ Now he even grinned.
“Tonight?”, I asked confused.
“Yeah.” he replied, got off the bed and looked for his pants which were laying on the floor. But he didn't need them to get dressed, but to take a small white thing out of the pocket. When he handed it to me I could see that it was a card with the words 'Seventh Heaven' and an address printed on it.
“Be there at 8 and we get quits.” he explained in a mysterious way and then silently waited for my reply.
“Er …,” I began and took another look at the card, “what's there?”
“You'll see.”
I thought about it for a moment and finally promised to come, which caused him to smile brightly: “I'm glad.” Then he sat down on the bed again, right next to me, and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek.
“Thanks, Gacchan.”
“Uhm … you're welcome.”
Where did I get involved in?
---
Well, this is the first chapter/ night. It was a pain to write and also a pain to translate. But I just love Hyde in this fic x3
And in case you wonder about Gackt's name: I wrote this fic in summer 2009 and back then I wasn't sure whether Gackt or Camui is his first name. I finally decided to use Camui as his first name, since the protagonist in X/ 1999 by CLAMP is also called Kamui. Meanwhile I read amaiakuyume 's post on Gackt's name @ dears or OGYD comm and learnd that I was obviously wrong ^^'
Anyway, opinions anyone? :3