The Pirate Privilege Checklist
Recently I was shown the Male Privilege Checklist, a list of privileges that men have over women. The list was compiled so that men would read it and become AWARE of what lucky bastards they really (according to the list) are. Of course, it was also written to make men feel like shit. Personally I found a lot of the list to be total bollocks but, you know, I actually fucking LIKE men. Anyway, inspired by the list and a similar one about white privilege, I decided to write a list for PIRATES. After all, Pirates have so many privileges over everyone (and especially over NINJAS) that they really should have their own list. So, for all you Pirates out there, I give to you:
The Pirate Privilege Checklist
1) I will never have to apply for a job, or sit outside a temple in the snow, waiting to be trained. I will always be able to get a job simply by sitting in a pub, getting drunk and waiting to be hit over the head.
2) If I am shown in a film, or written about in a book, I will be portrayed as an individual. I will be named and given my own style of clothing. I will not be represented as a faceless person in a black outfit.
3) If I speak in a film, my lips will move in sync with what I am saying.
4) As a child I was encouraged to be more outgoing than Ninjas.
5) If I become physically disabled, or visually impaired, it will not affect my employability.
6) If I become mentally unstable it will enhance my employability and earn me the title "Mad".
7) I will never be stopped from taking my pet to work. As long as it is a parrot. Or a monkey.
8) I will never have to move silently and stealthily, I will be allowed to swagger and shout "YARRR!".
9) I will be able to find other Pirates like myself mentioned in songs. There are no songs about Ninjas.
10) The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time.
11) Any ship I sail will be called a "Galleon" and not a "Junk".
12) At the end of each quest I will be rewarded with a huge chest of gold and not a magic feather, family honour, or some shit like that.
13) In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my Ninja counterparts are. If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat Ninjas do.
14) I will always have a huge cutlass. I will never be asked to fight using little metal stars.
15) I will either be a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse, or I will have access to a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse.
16) I will never have to drink water, or rice wine. I will always get to drink rum, or grog.
17) My career prospects will not be affected by my ethnicity.
18) If I manage to somersault backwards onto a tree, the chances are people will be more impressed than they would if a Ninja did it.
19) If I need to urinate, I don't have to struggle out of a cat-suit.
20) As a child, the chances are I got more teacher attention than Ninjas who raised their hands just as often.
21) I get to wear great big boots.
22) I am far less likely than a Ninja to be employed by a mad genius whose Headquarters gets blown up killing everyone inside.
23) I will never be mistaken for a fundamentalist Muslim woman.
24) When I shout, I can be reasonably sure that the other people in the bar will shout with me.
25) I have the privilege of being unaware of my Pirate privilege.
The Pirate Privilege Checklist
1) I will never have to apply for a job, or sit outside a temple in the snow, waiting to be trained. I will always be able to get a job simply by sitting in a pub, getting drunk and waiting to be hit over the head.
2) If I am shown in a film, or written about in a book, I will be portrayed as an individual. I will be named and given my own style of clothing. I will not be represented as a faceless person in a black outfit.
3) If I speak in a film, my lips will move in sync with what I am saying.
4) As a child I was encouraged to be more outgoing than Ninjas.
5) If I become physically disabled, or visually impaired, it will not affect my employability.
6) If I become mentally unstable it will enhance my employability and earn me the title "Mad".
7) I will never be stopped from taking my pet to work. As long as it is a parrot. Or a monkey.
8) I will never have to move silently and stealthily, I will be allowed to swagger and shout "YARRR!".
9) I will be able to find other Pirates like myself mentioned in songs. There are no songs about Ninjas.
10) The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time.
11) Any ship I sail will be called a "Galleon" and not a "Junk".
12) At the end of each quest I will be rewarded with a huge chest of gold and not a magic feather, family honour, or some shit like that.
13) In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my Ninja counterparts are. If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat Ninjas do.
14) I will always have a huge cutlass. I will never be asked to fight using little metal stars.
15) I will either be a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse, or I will have access to a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse.
16) I will never have to drink water, or rice wine. I will always get to drink rum, or grog.
17) My career prospects will not be affected by my ethnicity.
18) If I manage to somersault backwards onto a tree, the chances are people will be more impressed than they would if a Ninja did it.
19) If I need to urinate, I don't have to struggle out of a cat-suit.
20) As a child, the chances are I got more teacher attention than Ninjas who raised their hands just as often.
21) I get to wear great big boots.
22) I am far less likely than a Ninja to be employed by a mad genius whose Headquarters gets blown up killing everyone inside.
23) I will never be mistaken for a fundamentalist Muslim woman.
24) When I shout, I can be reasonably sure that the other people in the bar will shout with me.
25) I have the privilege of being unaware of my Pirate privilege.