Grief or exhaustion?

[scarlettina]

When jaylake died, I had that awful double reaction that one has sometimes to death after long illness: part grief and part relief. The relief was a combination of "Thank G-d he's no longer in pain" and relief that the misery of the illness was over for everyone around him. With Jay, for me, it was more complex. We all know, who followed his LJ, that he

Comments

[kate_schaefer]

I think it would be presumptuous of me to say that I understand, because I don't think I can truly understand without having been through something closer to what you've been through. I can say that I have a dim intellectual comprehension of what you're talking about, and I wish I could say or do something to make it better, and I know I can't.

I see you, my friend. I see this pain. I acknowledge it as very, very real, lasting, and awful. I want to have something tidy to finish with, and there is no tidiness available.

[scarlettina]

Thank you thank you thank you, Kate.

[ckd]

I see you, my friend. I see this pain. I acknowledge it as very, very real, lasting, and awful. I want to have something tidy to finish with, and there is no tidiness available.

Kate, you have said what I wanted to say in a much more beautiful manner than I have been able to come up with. I hope you don't mind me borrowing your words for this.

[herself_nyc]

At any rate, your instinct to block out this stuff now is a good one. :: hugs ::

[joycemocha]

It is a good idea to block it. But there's an additional complication in that a lot of this was about Jay, with all his strengths and his flaws (some of which were huge, and I am glad I was no more than just a writing friend, with no benefits because THAT was a roller-coaster ride for sure). I ended up avoiding a lot of the wake and memorials simply because...I couldn't do it. I've lost too many others to cancer, including one who hid her suspicions about it until it was too late to do anything (we have privately wondered about that one). In any case, hugs. Many hugs.

(and why is it that occasional bitter comments from the dying hook into your soul in the weirdest ways? I've only heard those comments from those with cancer, though....)

[scarlettina]

Oh, I know. It was ALL about Jay, all the time.

You asked: why is it that occasional bitter comments from the dying hook into your soul in the weirdest ways? I've only heard those comments from those with cancer, though....

Honestly, I think it's because with cancer, if there's an end, you see it coming. And you see it coming for a long, long time. As Jay used to say, cancer steals pieces of you bit by bit, and that will embitter anyone.

[mevennen]

Cancer is hell, and I don't really know what to say except that whatever one's left with, whether one defines it as PTSD or what, one is just going to have to live with it. I don't think the damage can be undone. Losing my partner to it, and nearly losing Trevor a few years later, has permanently damaged me and I don't think there's much that can be done about that. I wish I could be more positive but life is sometimes just hellish.

[scarlettina]

I hear you, Liz, in a big, big way. I have said on more than one occasion that aging isn't for the weak and it's really true. We're all warriors, we're all travelers, and we all fight our way down the road in one fashion or another. Or we ease on down the road with a skirmish here and there. You're absolutely right that all we can so is live with it. I'd rather that than the alternative.

[mevennen]

It so isn't for the weak. It does weaken you, though (or can). I'm a lot less emotionally resilient than I used to be and I know friends who feel the same. I read your posts about your cousin with sympathy and dismay: Trevor's dad died of the same thing, although that was alcohol related and he was a lot older.